 There’s no point, I just think it’s a good idea for a tee-shirt. 

 No. We are committing genetic fraud. There’s no guarantee that our sperm is going to generate high IQ offspring, think about that. I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers.

 I know, and I do yearn for faster downloads, but there’s some poor woman is going to pin her hopes on my sperm, what if she winds up with a toddler who doesn’t know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve.

 If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimetres, most people will trip.

 No, it’s true, I did a series of experiments when I was twelve, my father broke his clavicle.

 Two hundred pound transvestite with a skin condition, yes she is.

 Leonard, I’m not expert here but I believe in the context of a luncheon invitation, you might want to skip the reference to bowel movements.

 Yeah, well, it’s just some quantum mechanics, with a little string theory doodling around the edges. That part there, that’s just a joke, it’s a spoof of the Bourne-Oppenheimer approximation.

 If by holy smokes you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any men’s room at MIT, sure.

 Oh, come on. Who hasn’t seen this differential below “here I sit broken hearted?”

 In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer it’s directly in the path of a cross breeze created by open windows there, and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide to create a parallax distortion, I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point. 

 That’s not true. Koothrapali and Wolowitz come over all the time. 

 Tuesday night we played Klingon boggle until one in the morning.

 Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the Sun’s apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations and the time of your birth somehow effects your personality.

 It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her clothes off in our apartment.

 Point taken. It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her clothes off after which we didn’t want to rip our eyes out. 

 Do you think this possibility will be helped or hindered when she discovers your Luke Skywalker no-more-tears shampoo?

 Event A. A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower. Event B. We drive half way across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned woman’s ex-boyfriend. Query, on what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between these events?

 Ah, yes, well that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher level distal cause.

 Oh, right, yes, I could have stayed behind and watched Wolowitz try to hit on Penny in Russian, Arabic and Farsi. Why can’t she get her own TV.

 You did not break up with Joyce Kim, she defected to North Korea.

 Leonard, the TV is in the building, we’ve been denied access to the building, ergo we are done.

 It’s okay. It wasn’t my first pantsing, and it won’t be my last.

 They would be gastronomically redundant. I can see we’re going to have to spell out everything for this girl.

 I don’t know what your odds are in the world as a whole, but as far as the population of this car goes, you’re a veritable Mack Daddy.

 Thailand has had the fork since the latter half of the nineteenth century. Interestingly they don’t actually put the fork in their mouth, they use it to put the food on a spoon which then goes into their mouth.

 Don’t take it personally, it’s his pathology, he can’t talk to women.

 Oh no, let’s assume that they can. Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second. Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel. Miss Lane, who is now travelling at approximately 120 miles per hour, hits them, and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces. 

 In what space, sir, in what space? She’s two feet above the ground. Frankly, if he really loved her, he’d let her hit the pavement. It would be a more merciful death.

 Are you listening to yourself, it is well established that Superman’s flight is a feat of strength, it is an extension of his ability to leap tall buildings, an ability he derives from Earth’s yellow Sun.

 Uh, a combination of the moon’s solar reflection and the energy storage capacity of Kryptonian skin cells.

 Well, we don’t have a dolly, or lifting belts, or any measurable upper body strength.

 You do understand that our efforts here will in no way increase the odds of you having sexual congress with this woman?

 No, it hurt… (looking around) Great Caesar’s Ghost, look at this place?

 A little messy? The Mandelbrot set of complex numbers is a little messy, this is chaos. Excuse me, explain to me an organisational system where a tray of flatware on a couch is valid. I’m just inferring that this is a couch, because the evidence suggests the coffee table’s having a tiny garage sale. 

 This is not anyone’s home, this is a swirling vortex of entropy.

 Because it was immaculate, I mean, you open that man’s closet, it was left to right, evening gowns, cocktail dresses, then his police uniforms.

 Penny, I just want you to know that, you don’t have to live like this. I’m here for you.

 I had no choice. I couldn’t sleep knowing that just outside my bedroom was our living room, and just outside our living room was that hallway, and immediately adjacent to that hallway was… this.

 Evolution has made women sensitive to high pitched noises while they sleep, so that they’ll be roused by a crying baby. If you want to avoid waking her, speak in a lower register.

 I have to say, I slept splendidly. Granted, not long, but just deeply and well.

 Granted, my methods may have been somewhat unorthodox, but I think the end result will be a measurable enhancement of Penny’s quality of life.

 Do you want some cereal. I’m feeling so good today I’m going to choose from the low fibre end of the shelf. Hello, Honey Puffs.

 I may have left a suggested organisational schematic for her bedroom closet.

 And snoring. And that’s probably just a sinus infection, but it could be sleep apnoea, you might want to see an otolaryngologist. It’s a throat doctor.

 Depending on the depth, that’s either a proctologist or a general surgeon. (Leonard holds up a sign reading “Sarcasm”) Oh!

 Penny, Penny, just to clarify because there will be a discussion when you leave, is your objection solely to our presence in the apartment while you were sleeping, or do you also object to the imposition of a new organisational paradigm. (Penny stares in disbelief, then leaves.) Well that was a little non-responsive.

 Wooh, boy, you are all over the place this morning. (Knocks on Penny’s door.) I have a masters and two PhD’s, I should not have to do this.

 I am truly sorry for what happened last night, I take full responsibility. And I hope that it won’t colour your opinion of Leonard, who is not only a wonderful guy, but also, I hear, a gentle and thorough lover. (Penny closes door in his face.) I did what I could.

 Run an infra-red repeater, photocell here, emitter here, easy peasy. 

 And if water is involved we’re going to have to ground the crap out of the thing. 

 I’m a rogue knight elf, don’t you people read character descriptions? Wait, wait, wait, somebody just clicked “buy it now.”

 Don’t forget the mail you took accidentally on purpose so you’d have an excuse to talk to her.

 Please don’t tell me that your hopeless infatuation is devolving into pointless jealousy.

 Well, at least now you can retrieve the black box from the twisted smouldering wreckage that was once your fantasy of dating her, and analyse the data so that you don’t crash into geek mountain again.

 Well, I don’t think you have a shot there. I have noticed that Lesley Winkle recently started shaving her legs. Now, given that winter is coming one can only assume that she is signalling sexual availability. 

 That depends. When I learn that I’m a robot, will I be able to handle it?

 Uh, let me ask you this. When I learn that I’m a robot, would I be bound by Asimov’s three laws of robotics?

 Oh, I’ve seen that look before. This is just going to be two weeks of moping and tedious emo songs, and calling me to come down to pet stores to look at cats. I don’t know if I can take it. 

 If you’re compiling a mix CD for a double suicide. (Leonard is taking supplies out of a bag) Oh, I hope that scratching post is for you.

 Leonard, do you really think you can satisfy your need for a relationship with a genetically altered cat?

 Okay, look, I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble Telescope does of discovering at the centre of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker. Nevertheless, I do feel obligated to point out to you that she did no reject you. You did not ask her out. 

 No. No, now that was not my point. My point was, don’t buy a cat. 

 No. The dark crescent-shaped patterns under your arms conceal it nicely. What time is your date?

 Perfect, that gives you two hours and fifteen minutes for that dense molecular cloud of Aramis to dissipate. 

 Oh, no, no, no, well now, there’s always the possibility that alcohol and poor judgement on her part might lead to a nice romantic evening.

 Of course, there’s the other possibility that this date kicks off a rather unpleasant six months of the two of you passing awkwardly in the hall until one of you breaks down and moves to another zip code.

 Alright, alright, well, just, sit down, yes, sit down, now close your eyes.

 It’s a bio-feedback technique, it’s relaxation through brain-wave manipulation, I read a paper about it in the Journal of American Neuroscience, it was a little sparsely sourced but I think the basic science is valid, I probably have it here somewhere.

 Got it. So I’m assuming nothing venereal. I’ll just tell her that you had a routine colonoscopy and haven’t quite bounced back.

 Put it on the back burner. Anyway, it occurs to me, if I ever did perfect a time machine, I’d just go into the past and give it to myself, thus eliminating the need for me to invent it in the first place.

 No, congratulations will have been in order. You know, I’m not going to enjoy this party.

 At the last department party, Dr Finkleday cornered me and talked about spelunking for 45 minutes.

 How’s this? Pleased to meet you, Dr Gablehouser. How fortunate for you that the University has chosen to hire you, despite the fact that you’ve done no original research in 25 years, and instead have written a series of popular books that reduce the great concepts of science to a series of anecdotes, each one dumbed down to accommodate the duration of an average bowel movement. Mahalo.

 Do you know there are only eight consonants in the Hawaiian language.

 A more plausible explanation is that his work in robotics has made an amazing leap forward.

 In my defence, I prefaced that by saying “with all due respect.”

 I finally have the time to test my hypothesis, about the separation of the water molecules from the egg proteins, and its impact vis-a-vis taste.

 I don’t want my job back. I’ve spent the last three and a half years staring at greaseboards full of equations. Before that I spent four years working on my thesis. Before that I was in college, and before that, I was in the fifth grade. This is my first day off in decades, and I’m going to savour it.

 Oh, well this would be one of those circumstances that people unfamiliar with the law of large numbers would call a coincidence.

 Yes, and evenly distributed amongst brown, white, free range, large, extra-large and jumbo.

 I’m taking a sabbatical, because I won’t kow-tow to mediocre minds. 

 No it doesn’t. Not unless the two doors are connected by relays, or there are motion sensors involved. 

 Or the first door closing causes a change of air pressure that acts upon the second door.

 No, no. Let me do the math for you, this car weighs let’s say 4,000lb, now add say 140 for me, 120 for you.

 Oh, I’m sorry, did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self worth?

 Interesting. Anyway, that gives us a total weight of, let’s say, 4,400lb.

 Fine. We’re travelling forward at, good Lord, 51 miles an hour. Now let’s assume that your brakes are new and the callipers are aligned, still, by the time we come to a stop, we’ll be occupying the same space as that Buick in front of us, an impossibility that nature will quickly resolve into death, mutilation and… oh look, they built a new put-put course.

 No, thank you. And thank you, ordinary person. Hey, you want to hear an interesting thing about tomatoes.

 Uh, yes, but anyone who knows anything about the dynamics of bacterial growth knows to pick up their refrigerated foods on the way out of the supermarket.

 No, this is fun. Oh, the thing about tomatoes, and I think you’ll really enjoy this, is, they’re shelved with the vegetables, but they’re technically a fruit. 

 Well, there’s some value to taking a multivitamin, but the human body can only absorb so much, what you’re buying here are the ingredients for very expensive urine. 

 Are you sure. There are a lot of advantages to buying in bulk. For example, I noticed that you purchase your tampons one month’s supply at a time.

 Well think about it, it’s a product that doesn’t spoil, and you’re going to be needing them for at least the next thirty years.

 Well, thirty, thirty five, hey, when did your mother go into menopause?

 Oh, Penny, this is a natural human process, and we’re talking about statistically significant savings. Now, if you assume 15 tampons per cycle and a 28 day cycle, are you fairly regular? (Penny shuts door in his face.) Okay, no warehouse store, but we’re still on for put-put golf, right?

 I think it’s her time of the month. I marked the calendar for future reference. 

 Oh, that was a dead end. Scrambled eggs are as good as they’re ever going to be.

 I read an article about Japanese scientists, who inserted DNA from luminous jellyfish into other animals, and I thought hey, fish nightlights.

 That’s just the beginning. I also have an idea for a bulk mail-order feminine hygiene company. Oh, glow in the dark tampons! Leonard, we’re going to be rich. 

 I was working with luminous fish, and I thought, hey, loom! Mom, what are you doing here?

 This is not a sarape. This is a poncho. A sarape is open at the sides, a poncho is closed, this is a poncho, and neither is a reason to call someone’s mother. 

 Well then buckle up, in the next four to eight days she’s going to get very crabby.

 Yes, well I’m not a child, I’m a grown man capable of living my life as I see fit. And I certainly don’t need someone telling on me to my mother. 

 It’s my idea of what DNA would look like in a silicon based life form. 

 I’m not going to apologise, I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. 

 Wouldn’t have been any ass-kickings if that stupid death ray had worked.

 Um, as you know, several weeks ago in our first encounter we may have gotten off on the wrong foot, when I called you an idiot. And I just wanted to say that I was wrong. To point it out. 

 I’m not quite sure. It involves a part of the human experience that has always eluded me. 

 I like the hamburgers where we usually have hamburgers, you can’t make the assumption that I’ll like the hamburgers here. 

 Can’t we just go to Big Boy? They only have one burger. The Big Boy. 

 Excuse me, in a world that already includes the Big Boy, why would I settle for something like a Big Boy?

 Well I assume she meant that the two of you together would constitute a couple that others might consider cute. An alternate, and somewhat less likely interpretation, is that you could manufacture one. As in, oh look, Leonard and Lesley made Mr and Mrs Goldfarb, aren’t they adorable. 

 You’re talking to one of the three men in the Western hemisphere capable of following that train of thought. 

 Semiotics. The study of signs and symbols, it’s a branch of philosophy related to linguistics.

 Oh, yes, but there’s usually planning, courtship and advance notice. Last time I was able to book a cruise to the Arctic to see a solar eclipse. 

 Well, there’s Leonard. (Picking up violin case) And he’s either with Lesley Winkle or a 1930’s gangster. 

 I don’t know what the protocol is here. Do I stay, do I leave? Do I wait to greet them with a refreshing beverage? 

 Hi, Leonard. It’s me, Sheldon. In the living room. I just, I wanted you to know I saw the tie. Message received. You’re welcome. You carry on. Give my best to Lesley. 

 Of course I’m sure. Look at the beta-function of quantum chrono-dynamics, the sign’s been changed. 

 Are you insane? Are you out of your mind? Are you…. hey look, that fixes the problem I’ve been having. 

 Boy, you’re wound awfully tight for a man who just had sexual intercourse. 

 Do you realise I may have to share a Nobel Prize with your booty call?

 I won’t go out on a limb, but I think we may be looking at my new Tuesday hamburger. 

 Way ahead of you. I was thinking of moving Big Boy to Thursdays, and just dropping Soup Plantation. 

 Yeah, the name always confused me anyway, Soup Plantation. You can’t grow soup. 

 Terrific, you’ll be happy to know that I plan to come here every Tuesday night for the foreseeable future.

 You know why this hamburger surpasses the Big Boy? This is a single decker hamburger whereas the Big Boy is a double decker. This has a much more satisfying meat to bun to condiment ratio. 

 Of course I’m listening. Blah blah, hopeless Penny delusion, blah blah blah.

 You know, we were annihilated by our own incompetence and the inability of some people to follow the chain of command. 

 No, I want to talk about the fact that Wolowitz shot me in the back. 

 Sure, if you consider being fragged by your own troops fun. (To Howard) You clear space on your calendar, there will be an enquiry.

 I don’t care if anybody gets it, I’m going as the Doppler Effect. 

 Well, there’s nothing embarrassing about that, your father worked with Lewis Leakey, a great anthropologist. It had nothing to do with your bed-wetting. 

 Yeah, so the judges can give out the prizes for best costume, you know, most frightening, most authentic, most accurate visual representation of a scientific principle.

 Yes. It’s the apparent change in the frequency of a wave caused by relative motion between the source of the wave and the observer. 

 I’m confused. If there’s no costume parade, what are we doing here? 

 And that’s the kind of sloppy costuming which results from a lack of rules and competition.

 Like Jane Goodall observing the apes, I initially saw their interactions as confusing and unstructured, but patterns emerge, they have their own language if you will. 

 Well, it seems that the newcomer approaches the existing group with the greeting “How wasted am I?” which is met with an approving chorus of “Dude.”

 Alright, but if we’re going to use flight metaphors I’m much more suited to being the guy from the FAA, analysing wreckage. 

 Well, why don’t you just tell people you’re one of the seven dwarves. 

 What do you suppose he’s doing here? Besides disrupting the local gravity field. 

 Or maybe she wants to be friends, and he wants something more. 

 And male partners. Animal partners. Large primordial eggplants, pretty much whatever tickled his fancy. 

 Face to face? Are you going to wait for him to sit down, or are you going to stand on a coffee table?

 Given the reaction to my costume, this party is a scathing indictment of the American education system. 

 Because he is neither tall nor immortal, and none of us could be The Flash. 

 Let me remind you, while my moral support is absolute, in a physical confrontation I will be less than useless. 

 Happy Halloween. (They leave) If it’s any consolation, I thought that homo-habilus line really put him in his place. 

 Tea. When people are upset the cultural convention is to bring them hot beverages. There there. You want to talk about it?

 If we’re all through playing mock the flawed technology, can we get on with Halo night, we were supposed to start at eight, it is now 8:06.

 Yes, first we have to decide if those lost six minutes will be coming out of game time, bathroom time or the pizza break.

 You know, I apologise for my earlier outburst, who needs Halo when we can be regaled with the delightfully folksy tale of the whore of Omaha?

 And I cannot believe people pay for horoscopes, but on a more serious note it’s 8:13 and we’re still not playing Halo. 

 One on one? We don’t play one on one, we play teams, not one on one. One on one!

 Uh, no. The wheel was a great idea. Relativity was a great idea. This is a notion, and a rather sucky one at that. 

 This is a complex battle simulation with a steep learning curve, there are myriad weapons, vehicles and strategies to master, not to mention an extremely intricate back-story.

 Yes, but whoever’s her partner will be hamstrung by her lack of experience and not to mention that fact that sh…. (another explosion)

 Okay, this isn’t at all good sportsmanship to shoot somebody who’s just respawned, you need to give them a chance to (explosion) now come on!

 Okay, that’s it, I don’t know how, but she is cheating. No-one can be that attractive and be this skilled at a video game. 

 And another thing, there’s a certain ethic to the game, Penny, a well estab…

 It’s called carpal tunnel syndrome, and quite frankly you deserve it. 

 Well first, we don’t have house guests, frankly if I could afford the rent I’d ask you to leave. 

 So, if there is an earthquake and the three of us are trapped here, we could be out of food by tomorrow afternoon. 

 He’s engaging in reductio-ad-absurdum. It’s the logical fallacy of extending someone’s argument to ridiculous proportions and then criticising the result, and I do not appreciate it. 

 Okay, well since I’m obviously being ignored here, let’s go over the morning schedule, I use the bathroom from 7 to 7:20, plan your ablutions and bodily functions accordingly. 

 It’s culturally universal, a bed, even a temporary bed, is always oriented with the headboard away from the door. It serves the ancient imperative of protecting oneself against marauders.

 Yes. If you use my toothbrush I’ll jump out that window. Please don’t come to my funeral. Have a good night. 

 Every Saturday since we have lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter cup of 2% milk, sat on this end of this couch, turned on BBC America and watched Doctor Who. 

 Every Saturday since we have lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal….

 Because I am neither an invalid nor a woman celebrating Mother’s Day. 

 Okay, this cereal has lost all its molecular integrity, I now have a bowl of shredded wheat paste.

 Well there’s one beloved children’s book I’ll never read again.

 Well then, it’s all settled, Christie will stay with Howard, Penny can go back to her apartment, and I’ll watch the last 24 minutes of Doctor Who, although at this point it’s more like Doctor Why Bother. 

 Let me walk you through it, our standard is, the steamed dumpling appetizer, General So’s chicken, beef with broccoli, shrimp with lobster sauce and vegetable lo-main. Do you see the problem?

 Our entire order is predicated on four dumplings and four entrees divided among four people. 

 Fine, what do you want to eliminate, and who gets the extra dumpling. 

 Then it is no longer a dumpling, once you cut it open it is at best a very small open faced sandwich. 

 He’s putting his needs ahead of the collective good. (Pointing at waiter) Where he comes from, that’s punishable by death.

 No, if we fill up on dumplings we’ll need to eliminate another entree. 

 And divide it how, I’m telling you we cannot do this without Wolowitz. 

 Have you seen Penny eat Chinese food, she uses a fork, and she double dips her egg rolls. 

 Yes. Penny, we would very much appreciate it if you would be the fourth member of our Halo team. I don’t think I need to tell you what an honour this is. 

 Okay, assuming we could dance, which we can’t, there are three of us and two of them.

 It’s the Chinese restaurant all over again. I assure you that cutting a dumpling in thirds is child’s play compared with three men, each attempting to dance with 67% of a woman.

 The only man who can restore any semblance of balance to our universe.

 No, I’m going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo 3. As far as I know, sex has not been upgraded to include high-def graphics and enhanced weapon systems. 

 The online description was completely misleading, they said eight slots plus removable ID, to any rational person that would mean room for nine cards, but they don’t tell you the removable ID takes up one slot, it’s a nightmare. 

 It says keep this on your person at all times. (Knock on door) It’s right here under Batman’s signature.

 If I may, your parents probably don’t consider this meddling, while arranged marriages are no longer the norm, Indian parents continue to have a greater than average involvement in their children’s lives.

 It might speak to a cultural aspiration to have one’s children enter the medical profession. 

 Romantic love as the basis for marriage has only existed since the nineteenth century. Up until then, arranged marriages were the norm, and it served society quite well.

 Understandable, but there’s a universality to that story which transcends ethnicity.

 Okay, there’s a lab animal supply company in Reseda you could try, but if your research is going to have human applications may I suggest white mice instead, their brain chemistry is far closer to ours. 

 A cuba libre traditionally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge.

 Nothing, I just really didn’t want to come. Virgin diet cuba libre please.

 When I was a little boy and got sick, which was most of the time, my mother would read it to me. It’s about an Indian princess who befriends a monkey, who was mocked by all the other monkeys because he was different. For some reason I related to it quite strongly. 

 That woman looks exactly like the pictures of Princess Punchali in the book. How often does one see a beloved fictional character come to life?

 Forgive me your highness, for I am but a monkey, and it is in my nature to climb. I did not mean to gaze upon you as you comb your hair.

 You are the living embodiment of the beautiful Princess Punchali. 

 The resemblance is remarkable. I can practically smell the lotus blossoms woven into your ebony hair. 

 It was said that the Gods fashioned her eyes out of the stars, and that roses were ashamed to bloom in the presence of her ruby lips. 

 Exactly the kind of spirit with which Princess Punchali led the monkeys to freedom. 

 And may I point out she wouldn’t have asked me to go with her if you hadn’t been drunk and boring. 

 We ate. She lectured me on the link between gum disease and heart attacks, nothing I didn’t already know, and I came home. 

 No, we turned our stereo down by sending a signal around the world via the internet. 

 Someone in Sezchuan province, China is using his computer to turn our lights on and off. 

 Well, there’s always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter, but Occam’s Razor would suggest that someone threw it out. 

 Because I have no interest in standing in the Rose Room of the Pasadena Marriott in front of a group of judgemental strangers, who wouldn’t recognise true genius if it were standing in front of them giving a speech. Which, if I were there, it would be. 

 Leonard, please don’t take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel Prize, is the day I begin my research on the drag co-efficient of tassles on flying carpets. 

 No we don’t. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep ourselves from dying, everything else is optional. 

 I let you think we went alphabetically to spare you the humiliation of dealing with the fact that it was my idea. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I was throwing you a bone. You’re welcome. 

 No, once again, I’m throwing you a bone. And once again, you are welcome. 

 Uh, just the latest copy of Applied Particle Physics Quarterly.

 Penny, just to save you from further awkwardness know that I’m perfectly comfortable with the two of us climbing the stairs in silence. 

 A little misunder…. Galileo and the Pope had a little misunderstanding.

 Oh. I hadn’t thought about it like that. I wonder if I’ve been experiencing physiological manifestations of some sort of unconscious emotional turmoil. 

 And I’m telling you for the last time it’s pandering, it’s undignified and bite me. 

 Goodbye Penny. (Places fingers to head to try to make Leonard’s brain explode. Leonard leaves.) Oooh, one of these days, Pkshhhh!

 Oh, I see, was the apple falling on Newton’s head, was that just an anecdote?

 No, no that’s true, gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple. 

 As I have explained repeatedly, unlike you, I don’t need validation from lesser minds. No offence. 

 Oh, please. I admit, that spherical chicken joke, that was hilarious. But it was straight downhill from there. 

 Oh we’ll see about that (tries again), heads up you people in the front row, this is a splash zone.

 I really don’t understand what you’re so unhappy about, you begged me to come, I came, there’s just no pleasing you. 

 Yes. I’m sorry I tried to blow up your head. It was uncalled for. 

 Forget your suit, look at my arms waving, I’m like a flamingo on Ritalin. 

 Okay, then riddle me this. Assuming all the good Terminators were originally evil Terminators created by Skynet but then reprogrammed by the future John Connor, why would Skynet, an artificial computer intelligence, bother to create a petite hot 17 year-old killer robot?

 I don’t know, but if cats could sing, they’d hate it too. (The continue up the stairs and disappear from view).

 I don’t guess. As a scientist I reach conclusions based on observation and experimentation, although as I’m saying this it occurs to me you may have been employing a rhetorical device rendering my response moot. 

 And you did it so casually, no rapid breathing, no increase in perspiration.

 So, lack of a physiological response while lying is characteristic of a violent sociopath. 

 No, I imagine if you were going to kill me you’d have done it a long time ago. 

 Never mind. I clearly woke you up in the middle of a REM cycle, you’re in no state to talk.

 I would suggest something to the effect of, singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you, and if you disagree, I’d recommend you have a CAT scan, to look for a tumour pressing on the cognitive processing centre of your brain.

 When we played chess earlier, you were terrific and I can’t wait to play you again. Goodnight. 

 I was analysing our lie, and I believe we’re in danger of Penny seeing through the ruse.

 Simple. If she were to log on to www.socalphysicsgroup.org/activities/other, click on upcoming events, scroll down to seminars, download the pdf schedule, and look for the seminar on molecular positronium, well then, bippidy-boppidy-boo, our pants are metaphorically on fire. 

 Of course I do. My watch is linked to the atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado. It’s accurate to one tenth of a second. But as I’m saying this it occurs to me that once again your question may have been rhetorical.

 Remember how Leonard told you we couldn’t come to your performance because we were attending a symposium on molecular positronium?

 She was going to see through your lie eventually, so I told her that you were lying to protect me. 

 Hunger? Indigestion, I’m sorry I’m really not very good at this. Anyway, Penny now believes that on Friday night, we’re going to participate in my cousin Leopold’s drug intervention. 

 Yea, who most people call Leo, but he also answers to Lee, remember that, it’s important. 

 Details, Leonard, the success or failure of our deceitful enterprise turns on details. 

 Well, first of all, your lie was laughably transparent, where mine is exquisitely convoluted. While you were sleeping I was weaving an un-unravelable web. 

 Yes, if she googles Leopold Houston she’ll find a facebook page, an online blog depicting his descent into drug use, and a desperate yet hopeful listing on e-harmony.com.

 No, of course not, there’s no cousin Leo, there’s no intervention, focus Leonard.

 We just leave the house on Friday night, and we return in the wee hours emotionally wrung out from the work of convincing Leo to go back into rehab.

 Yes, but, he can relapse if Penny ever invites us to go hear her sing again.

 For a noble purpose, to spare me the social embarrassment of having a drug-addled first cousin, which I’m assuming is embarrassing, yes?

 That’s the best part, you don’t have to, see I told Penny that you would be embarrassed, if you knew that she found out that you had lied, so she’s agreed to operate as if the original lie was still in force. 

 Well, uh, Penny is on her way to perform in a one night showcase production of Rent, which we are unable to attend because we are going to a symposium on molecular positronium, given by Dr Emile Farminfarmian.

 It’s a very nice community. The Queen Mary is docked there, once the largest ocean liner in the world, it’s now a hotel and restaurant where they host a surprisingly gripping murder mystery dinner. 

 No, no, no, Leonard gets nauseous unless he sits in front, and even then it’s iffy.

 No, that’s the least of our worries. I’ve been doing some research on addiction, both the biochemical and behavioural aspects, and I think there’s a problem with the current version of our lie. 

 Sadly, it’s not. Substance abuse is a lifelong struggle, but beyond that I have realised that the Leo I described would not have agreed to go to rehab.

 You didn’t read the bio, did you? He’s not just a middle child, he’s the quintessential middle child, from a broken home to boot. Psychologically speaking, the attention he gets by rebelling even to the point of self-destruction is more emotionally valuable than the help he would get at rehab.

 Fine. (He leaves. A moment later he comes back.) I’ve hesitated to point this out, but I must now remind you that we are in our current predicament because of your initial and totally inadequate deceit. I’m just trying to clean up after your mess. (Leonard throws a glass ornament at him. He just manages to shut the door in time.) We’ll talk in the morning.

 Excuse me, we just went over this. As the quintessential middle child, your addiction is rooted in your unmet need for attention.

 For your information, this is all based on solid research, stick with the character profile I wrote for you. 

 I’m sorry, Leonard, this is Toby Loobenfeld, he’s a research assistant in the particle physics lab, but he also minored in theatre at MIT.

 Well, you see, while Leo would not have gone into rehab, it is completely plausible that we would have talked him into leaving the motel, and coming home with us.

 No. We’re going with middle child, and a generic predisposition to inadequate serotonin production.

 Subtextually, of course. (There is a knock on the door.) Just have fun with it. (Opening door.) Morning Penny.

 Unfortunately, we weren’t able to convince him to go to rehab. 

 But we did convince him to leave the motel. Come say hello. Leo, this is Penny, our friend and neighbour.

 How could there be a double blind study, who would be the control group. 

 He’s a homeless drug addict, Leonard, where is he going to go? Boy, you have a lot to learn about lying.

 Obviously you’re not well suited for three-dimensional chess, perhaps three dimensional candyland would be more your speed. 

 From the data at hand you really can’t draw that conclusion. All you can say with absolute certainty is that that joke is not funny here. 

 I don’t need you to guess, I need you to know, now when did the symptoms first appear?

 Oh please, if influenza was only contagious after symptoms appear it would have died out thousands of years ago. Somewhere between tool using and cave painting, homo habilus would have figured out to kill the guy with the runny nose. 

 I need a growth medium, and someone polished off the apricot yoghurt. Here, swab my throat.

 Leonard! If I’m going to get ahead of this thing I need to find out what’s growing in my throat. 

 We have no idea what pathogen Typhoid Penny has introduced into our environment. And having never been to Nebraska I’m fairly certain that I have no cornhusking antibodies. 

 When I’m lying comatose in a hospital relying on inferior minds to cure me, these jello cultures and my accompanying notes will give them a fighting chance. 

 I need to measure my fluid intake and output to make sure my kidneys aren’t shutting down.

 Well, as I predicted, I am sick. My fever has been tracking up exponentially since 2am, and I am producing sputum at an alarming rate. 

 You’re a carrier. All these people here are doomed. You’re doomed! 

 Penny, I have an IQ of 187, don’t you imagine that if there were a way for me to have had soup at home I would have thought of it?

 I did not think of that. Clearly febrile delirium is setting in, please bring me some soup while I still understand what a spoon is for. 

 Well, my mother used to make me this split pea with little frankfurter slices and these home made croutons.

 Can I get any of those with little frankfurter slices and home made croutons?

 Then surprise me. (Blows nose into handkerchief. Shows it to next table) Would you call that moss green or forest green? 

 Well, once. When I was fifteen, and spending the summer at the Heidelberg Institute in Germany.

 No, visiting professor. Anyway, the local cuisine was a little more sausage-based than I’m used to, and the result was an internal blitzkrieg with my lower intestine playing the part of Czechoslovakia. 

 No. No, my mum had to fly back to Texas to help my dad because the house had slipped off the cinderblocks again. 

 It was tornado season. And it was an aluminium house. Anyway, the housekeeper in the faculty residence didn’t speak any English, when I finally managed to convince her I was sick, she said “Möchtest Du eine Darmspülung?”

 Based on what happened next, I assume it means “would you like an enema?”

 I’ll teach you. “Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr purr purr.” Now you. 

 Can you go to the kitchen, and get me the turkey baster labelled mucus.

 Assuming the device could be invented which would identify the quantum state of matter of an individual in one location, and transmit that pattern to a distant location for reassembly, you would not have actually transported the individual. You would have destroyed him in one location, and recreated him in another.

 Personally, I would never use a transporter. Because the original Sheldon would have to be disintegrated in order to create a new Sheldon.

 Excuse me, that is my research, and it is by no means a dead end.

 You can count on us, we’re on it. What the hell do you mean, dead end. 

 Oh, alright, this is my desk, these are my books, this is my door, please close it behind you. Goodbye. 

 You think I haven’t considered it? You really think I haven’t considered it? 

 Fifteen years old. Dennis Kim is fifteen years old, and he’s already correcting my work. Today I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to… you know, that other guy.

 Why waste food. In Texas when a cow goes dry they don’t keep feeding it, they just take her out and shoot her between the eyes. 

 Yes, but I assumed I would have been dead hundreds of years, and that there would be an asterisk by his name because he would be a cyborg. 

 Yes. That’s what a rational person does when his entire life’s work is invalidated by a post-pubescent Asian wunderkind. He ceases his fruitless efforts, he donates his body to scientific research, and he waits to die. 

 But, since the arrival of Dennis Kim has rendered my research pointless, I just have to find something else to focus on.

 What exactly is it you do? I know you chatter on about it all the time, but I’ve never really paid attention.

 Oh, sure you do. Now, see, what’s this here in the schematic, is that a laser array?

 No. Hmmm. What happens if you use argon lasers instead of helium neon?

 Pretty sure’s not very scientific, is this how you normally work, just hunches and guesses and stuff?

 If you’re concerned about sharing credit with me, you’re name can go first… I’m going. 

 Engineering. Where the noble semi-skilled labourers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello, oompah-loompahs of science.

 Well, up until now I’ve had better things to do. So, what are we making today? 

 Now, I notice you’re using titanium, did you give any consideration to carbon nanotubes, they’re lighter, cheaper and half twice the tensile strength.

 And you also have a note from your mother that says I love you, bubbula. But neither of those is a cogent argument for titanium over nanotubes. 

 Huh. It can’t be a coincidence. There must be some causal link I’m missing.

 No, no, please, come in. Yeah, I think you’ll appreciate this, very exciting.

 Something remarkable. Since my prospects for the Nobel Prize in physics have disappeared, thank you very much, I’ve decided to refocus my efforts and use my people skills to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Look, I’m going to solve the Middle-East Crisis by building an exact replica of Jerusalem in the middle of the Mexican desert. 

 You know, it’s like the baseball movie, build it and they will come. 

 Of course he has, the oracle told us little Neo was the one. You can see the Matrix, can’t you.

 Hey, Howard. You’re a Jew. If there was another wailing wall, exactly like the one in Jerusalem, but close to taco stands and cheap prescription drugs, would you still be able to wail at it? Okay, it’s definitely me. 

 Oh, please. For Vulcans, mating, or, if you will, Pon Farr, it’s an extremely private matter.

 You want me to use my intelligence in a tawdry competition? Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary? Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish? 

 By that reasoning we should also play bridge, hold up a chuppah and enter the Olympic bobsled competition.

 I don’t. Teams are traditionally named after fierce creatures, thus intimidating ones opponent.

 Poor choice. Gram for gram, no animal exceeds the relative fighting strength of the army ant. 

 Point of order. I move that any vote on team names should be unanimous. No man should be forced to emblazon his chest with the bengal tiger, when common sense dictates it should be an army ant. 

 By that logic I should answer all the anthropology questions because I’m a mammal.  

 What do manners have to do with it? This is war. Were the Romans polite when they salted the ground of Carthage to make sure nothing would ever grow again?

 The objective of the competition is to give correct answers, if I know them, why shouldn’t I give them? 

 Good idea, I need my wrist brace, all this button pushing is aggravating my old Nintendo injury. 

 Just look. I’ve designed the perfect uniforms for our team. The colours are based on Star Trek, the original series. The three of you will wear support red, and I will wear command gold. 

 Okay, I don’t know where you just came from, but it couldn’t have been a team meeting because I’m on the team and I wasn’t there, ergo the team did not meet. 

 Well, I’m sorry, is the winner of the physics bowl the team that has the most fun?

 I see. Well. At this point I should inform you that I intend to form my own team and destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together, and reduce the resulting particulate chaos to tears.

 Actually, I don’t need a team, I could easily defeat you single-handedly. But the rules require four, so may I introduce, the third floor janitor, he lady from the lunchroom, and, my Spanish is not good, either her son or her butcher. And what about your team? What rat have you recruited to the SS Sinking Ship?

 Yes, well, I’m polymerised tree sap and you’re non-organic adhesive so, whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns on its original trajectory, and adheres to you. 

 Hang on, hang on a second, that’s not our answer. What are you doing?

 Well that’s a delightful little story, but our arrangement was that you sit here and not say anything, I answer the questions.

 Hey look, now maybe you have democracy now in your beloved Russia, but on this physics bowl team I rule with an iron fist. (Makes fist in the air). Ow!

 That trophy is meaningless, I forfeited, therefore you did not win. 

 Turkey and roast beef with swiss and lettuce on wholewheat. It’s the right ingredients but in the wrong order. In a proper sandwich the cheese is adjacent to the bread to create a moisture barrier against the lettuce. They might as well have dragged this thing through a car wash. 

 I wonder why no-one else bid, this is a classic piece of sci-fi movie memorabilia. 

 Need you ask? But I still don’t understand why no-one else bid. 

 In a venn diagram, that would be an individual located within the intersection of the sets “no longer want my time machine” and “need $800”.

 I’ve been meaning to ask you, do you think we should make a call about that? 

 It’s the same amount of work no matter how fast you go, basic physics.

 Then I have a simple solution, go up to the roof, hop over to the next building, there’s a small gap, don’t look down if you’re subject to vertigo, and use their stairwell. 

 The exact time machine that carried actor Rod Taylor from Victorian England into the post-apocalyptic future, which society had splintered into two factions, the sub-terranean Morlocks, who survived by feasting on the flesh of the gentle surface dwelling Eloy. 

 Gentlemen, I know we said we’d take turns, but I think you’d agree that practicality dictates it remain here. 

 Alright, I think we’re going to need some ground rules, in addition to the expected no shoes in the time machine and no eating in the time machine, I propose that we add pants must be worn at all times in the time machine. 

 Hold on. Bi-monthly is an ambiguous term, do you mean move it every other month, or twice a month? 

 But if we all go back to the same point in time, Bell’s lab is going to get very crowded, he’ll know something’s up. 

 Oh, I have a solution, first go into the future and obtain a cloaking device.

 If I remember correctly, Captain Kirk will steal a cloaking device from the Romulans on Stardate 5027.3, which will be January 10th 2328 by pre-federation reckoning.

 It only moves in time. It would be worse than useless in a swamp. 

 So it’s my turn. Why did you set it for the day before yesterday?

 You can’t. If you were to prevent yourself from buying it in the past, you would not have it available in the present to travel back and stop yourself from buying it, ergo you would still have it. This is a classic rookie time travel mistake. 

 Same paradox. If you were to travel back in time and, say, knock me unconscious, you would not then have the conversation that irritated you, motivating you to go back and knock me unconscious. 

 Well, it was a number of things. First the late hour, then your demeanour seems very low energy, plus your irritability…

 I disagree. Your inability to successfully woo Penny long predates your acquisition of the time machine. That failure clearly stands on its own.

 In addition, your premise is flawed. In the original film, Rod Taylor got Yvette Mimeaux with that very time machine. In Back to the Future, Marty McFly got the opportunity to hook up with his extremely attractive young mother. 

 Well of course they’re movies. Were you expecting me to come up with an example involving a real life time machine? That’s absurd. 

 Well is that really necessary. If you need money you can always sell blood. And semen. 

 I’ll go for two hundred, that time machine stays right where it is. 

 Little Miss “grown ups don’t play with toys”. If I were to go into that apartment right now, would I find Beanie Babies? Are you not an accumulator of Care Bears and My Little Ponies? And who is that Japanese feline I see frolicking on your shorts? Hello,Hello Kitty! 

 Oh no, Morlocks? Eat him, eat him. Aaaaargh. (Sheldon wakes up in his own bed.) Leonard!!!!!!!!

 Thank you for coming by. (He rises from his desk. Everyone rushes to look nonchalant.) Hello.

 Oh, alright, this is Missy, Missy this is Leonard and Rajesh and you’ve already met Howard. 

 She’s my twin sister, she thinks she’s funny but frankly I’ve never been able to see it.

 How exactly would one measure a sense of humour? A humourmometer? 

 The papers could have been mailed, Mom just sent you here to spy on me, didn’t she.

 They call me a genius because I’m a genius. Tell Mom that I currently weigh 165 pounds, and that I’m having regular bowel movements. Enjoy the wedding, goodbye.

 I needed a place to fire ceramic semi-conductor substrates for home-made integrated circuits. 

 Is that what that was? I just assumed that the second grade curriculum had rendered you quizzical. 

 Fraternal twins come from two separate eggs, they are no more alike than any other siblings.

 Excuse me, can I interject something. I’m ordering pizza online, is everyone okay with pepperoni? 

 That’s okay. Lactose intolerance is nothing to be embarrassed about. 

 Hmmm? She certainly has the symmetry and low body fat that western culture deems desirable. It’s noteworth that at other points in history, heavier women were the standard for beauty because their girth suggested affluence. 

 Oh. Okay. You know, I don’t want to criticise your rhetorical style but, we’d be a lot further along in this conversation if you’d begun with that thought. 

 What I’m saying is that we took quite an unnecessary detour from what I now understand to be your thesis.

 I don’t understand. Yes, we shared a uterus for nine months, but since then we’ve pretty much gone our own separate ways. 

 So there is the possibility, however remote, that resting in her loins is the potential for another individual as remarkable as myself. 

 You’re right. If someone wants to get at Missy’s fallopian tubes, they’ll have to go through me. 

 Alright, that’s enough juvenile squabbling, stop it, stop it I say. I’m going to settle this right now. Neither of you are good enough for my sister. 

 It’s nothing personal, I’d just prefer if my future niece or nephew didn’t become flatulent every time they eat an Eskimo pie. 

 Now that Leonard’s made me aware of how high the genetic stakes are, we have to face the fact that none of you are suitable mates for my sister. 

 In principle you have a point, but as a practical matter, need I remind you that it takes experimental pharmaceuticals to simply enable you to speak to the opposite sex.

 This has nothing to do with religion. This has to do with the fact that you’re a tiny, tiny man who still lives with his mother. 

 Am I? Here. Eat this cheese without farting and you can sleep with my sister. 

 Why does everyone suddenly want to talk to me alone? Usually nobody wants to be alone with me.   

 Truthfully, I’ve never given it any thought, but it has been pointed out to me that you carry DNA of great potential.

 Let me explain. You see, I’m a superior genetic mutation, an improvement on the existing mediocre stock. 

 That would be you. But residing within you is the potential for another me. Perhaps even taller, smarter and less prone to freckling, a Sheldon 2.0 if you will. 

 Exactly. Now, I am not saying that I should be the sole decider of who you mate with. If you’re not attracted to the suitor then the likelihood of conception would be reduced.

 Not at all. Frequent coitus dramatically increases the odds of fertiliziation. 

 I always thought I was more like a cuckoo bird. You know, a superior creature whose egg is placed in the nest of ordinary birds. Of course the newly hatched cuckoo eats all the food, leaving the ordinary siblings to starve to death. Luckily for you, that’s where the metaphor ended. 

 You donate eggs. We will place them in cryogenic storage. I will find an appropriate sperm donor for your eggs, have them fertilized and implanted in you, that way everybody wins. 

 Well, she might be interested to know that I have refocused my research from bosonic string theory to heteronic string theory. 

 Okay, well, it was pleasant seeing you, other than that business with my testicles. (Holds out hand to shake.)

 My God! Why don’t you just tell them I’m a toll taker at the Golden Gate Bridge? Rocket scientist, how humiliating. 

 We might as well stop, it’s a stalemate. You’re beating me in tetris, but you’ve got the upper body strength of a Keebler Elf.

 For the record, that psychotic rant was a concise summation of the research of Bertram Forer, who in 1948 proved conclusively through meticulously designed experiments, that astrology is nothing but pseudo scientific hokum. 

 It’s actually based on very sound theories, his mother published a paper on it. 

 It was obviously effective, Leonard grew up to be an experimental physicist. Perhaps if she’d also denied him Christmas he’d be a little better at it. 

 What would we talk about? We’ve no overlapping areas of interest I’m aware of, and you know I don’t care for chit-chat. 

 I hardly think so, Leonard made it very clear he doesn’t want a party.

 I think a birthday party is a terrible idea. I envy Leonard for growing up without that anguish. 

 Year after year, I had to endure wearing conical hats while being forced into the crowded sweaty hell of bouncy castles, not to mention being blindfolded and spun towards a grotesque tailless donkey as the other children mocked my disorientation. 

 Have I pointed out that I am extremely uncomfortable with dancing, loud music and most other forms of alcohol induced frivolity. 

 You can’t do that, if you make a mark on a mint comic book it’s no longer mint.

 Well of course I… oh! Yeah, I have an idea, let’s throw Leonard a kick ass birthday party.

 The whole point of a secret knock is to establish a non-verbal signal to verify the identity of one’s co-conspirators. 

 Let’s say that I go out and I spend fifty dollars on you, it’s a laborious activity, because I have to imagine what you need, whereas you know what you need. Now I can simplify things, just give you the fifty dollars directly and, you could give me fifty dollars on my birthday, and so on until one of us dies leaving the other one old and fifty dollars richer. And I ask you, is it worth it? 

 Question, how am I going to get Leonard a present before the party? I don’t drive, and the only things available within walking distance are a Thai restaurant and a gas station. I suppose I could wrap up an order of mee krob and a couple of lottery scratchers. 

 Yes, but they have DVD burners over here. Leonard needs a DVD burner. 

 Something he wouldn’t buy for himself. Something fun. Something like… oh, an 802.11n wireless router. 

 Penny! If I’m going to buy Leonard a gift, I’m going to do it right. I refuse to let him experience the same childhood trauma I did. 

 On my twelfth birthday I really wanted a titanium centrifuge, so, you know, I could separate radioactive isotopes. 

 Instead of a titanium centrifuge, my parents bought me… wow, this is hard. They got me… a motorised dirt bike. 

 No, no, no, no, she doesn’t want that, she needs a point to point peer network with a range extender.

 Not now, Penny, this poor man needs me. (To woman approaching) You hold on, I’ll be right with you. What computer do you have, and please don’t say a white one?

 That’s what you did. I assumed as in a number of languages that the gesture was part of the phrase.

 How am I supposed to know that? As the teacher it’s your obligation to separate your personal idiosyncrasies from the subject matter. 

 I believe the Szechuan Palace has been passing off orange chicken as tangerine chicken and I intend to confront them. 

 Not surprising. Penny’s emotional responses originate from the primitive portion of the brain known as the Amygdala, while speech is centred in the much more recently developed Neocortex. The former can easily overpower the latter giving scientific credence to the notion of being rendered speechless. (Leonard stares at him.) Or maybe she just doesn’t want to talk. 

 I’m not aware of any social convention that requires you to intervene at all.

 Twelfth century code of chivalry, not exactly current. You’d also have to be knighted for that to apply. 

 Actually, I thought the first two renditions were far more compelling. Previously I felt sympathy for the Leonard character, now I just find him to be whiny and annoying. 

 Not necessarily. I’m often surprised by my lack of familiarity with Leonard. Just the other day I discovered, he not only has a loofah, he hides it. Why do you suppose a man would be ashamed of having a loofah? I myself prefer to have my excess epithelial cells slough off naturally, but I don’t condemn those who seek to accelerate the process.  (Time shift) And until recently I had no idea that despite his lactose intolerance, he can tolerate small amounts of non-fat ice cream without producing a noxious gas that I maintain in the right concentration could be weaponised. (Begins to unlock apartment door.)

 Well, he didn’t actually say anything, but when he came back to the apartment he was doing a dance that brought to mind the happy hippos in Fantasia. 

 Oh, I wish it were that simple. You see, I don’t spend much time here and so I’ve never really chosen a place to sit. 

 There are a number of options and, I’m really not familiar enough with the cushion densities, air flow patterns and dispersion of sunlight to make an informed choice.

 No, no, that’s crazy. You go ahead and talk while I figure it out. 

 A little crush? Well I suppose so, in the same way Menelaus had a little crush on Helen of Troy. 

 Leonard isn’t the kind of guy anyone usually goes out with. Would you be open to rotating the couch clockwise thirty degrees? 

 The last one worked out well for Koothrappali. He got a free iPod. Oh, glare! 

 I would not say that. No-one would say that, a light year is a unit of distance, not time. 

 Draft. You see people hear the word year and they think duration. Foot pound has the same problem, that’s a unit of work, not of weight.

 No. That’s Mrs Grossinger. And she doesn’t have a cat, she has a Mexican hairless, annoying little animal, yip yip yip yip…

 Sorry, you diverted me. Anyway, in 1935, Erwin Schrodinger, in an attempt to explain the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum physics, he proposed an experiment where a cat is placed in a box with a sealed vial of poison that will break open at a random time. Now, since no-one knows when or if the poison has been released, until the box is opened, the cat can be thought of as both alive and dead. 

 Well of course you don’t get it, I haven’t made it yet. You’d have to be psychic to get it, and there’s no such thing as psychic.

 Just like Schrodinger’s Cat, your potential relationship with Leonard right now can be thought of as both good and bad. It is only by opening the box that you’ll find out which it is. 

 No, no, no, no, no, no. Let me start again. In 1935, Erwin Schrodinger…

 I can see that. Unless you’re planning on running a marathon, choosing both stuffing and mashed potatoes is a starch filled redundancy.

 A mistake involving Penny? Okay, you’ll have to narrow it down. 

 Ah, then your meal choice is appropriate. Starch absorbs fluid which reduces the amount of vomit available for violent expulsion. 

 You also made a common grammatical mistake, you said nauseous when you meant nauseated. But go on. 

 Well, if we accept your premise, and also accept the highly improbable assumption that Penny is the only woman in the world for you then we can logically conclude that the result of blowing it would be that you end up a lonely, bitter old man with no progeny. The image of any number of evil lighthouse keepers from Scooby Doo cartoons comes to mind. 

 Alright, what response on my part would bring this conversation to a speedy conclusion?

 You sound surprised. Mmm, hou zi shui zai li du. (Your monkey sleeps inside me.) 

 They were clever, Leonard. They exploited my complete lack of interest in what you were doing. 

 Interesting, her jaws are clenched, no tongue access, clearly a bad sign amongst mating humans. 

 Please, you might as well have been two iguana with no dewlap enlargement. 

 Oh, hi Penny. FYI, the hot water is inadequate on machine 2 so colours only, and 4 is still releasing the fabric softener too early in the cycle so I’d avoid using that for your delicates. 

 Oh, good Lord. Why don’t you just take your clothes down to the river and beat them with a rock? 

 I would prefer that you not, but I won’t go so far as to forbid it. 

 Well I assume you’re not referring to digestive regularity? Because I’ve come to learn that such inquiries are inappropriate. 

 Oh. Well, a few years ago he did go out with a woman who had a PhD in French Literature. 

 Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature. 

 You thought the opposite of stupid loser was community college graduate? 

 Well I’m sorry, but you would have had to express that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether or not I wanted to accept the covenant of secret keeping. You can’t impose a secret on an ex post facto basis. 

 Secret keeping is a complicated endeavour. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expression, autonomic reflexes, when I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous tics than a lyme disease research facility. (Long pause.) It’s a joke. It relies on the hominymic relationship between tick the blood-sucking arachnid, and tic the involuntary muscular contraction. I made it up myself. 

 So you’re saying that friendship contains within it an inherent obligation to maintain confidences?

 Interesting. See, one more question, and perhaps I should have led with this, when did we become friends? 

 Why are you asking me, I have no information about your interactions with Penny other than what you provided me, nor do I have any method of learning such things. (Runs away.) 

 Nothing. You seem to be implying an informational back channel between me and Penny where obviously none exists.

 I just think you need to be careful how you phrase things, sir. 

 Well I might ask you the same question. Why do you insist on attempting to drag me into matters which have nothing to do with me? But exist between you and Penny. A person to whom I barely speak. (His eye begins to twitch.) 

 There’s no reason to bring my looks into this. Good day, Leonard.

 Why don’t you take a minute to decide (leads her away) I can’t keep your secret Penny. I’m going to fold like an energy based anobo protein in conformational space. Like a renaissance triptych. Like a cheap suit.

 I’m constitutionally incapable. That’s why I was refused clearance for a very prestigious government research fellowship at a secret military supercollider, located beneath a fake agricultural station 12.5 miles south east of Travers City, Michigan. Which you did not hear about from me. 

 Forget! You want me to forget? This mind does not forget. I haven’t forgotten a single thing since the day my mother stopped breast feeding me. It was a drizzly Tuesday.

 Not necessarily. This is a classic example of munchausen’s trilemma. Either the reason is predicated on a series of sub-reasons leading to an infinite regression, or it tracks back to arbitrary axiomatic statements, or it’s ultimately circular, i.e., I’m moving out because I’m moving out. 

 It’s my pre-packed disaster evacuation bag. Recommended by the department of homeland security. And Sarah Connor. 

 Excuse me, but isn’t hosting guests an aspect of Menushya Yajna, one of the five central religious duties or sacrifices of the Hindu householder? 

 Don’t you worry about the residual radium from the luminous dials?

 I can’t believe I didn’t bring my gieger counter. You know, I had it on my bed and I didn’t pack it. 

 I’m kidding, I packed it. It was a joke, I was subverting the conversational expectations. I believe they call that the, um, old switcheroo. 

 Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you. Obviously you’re not that familiar with Indian cinema. 

 No, that’s fine. I’m perfectly comfortable sleeping on a bouncy castle. 

 Yeah, Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt and then her. 

 That makes Halle Berry my fifth favourite catwoman. There’s Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt, Lee Meriwether…

 I’m trying, I’m counting catwomen. She did make a fine mutant in the X-Men movies though.

 But she’s not my favourite of the X-Men, in order that would be Wolverine, Cyclops, oh wait, I forgot Professor X. Professor X, Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman, then Storm, Angel, the Beast, oh wait, Nightcrawler. Professor X, Nightcrawler, Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman, then Storm, Angel….

 Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it, but we can’t tell Dad. 

 Penny lied about graduating from community college because she is afraid she’s not smart enough for Leonard. 

 I know, most of your work is extremely derivative. Don’t worry, that’s not a secret. Everybody knows. 

 It was rife with historical inaccuracies. For example, the tavern girl serving flagons of mead, now her costume was obviously Germanic, but in 1487 the Bavarian purity laws or Rhineheitsgebot severely limited the availability of mead. At best they would have had some sort of spiced wine.

 Oh-ho! Really? Well here’s another nit for you. The flagons would not have been made of polypropylene.

 Bosoms would not have said howdy in the fifteenth century. If anything they would have said “huzzah!”

 Renaissance fair? More of a medieval slash age of enlightenment slash any excuse to wear a codpiece fair.

 That was not fifteenth century soap, my God those people need to learn you can’t just put “ye olde” in front of anything and expect to get away with it.

 Notify the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary, the word plenty has been redefined to mean two.

 Her research methodology is sloppy, she’s unjustifiably arrogant about loop quantum gravity, and to make matters worse she’s often mean to me.

 Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go do work that promises significant results, as opposed to what you do, which does not. Yeah, you heard me.

 You know what this means, don’t you? Break out the Red Bull, it’s time to rock Mario old school.

 But it’s Friday. Friday’s always vintage game night. Look, mom included the memory card, we can pick up where I left off in 1999 when I had pernicious anaemia.

 Well then, no problem, I have three controllers, the more the merrier.

 Oh, well you can’t blame me for not jumping to that conclusion.

 Leonard, I am a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and an IQ which can’t be accurately measured by normal tests, how much scarcer could I be?

 I’m a modern day Napoleon exiled to the Elba of the staircase because Leonard, get this, has a date.

 What if I choke on my popcorn, who will administer the Heimlich manoeuvre.

 Leslie Winkle. Of all the overrated physicists in all the labs in all the world, why does it have to be Leslie Winkle?

 Oh please. The only way she could make a contribution to science would be if they resume sending chimps into space.

 Everybody has a date. Even you, Mario, going after Princess Peach. And what am I doing, I’m just enabling you.

 I don’t care. There are far too many historical anomalies for my comfort.

 If you’re having trouble deciding where to sit may I suggest one potato two potato, or as I call it the Leslie Winkle experimental methodology.

 It’s not hard. It’s simple. You can either sit with me, your friend, colleague and roommate, or you can sit with an overrated scientist you might have sex with.

 Alright, let’s say I go to dinner alone. And during the meal I have to use the rest room. How do I know someone’s not touching my food?

 Penny, hold on. Are you sure things can’t work out with you and Leonard?

 I’m just wondering if you really gave it the old college try? Or in your case the old community college try?

 Yes, the Doctor Doom to my Mr Fantastic. The Doctor Octopus to my Spiderman. The Doctor Sivana to my Captain Marvel.

 Do you know, it’s amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees. Graduate school should probably do a better job of screening those people out.

 Given this situation, I have no choice but to withdraw my previous objections to your ill considered relationship with Leonard.

 Smart? I’d have to lose 60 IQ points to be classified as smart.

 Wait a minute, why am I doing all the giving here? If Leonard’s really my friend, why doesn’t he have to support me in my hatred of Leslie Winkle?

 Oh Mario. If only I could control everyone the way I control you. Hop, you little plumber, hop, hop, hop.

 Leonard, you are my friend. And friends support their friends, apparently. So I am withdrawing my objection to your desire to have a relationship with Leslie.

 I will graciously overlook the fact that she is an arrogant sub-par scientist, who actually believes loop quantum gravity better unites quantum mechanics with general relativity than does string theory. You kids have fun.

 That’s a temporal anomaly. Corn dogs didn’t come into existence until the first half of the twentieth century.

 You appear to have put your car key in the door lock, are you aware of that?

 Alright then. (Turns to return inside. One of the grocery bags Penny is holding falls to the floor spilling groceries.) 

 Well that’s not surprising. That Baldwin lock on your door uses traditional edge mounted cylinders, whereas the key for your Volkswagon uses a centre cylinder system.

 You’re welcome. Point of inquiry, why did you put your car key in the door lock?

 Well, the American Midwest was mostly settled by Scandinavian and Germanic peoples who, well they have a characteristic facial bone structure….

 Well, actually, insects are a dietary staple in many cultures, they’re almost pure protein.

 I believe the condensation on your frozen foods weakened the structural integrity of the bag. But returning to your key conundrum, perhaps you should call a locksmith and have him open the door for you.

 And you’re frustrated because he phrased his reply in the form of a meaningless tautology?

 There there. (Reluctantly) Would you prefer to wait in our apartment?

 AFK. I’m playing Age of Conan, an online multiplayer game set in the universe of Robert E. Howard’s Conan the Barbarian.

 Just click on them. Congratulations, you are now a level three warrior.

 You’re okay, if you run into crocodiles just kick them with your boots.

 Well let’s see, uh, she attempted to open her apartment with her car key, because her face is overly Midwestern, um, she hasn’t had sex in six months, and she ate a fly.

 They make up a non-Newtonian fluid which is liquid, but solid under the percussive action of the speaker.

 You can’t slay the guard captain with a bronze dagger, my Lord it’s like the car key in your apartment door all over again.

 You’re going to have to learn to do these things for yourself, Penny.

 I can’t wear different pyjamas, these are my Monday pyjamas. Penny, people cannot be in my bedroom.

 Of course it’s not, you’re only a level 25, the Hungarians are just using you for dragon fodder.

 I realise that Dr Gablehauser but it is your job, as head of the department, to mediate all inter-departmental disputes. University policy manual chapter four, subsection two, mediation of inter-departmental disputes.

 Here’s the problem. I was clearly signed up to use the mainframe in Buckman 204, and Dr Winkle just wantonly ripped the sign-up sheet off the wall.

 If it is a crime to ensure that the universities resources are not being squandered chasing sub-atomic wild geese then I plead guilty. (His phone rings.) Oh, Penny!

 Oh yeah, well, you wouldn’t even be nominated. Dr Gablehauser, I have a series of important multi-bit calculations and simulations to run. All she’s doing is reducing irrelevant data and making a mock…

 Hello. Penny, this is not a good time. No, I told you, you’re not prepared for the Sanctum of Burning Souls. You need to be in a group of at least five for that quest, and one should be a level 35 healer. Penny, I can’t log on and help you. We’ll talk when I get home. (Puts phone down) I’m not getting the computing time, am I?

 Well, yes, but you’re the one who said hello to her when she moved in. If you’d simply restrained yourself none of this would be happening.

 I did. I told her, I texted her, I sent out a very emphatic twitter. I even changed my facebook status to Sheldon Cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone. I don’t know what else to do.

 I don’t know, but if you don’t figure something out, I warn you I shall become very difficult to live with.

 Oh yeah, well your attempt at juvenilizing me by excluding me from the set of adult males…. oh, I’m too tired to do this.

 Hang on, Leonard, while I have no respect for Leslie as a scientist, or a human being for that matter, we have to concede her undeniable expertise in the interrelated fields of promiscuity and general sluttiness.

 Yeah, yeah, enough debate, I’m going to take action. (Leans over to a good looking man on a nearby table.) Excuse me, are you currently involved in a sexual relationship?

 Right. 22. (Cut to his screen, he is filling in an online dating profile.)

 So listen, would you describe your ideal vacation as a wild adventure to unknown lands, or staying at home curled up with a good book?

 These are market research questions. I’m filling out the online registration for your game.

 You’re welcome. Anyhow, on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being always initiated by him, and 5 being always initiated by you, how do you prefer your sexual encounters to begin?

 Oh yes, it’s quite extensive. But if we complete it, we get a free expansion pack, 75 additional quests.

 Yes, you were very clear, as was everyone else at the table. Tom, however, has been chosen by science as a suitable mate for Penny.

 Well, what passes for science on dating sites. They claim to use heuristic algorithms, but it may well be hokum.

 Tom is a paramedic with the fire department, but he’s going to med school at night, uh, he likes the outdoors, and, uh, strong women who initiate sex.

 I’m surprised you struck out with Penny. Apparently she’s a big old five.

 Oh, good, you got my note. Penny, I’d like you to meet Tom, uh, Penny, this is Tom, Tom, may I present Penny.

 But wouldn’t you prefer to socialise with Tom, who is a sexually passive outdoorsman.

 I had to sanitize my hands because the university replaced the paper towels in the rest rooms with hot air blowers.

 Hot air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence. Frankly it would be more hygienic if they just had a plague infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry.

 I’m confused. Was there some sort of peer review committee to determine which scientists would be included?

 Yeah, but exactly who are these people? What are their credentials, how are they qualified, what makes accidentally noticing a hunk of rock that’s been traipsing around the solar system for billions of years more noteworthy than any other scientific accomplishment made by someone under thirty?

 Oh! No, I beg to differ. Of the three of us, I was by far the most supportive.

 How will Raj ever reach true greatness if his friends lower the bar for him? When I was eleven, my sister bought our father a “world’s greatest dad” coffee mug, and frankly the man coasted until the day he died.

 Well, you didn’t discover him, you merely noticed he was here, much like he did with 2008 NQ sub 17.

 He gets a new office, I can’t even get paper towels in the men’s room?

 Right, a ball of hot flaming gas that collapses in on itself. (Leonard nudges him. He smiles. Phone rings.) 

 There’s a tribe in Papua New Guinea where, when a hunter flaunts his success to the rest of the village they kill him, and drive away evil spirits with a drum made of his skin. Superstitious nonsense of course, but one can see their point. (Smiles)

 A tremendous accomplishment would be if the planetary body he discovered were plummeting toward Earth and he exploded it with his mind.

 Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced not shredded?

 Did you stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard.

 Were you distracted by the possibility that Koothrappali might have intercourse with Penny tonight?

 Then there’s no excuse for this chicken. You know, this situation with Koothrapali brings to mind a story from my childhood.

 That’s Northwest Texas, I’m from East Texas, the Gulf region, home to many Vietnamese shrimpers.

 No. Anyway, when I was eight, a Montgomery-Ward delivery van ran over our cat, Lucky.

 While others mourned Lucky, I realised his untimely demise provided me with the opportunity to replace him with something more suited to my pet needs. A faithful companion that I could snuggle with at night, and yet would be capable of killing upon telepathic command.

 Irrelevant. See, I was studying recombinant DNA technology and I was confident I could create one, but my parents were unwilling to secure the necessary eagle eggs and lion semen. Course my sister got swimming lessons when she wanted them.

 My point is, if Koothrappali is moving on to a new life of shallow, undeserved fame, perhaps this is an opportunity to create a better cohort.

 That’s one option, but who has the time? But consider this, the Japanese, they’re doing some wonderful work with artificial intelligence, now, you combine that with some animatronics from the imagineers over at Disney, next thing you know, we’re playing Halo with a multi-lingual Abraham Lincoln.

 Uh, for the record, it could kill us to meet new people. They could be murderers, or the carriers of unusual pathogens, and I’m not insane, my mother had me tested.

 Yeah, we’re going to have to stop by Pottery Barn on the way to work, I bought these Star Wars sheets but they turned out to be much too stimulating to be compatible with a good night’s sleep. I don’t like the way Darth Vader stares at me.

 Oh, just because your career’s been stagnant for a few years, that’s no reason to give up.

 I can’t take the bus any more. They don’t have seatbelts. And they won’t let you lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords.

 I didn’t try, I succeeded. For some reason it alarmed the other passengers and I was asked to de-bus.

 Don’t talk to me like I’m a child. Now, take me to return my star wars sheets!

 Then I hereby invoke what I’m given to understand is an integral part of the implied covenant of friendship. The favour.

 I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was interrupting your morning prayers. When you’re done, we’ll go.

 Oh, good. I’m not keeping you from anything. Your check engine light is on.

 Typically that’s an indicator. To, you know, check your engine.

 Well, actually, that would be all the more reason to, you know, check your engine.

 If it were fine, the light wouldn’t be on. That’s why the manufacturer installed that light, to let you know it’s not fine.

 Is there a “check the check engine light light”? (Penny takes a drink of coffee) O-o-o-oh!

 Studies have shown that performing tasks such as eating, talking on a cell phone or drinking coffee while driving reduces one’s reaction time by the same factor as an ounce of alcohol.

 Euclid Avenue is shorter as the crow flies, but it has speed bumps, which appreciably increase point-to-point drive time, making it the less efficient choice. But you have the conn. Of course, if you’re not going to slow down for the speed bumps, I withdraw my previous objection. Here’s a fun question. Do you know what the most common street name is?

 The answer’s tricky. It’s Second Street. You see, you’d think it would be First Street, but in most towns, First Street eventually gets renamed to something else, you know, like Main Street, Broad Street, Michigan Avenue. Leonard and I often use our commute time to exercise our minds  with brain-teasers like that. We also play games. Would you like to play one?

 Oh, come on, it’s fun. Ooh! Another bump. Okay. I’ll say an element, and uh, you say an element whose name starts with the last letter of the one I said, okay? I’ll start. Helium. Now, you could say Mercury. That would give me a Y. Ooh.  Very clever, that’s a tough one. So I go Ytterbium, which gets you back to M. So you go Molybdenum, and I say Magnesium, you say Manganese, and  I say Europium, and, and you’re left with Mendelevium, and  there are no more M’s because I believe that Meitnerium should still be called Ekairidium, so congratulations, you win. Do you wanna go again?

 All right. Hmm, huh, I’m sorry, I’m finding your reckless nonchalance regarding the check-engine light to be very troubling.

 Well, I have to tell you that while I do have a theoretical understanding of the workings of an internal combustion engine, I’m not sure I’m capable of performing diagnostics.

 Whether or not he was trying to kill me. For the record, I maintain he was. Where are you going?

 Oh, but I’m not going home. It’s Wednesday, Wednesday is new comic book day, we have to go to the comic book store. And then we have to stop at Soup Plantation, it’s creamy tomato soup day, and Radio Shack, there’s a sale on triple-a batteries. Plus, we have to go to Pottery Barn and return my Star Wars sheets.

 She’s in my spot. Don’t look at me like that, everybody knows that my spot.

 Department of motor vehicles new driver handbook? But I don’t have a problem.

 Examining perturbative amplitudes in n=4 supersymmetric theories leading to a re-examination of the ultraviolet properties of multi-loop n=8 supergravity using modern twistor theory.

 Just, look, see, this first question makes no sense, how many car lengths should you leave in front of you when driving? There’s no possible way to answer that, a car length is not a standardized unit of measure.

 How else are they going to learn? Look, question 2, when are roadways most slippery? Now, okay, there are three answers, none of which are correct. The correct answer is, when covered by a film of liquid sufficient to reduce the coefficient of static friction between the tire and the road to essentially zero, but not so deep as to introduce a new source of friction.

 But I’m not done. I have many additional concerns about these questions.

 Is that why I appear to be in downtown Fallujah, behind the wheel of an up-armored Humvee?

 Statistically, red cars are stopped by police far more often than any other colour. I don’t want any hassles with the fuzz.

 You know the pale blue of Luke Skywalker’s lightsaber, before it was digitally remastered?

 I don’t know. I was on the Pasadena freeway, I missed my exit, flew off the overpass, and one thing led to another.

 No. I quit. (Stands up. There is more sound of crashing and panic, then animal noises.)

 Remind me to compliment Wolowitz on the software, it’s amazingly detailed.

 I’m transcending the situation. I’m clearly too evolved for driving.

 Leonard, have you ever wondered why my little toes and lateral incisors are significantly smaller than the average for someone of my size?

 Well, those are indicators that I’m farther along the evolutionary scale than the average human.

 Well, no, no, I’m not going to go so far as to say that I represent a distinct new stage in humankind, you know, a Homo Novus, if you will, no, that’s for anthropologists to decide. But I am convinced that the reason I cannot master the plebeian task of driving is because I’m not meant to.

 No, no. Leonard, I’m meant for greater things, like unraveling the mysteries of the universe, not determining when it’s safe to pass a stopped school bus on a country road.

 You saw nothing! (Sweeps hood around himself and vanishes through cafeteria door.)

 In short, anyone who told you that you would someday be able to make any significant contribution to physics played a cruel trick on you, a cruel trick indeed. Any questions? Of course not. I weep for the future of science. Now if you’ll excuse me, the latest issue of Batman is out. Come, Leonard.

 The truth can indeed be a finger down the throat of those unprepared to hear it. But why should I cater to second-rate minds?

 The fact is I’m quite close to a breakthrough in showing how neutrinos emerge from a string-net condensate.

 I never eat in strange restaurants. One runs the risk of non-standard cutlery.

 Three tines is not a fork, three tines is a trident. Forks are for eating, tridents are for ruling the seven seas.

 That would be acceptable. On Mondays, I eat Thai food. Mee krob and chicken sate with extra peanut sauce from Siam Palace.

 Did you enjoy the humorous footnote where I illustrate mirror-symmetry by likening it to the Flash playing tennis with himself?

 Oh, great. She’s smart, insightful and she has a very unique way of, you know, revering me.

 Ramona pointed out that I’ve been wasting 20 minutes a day standing on cafeteria lines.

 You don’t tackle the big issues, Ramona. You fence with them. En garde. Riposte.

 Well, to paraphrase Mozart, all the subatomic particles are there, I just have to put them in the right order.

 He does want that. Does a man with my intellectual gifts play paintball on weekends?

 I suppose. Battlestar Galactica comes on tonight. (Pause) I guess I can wait for the DVD. (Pause) And then never ever watch it.

 Please, please, I don’t have a lot of time. Look, Ramona finally dozed off, and I need you to help me get rid of her.

 I don’t know, but apparently I’m in some kind of relationship, and you seem to be an expert at ending them.

 Um… she distracted me. I told you, Penny, I don’t have time for your nonsense, I have important things to do.

 It’s very simple. This is A (knock knock) this is B (knock knock-knock-knock) this is C…

 It was a lot more than that. You helped me work out the masses of all the fermions, and you pumiced my hammer toe. How can I ever repay you?

 Let’s see, today’s Thursday. Thursday nights, I eat pizza from Giacomo’s. Sausage, mushrooms, light olives.

 All right, if you must watch, then mute it with closed captions, please.

 All right, pencils down! I have lokh, makh, and cherrrkh. Anybody got those?

 Oh, do we have to suffer through this transparently manipulative pseudo-reality again?

 You and I have a standing TV schedule which is the result of extensive debate and compromise. Any alterations except for breaking news have to be pre-approved at the weekly roommate meeting.

 You have two strikes. Three strikes and you’re out. It’s a sports metaphor.

 March 18th. You violated my rule about forwarding email humour.

 I trusted you with my email address, and you betrayed that trust by sending me Internet banality, strike one. Touching my food, strike two.

 And then you put it back, compromising the integrity of all the other onion rings.

 Look, Penny, I wish I could be more lenient with you, but since you’ve become a permanent member of our social group I have to hold you to the same standards as everybody else.

 No one said anything of the kind to Neil Armstrong, the entire nation dedicated a decade of effort and treasure to put a man on the moon.

 Wait. Excuse me. You forgot my barbecue bacon cheeseburger, barbecue sauce, bacon and cheese on the side.

 You can’t do that. Not only is it a violation of California state law, it flies directly in the face of Cheesecake Factory policy.

 Really? Despite the sign that says “Do not leave laundry unattended”?

 You know, I do recall seeing some female undergarments. Where was that? Oh, yes, earlier this evening I happened to gaze out the window and a brassiere caught my eye. Do those look familiar?

 When you understand the laws of physics, Penny, anything is possible. And may I add, mwah-ha-ha!

 Well, then may I suggest you get a very long stick and play panty pinata.

 I am meeting you halfway, I’m willing to concede that you’ve done some stupid things.

 Oh, good. Hi, Mom. How are you? But, Mom, she keeps sitting in my spot. And, and she touched my food. Okay, yes, I took her clothes, but she started it. No, that’s not fair. Why should I have to apologize? Yeah, I really don’t think this is the kind of thing Jesus concerns himself with. No, you’re right, I don’t really know what Jesus thinks about. All right, good-bye. Did you tell on me?

 Ooh, I don’t think so. No, anecdotal evidence suggests that in the game of rock-paper-scissors, players familiar with each other will tie 75 to 80% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes. I suggest rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock.

 It’s very simple. Look, scissors cuts paper. Paper covers rock. Rock crushes lizard. Lizard poisons Spock. Spock smashes scissors. Scissors decapitates lizard. Lizard eats paper. Paper disproves Spock. Spock vaporizes rock. And as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

 Oh yes, like the male peacock with brilliant plumage or the rutting baboon with engorged hindquarters.

 Then I believe we’ve arrived at another quintessential rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock moment.

 Okay, first of all, that’s a comparison of quality, not intensity. Secondly, Star Trek I is orders-of-magnitude worse than Star Trek V.

 No, no, no. Star Trek V has specific failures in writing and direction, while Star Trek I fails across the board, art direction, costuming, music, sound editing.

 Really? They don’t let strange women from honky-tonks come in and play with $200million government projects on distant planets?

 Oh, how nice. Maybe they can carpool when they visit you in federal prison.

 I believe the appropriate metaphor here involves a river of excrement and a Native American water vessel without any means of propulsion.

 Plus I understand you have to be standing next to the vehicle with your card when they arrive.

 Will you all excuse me? Leonard is subtly signalling that he’d like to talk to me in private.

 So you brought me in here to inform me that you can’t tell me where you’re going and you can’t tell me who might ask?

 If someone, and of course, we don’t know who this would be, does ask where you’ve gone, what should I say?

 This would have worked out a lot better if you’d just told me you were going the office.

 Howard is employing a schoolyard paradigm in which you are, for all intents and purposes, deceased. He intends to act on this by not speaking to you, feigning an inability to hear you when you speak and otherwise refusing to acknowledge your existence.

 I believe this is an extension of the death metaphor. The cold breeze is the so-called ectoplasmic issue of a disembodied soul passing by.

 Look I’m sorry, you violated the terms of your metaphor by acknowledging her existence. I’m out.

 It’s colloquial, a conversation opener. So, do you find the weather satisfying? Are you currently sharing in the triumph of some local sports team?

 All right, But I’m given to understand that when you have something awkward to discuss with someone, it’s more palatable to preface it with banal chit chat.

 Oh, good, I used that right. Anyway, you’re aware that Leonard has entered into a new romantic relationship which includes a sexual component?

 Her name is Dr. Stephanie Barnett and she is a highly distinguished surgical resident at Freemont Memorial.

 Good. What he may have left out is how important this relationship is to me.

 Yes, see, of the handful of women Leonard’s been involved with, she’s the only one I have ever found tolerable.

 Anyway, should you have any interaction with her, it would be most helpful that she not see you as a sexual rival.

 You say that now, but consider the following scenario, you’re sitting in your apartment, it’s late, you’re alone, your hypothalamus is swimming in a soup of estrogen and progesterone and suddenly even Leonard seems like a viable sexual candidate, or a, uh, hookup as it’s referred to by today’s urban youth.

 Yes. Now, should that happen, I would ask you to find some way to suppress your libido.

 And you said there’d never be enough pasta for the three of us.

 You know, Italian housewives have a rule of thumb. A handful of dry pasta about an inch in diameter is sufficient for each person as it doubles in volume when cooked.

 Well, Stephanie, since Leonard seems to be dropping the conversational ball, I guess I’ll just have to pick it up. Have you ever witnessed a violent crime?

 Hmm, technically not a fruit, but all right. Where did you do your medical internship?

 I spent so much of my childhood at that hospital. When I was 12, I got to ride there in a helicopter.

 Radiation burns. A little mishap while I was building my own cat scanner.

 No, I didn’t try, I succeeded. In fact, I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister’s guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught fire. It led to an interesting expression in our house, not a snowball’s chance in a cat scanner.

 Excuse me. When I come back, just for fun, the subject will be alternative history. Specifically, how would the civil war have gone differently if Lincoln had been a robot sent from the future? (To Leonard) Look at that, there’s even pasta left over.

 I do. Do you? Because frankly, you’ve been in a foul mood since I sat down.

 To help. Look, if you fail at this relationship, and history suggests you will, then we risk losing the medical officer that our landing party has always needed.

 You’re Kirk, I’m Spock, Wolowitz is Scotty, Koothrappali is the guy who always gets killed, and now we’ve got McCoy.

 Hi, Stephanie. I’m sorry I’m late, but your companion left the most indecipherable invitation.

 We’re going to the movies. What movie? What theatre? What time? If you were trying to make it impossible to locate you, you couldn’t have done a better job.

 It took me nearly 20 minutes to go through the browser history on your computer to see what movie times you looked up. Wait here, I’ll find us seats.

 My apologies, you’ve been sitting in it all along. Leonard, you want to slide over one?

 This is Stephanie’s facebook page. Now, where it should say in a relationship, what does it say?

 Yeah, furthermore, earlier this evening, she threw a digital sheep at some guy named Mike. Who’s Mike? Why does he get a digital sheep and not you?

 I’m afraid I can’t allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104 Section A, you are deemed unfit and I hereby relieve you of your command.

 It’s my understanding that an unsolicited gift of food can be a precursor to an impromptu invitation to come in and chat.

 I’m certain this will come as no surprise to you, but Leonard is failing in yet another relationship.

 She’s sending virtual livestock to random men on the internet. If I have any hope of keeping them together, I need data. Specifically, I need to know exactly what Leonard did that caused you to pop an emotional cap in his buttocks.

 Again, urban slang. In which, I believe I’m gaining remarkable fluency. So, what is the down and the low? And don’t worry, this is all entirely confidential, so, you feel free to include any and all shortcomings in the bedroom.

 It’s not enough that you made me watch that movie, but now you mock me with it?

 More to the point, it’s about finding a way to keep Leonard and Stephanie together.

 Yes, I’m aware of the math, Y equals 27 days over 12 to the nth, the issue remains, how do we circumvent his inevitable rejection?

 So, that’s all you’ve got? Apocalyptic genocide and go easy on the cologne?

 I see. Apparently my earlier inquiry regarding you and Leonard crossed some sort of line. I apologize.

 I’ve been doing some research online, and apparently female primates, you know, uh, apes, chimpanzees, you, they find their mate more desirable when he’s being courted by another female. Now, this effect is intensified when the rival female is secreting the pheromones associated with ovulation. Which brings me back to my question, where are you in (Penny slams door). Clearly, I’m 14 days too early.

 I have a craving for white asparagus that apparently is destined to go unsatisfied.

 When I fail to open this jar and you succeed it will establish you as the alpha male. You see, when a female witnesses an exhibition of physical domination she produces the hormone oxytocin. If the two of you then engage in intercourse this will create the biochemical reaction in the brain which lay people naively interpret as falling in love.

 Yes, actually it would, but let’s see how the lid goes. I’m not strong enough, Leonard, you’ll have to do it.

 No, yeah, yeah, he’s got it, and that’s not surprising. This is something I long ago came to peace with in my role as the beta male. Open it. (Leonard tries again. Then taps jar on counter. Jar breaks.)

 Just for the record, my efforts to establish you as the alpha male were not aided by you bursting into tears.

 She’s right, as long as you’re vomiting, coitus is contra-indicated.

 Well, you seem like a perfectly pleasant person. I just can’t understand why women have such a hard time loving you.

 Oh, it’s hardly hacking when you use the same password for everything, Kal-el.

 If I am permitted to speak again, Dr. Sheldon Cooper for the win.

 Well, you’re the doctor, but I am constantly hearing this annoying sound.

 Is that possible? I used to get those all the time. Even in church.

 It’s not enough that she mocks me, but that isn’t even the correct procedure for a cootie shot.

 How is it imaginary that I keep hearing an octave above Middle C? Is that imaginary? I don’t think so.

 Leonard, there’s one more thing. Under Article One, Section Three of our Roommate Agreement, I’m calling an emergency meeting.

 Leonard moves the meeting not occur. Is there a second? None heard, the motion fails. I’d like to begin the meeting by congratulating you on the progress in your relationship with Dr. Stephanie.

 That being said, we have to discuss the implementation of the agreed upon “cohabitation” rider which has been activated now that the two of you are living together.

 I beg to disagree. “A girlfriend shall be deemed quote living with un-quote Leonard when she has stayed over for A, ten consecutive nights or B, more than nine nights in three week period or C: all the weekends of a given month plus three weeknights.

 Hmm, yes, you did. Now, to review the following provisions are hereby activated. In the refrigerator, as opposed to us having two separate shelves and one communal shelf, the three of us now get individual shelves and the door becomes communal. Next, apartment vacuuming shall be increased from two to three times a week to accommodate the increased accumulation of dead skin cells. Third,the bathroom schedule. Now, I’m given to understand women have different needs, so, we’ll have to discuss that.

 At least take this with you. Look, and have Stephanie initial here, here, here, here and here. This states that she does not now nor does she intend to play a percussive or brass instrument. Sure it sounds like a tumor pressing on the auditory nerve.

 Good morning, Dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night.

 I heard you ask it over and over. How is it inappropriate for me to ask it once?

 Really? I have never once been invited to have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.

 Oh, she is. She’s terrific, and she’s proving to be a valuable roommate.

 Hang on. 130 over 80. A little high. We can attribute that to the stress of sneaking past the security desk.

 My aunt Marion gave them to me for my 12th birthday. She thought if I failed at theoretical physics that I should have a trade to fall back on. And by the way, the blood pressure cuff is called a sphygmomanometer.

 Oh, and an exploratory laparoscopy. Last time I had hiccups, it felt like my diaphragm was just going through the motions.

 I think we can safely assume that all Kryptonian condiments were destroyed when the planet Krypton exploded.

 Superman would have taken his uniform to a Kandorian dry cleaner before he left the Bottle.

 So what? His observation of high-energy positrons has provided the first conclusive evidence for the existence of galactic dark matter.

 It is a big whoop. It made almost all the work you’ve done since you’ve been here completely useless.

 It’s a rhetorical question. There is nothing more important than Wii bowling night.

 No, because we don’t celebrate the ancient pagan festival of Saturnalia.

 In the pre-Christian era, as the winter solstice approached and the plants died, pagans brought evergreen boughs into their homes as an act of sympathetic magic, intended to guard the life essences of the plants until spring. This custom was later appropriated by Northern Europeans and eventually it becomes the so-called Christmas tree.

 Oh, Penny. I know you think you’re being generous, but the foundation of gift-giving is reciprocity. You haven’t given me a gift, you’ve given me an obligation.

 Of course I do. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you’ve given me. It’s no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.

 No, it’s too late. I see it. That elf sticker says to Sheldon. The die has been cast, the moving finger has writ, Hannibal has crossed the Alps.

 No. No, I brought this on myself by being such an endearing and important part of your life. I’m going to need a ride to the mall.

 No, we’re not. Let’s say for a moment that I accept the bath item gift hypothesis, I now lay the following conundrum at your feet, which size?

 If I were to give you this gift basket, based on that action alone and no other data, infer and describe the hypothetical relationship that exists between us.

 Here. Now, are we friends? Colleagues? Lovers? Are you my grandmother?

 You see, the danger was that I might under or over-reciprocate, but I have devised a foolproof plan. See, I will open her gift to me first and then excuse myself, feigning digestive distress.

 It is, isn’t it? Is it okay if I hide them in your room? The smell makes me nauseated.

 Ah, good, Penny, you’re here to exchange gifts. You’ll be pleased to know I’m prepared for whatever you have to offer.

 I should note I’m having some digestive distress, so, if I excuse myself abruptly, don’t be alarmed. Oh, a napkin.

 Do you realize what this means? All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy!

 Did it when I was four. It’s an icosahedral dye floating in tinted blue water.

 Yeah, this is an auspicious moment. Yeah, like Robert Oppenheimer or Neil Armstrong, we need the appropriate words to mark this historic scientific event.

 I’m sorry, are you unaware of the upcoming Southern California Robot Fighting League Round Robin Invitational?

 Yeah, excuse me, Penny, but in this room, you’re the one who’s peculiar.

 Leonard, I believe it is. This is trash talk, and trash talk is a traditional component in all sporting events. Kripke, your robot is inferior and it will be defeated by ours because ours exceeds yours in both design and execution. Also, I’m given to understand that your mother is overweight.

 Now, of course, if that is the result of a glandular condition and not sloth and gluttony, I withdraw that comment.

 We don’t have that option, we’ve accepted the challenge. We can’t run away from a fight.

 You are overlooking the fact that we now know what we’re up against and we can modify Monte so that he’s prepared.

 Have faith, gentlemen. We don’t need Wolowitz, engineering is merely the slow younger brother of physics. Watch and learn. Do either of you know how to open the toolbox?

 No, Leonard. For years, merciless thugs like Kripke have made my life a series of painful noogies and humiliating wedgies and the insensitively named Indian burns. That stops now.

 What you fail to realize is Kripke suffers from a fatal flaw, overconfidence from his robot’s massive size and its overwhelming power.

 Trust me, Kripke will fall easy prey to my psychological warfare. Observe. Kripke! I would ask if your robot is prepared to meet its maker, but as you are its maker, clearly the two of you have met.

 Indeed. We are prepared for anything he can throw at us. (A flame begins to jet out of Kripke’s robot.) That’s new.

 I did this. Monte was killed by my hubris and my pride. No matter what anybody says, this is my fault.

 You’re right. Monte’s gone. We’ll bury him in the morning. A simple ceremony. I’ll speak. Leonard, you’ll play your cello.

 First off, that is axiomatically wrong, because the best pudding is chocolate. Secondly, the organic structure of tapioca makes it a jiggling bowl of potential death. It is extracted from the plant…

 Tapioca is extracted from the root of the plant Manihot Esculenta. Due to a high concentration of cyanide it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly.

 It is also indigenous to Brazil, as is the Cocoa Bean, from which we get chocolate, the best pudding. And you promised you wouldn’t do that anymore!

 Hey it’s true, Kripke lacks the basic social skills that we take for granted, but he also controls the new open science grid computer that I need to use to run some simulations of structure formation in the early universe.

 Well then, the solution is simple. I shall befriend him. Kripke!

 Really? That seems rather short sighted, coming from someone who is generally considered altogether unlikable. Why don’t you take some time to reconsider?

 It’s a questionnaire I devised. I’m having some difficulty bonding with a colleague at work, so I’m doing a little research to better understand why my current friends like me.

 Yeah, I agree, the social sciences are largely hokum. But, short of putting electrodes in your brain and monitoring your response to my companionship, this is the best I can do.

 I know, I may have started off with a fairly obvious one. You did an aspect of my most appealing trait, playfulness. Why don’t you just go ahead and write that number 1. I’m afraid you’re on your own for the rest. It should take you no more than 3 hours.

 Only 211. Don’t worry, in deference to you, I’ve kept them on a high school graduate reading level.

 Well that’s certainly a thought-provoking hypothesis. May I suggest it as the topic for your essay.

 You answered the multiple choice questions in a pattern. A B B A C. A B B A C.

 There are a number of acceptable answers, for example, C: near earth transport, but certainly not B: avocado rancher. And your essay, suggesting that I’d have better luck making friends if I wait ’til the Cylons take over? Please.

 Yes, well it’s better than what Wolowitz did. He drew a raccoon with what appears to be, a distended scrotum.

 What hope do I have for establishing new relationships given that my current friends apparently cannot take a few hours out of their lives to help me?

 The skills are transferrable. I just have no interest in going in the water.

 The ice caps are melting Leonard. In the future, swimming isn’t going to be optional. But you do bring up an interesting point. I don’t have to break new ground here, I’m sure much of the research already exists.

 You’re driving me to the mall. I’m going to acquire a book that summarizes the current theories in the field of friendmaking.

 Too bad. If it’d been a friend, I’m available to fill the void. (Woman moves away) It’s just as well, she smelled like moth balls.

 Somewhat anthropomorphized but yes. Say, maybe sometime you and I can go see monkeys together. Would you like that?

 Oh good! You’re just in time. I believe I’ve isolated the algorithm for making friends.

 See, my initial approach to Kripke, had the same deficiencies as those that plagued Stu the Cockatoo, when he was new at the zoo.

 It’s a terrific book. I’ve distilled its essence into a simple flowchart that would guide me through the process.

 Mmhmm. Mmhmm. It’s interesting. But isn’t ventriloquism, by definition, a solo activity? Yeah? Tell me another interest of yours. Hmmm. Is there any chance you like monkeys? What is wrong with you? Everybody likes monkeys. Hang on, Kripke. (Checking changes Howard has made to his flowchart) A loop counter? And an escape to the least objectionable activity! Howard, that’s brilliant! I’m surprised you saw that.

 Alright Kripke, that last interest strikes me as the least objectionable and I would like to propose that we do that together. Tomorrow. Yes, I’ll pay. Alright, goodbye. Alright! Time to learn rock climbing.

 This appears significantly more monolithic than it did on my laptop. No, one expects to see Hominids learning to use bones as weapeons.

 Hardly. Fear of heights is illogical. Fear of falling, on the other hand, is prudent and evolutionary. What would you say is the minimum altitude I need to achieve to cement our new-found friendship?

 Little kid Hominids, perhaps. (To man who attaches him to ropes) Is this your entire job? Your parents must be so proud.

 Coming, Kripke. Okay. Harness seems to be secure. Small amount of incontinence just now, but the website said that’s to be expected. Hey, this isn’t so bad. A bit like vertical swimming.

 Not really. I feel somewhat like an inverse tangent function that’s approaching an asymptote.

 What part of an inverse tangent function approaching an asymptote did you not understand?

 Well, it’s not exactly a plan but I think I’m going to pass out.

 Hello, everyone. I brought my new friend, Barry Kripke, home for dinner.

 Oh yes, I pass out all the time. But, it was worth it. I’ve made substantial progress in bonding with Kripke, which brings me to an awkward moment.

 Maintaining five friendships promises to be a Herculean task. So, I’m going to have to let one of you go.

 Leonard, you are my roommate, my source of transportation and you help me fold my sheets when they come out of the dryer. You are safe.

 Don’t be silly. Howard, you do not have a PhD, your cologne is an assault on the senses and you’re not available for video games during the Jewish high holidays.

 Penny, Penny, Penny. Everything you’re saying is true, but please allow me to continue. Raj, you’re out. The good question, while you do provide a certain cultural diversity to an otherwise homogenous group, your responses to the questionnaire were truly disturbing. How could you, for a moment, think that my favourite amino acid is Glutamine?

 So uh, Kripke, I was wondering if there’s any chance you could get me some time on the open science grid computer.

 I’m confused. I was given an understanding that you allow your friends time on the machine?

 Oh. This entire endeavour seems to have been an exercise in futility. Raj, you’re back in. He likes monkeys.

 Yes, but they have no Icee machines. Despite my aggressive letter-writing campaign, I might add.

 They have Twizzlers instead of Red Vines. No amount of lumbar support can compensate for that.

 Unacceptable, the delay would result in tomorrow morning’s bowel movement occurring at work.

 He went to the movies without me. It was the only option. I’m sorry, I don’t understand which social situation this is. Could you give me some guidance as to how to proceed?

 Oh, I see. Penny, I’m not sure I’m comfortable harbouring a fugitive from the 2311 North Los Robles Corporation.

 If you recall, I pointed out the “check engine” light to you several months ago.

 You know, it occurs to me you could solve all your problems by obtaining more money.

 Hang on a moment. (He opens a jar. Snakes jump out. He then pulls out a large wedge of money) Here. Take some. Pay me back when you can.

 My expenses account for 46.9% of my after-tax income. The rest is divvied up between a small savings account, this deceptive container of peanut brittle and the hollowed-out buttocks of a superhero action figure who shall remain nameless for his own protection. Or her own protection. Take some.

 I see no large upcoming expenditures unless they develop an affordable technology to fuse my skeleton with adamantium like Wolverine.

 Won’t it also be weird if I have to say hello to you every morning on my way to work and you’re living in a refrigerator box and washing your hair with rain water?

 Of course you will. It’s impossible to pay me back sooner than you can. Assuming you subscribe to a linear understanding of time and causality.

 The learning opportunities would be abundant. Additionally, I like having my belly scratched.

 Did you know the beret is an example of piece of women’s fashion adapted from male military uniforms? Another fascinating example is the epaulet.

 I’m at a loss. If you like, you can review my daily log of social interactions and see if there’s a blunder I overlooked.

 Forgive me, Penny, but that would be the very definition of a frivolous lawsuit.

 In case either of you have larceny in your heart, you should know that I’ve moved my money out of the snake can.

 Leonard, do you not recall the last time we visited this gentleman, we returned home without pants?

 All right. Leonard fairly calls the question, who is in favour of abandoning our game and confronting Penny’s steroid-infused ex-boyfriend in a suicidal mission to extract money from him? Say hi to Kurt for us.

 Which means his triumph will be even larger. Minstrels will write songs about him.

 I’ve got it. He didn’t remember me because the last time we met I was in a Halloween costume.

 Well done, Leonard. The true hero doesn’t seek adulation, he fights for right and justice simply because it’s his nature.

 That’s your badge of honour, your warrior’s wound, if you will. I was wrong, minstrels will write songs about you.

 This should be fairly easy to deduce. He’s holding the phone to his left ear. Ears do not cross hemispheres, so he’s using the analytical rather than the emotional side of the brain, suggesting that he has no personal relationship with the caller.

 He’s referring to an activity he has done before. It’s unpleasant and needs to be repeated. This suggests some sort of invasive medical test, like perhaps a colonoscopy.

 I have the same problem with him. My theory is that his lack of focus stems from an over-developed sex drive.

 You’re clearly misremembering. Your mother is brilliant, analytical, insightful, and I’m betting she never hit you with a Bible because you wouldn’t eat your Brussels sprouts.

 You were lucky. When I was a kid, if I wanted an EEG, I had to attach my own electrodes.

 Leonard, I had no idea your siblings were so much more successful than you.

 It’s totally understandable. In bladder voiding, as in real estate, it’s location, location, location.

 I know. Although I’ve always hated how my right frontal lobe looks in pictures.

 My apologies. I’ve been living with your son too long. Gotten into some bad habits.

 It’s surprising because I generally don’t feel comfortable around, well, anyone.

 What are the odds that two individuals as unique as ourselves would be connected by someone as comparatively workaday as your son?

 Normally, I’d feel the same way. But based on everything I’ve observed about us, I can’t help but speculate we’d be very good together.

 I was hesitant the first time I tried it, but I experienced an unanticipated and remarkable release of endorphins. It’s quite satisfying.

 The Pharmacology Department controls that, and they’re all hopped up on experimental steroids.

 I think the time has come to acknowledge that we are paying the price for some of us failing to attend my Physics Department paintball strategy meeting.

 All right, what we need now is a tactical retreat. Did you see the episode of Stargate where they found themselves on a planet with a culture based loosely on Earth’s Athens and Sparta? Not important. Leonard, Raj and I are going to burst out the door and run away, Howard will cover us.

 Because you chose your mother’s veins over victory. On three. One, two, three, go!

 Unacceptable. It baffles me why they don’t simply let some of you go so that there’s money available for my research.

 Based on your academic record, any number of things, I would imagine.

 I believe the back-scratching metaphor generally describes a quid pro quo situation where one party provides goods or services to the second party in compensation for a similar action.

 No. Despite what the name suggests, the civet cat is not a true cat. Now I’m done.

 Is that why you didn’t cover our escape and let us get cut down like animals?

 My good man, dereliction of duty in the face of the enemy is a court-martial offense.

 That is my spot. In an ever-changing world, it is a single point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function on a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot at the moment I first sat on it would be zero-zero-zero-zero.

 Hello, fastest man alive. Want to see me read your entire comic book? Want to see it again? Something’s wrong.

 That is my desk chair, that is where I work. I don’t eat in my desk chair and I don’t work in my spot. I work in my desk chair and eat in my spot.

 Excuse me, but the problem is not solved. If your head had been accidentally amputated, and we transplanted a dog’s head in its place, would that be “problem solved”?

 You claim it’s going to be a week, but I have no faith in your dry cleaner.

 Did you notice the sign on his counter? He’s not a full-time dry cleaner. He also makes keys.

 Focus is important. Was Michael DeBakey a wedding planner in between heart transplants? Did Alexander Fleming moonlight as a hairdresser? “Thanks for discovering penicillin, now how about we try a bouffant?”

 No. No, this isn’t right. Our food always comes in Szechuan Palace containers.

 But once you open the box, you’ve voided the warranty. The warranty is a sacred covenant we’ve entered into with the manufacturer. He offers to stand by his equipment, and we in return agree not to violate the integrity of the internal hardware. This little orange sticker is all that stands between us and anarchy.

 I understand your envy. This is a can’t-miss symposium. There are going to be discussions on bioorganic cellular computer devices, the advancements in multi-threaded task completion, plus a roundtable on the nonequilibrium Green’s function approach to the photoionization process in atoms.

 George Smoot is a Nobel Prize-winning physicist, one of the great minds of our time. His work in black body form and anisotropy of the cosmic microwave background radiation cemented our understanding of the origin of the universe.

 Don’t say it like that, Leonard, say it like: we’re taking the train!

 I’m simplifying the task of packing for our trip. See, by attaching RFID tags to my clothing, it will enable my laptop to read and identify the items with this wand. I will then cross-reference them against destination, anticipated activity spectrum, weather conditions, duration of trip, et cetera.

 Assuming I can keep up this pace, three hours, 11 minutes, and plus however long it takes to conclude this fairly pointless conversation.

 Socks, one pair, cotton, argyle, blue. Socks, one pair, cotton, argyle, blue.

 Gentlemen, this is the Coast Starlight, one of the great American trains operating on one of the classic American routes. On this side, you’ll see panoramic ocean vistas inaccessible to any other form of transportation, while on your side, you’ll be treated to 350 miles of CostCos, Jiffy Lubes, and cinderblock homes with above-ground pools.

 That’s over the wheelbase. Are you completely unfamiliar with the suspension characteristics of a pre-1980 Pullman-built Superliner Deluxe passenger coach?

 Here. I’m hoping once you reap the endorphic rewards of the steady clickety-clack of steel wheels on polished rails, your sour disposition will abate.

 He is referring, of course, to third class on Indian Railways’ magnificent Ranakpur Express and its twelve hundred kilometer journey from Maharashtra to the Bikaner Junction.

 Of course, if SkyNet actually did exist in the future, a perfect way to infiltrate and destroy mankind would be to send Terminators back posing as actors who have played Terminators in popular films and television series, lulling us into a false sense of security, i.e., that’s Summer Glau from The Sarah Connor Chronicles. No, Summer, don’t kill me! I’m pro-robot! Ahh!

 I’m confused. I thought you were involved in some sort of socially intimate pairing with Leslie Winkle.

 Interesting that you ask. The Coast Starlight recently added the refurbished Pacific Parlour Car. Built in 1956 and originally known as the Santa Fe Lounge Car, the lower level is a theatre…

 and the upper level is a bar that offers wine tastings if you’re going as far as Portland.

 You don’t understand. My flash drive has my paper on astrophysical probes of M-theory effects in the early universe that I was going to give to George Smoot at the conference.

 You forgot your flash drive, You forgot your flash drive (repeated over and over in time to the sound of the train)

 Okay, I’ve found the perfect solution. We get off the train at the next stop in Oxnard. We then take the 1:13 train back to Union Station. We take a cab back to the apartment, get my flash drive, and then race to San Luis Obispo, where, assuming the lights are with us and minimal traffic, we’ll meet the train.

 Okay, step four. Do you see that small plastic case on my dresser?

 I’m not in San Francisco. I’m on a train. Were you even listening to me?

 What’s up? I’ll tell you what’s up. I’m in a crisis situation, and I need you to marshal your powers of concentration, limited as they may be…

 Okay. Enough chitchat. Okay, step one, locate your emergency key to our apartment. Step two, enter our apartment. Step three, enter my bedroom.

 No! Leonard, let me tell you something. Personal robots cannot get here soon enough.

 All right, now, before you enter my bedroom unescorted, I need you to understand that this onetime grant of access does not create a permanent easement. Easement. It’s a legal right

 Yes, I’m still here. Where am I going? I’m on a train. Now, what you’ll be looking for is a small wooden box located between a Hoberman’s sphere and a sample of quartz flecked with pyrite. Hoberman’s Sphere. It’s a collapsible icosidodecahedron. No, the thing with the time on it is my alarm clock.

 You’re holding a Japanese puzzle box, which takes ten precise moves to open. First, locate the panel with the diamond pattern and slide the centre portion one millimetre to the left. Then, on the opposite end of the box, slide the entire panel down two millimetres. You’ll hear a slight click.

 No, it’s a novelty I ordered off the Internet. Now, did you hear the click?

 Okay, now you’re going to insert the flash drive into the USB port. She calls me Moon Pie because I’m nummy-nummy and she could just eat me up, now, please put the flash drive in the USB port. The one that looks like a little duck’s mouth.

 Despite my deep love of chess, lasers and aerosol disinfectant, I must forfeit.

 So, Penny has a don’t knock on my door before eleven o’clock  or I punch you in the throat rule.

 When I signed for the package, I was deputized by the United Parcel Service and entrusted with its final delivery. I now need you to acknowledge receipt of the package so that I’m fully indemnified and no longer liable.

 Well, the contents are irrelevant. A legal bailment has been created. Does that mean nothing to you?

 Bailment describes a relationship in common law where a physical possession of personal property, or chattels, is transferred from one person, the bailor, to another person, the bailee.

 No, Of course you’re not. All right, ten dollars a day times five days a week times 52 weeks a year is two thousand six hundred dollars.

 I believe the Internal Revenue Service would strongly disagree. But, if you took advantage of modern marketing techniques, and you optimized your manufacturing process, you might be able to make this a viable business.

 Penny, I’m a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains.

 I have a working knowledge of the important things in the universe. Good luck.

 And you understand that will involve me telling you what to do?

 And you’re not allowed to be sarcastic or snide to me while I’m doing so.

 Good. Let’s begin with the premise that everything you’ve done up to this point is wrong.

 That’s 4.9 Penny Blossoms per hour. Based on your cost of materials and your wholesale selling price, you’ll effectively be paying yourself… $5.19 a day.

 There are children in a sneaker factory in Indonesia who outearn you.

 All right, are you familiar with the development that resulted from Honoré Blanc’s 1778 use of interchangeable parts? The assembly line, of course.

 That wasn’t a part of our original agreement, and I do not agree to it now.

 You’re thinking of the moving assembly line, an understandable but not excusable mistake. No. The moving assembly line, that was introduced by Henry Ford in 1908. That innovation is what made possible our modern consumer culture by enabling a low-unit cost for manufactured goods. I guess that isn’t one of the topics discussed on your Radiohead.

 I assume you’re referring to the sea shanty. It’s a rhythmic work song designed to increase productivity.

 Penny’s making hair accessories. I’m helping her optimize her manufacturing process. All right, break’s over. (They start singing again.)

 Hush, hush, hush, hush, hush, virtually non-existent. I’m thinking that we set her up with a hosted turnkey e-commerce system to start.

 Of course, but before we set up a marketing and distribution infrastructure, we should finish optimizing the manufacturing process. To start with, she has a terrible problem with moisture-induced glitter clump.

 Let’s think out of the box for a moment. How about a molecular sieve?

 Oh, great. Raj, why don’t you and Howard go get the charcoal? Leonard, why don’t you start working on some preliminary Web site designs. I’ll make some space in our apartment so we can move the manufacturing process.

 Penny, this is your enterprise, so it’s ultimately your decision, but based on the quality of his work, I’d strongly recommend that we let Leonard go.

 Camouflaging bald spots. That’s primarily a male concern. Perhaps we could expand our market.

 Excuse me, but was this not your goal? Financial independence through entrepreneurial brilliance and innovation? My brilliance and innovation, of course, but still.

 Okay, that, right there, that equivocation and self-doubt, that is not the American spirit. Did Davy Crockett quit at the Alamo? Did Jim Bowie?

 Alright, let me put it this way. Your gross receipts on this one order will be over $3,000 for one night’s work.

 Penny, the labour force is a living organism that must be carefully nurtured. Any counterproductive grumbling must be skilfully headed off by management. Observe. Hey! Less talk, more work!

 I’m sorry, coffee’s out of the question. When I moved to California, I promised my mother that I wouldn’t start doing drugs.

 Very well, but if this leads to opiates or hallucinogenics, you’re going to have to answer to my mother.

 Look at Planck’s Constant. People say it’s arbitrary. It could not be less arbitrary. If it varied even slightly, life as we know it would not exist. Bam! Now, now, let’s reconsider the entire argument, but with entropy reversed and effect preceding cause, so you are thinking of a universe that’s not expanding from the centre, no, it is retreating from a, from a possibility space. Bam! This is a space where we are all essentially Alice through the looking glass, standing in front the Red Queen, and we’re being offered a cracker to quench our thirst. Bam! Of course, in another universe, let’s call it universe prime, there’s another Sheldon, let’s call him Sheldon prime…

 No problem. I’ll be back before this banana hits the ground. Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom! Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom!

 Penny, please, we’re facing a far more serious problem than stray arachnids.

 Not bad? It’s horrible. I mean, you hear stories about this sort of thing, but you never think it’ll happen to you.

 No, it’s not going to be fine, change is never fine. They say it is, but it’s not.

 I never met them. That’s what made them perfect, there were no awkward hellos in the halls, there was no clickety-clacking of high heel shoes on hardwood floors, they may as well have been a family of cats just jumping around from drape to drape without that annoying ammonia urine smell.

 I knew it! PS3, definitely  PS3, who would pick a mountain bike?

 I’m checking for musical instruments. Does that sound like castanets to you?

 Hello. On a scale of one to ten how light of foot would you describe yourself with one being not cat-like at all and ten being freakishly feline?

 Is that your answer or do you not understand the question? We’ll come back to that one.

 Hang on. Are you now or have you ever been a salsa, Irish folk or break-dancer?

 Oh, I’m sorry. Well, if it helps you feel any better you’re doing very well so far. Next question, are you fertile?

 I’m trying to determine whether crying infants above my head are a possibility.

 If that changes, let me know. And finally, area rugs, pro or con?

 Alicia’s non-musical, childless and pro-rug. She’s still on probation, of course, but I like her.

 True, but the more likely explanation for your attire is that you’re out of clean clothes again.

 Oh, mimicry. I enjoy mimicry. I’ve been working on Admiral Ackbar from Return of the Jedi. “It’s a trap.” You have to imagine me with a giant squid head. “It’s a trap. It’s a trap. It’s a trap.”

 In what I can only perceive as a tactical move to destroy me, he is with Wolowitz and Koothrappali setting up her stereo.

 It’s axiomatically atypical. Up until recently, they did not know Alicia, and had no encounters with her in a previous location. They never went upstairs to visit the former tenants, so your characterization of their behaviour as typical Is demonstrably fallacious.

 Oh, great! now, I have to start all over again. (Rubs out imaginary workings)

 You think I can’t hear them? Listen to that. Stomp, stomp, stomp. That’s Wolowitz in his stacked heels that fool no one.

 You know, Penny, there’s something that occurs in beehives you might find interesting. Occasionally, a new queen will arrive while the old queen is still in power. When this happens, the old queen must either locate to a new hive or engage in a battle to the death until only one queen remains.

 I’m just talking about bees. They’re on the discovery channel. What are you talking about?

 Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced, not shredded?

 You once had Leonard and me get your television from your ex-boyfriend.

 We don’t have Thai food on Thursday. We have pizza on Thursday.

 Well apparently the news didn’t reach my digestive system, which, when startled, has its own version of Anything Can Happen Thursday.

 Rut? I think you mean consistency. And if we’re going to abandon that, then why even call it Thursday? Let’s call it Quonko Day and divide it into 29 hours of 17 minutes apiece, and celebrate it by sacrificing a goat to the mighty god Ra.

 Last night was Wednesday. Wednesday is comic book night. Tonight, we’ll be going on Thursday, because it’s Anything Can Happen Thursday.

 The one that estimates the odds of making contact with extraterrestrials by calculating the product of an increasingly restrictive series of fractional values such as those stars with planets, and those planets likely to develop life? N equals R times FP times NE times FL times FI times FC times L?

 To the comic book store. You’re probably thinking, the comic book store? On a Thursday? Why, I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole and into a land of madness. What you have failed to take into account, Penny, is that this is Anything Can Happen Thursday.

 I think you mean comic books. Comics are feeble attempts at humour featuring talking babies and anthropomorphized pets found traditionally in the optimistically named funny pages.

 Just pick out anything? Maybe at the same time we can pick out a new suit for him without knowing his size, or pick out his career for him without knowing his aptitude, or pick out a new breakfast cereal without knowing his fibre requirements or his feelings about little marshmallows.

 Amazing Spider-Man, Ultimate Spider-Man, Spectacular Spider-Man, The Marvelous Adventures of Spider-Man, Spider-Man 2099?

 Yeah, provided he has already read Infinite Crisis and 52, and is familiar with the re-establishment of the DC multiverse.

 So, Leonard, how are you enjoying Anything Can Happen Thursday?

 All right. Then is it fair to say that you’re experiencing some sort of emotional turmoil over the events involving Penny earlier this evening?

 A moment ago, when you turned off the TV in the middle of }during the classic Deep Space Nine/Star Trek The Original Series Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode. Would you like some advice?

 Then, this is the perfect time to launch a blog with an interactive comments section.

 Oh, I disagree. Stuart is taller, artistic, self-employed and, most significantly, he gets 45 percent off comic books.

 Vintage doesn’t even begin to describe what we have planned. Tonight, we are playing the classic 1980 interactive text adventure, Zork. It’s the buggy beta version.

 Oh, good, Stuart, I thought I heard your voice. Do you have a moment?

 Well, I’ve spent the last three hours in an online debate in the DC Comics Batman chatroom, and I need your help.

 I am asserting, in the event that Batman’s death proves permanent, that original Robin, Dick Grayson, is the logical successor to the Bat Cowl.

 More wrong? Wrong is an absolute state and not subject to gradation.

 Has to be? Has to be? I hope you’re being deliberately provocative.

 Of course I am. Removing Joe Chill as the killer of Batman’s parents effectively deprived him of his raison d’être.

 No, no, no, no, don’t wake her. She’ll maul you like a rabid wolverine.

 That’s preposterous. I do not resemble C3PO. Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered, I just don’t see it.

 What exactly does that expression mean, friends with benefits? Does he provide her with health insurance?

 I believe it’s my turn, you may begin your questions whenever you’re ready.

 I don’t understand. If you were in a non-emotional relationship then why are you having  what appears be an emotional response?

 You know, I’m given to understand that there is an entire city in Nevada designed specifically to help people like Howard forget their problems. Where  you can replace them with new problems such as alcoholism, gambling addiction and sexually transmitted diseases.

 I’d rather have a blowfly lay eggs and hatch larvae in my auditory canal.

 I’m just in a good mood. While my compatriots are in Las Vegas, I will be enjoying a blissful evening in my personal Fortress of Solitude.

 Do you know, I’m such a good mood, I’m actually finding your tenuous grasp of the English language folksy and charming today.

 That is the intoxicating aroma of Kadhai Paneer, a perfect culinary representation of the freedom this evening holds. Not only is it Indian cuisine, which Koothrappali loathes, it contains a generous helping of peanuts, which would reduce Wolowitz to a wheezing 97 pound blister. And finally, it’s main ingredient is Paneer, a farmer’s cheese which would cause Leonard to render any room uninhabitable within minutes.

 Penny. I realize you are also on your own tonight, so if at some point you find yourself with nothing to do, please do not disturb me.

 Oh, I shall. (Sings Superman theme while searching his pockets.) No!

 You’re the milk thief! Leonard said I was crazy but I knew that carton felt lighter.

 Sure, why not? And after the sun’s down we can all pile in my pick-up and go skinny-dipping down at the creek. ‘Cause today’s the day to stop making sense.

 No, Leonard said nothing, but who knows what goes on over here when he pretends your mail was misdelivered.

 I’m curious about the whole social construct. On its face, the idea of satisfying ones sexual appetite, assuming one is afflicted with such, without emotional entanglement, that seems eminently practical. What I’ve observed, however, is Howard Wolowitz crying like a little girl.

 Are you able to have sex with men without developing an emotional attachment?

 I really have no idea. I don’t particularly excel at reading facial expressions, body language…

 I can’t sleep on your couch. I sleep in a bed. And given it’s dimensions I have no intention of living out E.M. Snickering’s beloved children’s book , The Tall Man From Cornwall.

 There was a tall man from Cornwall whose length exceeded his bed. My body fits on it, but barely upon it, there’s no room for my big Cornish head.

 Twenty feet, twenty light years, it doesn’t matter. It’s in a galaxy far, far away.

 Well, we had dinner, uh, played some games, and then I spent the night. Oh, you’ll be happy to know that I now have a much better understanding of friends with benefits.

 I believe it is. The combination of the Star Trek reference and the play on words involving the double-meaning of the verb to go suggests that Leonard is humorously mocking your efforts in space plumbing.

 Oh, clever! Playing on the use of cardinal numbers as euphemisms for bodily functions.

 You told me it’s mind-blowing, so, my mind is going into it pre-blown. And once a mind is pre-blown, it cannot be re-blown.

 Well, I have and it will knock your socks off! Good luck getting them back on.

 You’re making an assumption. Perhaps the comic book store is on fire, and he needs your assistance.

 We don’t know. And if you don’t answer the phone, we can’t know.

 You have to check your messages, the leaving of a message is one half of a social contract which is completed by the checking of the message. If that contract breaks down then all social contracts break down and we descend into anarchy.

 Do you mean code red the hospital emergency alert, code red the computer worm, or code red the cherry flavoured soft drink from the makers of Mountain Dew?

 I agree. It’s the juxtaposition of the high-tech nature of space exploration against the banality of a malfunctioning toilet that provides the comic fodder here. Check your messages.

 Yeah, I have to say, I thought the toilet humour would get less funny with repetition. Apparently, there is no law of diminishing comedic returns with space poop. (There is a knock on the door)

 For what it’s worth, my mother says that when we deceive for personal gain, we make Jesus cry.

 You’re overestimating the tensile strength of the substructure you’re building.

 If you knew what you were doing, there wouldn’t be a space toilet where my coffee table should be.

 I must say, Howard, I think a detailed letter to MIT describing your current circumstances might entitle you to a refund on your master’s degree.

 I don’t see why I have to worry. My career’s not hanging in the balance. That was a joke. It’s funny, because it’s true.

 I can’t comment without violating our agreement that I don’t criticize your work.

 Perhaps you mean a different thing than I do when you say science.

 You actually had it right in the first place. Once again, you’ve fallen for one of my classic pranks. Bazinga! Well, now here’s a peculiar e-mail. The president of the university wants me to meet him at his office tomorrow morning at 8 a.m.

 It doesn’t say. It must be an emergency. Everyone at the university knows I eat breakfast at eight and move my bowels at 8:20.

 That’s 14 hours away. For the next 840 minutes, I’m effectively one of Heisenberg’s particles, I know where I am or I know how fast I’m going, but I can’t know both. Yet how am I supposed to carry on with this huge annoying thing hovering over my head?

 You, the president of the university, his wife, their sullen teenage daughter. That entire family is fascinated by what time it is and whether people know it.

 He didn’t respond to my e-mail, his phone number is unlisted. Tell me what my other option was.

 Do you remember the grant proposal I submitted to the National Science Foundation to detect slow-moving monopoles at the magnetic North Pole?

 Aw, how nice. Well, a space opened up at the last minute on the NSF expedition to the Arctic Circle.

 Yes. In fact, he was quite enthusiastic. He said, “Frankly, if I could send you tonight, I would.”

 Of course not. I’m a theoretical physicist, a career I chose in no small part because it’s indoors, but if I’m able to detect slow-moving magnetic monopoles there, I will be the scientist to confirm string theory. People will write books about me. Third-graders will create macaroni-art dioramas depicting scenes from my life.

 I’m on the horns of a dilemma. Can you imagine me, Sheldon Cooper, at the North Pole?

 I’m not good with cold, Leonard. How often have we had to leave a movie theatre because I got a headache from drinking the Icee too fast? I can’t go.

 How can you say that? The scientific opportunity of a lifetime presents itself and my best friend says don’t go.

 It wasn’t. His wife set their dogs on me and rendered the question moot.

 I’ll admit that was a concern. But the fact is, I’ll need a support team. And the three of you are my first choice.

 Well, there are others who might be more qualified, but the thought of interviewing them gave me a stomach ache. Now, I know I’m proposing an enormous undertaking, so why don’t you take a few moments to discuss it?

 Excellent. And just an FYI, as I am the expedition’s team leader, protocol dictates that be phrased fine, sir. But don’t worry, there will be a briefing.

 No. This is to train for a three-month expedition to the magnetic North Pole.

 I don’t know how that sentence could possibly confuse you, but to elaborate, I’m going to the Arctic Circle with Leonard, Wolowitz and Koothrappali.

 Is that a yes or a no on the freezer? The woman has the attention span of a gnat.

 Yes, yes, you were busy, you were surprised, all very fascinating. Now where do we stand on the freezer?

 I’m sorry, but at what point do you put this see what you can do plan into action?

 That feels like a bonus question. I’m going to stop here while I’m ahead, but I’ve had a great time.

 Gentlemen, use your imagination. Innovate. Did Han Solo let Luke Skywalker freeze to death on the ice planet of Hoth? No. He cut open a tauntaun and used its internal body heat to warm him up.

 Because in the frigid temperatures in the Arctic, we need to consume at least 5,000 calories a day just to maintain our body weight.

 Way ahead of you, that’s an “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” stick.

 That’s very unlikely, Mrs. Koothrappali. If Raj dies, it’ll be from frostbite, gangrene, acute sunburn or being ripped to shreds by a fifteen hundred pound polar bear.

 Okay, Leonard, I know you’re concerned about disappointing me but I want you to take comfort from the knowledge that my expectations of you are very low.

 Comforting is a part of leadership. It’s not a part I care for, but such is my burden.

 Assuming that’s a valid reason not to go, which it isn’t, how do you know this? Did she say it?

 Oh, that’s clever. Let me see if I understand this correctly. Her missing you is an emotional state you find desirable?

 All right. Well, given that missing you is predicated on you leaving, logic dictates you must leave.

 Leonard, you may be right. It appears that Penny secretly wants you in her life in a very intimate and carnal fashion.

 Of course not. Even in my sleep-deprived state, I’ve managed to pull off another one of my classic pranks. Bazinga!

 All right, men, we begin initial assembly and deployment of the testing equipment starting tomorrow at 0700 hours, but until then, you are all off duty. I suggest you keep the shenanigans to a minimum as medical help is 18 hours away by dogsled.

 I don’t know what Arctic expedition you guys were on, but I thought it was a hoot and a half.

 Mother, I have to go. Yeah, love you. Bye. (To his spot) Hello, old friend. (Sits) Daddy’s home.

 Of course, I can’t mention you in my Nobel acceptance speech, but when I get round to writing my memoirs you can expect a very effusive footnote, and perhaps a signed copy.

 If there’s going to be a theme, I should let you know that I don’t care for luau, toga or under the sea.

 If this is about the night the heat went out, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about.

 So we slept together naked. It was only to keep our core body temperatures from plummeting.

 Did Leonard know about this? Leonard’s my best friend in the world. Surely Leonard didn’t know.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.

 Hello, Penny. I realize you’re currently at the mercy of your primitive biological urges, but as you have an entire lifetime of poor decisions ahead of you, may I interrupt this one?

 Wolowitz has informed me of your grand deception. Do you have anything to say for yourself?

 What’s going on is I was led to believe I was making groundbreaking strides in science, when in fact, I was being fed false data at the hands of Wolowitz, Koothrappali and your furry little boy toy.

 Yes, but the actual results are unsuccessful and I’ve already sent an e-mail to everyone at the university explaining that I have confirmed string theory and forever changed man’s understanding of the universe.

 You’re right, Leonard, it’s not a big deal. All you did was lie to me destroy my dream and humiliate me in front of the whole university. That, FYI, was sarcasm. I, in fact, believe it is a big deal

 About what? Being betrayed by my friends? Spending three months at the North Pole for nothing? And I didn’t even get to go to Comic-Con!

 Really? Did you just have the Nobel Prize in waitressing stolen from you?

 Are you saying that you think a celebration pie is even remotely comparable to a Nobel Prize?

 And on a different, but not unrelated topic, based on your current efforts to buoy my spirits, do you truly believe that you were ever fit to be a cheer leader?

 Because I am without friends. Like the proverbial cheese, I stand alone. Even while seated.

 It’s going to take more than I’m sorry and a store-bought apology pie from Penny to make up for what you’ve done to me.

 You see? People have been pointing and laughing at me all morning.

 All right, I’ve had enough. Attention, everyone. I’ m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. As many of you in the physics department might know, my career trajectory has taken a minor detour.

 But I would like to remind you that in science, there’s no such thing as failure. There once was a man who referred to his prediction of a cosmological constant as the single biggest blunder of his career. That man’s name was, surprise, surprise, Albert Einstein.

 Oh, you think you’re so clever. Well, let me just tell you, while I do not currently have a scathing retort, you check your e-mail periodically for a doozy.

 My objection was based on considerations other than difficulty.

 Thank you for carving a smiley face in my grilled cheese sandwich.

 That was different. They were threatened by my intelligence and too stupid to know that’s why they hated me.

 Howard, you know me to be a very smart man. Don’t you think if I were wrong, I’d know it?

 Perhaps what Leonard is obliquely referring to is the occurrence of some sort of sexual dysfunction.

 Oh, a clever, albeit obsolete, euphemism for insufficient blood flow to the male sex organ.

 Excuse me, Wolverine: Origin. Miniseries issue two, page 22. Retractable bone claws. If you people spent less time thinking about sex and more time concentrating on comic books, we’d have far fewer of these embarrassing moments.

 Why? Why would we change? We had a perfectly good palace. Tandoori Palace is our palace.

 If that’s Morse code, that’s terrible. As I was saying, you and Leonard had a disappointing sexual encounter. Earlier this evening, Leonard characterized it as just fine. So what you’re seeing here is a continuation of the mocking that followed.

 Is this it? It was inappropriate to discuss Leonard and Penny’s sex life in front of Leonard and Penny. (Howard indicates that he has got it.) Oh, good! Now I can eat.

 Hang on. Based on the number of chirps per minute and the ambient temperature in this room, it is a snowy tree cricket.

 In 1890, Emile Dolbear determined that there was a fixed relationship between the number of chirps per minute of the snowy tree cricket and the ambient temperature. A precise relationship that is not present with ordinary field crickets.

 Under the terms of my roommate agreement with Leonard, I’ve had unilateral control of the thermostat ever since the sweaty night of ’06.

 Howard, don’t embarrass yourself, the science chirps for itself. Humorous word play.

 That is a snowy tree cricket. Oecanthus fultoni. I was done with Latin by fifth grade.

 I’ve always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbour’s chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house.

 One at a time. (Same thing happens again. Eventually they leave the apartment. There is a growling noise.) What was that?

 Fine, if you don’t want to proceed, then you forfeit the bet, and I’ll take possession of your Fantastic Four.

 Oh, really? Well, I grew up with an older brother and a very contentious twin sister and I believe I could easily best you in any physical confrontation, be it noogies, swirlies or the classic why are you hitting yourself?

 If I were not being careful, your telling me to be careful would not make me careful.

 Uh-oh, flashlight went out. I need some batteries. Fellas? Hello? It’s really dark down here.

 Hang on. Voilà, the snowy tree cricket, aka Oecanthus fultoni, which is Latin for I’ll suck nothing. Of course I’m joking because the Latin for that is nihil exsorbibo.

 Forgive me. Yiddish was not spoken in east Texas. And if it was, it wasn’t spoken for long.

 He’s a snowy tree cricket, and his name is Jiminy. (They leave) 

 Interesting. You’re afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic. It was a joke. I made it to lessen your discomfort. You’re welcome

 No, no. We’re here, let’s settle this. Professor, can you identify our cricket?

 Old comic books. I lost this to Wolowitz in an ill-considered cricket wager.

 Yes, yes, the disappointing sex. That’s an inexact parallel. You and Leonard can always return to being friends, whereas I can never return to a state in which Wolowitz has not bested me like Mrs. Riley’s chicken.

 Of course I’m right What are the odds I’d be wrong twice in one week?

 I just said that. This conversation has started to circle. Meeting adjourned.

 Oh, you’d like to catch up on the events of the day. All right. Well, there was a half-hour wait at the bank to get into my safe deposit box, I was forced to talk to Penny about your sexual problems, and, oh, yes, in a moment filled with biblical resonance, pride wenteth before my fall, causing my Flash 123 to goeth to Wolowitz.

 Leonard, it astonishes me how you continually fixate on the trivial. I lost a bet to Wolowitz.

 Penny, while I subscribe to the many worlds theory which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that in none of them am I dancing.

 The math would suggest that in a few I’m a clown made of candy. But I don’t dance.

 It’s an iCal download, she can put it right in her phone. And I thought we agreed that you’d have your conjugal visits in her apartment.

 I see. Did her abysmal housekeeping skills finally trump her perkiness?

 That doesn’t seem likely. Her bed’s of sturdy construction. Even the addition

 I’m sure that will happen soon enough. But in the meantime, I still want oatmeal.

 I can’t be impossible. I exist. I believe what you meant to say is, “I give up, he’s improbable.”

 What am I supposed to do, eat French toast on a Monday? Now, that would be impossible.

 Easily calculable, we begin by identifying the set of married couples with unisex names. We then eliminate those unqualified for restaurant work, the aged, the imprisoned and the limbless, for example. Next we look at…

 I’m sorry. Ooh, Penny, it’s as if the Cheesecake Factory is run by witches.

 You said be nice to Penny. I believe offering chocolate to someone falls within the definition of nice.

 There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

 Bazinga! None of you ever see my practical jokes coming, do you?

 There’s just no pleasing you, is there, Leonard? You weren’t happy with my previous approach to dealing with her, so I decided to employ operant conditioning techniques, building on the work of Thorndike and B.F. Skinner. By this time next week, I believe I can have her jumping out of a pool, balancing a beach ball on her nose.

 I’m not suggesting we really make her jump out of a pool. I thought the “bazinga” was implied. I’m just tweaking her personality, sanding off the rough edges if you will.

 Are you saying that I’m forbidden from applying a harmless, scientifically valid protocol that will make our lives better?

 Obviously, waitressing at the Cheesecake Factory is a complex socioeconomic activity, that requires a great deal of analysis and planning. Bazinga! You know, using positive reinforcement techniques, I could train that behaviour out of her in a week.

 If you let me use negative reinforcement, I can get it done before we go to bed.

 No, of course not. We’re talking very mild electric shocks. No tissue damage whatsoever.

 Oh, come on, you can’t tell me that you’re not intrigued about the possibility of building a better girlfriend.

 No, that would be incongruous, I was going to lower the whole voice to a more pleasing register.

 Interesting. Sex works even better than chocolate to modify behaviour. I wonder if anyone else has stumbled on to that.

 Well, the instructions are very clear, don’t feed the gremlins after midnight, don’t get the gremlins wet. How hard is that?

 Yes. Since their relationship became carnal, Penny has upgraded his designated term of endearment, thus distinguishing him from those she calls sweetie, usually in an attempt to soften a thinly-veiled insult.

 I believe it means that the U.S. Government is going to expel him from the country. He could then either return to his native India, emigrate to another country that’s willing to accept him, or wander the high seas as a stateless pirate. Personally, I’d choose pirate.

 Another reason to consider a life of piracy. Even today, I understand that’s an all-male profession.

 And you’ve continued to take the university’s money under false pretences? Highly unethical for an astrophysicist. Although practically mandatory for a pirate.

 Forgive me, as you know, I’m no adept at reading facial cues, but I’m going to take a stab here, you’re either sad or nauseated.

 Not technically. In Hinduism, cattle are thought to be like God.

 Understandable. Your entire life seems to be crumbling around you, and your future appears bleak at best.

 I assumed as much. But never fear. Like the subordinate male protagonist in countless action movies who disappears half way through the second reel, I have returned to save the day. Odd, usually, he’s met by cheers. Anyway, I was thinking about exploring the string theory implications of gamma rays from dark matter annihilations, and it occurred to me that I could benefit…

 I’m sorry, if you didn’t cheer at my entrance, it’s too late to buy into the premise. Anyway, I got some extra money from the head of the department, and raj can come work for me.

 For me. You’re going to have to listen more carefully when you’re on the job.

 I’m impressed, Raj. Those are very cogent and reasonable conditions.

 I’m sorry, I believe you’ve misunderstood. I’m not giving you the job. I’m simply affording you the opportunity to apply for it. Have a seat, we’ll get started with the interview.

 Bazinga! You’ve fallen victim to another one of my classic practical jokes. I’m your boss now. You may want to laugh at that.

 This is not the time for joking. We’re doing serious research, which requires complete and utter focus.

 Of course I understand. And who are you to tell me about outer space?

 There is a fine line between wrong and visionary. Unfortunately you have to be a visionary to see it.

 All right! First of all, Dr. Koothrappali, when I first proposed that you work with me…

 Fine. (Uses hand as an eraser. Then realises his hand is dirty) Oh, lord. Dr. Koothrappali, as your superior, I forbid you from writing on my board!

 Doing what? (Performs finger trick again) All right, you’ve made your point.

 Nevertheless, I didn’t say it. Anyway, I would like you to come back and work for me.

 I can’t. There’s a big dog outside. On the way home, we can start thinking about methods of optimizing the detector for 500 GEV particles.

 Given the cards that have already been played, Penny can only be holding necromancer potions, which are only effective against wraiths and day-walkers, and there are no more of either left to be drawn. The cards remaining in the undrawn stack are four fire weapons, a troll, two ogres and the jewel of Osiris.

 Photographic is a misnomer. I have an eidetic memory, as I’ve told you many times. Most recently last year during lunch on the afternoon of may seventh. You had turkey and complained it was dry.

 June 30th, 2004. Opening day of Spider-man 2 at the AMC Pasadena. They only had red icees, no blue.

 You had left the refreshment stand in order to indulge in your customary preemptive pre-show urination.

 Yes, I’ve moved to a four-napkin system. Lap, hands, face and personal emergencies. If you like, starting tomorrow, I’ll add a guest napkin, but I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do for you today. (Leonard steals a napkin) Good luck. That’s the face napkin.

 I’d imagine you heard any number of things today. When you arrived at work you undoubtedly heard, hello, Raj, how are you, Raj? Given that you’re wearing a new sweater-vest, you may have heard new sweater-vest? And possibly, though far less likely, nice sweater-vest.

 I’m sorry, Raj, but I have no interest in playing a game in which I find no challenge.

 Thank you. You just robbed me of the opportunity to stumble upon the figurine and make the oh-so-satisfying journey from discovery to desire to possession.

 Thank you. You know, I can buy all these things online. I come here for the personal service.

 Excuse me. Are you saying that Wil Wheaton aka Ensign Wesley Crusher on Star Trek:

 You don’t understand. Growing up, I idolized Wil Wheaton? Wesley Crusher had an eidetic memory just like me.

 I was such a fan that in 1995, I travelled ten hours by bus to a sci-fi convention in Jackson, Mississippi, wearing my Star Fleet Academy cadet uniform in order to meet Wil Wheaton and get him to autograph my mint in-package Wesley Crusher action figure.

 My arduous journey, however, was for naught. Although advertised to appear, he did not show up. It was at that moment, I vowed eternal hatred for Wil Wheaton.

 It might also interest you to know that Wil Wheaton currently ranks sixth on my all-time enemies list, right between director Joel Schumacher, who nearly destroyed the Batman movie franchise, and Billy Sparks, who lived down the street from me and put dog poop on the handles of my bicycle.

 In the words of Khan Noonien Singh in the immortal wrath of Khan, he tasks me, he tasks me and I shall have him.

 My enchanted troll bludgeons your screaming harpy with a cursed mace. Game.

 Look at him. Wil Wheaton, my old friend, I have chased you round the moons of Nibia and round the Antares maelstrom and round perdition’s flames!

 So, my path to satisfaction is blocked by lonely Larry and Captain Sweatpants. Very well. They must be destroyed.

 You’re holding two moderate spell cards, a small rock and a potion of Zancor, which will be about as much help as an air conditioner on the ice planet Hoth. Your only move is to play the potion, lose the skirmish, and two moves later, the game.

 The year was 1995, the place, Jackson, Mississippi. Having spent ten hours on a bus, during which I had to twice violate my personal rule against relieving myself on board a moving vehicle, I finally arrived at the fourth annual Dixie-Trek convention only to find that my idol Wil Wheaton decided he had better things to do than to show up and sign my action figure.

 No, no, I understand. Anything happened to my mee-maw, I’d be one inconsolable moon pie. I should clarify that statement by explaining that she calls me moon pie.

 No. I came here to defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who destroyed my dreams. But I can’t defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who loved his mee-maw. Enchanted bunny.

 Excuse me. You’re misusing the word ho. It’s an interjection used to call attention to a destination, not an object, as in, uh, Land, ho! Or, uh, Westward, ho!

 Well, actually, the risk of throat cutting is very low. On the other hand, severe string burn is a real and ever-Present danger.

 I’m sorry, I got bored and drifted off. Where exactly in the interaction did the sucking lie?

 Focus, Leonard, focus! The heat of battle is upon us, the dogs of war are unleashed.

 You’re embarrassing me right now, a grown man worrying about such nonsense when in the middle of flying kites.

 Sorry won’t bring their kites down. Ow! String burn! String burn!

 Well, her actions could be out of concern for your feelings. Perhaps she’s excluded you from these gatherings because she’s scouting for a new mate and doesn’t want to do it in front of you.

 Agreed. Most primates don’t show that sort of discretion. A female bonobo will copulate with a new male in front of the old one without so much as a how do you do?

 I’m sorry, Raj, but the rules of aerial warfare dictate at the fallen kite go to the victor. And without rules, the competition has no meaning. And without meaning, the following would be an empty gesture. (Sings) I have your kite. I have your kite.

 It’s football nomenclature for when a quarterback is tackled behind the line of scrimmage.

 The line of scrimmage is the imaginary transverse line separating the offence from the defence.

 I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas. Pro football, college football, high school football, peewee football, in fact, every form of football except the original, European football, which most Texans believe to be a Commie plot.

 If you’re interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn’t chicken as if it were chicken.

 If you want to blend in with Penny’s friends, I’d think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage.

 That’s exactly what my father said. Come to the games, watch the games, week in and week out from the time I was five until I went off to college. Longest seven years of my life.

 Yeah, yeah. All right, Poindexter, sit down, shut up and listen.

 That’s how my father always began our football conversations. And if you’d like, after the game, I’ll take you outside and teach you how to shoot close enough to a racoon that it craps itself.

 When I have enough to destroy all the human toast on the battlestar known as Galactica. Is that what you’re wearing to watch football at Penny’s?

 Nothing. That, however, appears to be a football cocktail dress.

 Oh, yes. Canine football fans are a common sight in Texas. Cats, however, refuse to wear sporting apparel. My sister found that out the hard way.

 Leonard, wait. Am I correct in assuming that your attempt to be accepted by Penny’s peers is based on your desire to ensure your continuing mating privileges with her?

 Huh. Seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through for intercourse. Don’t you have access to women who will do it for money? By the way, another accepted usage for the term ho.

 Hold on I believe that social convention dictate you not arrive empty-Handed. Would you like to bring some Cylon toast?

 You shouldn’t keep your bread in the refrigerator. Staleness is caused by crystallization of the starch molecules, which occurs faster at cool temperatures.

 You know. Mimesis. An action in which the mimic takes on the properties of a specific object or organism. Mimesis.

 I’m attempting to communicate with you without my meaning becoming apparent to those around you. Let me try again. Have the indigenous fauna accepted you as one of their own? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

 Good. Oh, FYI. After I eat my sandwich, I’m taking Koothrappali’s Patang kite out for a test run. Would you like to get your delta-wing raptor and join me?

 I can see that. I was providing you with an alternative. A courtesy I was never offered in similar circumstances.

 Oh, Research Lab is more than a game. It’s like the slogan says, the physics is theoretical, but the fun is real.

 Oh! Great roll! Now you can demolish your Soviet-style cyclotron and build the large Hadron Collider.

 You’re a natural at this, Penny. And as the first beta testers, you two’ll have quite the edge when we play with Wolowitz and Koothrappali on Sunday.

 Come on, Leonard, if you roll a six, Penny dies horribly in a nuclear meltdown. See what I mean when I say the fun is real?

 You accidentally stare at a helium-argon laser. Lose one turn and a retina.

 Look on the bright side. As the result of Penny’s forfeit, you have become the world’s first winner of Research Lab. Would you like a commemorative snow cone?

 It’s called Scientists. Now, I will name three scientists, then you will put them in order of the size of their contribution to their respective fields. To make this game even more compelling, you must consider only the contribution of the man to the field, not the validity of the field itself. For example, Abu Musa Jabir ibn Hayn made a greater contribution to the discredited field of alchemy than Halbert Vanderplatt made to neurobiology. Okay, ready to have some fun?

 All right, I’ll start with an easy one, um, Isaac Newton, Madame Curie and Niels Bohr.

 I believe my alarm is appropriate, given the situation. The movie starts in 17 minutes, which means we’ll need to make all the lights on Colorado Boulevard, plus skip the concession stand, and preshow urination.

 No, we’re not. We’re standing in the hallway, suffering through an awkward encounter.

 All right, invitation pointlessly offered, invitation declined as expected, everyone’s civil, nobody’s fighting. Have a nice evening.

 Leonard, when that woman moved in three years ago I told you not to talk to her, and now look, we’re going to be late for the movies.

 Stop it, both of you. All this fighting, I might as well be back with my parents! Damn it, George, I told you if you didn’t quit drinkin’ I’d leave you! Well, I guess that makes you a liar, ’cause I’m drunk as hell and you’re still here! Stop yelling! You’re making Sheldon cry! I’ll tell you what’s making Sheldon cry! That I let you name him Sheldon.

 This is a restaurant. It’s lunchtime. I would think, as a waitress, you’d be familiar with the paradigm.

 No, I believe Leonard is waiting for you to come crawling back to him and apologize.

 I assumed that would be your attitude. Hence, my true purpose in coming here.

 I have a few questions. First, I notice that you offer soup and a half-sandwich?

 Where exactly does the half-sandwich come from? Are you giving me half of someone else’s sandwich, or do I have to wait for someone else in the restaurant to order the other half?

 You can’t make a half-sandwich. If it’s not half of a whole sandwich, it’s just a small sandwich.

 Irrelevant. The disruption in your relationship is making my life intolerable.

 All right, let’s assume, ad argumentum, that in this case, Leonard is wrong.

 Considering the number of transgressions you’ve committed that he’s overlooked, don’t you think that, just this once, you could return the favour?

 Were you under the impression that Leonard has no complaints about you?

 Your driving, the plethora of stuffed animals on your bed that stare at him during your amorous activities, your constant tardiness, your singing.

 That’s actually from my list, but Leonard would be a fool if he didn’t agree with it.

 Because, according to him, you’re oversensitive and have a temper.

 I’ve heard that before, but then, the next thing you know I’m hiding in my bedroom, blaring a Richard Feinman lecture while my mom is shouting that Jesus would forgive her if she put ground glass in my dad’s meatloaf, and my dad’s on the roof skeet-shooting her Franklin Mint collectible plates.

 I need to go, but you keep in mind that my sharply worded comments on yelp.com recently took down a local muffin store. (At Penny’s door, knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny..

 (At Penny’s bedroom door, knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny..

 Not surprising. You have no safety mat or adhesive stickers to allow for purchase on a surface with a low coefficient of static friction.

 I have a series of whimsical duck stickers on the bottom of my tub.

 They’re whimsical because ducks have neither the need for, nor the ability to use umbrellas.

 Well, assuming you’re correct that your right humerus is no longer seated in the glenoid socket, I would certainly think so.

 All right. Let it never be said that Sheldon Lee Cooper ignored the pleas of a damsel in distress.

 Well, it does seem rather ironic that for want of 99-cent adhesive ducks, we both might die in a fiery car crash.

 My mother always told me one should wear clean underpants in case one is in an accident.

 That doesn’t mean one won’t be in another, especially if I’m driving.

 Oh. Well, that’s understandable. You may be interested to know that a prohibition against looking is well established in heroic mythology. Uh, Lot and his wife, Perseus and Medusa, Orpheus and Eurydice.

 Yes, and I have logged a considerable number of hours on a simulator.

 One moment. According to my driver’s ed book, a side mirror is properly adjusted when a portion of the is driver’s door handle is visible in the lower right corner. There’s the handle. Oh, no, too far, bringing it back. Optimized. Now, where is the switch to adjust the passenger side mirror?

 Yes. As soon as I adjust my seat. Whee! Oh, dear. I’m going to have to start again.

 That can’t be nothing, the check engine light is on. We need to find a service station.

 All the more reason to consult with a mechanic before it explodes.

 Mr. Spock did not pilot the Enterprise. He was the science officer, and I guarantee you that if he ever saw the Enterprise’s check engine light blinking, he would pull the ship over immediately.

 Oh, oh, red light, release accelerator and slowly apply the brake. Nailed it. While we have a moment, may I ask you a question?

 Why do you have the Chinese character for soup tattooed on your right buttock?

 No, it isn’t. But I suppose it does take courage to demonstrate that kind of commitment to soup.

 Cause of accident, lack of adhesive ducks. Okay, medical history. Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes?

 I’ll put, in progress. Okay, moving to psychiatric disorders, list all major behavioural diagnoses, e.g. depression, anxiety, etcetera.

 Possible Tourette’s. All right, moles, lesions or other skin conditions. Soup tattoo on right buttock.

 I’m sorry. There, there. Everything’s going to be fine. Sheldon’s here.

 That’s a fairly laboured metaphor, but I appreciate the sentiment behind it.

 I see. Now, are we talking date, the social interaction, or date, the dried fruit?

 Oh, good, my turn. Well, this is very exciting and I wanted you to be among the first to know…

 Thank you, Kripke, for depriving me of the opportunity to share my news with my friends.

 Why are you such a stupid head? That is also rhetorical. I’m sorry you had to hear that.

 Yes, they’re interviewing me by phone from my office, regarding the recent so-called discovery of magnetic monopoles in spin-ices. It’s pledge week and they’re trying to goose the ratings with a little controversy.

 Thank you. My mother is very excited. She’s convening her Bible study group to listen in, and then pray for my soul.

 Biologically speaking, Howard is perfectly justified in seeking out the optimum mate for the propagation of his genetic line.

 Now, whether that propagation is in the interest of humanity is, of course, an entirely different question.

 Of course. First, consider an ordinary magnet which has, (the pitch of his voice begins to rise) as even the most uneducated in your audience must know, two poles, (pitch rises further) a north and south pole. If you cut that in half, you have two smaller magnets, each with its own north and south pole.

 A requirement for string theory, or M-theory, if you will, is the existence of such monopoles. I, myself, led an expedition to the Arctic Circle in search of said particles. Kripke, I found the nozzle! I’m going to kill you!

 I was humiliated on national radio. How do you think I’m doing?

 However, on an unrelated topic, I am never getting out of this bed again.

 It’s a simple matter. There are several toxic chemicals that’d be untraceable in an autopsy.

 Oh! How about we put awhoopee cushion on his office chair? He’ll sit down, it’ll sound like he’s flatulent, even though he’s not.

 Mountain Dew. Ah, refreshing. Now, we’re going to combine these chemicals with ordinary dish soap, creating a little exothermic release of oxygen.

 Already taken care of. Observe. This is a live shot of Kripke’s lab via a mini webcam I was able to install, thanks to a dollar bill discreetly placed in the night janitor’s shirt pocket. At the same time, I also secured large quantities of these chemicals above the tiles in the drop ceiling.

 The reaction will be triggered when Kripke reaches the center of the room. Mwah, ha, ha.

 It may be low-tech, but I still maintain the whoopee cushion has comic validity.

 No. It upsets Sheldon when she willy-nilly takes it from the containers without regard for its equitable distribution. This is essentially why you have famine in India.

 Wait, no, that’s a false equivalency. More does not equal merry. If there were 2,000 people in this apartment right now, would we be celebrating? No, we’d be suffocating.

 Oh, sure. And while we’re at it, why don’t we put our hands behind our backs, have an old-fashioned eating contest?

 Yes. Leonard’s work is nearly as amazing as third graders growing lima beans in wet paper towels. (Raj whispers to him) While I appreciate the oh, snap, I’m uncomfortable having your moist breath in my ear.

 It’s not about shoes, is it? I don’t think I could go through that again.

 All right. (To Raj) Go away. I agree, it’s rude, but she asked for privacy.

 A little physics? There’s no such thing. Physics encompasses the entire universe, from quantum particles to supernovas, from spinning electrons to spinning galaxies.

 Can’t you surprise him in some other way? For example, I’m sure he’d be delightfully taken aback if you cleaned your apartment.

 Penny, this would be a massive undertaking, and my time is both limited and valuable.

 Okay, point. What sort of foundation do you have? Did you take any science classes in school?

 Interesting. I suppose if someone could teach sign language to KoKo the gorilla, I could teach you some rudimentary physics.

 Not likely. KoKo learned to understand over 2,000 words, not one of which had anything to do with shoes.

 Come in. Take a seat. Subject has arrived. I’ve extended a friendly casual greeting.

 One moment. Subject appears well-rested and enthusiastic. Apparently, ignorance is bliss. All right, let us begin. Where’s your notebook?

 Tests. Here. It’s college-ruled. I hope that’s not too intimidating.

 You’re welcome. Now, Introduction to Physics. What is physics? Physics comes from the ancient Greek word physika. It’s at this point that you’ll want to start taking notes. Physika means the science of natural things. And it is there, in ancient Greece, that our story begins.

 Hush. If you have questions, raise your hand. It’s a warm summer evening, circa 600 BC, you’ve finished your shopping at the local market, or agora, and you look up at the night sky. There you notice some of the stars seem to move, so you name them planetes, or wanderer. Yes, Penny?

 This is the beginning of a twenty six hundred year journey we’re going to take together from the ancient Greeks through Isaac Newton to Niels Bohr to Erwin Schrodinger to the Dutch researchers that Leonard is currently ripping off.

 Yeah, give or take. As I was saying, it’s a warm summer evening in ancient Greece… Yes, Penny?

 No, Fig Newtons are named after a small town in Massachusetts. Don’t write that down!

 How can you not know? I just told you. Have you suffered a recent blow to the head?

 I’m sorry. (Smiling) Have you suffered a recent blow to the head?

 Really? Of those two explanations, which one seems the most likely?

 There’s no need to get frustrated, people learn at different rates. Unlike objects falling in a vacuum, which…? MA equals MG?

 That’s no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid and it makes me sad.

 All right. Leonard is attempting to learn why sub-atomic particles move the way they do.

 And to answer it, we first must ask ourselves, what is physics?

 Tears seem appropriate. Enlargement of the heart muscle, or hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, is a serious disease which could lead to congestive heart failure.

 No, on the contrary. I found the Grinch to be a relatable, engaging character, and I was really with him right up to the point that he succumbed to social convention and returned the presents and saved Christmas. What a buzz kill that was.

 Excuse me, but the sun is essential for all life on Earth. Frosty is merely a bit of frozen supernatural ephemera in a stolen hat. A crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account.

 Oh, yes. We had a tree, we had a manger, we had an inflatable Santa Claus with plastic reindeer on the front lawn. And to make things even more jolly, there were so many blinking lights on the house they induced neighbourhood-wide seizures.

 I do not. But if you insist on decorating a spider-infested fire hazard in my home I would request that you add this.

 Wait, excuse me, but it’s much more Christmassy than anything you’ve put on the tree.

 December 25, 1642, Julian calendar, Sir Isaac Newton is born. Jesus, on the other hand, was actually born in the summer. His birthday was moved to coincide with a traditional pagan holiday that celebrated the winter solstice with lit fires and slaughtered goats. Which, frankly, sounds like more fun than 12 hours of church with my mother followed by a fruitcake.

 I understand. You dispute Newton’s claim that he invented calculus and you want to put Gottfried Leibniz on the top.

 Well, perhaps when your mother gets here, she’ll talk some sense into you.

 If I can interject here, obviously Leonard is concerned that his mother won’t approve of you as his mate.

 If I can interject again. Leonard comes from a remarkably high-achieving family, who have all chosen high-achieving partners. He probably feels that it’s doubtful that his mother will be overly impressed with his dating a woman whose most significant achievement is memorizing the Cheesecake Factory menu.

 Leonard, I’m no expert on meditation, but if you’re trying to calm yourself down, I believe the word is Om.

 My pleasure. For a non-physicist, you have a remarkable grasp of how electric dipoles in the brain’s water molecules could not possibly form a Bose condensate.

 It’s what we think caused your narcissistic personality disorder. We discussed it at length during our last video chat. Although how we got onto the subject of you is baffling.

 Very well. Shall we switch topics to Isaac Newton v. Gottfried Leibniz?

 What I want is to be departing the Starship Enterprise in a one-man shuttle craft headed to the planetoid I rule known as Sheldon Alpha Five.

 To comfort you, of course. No, that’s not going to work at all, I’ll comfort you from over here. Leonard, what you’re experiencing is a classic Jungian crisis in which the aging individual mourns the loss of the never-to-be realized ideal family unit.

 No, no. The comforting part is that the Germans have a term for what you’re feeling. Weltschmerz. It means the depression that arises from comparing the world as it is to a hypothetical, idealized world.

 Well, the Germans have always been a comforting people. Just remember, Leonard, where your biological family has failed you, you always have me, your surrogate family.

 If it’s any consolation, I’m not happy about it either. Good night.

 Why is Leonard softly banging his head against his bedroom door?

 It is great, isn’t it? We have a wonderful evening ahead of us.

 Oh, yes. I just discovered I don’t have enough room on my hard drive for a Linux partition, so you and I are going to perform a full backup, reinitialize and then reinstall all my operating systems.

 All right. Well, I’m going to perform full backup, reinitialize and then reinstall all my operating systems.

 Well, I understand there are several types of artificial women. Maybe you should look into that.

 I’m sorry, Raj, I have no desire to salute any article of clothing tonight. Much less one that’s linked to race riots in the 1940s.

 I don’t need anything at the Galleria. Do you need anything at the Galleria?

 If outside is so good, why has mankind spent thousands of years trying to perfect inside?

 Let me offer you a compromise. Sometimes when I feel stifled and want a change of scenery, I use my imagination.

 One of my favourite places to visit is the two-dimensional world described in Edwin Abbott’s mathematical fantasy, Flatland.

 You’re only saying that because you haven’t been there. I am now a hexagon in two-dimensional space and can only perceive the edges of other objects.

 Well, you’re in luck, there’s a mixer here in Flatland. Oh, look, there’s a sexually attractive line segment, you should chat her up.

 Tell her you’re a circle, Flatland gals are all hot for circles.

 Thanks for giving me your limited edition Green Lantern lantern.

 They don’t? Well, apparently, these people and I differ greatly on the definition of party.

 Oh, yes. So, the point of this exercise is for you to find someone to copulate with?

 It’s a limited edition Green Lantern lantern. My friend is looking for someone to copulate with.

 I thought your father was a gynaecologist. I’m sorry. (Smiles and nods)

 In brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape my sight.

 It means come in. It’s taking forever to load the new operating system on my computer. I disinfected the kitchen and the bathroom, and now I thought I’d learn Finnish.

 I don’t say anything. I merely offer you a facial expression that suggests you’ve gone insane.

 Yes, exactly, I had a great time. That’s done, I’ve moved on to other things. For example, after I learn Finnish, I’m not going to learn Finnish again.

 Raj, I highly doubt there is any argument you can make, threat you might levy, rhetorical strategy, plea, invocation, supplication, or… vetoomus that you can employ that would convince me to reconsider.

 You know, I had never considered that. Wow, that’s going to completely change my visits there. Well, it’s late.

 Well, I suppose. Come in. I’ll sleep in Leonard’s room. Good night.

 Oh, is it? Look at this. General Tso’s Chicken is no longer listed under specialties. It’s now under chicken.

 So, why is it no longer a specialty? Did the chef lose confidence in the dish or himself? And look over here, shrimp in mobster sauce. What is mobster sauce?

 Perhaps. Perhaps this restaurant’s now a front for organized crime. For all we know, the mobster sauce contains actual chunks of deceased mobsters.

 Oh God, oh God, oh, God! It’s all right. They didn’t take my comic books.

 Right, games. They took Halo 1, Halo 2, Halo 3, Call of Duty 1, Call of Duty 2, Call of Duty 3, Rock Band, Rock Band 2, Final Fantasy 1 thru 9, The Legend of Zelda, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, Super Mario Brothers, Super Mario Galaxy, Mario and Sonic at the Winter Olympics and Ms. Pacman.

 In anticipation of their arrival, I’ve bagged some evidence. One of the thieves had the audacity to quench his thirst while ransacking our home. You should be able to pull some good prints off this. And now, here are my prints so you can rule me out as a suspect.

 I’m sorry, Leonard. It’s too early to discount the possibility of this being an inside job.

 Oh, my goodness. Where do I begin? For instance, my laptop contained four out of the five gedanken experiments necessary for a cogent restatement of the quantum measurement problem.

 Well, they could monitor scientific publications and see if anyone posts such a cogent restatement in the next couple of months. If so, the authors are most likely in possession of my stolen laptop.

 The only thing we can do. Watch TV on our phones until the criminals return and bludgeon us to death in our sleep.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.

 We just had a major crime in the building, and you open the door without asking who it is?

 Oh, as small as Leonard is, I don’t think the two of you’d be comfortable on the couch.

 It’s not what I want, it’s what evolution wants. Human beings are primates. Primates have evolved to live in groups, both for protection and support.

 Good Lord, I could not have made this easier. Hydrogen atom, H, plus pigs minus pea, Higgs. Bow, General Zod trapped in the Phantom Zone. Bow-zone. Pear. Tickle. Pear-tickle. Higgs Boson Particle. How could you not get that?

 (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny!

 What if someone kidnaps me, forces me to record my voice, and then cuts off my thumb?

 Wonderful security system if we’re attacked by a school of tuna.

 Oh! No, she’s right, I don’t need to know what you were doing. Carry on. (Starts to climb back out of window)

 Good thinking. Perhaps I’ll check the perimeter and make some warm milk.

 And you don’t wish to alarm me with any more loud noises, very thoughtful. Warm milk, Penny?

 Our apartment was broken into, our security system tried to kill me, and as a result, I’m leaving Pasadena forever. Tell me how that’s overreacting.

 Oh, if that were only true. Unfortunately, as I’m earthbound for the foreseeable future, I need to find a location that’s more hospitable than the mean streets of Pasadena. Like Enid, Oklahoma. Low crime rate and high-speed Internet connectivity, but no model train shops. Sorry, Enid.

 All right. Boone, North Carolina. Every summer since 1952, Boone has hosted an outdoor amphitheater portrayal of the life and times of its namesake, Dan’l Boone. Sounds like something that would attract the wrong crowd. Penny, you’re from Nebraska, correct?

 I sense you’re making a joke, but Bozeman does have a comedy club called The Loony Bin, so do not forward my mail there.

 They should. It’s one of the first things I plan to bring up upon arrival.

 Please, Penny, as you know, I’m not comfortable with prolonged good-byes and maudlin displays of emotion, so I prepared a short video.

 Thank you, fellow Bozite. And may I say, you are the living embodiment of all the promises made by our lovely town’s Chamber of Commerce. (Man picks up bags and starts running.) Wait! Wait! Excuse me! (At ticket desk) One ticket to Pasadena, California, please.

 I’m attempting to view my work as a fleeting peripheral image so as to engage the superior colliculus of my brain.

 Why else would a person try to engage their superior colliculus?

 Captain Hook’s hand was eaten by a crocodile, not an alligator. If you’re going to mock me, at least get your facts straight.

 You’re right. (Takes whiteboard to window and throws it out. Picks up a new one) It’s a great idea, Leonard. Thank you.

 Unit cell contains two carbon atoms. Interior angle of a hexagon is 120 degrees.

 Pattern is the same as fermions, travels on the pathways, hexagonal, it’s always hexagonal…

 The same thing I’ve been doing for three days. Trying to figure out why electrons behave as if they have no mass when travelling through a graphene sheet.

 I don’t know, two, three days. Not important. I don’t need sleep, I need answers. I need to determine where in this swamp of unbalanced formulas squatteth the toad of truth.

 Size ratio was all wrong. Couldn’t visualize it. Needed bigger carbon atoms.

 Back door has a five-pin tumbler system, single-circuit alarm. Child’s play. You can start sorting protons and neutrons while I build carbon atoms.

 You can try, but you’ll never catch me. (He disappears under the balls)

 No, no, I’m still hopelessly stuck on that, but I figured out how to figure it out.

 When Albert Einstein came up with special relativity, he was working at the patent office.

 Don’t be absurd. That’s in Washington. You know I could never live in a city whose streets are laid out in a wheel-and-spoke pattern. No. I’m going to find a similarly menial job where my basal ganglia are occupied with a routine task, freeing my prefrontal cortex to work quietly in the background on my problem.

 Of course it is. Even talking to you is sufficiently menial that I can feel the proverbial juices starting to flow.

 You’re welcome. Good night to you, too. Oh, by the way, I was watching you sleep for a moment, and I noticed that your snoring seems to be worse when you’re on your back.

 I do. For thousands of years, the lowest classes of the human race have spent their lives labouring to erect monuments under the lash of their betters, until finally they dropped down and became one with the dust through which they trudged. Do you have anything like that?

 Oh, that would be good! Sawing, hammering, eating out of a lunch pail as my working-class fellows and I sit perched precariously on a girder high above the metropolis.

 Senior theoretical particle physicist at CalTech, focusing on M theory, or, in layman’s terms, string theory.

 A reasonable question. I asked myself, what is the most mind-numbing, pedestrian job conceivable, and three answers came to mind, uh, toll booth attendant, an Apple Store genius, and what Penny does. Now, since I don’t like touching other people’s coins, and I refuse to contribute to the devaluation of the word genius, here I am.

 Oh, heavens, no. Since I don’t need to be paid, I didn’t need to be hired. I simply came in, picked up a tray, and started working for the man. Let me get that plate out of your way.

 Is it? Just a moment ago I had a minor epiphany regarding the polymer degradation phenomenon while scraping congealed nachos off a plate. Bernadette, table 10 wants their check.

 You’re right. That is more menial. Hello, I’m Sheldon. I’ll be your server today. I don’t recommend the salmon. I saw it in the kitchen.

 Actually, he might have to. There’s an economic concept known as a positional good in which an object is only valued by the possessor because it’s not possessed by others. The term was coined in 1976 by economist Fred Hirsch to replace the more colloquial, but less precise neener-neener.

 Given that Saint Valentine was a third century Roman priest who was stoned and beheaded, wouldn’t a more appropriate celebration of the evening be taking one’s steady gal to witness a brutal murder?

 Professor Norton, although, God knows why. He hasn’t published anything of note since he won that Nobel Prize.

 This is incredible! I’m so happy, I’m not even going to question their judgment in picking you. I’m just going to run home and start packing.

 Of course, my good friend. Come in. Help me out, which ski hat says après supercollider?

 What? That’s absurd. Penny has no interest in subatomic particle research.

 Sorry? I’ve been dreaming about going to the Large Hadron Collider since I was nine years old.

 Not so fast. You might want to hold off on lighting your rabeliechtli, Penny.

 Rabeliechtli. It means turnip light and refers to a traditional lantern hand-carved from a root vegetable and used to celebrate certain Swiss festivals. Which you will not be celebrating because, A, these festivals occur in the fall, and B, you will not be going to Switzerland.

 Indeed, the roommate agreement. I call your attention to the Friendship Rider in Appendix C, Future Commitments. Number 37, in the event one friend is ever invited to visit the Large Hadron Collider, now under construction in Switzerland, he shall invite the other friend to accompany him.

 I’ve lived up to all my commitments under the agreement. At least once a day I ask how you are, even though I simply don’t care. I no longer stage spontaneous biohazard drills after 10 pm And I abandoned my goal to master Tuvan throat singing.

 All right. This game is called Traitors. I will name three historical figures, you put them in order of the heinousness of their betrayal. Benedict Arnold, Judas, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.

 You’re right. Judas had the decency to hang himself after what he did.

 He owns Fox, and they cancelled Firefly. Hint, he and Darth Vader are tied for number 2.

 I’ve made you breakfast. Juice, coffee, and pancakes in the shape of some of your favorite fictional characters. See, here’s Frodo.

 Yeah, I used coconut shavings to do the hair on his feet. If you need to void your bladder before eating, I can keep them warm with this beret that I thoroughly laundered and pressed into service as a pancake cosy.

 It’s by way of an apology for my recent behaviour. I’ve had some time to reflect and I’ve come to realize that friendship is not an aggregation of written agreements. It’s a result of two people respecting and caring for each other. Butterscotch scone?

 What you’re tasting is respect and affection. And about a pound of Crisco. After you’ve finished breakfast, I thought we could spend the day watching the final season of Babylon 5 with director commentary.

 I do. It fails as drama, science fiction, and it’s hopelessly derivative. But you like it, and you’re my friend.

 Alright, let’s dispense with the friendly banter, I believe you know why I’m here.

 Yes, amusing. Extraordinary intelligence might well appear extraterrestrial to you, but let me be more specific. I believe you know why I’m here in the laundry room.

 Here we have a highly gifted researcher in the field of particle physics whose work has brought him to the precipice of forever changing mankind’s understanding of the universe. AKA me. And here we have a waitress brushing her teeth with her finger. AKA you.

 Please hold all questions to the end of the presentation. This is the Large Hadron Collider at CERN in Switzerland, the product of decades of planning and construction. It is a Mecca for physicists the world over. This is Bath and Body Works on Colorado Boulevard. They sell scented soaps and lotions, some of which contain glitter. Now, let’s see if we can match the individual to the appropriate destination.

 Very well. Enjoy yourself. You’re going to be in the presence of something that I’ve dreamed of seeing for decades. I just hope you’ll be able to appreciate the magnitude of where you are and what it represents.

 Since I rarely hug, I’m relying on your expertise regarding duration.

 Cholermus. It’s a traditional Swiss breakfast dish. I’m preparing my gastrointestinal system for the exotic cuisine of Switzerland.

 Howard, could you lower the lights? I have a short PowerPoint presentation.

 Well then, you leave me no alternative. From this moment forward, we can be roommates, but we will no longer be friends.

 I don’t think you’re fully aware of the ramifications here, Leonard.

 With the friendship clause of our roommate agreement nullified you are no longer entitled to accompany me to go swimming at Bill Gates’ house should I be invited.

 Great. I’ll start packing. In a minute. (Vomits again) Oh, look, it’s the cholermus.

 Not my problem. I just don’t understand how this happened to me. I’m scrupulous about my hygiene. I regularly disinfect my hands, and I avoid contact with other people on general principle.

 Did he finally write a sequel to his autobiography? I’m sure ages 79 through 87 were just action-packed.

 Oh, I don’t want to know that! How can I possibly discuss with Stan Lee the scientific foundations for interstellar flight on a silver surfboard when part of my brain will be scanning his face for signs of contagious skin disease?

 I’ve decided I’m going to have Mr. Lee sign my copy of this month’s Batman.

 Yes, which is why no one else will ask him to sign one, and I will be the possessor of a unique, albeit confusing, artifact, which will set me apart from the hoi polloi of comic book fandom.

 Because most of the things I’m planning to buy haven’t been invented yet.

 I don’t trust banks. I believe that when the robots rise up, ATMs will lead the charge.

 Undoubtedly yet another snide response to my repeated letters complaining that the flags in front of the courthouse are flying in the wrong order. From left to right, it’s supposed to be federal, state, and then city of Pasadena.

 November 16? Penny, that’s the evening you fell in your bathtub and I had to drive you to the emergency room.

 Penny, I have an eidetic memory. Also, that’s a picture of you in the passenger seat holding your dislocated shoulder.

 Okay, then why is a summons for a traffic violation committed in your car, bearing your license plates, coming to me?

 But the only reason I was driving your car was because you were in distress and I was rescuing you.

 I am not guilty. I only have a learner’s permit, Penny was the teacher. When the light turned yellow she said go, go, go, so I went, went, went.

 You don’t need to reimburse me because I’m not paying. On Thursday, I will have my day in court and justice will be done. In fact, I’m going to begin preparing my defence right now.

 Now you see what you’ve done? Because of you, we’re all going to miss Stan Lee.

 Well, you’re my friends. You’ll be standing by my side, supporting me, feeding me legal precedents, and if you had the upper body strength, carrying me out on your shoulders when I’m victorious.

 Are you saying that you will not stand beside me as I plead my case?

 Raj? You’ll be there, won’t you? (Shirt plays “incorrect” quiz sound) All right, then, my so-called friends have forsaken me. So, I guess it’ll just be me and my eyewitness.

 Please try to wear something appropriate. It won’t help my case if the judge is busy trying to read the word Juicy scrawled across your buttocks.

 Wait, hold on. Before we get to the courthouse, I’d like to call on your skills as an actress.

 I’ve taken the liberty of scripting your appearance on the witness stand because, let’s face it, you’re somewhat of a loose cannon. Now, don’t worry, it’s written in your vernacular. So shall we rehearse?

 Well, of course you have a choice. Although we live in a deterministic universe, each individual has free will. Now, sit down. I call your attention to the events of November 16. Do you remember that date?

 There’s no need for compliments, this court is only interested in the facts.

 Only a suggestion. A catch in your throat would work just as well.

 Good morning, Your Honour. Dr. Sheldon Cooper appearing in pro se. That is to say, representing himself.

 And yet you wound up in traffic court. Anyway, if it would please the court, I’d like to begin with an opening statement.

 Very well, a quick opening statement. Like a milking stool, my case rests on three legs. I will demonstrate that I was improperly instructed in driving by a woman whose lack of respect for society borders on the sociopathic. I will argue that the emergency met the legal doctrine of quod est necessarium est licitum, that which is necessary is legal. But first, I will raise a Sixth Amendment issue. I’m unable to confront my accuser, a non-human entity, to wit, a camera. So, to sum up, improper instruction, quod est necessarium est licitum, Sixth Amendment. My milk stool is complete.

 Really? I would point out that I am at the top of my profession, while you preside over the kiddy table of yours.

 I also now have three points on a driver’s licence I do not yet possess, and I was forced to issue an undeserved apology, simply because I refuse to urinate in a stainless steel bowl in front of criminals.

 Well, I hope you’re satisfied, Penny. You are responsible for all the evil that has befallen me today.

 Not finished. It is because of you that I now have a criminal record, and it is because of you that I missed out on having gelato with Stan Lee.

 No, no. I will never have another chance to have gelato with Stan Lee because opportunities to have gelato with Stan Lee come but once in a lifetime. The moving finger writes, and having writ, moves on!

 Oh, Lord, you just rang Stan Lee’s doorbell. At Stan Lee’s house. We’re about to go in and have milk and cookies with Stan Lee.

 I’ll tell you where I’ve been. You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee and gotten autographed comics, but I saw the inside of his house and got an autographed application for a restraining order.

 Plus, I get to hang out with him again at the hearing. This is going to look great hanging next to my restraining order from Leonard Nimoy.

 Well, it’s very simple. In our ragtag band of scientists with nothing to lose, I’m the smart one, Wolowitz is the funny one, and Koothrappali is the lovable foreigner who struggles to understand our ways and fails. That leaves you, by default, as the muscle.

 Of course not. And, technically, magic beans would be food, although eating them would be quite a waste, since you could plant them and overnight have a giant beanstalk, which would provide enough roughage for a small city.

 Who’s Adam West? Leonard, what do the two of you talk about after the coitus?

 No, what’s sad is that you don’t know Adam West was TV’s Batman.

 It’s not Elvish. It’s the language of Mordor written in Elvish script. One Ring to

 Yes, there is. Oh, here’s a fun fact, ketchup started out as a general term for sauce, typically made of, uh, mushrooms or fish brine with herbs and spices. Some popular early main ingredients included blueberry, anchovy, oyster, kidney bean and grape.

 If you’re suggesting that that is the actual ring of power forged by Sauron in Mount Doom, I look at you with an expression of exhaustion and ever so slight amusement.

 Well, yes, but I found it in the box, and the laws of maritime salvage clearly state that the finder of a sunken treasure is the owner of the treasure.

 We can’t sell it. We have to keep it and love it and polish it, and only take it out occasionally when we go to the park and re-enact our favourite scenes from the movies.

 The ring was unguarded, it was just sitting on the table, anyone could have taken it. Proof? I did.

 I found it. The ring is mine. I don’t understand why in this group I never get my way.

  It’s not the first time. I have a twin sister whose assaults began in utero. If only I’d had the presence of mind to reabsorb her, then I’d have a mole with hair in it instead of a tedious yearly Christmas letter.

 You mean this ring? Next time be aware of your surroundings while urinating in a public men’s room.

 I would advise the three of you that resistance is futile. I have endless patience. I once spent two-and-a-half hours on hold with Hewlett-Packard customer service just to complain about their customer service.

 Excellent, excellent. Tire each other out, the ring will be mine. Howard, why don’t you go after Raj’s mother?

 Go ahead. I have no illusions about my mother. She is a kind, loving, religiously fanatical right-wing Texan with a slightly out-of-scale head and a mild Dr. Pepper addiction. Anything you’d like to add?

 Subliminal messaging. I’m going to make you want to pee. Dripping faucets. Leaky gutter. Peeing.

 Wait, just to clarify. When you get to three, do we stand up or do we pee?

 It amazes me how you constantly obsess over fictional details when there are more important things in the real world to worry about. For example, why wasn’t William Shatner in the new Star Trek movie?

 And you want to rub my nose in the fact that my contributions are being overlooked again? I am the William Shatner of theoretical physics. All right, I’ll play. What self-important, preening fraud are they honouring this year?

 I won! This is astonishing. Not that I won the award, no one deserves it more. Actually, I guess I misspoke. It’s not astonishing, more like inevitable. I’m not sure what to do first. Maybe I should call my mother. Wait! I know, I’m going to conduct an interview with myself and post it online.

 Hello? Oh, Chancellor Morton, how are you, sir? Yes, I was expecting your call (aside) three years ago. I see. Wait. What happens if I choose not to give a speech? Uh-huh. And if I don’t want to forfeit the award? Well, you’ve got that tied up in a neat little bow. All right. Thank you. (Hangs up) Problem.

 They expect me to give a speech at the banquet. I can’t give a speech.

 I am perfectly comfortable speaking to small groups. I cannot speak to large crowds.

 Any group big enough to trample me to death. General rule of thumb is 36 adults or 70 children.

 Thank you. Yeah, I’ll bear that in mind if I’m ever nominated for the Hillbilly Peace Prize.

 I was 14 and graduating summa cum laude from college. Summa cum laude is Latin for with highest honours.

 I was valedictorian and expected to give an address. Even now, I can remember that moment when I walked up to the podium and looked out at the crowd. There must have been thousands of people. My heart started pounding in my chest. I began to hyperventilate. My vision became blurry, and before I knew it… oh, dear. (He faints.)

 Oh, I doubt that. I haven’t figured out a way, and I’m much smarter than all of you.

 That’s not exactly a mutation that would get you into Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, but go on. Leonard?

 I see. Well, I assume, since the rest of you have set the bar so low, you’re saving the most impressive contribution for last. Go ahead, Howard. Dazzle me.

 No. The X-Men were named for the X in Charles Xavier. Since I am Sheldon Cooper, you will be my C-Men.

 When I was little, my sister would say to me, close your eyes, you’ll get a surprise, and then she’d punch me.

 Sim City. More specifically, the Sim City I designed, Sheldonopolis.

 Where exactly? Sheldon Square? Sheldon Towers? Sheldon Stadium, home of the Fighting Sheldons?

 Suppose I could run downtown and pick up something at Shel-Mart.

 You know, the nice thing about Shel-Mart is I own it, so I get a 15% discount.

 Look, I didn’t turn a profit last quarter by taking product off the shelves willy-nilly.

 A Godzilla-like monster is approaching the city. I have to get my people to safety. People of Sheldonopolis, this is your mayor. Follow me. If the children can’t run, leave them behind. Oh, the simulated horror! (Sound of door slamming) Raj? Just as I suspected. Meditation is nothing but hokum.

 Don’t you eventually realize you’re just the same stressed out person in a cute top or a fun skirt?

 Hmm. (Cut to Sheldon exiting changing room in a loud check suit). This is pretty sharp.

 Okay. But anything I put on now is only going to suffer in comparison. (Goes into changing room. Comes out in black suit looking terrific.) This is absurd. I look like a clown.

 That’s how you start a psychotherapy session? How am I doing? I was promised a riverboat journey into the jungles of my subconscious. Instead, I get the same question I hear from the lady who slices my bologna at Ralph’s.

 I recently had a dream that I was a giant. But everything around me was to scale, so it all looked normal.

 Ah, the talking cure. Classical Freudian, good choice. If it will help speed things along, uh, my answers to the standard Rorschach ink blot test are A, a bat, B, a bat, C, a bat, and D, my father killing my mother with a hypodermic needle.

 Really, Leonard? You’re just going to try to recycle Adler’s doctrine of the inferiority complex? I could probably get that from the woman at Ralph’s. And she’d let me taste some pieces of cheese for free.

 If someone as damaged as you can find his way to crawl out of bed each morning, I think I can face a simple award ceremony.

 Thanks, shorty,I’ll take it from here. All right, you people ready to have some fun? You have a basic understanding of differential calculus and at least one year of algebraic topology? Well, then here come the jokes. Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side, bazinga! All right, a neutron walks into a bar and asks, how much for a drink? The bartender says, for you, no charge. Hello? I know you’re out there. I can hear you metabolizing oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide. Looks like we have some academic dignitaries in the audience. Dr. Randall from the geology department, only man who’s happy when they take his work for granite. Ba-da cha! I kid the geologists, of course, but it’s only ’cause I have no respect for the field. Let’s get serious for a moment. Why are we all here? ‘Cause we’re scientists. And what do scientists study? The universe. And what’s the universe made of? I am so glad you asked. (Singing) There’s antimony, arsenic, aluminium, selenium, and hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium, and nickel, neodymium,

 All right, people, let’s get down to the math. It is only three dimensional thinking that limits our imagination. Can I take my pants off over my head? Of course not. My body’s in the way. But if we had access to higher dimensions, we could move our pants around our bodies through the fourth dimension and our days of dropping trousers would be over.

 Now, for the astronomers in the audience, get ready to see the dark side of the moon. And here’s Uranus.

 You are ignoring the square-cube law. The giant ant would be crushed under the weight of its own exoskeleton. And for the record, the appropriate ranking of cool modes of transportation is jet pack, hoverboard, transporter, Batmobile, and then giant ant.

 Not literally. But as far back as the 17th century, scientists observed a 33-day fluctuation in men’s hormone levels.

 Rabbits do have a respiratory system that would support great size. And on a side note, they are one of the few mammals whose scrotum is in front of the penis.

 But I sense you’re going to and I don’t want to hear about it. Excuse me.

 Oh, yes. In fact, I’ve prepared some trash talk for the occasion. You bowl like your mama. Unless, of course, she bowls well. In which case, you bowl nothing like her.

 We would indeed. In this particular case, your lack of femininity works to our advantage.

 Well, well, well. If it isn’t Wil Wheaton, the Green Goblin to my Spider-Man, the Pope Paul the fifth to my Galileo, the Internet Explorer to my Firefox.

 I’m the proud owner of Wil Wheaton stinks dot com, dot net, and dot org. What does that tell you?

 Oh, I’m ready. I don’t know if Stuart told you what you’re up against tonight, but before you stands the co-captain of the East Texas Christian Youth Holy Roller Bowling League championship team. Seven to twelve year-old division. Also, Penny’s pretty good.

 A common spare. The Miss Congeniality of the bowling pageant. Before you jump on Twitter to tout your modest accomplishment, watch how it’s really done. I am the ball. My thoughts are its thoughts. Its holes are my holes. (Gets a strike) Yes. Tweet that, Tweety Bird.

 I’ve been familiarizing myself with female emotional crises by studying the comic strip Cathy. When she’s upset, she says Ach and eats ice cream.

 No, we haven’t spoken since your abrupt departure last night caused us to forfeit to Stuart and his dastardly ringer Wil Wheaton.

 And let me tell you sleep did not come easily with Leonard in the next room singing along with Alanis Morrisette.

 The part where I tell you I’ve engineered a rematch with Stuart’s team for tonight.

 You want me to remove him from the team? I’m the captain, I can do that.

 All right! Fence mended, problem swept under the rug. Time to bowl! Yes, I was eavesdropping, there’s a lot at stake here.

 It’s a blindingly clever play on words. By appropriating his character’s name and adding the S, we imply that we we’ll be the crushers of Wesley.

 What? No! Again, it’s not the Wesley Crushers. It’s the Wesley “Crushers.”

 Do you people even hear yourselves? It’s not the Wesley Crushers. It’s not the “Wesley” Crushers. It’s the Wesley “Crushers.”

 Oh, yes. The losers will be publicly humiliated in a fashion to be chosen by the victor. FYI, I plan on having you publish a scientific paper expounding the discredited Velikovsky hypothesis.

 Oh, yes? Well, before I respond, let me ask you a question. Is your mother a good or poor bowler?

 Excuse me. I don’t know who you’re chanting for as I am currently the ball.

 He’s evil. He plays evil mind games. Did he tell you his grandmother died?

 Well, if he does, don’t believe it. He’s not above playing the dead meemaw card.

 Enjoy the accolades now, Wil Wheaton, but like your time on Star Trek: Next Generation, your smug self-satisfaction will be short-lived.

 Wait! Where are you going? Penny, come back! I’ll get you ice cream!

 I think you mean telekinetically. And no, I just wasn’t sure of the proper protocol now that you and Leonard are no longer having coitus.

 Well, we could if it were true. But as you live in the same building, you see each other all the time. The variable which has changed is the coitus.

 Oh, yes. It was a lot of work to accommodate you in my life. I’d hate for that effort to have been in vain.

 Just to be clear do I have to stop saying coitus with everyone or just you?

 Or fornication. Yeah. But that has judgmental overtones, so I’ll hold that in reserve.

 Well, my existence is a continuum, so I’ve been what I am at each point in the implied time period.

 He seems all right. Although he does spend a disturbing amount of time looking at photographs of you and smelling the pillow you slept on. Oh, but now that I think of it, he asked me not to tell you that.

 I’d rather you pretend I didn’t say it. I see you bought Mama Italia marinara spaghetti sauce.

 That’s the sauce my mother uses. She likes cooking Italian because according to her, that’s what the Romans made Jesus eat.

 Will you cut up hot dogs into little chunks and mix them in with the sauce?

 Oh, it’s all right, I do. Oh! You’re in for what my mother calls a real Eye-talian treat. (Enters apartment).

 Is he making any progress? Because I’d like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.

 Well, usually I’m on the team that picks last. Unless there’s a kid in a wheelchair.

 Well, of course I’m hungry. And as I have no plans to eat with any other team, I will consume my tangerine chicken with the appropriate gusto. Mm, mm, mm!

 Certainly. It’s not like I have to moderate my food intake because I’m planning on eating again very shortly. Mm, mm, mm!

 Excuse me, I’m thirsty, so I’m going to go to the refrigerator and get myself a refreshing beverage.

 Ah, I do so love beverages. Now I think I’ll take my after-dinner walk.

 I read a study online that walking after a meal not only aids in digestion, but increases serotonin, and you know me, if there’s one thing I like more than a refreshing beverage, it’s serotonin. Bye-bye.

 Oh. Hello, doggie. Nice doggie. I bet you think you smell hot dogs. Look, a cat!

 Oh, yes. In fact, he said, I’m fine, I don’t care. And he in no way said it in a manner which would lead one to believe that he was covering up feelings of anguish and betrayal.

 Oh, I believe that was something else I wasn’t supposed to mention.

 I’m sorry. I misspoke. What I meant to say was my battery died.

 Do you really think death threats are an appropriate way to begin this conversation? Sometimes your lack of social skills astonishes me.

 We had dinner last night. She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in it. Well, little hot dog. I gave up the other five hot dogs to a real dog. A real, big dog. A hell hound. Tangential to the primary story. How about I circle back to it?

 I told you, she made spaghetti with little hot dogs. I like spaghetti with little hot dogs.

 I didn’t want to upset you. Howard made it very clear that my allegiance should be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money.

 Oh. Well, so the emotional turmoil that’s been keeping me from achieving REM sleep was entirely unjustified?

 Well then as my meemaw would say, looks like we butchered a pig, but nobody wanted bacon.

 And now, as promised, the tangent. Sheldon and the Hell Hound, or How I Lost My Hot Dogs.

 We stayed for the California Adventure water show. It was pure Disney magic.

 That’s what Typhoid Mary said, and clearly, her friends buckled.

 Oh, Leonard, I have something for you. Per our roommate agreement, this is your 24-hour notice that I will be having a non-related female spending two nights in our apartment.

 Of course. Pets are banned under the roommate agreement, with the exception of service animals, such as seeing eye dogs and, one day, cybernetically-enhanced helper monkeys.

 For your information, I’ll be playing host to Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton.

 Yes. And until you acquire a surgical mask, please address your comments to me through a napkin. We’ve been corresponding for years about our mutual interest in gravitational wave signatures of inflatons in the early universe. And now she’s under consideration for a position at our university.

 I didn’t realize I was obligated to share my connection with things you’re a fan of, but very well. You enjoy Canadian bacon. I’ve been to Toronto.

 A, I rarely kid. And B, when I do kid, you will know it by my use of the word bazinga.

 Well, she doesn’t care for hotels. And who can blame her? Windows that don’t open, multi-user linens, keys shaped like credit cards, as if one walks around with unassigned slots in one’s wallet. All right, I believe I have time for one more question. Yes, Raj?

 When I’ve seen two consecutive negative throat cultures spaced 12 hours apart. You know the drill. All right, if you’ll excuse me, I am off to start a prophylactic course of antibiotics.

 Oh, Penny, excellent. I have a question about these maxi pads. Are the wings truly functional or have I fallen victim to marketing hype?

 The stock boy at Walgreens was frustratingly uninformed on the subject.

 I have a lady friend who will be staying with me for a few days.

 I want her to feel at home. I also bought scented soaps, pantyhose, Midol, calcium chews and what is apparently a yogurt specifically designed to regulate the female bowel.

 A word of warning. My guest is a noted physicist and the leading expert on quantum cosmology, so please try to avoid wasting her time with female jibber jabber.

 Shoe sales, hair styles, mud masks, gossip about your friends Brad and Angelina.

 I’m not surprised, considering the way you talk about them behind their backs.

 Oh, good grief. This isn’t about you. Coming! Now listen, one of the great minds of the 21st century is about to play host to one of the other great minds of the 21st century. So pay attention. Years from now, my biographer might ask you about this event.

 I would imagine it is. This is my friend and roommate, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.

 No, she’s my guest. If anyone should offer her anything, it should be me. Elizabeth, can I get you something? Perhaps a feminine hygiene product or a bowel-regulating yogurt?

 Excellent. If the yogurt works, I bought some delightful scented candles.

 From the mind that brought you hi-lo. Let me show you to your room.

 In here, you’ll find emergency provisions. An eight-day supply of food and water, a crossbow, season two of Star Trek: The Original Series on a high-density flash drive.

 Well, there was a misbegotten adventure with a waitress who lives across the hall. It ended as inexplicably as it began. They had very little in common, except for carnal activity. That’s why I acquired these noise-cancelling headphones. If you decide to use them, please clean the ear pieces afterwards with the Wet Wipes you’ll find in the bathroom. They’re in the drawer labelled Wet Wipes.

 Good. I’ll leave you to your night time ablutions. I’ve e-mailed you the morning bathroom schedule. You’ll also find a laminated copy in your welcome packet. It’s on the back of the emergency escape route diagram.

 Oh, let me just get one thing. It’s my backup emergency supply kit. The living room escape route doesn’t pass through here. Now, good night. And if there’s an apocalypse, good luck.

 All right, Elizabeth, the bathroom is yours. The seat is down, and has been sanitized for your protection.

 Ah, so the yogurt didn’t work. I’ll fire off a critical e-mail to the manufacturer.

 Leonard, Penny wants to exploit any residual feelings you have for her in order to get a ride to work.

 Wonderful. Meaningless pleasantries accomplished. Elizabeth, Leonard’s bathroom time is coming up, and believe me, you do not want to follow him.

 Excuse me. I’m uncomfortable with you recommending that Leonard pursue having intercourse with Dr. Plimpton, who I assure you has better things to do.

 The implication being that you somehow tripped and fell into her lady parts?

 Dr. Plimpton, I’d like you to meet my colleagues, Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali

 And of course, you’ve already introduced yourself to Dr. Hofstadter.

 (voice off): Let me point out that two degrees can be the difference between water and steam.

 (voice off): This is the temperature you agreed to in the roommate agreement.

 (voice off): No, you don’t screw the roommate agreement. The roommate agreement screws you.

 (voice off): I don’t have to go to Hell. At 73 degrees, I’m there already!

 I know what I said. I know what you said. I know what my mother said on March 5, 1992. What is the sixth noble gas?

 Correct. You’ve passed the first barrier to roommate-hood. You may enter.

 No, but your ability to perceive their existence is conditional on you passing the second and third barriers.

 This seat is ideally located both in relation to the heat source in the winter and a cross breeze in the summer. It also faces the television at a direct angle allowing me to immerse myself in entertainment or game play without being subjected to conversation. As a result, I’ve placed it in a state of eternal dibs.

 Cathedra mea, regulae meae. That’s Latin for my chair, my rules. Now, you said on the phone that your area of study is physics.

 Doesn’t concern you. You’ll be going to the university every day?

 Last question. In a post-apocalyptic world, which task would you assign the highest priority? Locating a sustainable food source, re-establishing a functioning government, procreating, or preserving the knowledge of mankind?

 That’s correct. FYI, I would have accepted any answer other than procreating. Come, I’ll show you the rest of the apartment.

 The second barrier. Don’t get cocky. This is the bathroom. Are you fairly regular?

 This isn’t going to work if you’re guessing. When do you evacuate your bowels?

 Third barrier passed. You have won the right to see your room. Huzzah!

 Roommates agree that Friday nights shall be reserved for watching Joss Whedon’s brilliant new series Firefly.

 We might as well settle it now, it’s going to be on for years. Initial here. All right, that’s television and movies. Section nine, miscellany. The apartment’s flag is a gold lion rampant on a field of azure.

 Never fly it upside down unless the apartment’s in distress. And next, if either of us ever invents time travel, we agree our first stop will be this meeting today in precisely five seconds.

 I’m just going to keep knocking till you answer. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?

 You asked what I wanted. I wanted to come in. I’m here because you violated our roommate agreement. Specifically, section eight, visitors, subsection C, females, paragraph four, coitus. Roommates shall give each other 12 hours notice of impending coitus.”

 I put you there after you forwarded me a picture of a cat playing the piano, entitled this is funny.

 I assure you, you’ll be sorry you wasted your money on an iPod when Microsoft comes out with theirs.

 They don’t get a vote. It’s one against one. And according to the roommate agreement, all ties will be settled by me.

 Hmm, I’m still not comfortable. Of course. There’s too many people here.

 Oh. Well, in that case, I don’t need my jacket. And for the record, the correct syntax is I’m the guy from whom you’re trying to get away. Oh, yes, this is definitely going to be my spot. (End of flashback.)

 Give me that. (Takes the rocket fuel. Puts it in elevator. Presses button and jumps out.)

 That’s not an apology, simply an acknowledgement that I was right.

 I know that, but with skin as fair as mine, moon burn is a real possibility.

 How on earth can you say dirty sock and relax in the same sentence?

 I wasn’t aware that lunar ranging was her thing. Although, I suppose the retro-reflector left on the moon by Neil Armstrong does qualify as a shiny object.

 I fail to see how a relationship can have the qualities of a geographic location.

 Yes. In 1917, when Albert Einstein established the theoretic foundation for the laser in his paper Zur Quantentheorie der Strahlung, his fondest hope was that the resultant device be bitchin’.

 Well it’s not a great question. How could somebody possibly think we’re going to blow up the moon? That’s a great question.

 All right, let me restate that. It’s very heavy, and I don’t want to.

 When one gets beaten up every other day in school, one of necessity develops a keen sense of hearing. Incidentally, one can get beaten up in school simply by referring to oneself as one. I’m making English muffins. Would you like an English muffin?

 FYI, my noise-cancelling headphones proved ineffective last night.

 As a native Texan, I must say I’ve never heard the phrase yee-haw used in quite that context.

 Oh, God. That I’ve heard on multiple occasions. In what universe is that lightly toasted? This has to be the worst day of my life. Good morning, Leonard.

 She returned to her apartment. I presume to shower and vomit. Not necessarily in that order.

 Are you expecting me to offer an explanation of human behaviour?

 It’s a time of day I invented. It better defines the ambiguous period between afternoon and evening. Preevning. I’m fairly certain it will catch on as it fills a desperate need.

 Well, tomorrow’s Saturday. Saturday night is laundry night, so I’ll be spending the preevning pre-sorting and pre-soaking.

 I would snort in derision and throw my arms in the air, exhausted by your constant tomfoolery.

 Please. Even assuming you could answer any question the way I would, the algorithms used by matchmaking sites are complete hokum.

 Well, most of it is being applied to unravelling the secrets of the universe while the rest of it’s wondering why I’m having this conversation with you.

 He didn’t date. It was pon farr. His blood boiled with mating lust.

 As I will not be engaging in this nonsense, my choice of beverage is moot. But for the record, I only drink hot chocolate in months with an R in them.

 Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I’m sorry to inform you that you have been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey on the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I’m being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.

 Interesting. My mother and I have the same agreement about church.

 Today, it’s a Chinese food retrieval robot. Tomorrow, it travels back in time and tries to kill Sarah Connor.

 You realize, Penny, that the technology that went into this arm will one day make unskilled food servers such as yourself obsolete.

 I wouldn’t say amazing. At best, it’s a modest leap forward from the basic technology that gave us Country Bear Jamboree.

 Yes? (Howard types. The hand puts up two fingers to Sheldon.) Peace?

 All right, everyone pay attention. Yes, I have a friend named Amy Farrah Fowler. Yes, she is female. Yes, we communicate on a daily basis, but no, she is not my girlfriend.

 Well, my work in physics, her work in neurobiology, and most recently, the possibility of our having a child together.

 Amy pointed out that between the two of us, our genetic material has the potential of producing the first in a line of intellectually superior, benign overlords to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow.

 I’m quite aware of the way humans usually reproduce, which is messy, unsanitary, and based on living next to you for three years, involves loud and unnecessary appeals to a deity.

 Yes, exactly. Consequently, if Amy and I choose to bring new life into this world, it will be accomplished clinically, with fertility experts in a lab with petri dishes. Which reminds me, you have broad hips and a certain corn-fed vigour. Is your womb available for rental?

 Oh. I hadn’t considered that. I suppose she will have to have access to our progeny. And you don’t think I can achieve the required intimacy via text messaging?

 Huh. It would appear as if the phone companies have been lying to me.

 If you’re looking for an example of a waste of time, I would refer you to the conversation we’re having right now.

 I’ve decided to take your advice and have arranged to go on a date with Amy Farrah Fowler.

 I did. He said, and I quote, ask Penny, it was her cockamamie idea.

 Actually, I’m paraphrasing. Having been raised in a Christian household, I’m uncomfortable with the language he used. And to be honest, I’m not entirely comfortable with cockamamie.

 So this conversation is as pointless as your door-knocking soliloquy?

 I wish you weren’t wearing flip-flops. It’s dangerous to drive in flip-flops.

 Given your community college education, I encourage you to ask me as many as possible.

 That depends. Does square-dancing with my sister at a Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown count as a date?

 I have a master’s degree and two doctorates. The things I should know, I do know.

 If you know so much, how come I have a date tonight and you have nothing better to do than drive me to it?

 Don’t bother. I’ve wasted many an hour tilting at that particular windmill.

 Big night? The winter solstice is a big night. It’s over 14 hours in Southern California.

 Apparently, a semi-incestuous Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown didn’t count.

 Your characterization of approximately 171 different men as a few.

 Simple extrapolation. In the three years that I’ve known you, you were single for two. During that time, I saw 17 different suitors. If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias and postulate an initial dating age of 15…

 My mistake. Now, assuming the left side of a bell curve peaking around the present, that would bring the total up to 193 men. Plus or minus eight men.

 Based on the number of awkward encounters I’ve had with strange men leaving her apartment in the morning, plus the number of times she’s returned home wearing the same clothes she wore the night before…

 So we multiply 193, minus 21 men before the loss of virginity, so 172 times 0.18 gives us 30.96 sexual partners. Let’s round that up to 31.

 This is an interesting topic. How many sexual encounters have you had?

 I’ll be happy to check the math, but numbers don’t lie, Penny. In any event, now that Amy and I have spent quality time together, I feel much more confident proceeding to the next stage of our relationship.

 Using in vitro fertilization and a surrogate uterus to gift humanity with our progeny.

 Well, it’s not that late. You could still go out and look for number 32. Good night.

 And this is a schematic for a bird-trapping device that will ultimately backfire and cause me physical injury?

 What I’m doing here is trying to determine when I’m going to die.

 My family history factoring in longevity, propensity for disease, et cetera.

 It was Thanksgiving. Uncle Carl said, I think there’s a badger living in our chimney. Hand me that flashlight. Those were the last words he ever spoke to us.

 Not true. The fight or flight instinct is coded genetically. Instead of fleeing, he chose to fight barehanded against a brawny member of the weasel family. Who’s to say that I don’t share that flawed DNA?

 But seriously, even if I disregard the Uncle Carl factor, at best I have 60 years left.

 The earliest estimate of the singularity, when man will be able to transfer his consciousness into machines and achieve immortality.

 You don’t get it, Leonard. I’m going to miss so much, the unified field theory,  cold fusion, the dogapus.

 I was going to. I planned on giving it to myself on my 300th birthday.

 A dogapus can play fetch with eight balls. No one can hate that.

 Not for me. Thursday is now Cruciferous Vegetable Night. Tonight’s selection, brussels sprouts.

 In order to live long enough to fuse my consciousness with cybernetics, I need to change my diet.

 Flattering, but sadly, no. I’m also planning to begin an exercise regimen designed to strengthen my cardiovascular system. AKA jogging.

 Certainly. I’ve run from bullies, dogs, angry chickens, and one particularly persistent P.E. teacher determined to bend me over and give me a scoliosis test.

 That’s an excellent idea. Yeah, if we chat, it will create the illusion of time going faster.

 I have pain radiating from my navel to my lower right abdomen. I’m nauseated and feverish. I believe I may have cholera.

 Well, if it’s not cholera, then based on a quick Internet search, the other explanations in decreasing order of likelihood are Hirschsprung’s Disease, botulism, a 30-foot tapeworm or accidental ingestion of chrysanthemum blossoms.

 It’s part of an unlikely scenario that involves sleepwalking and a 24-hour flower mart with a less-than-vigilant proprietor. Oh, Lord, my belly!

 So this is how it ends, with cruel irony. Just as I make the commitment to preserving my body, I am betrayed by my appendix, a vestigial organ. Do you know the original purpose of the appendix, Leonard?

 Oh, Lord, I think it’s about to burst! (Loud sound of farting) On the other hand, it might have been the Brussels sprouts.

 No, the Flash shirt is because it’s Friday, but it’s nice when things work out. Where’s your heart rate monitor?

 What do you do, you just go out there and gambol about like a bunny?

 Yeah, I’ve been reading up on biomechanics. I think you’ll be surprised at my… Wah! Oh!

 If it makes you feel any better, Thursday is no longer Cruciferous Vegetable Night.

 Coming! (From the bedroom area, a wheeled device consisting of a base, a tee-shirt on a coat hanger, and a computer monitor with Sheldon’s face, appears). Greetings, friends.

 At my age, do you know how I’m statistically most likely to die?

 Until I can transfer my intellect to a more durable container, my body will remain safely ensconced in my bed.

 Section 74.C. The various obligations and duties of the parties in the event one of them becomes a robot.

 Kenya rises to power on the export of rhinoceroses. A Central African power block is formed, colonizing North Africa and Europe. When war breaks out, no one can afford the luxury of a rhino. Kenya withers, Uganda triumphs.

 In a world where a piano is a weapon, not a musical instrument, on what does Scott Joplin play The Maple Leaf Rag?

 You’re in luck, this is an easy one. In a world where mankind is ruled by a giant intelligent beaver, what food is no longer consumed?

 Oh, yes. You should’ve been here for the great Jenga tantrum of 2008.

 I should’ve warned you, one has to navigate a labyrinth of social nonsense before one can be fed here.

 It’s how they lure you in. I believe it’s called bait and switch.

 They can’t function without me. I’m the social glue that holds this little group together. You’re welcome.

 She’s not my girlfriend. She’s a girl and she’s my friend, but there’s no touching or unsanitary exchange of saliva.

 Although, for the record, on one occasion, she licked her thumb to remove raspberry jelly from the corner of my mouth. It’s an action we both regret to this day.

 Oh, I never identified with the rebel alliance. Despite their tendency to build Death Stars, I’ve always been more of an empire man.

 I know what your point is. You’re intimidated by Amy’s intellect. To that I say, buck up.

 May I point out that for eight long months, I suffered in silence as your female companion filled our apartment with her off-key country music caterwauling, the unappetizing spectacle of her grinding a pumice stone against her calloused feet in our living room, and night after night of uninformative TV documentaries about the Jersey Shore.

 Are you suggesting the work of a neurobiologist like Babinski could ever rise to the significance of a physicist like Clarke-Maxwell or Dirac?

 Excuse me, but a grand unified theory, insofar as it explains everything, will ipso facto explain neurobiology.

 That’s the rankest psychologism, and was conclusively revealed as hogwash by Gottlob Frege in the 1890s!

 A breakup would imply she was my girlfriend. She was a girl who was my friend who is now a girl who is not my friend.

 Penny, I assure you, I’m fine. My relationship with Amy was purely intellectual. There were no emotional bonds, the severing of which would cause me any discomfort. The relationship simply outlived its utility, and I’m continuing on with my life as before.

 My apologies. Raj, Howard, I’d like you to meet Dr. Robert Oppenheimer.

 Now, if you’ll excuse me, the father of the atomic bomb wants a saucer of milk.

 Yes. This is Enrico Fermi, Richard Feynman, Edward Teller, Otto Frisch, and Zazzles.

 I was going to name him Herman von Helmholtz, but he’s so zazzy.

 It wasn’t a breakup. A breakup would imply that Amy was my girlfriend.

 You don’t have to sell me on cats, Leonard. I’m already a fan. All right, fellas, who’s in the mood for Fancy Feast? Well, that’s not fancy at all.

 I’d like you to meet Oppenheimer, Frisch, Panofsky, Feynman, Weisskopf…

 I do not agree. Cats make wonderful companions. They don’t argue or question my intellectual authority, and this little guy here, I think you’ll find to be quite zazzy.

 All right, but you’re not fooling me. Whenever you say we have to talk, it means you want me to listen.

 That’s a peculiar conclusion. By any standard, Amy is more similar to me than anyone I’ve ever met.

 Well, whether you see it or not is irrelevant. I can’t see subatomic particles, but nevertheless, they’re there.

 Amy, after consideration, I believe we may have acted rashly. I propose we resume our relationship and attempt to resolve our differences.

 Done. You understand that moving forward, we deal with the fact that my mother does not approve of you?

 Yes, well, if we lived in a world where slow-moving xenon produced light, then you’d be correct. Also, pigs would fly, my derriere would produce cotton candy, and The Phantom Menace would be a timeless classic.

 You’re wrong again. If my superpower were arrogance, my name would be Dr. Arroganto.

 Oh, Lord, will this day never end? As I’ve explained repeatedly to Dr. Koothrappali, whose ability to comprehend the American idiom fails him when it’s convenient, there’s absolutely no money in my budget for additional office furniture.

 Well, you really want to dot the I’s and cross the T’s, don’t you?

 All right, you’ve made your point. A fine prank, very amusing. Now get it out.

 All right, if you’re not going to remove it, I’ll remove it for you.

 Why do you even want this here? Its size is completely disproportionate to its purpose.

 All right, I see what’s going on. This is the opening salvo in what will be an escalating series of juvenile tit-for-tat exchanges. Well titted.

 I’m making hydrogen sulphide and ammonia gas. Just a little experiment in pest control.

 That is apt and amusing. I think I shall share that with Amy Farrah Fowler. She’ll appreciate the witticism.

 Well, the status is as it always was. She’s a girl. She’s a friend. She is not my, please forgive me for doing this, girlfriend.

 Leonard, you are my best friend. I’ve known you for seven years, and I can barely tolerate sitting on the couch with you. Imagine my attitude regarding prolonged physical proximity to Amy Farrah Fowler.

 I have a functioning and satisfying relationship with a female. You have none.

 Jealousy is an ugly green-eyed monster, not unlike the Hulk, who, by the way, also has a girlfriend. In this iteration, Jennifer Connelly, whom you may recall as the girlfriend of Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind, a feel-good romp if there ever was one.

 No point. It’s just one of the things that makes one of the mes chuckle. What makes you chuckle, Leonard?

 Is it because of the conflict that arises from your desperate need to pair-bond with a woman, and the apparent collective decision of all womankind to deny you that opportunity?

 You know, when my grandfather died, and Meemaw was alone, my mom arranged for her to visit a centre three times a week where she could socialize with other lonely people. It’s very nice. They discuss current events, play bridge, get a hot meal.

 It’s not a home. It’s a senior centre.  We’d never put Meemaw in a home!

 Are you still depressed because you’re alone, and no one loves you?

 I want you to know that I’m genuinely concerned about your well-being.

 You’re welcome. But it’s still no reason to have your feet in my spot.

 As per your suggestion, we’re hanging out. Quite frankly, I don’t see what all the hoopla’s about. Go on, Amy.

 Wise decision. You see, Amy, success at a bar is based on classic male attributes such as height, strength, attractiveness, the ability to hold one’s liquor and throw darts, separately or together. Leonard has none of these attributes, right, Leonard?

 Oh! Good point, Amy. Yeah, building on your premise, Leonard could frequent sushi bars, salad bars, oyster bars, the Apple Genius Bar, what are you doing?

 He does it all the time. He’s a cornucopia of social awkwardness.

 Well, I have to void my bladder. It was nice spending this time with you.

 Good night. (Closing laptop, and running down stairs in panic) Leonard, Leonard, Leonard,

 Simple! You want a girlfriend, Amy wants to be someone’s girlfriend. Take her off my hands. I give you my blessing.

 As if one of the plants from Invasion of the Body Snatchers duplicated you in every way, only with an absurd amount of hair gel.

 I’m removing my digital footprint from the Internet so Amy Farrah Fowler can’t find me and compel me to meet her mother.

 Thank you. I’ve also sent Amy a relationship termination notice and changed my cell phone number and e-mail address.

 She’ll get lost. We no longer live at 2311 Los Robles. We now live at 311 Los Robles.

 Oh, no worries, I explained my predicament to our letter carrier. He was sympathetic. His exact words were, Got your back, Jack. Bitches be crazy.

 The only flaw in an otherwise perfect plan. Now, get my back, Jack.

 I don’t know. You’ll have to devise a scenario that plausibly explains my absence, keeping in mind that the key to a good lie lies in the details.

 No misunderstanding. I’ve learned what that request actually means, and I don’t want to be joined to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis.

 Amy Farrah Fowler, that’s the most pragmatic thing anyone has ever said to me.

 I assure you I am quite real and I’m having regular intercourse with your daughter.

 Oh, yes. We’re like wild animals in heat. It’s a wonder neither of us has been hurt.

 Oh, yes, it’s time for me to make love to your daughter’s vagina.

 Agreed. Amy, I find myself wondering if we should actually engage in coitus at least one time in our relationship. Bazinga. Bedtime. Please show yourself out.

 Excuse me. I object. You propose a guessing game, yet you don’t give me enough time to guess. For the record, I was going to say your sister Priya.

 Given that when we met her she was finishing law school and planning an internship at a large Indian car company, it’s actually extremely plausible.

 I always tell people, if you have only one day in Los Angeles, make it a train day.

 The fun starts with brunch at Carney’s in Studio City, a hot dog stand in a converted railroad dining car. Next stop, Travel Town, an outdoor museum featuring 43 railroad engines, cars and other rolling stock from the 1880s to the 1930s. Finally, we’re off to the glitz and glamour of Hollywood for dinner at, that’s right, the Hollywood Carney’s, a hot dog stand in a different converted railroad dining car.

 I’ve found an emulator online that lets you play classic text based computer games from the 1980s.

 Oh yes. It runs on the world’s most powerful graphics chip, imagination.

 Go north. You can’t go that way. Go west. A troll blocks your passage. Okay, fasten your seatbelts, kill troll. With what? With sword. (There is a knock on the door.) You don’t have the sword. Good golly, it’s as if it’s actually happening to me.

 Hit troll with axe. Hit troll with axe. Hit troll with axe. Oh my, this is one tough troll.

 Leonard, I’m trapped in quicksand, the axe is dragging me down.

 Hold on. I have to figure out how to get the bucket, so I can carry the mud past the dragon.

 No. But it’s a shame our society mocks the differently uvulated. Who was at the door?

 That’s unacceptable. We’re supposed to be given written notice.

 Well, what if I spill tomato soup on my shirt and have to come home to change, only to find there’s no water for an enzyme soak.

 I know how to get the bucket! I can turn the axe around and use the handle to reach it. Let’s see. Go north. You are in a forest. Go north. You are in a forest. Go north. You are in a forest. Oh dear, I believe I’m lost. Well, I’ll just have to get a fresh start tomorrow.

 My sympathies. I am no stranger to the crimson scourge that is dermatitis. Can I interest you in a topical steroid from my lotion and unguent collection?

 Very well, I’m sure I can find something that will help you ditch that itch.

 Really? Leonard, there are no heroes when it comes to dermatitis.

 Well, I think I have a nice 2009 AnaMantle HC. It’s usually indicated for acutely inflamed haemorrhoids, but it also goes nicely with non mucosal body parts.

 For shame, Leonard. For shame. And to think I was ready to waste the last of my good haemorrhoid cream on you.

 April 12th, 2005, Bob’s Big Boy, Toluca Lake. Raj had just introduced us to Priya for the first time, and she was enjoying the sweet taste of Hindu rebellion in the form of a Bob’s Super Big Boy hamburger. In order to preserve your friendship, you and Howard made a pinky swear that neither of you would attempt to woo her. I had a patty melt.

 Violation of the roommate agreement, overnight guest notification clause.

 You’re far too short to be Darth Vader. At best you might be a turncoat Ewok.

 Alfred knows that Barbara Gordon is Batgirl. Which I’ve now just told to Batman. See, I can’t keep a secret.

 You’ve asked me to lie on your behalf, and as you know, I am deeply uncomfortable with impromptu dishonest, so I’ve provided you with an iron clad alibi. You couldn’t have spent last night with Priya, because you were with another woman.

 You met her at Pasadena’s most popular Irish watering hole, Lucky Baldwin’s, where Maggie spends her nights tending bar, with a head full of curls and a heart full of dreams.

 And if anyone were to actually call that number they will hear this.

 It’s pretty convincing, huh? And it wasn’t even a real person. And here is the clincher. A lock of Maggie’s flaming auburn hair.

 Well, no-one’s going to run a DNA test on it, Leonard, honestly you over-think everything.

 And I have nothing to contribute to this conversation. Because I too know absolutely nothing about Priya’s preferences in male companionship. And with that, I will re-zip my lip.

 Oh, I’ve heard of that place, isn’t that Pasadena’s favourite Irish watering hole.

 Did you meet anyone interesting there, perhaps a promiscuous redheaded barmaid?

 Don’t listen to him, he’s still light headed from all the Irish whiskey and pickled eggs in his system.

 I believe they engaged in coitus but, more importantly, if Leonard had not abandoned his story, would you have found it plausible?

 May I point out, in a parallel universe, your friends are saying Maggie McGeary, she sounds lovely.

 I think a more amusing violation of Raj’s trust is when Howard convinced him that foreigners give presents to Americans on Thanksgiving.

 Well, excuse me. That was not a betrayal, that was an experiment to determine at what concentration food starts tasting mothy.

 And I’m sorry. But that behaviour is beyond the pale and cannot be tolerated. We are no longer friends.

 Nothing. It was a desperate attempt to introduce an alternate topic of conversation.

 Excuse me. If we’re changing topics, I believe I have first dibs with capybara, a rodent the size of a baby hippo.

 You know, I try very hard to make our lunch hours educational and informative, but your insistence on talking about your own lives stymies me at every turn.

 No, you squandered your time with me, and the moment has now passed. Feast on your disappointment, much as the capybara feasts on its own waste.

 And here is my Justice League membership card. But that doesn’t prove I know Batman.

 Oh. All right. I doubt anyone would risk the stiff penalties for impersonating a federal officer just to ask questions about a minor league engineer with an unresolved Oedipal complex.

 For the record, I truly support the FBI in the mission which is expressed through their motto?

 Correct. Now to business. 18 years ago, I sent the FBI Crime Lab samples from a bag of excrement that had been lit on fire on my front porch for fingerprinting and DNA analysis. Why haven’t I heard back yet?

 That’s of little comfort to a nation attempting to scrape burning feces off its shoes.

 I’m going to answer that with a visual aid. This is my nine-disc complete Lord of the Rings trilogy blu-ray set.  Mr. Wolowitz borrowed it, damaged plastic retention hub number three, and then returned it to me, hoping I wouldn’t notice. Would you characterize that as responsible?

 Very well. Would you be interested in knowing that Mr. Wolowitz once snuck onto my World of Warcraft account and changed the name of a certain level-80 warlock from Sheldor to Smeldor?

 Is there anything else? Where would you like to start? He refuses to pay fines when he’s overdue with books I lend him. He crashed the Mars Rover while attempting to impress a woman. He recommended that I go see the third Matrix movie because it was, and I quote, just as good as the first one. If that’s not irresponsible, I don’t know what is.

 That was actually a poorly chosen example, as it had nothing to do with me.

 I don’t want to. Not that my disinclination to discuss the topic should be interpreted as evidence of Howard Wolowitz’s culpability in the destruction of government property worth millions of dollars.

 Oh, good. I was afraid you were going to fixate on that Mars Rover incident.

 Who knows? I haven’t watched any scary movies recently. I’m no longer obsessing over why the predicted mass of the quantum vacuum has little effect on the expansion of the universe. And it’s been weeks since I took that accidental sip of Red Bull.

 Well, I did mention the Mars Rover incident to that FBI agent and probably cost Howard his security clearance.

 Interesting. So you’re saying my insomnia is caused by a guilty conscience.

 That seems fairly conclusive. (In his bed) No, Gorn, no. That’s where I sit.

 Yes. I’d like to offer a laudatory statement about Howard’s many excellent qualities that I believe will tip the scales back in his favour. Howard Joel Wolowitz. H is for honesty, of which he has much. O’s for outstanding, which he is such. W’s for witty, he’s quick with a joke. A’s for artistic, his ability…

 I don’t understand why you people are picking on my friend, Howard, when there are much more serious security threats to pursue. For instance, when I first met Leonard, he was on the verge of giving away rocket secrets to a North Korean spy, and not one agent ever investigated that.

 No, it’s a different Leonard. He’s Chinese, red hair, six fingers. Good-bye.

 I’m quite familiar with Dr. Tyson. He’s responsible for the demotion of Pluto from planetary status. I liked Pluto. Ergo I do not like you.

 If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a merry Christmas. Think about that, Dr. Tyson.

 Yes, but before you get upset, I want you to know I went to the FBI and retracted my statement.

 No. If anything, I made it worse. In any case, I have been riddled with guilt, which is causing Gorn-infested REM sleep. So, I’m here now to say I’m sorry.

 Yes. I followed the social protocol. I attempted to right the wrong, and when I failed to do so I delivered a heartfelt apology. Now you say apology accepted, and I will offer you a one-time-only high five.

 I have troubles, Penny. I’ve come to pour them out to the sympathetic ear of the local barkeep.

 Ah. Blame President James “Jimmy” Carter. He started America on a path to the metric system but then just gave up. He wonders why he was a one-term president.

 I believe you were about to ask me to choose a cocktail. Fortunately, thanks to computer-savvy alcoholics, there’s an app for that. Let’s see. Harvey Wallbanger. Eh. Sex on the Beach. I hardly think so. Rob Roy, Silk Slipper, Mad Hatter. Ooh! I’ll have a Rosewater Ricky.

 You’ll need pitted, brandied cherries, gin, rosewater, angostura bitters and overproofed rum. Now, first, dust the cherries with sugar, then spray them with a mixture of rum and bitters. Then ignite the rum, caramel…

 All right. To the metric system. (Knocks back drink. Spits it all back into glass.) I can’t taste the cherries.

 To drinking. (Knocks back drink and spits it out again.) Nope. Oh, if only there were some way to force Howard to accept my apology so I could escape this miasma of guilt.

 I see. You’re saying I’m facing Starfleet Academy’s unwinnable command scenario, the Kobayashi Maru.

 Impressive that you know that. It’s hard to believe I’m actually having this conversation with you.

 Kirk beat the Kobayashi Maru by reprogramming the simulator. That’s it.

 No, you can’t reprogram people. To James Tiberius Kirk. (Drinks. Leaves. Comes back and spits it out again.)

 Yes, you are. I’m using neurolinguistic programming to modify your thought patterns.

 Nevertheless, I’ve hurt you, and whether you forgive me or not, I want you to have this.

 No. The cushion is merely symbolic. I’m giving you my spot on the couch.

 No. I love my mother. My feelings for my spot are much greater. It is the singular location in space around which revolves my entire universe. And now it’s yours.

 That’s the work of noted Hollywood costume designer Deborah Nadoolman. She also designed the iconic red and black jacket in Michael Jackson’s Thriller video, which I’ve never viewed in its entirety, as I find zombies dancing in choreographed synchronicity implausible. And also, it’s really scary.

 Because the print they’re showing on Friday has an additional 21 seconds of previously unseen footage.

 Did Leonard? I’m no expert, but I believe what we just heard from Penny was sarcasm. (She indicates it was) Oh, good. I’m eight for 26 this month.

 Another way of saying that is the movie starts at midnight, and it’s already five o’clock. Let’s go.

 What happened to the Leonard Hofstadter who waited in line with me for 14 hours to see the midnight premiere of Star Trek: Nemesis?

 I rest my case. Amy, don’t you agree we should leave now and get in line?

 Wait, now, we don’t know that yet. He isn’t finished. I have a girlfriend and you don’t who?

 Hugh people need to listen to me. It’s time to get in line for the movie. And that’s how you tell a knock-knock joke.

 This is where we could have been if we hadn’t stopped for dinner. This is where we could have been if Koothrappali hadn’t ordered dessert.

 And here’s where we are. The runts in a large litter, unlikely to ever reach the nourishing teats of Indiana Jones.

 Well, if it isn’t Wil Wheaton, the Jar Jar Binks of the Star Trek universe.

 Well, you-sa can go think that at the back of the line. No cuts, no buts, no coconuts.

 This is Indiana Jones, not Star Trek. There should be no value to his pseudo-celebrity here. And even at Star Trek conventions, they only let him in if he helps set up.

 I will not calm down. This affront to justice and decency cannot go unanswered. As Captain Jean-Luc Picard once said, the line must be drawn here! This far, no farther!

 Listen to what Mr. Wil Wheaton is tweeting. Best seats in house for Raiders screening. Suck on that, Sheldon Cooper.

 I believe in knowing my enemy, Leonard. Had Twitter existed at the time, would not General Custer have followed the tweets of Sitting Bull? Would not Lee have followed Grant? Would not Spy have followed Spy? I have more examples, but excuse me. (On phone) Hello. Well, this seems like an odd time to test my cell phone quality, but go on. Test phrases? All right. Imatote. Ulbu. Twad. All together? I’m a total buttwad. Why are you laughing? Hello?

 This is nothing but a blatant abuse of power by a petty functionary. Explain to me why Wil Wheaton and his lackeys get in and we don’t.

 Raiders of the Lost Ark, with 21 additional seconds. If I can’t see it, no one else can see it.

 Trouble is my middle name, Leonard. Actually, it’s Lee, but I prefer Trouble.

 Don’t worry, Wil Wheaton. I was just leaving.  Da-da-da-da, da-da-da!

 As usual, you’re all wrong. The bravest person in the Marvel Universe is the doctor who gives Wolverine his prostate exam.

 Now you just being silly. Wolverine’s never displayed the slightest interest in helping others prevent prostate cancer. (Answering phone) Hello. Yes, the elevator’s out of order you’ll have to use the stairs. Of course you can. Pizza dates back to the 16th century, while the first elevator was not installed until 1852. That means that for over 300 years, people carried pizzas up stairs. Be part of that proud tradition.

 I don’t care for novelty editions of Monopoly. I prefer the classics, regular and Klingon.

 You went out in the hallway, stumbled into an interdimensional portal which brought you 5,000 years into the future, where you took advantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine, and now you’re back to bring us all with you to the year 7010 where we are transported to work at the thinkatorium by telepathically controlled flying dolphins?

 Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. By that standard, Penny is cuckoo for cocoa puffs.

 Leonard, Penny, excellent. I’d like to say I’m very happy that you’re back together, and if I can figure out a way to do so and sound sincere, I will. In the meantime, I’d like to go over some proposed changes to the roommate agreement specifically to address Penny’s annoying personal habits.

 Include me in what? Is there a plot afoot? I’ll have no truck with plots.

 Uh, we don’t discuss anything. Leonard is the signatory to the Roommate Agreement. As such, he bears responsibility for all your infractions and must pay all fines.

 Yes. If Penny’s going to be spending nights here again, you’ll need to set up an escrow account. Sign here.

 I’m going to propose a hypothesis. Last night, Raj accidentally made contact with an alien civilization and has been ordered by the United States government to keep it a secret.

 Well, we could argue about who said what all night long, but to set things back on course, I will propose a new topic of conversation.

 What is the best number? By the way, there’s only one correct answer.

 73 is the 21st prime number. Its mirror, 37, is the 12th, and its mirror, 21, is the product of multiplying, hang on to your hats, seven and three. Eh? Eh? Did I lie?

 Chuck Norris wishes. In binary, 73 is a palindrome, one-zero-zero-one-zero-zero-one which backwards is one-zero-zero-one-zero-zero-one, exactly the same. All Chuck Norris backwards gets you is Sirron Kcuhc.

 Well, you’re the expert. If the correct way to do it is the wrong way, then I yield.

 Are you monitoring your circadian rhythms in order to identify your periods of maximum mental acuity? I did that one summer. Ah, youth.

 I’d be happy to create a chart and participate in a differential diagnosis.

 Interesting. Not body parts that usually team up. What about environmental factors? Describe the scene for me.

 All right, let’s start over. What did you say when Zack walked in?

 All right, I think I have enough to go on. Possible explanations for your symptoms are, in descending order of likelihood, hyperthyroidism, premature menopause, hosting an alien parasite or, and I only include it for the sake of covering absolutely all bases, sexual arousal.

 Are you sure? You said that with the testy bark of an old biddy.

 Hang on. I don’t know that we’ve given the alien parasite hypothesis a fair shake.

 A cross we all must bear. You know, in difficult moments like this, I often turn to a force greater than myself.

 Don’t. It’s terrible. However, in it, we learn that when Spock finds himself drawn off the path of logic by feelings bubbling up from his human half, he suppresses them using the Vulcan mental discipline of Kolinar.

 I hadn’t considered that. Give me a moment. All right, I’ve considered it.

 Oh. As they were incorrectly sliced, you can see how I could mistake them for my sashimi.

 The supermarket was out of my regular fabric softener. If this one under or over-softens, I’ll need time to make things right.

 The alternative would be to think backwards. And that’s just remembering.

 I thought she was a highly evolved creature of pure intellect, like me. But recent events indicate that she may be a slave to her baser urges. Like you.

 Well, I was hoping to avoid this. But I might as well get it over with. Thank you, Penny. I’ll let you know what happens.

 Yes, Infinite Sheldon defeats all other cards and does not violate the rule against homemade cards because I made it at work.

 No, although it’s a question I’ve been pondering since preschool.

 Was the starfish wearing boxer shorts? Because you might have been watching Nickelodeon.

 Oh, that’s easy enough. We’d need a large tank of water, a hoop to jump through, and a bucket of whatever bite-sized treats you find tasty.

 Yeah, Milk Duds, with their self-deprecating name and remarkably mild flavour, are the most apologetic of the boxed candies.

 To that point, it occurs to me that we might have an opportunity to finally snare Best Group Costume if we shore up our weak link, which is clearly Leonard as Superman.

 That’s sad. Let’s ask ourselves, is there anyone we know who would make a more manly and convincing son of Krypton?

 I was thinking specifically of the gentleman over there moving his lips as he enjoys the latest exploits of Betty and Veronica.

 Excuse me, I believe Aquaman uses his telepathic powers to request the fish do their business elsewhere.

 Complete with bulletproof bracelets and lasso of truth. Invisible plane sold separately.

 Amy Farrah Fowler doesn’t believe in wearing costumes. She isn’t the free spirit I am.

 I’m not Sheldon. I’m the Flash. And now I’m going to the Grand Canyon to scream in frustration. I’m back.

 Oh, I hardly think so. The real caped crusader calls his crime-fighting cohorts when he’s running late.

  (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny.

 Don’t worry. Wonder Woman was an Amazon. And Amazons tend to be very beefy gals.

 Obviously, we’re no longer a Justice League. We have no choice but to switch to our Muppet Baby costumes.

 I’m not going to say another word until you people settle down. I’m waiting.

 We’re the Justice League of America. There’s only one thing we can do. Turn around and slowly walk away.

 I won’t say that all senior citizens who can’t master technology should be publicly flogged, but if we made an example of one or two, it might give the others incentive to try harder.

 No. The two achievements are equally surprising and equally admirable, though if pressed, I’d have to give a slight edge to the cat. I’ll save you the pain and nervousness of waiting for the answer. I agree to be part of your project. Congratulations.

 You have so few good ideas, Leonard. And you’re just going to spill the beans in front of an outsider?

 Hardly. Consider this unlikely but very plausible scenario. A young woman alone in the big city. Her ridiculous dream of becoming an actress lies shattered about her.

 Then it hits her. How is she going to survive? I mean, she has no prospects, no marketable skills. And then one day, she meets a group of geniuses and their friend Howard.

 She befriends them, and then lies in wait until they reveal a marketable idea, which she steals and sells to the highest bidder.

 Oh, is it? Well let’s see you come up with an explanation as to why this woman hangs out with us all the time.

 All right, I’ve taken the liberty of drafting these workflow charts which outline our various duties and the path we will follow as we develop our ground-breaking new app.

 A customer service representative with an Indian accent will create the impression we’re a vast enterprise that uses overseas call centres.

 Because the word secretary has fallen into disrepute. FYI, my mother’s birthday is coming up. I’m going to need you to pick up a present.

 Leonard, please, we can talk during our break. We have one coming up at midnight. We’ll need snacks.

 Oh, of course you are. Look at the organizational chart. You’re clearly listed as founder.

 You missed Chief Science Officer, Chairman of the Board, and Head of the Secret Santa Committee.

 All right. All right, I’m not going to argue with you. Sheldon Cooper is nothing if not a team player. Dr. Hofstadter, you have the conn.

 This diagram. I assume you were opening with a joke. It certainly buoyed up this employee’s esprit de corps.

 In that case, may I offer 27 little tweaks to make it slightly less embarrassing?

 Oh, I’m, I’m sorry. I assumed that you wanted candid truth-telling from your employees, but I realize now, you want the mindless nattering of complacent yes-men.

 How about this for the app name? The Surprisingly Helpful Equation-Linked Differential Optimized Numerator.

 All right, fine. If we’re not going to give it a name, can we at least give it a secret code designation?

 Well, but hear me out. The atomic bomb was The Manhattan Project. Windows 95 was originally Project Chicago. For our app, I would humbly suggest Project Nodlehs.

 I call for a vote of no confidence and an immediate change in leadership.

 When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to dissolve the bonds that tie three competent scientists together…

 All right, let’s get right to the vote. Show of hands all those opposed to Leonard and his reign of tyranny.

 Oh. Good morning, shoemaker. I think you’ll be pleased with what the elves were up to last night.

 Well, that speaks volumes, doesn’t it? All right, I suppose I’ll go put on my bus pants.

 They are pants one wears over one’s regular pants when one sits on bus seats that other people have previously sat on. But perhaps from your lofty heights atop the corporate ladder, you’ve lost touch with the struggles of the common man.

 Except you identified me, your best friend, as a gangrenous limb that needed to be severed from the organism and tossed away. The desperate act of a little man with a big Napoleon complex.

 Good morning, Friend Howard. Friend Raj. I see you gentlemen are enjoying beverages. Perhaps they would taste better out of these.

 I’m sorry. I typed that into the label maker, but I just couldn’t press enter. Now down to business. What would it take for you to abandon Leonard and join me in a rival company? Unless, of course, the mugs are sufficient, in which case, welcome aboard.

 I understand. And your loyalty is admirable. But what if I were to up the ante?

 Monogrammed key chains with a built-in laser pointer. No? How about can cosies emblazoned with our university mascot? Go, Beavers. I’ll be back.

 Ah, a combination of all your names. Very clever. I assume Koothranardowitz was taken?

 Oh, well then, by all means, carry on. I wouldn’t want to impede your progress.

 Playing it. I’ve loved the theremin from the first moment I heard the original Star Trek theme. And it’s been killing me that it just sits in my closet, gathering dust.

 That’s all right. I can barely hear you over my theremin. (Leonard pulls out plug) Well, that was a little uncalled for.

 Don’t beat around the bush, Leonard. If you don’t want me here, just say the word, and I’ll leave.

 He wouldn’t drive me to work today. I had to wear my bus pants.

 Is it better than your idea to move to Los Angeles and become a famous actress?

 Oh, Penny, where do I begin? The simple-mindedness of your idea is exceeded only by its crass consumerism and banality.

 I know, it’s baffling. (Singing) Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen.

 You know what I’m going to do? I am going to sit here and just let them stew.

 Of course. He will hear it as an attempt to mend fences, as opposed to the withering condemnation you and I will know it to be.

 Before you begin, let me say again how deeply sorry I am for my earlier behaviour and how much I respect and admire your leadership.

 As a result, you have taken the most important step on the road to success, learning what not to do. Now, let’s start fresh. Howard, we’re going to need some tea.

 Since we come in every Tuesday night at six o’clock and order the same exact thing, and it’s now six oh eight, I believe your question not only answers itself but also stands alongside such other nonsensical queries as who let the dogs out? and, uh, How are they hanging?

 I trust Penny will adhere to the Official California Restaurant Workers’ Solemn Oath of Ethics and Cleanliness.”

 Raj? What are you doing? I don’t think so. You’ve had your allotted six ounces. The first bathroom break isn’t until the Denny’s located near Bakersfield, which is approximately two and half hours away. Remember, people, we’re only as strong as our weakest bladder.

 All right. We have seven people, and two cars. In the lead car, driven by Leonard, will be myself, Amy Farrah Fowler and Penny.

 She made the case that if we break down in the middle of nowhere, your Nebraska backwoods skills and brawny hands will give us the best chance to survive in the wild.

 It’s eleven fifteen. I’m requesting your quarter-hourly location update.

 Copy that, Red Five. Radio contact is sufficient. No need to extend your middle finger.

 Indeed. Nothing sours a friendship more than over-familiarity with someone’s toilet routine.

 That’s not apropos. We’ve already established I’m found in the periodic table.

 Can you guarantee that it won’t happen at any time during the night?

 (Knock, knock, knock) Raj? (Knock, knock, knock) Raj? (Knock, knock, knock) Raj? I need to sleep here tonight.

 Howard is a complete and total ass, Bernadette is in Penny’s bed, Amy bites, and Penny may or may not have coitus with Leonard.

 Excuse me. We’re not taking comments or questions from the audience just yet.

 All right, why don’t we see if we can bring this back to topic.

 All right, if no one’s going to guess, I was spying the aluminium rims on the police car we passed a few miles back.

 Oh, yes, you should have seen those young people. Thirsty for knowledge, drinking in my wisdom. I may have changed a few lives today.

 Oh, tweets about my lecture. Hmm. That’s rather unfair. That’s downright cruel. Plus, insects have six legs. Yeah, I’m not familiar with the acronym KMN.

 Well, I suppose everyone’s entitled to their own opinion. I think I’ll turn in. I didn’t want to teach those poopy heads, anyway.

 Do you realize that teaching is the first thing I’ve failed at since my ill-fated attempt to complete a chin-up in March of 1989?

 Hmm, no. One slip of the hand, and suddenly I’m sitting in the Engineering Department, building doodads with Wolowitz.

 Isn’t that their burden? I’m the one with something interesting to say.

 I sense that you’re trying to slow-walk me to an epiphany. Would you mind very much jumping to it?

 Acting lessons. Interesting. It might help if I could act as though I care about my students and whether or not they learn.

 It has been suggested to me that acting techniques could improve my lecturing, at which, if certain tweets and blogs are to be believed, I suck the big one.

 Oh, I’m sorry, I thought making the transition from actor to acting teacher was the signal that one’s career had reached the end of the road.

 Yes. In preparation for today’s studies, I read Stanislavski’s An Actor Prepares, Stella Adler’s

 Penny, my body and I have a relationship that works best when we maintain a cool, wary distance from each other.

 Why not? It seems like you’re improvising your entire curriculum.

 All right. Yes. I see a sign. It says Camarillo State Mental Hospital.

 It’s the only explanation I can come up with for why you think you sell shoes and yogurt.

 I’m glad you asked. I took the liberty of adapting a Star Trek fan fiction novella I wrote when I was ten into a one-act play.

 It’s the story of a young boy who is transported from the ignorant backwoods of East Texas to the 23rd Century, where his genius is not only appreciated, but celebrated.

 Now, in this pivotal scene, Sheldon’s mother, played by you, argues with an emissary of the United Federation of Planets, Mr. Spock, the role I will bring to life.

 Why would we want to do that? It’s called the comfort zone for a reason.

 East Texas. A warm summer night. A woman, Mary, stands on a porch. In the distance, we hear a lonesome train whistle. Woo-woo. The droning buzz of cicadas. Zzzzzzzzz. A coyote howls at the moon, frightening sensitive young boys everywhere. Aw-aw-aw! Out in the woods, an owl screeches.

 Shelly! Shelly, how many times have I told you not to leave your sciencey stuff out on the porch? Goodness, I’ll never understand that boy. But then again, I’m a religious nut, and my mind is closed to so many things.

 Glory be to Heaven, some sort of creature just manifested out of thin air. George, put down that Pepsi can full of bourbon that ain’t foolin’ no one, and get your shotgun!

 I understand. Oh, Shelly? A man’s here to take you away to the future! Be sure to pack clean underwear.”

 Yes, but he’s going to a better place where he won’t get beat up. So much.

 Oh, Shelly? A man’s here to take you away to the future. Be sure to pack clean underwear.

 Mommy, why are you crying? ‘Cause I’m gonna miss you, Shelly-bean, even though you creep the bejeezus out of me.

 Well I’m sorry. It’s not my fault. I’m just incredibly smart, and everyone around here is dumber than a bag of rocks. Oh, now, don’t you start crying. You get in that spaceship. Mommy’s late for Indian bingo.

 Well-groomed vampires meet in pairs and shave each other. Case closed.

 Perhaps he’s emulating Shakespeare’s Henry V, who dressed as a commoner and mingled among them, to find out how he was being perceived by his subjects. Course, if he’d have read any of the thirteen hundred e-mails I’ve sent him on the subject of his administration, he could have saved himself the trouble.

 That depends, how much longer do you plan on fondling my shoulder?

 It’s not a touch phobia, it’s a germ phobia. If you’d like to go put on a pair of latex gloves,

 Hold on. Just because the nice man is offering you candy, doesn’t mean you should jump into his windowless van. What’s the occasion?

 I don’t care, it’s demeaning. And I refuse to be trotted out and shown off like a prize hog at the Texas State Fair. Which, by the way, is something you don’t want to attend wearing a Star Trek ensign’s uniform.

 Tell him Dr. Cooper feels that the best use of his time is to employ his rare and precious mental faculties to tear the mask off nature and stare at the face of God.

 Unlikely. But make your case. Keeping in mind that your critical attitude is ruining our Saturday night together, and I’m not above minimizing your window.

 Well, that explains those puzzling camel race photos on your Facebook page.

 An entire dinner to talk about your research? Where you going, the drive-thru at Jack in the Box?

 My stature intimidates her, so she’s using you to get to me. Crafty old gal.

 No, that can’t be it. And since you seem to have forgotten, the reason we live together is we’re best friends. And I got your back, Jack.

 You know, it’s a shame, all that work she’s doing to get sober, only to be torn apart and eaten alive.

 No. But we have potatoes, I could make you vodka. It’ll take two weeks.

 Penny, you’re an expert on trading sexual favours for material gain, walk him through this.

 Well, come now, Leonard, this may be your only chance to make a real contribution to science!

 It was a compliment. I believe in giving credit where credit is due.

 Just a few things you may need tonight. There’s, uh, baby oil, condoms and, uh, a little something I procured from the school of pharmacology. They say it is to Viagra as Viagra is to a green M&M.

 Maybe this will overcome your reluctance. I went on the Internet and found a photograph of a 25-year-old Mrs. Latham to get your libido humming. Check out those saddle shoes. Rar!

 Given how much time you spend engaging in pointless self-abuse, you might consider, just this once, using your genitalia to actually accomplish something!

 I’m so proud of you! You sold yourself out like a common streetwalker!

 Smart. Get paid up front. Yeah, I think you have a real knack for gigolo work, Leonard.

 That’s a good idea, get your rest. There are a lot more rich old ladies out there, and Daddy needs a new linear accelerator. And I thought he didn’t learn anything from his relationship with you.

 Leonard, social protocol states when a friend is upset, you offer them a hot beverage, such as tea.

 You heard the man, Leonard. And while you’re at it, I’m upset that we have an unannounced houseguest, so make me cocoa. Point of inquiry, given that Leonard is your secondary friend and Koothrappali is your primary friend, why didn’t you seek refuge under his roof?

 Don’t worry. As your tertiary friend, I am prepared to step in and comfort you.

 No, no. I’ll finish making the tea, while you narcissistically ramble on about whatever’s troubling you.

 Well, just keep in mind that should you ever need a slightly apathetic tertiary friend, I stand at the ready.

 Actually, he can. The Hindu Code of Manu is very clear in these matters. If a woman’s father is not around, the duty of controlling her base desires falls to the closest male member of her family, in this case, Raj. The code also states that if she disobeys, she will be reborn in the womb of a jackal and tormented by diseases. If true, that seems like an awfully large gamble given that the prize is Leonard.

 Priya, if you’re experiencing any tension or awkwardness, it may stem from the fact that Leonard and Penny used to, if I may quote Howard, do the dance with no pants.

 That’s remarkable. If pepperoni were an explosive substance, you could replace German shepherds at our nation’s airports.

 No, no. It’s not an imposition. At this point, in our ecosystem, you are akin to the plover, a small scavenging bird that eats extra food from between the teeth of crocodiles. Please, fly into our open maw, and have at it.

 Given the state of your career, can you really afford to be picky?

 I’m given to understand his mother grounded him for running away.

 Un momento. Oh, for heaven’s sake, now you’re being deliberately stupid. (to Leonard) Where are you going?

 But tonight’s Thursday. On Thursdays, everybody comes over here and has pizza. Or a reasonable facsimile prepared by someone claiming to be Luigi, but who sounds suspiciously like Jackie Chan.

 We could. We could also stop using the letter M, but I think that idea is isguided and oronic.

 Well, no, sir, and do you know why? In a word, tradition. Every Thursday night for the last eight years, you and I and our friends have gathered here in this very spot to break bread covered with cheese and sauce, discuss the issues of the day, and yes, share a laugh or two. But I guess our rich heritage means nothing to you.

 But what if he does? I’ll be obliged to dine on liver and lungs stuffed in a sheep’s stomach. And frankly, blood pudding is essentially the same thing. I don’t know why he’s serving both.

 No, I’ll go to your haggis party. But I’m telling you, this is adness. This is utter and coplete adness.

 Raj’s television. I just realized we’re about to spend an evening watching a plasma screen with a cluster of dead pixels in the upper left-hand corner.

 Oh, Indians making Tex-Mex. Might as well have had the Chinese pizza.

 Excuse me. Before this evening goes any further, we need to decide where everyone is going to sit.

 Yeah, right on, man. Right on. Oh, look, it’s Harry Potter and 98% of The Sorcerer’s Stone.

 Sadly, Penny, this evening, I am the Dark Knight, roaming these mean streets alone. A windbreaker for my cape, and a stern expression for my cowl.

 Excuse me? Isn’t this the point where the world-weary barkeep absentmindedly wipes down the bar and coaxes the woes out of the troubled patron?

 I don’t think your heart’s in it, but since you asked. Apparently, because Leonard is dating Raj’s sister, we’re all forced to hang out at his apartment.

 Indeed. Yeah, at one point, Raj put on reggae music, and his sister took off her shoes. It was like the last days of Caligula. (Phone rings) Oh, I have to get this. Umbrella?

 Yes, I was in a taxi, but the driver didn’t look at all like the photograph on his license, so I leapt out and ran for it.

 Don’t worry. My problems can wait while you two hens finish your clucking.

 Leonard the nucleus? That makes no sense. I’m the whimsical elf that everyone looks to for a good time.

 Yes. Must be killing you wondering who. Fine, I’ll tell you. Stuart from the comic bookstore, Barry Kripke from the university, Penny’s ex-boyfriend Zack and TV’s LeVar Burton.

 Okay. I have guests coming. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave now.

 Patience, patience, Barry. The whaffle… the raffle is the grand finale to an evening-long festival of fun and folly.

 Jacuzzi is a commercial brand. Hot tub is the generic term, i.e., all Jacuzzis are hot tubs, but not all hot tubs are Jacuzzis.

 Of course it did. It’s said that Archimedes, the ancient Greek mathematician, discovered the principle of displacement while taking a bath.

 Forgive me, but I think you’ll find my story is more interesting.

 Better. It has a gold crown. You see, the king wondered how much gold was in it and charged Archimedes with coming up with the solution. Because the crown was irregularly shaped, there was no way to mathematically determine its volume. But, while bathing, Archimedes realized he could immerse the crown and measure the amount the water rose.

 All right, that concludes the getting to know you portion of the evening. Who’s ready to play some vintage video games? And tonight’s selections include ColecoVision’s Smurf Rescue in Gargamel’s Castle, Atari’s Cookie Monster Munch, and for you text adventure aficionados, Zork. Pick me, pick me. I’m fun.

 Then it’s not chili. Real chili has no beans in it, but you’re from a foreign land, so your ignorance is forgiven.

 She’s also a bit of a know-it-all. Mmm. This is good. Whatever it is.

 Howard, if I may interject here with a piece of friendly advice. Is working on magic tricks really how you want to spend your time? Granted, you’re just an engineer, but that doesn’t mean you might not someday build a geegaw or a thingamabob that may get you a thank you in someone else’s Nobel prize acceptance speech.

 It’s not cool. It’s a childish trick designed to confuse and intrigue simpletons. How’d you do it?

 It’s not amazing. All magic tricks are merely a combination of manipulation and misdirection with the occasional dwarf in a box wiggling his feet.

 Well, I don’t care how you did it. I have more important things to think about. Clearly, the cards are marked.

 I do. You just happen to have caught me on a break. Oh, let me see those cards.

 Not knowing is part of the fun. Was that the motto of your community college?

 Oh, oh, please, if I don’t know, you don’t know. That’s axiomatic.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?

 I think I figured out Wolowitz’s magic trick, and I need you to pick a card.

 As you wish. (Cards slide under door) Pick a card, put it back, and prepare to be amazed. (Leonard does not) Did you pick one?

 I’m measuring residual heat levels on the playing cards to determine which one’s been touched. By the way, if you hope to have children, I suggest you switch from briefs to boxers. Your testicles look a tad warm.

 Yes. I’m using their Cray Supercomputer to analyze shuffling patterns.

 And is this my card? Rats! I wonder if Howard used a radioactive tracer. Where am I going to find Uranium-235 this time of night? Come on, Craigslist.

 The wand is called showmanship, and the beep is none of your business. Oh! Excuse me, I’m getting a text message completely unrelated to this magic trick. Oh, look, my dry cleaning’s ready. And your card was the five of spades. Ta-da.

 Apparently, you can’t hack into a government supercomputer and then try to buy uranium without the Department of Homeland Security tattling to your mother.

 Hang on. This time do it with me, so I can make sure there’s no monkey business.

 What didn’t they get? They got my enchanted weapons, my vicious gladiator armour, my wand of untainted power, and all my gold.

 What choice did I have? The mighty Sheldor, level 85 blood elf, hero of the Eastern kingdoms, has been picked clean, like a carcass in the desert sun. Plus, the FBI hung up on me.

 That’s from Avatar, World of Warcraft takes place in Azeroth. Goodness gracious, how are you allowed to carry a gun? Can you at least refer me to a rogue ex-cop?

 You know, one who was drummed off the force because he refused to play by the rules, and now he hires himself out to impose his own brand of rough justice?

 What kind of world do we live in, where a man would take another man’s battle ostrich?

 This act of aggression must be met with swift and cruel ferocity. It is time to cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war.

 Oh! There isn’t enough camomile tea in the world to quell the rage in my heart.

 No. Glenn’s was leather. He was a simple ostrich. Is! Is, I haven’t given up hope.

 That game? Excuse me, Penny, but Doodle Jump is a game. Angry Birds is a game. World of Warcraft is a massively multi-player online role-playing… all right, technically it’s a game.

 Stale pastry is hollow succour to a man who is bereft of ostrich.

 Be ruthless. You tell him if he doesn’t start talking, we’ll register a complaint with his Internet service provider.

 I don’t know if you’ve been following the news, Leonard, but there have been some terrific advancements in the field of torture.

 Fine, we’ll abide by the Geneva Convention. But ask yourself this, in the course of our lives, how much lunch money has been taken from us? How many kites? How many Scooby-Doo Trapper Keepers?

 Of course you did. It was a fun and practical way of organizing your school work. But the bullies took it from us. Well, no more. Tonight, we take back our dignity, our birthright and our pride. What do you say? Who’s with me?

 One moment. (Places a tissue on their hands before adding his own) I’m hell-bent on catching a cyber criminal, not the common cold.

 Sea World is better. It has Shamu, who is literally tons of fun. But for the moment, let’s stay focused on Todd Zarnecki.

 I almost feel sorry for the poor fool, sitting in his split-level suburban ranch, unaware that a vengeful horde is barrelling down the San Diego Freeway at 71 miles an hour. Ease up there, lead foot. You trying to get us killed?

 We are winged fury! Which is still no excuse for going over the posted speed limit.

 No weapon strikes more fear into a man’s heart than a Klingon bat’leth.

 Agreed. Wait till you hear how he dumbs down Werner Heisenberg for the crowd. You may actually believe you’re in a comedy club.

 Fine. In the parlance of the urban music scene, what’s the 4-1-1?

 I believe our nation’s tuna cans are safe. Excuse me. Dr. Greene, question?

 You’ve dedicated your life’s work to educating the general populace about complex scientific ideas.

 Have you ever considered trying to do something useful? Perhaps, reading to the elderly?

 Yeah, but not your books. Something they might enjoy. I kid, of course. Big fan.

 Thank you. My father taught me archery as a child. It’s odd how the activity brings back the smell of Kmart bourbon.

 I know. What an elf I would have made. Whoo, what do you think you’re doing?

 Leonard, the people at Nintendo can only go so far in helping us recreate an actual athletic experience. We have to do our part, too. (Leonard mimes drawing an arrow and stabbing Sheldon with it.) That was uncalled for, but I’ll play along. Ow! I had an unusual experience with Amy last night.

 Yes. I think prolonged exposure to Penny has turned her into a bit of a Gabby Gertie.

 Oh, please, I was just pointing it out. I have no desire to engage in the activity.

 All right, get this. Bernadette is thinking about breaking up with Howard.

 Mm, it’s hard to say. I can only speculate based on the data I collected watching my parents’ marriage implode. In that case, the woman dives into religion, while the man dives into a bottle-blonde bartender who tries to buy my love with action figures. Oop! Out of arrows.

 That’s all. I’ve just been thinking about it. Now, I’m thinking about fractal equations. Now I’m thinking about the origin of the phrase train of thought. Now I’m thinking about trains.

 If you don’t mind, I’d like to stop listening to you and start talking.

 Howard has announced his intention to propose marriage to Bernadette.

 I know. The group consensus is that his proposal will be met with an humiliating, soul-crushing rejection. Everyone was set a-twitter. Although oddly, no one tweeted.

 I’m no stranger to memetic epidemiology. At Johnson Elementary School, the phrase Shelly Cooper’s a smelly pooper spread like wildfire.

 Your meme hypothesis does intrigue me. How might we examine this more closely?

 It’s one of the few forms of interaction with people that I don’t find repellent.

 Look at you, getting me to engage in the social sciences. You’re a vixen, Amy Farrah Fowler.

 Interesting. A friendly sentiment in this country, cruel taunt in the Sudan. It’s a lesson in context.

 Did he mean as if she’d been out in the sun, tending an herb garden without wearing a hat or sunblock?

 Well, we may never know. As my mother would say, the Asians are an inscrutable folk. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.

 I must say, Amy, pretending to have intercourse with you is giving me a great deal of satisfaction.

 Interesting. So it went beyond the mere fact of coitus to a blow by blow, as it were.

 I wish you hadn’t done that. That’s going to make me a chick magnet, and I’m so busy as it is.

 Perhaps your talk of my sexual prowess renewed her faith in love.

 According to the roommate agreement, paragraph nine, subsection B, the right to bathroom privacy is suspended in the event of force majeure. And believe me, I am experiencing a very majeure force.

 Very well. Count the first, on or about the 28th day of April, the accused did knowingly and with malice aforethought deny access to the shared bathroom in a time of emergency, to wit, my back teeth were floating. Count the second, the accused exceeded the agreed upon occupancy of the shower, to wit, one, unless we are under attack by water-soluble aliens.

 Oh, that’s ridiculous. A bathroom emergency is self-explanatory.

 Irrelevant. Leonard doesn’t trim his nose hair. He thinks because he’s short nobody can see up there.

 Yes, and when Franconi’s went out of business, we switched to Graziano’s.

 Thank you. If you think about it, Greek food isn’t that far from italian food. They share a spice palette. And what a civilization is the Greeks. They gave us science, democracy, and little cubes of charred meat that taste like sweat.

 The mean Indian lady tried to make me eat lamb. Congratulations. Pizza night will now be at your apartment. Order one.

 A girls night? Oh, I don’t know if I’m up for an evening talking about rainbows, unicorns and menstrual cramps.

 Really, Amy? Tobacco and alcohol? Need I remind you not a lot of scientific discoveries were made by people having a good time?

 It’s talc. But as that’s a primary ingredient of baby powder, I understand your confusion.

 Other than my mother, my sister and my mee-maw, no. But in the interest of full disclosure, I was once on a bus and had to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to an elderly nun who passed out from heat exhaustion. Every year I get a Christmas card from her, signed with far too many X’s and O’s.

 Thank you. Not necessary. We know everything there is to know about kissing. It requires 34 facial muscles and 112 postural muscles.

 I’m certainly glad no one said they were curious about Aztec human sacrifice.

 No, thank you, but for the record, I’m an excellent dancer. Proficient in the rumba, waltz and cha-cha.

 I don’t see why that’s surprising. I excel at so many things. You’ve had my sourdough bread.

 Against my will. In the South, pre-adolescent children are forced through a process called cotillion, which indoctrinates them with all the social graces and dance skills needed to function in 18th century Vienna.

 Waltz. It’s a social dance from Austria, choreographed to a three-four time signature. (Sings Blue Danube. The taxi driver says something into radio in Korean. The word “waltz” is included. Dispatcher replies also in Korean. Taxi driver sings Blue Danube. Dispatcher says “oh, waltz!” They speak Korean some more. )

 If you’re referring to the beverage, you know I don’t drink. If you’re referring to the hat you don while wearing a nightshirt and holding a candle, I have one.

 Priya has essentially nullified my roommate agreement with Leonard, making life in the apartment very uncomfortable for me.

 I understand the alcohol has stirred up whatever it is that makes girls go wild, but I really need to talk to smart Amy now.

 Well, when challenged, monkeys generally assert their dominance through chasing, assault and a stylized penile display. That’s a little outside my comfort zone.

 Oh, good, you’re up. I’ve written a new and improved roommate agreement that benefits me greatly. I’d like you to sign it.

 Excellent question. Do you remember what happened to the alien, played by talented character actor Frank Gorshin, in the Star Trek episode Let That Be Your Last Battlefield?

 Affirmative. Computer, this is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Activate self-destruct sequence. Code 1-1-A-2-B.

 Unless Leonard signs the new agreement in the next 41 seconds, this computer will send an e-mail to your parents in India saying that you’re in a secret relationship with the whiter-than-marshmallow-fluff Leonard Hofstadter.

 It’s a laptop with a full charge. Honestly, what do you see in him?

 You may have gone to Cambridge, but I’m an honorary graduate of Starfleet academy.

 Ah, memory impairment, the free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle.

 All right. Last night you gave me some excellent advice regarding my problem here at home, you kissed me and then vomited on and off for 40 minutes, following which you passed out on your bathroom floor. I then folded a towel under your head as a pillow, set your oven clock to the correct time because it was driving me crazy, and I left.

 I suggest we treat our relationship as if it were a crashed computer and restore it to the last point we both agree it worked.

 Good news. I finally have a handle on my idea for three-person chess.

 Uh, do you know how I solved the balanced centre combat-area problem? Five words, transitional quadrilateral to triangular tessellation.

 It’s what I do. But wait, there’s more. I also invented two new chess pieces. The serpent, and the old woman.

 When the serpent slithers to an opposing player’s piece, that piece is considered poisoned and will die after two more moves. Ugh.

 Unless, it gets to the old woman in time, in which case she sucks out the poison, turning her into the Grand Empress, a piece combining the power of the knight, queen and serpent.

 And a third person. It’s three-person chess. I must say, ever since you started having regular intercourse, your mind has lost its keen edge. You should reflect on that.

 Yes, and he never unified gravity with the other forces. If he hadn’t been such a hound dog, we’d all have time machines.

 Red is angry, yellow is frightened, green is jealous and blue is depressed. Perhaps we can assign a colour to lonely.

 All right. Come in. You look positively orange with loneliness. No, I don’t see that catching on at all.

 Then as a mental exercise I invite you to figure out why the two of us can’t play three-person chess. Can you believe this guy? Social protocol does, however, require me to bring you a hot beverage in your time of need.

 Actually, I was wondering if I could add a third new chess piece. How do you think people would feel about Prince Joey, the king’s feeble-minded but well-meaning cousin?

 The fun thing about Prince Joey is every time he moves, there’s a one-in-five chance he’ll kill himself.

 Rajesh, I’ve had the privilege of working alongside you for many years. My recommendation is that you gobble these up like Tic Tacs.

 Oh, there’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.

 When it’s done charging. Or you land on the time machine. Obviously.

 I’m sorry, do I really need to connect the dots for you? The backwash into this glass is every pathogen that calls your mouth home, sweet home. Not to mention the visitors who arrive on the dancing tongue of your subtropical girlfriend.

 Yes, I’d like a seven-day course of penicillin, some, uh, syrup of ipecac, to induce vomiting, and a mint.

 He drank from Leonard’s glass. Words they’ll be carving into my tombstone.

 To the bar, to sterilize my mouth with alcohol. Gang way! Dead man walking!

 Could you please play the game without commenting on every card?

 Oh, other than waiting out the exponential growth period of the virulent organisms trooping through my microvilli into my circulatory system, hunky-dory. (Penny laughs) Did I say something amusing?

 So your mirth is merely a discharge of nervous energy with no semantic content at all?

 Is there a station coming up where I can board your giggling train of thought?

 Oh, I’m working on time-dependent backgrounds in string theory, specifically quantum field theory in D-dimensional de Sitter space.

 Interesting, do you know where the phrase jibber-jabber comes from?

 Not all germs. Just the ones that will kill me. It’s the same way I’m not afraid of all steak knives, just the ones that might be plunged in my thorax.

 Fine, I’ll go. Just for the record, my Aunt Ruth died in a hospital. She went in to visit my Uncle Roger, caught something and bit the dust a week later. The two of them now share a coffee can on my mother’s mantel.

 A heart-attack-like event is an event that’s like a heart attack.

 Regardless, coronary problems are eminently treatable. What’s more likely going to kill Howard’s mother are the antibiotic-resistant super-bugs festering in every nook and cranny of this hospital.

 Howard, I have to go to the bathroom and no one will take me home.

 Pneumococcus, streptococcus, staphylococcus and other assorted coccuses.

 Will you at least go with me to the restroom here, so you can open the door and flush the urinal?

 This might be a good time to point out, Howard, that friendship requires a certain give and take. Hold the door!

 Not quite accurate. The Macy’s balloons are filled with helium, whereas Leonard produces copious amounts of methane.

 It wouldn’help. The human body is capable of being flatulent for hours after death.

 Bernadette, before you change the subject, does anyone have any final comments on Leonard’s faulty digestive system?

 Unless he takes Bernadette’s last name. And considering her advanced status, that could open some doors for him.

 Your doctorate is in neurobiology. I fail to see the distinction.

 It’s a little stiff. What a remarkably fragile structure to support such a valuable payload. Not unlike balancing a Faberge egg on a Pixie Stick.

 I’d like to respond to that sarcastically. Yes, I relish the thought of a stranger covering my body with oil and rubbing it.

 Oh, dear Lord, yes, yes, oh, yes! Amy, I’ve never been touched like this before! Oh! Oh, my hands are magic!

 I can see how that would be upsetting. Come in. I’ll get the sheets and blankets for the couch.

 All right. This is a form indemnifying me from your use of Leonard’s bedroom. Sign here, indicating that I tried to stop you and did so using a stern facial expression.

 Wait. Not yet. We still have to go over safety procedures. Now, the apartment has three emergency exits located here, here, and here. In the event of a power outage, luminous paint will guide you to the nearest exit.

 Good news, Raj. I got the blood work back from the lab. You’re okay to stay for a while.

 Not important. Your sugar was a little high. I’d follow up with your regular physician. In the meantime, I have some paperwork here for you to go over.

 Boilerplate stuff. A modified roommate agreement for a temporary house guest. And a living will and durable power of attorney.

 As your friend, let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. Please sign.

 Congratulations and welcome temporarily aboard. Here’s your I.D. Card, your key and your lapel pin. Which Leonard was too cool to wear. FYI, part of your responsibilities as roommate pro tem will be to drive me to and from work, the comic book store, the barbershop and the park for one hour every other Sunday for fresh air.

 Also, you’re tasked with bringing home all takeout dinners. Tonight is Thai food. You’ll find the standard order in appendix B or downloadable from my FTP server. If you have any questions, here’s the FAQ sheet, or if you prefer the human touch, I do a live web chat called Apartment Talk on Tuesday nights.

 Remarkable. I’m just realizing how much Leonard’s been skating by all these years.

 My new roommate is bending over backwards to ingratiate himself to me. (Pointing to lapel badge) Uh, nice touch, by the way.

 The same thing that happened to Homo Erectus. He was replaced by a superior species.

 You’re living here provisionally. But I must say it’s looking good.

 Man is not the only species that ferments fruit in order to become intoxicated. Can you guess what the other is? Hint, sometimes they pack the alcohol in their trunks.

 Mmm, all right. It would appear as if alcohol is playing keep-away with your intelligence. Good night. Please note, it is now past ten p.m. Per our roommate agreement, kindly refrain from raucous laughter, clinking of glasses, and celebratory gunfire.

 Irrelevant. Rajesh and I have a good thing going and you’re not going to ruin it. (Knock on door) What are you doing here?

 Penny’s brain teaser this morning. She and Koothrappali emerge from your bedroom. She is dishevelled, and Raj is dressed only in a sheet. The sole clue, it’s not what it looks like.

 If I could, I would, but I can’t, so I shan’t. Now, knowing Penny, the obvious answer is, they engaged in coitus. But, since that’s what it looked like, we can rule that out. Let’s put on our thinking cap, shall we? (Mimes doing so) Raj is from India, a tropical country. Third World hygiene. Parasitic infections are common, such as pinworms. Mm-hmm. The procedure for diagnosing pinworms is to wait until the subject is asleep, and the worms crawl out of the rectum for air. (Leonard spits out food) Yes, just like that. Penny could have been inspecting Raj’s anal region for parasites. Oh, boy. That’s a true blue friend.

 No, you weren’t listening. She said, it’s not what it looks like.

 Hey. Leonard, is it awkward for you knowing that one of your dear friends had sexual intercourse with a woman you used to love in the very place you lay your head?

 That sounds like sarcasm, but I’m going to disregard it, because I have an agenda. Paintball. Specifically, the interdepartmental tournament this weekend. Now, in order to function better as a fighting unit, I thought we should establish a chain of command. Now, it goes without saying that I would outrank the three of you, but the question remains, by how much? Now, I don’t see me as some four-star general, back at HQ riding a desk and playing golf with the Secretary of Defence. But I also can’t be Sergeant Cooper, because that might lead you to think of me as just a regular Joe. This might take some thought. As you were.

 Gentlemen, if I may interject, I’ve decided my rank will be captain. If it’s good enough for Kirk, Crunch and Kangaroo, it’s good enough for me.

 For the record, I do have genitals. They’re functional and aesthetically pleasing.

 Who said that? Leonard, I can hear your voice, but I can’t see you.

 Oh, there you are. Leonard, I know you’re upset about recent events, and I have someone here to help. (Showing laptop screen)

 Give it a second to load. Whenever you’re ready, AT&T! Okay, here we go. This is us here. To the south is Professor Loomis and the Geology Department. According to their Twitter feed, they’re out of sunblock, which means they’ll have to hug the tree line or risk melanoma. That’s our edge. All we have to do is move quickly over this ridge, the rock-worshipping pasty-faced bastards won’t know what hit them. All right, let’s move out.

 You can’t quit. That’s a court-martial offence. That’s punishable by… You can’t quit.

 This is a game to you? Uh, was the Battle of Antietam a game? Huh? Was the sack of Rome a game?

 Wait. I just want you all to know that I forgive you. This mutiny isn’t your fault, it’s mine. I haven’t earned these bars. Although what I lack in leadership, apparently I more than make up for in sewing.

 No. Jamba Juice is for heroes. And that’s what we’re going to be.

 Following in the footsteps of Kirk, Crunch and Kangaroo. (Walks outside) Geology isn’t a real science! (Gets hit by countless paintball pellets)

 If there’s ever a Church of Sheldon, this will be when it started. Ow!

 Excuse me. It’s Major Sheldon Cooper. With my last breath, I awarded myself a battlefield promotion. It’s kind of a big deal.

 It’s eight o’clock in the morning in Mumbai. How can she have dinner?

 All right, so technically it’s not a dinner date. I suppose you could call it a, uh, dinfast date. But if you did, you’d open yourself to peer-based mocking, such as, Hey, Leonard, how was your dinfast with Priya last night?

 You didn’t let me finish. Dinfast (rolls eyes). Are those soy-based candles?

 Paraffin candles may contain carcinogens. Unless lung cancer is the ambiance you were going for at your dinfast. Dinfast (rolls eyes).

 Oh, yes, Priya. Leonard, you know I make a point of never interfering in your personal affairs.

 Priya has moved back to India to pursue her law career. Instead of desperately trying to keep this intercontinental relationship alive, you could use that time to take up a hobby.

 Yes. I read recently about a fellow in Kansas with an enormous ball of twine. I bet you could give him a run for his money.

 I miss the old days when your romantic partners could be returned to the video store.

 If we were an old married couple, the wife would serve iced tea and snickerdoodles.

 Good. On the way to see the lawyer, pick up some tea and cookies. I must say, I am enjoying your new chair.

 It is. Aligns the lumbar, cradles the coccyx, balances the buttocks. This is a chair worthy of the name.

 There’s a wet Band-Aid on the shower floor. (Runs out of apartment).

 Yes, I did. And now they’re cavorting at the base of my hair follicles like dancing hippies at the Redwood National Forest.

 I said, name one. You really need to work on your listening skills.

 You need to remove that chair from the building. It’s a health hazard.

 It certainly looks okay. Has a strong toxic chemical smell. That’s reassuring.

 No, thank you. (Sees insect. More appear and swarm all over him. He jumps out of a daydream on his own couch. Jumps up and runs out to Penny’s apartment.

 For your safety, please wait in my apartment as I call the authorities so they may remove the chair of death.

 Under my authority as a self-appointed member of the Centres for Disease Control street team, these premises are condemned. (Penny tries to close door) As a man with a keen sense of style, I must tell you, that chair does not work with the room. (Penny closes door). (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Penny opens door and waves seat cushion at him. He screams and runs off. She closes door. He sneaks back) (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy.

 I was hoping she might listen to you about the dangers of owning unhygienic furniture.

 Penny has dragged a chair in off the street whose unknown provenance jeopardizes the health and welfare of every resident in our building.

 No. I dislike the sound of the harp. Its overuse in classic television sitcoms always makes me think I’m going to experience an episode from my past. (Amy plays glissando) I’m sorry, Mommy. Don’t be mad at me. Don’t do that!

 Penny, a moment. We just had Thai food. In that culture, the last morsel is called the krengjai piece, and it is reserved for the most important and valued member of the group.

 Wait. Uh, which is closer to the new train store in Monrovia, the movie theatre or the Cheesecake Factory?

 Oh, well, then I guess it doesn’t matter which one of you drives me. Let’s play a fun guessing game to see who gets to take me. All right, this four-letter word describes either a printer’s type size or a compulsion to eat dirt.

 Oh, I’m not buying anything. They’re having a lecture. H-O gauge railroading. Half the size of O-gauge, but twice the fun. Very controversial topic.

 I’ll let you know after tonight. Unlike some people, I’m going in with an open mind. Who am I kidding? Of course we all know it’s O-gauge or no gauge.

 Howard, I think I can help here. Yes, Bernadette, that’s exactly what he thinks.

 Okay, everybody calm down. There is a simple solution here. Raj, take me to the train store, and then I don’t care what you people do.

 You don’t know the half of it. It was billed as a lively give-and-take on the merits of model train sizes. But it was actually a set-up to intimidate weak-minded spineless rubes into buying H-O starter sets.

 I don’t want to talk about it. But it’s not a spine,I’ll tell you that.

 Not my fault. You said there’d be other scientists there my age.

 Seventeen. The ogre is amused by your joke and allows you to pass. By the by, I liked it, too.

 When you play Chutes and Ladders, do you complain about all the chutes and all the ladders?

 Gentlemen, please focus. You’re facing a fire-breathing dragon.

 Because you don’t have a girlfriend? Well, good Lord, if that becomes a reason not to play Dungeons and Dragons, this game’s in serious trouble.

 Yes. From here on in, I’ve decided to make all trivial decisions with a throw of the dice, thus freeing up my mind to do what it does best, enlighten and amaze. Page 14, item seven.

 Let’s see what I’ll be washing that succotash down with. A pitcher of margaritas.

 That’s the great thing. It doesn’t matter. My mind is freed up to think about more important things.

 And now for dessert, come on, hot fudge sundae, come on, hot fudge sundae. Bam! That’s what I’m talking about!

 Don’t thank me. Thank the dice. They told me what percentage of my face to shave.

 Because it’s working. In the past few weeks, unburdened by trivial decisions, I’ve co-authored two papers in notable peer-reviewed journals, and I’m close to figuring out why the Large Hadron Collider has yet to isolate the Higgs boson particle.

 Yeah, I actually have information about Raj that would be helpful with this discussion.

 Okay, get this. It doesn’t matter if he’s showering her with gifts, because the Koothrappalis are vastly wealthy.

 Well, wealthy means a lot of money, and vastly means even more. I’m not sure what’s tripping you up.

 No, you’re wrong. See, as you know, a few years ago, I achieved one of my lesser dreams and became a notary public. Well, from time to time, I notarize banking documents for Raj. The Koothrappalis aren’t just rich, they’re Richie Rich rich.

 Can’t figure out what to do? I remember those days. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to… (rolls dice) stay right here.

 Should I use the rest room or wait until we get home? Come on, papa needs to void his bladder. Oh, that’s not what you want to see after three buttermilks.

 I don’t know. If we’re going to start a fantasy sword collection, and I’ve long thought we should, is this really the sword to start with?

 Well, off the top of my head, I’d have to go with Excalibur. It gives you the right to rule England.

 Fair enough. It’d give you the right to rule a replica of England.

 Mm. Tough decision. There’s no weaponry from Lord of the Rings, forged in a Chinese sweatshop?

 Two grown men with a hobbit’s dagger; wouldn’t we look silly? Okay, let’s go for it.

 Oh, did you hear that? We’re getting the friends and family discount. We are honoured and we will take it.

 I’ve long said, what you lack in academic knowledge you make up for in street smarts.

 It’s part of my sword collection. Do you have a sword collection?

 I see what you’re doing. You accept an invitation to a party at the home of my sworn enemy, he tells everyone we’re going to be there, and when we don’t show, he looks the fool. Fiendishly clever.

 And then declaring the party a fiasco and storming out, leaving him humiliated in front of his guests. Love it.

 At this moment, our relationship exists in two mutually contradictory states. Until you either do not go or go to Wil Wheaton’s party, you are simultaneously my friend and not my friend. I’m characterizing this phenomenon as Schrodinger’s Friendship.

 In case you have forgotten, Schrodinger’s cat is a thought experiment…

 Mohammed is the most common first name in the world, Lee, the most common surname. As I didn’t know the answer, I thought that gave me a mathematical edge.

 Don’t talk to me as if nothing’s happened between us. And yes, it sure is, buddy.

 Would you prefer a simpler application of Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle, in which I could either know where you are or whether I like you, but not both?

 You just got off the list. Would you like back on it? This’ll just take a moment. It’s on a five and a quarter inch floppy.

 As a child, I loved Wesley Crusher, Wil Wheaton’s character on Star Trek. So, I drove for hours by bus to a Star Trek convention at which Wil Wheaton was scheduled to appear, so that I could get my Wesley Crusher action figure signed. But he never showed, because apparently, it was cooler for him to be the lower-left corner on Hollywood Squares. Oh, damn! The floppy failed. Well, whoever was in charge of quality control at the Verbatim Corporation in 1989, congratulations, you just made the list.

 Oh, of course you would have to believe that. Evil always thinks it’s doing right. Excuse me, Stormtrooper. These are the droids you’re looking for.

 No, Leonard, this is your last chance. One day, a historian is going to come to you and say, is it true you were friends with Dr. Sheldon Cooper? And you’re going to have to choke back a hot sob of regret and humiliation as you mumble, I was, but I chose to go to a party thrown by the one kid from Stand By Me that no one remembers.

 I did, but I think I’ve kind of outgrown Star Trek. You know, stock characters, ludicrous plots, beam me up. What a load of hooey.

 Fighting for our friendship. As peculiar and annoying as you can be, you’re still my little buddy. I’m not going to let that end here tonight. Now put down that drink, let’s meet Brent Spiner and go home.

 What I’d like is for him to have a more depressing home. This is quite lovely.

 Brent Spiner, what have you done? That was an original mint-in-package Wesley Crusher action figure signed by my close personal friend, Wil Wheaton.

 You’ve already signed something, Brent Spiner. Your name on my list. From this moment on, you are my mortal enemy.

 Come on, buddy. Let’s not waste another second on this loser. Love your house.

 Well, Mom, if I did, it would be conclusive proof that your God can work miracles.

 Frankly, Mom, I’m encouraged to see how advanced your group has become, willing to sail out into the ocean without fear of falling off the edge.

 The Lord giveth and the Lord bloweth away. Well, Mom, according to my itinerary for our weekend together, the fun begins with fried chicken.

 Good, ’cause I got you everything you need to make it. You are in for a treat. My mother’s fried chicken is why we had to buy my dad the extra large coffin.

 Of course she does. Making me food is her way of saying I love you. Making me food when she’s too tired to cook is her way of saying I really love you.

 Won’t that spoil our appetites for the chicken you’re going to make me?

 There’s a lot of harm in trying something new. That’s why we test out drugs and cosmetics on bunny rabbits.

 Well, there’s actually big news on the Amy front. She’s been studying the neurobiology of addiction in lower animals. She is this close to getting a starfish hooked on cocaine.

 And that reminds me of another saying. You can lead a chicken to Crisco, but you can’tmake your mother fry it.

 I don’t know. Lately we’ve been talking about converting it into a missile silo.

 Oh, yes, born alone, die alone. It’s a tragic human condition. Now, Raj, if you’ll excuse my mother, she’s about to make a pecan pie that’ll be so good I’ll almost forget how she blew it with the fried chicken.

 Careful, you’re using too much Downey. You know if my clothes get too soft it makes me sleepy.

 It was in my weekly e-mail blast. Right between beet season is finally here, and uh-oh, red stool from beets leads to cancer scare.

 Yes, Penny has a lot of her money tied up in promiscuity futures.

 I’ve got a treat for us tomorrow, Mom. I’m taking you to see Saul Perlmutter give a lecture about his Nobel Prize-winning work in cosmology. And the best part is, at the Q and A afterward, I’ve worked up a couple of Q’s that will stump his sorry A.

 What sight is better than your little boy embarrassing a Nobel laureate?

 What do I say? I say you people need to stop ruining my mom’s visit with your sushi, and your sadness and your slutty shirts. Stop it.

 Great. Now, you’re going to love the Perlmutter lecture. Look, he will be stating that the universe is older than 6,000 years, but I thought you could stick your fingers in your ears and hum Amazing Grace during those parts.

 But I apologized. And that was hard for me because I didn’t do anything wrong.

 All right, Mom. When you’re at the Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Museum, if they have an exhibit about a mother who threw away a chance to spend the day with the world’s most wonderful son, believe it, because it’s true. (Grabs pancakes and snatches syrup from Leonard’s hand)

 No, I’m just allergic to people who get Nobel Prizes for no good reason.

 Oh, there it is. It always comes back to monkeys with you. Just monkeys, monkeys, monkeys.

 Are you trying to suggest that my emotional problems are no different than those of a stupid person?

 Oh, yes, the common cold. Just like everyone else. You’d love that, wouldn’t you?

 Thank you. Yeah, I’ve learned something today. You and I, in so many ways, other than intelligence and what counts, we’re the same. (Sneezes)

 And just to be clear, only her baby and not these other people.

 I know, it filled in last year. I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with you on this visit.

 Or maybe I’m part of a new species, that lives for hundreds of years, which means I’m still basically a toddler.

 Hmm. (Looks outside office door. Corridor lamp sparks and goes out. Corridor is bathed in an eerie glow) All right, all right. I see what’s going on. A little pre-Halloween hijinkery. A ghostly moan, a rattling of chains, a witch’s cackle. The trifecta of haunted house clichés. Instead of eek, I say yawn.

 Oh, the walls are dripping blood, which looks nothing like a phenolphthalein indicator exposed to a sodium carbonate solution. (Reading message on wall) See you in hell Sheldon. The most frightening thing about that is the missing comma. (A luminous skeleton rushes towards him) Ah. Okay, all right. That one was clever. Skeleton with phosphorous on a zip line. Come on out, merry pranksters. Take a bow.

 Yes, there’s nothing quite like the slightly widened eyes of mildly startled.

 Please, fright depends on an element of surprise. The simple fact is, because I am much smarter than you, and able to anticipate your actions, it is highly unlikely that you two rubes could ever surprise me. (Leonard creeps out behind him wearing a Star Trek Balok mask)

 Yes, enjoy your japes, gentlemen. You think you’ve poked fun at a milquetoast academic. Well, you’ve forgotten one thing. I am also a son of the Lone Star state. I’m Texas through and through. And we know how to settle scores down there. If you doubt me, ask Mexico.

 Nothing. It’s not suspicious that I’m fixating. It’s consistent with my personality.

 It is, isn’t it? Oh, bother. Isn’t that just always the way? You go to staple something, and you’re out of staples. Gosh, I wish I’d known that earlier today when I was at Staples.

 well, no, no, I need something more permanent to join these papers. Say, don’t you keep staples in your top desk drawer?

 Stop talking like that. You’ve been rendered speechless by fear.

 I tried to scare an Indian with a snake. Come on, Cooper. You’re better than this.

 Are you concerned because the world is filled with big dogs and bullies?

 Well, if it’s of any help, I’ve read all the great moral philosophers, including Dr. Seuss.

 All right. So the topic at hand is sexual fidelity. Probably won’t be relying on Seuss here. Although One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish might be surprisingly applicable. Go on.

 You know, the German philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche, believed that morality is just a fiction used by the herd of inferior human beings to hold back the few superior men.

 It just occurred to me that I never formally congratulated you on your pending nuptials. So I hopped on the first bus and hightailed it down here to shake your hand. Put ‘er there, you old so-and-so.

 Holy smoke, why didn’t I think of that? You’re a better man than I, Howard Wolowitz. You put ‘er there, you son of a gun!

 Well, I thought he made that up. Isn’t hypochondria a common idiosyncrasy of Jewish people?

 What? No. You mean this was all a ruse? Oh, how could I be so stu… (puts hand to forehead. Electrocutes himself).

 Ladies, please. These four walls once housed an intellectual salon where the mind received nourishment as well as the stomach. But through no one’s fault, Penny, the quality of dinner conversation in this apartment has declined. And again, I’m looking at no one in particular, Penny.

 I’ve prepared a number of topics that should appeal to both the advanced and novice conversationalists.

 Topic one. Faster-than-light particles at CERN, paradigm-shifting discovery or another Swiss export as full of holes as their cheese? And converse.

 Ah. New topic. Women, delightfully mysterious or bat-crap crazy?

 Can we? Stand back while I turn this conversation into a conver-sensation.

 I have 100 alphabetized topics from artichoke, come on, people, it’s just a giant thistle, to zzz, the onamona-poetry of sleep.

 Sorry. I’m a little distracted. I can’t seem to get in touch with Amy. I tried e-mail, video chat, tweeting her, posting on her Facebook wall, texting her, nothing.

 The telephone. You know, Leonard, in your own simple way, you may be the wisest of us all. Voice mail. Curiouser and curiouser.

 Okay. You know, I heard in the news a bobcat has been spotted in her neighbourhood.

 Leonard, I was just mentioning an interesting local news item. Now, thanks to you, I’m worried Amy’s been eaten by a bobcat.

 Would you like to talk about it? And keep in mind that no is a perfectly viable answer.

 Point of order. As you’re in distress, it would be customary for me to offer you a hot beverage. But I’m a guest in your home, so it would be customary for you to offer me a beverage. How do you want to proceed vis-a-vis beverages?

 If you’d like to take your mind off what’s troubling you, uh, word on the street is a bobcat has been spotted.

 When they were over here, did you fail to offer them a beverage? ‘Cause I can see how that could stick in someone’s craw.

 Counterproposal. I will gently stroke your head and repeat, aw, who’s a good Amy.

 Last night I was strong-armed into an evening of harp music and spooning with an emotional Amy Farrah Fowler. This on a night that I had originally designated for solving the space-time geometry in higher-spin gravity and building my Lego Death Star. And why? Your gal pals, Penny and Bernadette, went out shopping for some wedding nonsense without Amy, an action they took with no thought or regard as to how it would affect me, the future of string theory or my Lego fun time.

 You clearly weren’t listening to my topic sentence, get your women in line! You make them apologize to Amy and set things right. I am a man of science, not someone’s snuggle bunny!

 You invited her to lunch four years ago. Everything about her is on you, you make it so!

 There’s a bird outside the window, and he won’t go away. That is the hell that is going on. We have no worms or seeds here. Shoo, shoo.

 It’s called ornithophobia. And someday it will be recognized as a true disability, and the landlord will be required by law to put a giant net over the building. Which is unfortunate, because I have a fear of nets.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird. (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird. (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird.

 Good idea. Attention is what birds want. (Pulls curtain) Oh, much better. All right. Now I’ll just get along with my life. (Bird squawks) Make a pot of tea, Leonard. It’s going to be a long night.

 Please, that’s a seagull. If you’re not going to help, don’t help.

 It depends on the activity. For a prostate exam, yes. If you’re playing Vegas, I’d add sequins.

 Or you might think she thinks you think it’s a date even though she doesn’t.

 Really? A blazer? All right. (Leonard takes off blazer and heads back to his room. Sheldon dials phone) Yes, hello. This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I’m at 2311 North Robles Avenue. Yeah, I’d like to report a dangerous wild animal. A blue jay. I’m sorry, this is Animal Control. I don’t understand the laughter. No, the bird is not in my home. If he was in my home, I obviously would have called 911. Sir, I have no doubt that there are things that you’re frightened of. Being stuck in a dead-end public service job? Or your wife stepping out on you because you’re stuck in a dead-end public service job? Or spiders? Don’t you think I tried making cat noises?

 For an audience with the queen, yes. For an evening of passing a bottle of fortified wine around a flaming trash can, you look great. (Leonard leaves again. Sheldon draws a picture of a cats face and returns to making cat noises at the window.) What am I thinking? Whiskers!

 This would go a lot faster if you put your trade school diploma to work and helped me set up this high frequency tone generator.

 Yeah, but you’ve got a can-do attitude and that’s what’s important.

 The question you should be asking is what is their problem with me? My first memory, a hummingbird dive-bombing my stroller to get at the apple juice in my sippy cup.

 Age seven, a blood-thirsty chicken chases me up a tree. Age twelve, a magpie tries to steal the retainer out of my mouth. Age sixteen, a parrot in a pet store called me fat ass. Need I go on?

 It’s not a death ray. It’s just a little ultrasonic blast to scare him off. Trust me, if I had a death ray, I wouldn’t be living here. I’d be in my lair enjoying the money the people of Earth gave me for not using my death ray. All right, and in three, two, one. (Switches on. All the windows shatter. The bird doesn’t move.)

 You’re biologists. Biology is the study of living things. That’s a living thing, get cracking.

 Oh, come now. Your undergraduate work must have included a varmints and critters class.

 Yes. It’s very sweet. Now, slowly and carefully, flush him down the toilet.

 Every year tens of people around the world are killed by birds. I’m not going to be another statistic.

 My phone’s on the desk over there. Take a picture of us together. Make it good enough to go on a mug, a mouse pad, and a calendar. If you were a dove, I’d call you Lovey-Dovey. Oh. Who am I kidding? This isn’t a moment for strict adherence to the literal. You’re just my little Lovey-Dovey, aren’t you?

 Yes. It should have a big picture of him, and the words, is this your bird? Not anymore. We’re going to have so much fun together. You can carry messages to all my enemies. I can tie a string to your leg and fly you like a kite.

 Nonsense. No. Lovey-Dovey doesn’t sleep in a cage. No. Lovey-Dovey sleeps in his very own nest, which I’m going to get off the windowsill and put in my room. Isn’t that right, LD? (Opens window. Bird flies out.) No. Where are you going? Come back, Lovey-Dovey! This is your home now! I already ordered 20 pounds of bird feed off of Amazon! He’s gone.

 How could he do this to me? Get back here, you stupid bird, so I can love you!

 Mine was great. I’m going to be a mommy. (Reveals nest with an egg in it.)

 Well, A, comic books employ storytelling through sequential art, a medium that dates back 17,000 years to the cave paintings of Lascaux, and B, you play the harp. Like that’s cool.

 I know what this is about. Given the professional standstill you’re at, you’re wondering if this is the appropriate time to abandon your research and focus on teaching. Yes. And if I may suggest, consider changing disciplines. Yeah, to the humanities, perhaps history. One of the advantages of teaching history is that you don’t have to create things, you know, you just have to remember stuff that happened and then parrot it back. You could have fun with that.

 Oh, of course he is. She’s very interesting. Did you know, when she was 14, she severed the webbing between her own toes?

 I’m not sure how to respond, Leonard. I don’t own Amy. Can’t own a person. At least not since? 1863. President Lincoln freed the? Slaves! Come on Leonard, if you’re going to teach history, these are the kind of facts you’ll have to know.

 The question is moot. There is no way that Stuart, an impoverished peddler of picture books, would be at all appealing to Amy Farrah Fowler, a noted neurobiologist capable of performing surgery on her own feet with nothing but nitrous oxide from cans of whipped cream as anesthesia.

 Fine. The record shall so reflect. Now, getting back to the problem at hand, what to do with a washed-up experimental physicist.

 Oh, Leonard. Lots of people love you and want to help you, but they can’t until you admit the problem.

 Am I okay? Leonard, I’m on a lifelong trajectory that includes a Nobel Prize and cities named after me, all four wisdom teeth fit comfortably in my mouth without need of extraction, and my bowel movements run like a German train schedule. Am I okay?

 Flaming Spittoon. And for the record, I’m very disappointed in you cowpokes. We’re playing our inaugural round of Wild West and Witches, and I’m the only one who bothered to dress for the occasion. (Spits into a spittoon) Patooie.

 Did it look ridiculous when we got the Satanimals pack and I dressed up as a Beelzebobcat?

 Cluck, cluck, cluck. What are we, ladies at a quilting bee? Or are we men playing a fantasy card game set in a magical frontier town?

 And may I point out it is the three of you who are obsessed with Stuart and Amy, not me. I think you need to ask yourselves who’s really being ridiculous here. (Walks away with spurs jangling)

 Don’t be silly. I’m a fan of anything that tries to replace actual human contact.

 Really? You think I care if a man, what, shared a pumpkin latte with a dynamite lady?

 You are free to believe whatever you like. And unfriend Rajesh Koothrappali.

 A date. You and me. Dining, dancing, perhaps you’d like to take in a prizefight.

 No. Why is everyone so obsessed with Amy and Stuart? And whether or not they may be having more pumpkin lattes or intercourse tonight.

 I am not trying to get her back. But, out of curiosity, what is a way?

 Are you sure? That would explain so much. Your constant presence in my apartment, that baffling dalliance with Leonard just to be near me, the way you call me sweetie all the time.

 Excuse me. Excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon me. Excuse me. Hi, Stuart.

 The thought of you sitting in a darkened theatre with a character like Stuart is repellent. No offence, Stuart.

 I believe I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship.

 With the understanding that nothing changes whatsoever, physical or otherwise, I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as not my girlfriend.

 Well, that’s enough of that. Sorry to interrupt. You two enjoy your date. Here’s a dollar for your troubles. Get yourself some Sour Patch Kids.

 Wow. Is that the kind of nagging I can expect now that you’re my girlfriend? Good thing I drew this up.

 I present to you the relationship agreement. A binding covenant that, in its 31 pages, enumerates, iterates and codifies the rights and responsibilities of Sheldon Lee Cooper, here and after known as the boyfriend, and Amy Farrah Fowler, here and after known as the girlfriend.

 Mutual indemnification always is. Why don’t you start perusing while I set up my notary stamp.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette.

 Relationship agreement Section 4, Boo-boos and Ouchies. You have to take care of it.

 I believe that you’re capable of great change. Like when I finally got you to stop saying Valentimes Day.

 In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an honorary Harlem Globetrotter.

 Okay, Penny, if it were a game, here are your choices. An e-mail from an old acquaintance, or the head of one of the largest religious institutions in the world slam dunking to Sweet Georgia Brown. Pick.

 Was he the one who wedgied you so hard, your testicle reascended, and you spent your whole Christmas break waiting for it to come back down?

 You know, the holidays are just around the corner. Maybe he wants to see if he can lodge the other testicle up there.

 Look at these men. They’ve managed to win the top science prize in the world with no more understanding of the quantum underpinnings of the expansion of the early universe than God gave a goose. You should pay attention, Leonard. Someday this could be you up there.

 Wear loafers. Look at Dr. Saul Perlmutter up there, clutching that Nobel Prize. What’s the matter, Saul? You afraid someone’s going to steal it? Like you stole Einstein’s cosmological constant?

 Oh, now Perlmutter’s shaking the King’s hand. Yeah, check for your watch, Gustaf. He might have lifted it.

 Congratulations? The Newcomb medal? Oh, please. That’s the scientific equivalent of a smiley face sticker on your homework.

 Oh, good Lord, are we going to stand here and listen to him tear Leonard apart like this?

 Technically, Howard’s the gear head. Leonard’s just a dime store laser jockey.

 The smartest? All right, you know, I may not have a firm grasp on sarcasm, but even I know that was a doozy. Leonard, you can’t live in fear of this man forever.

 You clearly don’t. What my spineless friend lacks the courage to say is you’re a terrible person who took advantage of his tiny size, his uncoordinated nature and his congenital lack of masculinity.

 Leonard, I platonically love you, man, but face it, you’re a mess.

 A little bit? The man Super Glued Hershey’s Kisses to your nipples.

 This is a list of your heinous acts against Leonard. One of which is certainly the cause of him wetting his bed well into his teens.

 One for good luck. Must be the kind of math they do at Princeton.

 Then take away his keys and make him wander the streets with the other drunks.

 As a symbolic gesture to all the bullies who’ve tormented us for years, we open our home to Jimmy and once he’s asleep we kill him. I said it would be nice, I didn’t say we should do it.

 You’re soft. This world’s going to chew you up and spit you out.

 I’m not going to say I told you so, but we could have killed him.

 The Dark Knight has your back. He’s scared, but he has your back.

 Don’t answer that. It’s a trick question. I speak from experience.

 Oh, dear Lord. A man pops out for a moment to evacuate his bowels and catch up on the adventures of the Caped Crusader, only to emerge and discover his apartment has been transformed into a cabaret.

 This is how you’re going to entertain your little cousin and his friends? By lying to them?

 A magic show is an inherently deceitful proposition. This is an ordinary top hat. You’ve chosen that card freely. I do not have a set of lock picks lodged in my keister.

 If we poison the critical thinking faculties of children by telling them that rabbits come out of hats, then we create adults who believe in astrology and homeopathy and that Ryan Reynolds was a better choice for Green Lantern than lovable rogue Nathan Fillion.

 Coins lodged in body parts is not a source of amusement. When I was five, Billy Sparks put a Mexican peso up my nose.

 It’s still there. Takes me 45 minutes to get through airport security. (Storms out)

 And that is the answer to the question, what is wrong with eating at The Cheesecake Factory?

 All right, without objection, the minutes of the previous date are considered read and agreed to. Any new business?

 Superb. This morning I made a palindrome with my Alpha-Bits. Nice hat, Bob Tahecin.

 Ooh! Speaking of good news, somebody just hit 100 Twitter followers.

 Yeah, me, too. Triple digits, I’m not gonna lie, feels pretty good.

 Well, that’s odd. We both washed up when we came in. It’s probably a euphemism for urination.

 Not much. Although, I can be faulted for being overly fond of koala bears. I don’t know what it is, when they smart munching on eucalyptus, I just melt inside.

 Oh, I see why you’re confused. No, her news sounded important, but what you’re forgetting is, it was an achievement in the field of biology. That’s all about yucky, squishy things.

 She’d see right through that. We go to the zoo all the time. She knows my koala face. And for future reference, it’s this.

 Had a rough night. I thought I’d go for a walk and clear my head.

 It’s after nine o’clock, at this hour the streets of Pasadena are teeming with drunken sailors and alley cats.

 No. I think I’ll just go in this saloon and drink my troubles away.

 Hard as this may be to believe, it’s possible that I’m not boyfriend material.

 Amy had a fight. I was being perfectly reasonable. I’m gonna have a whiskey. Do you want anything?

 It’s appreciated. And if you ever manage to find a woman again, I’ll be glad to return the favour.

 Well, she’s very fond of her silver one that says allergic to penicillin. Maybe they have a dressier version of that?

 Excuse me. I don’t see why you get to snort derisively and point that out. You’d be lucky to land a fella like me.

 Remarkable. Diamonds, crystallized carbon. Every day, people go to the grocery store and come home with sacks full of carbon in the form of charcoal briquettes that they toss in their barbeques and set on fire. But just because you’ve got some carbon with the atoms stacked neatly, you expect me to plunk down thousands of dollars.

 Nonsense. I look like a train conductor. Under what pretext did you lure her here?

 Good, good, if you had said something clever, she might’ve gotten suspicious.

 Thank you. Amy, I’d like to apologize. Your accomplishment was impressive. And I’m proud of you.

 You ever wonder how humans would be different if they evolved from lizards instead of mammals?

 As you know, lizards, cold-blooded animals, lack the ability to sense temperature. But they do move more sluggishly when it’s cold. So, lizard weathermen would say things like, bring a sweater, it’s slow outside. I love my mind.

 Oh, I would assume we’d enjoy insects or smaller lizards. We could also pull each other’s tails off and grill them, they’ll just grow back. Oh! My life-size cardboard Mr. Spock is here! I know he wouldn’t care for an outburst of human emotion, but, oh goodie, oh goodie, oh goodie. Commander Spock requesting permission to be unfolded.

 Oh, no! They sent the wrong Spock! Live long and suck it, Zachary Quinto.

 All right, then. The reason you’re fixated on a good-natured simpleton like Penny is that she’s the exact opposite of your first romantic attachment, your brilliant yet intimidating mother.

 Now, where were we? Oh, yes. Does anyone have any wood? Oh, come on! I just want wood. Why are you making it so hard?

 We don’t know that. Not to a certainty. All we know is that Leonard is home.

 Again, not enough evidence. For all we know, he’s being murdered. Now, back to our game.

 Uh, can’t complain. Thanks for asking. Well, what were you doing out at three o’clock in the morning?

 After you used the facilities at the gas station, did you make a purchase?

 It’s customary, when using the rest room at a retail establishment, to make a small purchase. Did you?

 It’s not about you. It’s about a poor immigrant from Pakistan trying to make his way in America by working the graveyard shift at the Colorado Boulevard Chevron.

 We were next to a car with an ask me about my grandchildren bumper sticker, and I was afraid if we ran into them on the way out, I’d be obligated to do so.

 You have a keen insight into the human heart, Amy Farrah Fowler.

 People, people, please, before you say something you both regret, I’d like to place my order.

 I’ve got to go with Leonard on this. He is wrong more than anyone I know.

 Leonard, promise me that when our new waitress comes over, you will not start a complicated on-again, off-again relationship with her, because I am very, very hungry.

 This is a disaster. I distinctly ordered the Leonard Nimoy Mr. Spock cardboard standee. Why would I feel safer with Zachary Quinto at the foot of my bed?

 Fun and information are two sides to this video podcast, not unlike the only two-sided state flag, Oregon. Oh, look. Hello, Mr. Beaver. In future episodes, we’ll answer some burning questions. What’s the only non-rectangular flag? What animal appears most often on flags? What animal appears second most often on flags? And more.

 Now, today’s episode of Fun with Flags is not fun, but it is important. Flags: you gotta know how to hold ’em, you gotta know how to fold ’em. Let’s start by identifying the parts of our flag. This edge is the hoist, and it’s used to…

 No, I’m a little rattled. But like the flag over Fort Sumter, I’m still here. And, take two. Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to the premiere episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Over the next 52 weeks, you and I are going to explore the dynamic world of vexillology.

 Confound it! You’re right, it’s brilliant. Let’s take it from the top.

 The flags of Liechtenstein and Haiti were identical by coincidence, a fact that wasn’t discovered until they competed against each other at the 1936 Olympics. And thankfully, their embarrassment was overshadowed by the rise of Fascism.

 Speaking of cowboys, do you know what country has not one but two cows on its flag? The tiny landlocked nation of Andorra. Oh, the next classic episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags is writing itself.

 Careful, it’s that kind of sass that can get a person uninvited to this year’s Who Con.

 You’ve taken a great evolutionary leap by abandoning human interaction and allowing yourself to romantically bond with a soulless machine. Kudos.

 Oh, no, of course. I understand. You’re afraid the world isn’t ready for your taboo love. Your secret’s safe with me.

 Yeah, you know how it works. Once a quarter, keep our readiness up. Now, rise and shine, sleepy head. Half the town is probably dead.

 I think you’ll like the drill tonight. I’ve tried to make it fun. Each of these cards contains a detailed scenario of a possible apocalyptic event. Everything from wild fires to a surprise invasion by Canada. Pick a catastrophe, any catastrophe.

 Yeah, really? You think those hippies in Washington and Oregon can stop them?

 All righty! An 8.2 magnitude earthquake devastates Pasadena, reducing mighty edifices to dust, engulfing the city in flames. The streets flow with blood and echo with the cries of the wounded. Oh, excellent choice. Now, put on your hard hat and safety vest.

 You make that joke every three months. I still don’t get it. Leonard, wait. What are you doing?

 Look around you, there’s hypothetical broken glass everywhere. Really? You’re going to face Armageddon without your orthotics? All right, your choice. (Grabs him and pushes him over) Uh-oh, hypothetical aftershock!

 I’ll tell you exactly how he did. Readiness: unsatisfactory. Follows direction: barely. Attitude: a little too much. Overall: not only will he probably die in a fiery inferno, his incessant whining would most certainly spoil everyone else’s day.

 You can’t go home. You have to take me to the dentist at four o’clock.

 Of course I can. It’s coming back under the residual effects of the anaesthesia, that’s the problem. Two years ago after a deep gum cleaning, I thought I got on a bus but somehow wound up on a booze cruise to Mexico.

 Wrong, sir. Wrong. Under section 37B of the roommate agreement, miscellaneous duties, you are obligated to take me to the dentist. See? It’s right here after providing a confirmation sniff on questionable dairy products.”

 Think carefully here. Clause 209 suspends our friendship, and strips down the roommate agreement to its bare essentials. Our responsibilities toward each other would only be rent, utilities and a perfunctory chin jut of recognition as we pass in the hall. (Demonstrating) ‘Sup?

 All right. That’s it. We are now no longer companions, boon or otherwise. We are now merely acquaintances. To amend the words of Toy Story, you have not got a friend in me.

 ‘Sup? My apologies. I would’ve been here sooner, but the bus kept stopping for other people to get on it.

 Oh, your concern for me is touching. It will serve you well when you take me to the dentist tomorrow.

 You’re my girlfriend and you’re not going to cater to my every need? Oh, where’d the magic go?

 Well, if Amy’s too busy, that gives the rest of you an opportunity to make my life easier, thus assuring yourselves a footnote in my memoirs, tentatively entitled You’re Welcome, Mankind. All right, then, just shout when you hear the task you want to undertake. Uh, dentist. Okay, we can circle back to that one. Um, well, who wants to take me Wednesday morning to get new heels put on my dress shoes? Anyone? Oh. That one had hoot written all over it. Um, all right, uh, dermatologist? Allergist? Podiatrist? Supercuts? Okay, okay, here’s a fun one. Um, I need a new picture frame and I have a hankering for Swedish meatballs. Who wants to spend the day with me at IKEA?

 No, no. I was just sitting at home thinking about how it might be nice to catch up with my ninth favourite person.

 You moved up one. My pen pal in Somalia was kidnapped by pirates. So, uh, how are you?

 Great. Great. So, what’s new with your family? How’s your mother? Is she alive?

 Oh, I’m so sorry for your loss. On a cheerier note, I have a teeth-cleaning appointment this afternoon. What do you say you take me over there, buddy boy?

 Yes. And now, I can’t make any promises, but that’s the sort of thing that gets a fella on the short list for the number eight friend slot.

 Can’t help a friend out in a time of need, huh? I see where your therapist was coming from.

 Not necessary. No. I found a service that’ll send a van to your house for a teeth cleaning. Mostly they cater to dogs, but the fellow on the phone seemed to have an open mind.

 Are you suggesting that you’ve come to your senses and wish to re-establish the mutual benefits that stem from full participation in the roommate agreement?

 I will admit nothing of the sort. And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to call my dentist and see if I can also get my hair shampooed and my nails clipped.

 Oh, that was wildly carcinogenic. Anyway, it’s too bad you’re no longer entitled to the full benefits of my friendship, because I happen to be extremely prepared for such an emergency. Please try not to see anything by this light. It’s not for you.

 And I’m sure some fool in the Donner party said the snow would stop any day now. I like to think they ate him first.

 But candles? During a blackout? Are you mad? That’s a fire hazard. No, Pasadena Water and Power recommends the far safer glow stick.

 Before you go, consider this. Not only do I have a deep-cycle marine battery power source which is more than capable of running our entertainment system, I also have all 61 episodes of the BBC series Red Dwarf and Fiddle-Faddle. All yours if you’re willing to reinstate the roommate agreement.

 Oh, he’ll be back. Wine and a girl in the dark, he’s gonna be bored out of his mind.

 Social niceties have been suspended, Leonard. We’re in a state of a emergency. The world has descended into darkened turmoil. Lawlessness and savagery are the order of the day.

 I’m making s’mores. I wanted to alert you in case you smelled caramelizing marshmallows and thought a nearby candy factory was on fire.

 Yes, or good for us if you sign here and reinstate the full roommate agreement.

 Really? Huh! Okay. In that case, I will have a s’more by myself. And then I’m gonna have s’more. By myself.

 This is a Bunsen burner. I’m a scientist, I know what I’m doing. Oh, drat. (His s’more is on fire. He dunks it in a glass of water.) Aw. It took me a gallon of urine to make that water.

 Counter-proposal. We reinstate the full roommate agreement with the following addendum, in the spirit of Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, once a year, we set aside day to celebrate all your contributions to my life, both actual and imagined by you. We could call it Leonard’s Day.

 Of course you do. It’s about you, like everything else. (Lights come back on) Oh, thank goodness. I don’t think I had it in me to make another glass of water.

 Oh, I don’t know. But whoever that mystery man was, you should be eternally grateful, for without him, there would be no Leonard’s Day.

 Ha. Perfect. Okay. Get this. Professor Jones told the symposium he had a new method for calculating the mass of a muon. Five times the limit of E to the upsilon as in a (laughs uncontrollably). Okay. No, no. I’ll start over. Professor (laughs again)

 Oh, Oh, Lord, that multiplication error! He thought he carried the one. But he didn’t.

 Oh, President Siebert, I assume you’d like to respond to one of the suggestions I put in the box by your office.

 You don’t like written suggestions. You don’t like when I give them to you while we’re urinating in the men’s room. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that you’re one of those stubborn people who are not open to suggestions.

 But if I don’t come into work, what am I supposed to do with myself?

 I’m sneaking into work. Now, if the guard at the university asks what’s under the blanket, you tell him it’s some lobster traps.

 Yes. That’s how Velma and Scooby smuggled Shaggy into the old lighthouse.

 Hawaii is a former leper colony on top of an active volcano where the disappointing ending to Lost was filmed. Mahalo for nothing, Hawaii.

 My family took a trip to Florida when I was a child. A seagull stole a hot dog from me on the beach. I got the message.

 It’s like I’m living in a dictatorship. You must take a vacation, you must have fun, you must enjoy life.

 One time they tried to make Richard Feynman take a vacation, but he chose instead to expand his mind and learn something new. He went to work in his friend’s biology lab. Richard Feynman was a famous American physicist, part of the Manhattan Project.

 Now you do, too. Oh! I have a brilliant idea. Amy’s a biologist. I’ll go work in her lab.

 Okay, what do we start with? Maybe splicing some genes, clone a sheep, perhaps grow a human ear on a mouse’s back? Ha-ha, I’m a freak!

 Wash those bea… Oh, I get it, a little hazing for the new fella. Yeah, I’d better keep and eye out for, what, shoe polish on the microscope, or mad cow disease in my grilled cheese sandwich?

 What? Excuse me, you have Dr. Sheldon Cooper in your lab. You’re gonna make him do the dishes? That’s like asking the Incredible Hulk to open a pickle jar.

 I have plenty of experience in biology. I bought a Tamagotchi in 1998. And it’s still alive. Let’s do this.

 There was something wrong with that detergent. That was way too bubbly.

 How’s counting going? When I was in kindergarten, I recited pi to a thousand places for the school talent show. I think I got this.

 This is preposterous. I think you’re giving me these tasks because you’re afraid if you give me anything meaningful to do, I’ll show you up.

 Yes, that’s what I think. And I’m super smart, so it’s probably true.

 I’m sorry. It takes me a while to get things going on an unfamiliar toilet.

 Maybe that’s because I’m not being challenged. It’s the same reason Einstein failed math.

 You think you’re doing science by cutting up that brain? They could do the same thing at any Quiznos. And they’d offer to toast it for me, too.

 All right. I’m no stranger to a little gray matter. Locus coeruleus. Locus coeruleus.

 It’s not. I’ll have you know, in the field of physics, we work with particles so small, they make fat jokes about the locus coeruleus, i.e., when your locus coeruleus sits around the house, it sits around the house.

 No. What you see is a man trembling with confidence. Does a locus coeruleus normally bleed that much?

 I’m on vacation. Social convention dictates that I let my hair down at a local watering hole. Social convention is stupid.

 You know, I have ten fingers and ten toes. If I tell you a story about each one of them, we’ll be here all day, let’s just move on.

 Ah, seeing as I’m on vacation, a pina colada seems appropriate. Extra pineapple slices, extra whipped cream, extra cherries, extra umbrellas, and, uh, hold the rum. Don’t let me have too many of those.

 Excuse me, this is a fairly substantial wound. (Removes plaster. Faints again)

 I was kind of hoping I could continue vacationing in your laboratory. After all, I did book the whole week.

 These shrimp are all the same size. There’s no the logical order to eat them in.

 Dibs? This is a university, not a playground. Offices are not assigned because someone called dibs.

 Shut it. Offices are assigned by seniority. I arrived at the university first.

 We tried. His assistant said he was on sabbatical. Although we distinctly heard his office window open and shut.

 Oh, my. President Siebert, I don’t mean to be an alarmist, but difficulty initiating a urine stream could be a symptom of benign prostatic hyperplasia. If you’re interested, I can send you a link to a YouTube video that’ll show you how to perform your own rectal exam. Yeah, uh, helpful hint, trim your nails first.

 Oh, he’s just trying to butter you up. And for the record, butter is an excellent lubricant for your rectal exam.

 We’re going to work this office situation out like gentlemen. And if that doesn’t work, I’m going to poison his tea.

 Well, that’s a little hard to hear, but all right. As you know, the essence of diplomacy is compromise. With that in mind, I propose the following. I will take Rothman’s office, and you will find a way to be okay with that.

 Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock was created by Internet pioneer Sam Kass as an improvement on the classic game Rock-Paper-Scissors. All hail Sam Kass.

 Oh, it’s very simple. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

 Well, of course. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

 Is he? Well, then, it seems we have reached an impasse. I see no other option than to challenge you to a duel. I’d smack you with a glove, but just last week I packed away my winter things.

 Not pistols. Minds. A trivia contest, and you may choose the field of battle. Star Trek trivia, Star Trek: Next Generation trivia, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine trivia, Star Trek: Voyager trivia, or model trains.

 Use the force, Sheldon. Use the force. (Throws ball. It goes about two feet in front of him.) I’m gonna need more force.

 I don’t think so, Kripke. I’ve bounced many a rubber ball in my day.

 Yeah. Call first. (Pushes him out. Closes door. Rothman is standing naked behind it.)

 Professor Rothman. This isn’t your office any more. You’re retired.

 I’m trying to raise the temperature in here before my nipples tear through my shirt.

 Aha! Good question. It turns out the thermostat for my new office isn’t in my new office. No. It’s next door, in Professor Davenport’s office, who is currently enjoying the hot flashes associated with menopause.

 Why is there a hole in my new office? I’ve narrowed it down to two possibilities: There was something in the wall that someone outside the wall wanted, or the more disturbing, there was something in the wall that wanted out.

 You don’t get it, do you? That’s a mockingbird. Mockingbirds can change their song, which means he’s out of tune on purpose. He’s mocking me. Oh dear. There it is again. Do you feel it?

 No. The vibration. We are directly underneath the geology lab, and they’re running their confounded sieve shakers again. Hey, gravel monkeys, if you need to shake rocks, try jiggling your heads around!

 How can I relax? My nervous system is being stretched out like the strings of a harp and plucked by holes and birds and wind and the low-hanging scrotum of the difficult-to-evict Professor Rothman.

 What, and let him win? Do I look crazy to you? We’re trying to think down here, you geode-loving feldspar jockeys! (To the bird) And you, the notes are C, D, E, G and A. You pick one or I am chopping down that tree!

 Oh, dear, Mr. D’Onofrio’s in the hospital. Why do these things always happen to me?

 You’re not Mr. D’Onofrio. I get my hair cut by Mr. D’Onofrio. You believe this guy?

 He’s not a barber, he’s the nephew. He’s an example of the kind of nepotism that runs rampant in the barbering industry. Besides, Mr. D’Onofrio knows exactly how I like my hair done because he has all my haircut records from my barber in Texas.

 When I first moved here I was nervous about finding a new barber, so my mother had all my haircut records sent here to Mr. D’Onofrio.

 No, but my mother assured me they were sent here, and I’ll bet you dollars to doughnuts that this one doesn’t have them. Uh, excuse me. Do you have access to my haircut records?

 To paraphrase T.S. Eliot, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with a nephew.

 Fine, but if I come out of this looking like a dork, it’s on you. (Sits)

 Penny, I know you mean well, offering the skills of the hill folk, but, um, here in town we don’t churn our own butter, we don’t, uh, make dresses out of gunny sacks, and, uh, we sure as shootin’ don’t get our hair cut by bottle-blonde…

 I’m sorry, it’s the bad boy attitude that comes with this hair.

 I’m sorry. I’m looking for a barber and I’m running out of time. My hair is growing at the rate of 4.6 yoctometers per femtosecond. I mean, if you’re quiet, you can hear it.

 I tried once. They do men’s and women’s hair in the same room at the same time. It’s like Sodom and Gomorrah with mousse.

 Why don’t I let my hair grow out? Um, why don’t I start wearing Birkenstocks and, uh, uh, seeking validation of my opinions by asking can you dig it?

 No, I’m not all right. It’s been six days since I was supposed to get a haircut and nothing horrible has happened.

 I have spent my whole life trying to bring order to the universe by carefully planning every moment of every day. But all my efforts, our dinner schedule, my pyjama rotation, my bowel movement spreadsheet, it’s clear now, I’ve been wasting my time.

 Oh, please, everyone knows what’s going to happen. But I see your point.

 I don’t know. I could do anything. All bets are off. The world is my oyster. I got it. I’m going to put on my Tuesday pyjamas tonight.

 Hello, Leonard, do you like my bongos? Bet you didn’t know that I had bongos.

 Richard Feynman played the bongos. I thought I’d give that a try.

 Penny meant if he were a purple leprechaun. Penny forgot to use the subjunctive.

 Maybe, maybe not. Maybe tomorrow I start a bongo band and tour the world.

 Roommate agreement? Are you kidding? We are living in a world of chaos. Roommate agreement.

 Wherever the music takes me, kitten. I play bongos walking down the stairs. (Sound of falling) Oh! Oh! Never play bongos walking down the stairs.

 Penny, you’re not trained. You’re not licensed. Most importantly, you don’t have access to my haircut records.

 At the end of the haircut, Mr. D’Onofrio would tell me a dirty joke.

 Hmm, well, it’s a little Hollywood. But I think I can pull it off. Well done, Penny.

 Movies or video games? Or board game? Or trading card games? Or Lego’s? Or dress up? Or comic books? Or dramatic readings of novelizations? Yes to all!

 Amy, the relationship agreement was not designed for either one of us to get our way.

 I use it to get the right way. The fact that the right way is also my way is a happy coincidence.

 Yeah, well, who wants to spend the whole weekend, running around a bunch of pretend planets battling made up monsters. That’s for babies.

 Yes. I’m attending a party this weekend, for a 93-year-old woman. Can you recommend a gift?

 Well, she’d just look silly wearing that without the rest of the costume.

 Oh, it’s not your fault. I’ve been to the model train store. I’ve been to Radio Shack. This woman is impossible to shop for.

 No, Leonard, go ahead and mock. Like my daddy always said, Shelly, women aren’t anything but flippin’ pains in the bottom.

 Well, I took out the bad words and the yeehaw, but you get the gist.

 Yeah, I always thought if I were ever enslaved, it would be by an advanced species from another planet, not some hotsy-totsy from Glendale.

 You’re right. I’m smart as a whip. I should be able to figure this out.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Penny!

 Now that you’re in my debt, please manipulate Amy into releasing me from my commitment to attend her aunt’s tedious birthday party.

 All right. I thought the candy might not be enough so let me up the ante. These are Cooper Coupons. These are for various things I can do for you. Um, oh, this one is for one free grammar check. Uh, you could use it for emails, letters, tattoos, what have you. Um, oh, this is fun one. This is an afternoon with me at the California Science Center, where I point out their mistakes.

 Oh, come on. It’s just a simple favour. Now, when’s the last time I asked you to do something for me?

 When is the last time I asked you to do something that wasn’t a medical emergency?

 I’m going to run around outside with a wet head and try to catch a cold.

 Yes. I decided to find a way that I could have this experience and enjoy it.

 Oh, don’t thank me. Thank wireless technology. I realized, I can go to your aunt’s awful party and still spend the whole day gaming with my friends.

 Oh, I got that covered. Headset. I won’t hear a word the old geezers are saying.

 Thanks. Ooh, listen, I wouldn’t mind a piece of birthday cake, provided the old gal’s candle blow is clean and dry.

 Gentlemen, the game offers us a choice between playing for the Republic and the light side, or the Sith Empire and the dark side.

 Those women are prostitutes? You said they were raising money for stem cell research.

 Dr. Rostenkowski, it may interest you to know that saying pew, pew, pew isn’t as effective as pressing your blaster key. In the same way that saying whee doesn’t make the land speeder go.

 That is the most sickeningly sweet thing I have ever experienced. And I am sipping Kool-Aid through a Red Vine.

 I think I understand. You’re the one person who can say Sheldon Cooper is your boyfriend, but that rings hollow if you can’t lord him over others in the flesh. I forget what I bring to the party and what I take away when I leave. Please accept these valuable Cooper Coupons as restitution.

 Well played, Amy Farrah Fowler. Let me get my coat. (Whip sound) Oh, grow up, Leonard.

 Oh, that’s very kind of you. Next time I have a hankering to wash down a D cell battery with a jar of old pickle juice, I’ll come a-knocking.

 Yeah, I hate wedding receptions. I wish the bride and groom would take a cue from Bilbo Baggins, slip on the ring, disappear and everyone goes home.

 They had a make your own sundae bar. Ooh, that was a night to remember. Do you know, on the one trip, I just had a bowl of nuts.

 Well you should. 50% of marriages end in divorce, but 100% of make your own sundae bars end in happiness.

 Oh, that was no joke. But I understand your confusion as I am our group’s resident cut-up.

 Ah! A vintage, mint in box, 1975 Mego Star Trek transporter with real transporter action. Hot-darn!

 Look, it was actually designed for my vintage Mr Spock action figure.

 Fascinating. The only logical explanation is that this is a dream.

 Oh, of course. Set phasers to dumb, right? (Wakes up in bed) Goody, goody, goody. This is wrong. This is wrong. I’m so excited, but this is wrong. I’m gonna do it. I’m doing it. I did it. Oh, that’s what I always thought 1975 smelled like. One to beam down Mr Scott. Aye, aye, Mr Spock. Energise. (Spins toy). Energise. (Tries to spin toy. It sticks. Tries to get Spock out and toy falls apart.) Don’t be broken. Please don’t be broken. (To Spock toy) What did you make me do? Okay, okay, think. (Sees Leonard’s toy) It’s only logical.

 No. If I got on the bridge of the Enterprise, I would never, ever leave.

 Why? I got away with it. Leonard has his toy, and he’s never going to open it, so he won’t know it’s broken. And I have a toy that isn’t broken. Everybody’s happy.

 You know what you are? Well, you’re a green blooded buzzkill. Perhaps it’s time you beam on out of here.

 Very well. Cooper to Enterprise, one to beam up. Energise. (Throws Spock away. Get’s attacked by a Gorn. Wakes up.) Ah. Tiny Spock. Help.

 Perhaps you should look with your eyes, and not your muscular Nebraska man-hands.

 My problem is that I don’t want you to break Leonard’s toy, which you probably did by shaking it. She shook it. We all saw her.

 Yes. Yes, he did, that is a perfectly satisfying and plausible explanation. Yeah, let’s all be mad at Stuart.

 Wait. It was me. I opened your toy, discovered it was broken and didn’t tell you.

 I didn’t. That was a lie. I opened my own toy. And it was already broken so I switched them.

 I can’t because that was a lie. Yours was broken in an earthquake. And that’s a lie.

 My Mr Spock doll came to me in a dream and forced me to open it. And when the toy broke I switched it for yours. Later he encouraged me to do the right thing and I defied him. And then I was attacked by a Gorn.

 Leonard, Penny, I just, I want you both to know that I regret my actions toward the two of you. That’s a lie.

 Okay. Leonard, even though I don’t have one any more, I hope you have fun playing with it.

 Leonard, do you recall when I said that I was going to revolutionize humanity’s understanding of the Higgs boson particle, and you said, Sheldon, it’s two a.m., get out of my bedroom?

 Well, I believe I’ve done it. And I’m only saying believe to sound modest, because, sweet Sam Houston, I did it.

 Oh, okay, let me see this. All right, so this particle here is the boson moving forward in time. Now, I was thinking… Howard, you go ahead and eat. This isn’t going to make any sense to you.

 Howard, please. This is Stephen Hawking. Perhaps my only intellectual equal.

 Try to put yourself in my place. Imagine you’re the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but dogs. And then it turns out there’s another human being.

 Yeah, okay, I can see you’re going to take this the wrong way. Let me try again. Imagine you’re the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but chimps.

 Oh, now they’re so much smarter than dogs. Have you seen them on those little bicycles?

 Do you understand how important Hawking is to me? When I was six years old, I dressed up as him for Halloween.

 No, sir, no, I took my dad’s desk chair, attached a Speak & Spell to it and made my sister push me up and down the block to trick or treat. Granted most people thought I was R2-D2, but still, I got a lot of candy.

 Okay, look, how about this? Just give him my paper on the Higgs boson. If he sees the incredible breakthrough I’ve made, he’ll reach out to me.

 Hey, fellas, I’m thinking about making some freshly brewed iced tea if anyone would like some.

 Oh. By all means. When I was a boy, I would polish my Mee-Maw’s silver. And she would entertain me with stories about growing up in Oklahoma. Interesting woman. You know, she once killed a prairie dog with a gravy boat.

 You make sissy on your belt buckles? Mee-Maw’s forks never had that.

 Oh, I-I buffed them with Turtle Wax. The man down at Pep Boys says from now on, the urine should just bead up and roll right off.

 My Mee-Maw must never know of this. Now will you give Professor Hawking my paper?

 Because if I don’t, he won’t give my paper to Stephen Hawking. He’s a famous physicist.

 Because he’s punishing me for being a, quote, condescending jerk. You don’t think I’m condescending, do you?

 Au contraire. When I correct people I am raising them up. You should know, I do it for you more than anyone.

 I want you to tell me that Howard is being mean to me for no reason.

 I did it. Had to go to three clothing stores, but we finally found a dress that could envelop your mother.

 Humorous. Now will you please present my paper to Professor Hawking?

 Oh, for heaven’s sake. I did your laundry, I pee-pee-proofed your belt buckles, I, I even sprained my wrist helping your mother lift her bosom.

 Oh, I understand the confusion. I have never said that you are not good at what you do. It’s just that what you do is not worth doing.

 All right, then. Thank you, Howard. Please let Professor Hawking know that I’m available at his earliest convenience.

 No, no, th-th-th-that can’t be right. I-I don’t make arithmetic mistakes.

 Oh, no, no, no, of course not. It’s just, I was thinking… Oh, gosh, golly, I made a boo-boo, and I gave it to Stephen Hawking.

 Clever, but also wrong. No, the best organism for human beings to merge with is the lichen itself. That way, you’d be human, fungus, and algae. Triple threat. Like three-bean salad.

 All right, picture this, a beautiful outdoor concert. Now, as a human, I appreciate Beethoven. As a fungus, I have a terrific view, growing out of a towering maple tree. And no thank you, expensive concessions. Because as an algae, I’ll just snack on this sunlight.

 Well, seems like a bit of a let down after our lichen conversation, but, what do you know, you’re half swan.

 It’s not bad. Unless you compare it to a train; then it stinks.

 Indeed. If I’m to participate in the social convention that is the stag night, then I must embrace all its components, including tobacco, swear words, and yes, alcohol. Jeepers! That’s yucky.

 I’m confused. I thought since our reconciliation, I was your friend in this group.

 Yeah, I do. (All groan). As is the tradition, I have prepared a series of disrespectful jokes which generate humour at Howard’s expense. Prepare to have your ribs tickled. Howard, I always thought you’d be the last one of us to ever get married, because you are so short and unappealing. Am I right? Let’s see here. Oh, seriously though, Howard, you’re actually one of the most intelligent people I know. And that’s a zinger, because you’re not. I’ve always thought that you’d make someone a fine husband someday. Assuming you’d be able to get the parts, and develop the engineering skills to assemble them, which I don’t see as likely. Hacha! Okay, let me see here. Okay, kidding aside, Howard, you are a good friend. And I wish you nothing but happiness. Bazinga, I don’t!

 And the first woman you ever disappointed sexually. Ba-da-bazinga!

 You’re upset. The convention is to bring an upset person a hot beverage.

 Chicken broth. It seemed culturally appropriate. Also, there was a single cube of chicken bouillon in the cupboard when I moved in and it’s been bothering me for the last eight years. So, as they say, two birds.

 Leonard, these rental tuxedos have been worn by hundreds of sweaty strangers. I don’t like my own sweat touching my skin, how do you think I feel about theirs?

 A little. But not more than your urethras will be after whatever’s in those pants swims up them. Well, I cut quite the dashing, yet hygienic figure, don’t I? I look like the Flash about to get married. Oh! A tissue! A tissue! Oh, good Lord!

 It’s not an accident. I waited outside your door for twenty minutes.

 I must say, I was surprised you chose to spend our date night in your apartment. As I mentioned, the Pasadena City Council is debating longer crosswalk times, and later, the LEGO store is having a midnight madness sale. You ask anyone, that’s a hot date.

 What can be more special than having an adequate amount of time to cross the street on your way to buy a tiny LEGO Indiana Jones?

 Oh, dear Lord. Two years ago, we didn’t even know each other, and now I’m in your apartment after dark. How much faster can this thing go?

 And how do you propose to do that? Uh, hope you’re not thinking about some sort of LSD thought control. Because there’s only one mind-expanding drug that this man enjoys, and that’s called school.

 Well, seems what’s on the menu tonight is malarkey with a big side of poppycock.

 I see what you’re doing. You’re attempting to build on the work of Ebbinghaus by triggering an involuntary memory of me playing that game, admittedly the happiest 600 hours of my childhood, but it won’t work.

 I love strawberry Quik. It’s my favourite pink fluid, narrowly beating out Pepto-Bismol.

 No, I’m having a relationship problem with Amy. And by the way, that book gave me nightmares.

 Look at us, Leonard, engaging in the social convention of men bellyaching about their ol’ ladies.

 Believe it or not, Amy has embarked on a campaign to increase my feelings for her by making me happy.

 It’s awful. This morning, she arranged for me to be an Amtrak junior conductor for the day. It, it’s usually only open to children. She got them to make an exception.

 I know. And it gets worse. Her efforts are causing me to have affectionate feelings for her at inappropriate times.

 No! Would you please stop referencing that infernal book? For example, this morning, I was calculating the random motion of virtual particles in a vacuum, when suddenly the particles morphed into an image of Amy’s dandruff gently cascading down onto her pale, slightly hunched shoulders. Oh, what has that vixen done to me, Leonard? And how do I make it stop?

 So, that’s how this works? I complain, and then you complain, and no one offers any solutions?

 289, right between the Game Show Network at 288 and the East coast feed of the Disney Channel on 290.

 Dried potatoes, vegetable oil, corn flower, wheat starch, maltodextrin, salt, and my favourite ingredient of all, uniformity.

 Remarkable. In just under a half hour, 200 metric tons of fuel will ignite in a controlled explosion right beneath Howard’s keister. And all from a country whose entire contribution to the global economy, has been Tetris and mail-order brides.

 Thank you for the invitation, but I have to decline because it doesn’t sound like something I’ll enjoy.

 That’s what you said about The Green Lantern movie. You were 114 minutes of wrong.

 It does, indeed. Leonard, is it awkward being here with Penny given that you recently proposed to her?

 While a thoughtful gift, this comic book in this condition is worth at least a hundred dollars.

 I bought you and Bernadette a gravy boat worth eighty-eight dollars. Which places me in your debt and I can’t be in your debt because someday you might ask me to help you move, or to kill a man.

 Well, what if it’s his only way out? I can’t risk it. Here is twelve dollars. Now, we’re even. Wait, wait, wait, I bought a card. Give me two dollars. And for the record, this is why I hate gift-giving.

 I think the Reverend Hofstadter is making an ironic connection between your statement about love and your rejection of his proposal in the bedroom.

 Would you like some aloe vera? You just got burned. All right, my turn. Howard, Bernadette. Daq tu’ taH Daq yIn tlhej ghajtaH.

 Fine, I’ll do it in English, but it loses something. The need to find another human being to share one’s life with has always puzzled me. Maybe because I’m so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may you find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own. The Klingon would have made you cry.

 I must admit, I can’t help but feel a twinge of envy. He can look out the window and see the majesty of the universe unfolding before his eyes. His dim, uncomprehending eyes. It’s like a cat in an airport carrying case.

 You don’t even know what it is, do you? The anthropic principle states that if we wish to explain why our universe exists the way it does, the answer is that it must have qualities that allow intelligent creatures to arise who are capable of asking the question. As I am doing so eloquently right now.

 Of course. I just explained it to you. Now, where do you stand on it?

 Yeah, wait, Raj, where do you stand on the anthropic principle?

 Oh, Leonard. Let’s not take a saw to the branch we’re sitting on, shall we?

 As I’ve stated before on numerous occasions, the only sea creature I would even consider being eaten by is the Kraken, because the last words I would hear are “Release the Kraken.” That never gets old. “Release the Kraken!” Oh, chills. Besides, I’m having dinner with Amy.

 Oh, absolutely. I have a contractual obligation to provide Amy with conversation and casual physical contact, but nowhere is it specified that I can’t outsource that to an Indian.

 Oh, I hope that’s a rhetorical question, because I have no clue.

 All right. Please. Amy, when I look in your eyes and you’re looking back in mine, everything feels not quite normal, because I feel stronger and weaker at the same time. I feel excited and, at the same time, terrified. The truth is, I don’t know what I feel, except I know what kind of man I want to be.

 2311 North Los Robles Avenue, Pasadena, California to International Space Station. Can you read me? Over. (Makes static noise)

 I am talking to a man in space. If you don’t have the (static noise) then he might as well be at the Coffee Bean over on Lake Street.

 That’s a negative. My mother had me tested. Over. (Static noise)

 That’s mighty sassy for a man with a roommate performance review around the corner.

 The big deal is I was expecting us to be an intimate group of five. Now, we’re going to be a faceless mass of six.

 Well, it’s hardly my business what you eat, as long as it doesn’t crunch during the film and it’s Raisinets.

 Yuh-uh, one more question, if you’re going to replace Wolowitz, I need to know a little more about you.

 Yeah, of course you do. You’re a girl. You like all kinds of hippy-dippy things.

 So, if she wants to end her pair-bond with Leonard, why on earth would she guzzle a witches’ brew of his soda and spit?

 String theory is complicated. That’s just yucky. Don’t get any ideas. All right, for the sake of argument, let’s say that’s true. Why doesn’t Penny just end the relationship?

 How can she not be sure how she feels? You know, when I have a feeling, I know it. Trains? Love them. Swordfish? I love them, too. They’re fish with a sword for a nose.

 Now you’re asking me to keep a secret from my best friend, colleague, and roommate?

 Uh, fine. FYI, secret-keeping? Hate it. Hand-holding? Not a fan. Hammerhead shark? I love that thing. Yeah, it’s another fish with a tool on its head.

 Shh, we’re trying to watch the movie. This is not working out with him.

 I think I might have tartar buildup. My tongue won’t go as far forward as it used to.

 Thank you. I appreciate that. You’re good people, Leonard. There’s something I need to tell you.

 I can’t tell you why I can’t tell you. So I guess there’s two things I can’t tell you.

 Leonard, the Transformers teach us that things are not always what they appear to be. You know, like, uh, a semi truck might be an alien robot, or, uh, someone in a romantic relationship, uh, might feel differently than they appear to. Or a conversation about The Transformers might actually be about someone in this room. I’m going to pause to let that sink in.

 Yeah, well, I knocked on the front door, but you didn’t hear it.

 Yeah, really? I’ve seen strange men traipsing in and out of here for years, but when I do it, it’s weird?

 Oh, I was having a little trouble sleeping and I just thought, uh, seeing as you’re up, we could talk.

 Oh, I don’t know, uh, weather, uh, fish you could do carpentry with, why Leonard is such an attractive and desirable boyfriend. Yeah, pick one, your choice.

 Did you know that Leonard has a perfect driving record and enjoys the insurance discounts that go along with that? Hubba-hubba.

 Yeah. Did you know that while Leonard is not considered a tall fellow in our country, in today’s North Korea, he’s downright average. Hey, talk about a keeper.

 Oh, very well. I can’t keep up this clever charade any longer. She told me that you were thinking of ending it with Leonard.

 Excuse me. This is not about protecting my friend. I’m a big fan of homeostasis. Do you know what that is?

 Homeostasis refers to a system’s ability to regulate its internal environment and maintain a constant condition of properties like temperature or pH.

 My point is I don’t like when things change. So, regardless of your feelings, I would like you to continue dating Leonard. And also, while we’re on the subject, you recently changed your shampoo. I’m not comfortable with the new scent. Please stop this madness and go back to green apple.

 Thank you. Coconut? What were you thinking? Are you a hula girl?

 Yeah, just a heads-up: Penny knows that you blabbed about Leonard. She’s pretty mad.

 Fairy God Monster, I win. Your desperate need for friendship makes you weak.

 Yeah, for now. But that woman has a death wish, Leonard. She talks to strangers, she pets unfamiliar dogs, and it is ridiculously easy to break into her apartment. If I were you, I’d get a back-up.

 Do you remember how upset I was when they replaced Edward Norton as the Hulk?

 But, then Mark Ruffalo was the Hulk in The Avengers, and he was even better.

 Call me a romantic. I like to think that your Mark Ruffalo is still out there somewhere.

 Yeah, settle down there, fake Wolowitz. No one likes a kiss-up.

 Yeah. And forgive my crude penmanship. I didn’t start typing until I was six.

 There are some charts in the back where I kept track of shape, colour and consistency.

 Nice try. Now, in 1964, Dr. Peter Higgs, accomplished self-promoter and physicist, he wrote a paper postulating the existence of a subatomic particle called the Higgs boson. Now, initially the paper was rejected, but recently, he was proven right, and now he’s on the fast track to win a Nobel prize.

 Yeah, the point is Higgs is being celebrated for work he did 50 years ago, so that got me thinking, perhaps I’ve already hit upon the idea that will win me my Nobel prize.

 Well, this box only covers my work through nursery school. There’s a good deal more to come. I didn’t really hit my academic stride until I cut out that time-suck known as playing outdoors.

 That’s a good point. My time is much too valuable. You know, perhaps I should find someone to do it for me. You know, someone with a rudimentary understanding of science, but whose real talents lie in menial labour.

 Well, if I didn’t think you could handle it, I wouldn’t be asking.

 You, really? You can assess the quality of my work? Okay, um, here. I wrote this when I was five years old.

 Now, are you sure? Everyone’s smoking them. I think they’re the best.

 Excellent, yeah. That was a ruse. They’re not the best. Physics is the best. And by the way, coffee was also an unacceptable choice. All right, so I see here you’re from Des Moines, Iowa. Uh, you’re summa cum laude in theoretical physics from Stanford University. Oh, and two years ago, you had a persistent ear infection. I hope that didn’t cause any hearing loss.

 I did a comprehensive background check. Medical records, credit reports, criminal history. (Hiding mouth behind book)  I trust you paid off those parking tickets.

 Yeah, please reserve chitchat for your breaks, Ms. Jenson. FYI, there will be no breaks.

 Oh, in fact, she has. Uh, her exact words were, what is that guy’s problem?

 It’s all right, Alex. I’m not mad at you, I’m just disappointed.

 Uh, Alex, a moment. I need a word with Dr. Hofstadter. Do you think it’s appropriate for her to sit with us, given her station?

 If I’ve learned anything from British television shows on PBS, it’s that servants dine downstairs with their own kind.

 It’s a kindness, Leonard. Otherwise, you’re cruelly tempting them with a glimpse of a world that’s just beyond their soot-stained fingertips.

 I believe Alex may have unearthed the grade school science project that could be my ticket to the Nobel Prize. Behold.

 The original title was “A Rederivation of Maxwell’s Equations Regarding Electromagnetism”” I dumbed it down because some of the more religious people in town were starting to say I was a witch.

 Yeah, you had a good run, Fake Wolowitz. We’ll remember you with nostalgic fondness, the way we do the dial-up modem, the VHS tape, or, or Leonard’s gym membership.

 Okay, one vote for, one vote against. Leonard, you’re the tiebreaker.

 Yes, it’s just that in all the years I’ve known him, he’s never had the opportunity to receive my admiration. I was excited to see the look on his face when it finally happened.

 Oh, that hardly seems fair. But I guess any team that I’m not on has a decided disadvantage.

 It’s not a present, it’s the present. Look. There’s you and me. There’s Penny and Amy. We’re playing Pictionary. In the present.

 It’s an observational rebuttal of the Lambda-CDM model of the universe.

 Hey, if you want someone to guess chocolate chip cookie, you draw a glass of milk next to it.

 Yeah, only after I eliminated all the obvious answers. You’re welcome.

 Wait, no, no. No. The word is Polish. See, look. Polish sausage. And the, the model of the solar system developed by Nicolaus Copernicus, a Polish astronomer. And then, finally, if that wasn’t enough, which it should have been, this is Madame Curie killing herself by discovering radium, who, although she was a naturalized French citizen, was Polish by birth.

 I am not a loser. Pictionary is not a true test of any real intelligence or skill.

 Lot of big talk from a man who can’t draw a chocolate chip cookie.

 It’s a game that I just invented, in which the participants answer physics questions in remedial Spanish. Um, ¿Dónde está el boson de Higgs?

 All games are made up. They’re not found in nature. You don’t just dig in the ground, come across a rich vein of Rock’em Sock’em Robots.

 That is true. I have a higher than normal body density. If I run too deep a bath, I drown.

 Darts is a bar game. You’ve been frequenting drinking establishments since you were of legal age.

 Well, regardless, she has a distinct advantage in all tavern-based competitions. Pool, beer pong, wet T-shirt contests, they’re all out.

 For goodness’ sake, he’s wearing a hat, glasses, and a red striped shirt.

 Amy, do something. Amy, help. Amy, stop that. Amy, Penny, both of you, stop it.

 Wait. I’m a little concerned. Blueberries are rich in antioxidants.

 So, with all those antioxidants, what if I run out of oxidants?

 For the record, he also thinks the Walgreens and the dry cleaners are out of this world.

 Interesting hypothesis. Let’s apply the scientific method, perform an experiment.

 It’s fascinating. Let me see if I can duplicate the result. Howard, I’ve always thought the lemon was an underrated fruit. Care to weigh in?

 Oh, oh, on the contrary. Couples costumes are one of the few benefits of being in a relationship. Now imagine this, you and I entering Stuart’s party and all eyes turn to see America’s most beloved and glamorous couple.

 Okay, I’m gonna let that slide because I know you’re hopped up on tea bags.

 Fine. How about one of the most beguiling and influential couples of the 20th century? Hewlett and Packard. Dibs on Hewlett. What? You want to be Hewlett?

 I’m sorry, but these are just ordinary foods with the names bent into tortured puns. The dishes themselves are in no way Halloweenie.

 A Tardis makes no sense. It’s a time machine from a science-fiction show. It has nothing to do with Halloween. That being said, if you don’t get a Tardis, you stink and your party stinks.

 We seem to have different approaches here. I was going for helpful honesty. I have no idea what you’re doing.

 Okay. If you think being nice will get him to shut up, I’ll try it.

 No, I don’t think so. Those dolls represent three things I do not care for, clowns, children and raggediness. I think it’s a lost cause.

 Earlier today, I invited Professor Stephen Hawking to join me in the popular online game Words with Friends. Moments ago, he accepted my request. Do you understand what that means?

 I’ll walk you through it. The game is not called Words with Strangers. No, it’s not even called Words with Acquaintances. It is called Words with…

 Friends! It’s Words with Friends! Which Stephen Hawking and I officially are. Now all I need is a bunk bed with a slide, I’ll have everything I’ve ever wanted since I was six years old.

 And I’m happy for you, too. You are now friends with someone who is officially friends with Stephen Hawking. Enjoy it, boys. You may have peaked.

 And if they ever come out with a game called Words with People You Once Worked With, you’ll be off to the races.

 Hold that thought! Professor Hawking has made a move. Boy, oh, boy. Oh, it’s only a matter of time before we’re coming up with fun nicknames for each other. I’ll be Coop. He’ll be Wheels. If he’s okay with that. (Leaves)

 It is glorious. One of the greatest intellects of our time has agreed to engage with me in a gentlemanly battle of wits. And I’m spanking him so hard his grad students won’t be able to sit down.

 Ooh, my friend Stephen just played the word act for 18 points. That’s right, I call him Stephen now, because I checked, and he was not okay with Wheels.

 Amy. Why would you give me a word? Now, if I play extract it would be cheating.

 Although, I could play the completely unrelated and better word extract (pronounced with emphasis on ex). Ethical conundrum avoided. Thanks, brain.

 It’s been three days. Why hasn’t Stephen Hawking played a word?

 Not challenging? I was humiliating the man. I was thinking of writing a book called A Brief History of the Time I Made Stephen Hawking Cry Like a Little Girl.

 Trying to use a Jedi mind trick to control Stephen Hawking. Play. Play. Ugh! He must be wearing a tinfoil hat or something.

 Then suffer in silence. Play. Play. Play. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking.

 I was beating him so bad, he doesn’t want to be friends anymore. Why does everyone love me except Stephen Hawking?

 I humiliated Stephen Hawking in a game of Words with Friends. He stopped playing, and now we’re not friends anymore.

 Hmm. Beats me. Now, I know Hawking’s not busy because I can see he’s playing other people right now.

 Wolowitz told me he’s a big baby. But I didn’t know that, and I played extract for 82 points. It’s all Amy’s fault. She told me to play it. I have got to cut her loose.

 Leonard, wait. No. I listened to your dumb thing. Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back.

 How can it be okay? Stephen Hawking’s a genius and he talks like a robot. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.

 You’re right. I guess I just have to make lemonade out of the two of you. He played! He played! Coop and Rolling Thunder are together again. He was okay with that nickname.

 Yeah, way ahead of you. I will play the word at for two measly points, throwing the game and thus securing my friendship with the smartest man in the world.

 Oh, but if I do, I’ll be a phony, a sellout, a Hollywood poser.

 I won’t. This feels right. My mother always said, to thine own self be true.

 ‘Course she also told me that every animal in the world got on one boat, so what does she know? And send.

 Yes, congratulations. You won fair and square. Uh, very impressive, sir.

 It’s true. In 1982, Wil played the voice of Martin the mouse in The Secret of NIMH. You moved me.

 Oh, none that I could see. I saw a man who loved flags almost as much as I do. I got goose bumps.

 Well, you’re my girlfriend and I don’t want you to be upset. Then again, Wil Wheaton’s my friend and I don’t want him to be upset. Hmm, this is a sticky wicket. (To Wil) What do you think?

 Amy, I can’t just ask Wil Wheaton to leave. He’s a minor celebrity. Once you explain who he is, many people recognize him.

 Could you? That would solve everything. You are the best. I’ll see you at dinner tonight?

 I was out raising heck with Mr. Wil Wheaton. Four hours more and we would have closed down the HomeTown Buffet.

 Yeah, I did, but then Wil called Amy a pain in the A-S-S. She got huffy and left, then Wil and I headed out to dinner. That place really did remind me of my hometown. Because there we also have a HomeTown Buffet.

 Enjoyed a delightful dinner at a reasonable price. The manager recognized Wil and let us sit right next to the frozen yoghurt machine. Right next to it. I was closer to it than I am to you right now.

 You’re just repeating what I said. It’s like living with a lactose-intolerant parrot.

 Fine. It’s a shame you didn’t go to dinner with us, because the buffet you’re about to enjoy only serves humble pie, a dessert much less tasty than frozen yoghurt. I was this close.

 You’ll appreciate this. Leonard has some ridiculous notion that you’re mad at me. Tell him you’re not mad at me. Go ahead, set him straight.

 Hmm. Eat one of your Luna bars. Very often when women think they’re angry, they’re really just hungry.

 Precisely, I didn’t do anything. Now does someone feel like checking her emotional math?

 I’ve been thinking about what happened, and I hope this gift will make things better.

 First of all, you’re welcome. And furthermore, not being familiar with Wil Wheaton’s body of work, there was no way for you to know you were being rude to a national treasure. Get ready for 130 hours of I told you so. (She hands him back the DVDs and slams the door) Fine. I’ll just tell you what happens. Episode one, Encounter at Farpoint. Fade in. The new Enterprise heads out on its maiden voyage to contact the Bandi people of Deneb IV. Enter Wesley Crusher, played by my buddy… (Amy opens door, grabs DVDs, slams door again) She’s hooked.

 Penny, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to have a conversation about girls.

 Penny, please, I’m on the horns of a relationship dilemma. And for the record, I had a full pubis of hair by the time I was 19.

 Well, it’s been a rough day. I usually go chamomile tea, but I don’t think that’s going to cut it.

 The trouble isn’t with me, Penny, it’s with your gender. Someday, scientists will discover that second X chromosome contains nothing but nonsense and twaddle.

 It’s a Band-Aid at best. See, the core problem is that Amy and Wil do not like each other. Which is baffling because they’re both crazy about me. And I like them, which indicates they’re bright and interesting and/or were on Star Trek.

 Not true. Leonard made me like you. And let me tell you, that was a hard row to hoe. Cheers, pal. Ooh. Boy, that is a treat that’s hard to beat. Get the Mad Hatter on the horn, I’m having a tea party.

 Penny, please, I think I’ve evolved beyond my simple rustic upbringing.

 On the other hand, that low-down polecat done wronged my woman.

 Amy deserves better. You know, when we buy the Planter’s deluxe mix, she eats all the Brazil nuts so I don’t have to look at them. She’s a unique blend of saint and squirrel.

 You insulted my woman. I’m here to defend her honour. Two! It was two. (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! Now prepare yourself for what may come.

 My fists are not up here because I’m milking a giant invisible cow. They’re up to beat an apology out of you.

 You’re asking a lot of questions, Wil Wheaton. As a matter of idle curiosity, which of your shrubberies do you feel would benefit from a thorough vomiting? Never mind, I’ll choose. (Vomits) You were so good in Stand by Me.

 I don’t know what she’s talking about, but I’m obligated to agree with her. She’s my girlfriend.

 It’s a hypothetical containment field for a Frisbee-sized wormhole that could serve as a portal to a parallel universe.

 It’s a Frisbee-sized wormhole, Leonard. You can block it with a Frisbee. Calm down. (Hands Howard the napkin)

 Oh, I don’t know. I mean, statistically speaking, I’m sure you have something to worry about.

 Well, if we assume your looks are average, yeah, right off the bat, fifty percent of men on Earth are more attractive than you. That’s one point five billion handsome lads standing by, waiting to rain on your parade.

 Not height, vision, athleticism, or ability to digest dairy products.

 I’m not saying you don’t have attractive qualities. Your choice of friends is impeccable, you’re a good sleeper, and last but not least, you buy the grapes I like. You’re a real catch compared to some snoring guy with a fridge full of lousy grapes.

 While unlikely, it’s still a statistical possibility. She might be performing sexual acts with him and not even know it.

 Am I? The mind’s a mysterious thing, Leonard. He could be having the time of his life while she thinks she’s a chicken pecking for corn.

 The first forty-three parallel universes I’ve checked proved to be empty. I see no reason to suspect universe number forty-four will be any different. (Puts his head in the wormhole)

 Sorry? You may not realize it, but I have difficulty navigating certain aspects of daily life. You know, understanding sarcasm, feigning interest in others, not talking about trains as much as I want to. It’s exhausting. Which is why, for twenty minutes a day, I like to go down to that room, turn my mind off and do what I need to do to recharge.

 You don’t need to know, you don’t deserve to know, and you will never know.

 If a zombie bites you, you turn into a zombie. However, if a mummy bites you, all you turn into is some schmo with a mummy bite. So, like a zombie, that’s been eaten from the waist down, you, sir, have no leg to stand on.

 Well, I’m not using my nipples, either. Maybe they should reassign those.

 I don’t want another parking space. I want my parking space. It’s perfect. It’s a corner spot, cutting the risk of door-dings in half. It’s a mere 28 steps from the building entrance. The nearby tree provides shade on hot days and is also home to a delightful squirrel. Which is fortuitous because most squirrels are real jerks.

 Don’t try to change the subject. This is about a parking space. It has nothing to do with cars.

 I always listen to myself. It’s one of the great joys of my life. Now, get your car out of my spot.

 Yeah, that was five weeks ago. How much longer is he gonna milk that cow?

 No, no, this is a slippery slope, Leonard. It starts with a parking space, where does it end? It’s like my dad always said, first they say you can’t drink and drive, next thing you know, you can’t let your 10-year-old take the wheel while you sleep one off in the backseat.

 Leonard, you’re my best friend. Why don’t you ever take my side?

 Oh, that. Well, see, I wanted it, and you weren’t using it. Apparently, those are the rules we live by now. Payback, it truly is the B word, isn’t it?

 I’d love to help you out, but unfortunately (puts helmet on), I’m using it.

 Go ahead. That’s the only doctorate you’ll ever get. It smells funny in here.

 Well, I’m not giving it away. (Enters apartment. Howard is sitting naked in his spot with a laptop on his lap)

 He’s in my spot. Leonard, make him stop being naked in my spot.

 Keep a lookout. This place is swarming with campus security. They will not hesitate to scold us.

 Oh, yeah. Okay, now, pull your car into the spot and let’s get out of here.

 Yes, and be sure and put on the emergency brake. Really makes these things tough to budge.

 I think you’re high on paint fumes. And boy, that’s a lot of Band-Aids.

 Actually, I have a plastic baggy strapped to my leg that says I can. Give up, Wolowitz. You’ve chosen to tangle with a superior intellect you can’t defeat. There is nothing you could possibly do to… (Howard starts sounding his horn. Sheldon puts on earphones)

 Your threats are empty, nothing can move me. (Howard starts pushing his chair with the front of the car) Stop that.

 No. That’s it. I am calling campus security. You prepare for the scolding of your life.

 He’s trying to kill me, Leonard. Video games and rock music have desensitized him to violence.

 Oh, preposterous. I have been solely responsible for this university’s six loop quantum gravity calculations, I have changed the way we think about Bose-Einstein condensates, and I am also the one who got Nutter Butters in the cafeteria vending machine. Maybe you missed that news while you were floating around like a goof in outer space. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.

 Oh, of course, come in. (Raj opens door to reveal Howard) This is an authentic Chinese throwing star, and I must warn you, I have seen many people throw them in movies.

 Well, Howard, thank you. It’s quite a gesture on your part. You’ve shown yourself to be the bigger man.

 Which I find totally unacceptable. I must be the bigger man. Therefore, you may use my spot until such time as I learn to drive or get a Batmobile.

 There is nothing to say. Except I’m the bigger man. I’m not kidding. Say it.

 Oh, stop. And I believe this is yours. FYI, if you wear that into a bank, they will tackle you to the ground.

 Yes. According to information I gleaned from Yelp, you had great success when a santeriasuzy37 brought you a pair of leather slacks stained with chicken blood. I believe I may have a similar problem. This cushion experienced a nude revenge wiggle.

 A naked man sat on it. Now, here’s my concern, his diet is rich in fatty deli meats. What test do you have to detect lipid residue?

 Lipid residue. An anal autograph. A colon calling card, if you will.

 Don’t rush it. We may be dealing with befoulment on a molecular level.

 Looks like that laptop’s seen better days. If you’re interested, I’m selling this. It’s only two years old, 16 gigabytes of RAM, Intel core i7 processor, and I can personally guarantee it has spent less than 20 minutes resting on an astronaut’s penis.

 It is, right behind do-do-do-do-do Inspector Gadget., and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, heroes in a half-shell.

 However, the Spider-Man lyrics posit that Spider-Man, Spider-Man does whatever a spider can.

 I can think of many things Spider-Man can’t do that a spider can. One, crawl in your ear and die. Two, legally leave Guatemala without a passport. Three, have sex with a spider.

 You know what I like to do when I’m forced to speak with those beneath my intellectual station? I bring up an interesting topic, like the difference between Spider-Man and spiders.

 No, you can’t use that one. That’s mine. Uh, try this one for an ice-breaker. Uh, despite popular lore, there is no place in the continental United States, Alaska or Hawaii from which one can dig straight through the centre of the earth and come up in China.

 Actually, you can’t have that one either. It’s too good. Sorry.

 Sadly, yes. Amy’s taking me to a memorial service. It’s for one of her colleagues who is of Asian descent, so my planned conversational gambit is to casually remark that no matter how deep they dig his grave, he’ll never make his way back to China.

 I’m not allowed to wear my Silver Surfer neck tie, but you can wear a bathrobe?

 Oh, no, I see the confusion. No, the intent behind that clause was to force you to take care of me when I’m ill. When you’re feeling better, you’ll think that’s funny.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. I made a commitment in writing to comfort you in times like this. Additionally, you are my girlfriend, and I care about your well-being.

 I’m sorry. I just want you to get better as soon as possible. And with that goal in mind, let me ask you a question. Do you believe in the placebo effect?

 Great. Now, this may look like a Tic Tac, but it is really a powerful medication specifically designed to cure your illness as well as freshen your breath.

 How can you sleep? I’m not done making you feel better. I still have to put a cold rag on your head, sing to you and apply VapoRub to your chest.

 Now you’re being a responsible patient. Now, you may notice some tingling.

 No. I need to get you down for a nap. And for some reason, that VapoRub gets you all fired up. (Opens door)

 Uh, I’m going to draw you a soothing bath. Where’s your bath thermometer?

 Fine. Then I’m going to draw you a nerve-wracking bath of indeterminate temperature.

 I’m surprised to hear that. See, the other day, I was concerned that you weren’t recovering, so while you were sleeping, I took a cheek swab and had it cultured in the lab.

 I got the results back. Have you developed any of the following symptoms? A growing nose, or perhaps a warm sensation in the trouser region? Also known as full-blown liar, liar, pants on fire.

 It hurts that you would lie to me, Amy. I thought our relationship was based on trust and a mutual admiration that skews in my favour.

 It pains me to say it, but I think some form of penalty is in order, so as to discourage this type of behaviour in the future.

 In a perfect world, I’d lock you in a stockade in the public square. That probably requires a permit.

 Oh, that seems overly harsh. I mean, you gave in to a human weakness, you didn’t kill a man. You know, it’s a tad old-school, but my father was not one to spare the rod when my brother would sneak into his truck and drink his driving whiskey.

 Yeah, oh, I’m sorry. I should’ve mentioned this earlier. You’re not invited.

 Amy, from time to time, we men need to break free from the shackles of civility and get in touch with our primal animalistic selves.

 Oh, where to begin? Trees indoors. Overuse of the words ’tis and ’twas. And the absurd custom of one stocking. Everyone knows socks belong in pairs. Who uses one sock?

 Oh, a scroll. I like scrolls. They’re my third favourite system of transmitting the written word. After stone tablets and skywriting. You have all been summoned to join a thrilling Dungeons and Dragons adventure. Your quest begins in a secret northern village of elves who have all been massacred. I like where this is heading. Your task is to rescue their leader from a dungeon of ogres. Oh, that’s a saucy twist. That leader’s name, Santa Claus. No, no, no.

 Fun? Mixing Dungeons and Dragons with Christmas is like making a sandwich of grape jelly, the best-tasting jelly, and petroleum jelly, the worst-tasting jelly.

 I signal my contempt for your cruel plan to shove Christmas joy down my throat by making a gesture that says get a load of this guy.

 I know they’re making a rhetorical point, I just don’t know what it is.

 Wait, wait. Svaty Vaclav is better known as Good King Wenceslas from the beloved Victorian Christmas carol.

 Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the feast of Stephen. When the snow lay ’round about, deep and crisp and even

 Brightly shone the moon that night, though the frost was cruel. When a poor man came in sight gathering winter fuel.

 It was simple. I combined a well-known historical fact about Bohemia with the memory of my grandparents, Mee-Maw and Pop-Pop, singing Christmas carols while I sat in front of the fire and tried to build a high-energy particle accelerator out of Legos.

 W-W-Wait. There’s still four more verses. You don’t sing a song and not finish it. Hither, page, and stand by me, if thou know’st it, telling. Yonder peasant, who is he? Where and what his dwelling? Brightly shone the moon that night, though the frost…

 Melted snowmen? Are there carrots and lumps of coal in the water?

 Since when is eggnog a Christmas drink? Eggs are available all year ’round. I’ve been known to enjoy this poolside.

 Oh, don’t be silly. Christmas is a bunch of baloney created by the tinsel industry. Why is this so important to you?

 You can’t talk, you’re paralyzed. I get right up in Santa’s big, fat face and say, well, well, well, jolly old Saint Nick, we meet again. Yeah, I believe the last time we spoke was in the Baybrook Mall in Galveston, Texas, when I was five years old, isn’t that right?

 My mother dragged me there and she plopped me down on your lap and you asked me what I wanted for Christmas. And I told you, my Pop-Pop, because that was the year my grandfather died. I missed him and I wanted him back.

 Pop-Pop was the only one in my family who encouraged me to pursue science. But you didn’t bring him back, did you? No, instead, I got Lincoln Logs. Well, you can build a lot of neat things out of Lincoln Logs, but Pop-Pop ain’t one of ’em. And now you’re here asking me for something, to save you. Well, sorry, Mr. Kringle, but today’s not your day. I’m leaving you here to rot, and I hope the ogres feast on your bones. I take the skeleton key, and I toss it into the chasm, and on the way out, I give Santa a swift kick in his bowl full of jelly!

 No, I was wrong. The looming threat of being crushed under a pile of lumber does add a certain spice. I’ve never felt so alive. (Answers door) Oh, hello, Alex. Uh, let me go get you last night’s recordings.

 Well, you remember when you told me I talk in my sleep? Well, it occurred to me that, like most things I say, it’s probably pure gold. So I started recording it all, and now Alex gets to comb through eight hours of what I like to call Sheldon After Dark.

 Ah, gentlemen, what is on the conversational menu this morning?

 Well, that’s not acceptable. I mean, I’m her boss. She needs to be solely focused on my needs, not distracted by your pasty, androgynous brand of sexuality.

 I need your advice about a delicate workplace situation. Uh, to protect those involved, I’ll be changing their names.

 Well, a short, bespectacled colleague of mine who lives in the shadow of his brilliant roommate. Let’s call this colleague Ricardo Shilly-Shally.

 No, no, Shilly-Shally has red hair and, uh, he briefly served in the Mexican Navy. Anyway, despite the fact that he has a girlfriend, Shilly-Shally has been the recipient of inappropriate workplace flirtations from a young lady.

 Okay, look, it’s not really about Ricardo and Tondelaya. It is really about her boss, who doesn’t quite know how to handle this situation and could use your advice, which is surprising because Dr. Einstein Von Brainstorm, he’s usually pretty smart about these things.

 Ladies, ladies, please. We’re not here to talk about Penny, okay? We’re here to talk about me. Uh, I mean Einstein Von Brainstorm. Oh, darn it! All right, I guess the cat’s out of the bag. Let me explain what’s going on. Ricardo is really Leonard.

 Oh, no, he’s not uncomfortable at all. No, he’s loving it. Yeah, he’s strutting around like he’s five-foot-six.

 Talk to her? That’s all you’ve got? With a cool name like Sheldon Cooper’s Council of Ladies, I really expected more. Give me back the T-shirts.

 Let’s not call it a problem. Let’s call it an opportunity. To solve a serious problem.

 You don’t know? Oh, you poor dear. Your ovaries are squirting so much goofy juice into your brains you don’t even know which way is up. You made an inappropriate sexual advance towards Dr. Hofstadter.

 Now, there’s no need to get defensive. I’m not unsympathetic to your plight. My father used to say that a woman is like an egg salad sandwich on a warm Texas day.

 Yeah, you and me both, sister. Now, please understand, I don’t hold you responsible for your behaviour because, see, from an evolutionary standpoint, you’re a slave to your desire to reproduce. But during the work day, when you feel possessed by amorous intent, may I suggest that you suppress it by leafing through this illustrated book of sexually transmitted diseases? Let’s see here. Oh, yes. Check out this oozy doozy.

 So does this fellow, but he can’t without it burning like hot soup.

 Oh, yes. Yeah, and a fat lot of good it did me. All she did was get mad at you.

 I needed advice about a woman. I would have asked you, but if the last few years have proven anything, it’s that you can’t tell a uterus from a unicycle.

 Good to know. Yeah, a few more helpful hints like that, you may find yourself on the Council of Ladies. (Answering phone) Hello. I see. Uh, what time? Very well, then. Huh. That was the Human Resources Department at the university. Apparently, my assistant Alex has filed a complaint accusing me of inappropriate behaviour in the workplace.

 So I’ve been told. But I can’t understand what she has to complain about. I mean, she has a front-row seat as I make scientific history. There’s string cheese in my mini-fridge, and that’s for anyone. Yeah, and just yesterday I led her away from a life of sexual promiscuity by making her look at pictures of disease-ridden genitalia.

 Oh! I see the confusion here. No, no, Alex thought I was singling her out. No. I meant that all women are slaves to their biological urges, you know? Even you. You’re a slave.

 Well, y-you, I-I’m just saying, you know, at a certain point in a woman’s menstrual cycle…

 I don’t see why I’m the one being persecuted here. Dr. Hofstadter, he was bragging about his sexual desirability to anyone who would listen. You know, and Howard Wolowitz, he spent two years using university resources building a six-breasted sex robot. Oh, and at the office Christmas party, I heard Rajesh Koothrappali refer to you several times as Brown Sugar.

 Yes. No, yeah, but in his defense, that wasn’t racist. He’s also brown.

 But I came to file a complaint. Somebody has made me feel uncomfortable in the workplace by using language of an inappropriate and sexual nature.

 You, you dirty birdie. I-I thought about the things you said to me yesterday, and I realized I’m deeply offended. Now, be a dear and get me one of those complaint forms.

 And thanks to you, I know better than to ask if you’re menstruating. And based on your behaviour, I don’t have to.

 Yeah, additionally, you should know that the university has mandated that I take an online sexual harassment seminar so this sort of thing doesn’t happen in the future.

 Yeah. Now, unfortunately, uh, my time is much too valuable to waste on nonsense like this, so, um, I’m gonna need you to take it for me. Oh, and, uh, you’d better ace it, they’re pretty mad.

 Interesting. Do you recall this conversation? Leonard, want to go halfsies on a steamer? No, Sheldon, we don’t need a steamer. Looks like that rumpled chicken’s come home to roost.

 That’s a wise policy. I once borrowed my sister’s makeup for a costume contest. Got a terrible case of pinkeye. But luckily, I was going as a zombie. I won second place.

 It’s a comic book convention. You know, it’s like pizza or particle accelerators, even the stinky one’s still pretty good.

 But the turn-by-turn voice option isn’t on. I know I’d feel more safe if you turn on the turn-by-turn voice option. I love the turn-by-turn voice option.

 Ooh, sounds like that fellow knows what he’s talking about. I’d put on my listening ears if I were you.

 I found a hack online. I was able to upload MP3 recordings of my voice to your GPS.

 Nope. The only thing left to do now is assign blame. (To Raj) Nice going.

 Maybe we’re better off. What if we were to get in a car with a crazy person?

 Well, perhaps we should hold up a sign that assures passing motorists of our mental competence.

 What, you think just because you’re wearing a captain’s uniform, you’re in charge?

 Gentlemen, a little less bellyaching. We’re Starfleet officers and a member of the Borg Collective.

 Leonard, all our lives we have dreamed of finding ourselves inside one of the fantasy worlds we love. And look at us. At this moment, we are, in fact, a Star Trek landing party stranded in an alien and unforgiving environment, relying only on our wits, our fortitude and our moxie. As long as we have those things, nothing can stop…

 Scotty was on the original series, and we’re Next Generation. So, joke’s on you.

 Yeah, well, we’re not. We’re an imaginary landing party who had real-life garbage thrown at us by real-life strangers who think we’re idiots. And to tell you the truth, I’m starting to feel like one. I want to go home now.

 There’s only one logical explanation. Somewhere in the desert we crossed into an alternate dimension where the women in our lives can finally appreciate great literature.

 I’ll eat later. Right now, I’m suckling at the informative bosom of mother physics.

 That’s a drawing of a really cool train. Don’t look at that, either. What do you want?

 So they asked you to pack up your things and ship out. That’s hard cheese, Barry. You’re one of the good ones.

 That’s ridiculous. I am one of the great minds of our generation. I work on a level so rarified you couldn’t even imagine it. I said stop looking at my cool train!

 There is ominous music playing, and there is an afghan over my head. I don’t know where you’re from, but where I’m from, that means I’m not doing okay.

 Tea is for when I’m upset. I’m not upset. The university’s forcing me to work with Kripke. I’m outraged.

 Yes, cocoa. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be paired with someone who’s so incredibly annoying?

 See, I did all this great work, and now he’s just going to come along and ruin it. I am angrier than ever and filled with despair.

 And yet, now you’re in my office. Point, Cooper. Welcome to the Thunderdome, Kripke.

 How do I know you’re not going to take my ideas and publish them as your own?

 Because I’m not interested in getting published in Mad magazine. Zingers fly fast in the Thunderdome, Barry.

 And I am sure it’s still more valuable than whatever’s in here.

 I read his research, and, it’s leaps and bounds ahead of mine. Which means the mommy of the smartest physicist at the university is not my mommy as I had thought. It’s his mommy.

 I feel like I’m being strangled by a boa constrictor. Why’d you stop?

 Oh, don’t play the Einstein card. His great breakthroughs happened when no one knew anything. So everything was a great breakthrough.

 I know. Go ahead, mock me. Just use small words so I understand.

 Yes. That is the reason. My work is suffering because of all the laid I’m getting.

 What can I say, you know? She enjoys my genitals. I am giving them to her on a nightly basis.

 I’ll do what I can. But it’s not going to be easy, because when I’m with Amy and our bathing suit areas mush together, boy howdy, is it magic

 Because the truth made me look bad, whereas a ridiculous bald-faced lie makes me look good. Anyway, if Kripke asks, tell him my coitus with Amy is frequent, intense and whimsically inventive.

 Well, word around the university is I’m giving her sex organs a proper jostling.

 Penny, all my life, I have been uncomfortable with the sort of physical contact that comes easily to others, hand-shaking, hugging, prostate exams. But I’m working on it, you know? Just recently, I had to put VapoRub on Amy’s chest. A year ago, that would have been unthinkable.

 No, I gave it to her well. Now, over here, I was thinking the turbulence could be reduced if we just put…

 That’s a good one. Dumbledore dies in that one. Yeah, I know, I didn’t see it coming, either.

 You brought up the subject. I contributed an interesting fact on that subject. It’s called the art of conversation. Okay, your turn.

 Oh, really, Leonard? Are you going to have another one of your hissy fits?

 Yes, and I have a theory why. Because of your lactose intolerance, you switched over to soy milk. Soy contains estrogen-mimicking compounds. I think your morning Cocoa Puffs are turning you into a hysterical woman.

 There you go again, nag, nag, nag. You’re only proving my point, little lady.

 What? I’m annoying? You criticize my behaviour all the time. Sheldon, don’t talk about your bowel movements over breakfast. Sheldon, when the president of the university is giving a eulogy at a funeral, don’t yawn and point at your watch. Sheldon, don’t throw away my shirts ’cause you think they’re ugly. You’re impossible.

 Actually, I have your signature on a roommate agreement that says you do.

 Roommate agreement, section 27, paragraph 5, the roommate agreement, like the American flag, cannot touch the ground.

 One Game of Thrones collector’s edition Longclaw sword. Oh, Leonard and I bought that together. That’s a bit of an ethical conundrum. Eh, I’ll keep it.

 Uh, suppose I’ll have to find and cultivate a new roommate. What a task that will be. Do you know how uncivilized Leonard was when I took him in?

 Oh, it took me forever to get him on a bathroom schedule. He would just go whenever the mood struck him.

 That would be ideal. If a person like that existed, I would sign on, no further questions asked.

 Hey, good buddy. So, uh, I was just talking to Amy, and she made me realize that this little dust-up between you and me is much ado about nothing.

 Yes. All is forgiven, so come back home. I’ll make you some soy hot chocolate, and then I’ll you tell you about our exciting new devil-may-care bathroom policy.

 Okay. Amy’s decided she wants to move in with me, so I need you to come back home, you lovable scamp. That’s a lot of product.

 Leonard, please. You know Amy moving in marks a level of intimacy our relationship isn’t ready for.

 Feelings? What am I, a hippie at a love-in? No. The problem is, she laid out a series of logical arguments that I couldn’t refute.

 You gave Leonard somewhere to go. Thanks to you, Amy’s out buying his and hers bath towels. Like I’d ever dry myself with something that has a possessive pronoun on it.

 You think this is fast? It’s just a matter of time before I see Amy’s leg stubble in my shower.

 Hold on. If you don’t want to live with Leonard, why don’t you just tell him?

 I suppose there’s no choice but to face the crying, angry accusations and the high-pitched wails of despair.

 Yes. Amy, are you worried that us living together will take the mystery out of our relationship?

 She doesn’t want to live with Leonard, so he has to come live here again. She’s the snake in our garden. She’s the reason we can’t be happy.

 I said the truth. You don’t want to live with Leonard, and you know it.

 Oh, no, no. That’s not going to happen, no. What I need you to do is find a Valentine’s gift for my girlfriend.

 Well, I guess those chaps will have to have someone else buy their girlfriends presents. Now, here is, let’s see, this is, this is about two thousand dollars, um, I think she likes monkeys and the colour grey. Contribute to my work. Ah, kids say the darnedest things.

 Now, see, I never would have thought to do that. Clearly, I made a good choice farming this out to you. But I am telling you, Amy hit the boyfriend jackpot. Anyway, my socks are on. Let’s knock them off.

 Now, Amy already has a real harp. And it can play any song. What are you trying to pull here?

 Well, I hope it’s with a third good option, because these first two, buh.

 Yes, and as you know, I planned to pretend to enjoy it. I’ve been working on this facial expression all day.

 Well, I don’t know what to say. This is the most thoughtful gift that anyone’s ever given me. And that’s including an amazing gift that I gave myself earlier today.

 No. No, after everything you didn’t do for me tonight, I want you to have it.

 Well, I thought, if I have a stroke or a kidney stone, who would I want to share that with?

 So, Penny, I understand you would like to learn more about flags.

 Interesting. A few people in the comments section have said that my delivery is robotic. Perhaps that isn’t the compliment it sounds like.

 If our friend, the flag, has taught me anything, it’s to go where the wind takes you. As long as you remain firmly attached to a rigid pole. And, action. So, Penny, what sort of flag questions keep you awake at night?

 Gosh, Penny, what’d you have for breakfast? A big glass of good question juice? The Nebraska state flag is simply the state seal on a field of blue. Spread your legs, invite them in.

 Hello. How’s the final stage of your nicotine addiction study going?

 Much better than I expected. She even gave me some helpful tips about acting and body language. Watch. Welcome to my world. Not welcome to my world. Welcome. Not welcome.

 Well, I was thinking about you helping me out last night (knock, knock, knock) Penny. And I just wanted to tell you (knock, knock, knock) Penny, that the answer to the question, who did a great job? is you, (knock, knock, knock) Penny.

 Yes, you were very natural in front of the camera, and I found your suggestions extremely helpful.

 She tried to rope us into going to her acting class to see a play. Don’t worry. Luckily, I had the good sense to drown that kitten in the river.

 Amy pointed out to me that since you did something nice for me, I’m obligated to do something nice for you. So, yes, I’ll go to your dopey play.

 Oh, Dear Lord, more rules? Where does it stop? Can I want to go because I have to want to go?

 Yeah, but now, wait. Do whatever I want? Or whatever I have to want?

 Would it help if I gave him some pointers? I’m just funnin’ ya.

 It’s about streetcars? Oh, great. I won’t need this. (Pulls out an etch-a-sketch.)

 How can she remember all those lines, but as a waitress, she can’t remember no tomato on my hamburger?

 I’m not saying people can’t use tools. Even an otter picks up a rock when he wants a clam.

 I think that’s incredibly sexist of you. I believe in a gender-blind society like in Star Trek, where women and men of all races and creeds work side by side as equals.

 Howard’s disturbing recollections aside, I don’t appreciate being forced to do banal committee work.

 Exactly. It’s like asking the Human Torch to heat up your frozen burrito.

 I suppose there is a history of professional women using their initials so as not to be pre-judged. Harry Potter’s J.K. Rowling, uh, Star Trek’s D.C. Fontana.

 We’re not. This time you’re the smart kid doing all the work while the even smarter kids sit back and watch.

 How is it sexist? My character wields a battle axe as well as any man.

 Mother, warrior-princess, franchise owner, I hear glass ceilings shattering all over town.

 All your ideas address the issue at a university level. By then it’s too late. You need to design an outreach program that targets girls at the middle school level and sets them on an academic track towards the hard sciences.

 Oh, hold on. While I’m comfortable speaking about science, I’m not sure I know how to spark the interest of schoolchildren. Better Google it.

 This must feel pretty good for you, coming back to your alma mater as an astronaut.

 Hello, female children. Allow me to inspire you with a story about a great female scientist. Polish-born, French-educated Madame Curie. Co-discoverer of radioactivity, she was a hero of science, until her hair fell out, her vomit and stool became filled with blood, and she was poisoned to death by her own discovery. With a little hard work, I see no reason why that can’t happen to any of you. Are we done? Can we go?

 Uh, hello again. Um, yeah, I don’t know if women in general have been actively discouraged from pursuing the sciences, but it’s clear you young women here, today, have been. While I was listening to my colleagues waste your time, it occurred to me that it might be much more meaningful to hear about women in science from actual women in science, and, uh, I happen to know two brilliant examples who have agreed to speak to you on the phone right now. Uh, Dr. Rostenkowski, Dr. Fowler, are you there?

 Thank you for taking time out of your very busy schedule to enlighten these young women.

 Howard, did you want your clothes arranged seasonally or by colour?

 Yeah, and some thanks I got. The assistant manager chased me out with an artisanal salami.

 Howard, I have a few questions. I found three bowling pins. Now, do you juggle these, or are you missing seven?

 Uh, just a couple more items. Howard, I found this letter from your dad in a box. Now, based on the content, it could either be filed…

 Well, I had to find out if it was personal correspondence or memorabilia. Now, as I was saying, based on the content…

 Wait, can I bring this box of extra shirt buttons to sort on the ride?

 Oh, dear. My mother warned me this is what happens to pretty boys in the big city.

 I can’t tell you that. I’m bound by closet organizer/organizee confidentiality.

 Well, neither is the rule that you have to hold your girlfriend’s hand at the movies. You know. That doesn’t stop you from pawing at me like you’re a bear and I’m a trash can full of sweets.

 Control over the information contained in that letter belongs to Howard. By happenstance, I came to know it. That doesn’t give me the right to disseminate it freely.

 Are you pointing out that California is a community property state, and since Howard and Bernadette are married, the intellectual property contained in that letter is jointly owned by the two spouses?

 Oh, Leonard. If I was prone to sarcasm, I’d say I was pulling off a major heist at the museum of laundry baskets.

 Oh. Yeah, well, I was waylaid by Penny, Bernadette and Amy. They made me reveal confidential information about Howard’s father.

 I can’t tell you that. I am bound by closet organizer/organizee confidentiality.

 Sorry, badgering me won’t work. What you should have said is, It’s pointless to keep this a secret because Penny will tell us.

 All right, I’ll tell you. My goodness, everyone’s on their game today.

 It’s simple, really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The, the principle that a physical system exists partially in all its possible states at once.

 Anyway, um, I realized that if we each present you with an account of what your father wrote to you, only one of which is true, and then we don’t tell you which one it is, you will forever be in a state of epistemic ambivalence.

 It was a map leading to the lost treasure of famous pirate One-Eyed Willy.

 Or that’s complete poppycock which Amy made up. It still could be the map.

 I would like to change mine. The pirate’s name was Peg-Leg Antoine. Now it’s completely different from Goonies.

 You know, surprisingly, uh, the letter from your father wasn’t the most interesting thing I read in the closet. Bernadette’s diary has some saucy passages.

 Although copyright law would allow me to quote snippets in the context of a review.

 Uh, Penny, I, I have a couple of questions about your closet. Is there any reason you’re keeping this dead goldfish?

 Well, now, did you also have a dog? Because I found what appears to be a battery-operated chew toy.

 If we’re going to change the topic from jellyfish, I’d be okay with brine shrimp or the history of the unicycle.

 Excuse me, the whole tenure system is ridiculous. A guaranteed job for life only encourages the faculty to become complacent. If we really want science to advance, people should have chips implanted in their skulls that explode when they say something stupid.

 Well put. You know, I must say I go back and forth on this boyfriend-girlfriend thing, but those moments when you worship me really keep you in the running.

 But I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to know who’s on the committee. Let’s see. Oh, Janine Davis. Oh, dear.

 Yes, hello. I’m fine. Um, I understand you may have a bad impression of me, so I bought you a gift.

 The tragic history of slavery in America. Fun for the whole family.

 Because you want to start watching it right now. Copy that. Let’s see. Up next on the tenure committee is Professor Wu. Well, get ready for the complete works of Jackie Chan.

 First of all, when you say things like that, people think you’re crazy. Second, the reason I’m cancelling is because I have to attend a memorial service for Professor Tupperman.

 Eh, it will be. Honestly, if I must endure a long and tedious evening, I’d rather it be with you on date night. But I have no choice. The tenure committee’s going to be there.

 Actually, I meant you could drive me. But if it makes you happy, that other stuff, too.

 What are you going to do? Take people’s drink orders and get them wrong?

 Well, that’s a fine how-do-you-do. Don’t just stand there. Take your breasts out.

 Are you implying that my girlfriend has no sexuality to exploit?

 Well, yes, of course, he wouldn’t like that at all. Last night, I was feeling in need of sexual release when I happened to come across your mother.

 I don’t know what you’re doing, but I was about to insinuate that I had coitus with Raj’s mother for a dollar.

 Wait. Hold on. I believe screw it, I’m going in is what I said to your mother last night. Don’t worry, I didn’t really say that. I find the concept of coitus ridiculous and off-putting.

 I just found out that you recommended myself, Dr. Hofstadter and Dr. Koothrappali to be on the short list for tenure.

 I don’t know what you mean by quirks, but, um, I do want to express my gratitude.

 No, no. No, I learned my lesson. I understand that was inappropriate.

 Why would the Chinese make our DVR record Paul Blart: Mall Cop?

 No, that’s the season two finale. That was quite the cliffhanger. I’m going to re-watch it before season three starts.

 That show ended with all the residents of New York either dead or unconscious. Oh, now I’ll never know what happened.

 Oh, sure, what a wonderful idea. And after that, I’ll make up my own rules of oral hygiene. You know, instead of flossing, I’ll rub pudding on my gums. I’m going to get the number of the SyFy Channel and give them what for.

 No. They can’t just cancel a show like Alphas. You know? They have to help the viewers let go. Firefly did a movie to wrap things up. Buffy the Vampire Slayer continued on as a comic book. Heroes gradually lowered the quality season by season till we were grateful it ended.

 I am not flying back to Texas just so my mom can give me a hug.

 Oh, that’s nonsense. I mean, you tell me stories about your day all the time. I don’t care how they end.

 Yeah, but I just told you, I don’t have a problem with closure.

 Oh, quite sure. (Amy starts a knocking sequence on the table. After staring at her a moment, Sheldon completes it.) That proves nothing.

 …tion. Okay. For the sake of argument, let’s say I have a problem. What would be your plan for addressing it?

 Oh, Amy. And you wonder why people think neuroscience is nothing but a goofy game for diaper babies. Tic-tac-toe can only end in win, lose or draw, none of which will deny me closure. Especially since I’m about to win. (She wipes the board clean.) B-But we didn’t finish.

 The same way any normal person would. I feel like I want to peel off my own face and tear it in two and then again and again until I have a handful of Sheldon-face confetti.

 Or you could pitch in, grab a nostril and help me get this face off.

 You don’t know what it’s like to feel completely frustrated. To have a desire build up within you and be denied any opportunity for release.

 Well, you’re an excellent neuroscientist, you’re a wonderful girlfriend, and…

 Very mature. You’re lucky I’m out of silly string. As I was saying, Leonard, you’ll never guess who I just found online. Professor Proton.

 Professor Proton hosted my favourite science show when I was a child. I never missed an episode. He demonstrated scientific principles using everyday objects.

 Oh, dear lord, Leonard, look. He’s still available for parties and events. We should hire him.

 Well, whatever we want. Hang out, do experiments, make him take 12 pictures with us so we can make a calendar.

 It’s happening. Leonard, it’s happening. Professor Proton is coming to our house.

 And you just got yourself uninvited. See? I told you I’d find a tactful way to do that.

 As Professor Proton always says, there is no problem you can’t solve if you use your noggin.

 Professor Proton was never late when he was on TV. You know, every day, four o’clock, he was there. Unless tornadoes were ripping apart East Texas, in which case we’d join him in progress. (Phone rings) It’s him. Hello. Well, I see. Yes. All right, we can come get you. Yeah, well, see you soon. Bye.

 The third floor landing. The poor old guy’s been walking up the stairs for half an hour. It’s really you.

 Leonard, you hear that? Professor Proton said I should call him Arthur. That means we’re friends.

 Look at me. I can get as close to you as I want without my mom saying it’s going to ruin my eyes.

 Oh, no, there are no kids. No, the, the show’s for me. Come on. I’ll race ya, Arthur.

 Yes. And if there’s time, take 12 pictures with us in seasonal clothing.

 Oh, no. How could anybody hate Gino the Neutrino? It’s nice, huh? I got him for 20 bucks on eBay. Including the shipping!

 What, well what’s wrong? Is she upsetting you? Because I can make her go away.

 I wrote a fan letter to you when I was a child in Texas, and you sent this autographed picture back to me. Do you remember that?

 Well, anyway, um, you may find this hard to believe, but I didn’t have any friends growing up.

 But, um, I did have you. And every day at four o’clock, you’d come to my house on Channel 68, and we’d do science together. If it hadn’t been for you, well, who knows what would’ve become of me? You know? Instead of a world-class physicist, I could’ve wound up as a hobo. Or a surgeon.

 Yeah, it’s true. A generation of young scientists are standing on your shoulders.

 Met my childhood hero, now I get to ride in an ambulance. Boy, if we can get him to do that calendar, this’ll be the best day ever.

 There anything I can get for you? Some apple juice? Uh, some Jell-O?

 Oh, my. What an honour. Oh, this is like being asked to ascend Mount Olympus and dine with the gods.

 But they’ll know I’m not you. Should I call myself Professor Proton, Jr.?

 I’m not sure how I feel about Howard being dungeon master instead of you.

 Oh, please. Every time the topic of change comes up, you throw Zachary Quinto in my face. I’m upset the mailman has a new haircut, Zachary Quinto. I’m upset that daylight saving time started, Zachary Quinto. I’m upset daylight saving time ended, Zachary Quinto. I’m saying this for the last time, Zachary Quinto was a weird, wonderful, unrepeatable event. So stop using him against me.

 Okay, well, I have a sound effect for those sound effects. (Blows raspberry)

 It would? Fun? Okay, three weeks ago you bought crunchy peanut butter, now you want the girls to play D&D? Do you have a drug problem?

 Well, I’ve just never played Dungeons & Dragons with girls before.

 Yeah, we, now, Penny, we don’t consume alcohol during Dungeons & Dragons. It impairs our judgment.

 Yeah, uh, wait. Doesn’t he say something first? You know, maybe in the voice of a beloved celebrity?

 Oh, I don’t know about you guys, but I have been through the emotional wringer tonight.

 I’ve never knocked on my own door before. That was a wild ride.

 Thank you. Would you go tell everyone else that? Because they sure think otherwise.

 Well, I don’t think our relationship is a joke. I think “a horse goes into a bar, bartender says, why the long face?’, that’s a joke. It’s a good one, too, because a horse has a long face.

 Oh, my. That’s an uncomfortable topic. Amy, before I met you, I never had any interest in being intimate with anyone.

 I know it doesn’t seem like it to you, but, for me, what we have is extremely intimate.

 More? I mean, look at us. It’s only been three years, here we are in bed together.

 Well, no. Hold on. My Elven magic-user and your half-orc warrior did have a love spell cast on them. We wouldn’t really be playing the game right if we didn’t see that through.

 I believe that, uh, we just killed a dragon. While the others pillage the corpse, I lead you to a secluded area where I attempt to remove your leather armour. (Rolls dice) It comes off.

 Yeah, I used to be uncomfortable around people, but then I learned a trick. I pretend everyone I meet is a beloved character from Star Trek.

 Well, now, but do you think that’s a good idea? Uh, you know Star Trek. Should a guy with no name and a red shirt really go on an expedition?

 Great. I’ve been doing some reading about vehicular safety. Did you know that the highest number of drowning accidents happen on or around boats?

 I’m not afraid to be alone. On land. On the sea, it would be terrifying. Because of all the drowning.

 Fine, no more drowning talk. I’ll change the subject. Oh. Who do you think would win in a fight, you or a shark?

 Very well. Things between you and Penny have never been better. I hope four months apart doesn’t change anything. I should have opened with that, huh?

 Leonard, you’re being selfish. We need to give you a proper send-off so we’ll have closure when you die at sea and crabs eat your face.

 You know, I have to say, Penny, I don’t understand why you of all people are encouraging Leonard to do this.

 Yeah, well, you’re his girlfriend for now. You know, maybe you’re not aware of this, but there is a rich tradition of men at sea finding comfort in each other’s arms and britches.

 It’s not that big of an opportunity. And even if Hawking’s theories are correct, all they prove is where the universe came from, why everything exists and what its ultimate end will be. I mean, me? I’m interested in the big questions.

 I’m not jealous. I’m just very unhappy that good things are happening for him and not happening for me.

 Um, can I have your attention, everyone? (Clinks glass) That’s, uh, B-flat, for those who don’t have perfect pitch. I would like to propose a toast to my best friend, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. He has been presented with a wonderful opportunity, and I couldn’t be happier for him.

 Well, I mean it. I’m really happy for you. And that’s how you get a toothpaste commercial. Cheers.

 It did not kill me when you went to space. Monkeys went to space.

 Penny, we’re in the red zone. The white zone is for loading and unloading. We’re breaking the law.

 All right, you have to get out of the car right now. I’m not going to jail for you.

 Oh, I see a space in the white zone. Quick, circle the airport.

 Oh, dear Lord, a police officer’s glancing in our direction. We’ve been made.

 It’s just a heart-shaped locket with a picture of Leonard’s face in it. He got it at the mall on clearance. Now move, move, move.

 Don’t worry, Officer. They just love each other. We’re not smuggling drugs.

 Back to the Future II was in the Back to the Future III case, and Back to the Future III was, get this, in the Back to the Future II case.

 This isn’t a very good connection, but it sounded like someone just released a kraken.

 Um, well, I was worried that you might be missing Leonard. And that might be causing you to have bad dreams, like the kind you’d get if you watched Clash of the Titans right before you went to bed.

 Back to the Future II was in the Back to the Future III case. Leonard did it.

 No, wait. Perhaps I should sleep here so you don’t miss Leonard as much, uh, ’cause you’re being kind of a baby about it.

 Dear Lord, you’re an astronomer. Although you may have earthly woes, get your mind back on the stars. Gee, even the lowly dung beetle chooses to plot its course by using the Milky Way.

 Everything I say is true. Now, of course, the dung beetle also enjoys eating faeces, living in faeces and making little balls out of faeces, so, you know, pick and choose which aspects of its lifestyle you want to embrace.

 I want you to be happy, too, but not enough to do anything about it.

 Well, now that I’ve piqued your interest, welcome to the exciting world of 3D chess.

 Do I miss how he makes a face on my toaster waffle with syrup? No. Do I miss the way he fixes the zipper on my jacket when it gets stuck? I don’t think so. Do I miss how we say good night to each other through the walls of our bedroom using Morse code? (Taps out No in morse code on the table)

 Well, I really need to go to the bathroom, and this one’s gone all cattywampus.

 If I make this move, but I won’t because we’re having too much fun.

 Well, if you’d like, we could call him. I mean that you could call him. As I’ve explained, the absence of my friends does not cause me pain. As rock and roll bad boy Paul Simon once said, I am a rock, I am an i-i-i-island.

 That you’re having to process your emotional pain without vodka?

 Um, uh, in a hundred years, you’ll both be dead and it won’t matter?

 Well, perhaps you’re obsessively picturing him engaged in drunken coitus with another woman. Is that it? Did I get it right?

 Actually, I can’t. Before Leonard left, he made me promise that I’d take care of you.

 Plus, if I do a good job, he said he’d bring me back a sailor’s cap.

 Well, if it’s any consolation, I’m sure Leonard’s tormented every moment he’s away from your warm embrace and cherry lips.

 But I don’t want to know how many underpants you own. Although, based on the floor of your bedroom, I’d say it’s a thousand.

 I’ve seen that. Yeah. Serial Apeist. Howard found it online the day we met you.

 And it was literally the moment you walked out the door. But I see the type of personal revelations you’re going for. Okay, here’s one I thought I’d take to the grave.

 Hmm. A while back, YouTube changed its user interface from a star-based rating system to a thumbs-up rating system. I tell people I’m okay with it, but I’m really not.

 Here’s something else you don’t know about me. You just hurt my feelings.

 I opened up and shared something deeply upsetting to me, and you treated it as if it were nothing.

 Now I know how you felt getting mauled by that sex-crazed gorilla.

 Changes in jet streams can affect the speed at which the Earth rotates on its axis, so bad weather can actually make the day longer.

 Joke if you must, but you’re going to miss these moments. With Leonard home in a few days, this was your last time driving me to the grocery store.

 I’ll tell you what, if my apples are mealy, we’ll hit the produce section for one last crazy blowout. Heck, you can even push the cart. Please don’t take my looking forward to Leonard’s return as criticism of the job you’ve been doing in his absence.

 Oh, you make me laugh, sad clown. Anyhoo, Leonard will be back in a couple days and I need a welcome home gift for him. As he’s been at sea, perhaps something with a nautical theme might be appropriate.

 Don’t try and trick me into buying something I don’t want. Now let’s talk Aquaman. 

 Oh, right, a present for Leonard. You better throw in that squirt gun.

 Oh, that’s a rather earthy cologne. My uncle used to wear that. Perhaps we can enjoy one last meal together before Leonard returns.

 Are you sure? With your Italian pizza and my Chinese noodles, we could play Marco Polo. I mean, of course, a re-enactment of a meal in the life of Marco Polo the Venetian explorer, not Marco Polo the terrifying water sport.

 I’m quite familiar with plumbing. Not to brag, but I spent most of fifth grade with my head in a toilet.

 That’s curious. If there’s no one here, why are there two glasses of wine on the table?

 Oh, very well. I’m no stranger to enjoying the pleasures of solitude. Oh!

 Oh, great. Do you want to go halfsies on a two hundred dollar squirt gun?

 I’m sorry. I’m just distracted by something that happened over at Penny’s.

 She claimed to be alone when there was obviously someone else in her apartment. I have no choice but to assume the worst, given Leonard’s lengthy sea voyage and her famously ravenous nether regions.

 Oh, really? She and I once had a staring contest. She clapped really loud and made me blink. It’s a small leap from there to sexual infidelity.

 No, it’s you. All right, I hear whispering and giggling. Now I think I hear kissing.

 Please. Why would Leonard come home early and waste his time kissing Penny when he could be hanging out with his best buddy? Yeah, that’s it. I’m catching her in the act. (Unlocks door)

 Right. (Goes out.) (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. Are you going to answer the door or should I open it and say aha again?

 Oh, no, I should apologize. Uh, I never realized to what extent our friendship was a burden to you.

 Oh, no, no, let’s not sugarcoat this. You find me finicky, pedantic and annoying.

 Well, Leonard, I think it’s high time you and I address the tweepadock in the room.

 Fine. Leonard, there’s no need for you to pretend to like me anymore.

 No, no, you save your apologies for after you’ve had disappointing coitus with Penny.

 You honestly think you can buy back my friendship with a cheap souvenir?

 Excuse me. This changes nothing. Except the Halloween costume I’m wearing this year. Amy, you’re going to be Olive Oyl. Lay off the doughnuts.

 Who knows? Uh, you said you’d be home yesterday, but you came home three days ago. You say you’re taking me to work, but for all I know, I’ll end up in a deserted amusement park. Or a cornfield maze. Or a back alley dog fight. You tell me.

 Hurts, doesn’t it? You know, I find myself wondering if anything you’ve ever told me is true.

 You say one thing and do the other, so then you are driving me and you find me a delight.

 Hello. So I guess you’re really holding up the other four fingers?

 You’re right. Which makes your betrayal all the more devastating.

 I let you buy feminine hygiene products with my supermarket club card. You have any idea the kind of coupons I’m going to get in the mail now?

 Careful, Amy. The friend of my enemy’s girlfriend is my enemy. 

 A crazy person with a long memory, and if all goes according to plan, a robot army.

 Which reminds me. This came in the mail, and I want you to have it.

 I don’t think thatqualifies as a mystery, we all knew what we were doing.

 That’s amusing, I was going to say that about M.I.T., but it works for Princeton, too.

 I’m sorry. Are we really doing this or are we tricking Koothrappali again like with the dinner party?

 Oh, everything I could possibly need to win the scavenger hunt.

 Well, if he does, do you know how filthy those rental balls are? They might as well stand on the corner and give away free rectal exams.

 No, Oh, it actually is if you get the joke. It’s based on the premise that Princeton isn’t a very good school. 

 Really? The only time I’m ever picked first for a team and I’m stuck with the liability?

 Yeah, well, take them apart and start with the edges. And stop wasting time.

 You think you know the answer. But it could be a trick. What if when the puzzle’s complete, there’s a sign in the window that says go to the train store?

 Well, I hope you’re wrong. I really want to go to the train store.

 Oh, simple, the ‘arrah, ‘arrah in the riddle mean Jan Arrah, a member of the Legion of Superheroes, known as Element Lad. And then the word He, it wasn’t the masculine pronoun, but rather H e, the abbreviation for helium. See where I’m going with this?

 Nice try. Now, Element Lad’s ability is the power to transmute chemical elements. Helium has an atomic number of two. If you multiply that by the atomic number of N, nitrogen, you get 14, which is the atomic number of? I’m just funnin’ you, silicon. And that is the most common element in the Earth’s surface. So that narrowed it down to the geology lab or the chemistry lab.

 And I’m sure your parents are proud. Now, finally, the line in this room the thing you’ll see was an obvious reference to Fantastic Four member The Thing, who’s made entirely of…

 Because you’ve been training for this your whole life. You live in a pile of dirty laundry.

 My apologies. I chose my words poorly. I should have said you were about to have your world rocked on my couch. Anyway, thank you for watching it. It’s one of my all-time favourites.

 Story problem? You, oh, Amy, what a dewy-eyed moon-calf you are. Raiders of the Lost Ark is the love child of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, two of the most gifted filmmakers of our generation. I’ve watched it 36 times, except for the snake scene and the face-melting scene, which I can only watch when it’s still light out, but, I defy you to find a story problem. Here’s my jaw, drop it.

 Oh, I see your confusion. You don’t understand. Indiana Jones was the one in the hat with the whip.

 I’ll tell you why. Amy ruined Raiders of the Lost Ark for me, so now I’m trying to find something beloved to her and ruin that.

 Yeah, except for the fact that Indiana Jones is completely irrelevant to the story. With or without him, the Nazis find the ark, open it and die.

 Oh, it turns out Amy’s beloved Pride and Prejudice is a flawless masterpiece. He’s got too much pride, she’s got too much prejudice, it just works.

 And I think I’ve got it. Consider, a family possesses a dog that is so large and poorly disciplined, he causes nothing but problems. Why do they keep him?

 Of course. You know, why couldn’t she just like Ziggy? Yeah? That thing’s riddled with plot holes.

 Ooh, I think she’s a fan of Garfield as well. Oh, darn it, now so am I.

 Wait, hang on. You’ve spent time with Amy. Can you think of anything she’s fond of that has a bunch of flaws she hasn’t noticed?

 I’m calling to invite you to a spontaneous date night tomorrow evening.

 Yes. You were kind enough to watch Raiders of the Lost Ark with me. So I’d like to return the favour by inviting you to watch an episode of your favourite childhood television series, Little House on the Prairie.

 Excellent. Then I shall see you tomorrow. Good night, Dr. Fowler.

 Good night, indeed. What a rube. Why would I put on lotion when I have such soft hands?

 Well, you sit back, relax and enjoy a beloved childhood memory. You see that cabin there? I read they were illegally squatting on Indian land. Yeah. Personally, I think what we did to the Native Americans was wrong, but this is your favourite show, not mine. Oh, look at little Laura Ingalls, eating that peanut butter sandwich. Peanut butter? Huh? That’s strange, since peanut butter wasn’t introduced until the early 1900s. If I knew this show was about time travel, I would have watched it much sooner.

 That’s silly. Almost as silly as Dr. Baker having a telephone, since telephones only existed in large cities at that time. This is more like Little House on the Preposterous.

 Are you sure? Every time my dad stayed out all night, my mom would put hamster poop in his chewing tobacco.

 Fine. I’m mad at you. Not only did you ruin Raiders for me, you may have ruined the whole franchise. Except for the fourth one, which was bad before you got your mitts on it.

 Yes. But not as good as I’m going to when I tell you that your precious Garfield has no reason to hate Mondays. He’s a cat. He doesn’t have a job.

 That’s true. He collected and delivered the ark to the proper authorities for filing.

 Oh, no, I got bored with that. I’m just browsing cuticle scissors on Amazon.

 That makes two of us. My new cuticle scissors will be here in one to two business days. Come on, one.

 You know, riding with Leonard has gotten a little tedious lately. The only car game he ever wants to play is the Quiet Game. And he’s terrible at it, I always win.

 My father used to say that all the time. That and, um, who does one have to orally gratify to get a drink around here? But what does that have to do with you working at the university?

 Huh. Yeah, I always took it literally. That’s why I have never once moved my bowels in this or any restaurant. Hmm.

 Not as relieved as I’m about to be. It’s a brave new world, little lady.

 Well, I appreciate your concern, but I won’t be seeing any more of Amy than I already do. I assume we’ll deduct any extra time we spend together at work from our weekly quota.

 Why? So you can see the look on Amy’s face when she hears my top-notch idea?

 Hi. Um, I’ve reconsidered. Uh, you can’t work where I work. Enjoy the rest of your evening.

 Well, I was. But that was before Howard explained to me how awful it would be if he had to work with his significant other.

 Now, don’t be insulted. He just thinks too much of you would be mind-numbingly tedious. 

 Yeah, well, now, well, keep it short. From what I gather, brevity is your friend. So, are we good here?

 Last week, you told Leonard he couldn’t wear his Wookie jacket out in public.

 Hmm. You sure your mothlike personality won’t be drawn to this blazing fire that is myself?

 Howard, if you’re going to lie to your wife, don’t start the sentence with Sheldon misunderstood. That’s a dead giveaway.

 Yeah, but to be fair, he only said the part about him getting sick of you.

 If it makes you feel any better, Amy and I are fine. I mean, really good.

 Uh, it also wouldn’t have happened if, in the early universe, hydrogen was a little more common or a little less common. This is fun. Your turn.

 Oh, we’re fine. As Howard advised, she’s merely respecting our professional boundaries.

 Yeah, you make a good point. It would appear I was worried for nothing. Look at her, desperately wishing she was over here at the cool table. Don’t worry, little moth. The flame will come to you.

 Ah, Sweden. Yeah, home of my favourite Muppet and, uh, second favourite meatball. Okay, the Nordic reputation for lack of humour is well-founded. Boy, is his name Gunderson or No-Funderson?

 Oh, please, I’m your boyfriend. You call me Sheldon. That’s right, I am in a boy-girl relationship with this cute little lump of wool.

 It’s a physical relationship, too. Hand-holding, hugging, even on hot days. Ow. Okay, here’s a new one. Apparently now we kick each other in the shin under the table. How do you like it when I do it to you? Not so much, huh?

 Oh, baguettes. Yes, I like baguettes. What exactly are you doing?

 So, goofing off. As I was saying, I’m done with work and Leonard’s not. So good news, you get to take me home. Play your cards right, I’ll let you drive me past the lot where the buses park at night.

 What on earth are you talking about? My behaviour in the cafeteria was delightful. Maybe your friend Gunderson needs to head over to IKEA and assemble a sense of humour.

 Couple things, actually. Your tone of voice, your body language…

 Oh, I had to take the bus home. Fell asleep and missed my stop.

 Well, I do now. They’re a lovely people. Although terrifying when you wake up face-to-face with them. If you’re hungry, I brought home some mutton and coconut milk.

 I was asking for directions. Apparently, there was a communication problem.

 Yeah, I thought so, too, but she’s acting very strangely. I was discussing it with a Sri Lankan fellow on the bus, and he hypothesized that a tiger may have recently run across her shadow. Although he may have just been trying to drum up business for his brother-in-law’s witch doctor practice.

 I couldn’t sleep because I kept thinking about what happened earlier between us. Also, I had one heck of a bus nap. Oh, speaking of which, do you want some mutton and coconut milk?

 Amy, this isn’t easy to say. All relationships are difficult, but even more so when you’re in one with a person who struggles with everyday social interactions. And frankly, who can strike some people as being kind of a weirdo.

 I wasn’t speaking about me. I mean, honestly, there’s no telling what will set you off. You know, introducing myself as your boyfriend. Giving you the opportunity to drive me home. Breaking the ice with your colleagues using ethnic humour, the funniest kind of humour.

 My point is, we’re a couple, and I like you for who you are, quirks and all.

 Well, I should hope so. I don’t see anyone else banging on this door to put up with your nonsense. Not even a good-bye? You see, that’s the kind of thing that makes people think you’re weird. Poor kid. She just doesn’t see it.

 Leonard, prepare to be humbled and weep at the glory of my genius.

 Look at it. I feel like my mind just made a baby. And it’s beautiful. It’s not like human babies, which are loud and covered in goop.

 Did I? Well, that can’t be right. No one’s ever done that before. Except me, because I just did it. Sheldon and his brain, yeah. Sheldon and his brain, yeah. Sheldon and his brain, yeah. Sheldon and his brain, yeah. Sheldon and his brain…

 Gentlemen. Uh, no doubt you heard about my little breakthrough. Now, if your plan is to hoist me on your shoulders and carry me around the cafeteria, please refrain. I don’t care for heights, motion sickness or the thought of your necks touching my buttocks. 

 Oh, well, thank you. Believe it or not, I just learned a Chinese research team at the Hubei Institute for Nuclear Physics ran a test on a cyclotron, and the results were extremely promising.

 Yeah, I know. They called it the greatest thing since the Communist party. Although I’m pretty sure that the Communist party made them say that. I like China. See, they know how to keep people in line.

 Oh, more testing, more success, more fame. Yeah, but don’t worry, I will remain the same down-to-earth humble Joe I’ve always been.

 And that’s why you’re not on a list for my tree fort. Ooh, guess who’s getting an article written about him in Physics Today? I’ll give you a hint. You measured the diameter of his suspicious mole yesterday.

 Well, you should be. My discovery is spreading like wildfire. Unlike my mole, which is holding steady at the size of a navy bean.

 This is the very copy of The Handbook of Chemistry and Physics in which I looked up the reaction rates of mendelevium and…

 This table, it’s in square centimetres. I read it as square metres. You know what that means?

 Yeah, well, they shouldn’t have. My calculations were wrong. There must be some resonance between the elements I didn’t know about.

 What matters is the greatest scientific achievement of my life is based on a blunder. I’m not a genius, I’m a fraud.

 Oh, great. Now I’m worse than a fraud. I’m practically a biologist.

 There’s nothing happy about it. I’m being given credit that I don’t deserve. 

 No, Leonard, this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Every science classroom, every periodic table, every textbook, this mistake will be staring back at me. Like that time you let Koothrappali wax your eyebrows. I’ve got to find a way to stop this thing.

 And no woos. Oh, not you, Dr. Woo. You’re fine. I want you all to know that you have no reason to applaud me. My so-called breakthrough wasn’t the result of my genius. It was nothing more than a boneheaded mistake. So please refrain from praising me for it in the future.

 Oh, no, they found the element. (More applause) No, no, stop it. I don’t need to take this admiration from the likes of you people. How do I make them stop loving me?

 The National Science Foundation wants to give me a substantial grant.

 She might be contagious. Don’t you think I’m having a rough enough day?

 You distract me. I’ve been distracted since the moment I met you. 

 Well, you should be. Because all I can think about is how much I want to kiss you. And not just on the cheek, but on the mouth. Like mommies and daddies do.

 Look. A new topical antihistamine with lidocaine. Wow. I can’t wait until I get a rash. 

 Look at him, just standing in line like he wasn’t moderately famous 30 years ago. Let’s go say hello.

 Arthur? Arthur, it’s me, Sheldon Cooper. You may not remember because of your advanced age.

 This is my girlfriend, Amy. Amy, this is television legend Arthur Jeffries. His science show inspired millions of children.

 No, no, no. I’m really good at this. All right, give me a hint. Does it involve difficulty initiating a stream of anything?

 But I’m hanging out with my friend, and we’re having fun. Look how happy he is.

 That’s strange. That he would come to you for that and not me. Oh, I got two emails from him. Do you have Leonard’s email address? And. Never mind, I found it. I can’t believe he picked you over me.

 Yeah, they say don’t meet your heroes. Don’t peek behind that curtain of fame and celebrity, because if you do, you’ll see them as they really are, degenerate carnival folk.

 That’s even worse. Using the sweet candy of science to trick children into loving him. Pervert.

 Yes, I have. And my only conclusion is the prescription he was picking up the other day was for cuckoo pills.

 That’s kind of a stretch. Look, when it comes to social skills, I’ve mastered the big three. There’s the coy smile. There’s the friendly chuckle. There’s the vocalization of sympathy. Aw. That last one’s tricky, I’m still working on it.

 No, go ahead, say it. I know what it is. I’ve heard it my whole life. The word’s annoying. Go ahead, say it. Say it. Say I’m annoying.

 Oh, it won’t hurt my feelings. Go ahead, Amy, say I’m annoying. I’m annoying. I’m annoying. I’m annoying. Yeah, now, uh, now where are you going? Look, you know you want to say it, say it. Say I’m annoying. Go ahead, say it. Say it. Say it. Amy, say it. Well, she can’t stand it when I’m right.

 Well, I would have been here sooner, but for some reason your home isn’t on this map of Hollywood stars.

 It’s been pointed out by my girlfriend that I may have been annoying to you.

 No, no, now that we’ve cleared the air, I wanted to discuss another matter with you.

 Well, then, I’ll make this quick. Um, I want to talk about the paper you sent Leonard. Now, I know he said it’s promising and he’s going to collaborate on it, but now that you and I are friends again, I am at your disposal. And, um, frankly, lending my name and reputation to it will help, because a lot of people think that you’re a washed-up has-been. Or dead.

 It’s because I’m annoying, right? I know it is. Say it. Say it. Say I’m annoying. 

 Say it. Arthur, say it. Say I’m annoying. Say it. Say it. I’m annoying. Say it. 

 Hello, Leonard. Oh, hello, Arthur. What an odd coincidence that you’re both here.

 Because as it just so happens, I’m also spending the day with a beloved children’s television science personality. Isn’t that right, new friend and colleague Bill Nye the Science Guy. Sorry, I replaced you with a newer model.

 If you’re hoping to get in touch with Bill Nye, I can’t help you. I’ve been informed that he’s now Bill Nye the Restraining Order Guy.

 Actually, I don’t need that. I hacked into your e-mail account and read it.

 Well, first, I think the fact that you use your birthday as a password is embarrassing. 

 Oh, wait here. I’ll get some Alka-Seltzer, we can build that rocket, and we can shoot it at Bill Nye’s house. As long as I’m not within 500 feet of it.

 Yeah, from when we went to the arcade three years ago? I finally decided what prize I want. Hurry up.

 None of your business. But when you see me wearing a flower in my lapel later, you are most welcome to sniff it.

 That seems like a reasonable request. Although so did, hey, Leonard, would you mind returning that DVD?

 Okay, first, talking to you while you’re on the toilet isn’t exactly a picnic for me either, okay? Remember, when you can hear me, I can hear you. And second, you completely disregard how uncomfortable unresolved issues are for me. It’s, it’s like, a, an itch in my brain I can’t scratch.

 How about this? I promise I won’t pester you about the DVD. You can defecate in peace. That’s a win for both of us. But, until this matter is resolved, I would like you to wear this sweater. With nothing underneath it.

 You say it’s itchy and uncomfortable. I say situations like this make me feel the same way. 

 Oh, did I forget to tell you? That store went out of business years ago.

 Gentlemen, please. Leonard is trying to walk a mile in my metaphorical shoes. He can’t walk in my actual shoes. He has the feet of a toddler.

 I’m thinking about how one could use the fact that a rapidly rotating mirror turns virtual photons into real ones as a method of observing dark energy.

 Yeah. It’s great you’re here. I’d love to get an engineer’s opinion.

 I don’t know why that surprises you. I’m a grown man. As should be evident by this sport coat and very real flower in my lapel.

 The more interesting question you should be asking is, what does this flower smell like?

 There’s nothing to tell. Maybe I purchased a book entitled Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff and I followed its wise suggestions, one of which was stop and smell the flowers.

 There’s probably a deep reason. Which I’d be happy to discuss with you over some peanut brittle in a can.

 Oh, not necessarily. I suggest you look for long-lost relatives either in Armenia or Lebanon.

 Leonard, I have something to tell you, but I want you to promise not to flip out.

 Seven years ago, I found out the DVD was late and I paid for it.

 I was going to mention it at the time, but then I thought, some day, this might be a teachable moment.

 I know. And it wasn’t easy. Do you have any idea what it’s like to wait for years and never know if you’re going to finally get satisfaction?

 Yeah,uh, look, it is scientifically impossible for a person to tip a cow. Even you, with your stocky build and lumberjack shoulders, you couldn’t do it.

 Mmm. You know, I’ve been told that a bald refusal of an invitation is rude and one must instead offer up a polite excuse, so I’d love to go, but, unfortunately, that sounds awful.

 Oh, since you put it that way, I’d love to go, but that sounds even more awful.

 Uh, excuse me, but every year you prepare a terrible meal and every year I criticize it. Do our traditions mean nothing to you?

 Ugh, fine, I’ll go. But if her food is delicious, Thanksgiving is ruined, and it’s on you.

 Now I know how the African slaves felt. Being dragged from their homes to labour under the yoke of the white man.

 Let me ask you a question. At any point, was Las Vegas on its side?

 Oh, oh, oh, I have a reason. It could be because you said yes to marrying Zack, but every time Leonard’s proposed, he’s gotten a resounding no. Yeah, that’s just off the top of my head.

 It smells wonderful. Is anyone slaving away in the kitchen? Because I, too, know…

 I don’t know the first thing about women, but I would not follow her.

 They passed against a nickel defence. They should have run it off-tackle.

 My father loved football. He always made me watch it before I was allowed to do my homework.

 I would throw a quick slant to a wideout, given that the defence is showing blitz.

 1993. Leon Lett blew the game in the final seconds and the Dolphins emerged victorious. Then I finally got to do my calculus.

 So was the man who owned the local liquor store. He cried and cried.

 No, sir. He did try to give me one for my high school graduation, but I was 11 and my mom said no.

 All I know is you can only fit one of her in a car. And there’s the clown that came out of her. I really didn’t want to come here, but this is shaping up to be one of the best Thanksgivings I’ve had in a long time.

 Perhaps you’re right. I’m sorry for my behaviour. I’ve had alcohol, and it’s caused me to be inappropriate.

 Thank you. Uh, the university made me come here. I didn’t want to. Uh, big fan of the show.

 Yes, yes, I’d be a physicist with a Nobel in chemistry. Everyone laugh at the circus freak. You know, I don’t need to sit here and take this, Flatow. It is because of bullies like you, every day more and more Americans are making the switch to television.

 Yeah, well, I’m not just some trained monkey dancing for coins.

 Look, you’re gonna be doing this stuff for a while. You’re just gonna have to find a way to get used to it.

 But none of you know what this is like. Being celebrated for something you wish you never did.

 Certainly. Although, right now, I’m having a rough time because there’s three people in my room, and it’s starting to feel like a discotheque.

 How could you not like getting attention for playing Wesley Crusher? You were wonderful. A know-it-all boy genius with an eidetic memory. Who couldn’t relate to that?

 That just happened to me. Next time you’re stuck for a tweet, feel free to say what a jerk Ira Flatow is.

 Oh, great, now, I work the controls, I say all aboard. You sit quietly and watch.

 I’m back down to nine friends. Make it eight, I’m sick of Wolowitz, too.

 By taking away my only claim to fame? Well, if you wanted to make me happy, you could have told me a joke. Or shown me a cute video of a koala and an otter becoming unlikely friends.

 Leonard disproved my element. Now all the attention is going to go away.

 When I thought the element was real, I didn’t want it. But now that Leonard made it not exist, I want it more than anything in the world.

 Don’t you dare use science against me. Science is my best friend. Oh, good, I’m back up to eight.

 I have no idea what she’s talking about, but we’re ganging up on you so I agree.

 No, no, of course you have to publish. That’s your responsibility as a scientist. Doing otherwise would be unethical. You have no choice.

 I saw. And I just posted a retraction of my paper. Now the whole scientific community knows I was wrong.

 Not to me. The only other retraction I ever had to issue was when I was seven and I conceded that my brother was the greatest ninja in East Texas. But that was just a ploy to get my face out of his armpit.

 No, no, no, that’s okay. I can fight my own battles. Isn’t that right, Bawwy.

 I have two words for you, Jurassic Park. This day just keeps getting worse and worse.

 Thank you. Ira, if I may, I’d like to apologize for my behaviour last week.

 You’re telling it wrong. Ira, to really understand the story here, you have to start at the very beginning. A small town in East Texas, where a young genius named…

 That’s right, Sheldon Cooper. He was bitten by his neighbour’s dog, leading to his first scientific breakthrough, the doggie death-ray. Which, sadly, he couldn’t build because Santa wouldn’t bring him enriched uranium.

 What a surprise. Did you invite me back just so you could ignore me?

 You know, I don’t just say smart things about science. I also yodel. (Does)

 Well, I never told you about my brother’s kidney stone. You want to hear about everything that comes out of my family’s genitals?

 Yes. I’m filling in for her husband who’s recovering from a horrible motorcycle accident. Lucky duck.

 Well, she’s due tomorrow. Although it did take her six years to finish high school, so who knows?

 Oh, no, thank you, I don’t want to be an inconvenience. Chop-chop, Leonard. We leave in ten minutes.

 The second I go out of town you throw a Christmas party without me? 

 No, she chose to have a home birth because she wants to live in the Stone Age and a cave wasn’t available.

 Doesn’t matter. This is no way to make new humans. People coming out of people. It’s some kind of dirty magic show.

 Did you hear that? A mop. I have two PhDs yet somehow I’m the janitor of my sister’s birth canal.

 Of course I’m doing laundry. Saturday night is laundry night, and I’m in a laundry room, so, I believe your inference is justified.

 Penny, for the thousandth time, I’m saving myself for someone special. Perhaps a cute bespectacled neuroscientist with hair the color of mud. 

 My mother asked me to get some towels. I took advantage of the vague request and went to Bed, Bath & Beyond. (Scream from other room) Excuse me, I’m on the phone. So rude.

 Oh, thank you. I wasn’t sure I was gonna to make it. But my mother gave me some ice chips, my sister told me to breathe, and I just thought to myself, Sheldon, if you can make it through the Green Lantern movie, you can make it through this.

 Oh no, no, I’m not going back in there. That baby is so irritating. He has literally been crying his entire life.

 Ugh, all right, I’ll go. But from what I’ve seen, his attention span is as limited as his bladder control.

 Looking into the blank, innocent eyes of a creature that couldn’t begin to comprehend anything I was saying? Basically just another day at the office.

 I don’t think so. I believe that a joke is a brief oral narrative with a climactic humorous twist. For example, uh, Wolowitz’s mother is so fat that she decided to go on a diet, or exercise, or both. See? The twist is that people don’t usually change. Well, they don’t.

 Wait, if Howard’s mother is coming, then you should also steal marbles. Because she’s obese, and hippos are obese, and in the popular board game Hungry Hungry Hippos, they eat marbles. Maybe I need to dumb these down for you. 

 The philosopher Henri Bergson says it’s funny when a human being behaves like an object. 

 Perhaps I’ll spend some time developing a unified theory of comedy, which will allow me to elicit laughter from anyone at any time. Unless they’re German, ’cause that’s a tough crowd.

 I don’t know about you, but I’m very uncomfortable with all this.

 I’ve never seen this show before and now I’m starting with episode 246? It’s unnatural.

 I’ve been studying how to make people laugh. They say that comedy is tragedy plus time. Let’s tickle some ribs.

 Now, would you say ointment is more, equal to, or less funny than kumquat?

 Will you please stop joking around? I’m trying to figure this out.

 So, a sandwich, a rabbi and yo mama walk into a bar. Where are you going?

 The university, they think they can do whatever they want. We just have to sit there and take it.

 Oh, this again? So, Penny proposed, you didn’t say yes, and now you think you may have lost her love forever. How does this compare to me being forced to relax for a few days?

 I’m going to go inside, put on my coziest pajamas, curl up with a good book and wait for this nightmare to be over. (Leonard knocks three times) Penny. Sorry.

 Please. What if there’s a big breakthrough in science today and I’m not there to see it?

 A fitting swan song to your career as a waitress, to forget my order one last time.

 The best way to achieve a goal is to devote 100% of your time and energy to it. When I decided I was going to be a physicist, I didn’t take some other job in case it didn’t work out. Which wasn’t easy because there was a lot of pressure from Ms. Pearson for me to be chalk monitor that year.

 I’ve read that there are great yogis who have such mastery over their bodies they can draw water in through their genitals.

 Too bad. It seems like a good way to drink a milk shake without getting brain freeze.

 Y, No. I’m as much a part of this relationship as you two, and I think it’s high time we put all our cards on the table. For example, where is this going? Are you two ever getting married? And, if so, where will we all live? Have you thought about that?

 Yeah, no kidding. Despite what it says on her résumé, she is no longer 22. 

 Well, to celebrate this reconciliation, let’s all share a milk shake. Uh, Penny, you’ll need a straw.

 Don’t get soft on me, Hofstadter. I will slap those glasses right off your face.

 Good Lord, this is not the time for flirting, keep it in your pants.

 Oh, Sunday’s the worst. Everybody’s leaving, most of the good panels are over, and the only T-shirts they have left are small and XXXXL.

 It’s okay. You know, there, there’s always WonderCon in Anaheim, you know? That, that’s just as good. Excuse me.

 I told you. Buying scalped tickets is against the rules. If you get caught, you get banned from Comic-Con for life. Life, Leonard. You’re gonna feel pretty silly when we’re 80 years old, and you have to drive me down there and then wait in the car for three days.

 How do you know this isn’t a sting operation set up by the Comic-Con police?

 You know, there was a time when Comic-Con didn’t exist at all until one lone dreamer with a unique vision made it happen. And you mark my words, I’m gonna rip that guy off.

 Not true. Wil thinks this is a great idea. He was just concerned that he wasn’t a big enough celebrity to headline such an amazing event. Also, that’s the same day that he shampoos his beard.

 You don’t know that. I still have plenty of solid leads on this list.

 No, wait. I need you to call Stan Lee, Leonard Nimoy and Bill Nye the Science Guy, ’cause, legally, I’m not allowed to. Oh, and, also, Carrie Fisher, you know, ’cause I hear he can be pretty nuts.

 Gentlemen, I am one step away from securing a huge guest for my convention.

 I don’t think that will be necessary for Mr. James Earl Jones. You heard me. The voice of Darth Vader, the Lion King’s dad, and FYI, the guy who says, This is CNN. Which also sounds like Darth Vader.

 Simple. Earlier today, he tweeted that he’s looking forward to going to his favourite sushi restaurant for dinner. I googled an interview from four years ago which was conducted in his favourite sushi restaurant. That’s where he’ll be, and that’s where I’m going, and…

 You’re the ones who are going to get in trouble. You’re buying non-transferable tickets. And from a stranger, no less. Not only can you get banned from Comic-Con, if caught, you could be charged with petty theft. You think about that while I’m warning James Earl Jones about the danger of posting his location on Twitter. He got lucky this time. There are some weirdoes out there. (To the Imperial March theme) Bom, bom, bom, bom, badum, bom, badum. Bom, bom, bom, bom, badum, bom, badum. Bom, bom, badala, baba, badalum, bom, badala, bom, bom, forgot my keys, bom, bom, bom, bom, badum, bom, badum… 

 Thank you. My friend Leonard said if I bothered you while you were eating, you’d think I was a creepy stalker.

 Oh. Is it true they used scuba gear to create the sound of Darth Vader breathing?

 Oh. Is it true that you were pre-med in college and you almost became a doctor?

 Oh, right. Well, my friends and I couldn’t get into Comic-Con this year, and I was trying to start my own convention, and I was going to ask if you would be a panelist.

 Well, you don’t like Princess Corncob, you don’t like Fester, you’re just impossible to please.

 People usually start a meeting with a joke, but you go ahead, end with one.

 I hate every word in that sentence. Including in, at, we and a.

 For starters, a bed-and-breakfast forces you to eat with strangers at your table.

 Oh, very well. What are the sleeping arrangements? We’ve only been dating for three years. If we were to share a room, people might talk.

 Look, I appreciate the effort, but I’m still unclear how this trip is supposed to be enjoyable for me.

 Wow. I’m feeling the urge to hug you. And one, and two, all right, Gollum, we’re good.

 Howard, which pocket watch will you be wearing for dinner on the train?

 Oh, I’m afraid if we wear the same pocket watch, it will be embarrassing.

 Oh, my. Well, then my apologies for bringing up this sore spot.

 It’s magnificent. This is going to be the best Valentine’s Day ever.

 I’m prepared to say I love it, as soon as I confirm there are no hobos aboard.

 Uh, I do. Uh, does this train car have the original link-and-pin coupler or the Miller Hook and Platform?

 Oh, of course. Um, is the seafood risotto being served on a train car with the original link-and-pin coupler or the Miller Hook and Platform?

 It’s like there’s a train in your mouth. Howard: Oh, yeah. I’ve got one. Um, the Amtrak Wolverine coming into Chicago. Bwch-wch-wch-wch-wch-wch, bwch-wch-wch-wch-wch-wch. Ooo-ooo.

 You’re right. That was insensitive of me. I have to go back to my table now. You should join us.

 I may never stop thinking about it. Amy, what are the odds we run into this guy?

 Dare I say loco? Oh, and, Amy, guess what? The conductor said as soon as he gets off work, he can come back to the bed and breakfast and play his banjo for us.

 How is that possible? I’ve hardly spoken to you since we got on the train.

 Oh, really? Because I remember you saying that this trip was going to be something we could both enjoy. Did you mean that, or were you just trying to trick me?

 Well, if you want romance, then let’s have romance. Oh, look, there’s wine. Mmm. Grape juice that burns. Uh, now let’s gaze into each other’s eyes, hmm? You blinked. I win.

 Good. Um, the conductor said if I come back to the engine room, he’d show me how to bring the train through a crossing.

 I made a new friend who likes trains as much as I do, uh, I kissed Amy on the lips, and, uh, the conductor played his banjo for me. Good night.

 Oh, well, my new friend’s name was Eric. Um, Amy lips tasted like the brownie we had for dessert. Oh, and the banjo-playing conductor was missing a finger, but he made up for it with his can-do attitude.

 I’m not sure how listening to other nine-fingered banjo players makes me dog, but all right.

 Yeah, she’s right. You’re grown men, the kind who are perfectly capable of growing your own moo-staches.

 No one is running anywhere. We’re not getting a dining room table.

 Chaos theory suggests that even in a deterministic system, if the equations describing its behaviour are non-linear, a tiny change in the initial conditions can lead to a cataclysmic and unpredictable result.

 You know, I’d love to, but, um, I’m too busy falling back in love with Windows 98.

 I can’t talk right now, I have several thousand updates to install.

 Think of me as Arthur Dent in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, lying in front of the bulldozers to protect his home.

 It’s a made-up story, Leonard, I don’t even know why you’re talking about it.

 You, how can you say that? You show me one thing in here we can live without.

 Wait. Is this really worth it? We’ve lived together for years with nary an argument.

 But we start talking about a table, and suddenly we’re at each other’s throats.

 Well, that means not one, or not any. Maybe instead of a table, you should buy a dictionary. Well, I don’t know if I won that, but at least he’s upset.

 My spot on the couch has a great view of a window. Sometimes I can see space battles through it. It’s called a TV.

 What about the roommate agreement? It specifically states that any changes in furnishing have to be approved by the Furnishing Committee. Which only sits on alternate years. Yeah, and by the way, it sits over there.

 Okay. I think we’ve found the problem here. It’s not the table at all. It’s you.

 I have spent years turning this lump of clay into an acceptable conduit for my will, and then you came along and reshaped him, with your newfangled ideas and your fancy genitals.

 You’re right. Without realizing it, I’ve allowed that woman to alter my personality.

 No. No, I’ve changed. Like the frog who’s put in a pot of water that’s heated so gradually he doesn’t realize he’s boiling to death.

 No. You’ve opened my eyes to the truth. Amy has made me a more affectionate, open-minded person. And that stops now.

 At the bottom. I must say, I’m relieved you’re not making more of a scene out of this.

 Wait. You were really gonna stand by me against the dining room table?

 How do I know you’re not saying that as part of the manipulation?

 Okay. I’m sorry I gave you such a hard time, I just had to be sure.

 No. Sorry to disappoint you, but Amy pointed out that you were only trying to manipulate me.

 Yeah, okay, you can stop trying to make this about our relationship.

 Which is stronger than ever. This is about you trying to change my environment, which was perfect the way it was.

 No, thanks. We’re fine. I mean, if you people want to eat at the table, then that’s what you should do. I like eating down here because this is how we’ve always done things. But if those days are gone, they’re gone. It just makes me sad.

 Am I missing something, or isn’t that the part she was born to play?

 Are you sure? We were making fun of failed careers. We didn’t get to tap the juicy vein that is Howard’s.

 Yes, and Hawkeye’s in the Avengers, but no one ever says help, Hawkeye.

 Well, with that sorted out, I’m happy to answer your question, Bernadette. Howard started it.

 I wasn’t referring to this evening. Ten years ago, upon first seeing me, your husband claimed that I looked like C-3PO and Pee-wee Herman. And he called me C-3P-wee Herman.

 Nine years, 11 months and three weeks ago, he followed that up by replacing the slides for my lecture with photographs of nude fat women bending over.

 In any event, that began a decade-long progression of insults, pranks and unwanted magazine subscriptions. To this day, I still get a monthly copy of Granny on Granny. Which, other than its surprisingly fun puzzle page, is complete filth.

 That’s a great idea. And in the spirit of our new arrangement, I will mask my surprise that you came up with it.

 I have one question. Is this a prank where we land in Houston and you’ve made up wanted posters that have my face with a moustache and a Spanish name and then I get arrested and deported to South America?

 Oh, I’m fine. It’s just some, uh, stomach medication for my trip. There’s the remote yet distinct possibility that I may end up in South America.

 Remember the old days when I used to point out that your check engine light was on?

 Well, get ready to stroll down memory lane. Penny, your check engine…

 Maybe it’s just something minor. Ooh, good news, the light just went out.

 Oh, in that case, I’d like to be partnered with my good friend Howard.

 It is. You were wrong, friend Howard. She completely understood.

 But I didn’t use it because it didn’t seem safe. Despite all my e-mails, the toilet didn’t have a seatbelt.

 I realize that, but safety concerns went out the window two apple juices ago.

 Well, truth be told, as a child, I did dream of going to space. Those astronauts were my heroes. And when you got to go, it was hard for me.

 Because it made me realize they’ll just send anyone up there. Aren’t you going to let me out?

 No, turbulence is just the equalization of diurnal temperature variations in the atmosphere. I’m not scared at all. Oh, apple juice, stay where you are.

 Despite what her Bible says, recent archaeological studies indicate that although camels are referenced in the Old Testament, they didn’t exist in the Middle East until hundreds of years later.

 But if we show up and you’re holding them, she’ll think they’re only from you.

 Yes, but now that I’ve seen what the gift of me with flowers and pie looks like, there’s no going back. Boy, I can’t wait to see the look on her face. We’re leaving right now.

 I saw my mommy with a naked man and she was trying to be a mommy again.

 I’m not nearly drunk enough. Okay. Do you have any idea what it’s like to see your mother ravaging someone?

 No. I wanted to surprise her. What am I supposed to say to her after something like this?

 I have to. How can we ever hope to have a healthy relationship if I don’t tell her how disappointed I am, and that I’ll never forgive her?

 No, I’m just going to tell her I’m coming so she can give that good time Charlie the heave-ho.

 I beg to differ. I used to live in those genitals. And if someone wants to move into my old room, I should at least get a vote.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Mother? (Knock, knock, knock) Mother? (Knock, knock, knock) Mother?

 Earlier, I came here to surprise you. I looked in the window and I saw you with a man.

 And of those few months, how long have you been a demented sex pervert?

 Perhaps not. But it is a way to speak to a woman who quoted the Bible to me my whole life, and then desecrates one of Ethan Allen’s finest sofas.

 That’s ridiculous. I am a grown man. I am a professional scientist. And I currently occupy the moral high ground.

 Apparently any man is welcome in this house. Why not you? I thought you were waiting in the car.

 Howard, we’ve all seen your mother naked. That woman needs to learn how to tie a robe.

 I’m sorry. Although, based on your story, you absolutely were the reason why.

 You may have a point. I love my mother. Even if she fornicates like a demonic weasel.

 I think what most upsets me about it, Mother, is the hypocrisy. Doesn’t this contradict all the religious rules you’ve been espousing your whole life?

 Well, this is confusing for me. But I don’t want to stand in the way of your happiness. So, I’ll condemn you internally while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance.

 Mother, if you’re going to conduct your life in this fashion, then I should let you know that the world has changed since you were a young woman. You know, it’s not all sock hops, soda jerks and segregation anymore.

 My point is that you’re going to need to be careful. You used to be protected by your pre-Enlightenment mythology, but now you’re going to need a stronger friend named latex.

 Because I’m trying to decide between getting an Xbox One or a PS4. Oh, pee, why’d I say that?

 I’m not being stupid. I’m employing the work of Dutch researcher, Mirjam Tuk, who found that people with full bladders make better decisions.

 You know, however, with the Xbox One, I can control my entire entertainment system using voice commands. Up until now, I’ve had to use Leonard.

 Get? Hang on. I don’t feel like you’re taking this dilemma seriously.

 Yeah, well, it’s true. But the larger size of the Xbox One may keep it from overheating.

 No, see? Well, you absolutely would not. And furthermore, the Xbox One now comes with a Kinect included.

 Yes. Not sold separately. Although the PS4 uses cool new GDDR5 RAM, while the Xbox One is still using the conventional DDR3 memory.

 See? That’s what I thought. But then they go and throw in an ESRAM buffer.

 No, I am not. And this ESRAM buffer should totally bridge the 100-gigabit-per-second bandwidth gap between the two RAM types.

 Oh, of course. (They kiss) Did I mention the PS4 controllers light up?

 You know, I’m proud of me, too. I’ve done all my research, I conducted an informal poll, and I’ve arrived at the rock-solid certainty I’ve made the right choice.

 I had the same feeling when I made my dad buy a Betamax instead of a VHS.

 Yeah, a little kid who picked the wrong format to record The MacNeil/Lehrer Report. Now I also was certain that HD DVD would win out over Blu-ray.

 Old enough to know better. You know, and now that I think about it, I stood in front of a case of iPods and I bought a Zune.

 Yeah, exactly. It’s an MP3 player brought to us by the makers of Xbox.

 You know I only have one slot available in my entertainment centre.

 Maybe it’s because I’m not an elitist. What I’d like to know is, how does this gravity wave breakthrough help the man on the street? You know? Who’s looking out for Joe six-pack and all his quantum physics concerns?

 Yeah, well, I’ve had a lot on my plate. We happen to live in a golden age of television.

 Really? Did they find evidence to support extra dimensions or supersymmetry?

 Do you think he’s right? Am I wasting my life on a theory that can never be proven?

 All right. I’ve devoted the prime of my life to string theory and its quest for the compactification of extra dimensions. I’ve got nothing to show for it, and I feel like a fool.

 Gentlemen, is anybody interested in my old string theory books?

 I am. Yeah, Penny pointed out that what I’m going through is essentially a breakup. And according to Cosmopolitan magazine, one of the most effective techniques for moving on is to get rid of all reminders of the relationship.

 Yes. As it turns out, there’s an article on how to get over a breakup in literally every issue. Anyway, it suggests that I set these on fire, but the smell of burning books reminds me of church picnics in East Texas.

 It was. This seemed so elegant at the time, but now I realize I was just a simple country boy seduced by a big city theory with variables in all the right places.

 I know. As hard as this is, I have to move on. I can’t keep postulating multidimensional entities and get nothing in return. I have needs, too.

 The magazine articles suggest that one of the ways to get over a breakup is a new look.

 Oh, I’m in your hands. Do a good job and I’ll tell you Cosmo’s ten dynamite tips to enjoy your PMS.

 Oh, there are so many exciting areas. Black holes, dark matter.

 I suppose I could see myself in a scientific boy band. Of course, I’d be the dreamy one and the smart one.

 Oh, looking through my textbooks for a new field of inquiry. Why do we have a geology book? Leonard, did you throw a children’s party while I was in Texas?

 Let me put this in a way you’ll understand, Penny. You remember how you explained to me that the Kardashians aren’t real celebrities? Well, geology is the Kardashians of science.

 You want me to give up string theory for something that’s less advanced? You know, why don’t you break up with Penny and start dating a brown bear?

 Oh, please. If I wanted to take up a fad, I’d get a tramp stamp.

 Oh, Duchess, look at me. My quantum gravity’s positively loopy.

 That’s actually not bad advice. You know, I didn’t seek out string theory. It just hit me over the head one day.

 A bully chased me through the school library and hit me over the head with the biggest book he could find.

 Ah, normally I refrain from alcohol, but since my cerebral cortex is twiddling its proverbial thumbs, why not soak it in grape juice that’s been predigested by a fungus?

 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. (Knock, knock, knock) Empty room. (Knock, knock, knock) Empty room. (Knock, knock, knock) Empty room. If somebody says come in, I’m gonna freak out.

 I drank alcohol and may have left an unfortunate voice mail for Stephen Hawking.

 Well, you know, I’ve always been a fan of a story told by Attar of Nishapur, about a king who assembled a group of wise men to create a ring that would make him happy when he was sad. And that ring was inscribed with the phrase, this too shall pass.

 Clogzilla. That’s pretty funny. I don’t think that’s gonna pass.

 Well, now that I’ve given up string theory, I’m struggling to find my next area of focus. So, in your professional opinion, which of these areas do you think is the most promising?

 All right. I officially reinstate Anything Can Happen Thursday.

 You’re right. You’re right. Got it. We order calzones, cut them open, eat them like pizza. All right, all right, I’ll shake the brain bush one more time, see what falls out. Got it. There’s a live-action role-playing group that meets every Thursday night in Griffith Park and re-enacts battles from Lord of the Rings.

 Well, if you were referring to her illness your question should have been, what ails her?

 Great. You know, this is how Anything Can Happen Thursday turns into It Won’t Stop Coming Up Friday.

 That’s a good question. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy and Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy and Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy and Bernadette. Why did you lie to us?

 And Amy, you told me you were sick, but you look just as pale and tired as always.

 Okay. ‘Cause if I had to pick now, I’d probably go with dark matter because…

 I don’t understand my food. Chinese noodles with Korean barbecue in a taco.

 My mother would lock her car doors if she had to drive through this hodgepodge of ethnicity.

 But to be fair, when you talk, most of what you say sounds like, wah, wah, wah, clothes, wah, wah, wah.

 I am. So much so that I’m gonna bring her here for dinner on our next date night.

 Penny, there’s only one cookie with something in the middle that solves life’s problems, and that’s an Oreo. Or a Nutter Butter, if you’re in a pinch.

 This is Asian fusion. For all you know, there’s a tiny Chihuahua in here.

 Turn to you for wisdom? Clearly, that cookie is mocking you. You’d never hear that kind of sass from a Nutter Butter.

 You can’t be serious. If I wanted to waste my time on nonsense, I’d follow Leonard on Instagram.

 For your information, I was asking her about the next Star Trek movie.

 That’s an easy guess. I’m clearly an annoying person and have problems with both genders.

 Ha. The opposite. She’s a neurobiologist, and I’m a theoretical physicist. My spirit guides can go suck an egg.

 You know what this is? Yeah, and I reserve this word for those rare instances when it’s truly deserved. This is malarkey.

 And how do you propose to do that? (Amy takes off coat and is dressed as a Catholic schoolgirl) Unless you have Gravity on Blu-ray under that skirt, I don’t know where you’re going with this.

 Yes. Actually, I’m glad you’re here. I’m working on the Star Wars Day schedule. Now, I have a window built in after Phantom Menace for complaining, but I’m worried an hour won’t be enough time.

 Your heart might be in the right place, but your head, chest and arms certainly aren’t.

 Hmm. Yes. Look at him, Amy. It’s such a shame. Struck down in the prime of my life.

 All those people blowing their noses. You can’t tell the sick from the sad. Mm. I’ll be at home celebrating Star Wars Day, as planned.

 If we were in a physical relationship, you just lost sex tonight.

 Oh, I appreciate the offer, but Arthur is gone and there’s nothing I can do about it. When Darth Vader struck down Obi-Wan, did Luke cry like a baby and go to his funeral?

 Arthur Jeffries was a scientist. I’m sure he didn’t care about silly superstitions like funerals. You know, if he were here, I think he’d say enjoy Star Wars Day.

 Howard, I think you of all people should avoid espousing the principle that if something is not our favourite we should just get rid of it.

 Get rid of the trade route part? Then how would Palpatine get Chancellor Valorum kicked out of office? How would he get himself elected? How? Can we get through one holiday without you saying something ridiculous?

 Well, you know what else was just a suggestion? Why don’t we change the Raisin Bran box? Hmm? And you know who got hurt by that? Every single person who eats breakfast.

 Wow. Uh, you’re dead, so I’m going to let that slide. Obi-Wan Kenobi is a character from Star Wars. After his physical demise, he comes to Luke Skywalker as his mentor in spirit form.

 This is the swampland of Dagobah. It’s where Luke was trained in the ways of the Jedi.

 When Obi-Wan came to Luke on this very spot, he gave him all sorts of helpful advice. So, um, what do you got for me?

 That’s it? I thought there’d be more of a reason why you’re here.

 Of course, my grandfather died when I was five. My father died when I was 14.

 And now you’re gone, too. It’s like all the men I’ve looked up to have gone away.

 I do. After I make them go back and watch one through five first.

 I thought that subject had run its course, so I changed it. It’s called reading the room, Amy.

 Ah, very good. Because a gorilla go-go dancer of any sexual preference would be out of place in a film about the Holocaust.

 Oh, yes, you’re the dermatologist. I went for a walk yesterday without sunscreen. Do you see anything on my forehead that I should be concerned about?

 Is it because she’s dating you but was out with that other fellow?

 Oh, quite all right. After my forehead melanoma scare I’ve learned not to sweat the small stuff. Well, sorry, I don’t have all the ingredients to make chai tea.

 No, I do. You’re upset about Emily and you’re Indian. I need to make you chai tea. Now, I have all the ingredients except cardamom seeds. Do you happen to have any on you?

 Oh, I’ll make English breakfast tea. They destroyed your culture. That’s close enough. You know, I’m curious, why are you so upset about seeing Emily with another man?

 Can’t happen. We have an ironclad relationship agreement which precludes her from physical contact with anyone other than me.

 How many of those women did you think would become your perfect companion?

 I was trying to suggest chemical castration, but it’s my bedtime, so whatever gets you out the door. Good night.

 I just got called into President Siebert’s office. The university won’t let me switch my field of study to inflationary cosmology. They’re forcing me to continue with string theory.

 He said it’s why they hired me, it’s, it’s what my grant was designated for, and that everybody has to do things they don’t want to do. He then gave an example of something he had to do, even though he didn’t want to, which was look at my stupid face.

 It’s an outrage. Honestly, I’m tempted to leave the university.

 I’m writing an appeal to the Faculty Senate, so that I can move on from string theory.

 You tell me. Dear Esteemed Colleagues, as you may know, I have requested to change my field of study. My decision to do so is, I believe, in the best interest of science. At your convenience, I’d be happy to explain it to you in words you’ll understand.

 Of course. She’s spent many nights here, and you’re worried about preserving the myth of her virginity before the wedding.

 Good, because not only has that ship sailed, if it hit an iceberg, countless men would perish.

 Oh, yeah, well, I’ve already given this some thought, and I’m willing to let Penny live with us one day a week for a trial period. Now, obviously, not when she’s made cranky by the shedding of her uterine lining.

 I don’t understand. How could we all live together if I’m not there?

 Well, then, I’m all out of guesses. What? Me move across the hall. Why would you even suggest such a thing?

 I see. You’re putting your future bride’s happiness above mine.

 Yeah, and on top of that, Leonard has the audacity to suggest that now that he and Penny are engaged, he may not want to live with me any more.

 I have real problems here, Amy. I can’t be mollified with a beverage designed for children. Mmm, yummy.

 Ugh, it’s like walking into the Amazon. And not the good Amazon with one-day shipping. The awful one with birds and snakes.

 You and… oh, sure, and while we’re at it, why don’t we get engaged, too? Why don’t we get a little house, start a family? Enjoy our sunset years together? Do you hear yourself, woman?

 No. Here’s a thought. You’re not moving in, Leonard’s not moving out, everything stays exactly the way it is. And by the way, I saw you make this Strawberry Quik with syrup, you’re supposed to use the powder.

 Your life? The university is making me do string theory and my girlfriend loves me so much she wants to live with me. And now, the place I need to go when I’m sad is damp and smells funny.

 No. I do not accept this. Everything is changing and I hate it. It stops now. I’m helping you get back on your feet. I would like to purchase this comic book, please.

 You know what? I don’t always recognize sarcasm, but I do right now, and I don’t appreciate it. I’m sorry for your loss. But you’re not the only one whose day has been a disaster.

 Don’t be melodramatic. I’m just getting on a train and leaving forever.

 My plan is to stop at malls and buy what I need. It’s called living off the land.

 I suppose it is. Except I have a credit card. And I refuse to carry my laptop at the end of a stick. And I’d sooner die than eat beans out of a can.

 Legoland is not the solution to everything. And it’s too much of a scene since that movie came out.

 Leonard, I am overwhelmed. Everything is changing and it’s simply too much. I need to get away and think.

 Yeah, well, I understand that I’m half naked, but there is a reasonable explanation. While I slept in my sleeper car, all my possessions were stolen. Now, typically, I wear pyjamas, but I recently adopted a hobo lifestyle and pyjamas are the sleep-pants of the Man. I’ll have you know, Mahatma Gandhi wore no pants and a nation rallied behind him. My good man, now, before you walk away, I know that I may appear deranged, but I am, in fact, a world-renowned physicist. Ask me the difference between a boson and a fermion. Go ahead, ask. Bosons have integer spin, fermions have half-integer spin. My legs are getting cold. Why won’t anybody help me?

 Uh, I’m in Kingman, Arizona, and, uh, I need you to come pick me up.

 Leonard, I’m at the police station. I was robbed. They took my phone, my wallet, my iPad, everything.

 No, I’m not okay. Uh, I’m wearing borrowed pants, I don’t have I.D., and one of the officers here won’t stop calling me chicken legs.

 Oh, yes, please. A pair of pants. And my toothbrush. Yeah, and my mail. And a really good comeback for chicken legs, because “I know you are, but what am I?” was met with stony silence.

 Well, perhaps I can help. Sherlock Holmes always says when you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. Now, have, have you tried doing that?

 Well, maybe you should. There’s lots of books called Sherlock Holmes, and there’s no books called Officer Hernandez.

 You know, Sherlock Holmes liked to use cocaine to sharpen his focus. But I’m sure those Cool Ranch Doritos are doing the trick.

 I do, but, I feel uncomfortable saying it out loud in front of these police officers.

 Where didn’t I go? I went to New York, Chicago, Atlanta, Denver, Seattle.

 Wrong. Hunt’s. Hey, Amy, what do you say? You ready to move on to the mustard round?

 Amy, may I please have a moment of privacy to speak with my roommate?

 Well, I was thinking put your head out the window like a dog, but that’ll work. Please? This’ll be quick. Leonard? As soon as we get home, I want to have coitus with Amy. Okay, she can’t hear. The reason I called you is because I didn’t want Amy to know I couldn’t make it on my own.

 Oh, of course it’s no big deal to you. You idolize me, and nothing could ever knock me off that pedestal you put me on.

 I called Leonard because I failed. And I didn’t want you to think less of me.

 That’s a good point. You know, I’m a lot like Gandalf the Grey. He fought the Balrog and emerged stronger than ever as Gandalf the White. I was robbed of my phone and pants, and I, too, came back stronger. And whiter, too, ’cause I wasn’t in direct sunlight for six weeks.

 Indeed. I was the world’s smartest caterpillar. And then after pupating in our nation’s railway system, I’ve burst forth as the world’s smartest butterfly.

 Yeah, I feel renewed. I’m ready to deal with any changes that come my way.

 Your hair is different. You changed your hair. I can’t take this. I’m out.

 Yeah, it did, but luckily all my photos got backed up to the Cloud.

 Here, day one, uh, this was the seat I was going to sit in but didn’t because there were cracker crumbs on it. As it was first class, I suspect Ritz. This is the train bathroom. This is the Imodium I took so I would never have to use the train bathroom.

 I know. You know, I almost died in a fire in Des Moines, but I stayed put. FYI, that’s when the Imodium gave out.

 Yeah, the correct animal for interspecies supersolider is koala. You would wind up with an army so cute it couldn’t be attacked.

 It was like the rest of the class wanted Ms. McDonald to forget the quiz.

 (Knock, knock, knock) That’s right, good job. Hello. Uh, you wanted to see me?

 Thank you. I assume you’d like to reopen our dialogue about the university forcing me to continue with string theory?

 Wow. Pouting and running away actually worked. I must say, that may not be a lesson you want to reinforce with me. So, um, what is the solution?

 So your solution is to promote me and pay me more money so that I can impart my knowledge to the next generation of scientists?

 Awful. They’re allowing me to move on from string theory, but they made me a junior professor and are requiring me to teach a class.

 I can’t believe I have to waste my time babysitting a bunch of grad students who probably think dark matter is what’s in their diapers.

 Wrong, Just because I enjoyed that one doesn’t mean I always do.

 Yeah, well, of course I do. Listen to it. It’s like an earful of melted caramel.

 It is true that many of my heroes have taken students under their wings. Feynman, Einstein, Professor X. Humorously, in the case of Professor X, some of his students actually had wings. That’s rich. I’ll use that one to lighten the mood after my entire class fails the midterm.

 I called the department secretary to see what happened. Apparently, I have a reputation for being obnoxious.

 Oh, yes. Fig Newtons. I was going to ask them which scientist both helped to develop calculus and had a famous cookie named after him? And then after someone said Newton, I was going to tell them they’re wrong. The cookies are named after a town in Massachusetts. And then I’d throw the cookies away.

 Oh, Howard. I appreciate the gesture, but this is a graduate-level physics class. I don’t think you’d understand a single thing I was talking about.

 How would you determine the ground state of a quantum system with no exact solution?

 Hmm. Do you know how to integrate X squared times E to the minus X, without looking it up?

 Okay. Um, what is the correct interpretation of quantum mechanics?

 I am trying to prepare my lesson plan for Howard. Why are you telling me this?

 Amy, please. I am trying to figure out a way to intellectually emasculate a dear friend of mine.

 Oh, I’m working on my lesson plan for Wolowitz. He is going to be so lost. Look at this section over here. Even I don’t really understand it.

 Interesting point. You’re suggesting that I have emotional issues below my consciousness which drive my behaviour, thus causing me to lash out at anything or anyone that threatens my intellectual superiority.

 I suppose that’s a fair request. There’s no reason we both can’t benefit from this experience.

 Okay. Well, then, uh, first things first. Um, are you familiar with the Brachistochrone problem?

 Ha! I knew it. All right. We have a lot of information to cover before your first test. Which, by the way, is in eight minutes. The good news is I’m grading on a curve, so you’re pretty much guaranteed a C.

 Will you stop it. This is a classroom. This is not American Bandstand.

 Now, where was I? Let’s see. Oh, yes. Over here. You… What are you doing now?

 You’re not going to do that, and I’ll tell you why. This is an institution of higher learning, I am your professor, and you’re going to treat me with the prop… You shot your spit in my mouth!

 He’s right. And given that you’re probably still waiting to be picked for a game that was played in fifth grade, I’m sure you do suck.

 Well, not just him. May I remind you that you’re talking to the seeker, beater, chaser and water boy of the third place Griffith Park Quidditch team.

 Well, if you’re going to serve Cornish game hen, you should either be familiar with the history of Cornwall or be prepared to learn it.

 I missed a number of date nights while I was on my train trip, and I’m contractually obligated to make them up under the terms of the Relationship Agreement.

 If you’re free tomorrow night, I’d love to have you join us on a double date.

 At our committee meeting, Amy made a motion for a picnic in a park, but I tacked so many amendments on that thing it sank like a lead balloon.

 Yeah, which I was initially sceptical of until I saw online that they serve Yorkshire pudding.

 No, it’s yucky, but informing people about the history of Yorkshire is yummy, yum-yum.

 Ignore them, Amy. They’re just jealous because they’ll never have a relationship as good as ours.

 I wasn’t making a joke, I was merely stating fact. Amy and I have a superior relationship to yours.

 Leonard, I assumed you knew. The ranking of relationships in our circle by quality is me and Amy, Howard and Bernadette, Raj and his girlfriend, Penny and Chardonnay, Penny and you.

 If you’ve got a problem basing a relationship on a contract, I’d like to tell you about 13 plucky colonies that entered a relationship agreement called the U.S. Constitution. And it may not be cool to say so, but I think that love affair is still pretty hot today.

 It has avocado on it. She’s allergic to avocado. Are you so jealous of our relationship you want Amy to die?

 Everything is quantifiable. That French fry? A seven. Spider-Man? A nine. The number nine? Oddly, only a four.

 No, I’m not. French fries have three variables, crispiness, saltiness and shape. Which is why a curly fry only gets a two. If I wanted curls for dinner, I’d order a clown wig.

 Yeah, not to be confused with the French Fry Goodness Inventory. That’s pure Cooper.

 It’s been around for 25 years, and has been extensively corroborated by other researchers.

 Why? We won. You know, I say, next, we take on Koothrappali and his dog. Really give ourselves a challenge.

 The answer is one simple test away. Hmm? You know, it’s like when I thought there was a possum in my closet. Did I sit around wondering? No, I sent Leonard in with a pointy stick and a bag.

 I expected to see Howard throw the baseball, finish my hot dog, and hightail it across the street to Disneyland just in time for Mickey’s Soundsational Parade.

 Okay, new plan. We go to Disneyland, play hide and seek on Tom Sawyer’s Island, and then come back and see the end of the pitch.

 Yes, but tell me a dinosaur chicken salad sandwich wouldn’t hit the Mesozoic spot.

 Speaking of which, according to a recent study out of Oxford University, when someone takes on a new romantic partner, that person loses one or two close friends.

 Oh, I like their emergency room. Yeah, even if it turns out you don’t have Dengue fever, they still let you take a lollipop.

 I have some odd freckles on my buttocks. Can I make an appointment for you to look at them?

 Oh, boy, if there is one thing that gets my goat, it’s those dad-gum insurance companies.

 I’ll give you a plan right now. Step one, open comic book store. Step two, start rumour this comic book store gives you genital warts. Step three, buy a big bag to put the money in.

 On the bright side, that Oxford study was right. One friend down. I wonder who you’re going to lose next.

 And we’ll get to have fun interactions with our customers. Like, this isn’t a library, buy it or get out.

 Yes, but as a store owner, I’ll finally have a good comeback to, You don’t work here, shut up.

 Yeah, he’s right. Once, in a moment of candour, I told Amy that her hair reminded me of a duck caught in an oil spill. She stormed out. Which was sad, because we were playing Scrabble, and I had all the letters to spell persimmon.

 I know that if I had a wife or a fiancée, I’d ask her first before I invested money in a comic book store.

 Yeah, well, of course I am. I was also right about her hair. It did everything but quack.

 Now, before I start, I need you to know that I’m very excited about this, and anything you say that isn’t enthusiastically supportive will throw our entire relationship into question. So, keep an open mind.

 Perfect. Now, I’m considering investing in Stuart’s comic book store.

 It would’ve been so nice to have a place that was ours, where we could just sit and read comics in peace.

 I know the real reason you never made progress with that idea. You thought of it September 22nd, 2007. Two days later, Penny moved in, and so much blood rushed to your genitals, your brain became a ghost town.

 I remember it distinctly because I had just composed my annual poem commemorating the anniversary of Dr. Seuss’s death.

 Oh, really? Since meeting her, what have been your greatest accomplishments?

 Well, don’t feel bad. I think we’ve all been distracted since the girls entered our lives.

 Oh, very much so. Listen to this. This is from two days ago. Hi. Hope you’re having a good day. Who has time for this constant sexting?

 I’m not going to a cabin in the woods. Did you see the movie Cabin in the Woods?

 Yeah, well, no, not to them. To me. Time traveling mailbox. The only time that traveled was an hour and half of my life down the toilet.

 Wait. I’m confused. Why would you need both a robot girlfriend and a robot prostitute?

 You know, a number of significant innovations have been inspired by science fiction. The, the geosynchronous satellite from Arthur C. Clarke. The Motorola flip phone, that came from Star Trek. And I’ve long suspected that the idea of an African-American president was stolen from the movie Deep Impact.

 If we could figure out the scientific basis for Marty’s hover board, that would have universal application.

 Is placed the right tense for something that would have happened in the future of a past that was affected by something from the future?

 Unlike Hot Tub Time Machine, this couldn’t be more simple. When Biff gets the almanac in 1955, the alternate future he creates isn’t the one in which Marty and Doc Brown ever use the time machine to travel to 2015. Therefore, in the new timeline, Marty and Doc never brought the time machine…

 Oh, I’m going with it. Marty and Doc never had have had brought the time machine to 2015. That means 2015 Biff could also not had have had brought the almanac to 1955 Biff. Therefore, the timeline in which 1955 Biff gets the almanac is also the timeline in which 1955 Biff never gets the almanac. And not just never gets. Never have, never hasn’t, never had have hasn’t.

 Do you know that the word wiener comes from the German name of the Austrian capital Vienna, or Wien?

 Oh, this is already better. There are far fewer distractions in here.

 Yeah, he’s right. Oh, here’s a thought. What if we use some form of operant conditioning techniques to keep us from getting off topic?

 Yeah, exactly. Did you know those techniques were used to actually teach pigeons to play ping-pong?

 Mmm, not bad. You know, in medieval times, idle chatter was punished with a device called the scold’s bridle. It’s an iron cage that’s locked around the head and pierces the tongue.

 You said quantum coupling. That made me think of the show Quantum Leap. That’s a tangent and it’s your fault.

 I think you mean positive punishment. Negative reinforcement is the removal of a positive stimulus. It’s a common mistake.

 Oh, it’s used incorrectly all the time. Even Bill Murray makes that mistake in the first scene of Ghostbusters.

 Leonard’s right. We can’t just jump ahead. We have to watch the whole movie.

 Oh, yeah, I’d have to say it’s the most exiting time in the history of the field.

 Perhaps the emotion you’re referring to was shock at you having something cleaned.

 I’m always busy. This mind is capable of advanced multitasking. You know, currently, I’m attempting to solve the Penrose conjecture, I’m composing my Nobel acceptance speech for when I’ve solved the Penrose conjecture, and I’m wondering how mermaids have babies.

 Well, I’m from Texas and you’re from India, we’re no strangers to the fragrant armpit. Next.

 Yeah, I have a lactose intolerant roommate with a taste for ice cream. Next.

 Interesting. You’re suggesting that we recreate the conditions of the mine to see if we can handle it.

 Well, according to my research, the steam tunnels below this access point should be the closest analog to the mines.

 Plus, there’s almost no chance we’ll see any of our coworkers half naked.

 All right, Amy, this walkie-talkie is yours. If we run into any problems, I’ll contact you. And if anything bad happens, what’s the rule?

 Well, admittedly, this brushes up against my well-known aversions to heat, small places, going below floor-level, dampness, hatches, ladders, darkness, echoes, and eliminating in Home Depot buckets. That last one is quite new, but I have a feeling that’s gonna rocket to the top of the list.

 Uh, let’s see. 704? No, wait, it’s on clock. Uh, the real answer isn’t much better. 102 degrees.

 True. Sheldon’s Mine Simulation Log, entry one. Koothrappali’s restating of the obvious is already getting on my nerves.

 Just the hits. (Singing) Where it’s dark as a dungeon, and it’s damp as the dew.

 Where the dangers are double, and the pleasures are few. Where the rain never falls and the sun never shines, yes, it’s dark as a dungeon way down in the mine.

 Well, I pray when I’m dead and the ages shall roll, that my body will blacken and turn into coal.

 Then I’ll look from the door of my heavenly home, and pity the miner that mines my poor bones.

 That’s preposterous. How would she go unrecognized just by wearing a wig?

 He doesn’t just put on a pair of glasses. He combs back his curlicue and affects a mild-mannered personality.

 This is a simulation. We have to survive on the supplies we brought.

 You’re not going to have Funyuns when we’re a mile below the surface of the Earth.

 Some York Peppermint Patties, a couple of Dr. Peppers, and run to Best Buy and see if they have a portable DVD player and season one of a show called Hannah Montana.

 As someone from the tropical subcontinent of India, you should know that fanning yourself in a humid environment only raises your body temperature.

 My major focus at the moment is keeping my claustrophobia at bay.

 You tell me. I feel like I can’t breathe, and I am tempted to crack you open and suck the air right out of your lungs.

 It’s dark matter. When I entered the field of string theory, I was a prodigy. I rose to a position of respect, and I assumed my career would continue on that upward trajectory. Now here I am in my 30s, I’m back at square one. And, frankly, it’s frightening.

 Good. Because I am too hot and tired to go on about how much I hate Voyager the TV show.

 You’re not doing it for me. You’re doing it for future generations who will benefit from my struggle. (Voice on recorder) Sheldon’s Mine Simulation Log, entry four. My Kit Kat has melted. All is lost.

 No, thank you. Delivery men are the unsung foot soldiers of our nation’s commerce. It’s because of people like you, people like me can limit our human contact. I’d shake your hand, but, well, you know.

 Yeah, I bet you leave your patients in stitches. That was also humorous.

 Are you bringing flowers to a patient to cushion the blow of a terminal diagnosis? That wasn’t a joke.

 Hmm. You know, they have delivery people that will do that for you.

 Eh, well, very well. Oh, and on the topic of sharing things that are yours, there is a gentleman caller bringing flowers to your fiancée as we speak.

 Why didn’t you get extra peanut sauce? We can both play this game.

 Hold on, Doctor. Leonard, where are your social skills? This man is clearly upset. We should invite him in for a hot beverage.

 Oh, please, you know, I’ll tell you how he did it. Implacable, relentless badgering. In urology terms, he was a drug-resistant staph infection. And she was a urethra that could not shake him.

 Oh, God. Don’t make it so hard on her. Look, the first someone is the deceitful you. The second someone is the delightful Dr. Lorvis.

 Leonard, I was wrong. Heaven does exist. And it’s in the basement of a urologist’s house in Sherman Oaks.

 Because it’s a story of a pretty blonde girl tirelessly pursued by a small, oddly-shaped man?

 Well, now, don’t get defensive. You’re oddly-shaped, but you got the girl.

 Yes. If you’d like to join in, the premise is their love seems unlikely and doomed to failure.

 Oh, if you want to get in on the pool, you’re too late. All the squares have been purchased.

 You think you’ve got problems. The gibbon is the only member of the ape family not classified as a great ape.

 All the non-human apes are classified as great apes except one. That means taxonomists created the entire category of lesser ape just to single out the poor gibbon as the weird kid on the playground. Now there’s a hairy little fellow with a genuine beef.

 No. I had a date with a proper education. Instead of a tuxedo, I dressed myself in good habits. Instead of spiked punch, I enjoyed the intoxicating flavour of knowledge. Instead of dancing in a gym, I shook my bootyto the seductive rhythms…

 Next time I might be in a rush, it’s good to have a few in the bank.

 I’d like to discuss this party that Amy and Bernadette are throwing. Since you and I are both reluctant to go, I think I’ve come up with a perfect way for us to enjoy it.

 We pretend we’re aliens. I’m not the best at reading facial cues, but I’m gonna say that you love it and want to hear more. Now, in the beloved novel Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, an alien named Ford Prefect pretended to be human in order to blend in so that he could write an entry about Earth for The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, which is a travel book within the actual book, which is also called The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

 My point is, pretending to be an alien is a valuable coping mechanism I’ve used many times. I did it the first time I went to see you in a play. You had no idea Commander Umfrumf of Ceti Alpha Three was in the audience. Oh, don’t worry, he gave you seven thumbs up.

 Well, if it’s part of the prom experience, then I’m open to it.

 I may be an alien, but I have urges. If Amy wants to copulate by firing her eggs into space, well, then, I will happily catch them with the reproductive sac on my upper flermin. I’m not the best at reading facial cues, but I can see that you’re a little turned on.

 What, are you sure? It’s my first prom, I want to do it correctly.

 I was, but Penny didn’t want to. You didn’t want to. Bernadette, Amy, Koothrappali and Wolowitz didn’t want to. And even I knew it was weird to hire somebody.

 Yes. I’ve decided to embrace all of the traditions associated with prom, including spiking the punch.

 Oh, no, this is pomegranate juice. It’s all the fun of high school high jinks with the cell-protecting zip of antioxidants.

 Oh, everything. Getting our picture taken, slow-dancing, being elected prom king. Pointing out that kings aren’t elected. It’s gonna be off the hook.

 I can’t do this. And for your information, Leonard, the upper flermin doesn’t grow between my shoulder blades, it grows out of the belly button on my neck.

 According to an online message board, I may be having a panic attack. SoccerMom09 had similar symptoms. But to be fair, the twins were a real handful that day.

 What’s going on is we’re about to go to a prom. And there’s a great deal of pressure on young couples like us to engage in what Mr. Bob Eubanks called making whoopee.

 It’s not just that. Leonard and Penny also made comments about it. And I’m not blind. Even I looked twice when I saw my posterior in these tuxedo pants.

 There’s no denying I have feelings for you that can’t be explained in any other way. I briefly considered that I had a brain parasite. But that seems even more farfetched. The only conclusion was love. I know what’s happening. This is a panic attack. SoccerMom09 says to lie down with your feet elevated.

 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Just because I love you doesn’t mean girls are allowed in my room.

 But you don’t have a life-threatening condition. Why would you take the risk of surgery?

 Yes, for the first five or six years, but I’ve gotten used to it. It helps me sleep. He’s like my mucus-powered white noise machine.

 Let’s see. Oh, this person is most famous for never having gotten his nose mutilated with elective surgery and never living the rest of his life in the shadows as a hideous, disfigured freak.

 I’m listening to you snore. I’m wondering how I’ll ever sleep without it.

 Really Leonard. Insults? After I spent two hours in your closet, waiting for you to fall asleep?

 If the surgery is successful, the snoring is gone. And if you die during surgery, the snoring is gone.

 Well, I’ve been doing some research and I’ve learned that one in 700,000 people die from general anaesthesia.

 I suppose that’s true. You’re such a glass half-full kind of guy. I’m going to miss that.

 Remember when I said if you went through with your surgery, there was a one-in-700,000 chance of dying?

 Well, I’ve been crunching the numbers, and so far, I’ve gotten your probability of death all the way to a sphincter-tightening one in 300.

 Leonard, what if you have an allergic reaction to the surgeon’s latex gloves?

 Well, then why don’t you wear the rubber gloves I bought for you to do the dishes?

 You don’t, but the surgeon might, hmm? And your carotid artery is just one shaky scalpel away from becoming the dancing fountain at Disneyland.

 I do. I have the drive to the hospital right here. That is if you make it to the car without falling down the stairs. And don’t expect me to carry you, I do that enough in life.

 You know who else said that? Every cocky T. Rex currently swimming around in the gas tank of your car.

 Thank you. And while you’re thinking about it, if you have the surgery in Nicaragua during monsoon season, I can practically guarantee your death.

 Well, thank you. And Leonard never lets me have French toast sticks in the car. I can’t have syrupy fingers, but he can do the backstroke in a toilet bowl.

 Although now that I think about it, Leonard would never go swimming in public without his swim shirt.

 No, but last year, at Magic Mountain, he got such a bad sunburn, we had to cut him out of it.

 Amy, he’s my best friend, and if you don’t take me, I’m going there anyway.

 I do. And I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if something happened to him and I wasn’t at his bedside to say I told you so.

 Oh, stop it. I assume this medical centre’s already treated the burns on your bottom from the recent pants fire.

 That’s a good idea. Penny, did you and Leonard ever discuss funeral arrangements?

 I suppose we could try to make it a celebration, but he died so young.

 There was a large plant in the lobby. It kept looking like the outside.

 Well, I’m not making any promises. Not only did Leonard take what I feel is an unnecessary risk, he deceived me.

 The reason I was being a pain in the B is because I was worried about him, and no one else was.

 A little tremor that turns routine sinus surgery into a frontal lobotomy. Oh, I don’t care for this at all. Oh, I need to see he’s okay.

 Wow. I don’t know which hurts worse, my nose or my heart. Well, I’m done speaking to you.

 Oh, you’re hardly out of the woods, no. You still run the risk of infection, a blood clot, the possibility that an inattentive surgeon let a barn spider lay eggs in your nose. The minute you sneeze web, I’m moving out.

 Yeah. Tell me those aren’t the words of a man with a spider eating its way through his brain. Amy, you’re a neuroscientist. Crack his skull open, spray some Raid in there.

 Oh, I ordered it before your surgery. It’s the urn I was going to put you in.

 I can’t send it back, I had it engraved. Here lie the ashes of Leonard Hofstadter. He thought he was right, but his room mate knew better.”

 But the truth is I can no longer balance a full-time career, a popular Internet show, and a girlfriend.

 And you said you pressed record. Anyway, please sit back, relax, and join us as we take our final lap, as indicated by the waving of this racing flag. And, of course, white flags can also represent surrender, the Stewards of Gondor, and the Japanese Minamoto clan, but I’m sure you remember that from episode sixty-two, White Flags, Who’s Wavin’ ‘Em and Why?

 Like when you do a two-hour Fourth of July spectacular and it doesn’t get recorded.

 How about four thousand. One for every domino I set up to make that American flag. Please enjoy these highlights.

 I have no idea. Because the story of me sewing the first American flag is unsupported poppycock.

 Don’t ask me. I’m just a simple seamstress whose descendants are out to make a quick buck.

 Wait, that purple flag indicates that marine pests, such as jellyfish, are present.

 Welcome back. Our guest today is a returning fan favourite. He puts the reading in your rainbow, the Geordi in your La Forge, and the Kunta in your Kinte, Mr. LeVar Burton.

 Well, since you’re here, I’d like to get your opinion on something. In honour of Black History Month, I portrayed George Washington Carver in a loving tribute that my roommate called wildly racist. What do you think? (On recording) Hi. My name is George.

 And if I may get serious for a moment, hosting this show has been one crazy ride. But with all its ups and downs, I wouldn’t give it up for the world. Except for now, when I’m giving it up. Before I sign off, I’d, uh, I’d like to share with you all one last use for a white flag. It’s good for times like this. Good night.

 I posted the last episode of Fun with Flags hours ago, and not a single person cared enough to comment. All that effort for nothing.

 It’s not the same thing. I don’t think you know how I feel at all.

 Too bad your show is done. I kind of liked it. Leonard, did you hear that? Oh, the people are heartbroken. I can’t take this away from the world. Fun with Flags is back.

 Oh, no, I’m not going to drink it. I just wanted to hear the pop. Yeah, I knew it was coming. Still scary.

 You told me not to call, and I didn’t know how else to give you the good news. Fun with Flags is back, and you can be in the next episode.

 You, at least listen to the premise. Since you were born in Germany, I thought we could talk

 You know, speaking of attorneys, if I ever needed a lawyer, I would not hire She-Hulk.

 Yes, but she’s the only monster at the firm. Between you, me and the wall, I think she’s an affirmative action hire.

 Ugh. English pudding. You get yourself all excited for pudding, and here comes a cake with raisins in it. I’m not going.

 Because in the last ten minutes, Santa came to town, kissed Mommy and ran Grandma over with a reindeer. I had a drunk uncle who did all those things. Nobody sings songs about him.

 My uncle was accused of that, too. It turned out to be legal in Oklahoma.

 Why should I? She knows that I don’t like Christmas, and yet, every year, she forces me to celebrate it. Not only am I going to this foolish dinner against my will, at the Christmas tree lot, there was mistletoe, and she kissed me under it in public. Like we were the stars of a Tijuana sex show.

 Yes, and she’s not taking my feelings into account at all. Maybe it’s time I teach her a lesson.

 Hmm. It’d have to be something heinous, something that makes her as miserable as she’s making me. Oh, I’ve got it. This is good.

 With gift-giving, there’s an implied social contract. If I show up tonight with a present, and she doesn’t have one for me, she’ll feel terrible.

 Yes. Maybe she’ll feel so guilty, she’ll never make me celebrate the holidays again.

 That’s right. So stay on my good side, or I’ll get you a little something, too.

 Hmm. Let’s see, what do I know about Amy? She loves medieval literature, Chaucer’s her favourite. And her eyes sparkle when she watches old French movies. I enjoy how harp music causes her fingers to dance as if she’s playing along.

 I do. Now, let’s find the kind of gift that makes her feel small and worthless.

 Oh, not just something, no. It’s from the heart, it’s holiday-themed, and I swallowed the gift receipt so you cannot return it.

 Of course it is. It’s the perfect gift. How are you feeling right now? Guilty? Sad? Wishing you were Jewish?

 Oh, really? Well, how about now? (On recording) Happy holidays to my dear Amy. I hope you treasure this as much as I treasure you. (Not on recording) And you got me nothing. Christmas is ruined. Let’s never speak of it again. Well, this was fun.

 I can’t believe this. You’re happy, I’m happy. Well, maybe a holiday that’s all about giving isn’t so… Get your hand out of that box.

 That’s not true. Any colour’s fine with me. Yeah, I could be a-a combination of blue and yellow.

 Oh, good news, we ordered lunch, so we can all stay here and play Lord of the Rings Risk.

 Oh, no, we’ll still be playing it tonight, this game can easily take eight hours.

 Yeah, well, you may change your mind when you hear that this is the new expanded edition which contains a more complete map of Middle Earth, now including the Haradwaith Territories.

 You know what you could make us do? Ice-skating. The cold air will trigger Leonard’s asthma and it plays right into my well-known fear of getting flattened by a Zamboni.

 Well, I’m sorry, Leonard, I’m a problem-solver, it’s what I do.

 Oh, that wasn’t clear. Try it again, but this time drive it home with how do you like them apples, Missy?

 You’re making it too complicated. Why not stick to the basics? Go shopping for clothes while Leonard and I sit in those uncomfortable chairs and hold your purses, hmm? I know I’d hate that. Leonard?

 That’s easy for you to say. Your chair’s not facing the lingerie section. Boy, that’s a lot of panties.

 I don’t understand why women insist on making a big production out of buying clothes.

 Oh. Well, that’s all right. There were plenty of ways to pass the time before smart phones were invented.

 No, it’s not fine. What kind of store in the 21st century doesn’t at least have Wi-Fi? I’m going to call their corporate office. Son of a biscuit.

 Boy, double-sixes again. You know, if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn’t believe it. I wonder how long we’re gonna be stuck here.

 I don’t know why you’re so surprised. If there’s one thing I know about after living with you for so many years, it’s how to compromise.

 Oh, yes. I, just yesterday, you had a, a big piece of lettuce stuck in your teeth at lunch. Did I say anything? No. I compromised and kept my mouth shut. Like you should’ve, because everyone was laughing at you.

 Uh, well, it’s scary. And sometimes I get the pedals mixed up. But, more importantly, driving me to work is one of the things that gives your life purpose. I can’t take that away from you, so what do I do? Oh, come on, I’m practically feeding you the answer. I compromise.

 Well, given my history on the subject, t seems a little reckless to bring it up now.

 You know what? You think you’re so tolerant, but the truth is you’re mean to me a lot. Yeah, you think that I don’t notice all those sarcastic comments and those eye rolls, but I do. Hmm? I have excellent peripheral vision. On a good day, I can see my ears.

 Well, I’m sorry, too. And if you want to live with Penny, then I think you should.

 Yes. Yeah, just put on your squeaky shoes and eee-eee-eee your way out of my life.

 I’m not upset. I’m just imagining a world without my best friend in it.

 I understand. Either way, I want you to know that I’m aware of how difficult I can be. So I just want to say thank you for putting up with me.

 It’s not a basket. It’s a soldier’s helmet from 16th century China.

 Before you leave, could you test these noise-cancelling headphones?

 Well, I’ve been struggling for months to come up with a theory of dark matter that doesn’t make protons decay. I’m hoping to finally tackle it by optimising my work environment. See, I’ve got, uh, my tea is at the perfect sipping temperature. Uh, I have fleece-lined boxer shorts to keep my tushie toasty. And then, oh, last but not least, this inspirational cat poster improved with the reassuring face of physics renegade Richard Feynman.

 Oh, I will, nothing more fun than a paradigm-shifting evening of science.

 Okay. Here we go. Proton decay. Proton decay. (Time shift) Proton decay. Proton decay. (Time shift) Proton decay. Proton decay.

 I’ve been cooped up in here too long. Maybe I need some fresh air.

 You sounded in distress. I was worried something unpleasant was happening to you. Like a murder. Or spontaneous coitus with Leonard.

 Well, if you hate it, then why are you doing it? Although I could ask the same question about coitus with Leonard.

 Yeah, I was, but after talking to Penny, I realised something. I, first, she’s trying much harder to stay attractive in this relationship than you are. And second, the reason I may not be progressing in my research is I’ve created too pleasant of an environment for myself.

 According to a classic psychological experiment by Yerkes and Dodson, in order to maximize performance, one must create a state of productive anxiety. So I’d like to ask you all to do something for me. Keep me on my toes. Just throw me off my game. Essentially, go out of your way to make my life miserable.

 You know, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but when a mouse completes a maze, it gets a food pellet.

 Only do solid research? I come to you for help, and you insult me? I thought the least that you would do would be…

 Really? Oh, that’s fantastic. Now, wait, they’re dropping. Why are they dropping?

 Oh, that is infuriating. Ooh, look, they went back up again. Terrific. Oh, no, they went back down.

 Gentlemen, I have figured out the perfect way for you to irritate me. I’d like you to be my intellectual sparring partners. From now on, when I make an assertion, I need you to challenge it.

 Oh, no, it will. See, by keeping my mind engaged, I’ll become more focused.

 Stop fighting me on the premise. It’s scientifically valid. I’m going to advance propositions, I just want you to challenge me.

 Why, of course it’s what I want. Why would I say it’s what I want if it’s not what I want?

 (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies? (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies? (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies?

 Well, as you may know, I’ve been experimenting with elevated anxiety levels, and I thought, what better way to increase my discomfort than to subject myself to an evening of tasteless uncensored crotch talk?

 Well, conversations that you wouldn’t be comfortable having in front of the opposite sex. You know, who has the best cervix. Which sanitary napkin is all the rage right now. Men’s buttocks, and how you want to pat and squeeze them.

 And how difficult it is to do when she’s bloated, cranky and crampy? Continue.

 You talk about if werewolves can swim? See, Leonard says yes, but I say it depends on if the human could swim before he was bitten. What do you think?

 Thank you. Oh, and technically, it’s apples that turn into were-oranges when the moon is full. Hey, this is fun. We should do it sometime when you aren’t all PMS’ing. Bye.

 Oh. Uh, I need to keep my anxiety at the right level, so I’m using Darth Vader, the Joker, and Godzilla’s roar to keep me in that sweet spot. Uh, I tried including Taylor Swift in the mix, but turns out I love her.

 Boy, Taylor was right, haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.

 I can do both. My brain is working at optimal capacity. I can have a conversation with you and solve the dark matter proton decay problem at the same time.

 I know. It’s replaced Godzilla as my principle source of anxiety.

 He is getting a lot of work done. He had a pretty interesting take on proton decay.

 That nagging tone is helping my anxiety, yeah. But if you could maybe just go ten percent less shrill, that’d really put the zip-a-dee in my doo-dah.

 Or do I, hmm? Sir Isaac Newton wrote his Principia while convinced he was an armadillo.

 Yeah, well, maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I have been hallucinating lately.

 Amy, I have gotten more done in the last few days than I have since I made the switch to dark matter. What if I stop doing this, and it all goes away?

 Oh, really? What if I don’t? And before you answer that, can I have my dessert?

 Hey. What are you trying to pull? The president of science isn’t in here.

 No, no, comfort is the enemy. You know what’s comfortable? Slippers and blankets and panda bears. Imagine a panda bear with Richard Feynman’s face on it. Warm up the car, Leonard, it’s poster time.

 Yeah, darn straight, you can’t. Try to tell a grown man to go to sleep.

 Oh, I’m feeling much better. And I’ve also been continuing to make progress without artificially raising my anxiety levels.

 Well, you could have set Newton’s gravitational constant to one. And, ugh, the whole thing reeks of blueberry. You know I can’t stand these scented markers.

 Not at all. In fact, I have got something for just such an occasion. I was starting to think I might never get a chance to give it to you. Good job.

 Not just a sticker. That is a sticker of a kitty saying me-wow.

 For a man whose last observation was our universe may be the surface of a multidimensional supercooled liquid, you’re still awake seems like quite the sophomore slump.

 When I mixed it with Sheldony goodness and cooked it in the Easy-Bake oven of my mind.

 Only way we’ll know for sure is if we post it online to the pre-print server. I have it ready to go, but I wasn’t gonna do it without you.

 We could, but we always run the risk of someone else beating us to the punch.

 My name is right on there with yours. That is a surefire mark of quality. That might as well say directed by Joss Whedon.

 Look, I am simply going to defend our work, scientist to scientist. And failing that, suggest that his mother enjoys a string of both human and non-human lovers.

 You mess with the bull, you get the horns. I’m about to show this guy just how horny I can be.

 My good sir, we are neither crackpots nor wannabes. In fact, we are experts in our fields. And while you hide behind your anonymity, we stand behind our paper. And later tonight, your mother.

 We’re just standing behind her. It’s not like we’re gonna say boo and scare her.

 Yeah, I do. Then no matter how he responds, I am going to destroy him with a picture of a bored cat saying oh, really?

 He wrote back. Cooper and Hofstadter resorting to juvenile attempts at humour is proof they have nothing to back up their ridiculous paper. It should come as no surprise given they work at Cal Tech, essentially a technical school, where even the physicists are basically engineers. Engineers? Do you know how insulting that is?

 I’m done hiding from bullies. I’m taking this into the real world.

 Oh, okay, okay, calm down. (Skype tone) It’s him. He’s trying to video chat. Perhaps I shouldn’t have taken this into the real world.

 Interesting. I can’t think of a single thing I wouldn’t say to someone’s face.

 He’s right. I say we call this person back. We’ve got no reason to hide.

 Of course, that’s how you know it’s a good joke. It not only entertains, it informs.

 Uh, Barry, uh, how many Edisons does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 Oh, no, me as well. Uh, please e-mail it to Sheldon at bazinga dot biz. Why dot biz? Because I just gave you the business. And also bazinga dot com was taken.

 Oh, really? When I was doing string theory and hit a dead end, why didn’t you try to help me?

 That’s pretty funny, that does sound like me. But that doesn’t mean that you should be standing on street corners handing out your math to whatever guy comes along.

 I’m being petty? You know Barry and I have a professional rivalry. You heard him, he told me to suck eggs. If we were friends, he would have suggested I suck something more pleasant. Why are you laughing? Did you learn something?

 If I was okay, I would’ve said hello, and not the much more ominous hello.

 No. She helped Barry Kripke make an advancement in string theory.

 Well, it would be, except that I left string theory because I decided it was a dead end. Yeah, and then she went behind my back to help someone else prove me wrong. My rival, no less. I’m sorry you had to see that.

 No, I said there’s nothing more important than me advancing science.

 Ugh, let it go. I have heard that my whole life. Every time something upsets me somebody says, let it go, you know, like it’s my fault, and it’s not okay to feel the way I feel.

 Is that all you have? Shopworn tidbits like talk to her and let it go? Gee, Penny, life’s giving me lemons. What should I do?

 Oh, give me that. Just out of curiosity, if I were to let something go, how would I do that?

 The spiny anteater never went behind my back and worked with Barry Kripke. That didn’t help at all.

 But I just got this pen. It’s got my initials on it and everything. Look.

 What if I told you that over the past few months Amy has secretly been giving you little puzzles to test your intelligence against chimpanzees in her lab?

 Well, excuse me, Amy was testing you. I was rooting for you. Good job on that banana box, by the way.

 She’s been conducting an experiment on apes where they’re given various puzzles to solve. I was surprised at the complexity of the puzzles and thought some humans wouldn’t be able to solve them. That’s when Amy said, want to make this interesting?

 No, no. We designed an experiment involving you. See? Now, isn’t that interesting?

 Okay, maybe this will help. Imagine you’re holding a pen. Before you go too far, not a special pen with your initials engraved on it, that’ll make the next part really hard.

 I don’t understand why you’re mad at me. You should be mad at Amy. Like I was this afternoon. Hey, look at that, I let it go.

 That sounds like us. I still don’t understand why you’re upset. You solved every puzzle faster than all of the chimps.

 Oh, I can help you with that. Imagine you’re holding an ordinary pen. While your favourite pen is safe and secure in your pocket.

 When I lost my own father, I didn’t have any friends to help me through it. You do.

 I didn’t care for her yelling. But now that I’m not going to hear it again, I’m sad.

 Oh, that’s nonsense. I proclaimed my love for you. And the last time I looked into your eyes was when you thought you had conjunctivitis.

 Yeah, but we don’t have to debate this. We’re scientists. We can conduct our own research. I propose that we imprison two street people and…

 So, you can experiment on all the apes you want. But I want to manipulate the emotions of two captive human beings, suddenly I’m the monster.

 Uh, fun fact, pontificate comes from the Latin word pontifex, which means bridge builder or Pope.

 Correct. You’re not supposed to drink alcohol when operating heavy machinery.

 Well, as a Texas gentleman, I’m inclined to say ladies first. Although, I’m concerned that level of politeness and charm might make you fall in love with me before the test even begins. Perhaps we should flip a coin. Or if you’re familiar with the rules of Rock, Paper, Scissors…

 Ah, that’s just as well. As much as I’d love to meet Euclid, inventor of the geometric proof, he probably wore sandals and I cannot look at toes during dinner. Oh, I know, the person I’d most like to have dinner with is myself.

 Well, I haven’t. And while they say never meet your heroes, I just don’t see how I could disappoint. Who would you choose?

 Oh, I didn’t think of Iron Man. You know, maybe after myself and I have dinner, we can meet you two for dessert.

 I don’t think so. Leonard can’t stand yoga, the beach, massages or dancing.

 Uh, I wake up. Uh, I enjoy some French toast with butter and syrup. Uh, then a wormhole opens, and whisks me millions of years into the future where my towering intellect is used to save the last remnants of mankind from a predatory alien race.

 I believe what you’re doing is using humour to avoid vulnerability.

 Well, what I meant was I often misinterpret how others are feeling. Like, I can’t always tell if someone is only joking or laughing at me. You know, like, uh, if they’re mad at something I’ve done or just in a bad mood. It, it’s incredibly stressful.

 Well, I’m not. And if I could read people’s minds, life would be so much simpler.

 So, it would be today? Huh. Well, I suppose there’s something satisfying about dying on my birthday.

 Well, I don’t enjoy presents. And the thought of people jumping out and yelling surprise fills me with more dread than the words George Lucas Director’s Cut.

 The point of the experiment is to be completely honest with each other.

 Well, you have a brown fleck in your right iris that looks like a Formula One race car. So I’m just concentrating on that. Plus, it’s easier around people that I’m comfortable with.

 Of course you are, I’m warm and soothing. I’m like a human bowl of tomato soup.

 Oh. Well, I suppose I do think of you as a sister. And sometimes, a mother.

 I remember it perfectly. But I have an eidetic memory. If you’re interested, I also remember how much you owe us for the food.

 No, it wasn’t. Uh, now let’s tabulate the results of the experiment. I think it’s safe to say that you’re not in love with me and I’m not in love with you. And psychology has once again proved itself the doofus of the sciences.

 And I, you. And yes, that’s how you say that. Yeah, so, given our newfound intimacy, I’d say we have some hard choices to make.

 Gary Con, do we fly or drive? Do we wear costumes? And if so, who gets to be Gary?

 As you know, Amy and I have been together a long time, and a lot of things I never thought possible now seem possible.

 Okay. That was tricky, ’cause when it comes to alcohol, she generally means business.

 No. It’s true. It means that we care so much about each other, there’s enough left over for an eight-ounce reptile.

 After much deliberation, we’ve determined that a turtle is the ideal pet. They don’t shed fur, they don’t make noise.

 Yeah. And if he ever goes berserk, I know I can outrun him. Coincidentally, that’s also why I chose you as a roommate.

 Oh, I don’t know. He kind of looks like a jerk. How about this one?

 I know. I like him, too. Hi, little guy. How’d you like to come home with us? You’ll be living with me because we don’t live in the same house.

 Oh, there’s this company that’s attempting to establish a colony on Mars, and I applied to be among the first to go. What should we name him? You know, I came in thinking Seth, but he kind of looks Italian.

 Well, based on your reaction, it looks like I made the right choice. Isn’t that right, Giuseppe?

 I was playing Got Your Nose. That’s how you get children to like you.

 Ugh, this again. Amy, I’ve already had one new hole torn in my body today. I don’t need another one.

 So you’re saying you wouldn’t leave me for the chance to be one of the first humans to colonize another planet?

 Huh, that’s exactly what Leonard, Wolowitz, Koothrappali, Bernadette and Penny said.

 First of all, this has only made me stronger. But beyond that, all I did was fill out an application.

 Actually, as part of the application, I was required to make a short video answering that very question. You want to see it?

 Amy. Oh, why didn’t I give her Sleepy Time tea? Amy, wait. Getting a turtle meant a great deal to me, too.

 And in that future, are we on the same planet? Because I’ve seen people make the long-distance thing work.

 I am. Yeah, if I’m going to a barren, lifeless environment where the chances of survival are slim to none, I want you there with me. Why don’t we go back to the apartment, and fill out your application?

 Oh, I know. We could be the first to plant a flag on Mars. We could be the first to watch Mars Attacks! on Mars. We could be the first to say good lord, what on Mars are you talking about?

 They would, wouldn’t they? We could give them cool Martian names. And we could teach them about Martian history. Like, who planted those flags? And, uh, where did that copy of Mars Attacks! come from?

 Good idea. And since you’ve had such a rough day, I’m gonna let you throw the pie in Leonard’s face.

 Oh, look, it’s the Scientific American that covered the paper Leonard and I wrote.

 I have mixed feelings about doing interviews. I like the part where I talk. I do not like the part where the other man talks.

 All I did was answer a few questions about the theory. And then expressed my gratitude that Scientific American doesn’t include any of those smelly perfume cards.

 Why? The theory he came up with just got mentioned in Scientific American. He ought to be thrilled.

 But it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t exclude him. And I didn’t write the article.

 For the record, that kid was a terrible choice. If you cry when you drop your churro, you do not have what it takes to rule England.

 Good, good. And your name is on the electric bill and mine isn’t. And I’m okay with that.

 Okay, I have to tell you something, but you’re not going to like it.

 An article was just published in Scientific American about our theory.

 No. No, they loved it. They, uh, couldn’t say enough nice things about it.

 I know. It’s not fair. Let the anger go, buddy. You just, you relax all your muscles. Except for your pubococcygeus and anal sphincter. Let’s keep those tight.

 It is. They’re what hold back the urine and the faeces. Look, maybe, maybe you shouldn’t read it. It’ll only make you feel worse.

 You know, you’re right. Yeah. You know, it’s like when Stan Lee and Steve Ditko created Spider-Man. Stan Lee may get all the credit, but Steve Ditko knows he was just as important. Even though Stan Lee gets to be in all the Marvel movies. And. and he’s far richer. And he’s a household name, you know? Whereas, you know, you say Ditko, and that sounds like a company that makes Dits.

 Well, I’d give more examples, but, well, everyone in your position’s so forgettable.

 He said they made the editorial decision to only cite the lead scientist.

 Well, I know it was your idea, but the reporter said he’s been following my work for a while, and the only reason they even mentioned it in the magazine is ’cause my name is on it.

 Well then what if I told you that I added your name to the cable bill?

 Oh. That’s just as well. They had me on hold for 20 minutes and I hung up. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? Also, Wolowitz invited us all to dinner, so I’m ready whenever you are.

 Oh, please. I have ideas all day long. Reverse SeaWorld where dolphins are allowed to pet people. A new clothing size between medium and large called Marge. Snow White retold from the point of view of Sneezy. Why won’t Doc prescribe him something? We finally find out.

 Fine. Then Grumpy, what’s he so grumpy about? Maybe his girlfriend won’t take his side.

 Is it my fault that my name came first on the paper alphabetically?

 Is it my fault that when the reporter cited me as the lead scientist I didn’t correct him?

 Hi. Hello. Oh, and a special hello to Leonard, who needs to be mentioned by name.

 Indeed. Penny, a salon is a gathering where intellectuals entertained each other with sparkling conversations about issues of the day.

 Oh, I’m aware. It features Whoopi Goldberg. She played Guinan on Star Trek: Next Gen. Penny, Next Gen refers to Star Trek…

 I don’t believe it matters what the topic is. What’s crucial for a salon is that we conduct the discussion in an elevated and insightful way. It’s all about the execution.

 Yeah, good for you, Leonard. That’s a lovely little notion. Kind of like, I wish I could talk to my uncle in Chicago. Yeah, now stand back while I invent the telephone. Hello? Oh, hold on. Leonard, it’s your uncle. He says you just got burned.

 Well said, old chap. I thought eloquence had died, here it stands before us. Starting today, it’ll go Gettysburg Address, I have a dream, and what he just said.

 Leonard, lots of people could’ve had that idea, but very few people could’ve worked out the math the way I did.

 Oh, well, apparently Leonard thinks he’s better than everyone in the whole world, including those fighting for our freedom. Yeah, well, I don’t know about you, but I support our boys overseas.

 I didn’t hog anything. Unlike you and that weird lasagna with raisins in it.

 Okay, um, what do you say to a graduate of the UC Berkeley physics department? I’ll have fries with that. Because his education hasn’t prepared him for a career in the sciences.

 I don’t see what’s crazy about bringing a backpack with your own toilet paper and Purell.

 And rubber gloves, uh, air freshener. Um, noise-cancelling headphones. Oh, danger whistle. Um, pepper spray. Ooh, a multi-language occupied sign. Uh, let’s see, we have seat protectors, uh, booties for my shoes, a clothespin for my nose. Oh, and a mirror on a stick, so I can make sure the person in the stall next to me isn’t some kind of weirdo.

 I’ll begin. Uh, I can’t spy with my little eye something passing right through us.

 Will you please play the game? I can’t spy with my little eye something passing right through us.

 I suppose it is. In fact, if you’d like to celebrate with a little music, I’d be okay with that.

 Let me ask you this. Do you think this song is the music the white boy ultimately plays?

 So it’s like the musical equivalent of Russell’s Paradox, the question of whether the set of all sets that don’t contain themselves as members contains itself?

 Aren’t you worried that sitting in the lobby for a long period of time might attract the attention of the hotel detective?

 Seems a little confrontational, but all right. You know, we won’t be very far from Skywalker Ranch.

 Yoda’s swamp was in the middle of nowhere. Tatooine was in the middle of nowhere. Hoth was in the middle of nowhere. That’s code, Leonard. He wants us to drop in.

 There’s a speaker box. Drive up, push the button, and let’s see what happens.

 You’re blowing it. We want to meet George Lucas and become his friends and play with him.

 I think what really needs to be rescued is your sense of whimsy, but one quest at a time. So what’s the plan?

 All right, my plan is predicated on the assumption that they have a nurse’s office and your willingness to be lightly stabbed.

 What if I told you that I was the voice of Yoda? A recording session I must attend.

 I can see the ranch, Leonard. Oh, it’s rustic, it’s lovely. I’d take a picture, but people are chasing me. I’m gonna make it. I’m gonna make it. They have Tasers, but they wouldn’t dare use… Aaaaaaagh!

 Oh, I think that’s below the pay grade of an Imperial Officer. Stormtroopers are really the ones who…

 Uh, one question about that picture. Can it be with George Lucas? Ooh, grumpy you are.

 Before I answer, was he a smoker? I think you’re looking at this all wrong.

 Well, not only did we go to Skywalker Ranch, we got in. And no one we know can say that. And for all the times you find me irritating, today you got to watch someone shoot me with a Taser.

 I’ll take your word for it. I was too busy trying not to defecate.

 And I saw Jabba the Hutt riding by on a motorcycle. Although that was right after the Tasing, so who can say for sure?

 It was. And even though we’re not allowed back there, they can never take today away from us. Unlike my sense of smell, which hasn’t returned since the Tasing. No, I got nothing.

 I guess news travels fast. It’s true, a select group of scientists was invited to a weekend symposium at a former home of Richard Feynman, and I wasn’t included.

 Sure. It’s not like I was invited to Richard Feynman’s house and have anything better to do.

 I don’t know the future. Do you think there’s a chance that an asteroid could hit the Earth, destroying Feynman’s house and everyone in it?

 I was afraid you might bring this up, so I have a work-around. There you go. As far as you’re concerned, I’m smiling. Although, I must admit, I’m smiling a little bit at the moment because this loophole is so brilliant.

 You know what? I used to be a fan of evolution, but I’ve since evolved, and now I think it’s dumb.

 Hey, look at that. Even in your example, you’re all by yourself.

 I can just picture them all right now at Feynman’s house, probably discussing Schrodinger and at the same time, not discussing Schrodinger. See? They’re missing out on hilarious jokes like that.

 It reminds me of when my stupid brother and sister would build forts in the living room and wouldn’t let me in. I hated that so much.

 Yes, oh, but enter through the side. Batman is a load-bearing blanket.

 Roughing it? Okay. Everything looks so big from down here. This must be how Leonard feels.

 Well, of course we do. Fort Knox doesn’t have a secret physics lending library.

 Well, wait. What if, just this once, we suspend the date night parameters and you stay later?

 Very well. I will agree to a family-friendly, G-rated, boy-girl sleepover.

 It would, but you know how much I admire preparedness. How did you know we’d be in the living room?

 Oh, come on. I really wanted to tell someone they can’t come in.

 There was a scientist who had a theory and James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o. J-A-M-E-S, C-L-E-R-K space M-A-X-W-E-L-L, And James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o. There was a scientist who had a theory and James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o, A-M-E-S…

 Perhaps you’d prefer this one. The itsy bitsy spider is not an insect at all, because it haseight legs and two body parts.

 Thank you. Do either of you know Beyoncé? I’d love her to get behind it.

 All right, you can’t breathe our air without an inhaler, he’s allergic to Earth nuts, but I’m the alien.

 I’ll tell you exactly what you should do, avoid the presumption of the Terran sensory input paradigm.

 Any intelligent organism would at the very least need the ability to locate the position of objects in space. So the ideal interstellar lingua franca would be haptic.

 I bet that started off as a joke, but by the third one you realized there was something strangely enjoyable about it.

 I don’t recommend it. You’ll be doing it the rest of your life. Anyway, if you’re looking for Leonard, he’s with Koothrappali.

 How nice. Here are some topics that interest me, quantum mechanics, trains, flags.

 Oh, wait. No. How about we split the difference and discuss why Austria was an archduchy and not just a regular duchy.

 Hmm. I know exactly what you should do. Unfortunately, I cannot tell you.

 I’m attempting to turn over a new leaf. Earlier today, it was pointed out to me that I tend to force my ideas on people.

 No, that train has left the station. Now, we can play this one of two ways. You can say, trains, tell me more, or you can just look at me like that and I’ll start.

 All right, then. You should take a third train where you audition for the movie but hold off on making a career decision until you have more information.

 Well, Penny, who’s smarter, the wise man or the person who comes to him for advice?

 No, it’s the wise man. That’s why he’s called the wise man. You know how I know that? I’m the wise man.

 Uh, just out of curiosity, why didn’t you ask Leonard for advice about this?

 You didn’t let me finish. And also regarding the bat, it has sonar.

 I’m sorry. I was trying to think of what rhymes with nose of the aardvark.

 Get together tonight? Leonard, stop trying to control everything, and give poor Raj a chance to come up with what we should do. Go ahead, Raj.

 Building on building on that, there’s a new build-your-own pizza place on Colorado.

 Yeah, I never cared for that. It’s advertising to predator races just how soft and squishy we are.

 Oh, don’t be offended. You know, of the four of us, you have the most veal-like consistency.

 Perhaps Howard meant passive-aggressive like asking our group to help on your project, and then only choosing Leonard.

 I sure did. Oh, my goodness. Well, from Jabba’s head to ice cream with Darth Vader, I’m having a heck of a ride. Yeah, look, clearly, good things happen when I’m in charge. Now, why don’t you boys step aside, let me knock this project out?

 Leonard, who’s really in charge? The person in charge, or those who put him in charge?

 No, the guy in charge is in ch… why is everyone so bad at these?

 At the end of the ceremony, all the students throw those pointy hats in the air. It’s all pomp and circumstance until someone loses an eye.

 All I see is a black screen. And my own reflection. I look sad.

 Why would they say at least? Is it ten toggles? Is it a hundred toggles? You know? Is it a thousand toggles? Ten thousand toggles? A hundred thousand toggles?

 All right, that seems simple enough. Initiating calibration sequence. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Well, I suppose ten is technically at least ten. But they’re still getting at least one angry letter.

 Initiating rotation sequence. Don’t look at me, initiate. What does red and yellow mean?

 Oh. Very well. Re-initiating calibration sequence. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten… eleven. It’s a good thing I didn’t send that letter.

 We did it. Oh, if it’s this much fun to rotate, imagine when we fly it.

 Well, don’t worry. He went to MIT. He can solve any problem, as long as it doesn’t originate in a Russian man’s colon.

 You can’t return it. Howard wiped his bottom with the warranty.

 I think metaphorically. But he was in the bathroom for a while.

 Very impressive. You know, when you’re done with that, can you look at this? It doesn’t make smoke anymore.

 Mm. Sorry. Ah, maybe it’s for the best. I hear locomotive smoke is the second leading cause of death among train aficionados.

 Initiate landing sequence. Initiate landing sequence. Hey, the camera’s working. Oh, look, it’s me.

 Well, my mother’s been there for every honour I’ve won since I beat out my twin sister for the did it on the potty trophy. How does this look?

 You act like I didn’t get you that mushroom log on Valentine’s Day.

 Maybe they’ll be best friends. One of them is brilliant, one is sweet and simple. Sound familiar?

 Oh, it’s quite straightforward, actually. It describes a new model of the universe that conceptualizes it as the surface of an n-dimensional superfluid.

 Listen, Leonard’s mom is a renowned psychiatrist and woman of science. Can you please keep the Bible babble to yourself while she’s here?

 Of course not. I love you. I’m just embarrassed by the things you believe, do and say.

 Beverly, would you like to see the math I worked out to support our hypothesis?

 Ooh, good question. Everyone loves stories about Sheldon Cooper, boy genius.

 Well, I had just begun puberty. It was figuratively and literally one of the hairiest moments of my life.

 Oh, true. But all the clenching in the world will not keep testicles in your abdomen.

 Oh, no, not at all. No, we, uh, found a place online that, uh, repurposes diamond drill bits.

 Well, now I have to correct you. As a bit of an elephant seal buff, the more accurate comparison would be when two mother seals actively seek to nourish the same pup. So I believe the term you’re looking for is a double mother suckler.

 Okay, well, now that we have the terminology straightened out. How dare you.

 It is not my fault that your mother likes me better than she likes you.

 Oh, it’s all right. She’ll forgive you. She has to or she goes to hell.

 Well, you doled out affection as a reward for achievement, a proven way to raise a child. Or train a rat.

 I’d feign modesty at this point, but who would believe me? Still, you need to consider how successful Leonard’s brother and sister are.

 Perhaps. But my mom made me spaghetti with chopped-up hot dogs whenever I wanted, so who cares?

 I know. Do you think I should start watching The Flash TV show?

 Yes. I thought, I can’t decide if I should watch The Flash TV show. I know, I’ll ask Amy. Anyway.

 Excuse me. Starting to watch a television show that might run for years isn’t a decision to take lightly. I’m wrestling with a big commitment issue here.

 Irony’s not really my strong suit. But I have been getting better with sarcasm, if you want to give that a try.

 Well, I just asked her if I should start watching the new Flash TV series.

 Baffling, right? We were necking like a couple of hooligans under the school bleachers. I stopped so I could ask the question. Next thing I know, good-bye, kissy face. Hello, yelly face.

 Oh, no, not just a season. If I’m in, I’m in for the whole run, even if the quality declines.

 Yeah. Exactly. You know, I waited ten years to see a guy everyone knows can fly, fly.

 If that happens, don’t make me wait ten years to watch you eat a tin can.

 No, and I’m confused. It’s been nearly 24 hours. Amy should have figured out she’s wrong by now.

 That’s right. It’s called foreplay. And I could make the case that you two aren’t moving forward in your relationship.

 But you’ve been engaged for over a year now, and you don’t even have a wedding date.

 Well, look at that, even when I’m causing problems, I make the world a better place. Hey, next, why don’t we tackle your penchant for whining and Penny’s love of the ol’ glug-glug?

 Ah, well, very well. So does this mean you’ll finally pick a wedding date?

 My aunt and uncle were married 63 years. Towards the end, it was like watching cheese melt.

 Hello. Listen, I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships and how difficult they can be, and I think…

 Well, Gollum, you’re an expert on rings. What do I do with this one?

 Some important new information has come to light. Women are the worst. I thought it was paper cuts, but I was wrong. No piece of paper ever cut me this deep.

 Yes. If I ever talk about going out with a girl again, roll your eyes at me like I do to you when you say dumb things.

 Did she say anything about me? Never mind. I don’t care. Well, if you care, you can find out and tell me. Just don’t be shocked when you find out that I don’t care.

 Your marriage is causing her pain? Yeah, great, I take it back. Go ahead and do it. Yay for love.

 The Lord of the Rings trilogy was nearly 11 hours. I made you watch that, you said it was an eternity.

 Very well. You seem to be headed somewhere. May I walk with you?

 Why? Is there someone else? Just couldn’t wait for that first notch on your bedpost, could you?

 Your friends? Well, I think you mean my friends. And why wasn’t I invited to this?

 I didn’t want to come in. I was told it would make everyone feel uncomfortable. So I’ll just stay out here and pretend that I don’t have to go to the bathroom.

 I see what’s happening. Sides are forming. Well, if Bernadette’s on Amy’s team, I pick Howard.

 Amy, I don’t understand, are we broken up or not? It’s like you can’t make up your mind.

 Well, you should think fast, because men can sire offspring their entire lives, but those eggs you’re toting around have a sell-by date.

 I just wanted to let you know that you can remove Amy from your nightly prayers. Unless you’re open to praying for a beehive to fall on her head.

 No, I’ll be okay. But I think that I’d like to send the ring back to you.

 It’s over for me. I’m done with women. Like when I swore off Pop Rocks. They both hurt you on purpose.

 Wow. Well, marriage must agree with you. Well, you are just glowing.

 Leonard told me what happened, so I took it upon myself to make you a hot beverage.

 Yeah. I know. Turns out, being sweet isn’t enough to keep a girl these days. I blame Madonna.

 Well, I’m sorry about Leonard. Thought I raised him better than that.

 Oh, you don’t need to worry about her. She’s brilliant and attractive. She can do way better

 Wait a minute. I know this may sound far fetched, but I’m on the market now. You know, if I dated Mandy, that would teach both Leonard and Amy a lesson.

 Oh, you’re right. I could never be with a woman whose self-esteem was so low she’d be with Leonard.

 Yeah, I know. Forever. Who would have believed these things would happen to us?

 Hang on. You knew that she was going to end it with me? Did you try and stop her?

 Do what makes her happy? She plays the harp and her car is paid for. How much happier can she be?

 No, no, no, no. We are done here. Would you mind opening the door and then angrily slamming it behind me?

 You would never kiss me and make me say I love you and then break up with me.

 And you know why? ‘Cause you’re a man. The champagne of genders.

 Yeah, well, and you admit it, like a man. All you hear women say is, I’ll just have a salad. You know? Where’s my lip gloss? I think this element should be called radium. That last one was Madame Curie.

 You know what? She was kind of an honorary man. She had a penis made of science.

 Perhaps you can think of this n a more positive light. In one day, you’ve managed to do what it takes many couples decades to achieve.

 Me neither. But I just had a tickle in my throat, not profound marital problems.

 Glad you asked. As I see it, there’s a simple solution. Your lips had a dalliance with the lips of another woman. It seems only logical that to restore balance to the relationship, you should find another man and dally with him. And by dally, I mean some hardcore mouth-on-mouth action.

 I will tell you what is happening. I am saving my best friend’s marriage.

 I understand we’re no longer a couple, but I would like to remind you that we made a baby together.

 Sonny and Cher made it work. Their variety show kept going long after the divorce, and here we are still talking about them.

 You must be thinking about Donny and Marie, ’cause you and I are clearly talking about Sonny and Cher.

 Well, if you want to see less of me, maybe we should go out again.

 I’m here to return your belongings. That’s what people who’ve broken up do.

 On the contrary, you no longer get to enjoy my charming eccentricities. We’re not friends with benefits.

 Wait. Don’t you want to go through it to make sure I haven’t forgotten anything?

 Hey, you broke up with me. It is none of your business whose naked bosom I’m smooshing around like pizza dough.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Hmm. Tables work, too. Good to know.

 Now, forgive me for eavesdropping, but as I see it, there’s a simple solution.

 Well, right now, Penny’s imagination is running wild, but if they meet, that will eliminate the mystery and alleviate her fears. Like when that Sparkletts guy let me look under his eye patch.

 In Leonard? Oh, even the Sparkletts guy could see that’s unlikely.

 But enough about the Czech Republic. Let’s talk about the time Moldova made Romania a birthday cake and Romania said it tasted good even though it didn’t. And yet Romania gets dumped. I’ll pause here while you mull that one over. I know, right?

 I don’t know why you’re so surprised. I watch movies, I see what people do.

 Plane tickets and hotel reservations for a weekend away in San Francisco.

 Yeah, there’s Fisherman’s Wharf and Alcatraz and cable cars. We’re gonna have so much fun.

 Is it that the glucosinolates which give mustard its flavour were evolved by the cabbage family as a chemical defence against caterpillars?

 Well, I’d hardly call this kidnapping. Where’s the blindfold? Where’s the duct tape? Where’s the part where you call me and demand ransom and I try to keep you on the phone, but you hang up seconds before I can trace it and then I say I’m getting too old for this crud?

 You’re seriously going to get in a van and let these two take you to an unknown destination for an entire weekend?

 Leonard, don’t be fooled. I’m from Texas, Me-hi-co is Spanish for Mexico.

 Uh, mariachi bands, wild dogs, beans that jump around ’cause there’s a worm inside.

 How can you be sure? VHS was king when Feynman drove this van. For all we know, there are hidden compartments lousy with Jane Fonda workout videos.

 You can never be too careful. I got one last year before I went to Epcot.

 I usually don’t put too much stock in charms and talismans. However, even I must admit feeling Richard Feynman’s butt dent cupping my own bottom that does get the creative juices flowing.

 What if it’s banditos shooting at us? What if we get kidnapped? What if we end up in a factory making Bart Simpson piñatas for the rest of our lives?

 If I see one scorpion, I am getting on someone’s shoulders and never coming down.

 Right. Archimedes once said give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum on which to place it, and I shall move the world.

 Everybody hold on. Let’s take this problem one step at a time. First, we need to decide whether we’re calling it leever or lehver. And the sooner we decide it’s leever, the sooner we can roll up our sleeves, not slehves, and get to work.

 Ooh, the Green Lantern’s ring could make a big green hand that unscrews it.

 Oh, please, the Hulk would never get across the border with that temper.

 Yes, we could use science. But it’s your bachelor party. Lighten up.

 What an innovative solution. Perhaps I don’t give your MIT education enough credit.

 All right, this rust, combined with the aluminium recovered from the van, is now thermite.

 Blue Icees and a trip to The Container Store? It’s like I died and went to the post-mortem, neuron-induced hallucination commonly mistaken as heaven.

 Age is a state of mind, Leonard. In here I’m 90. Why are you taking your bins over there?

 So that’s all this day was? A plan to butter me up before delivering bad news?

 No, I thought we were friends. You asked for a sip of my Icee. If you had your own straw, I might’ve said yes.

 You know what they don’t sell at The Container Store? Something large enough to contain my disappointment. Although, if anyone did, it would be them.

 As my relationships with Penny and Amy are currently strained, I’m turning to you for female comfort and encouragement.

 I tried reaching out to my mother, but she was in Bible study. Leonard’s mother is on a book tour. My Mee-Maw was taking a nap, and after a while Siri started repeating her answers.

 Well, in addition to Amy leaving me, Leonard’s moving in with Penny. It’s difficult not to feel abandoned.

 Perhaps I could find someone better than Leonard. Someone I can rub in his face. Chris Pratt’s all the rage right now. I wonder how he’d feel about taking the smaller bedroom.

 Well, it’s not like I’m never going to see you two again. Which brings us to article 23 subsection C, please check here to reserve your spot at the ten year roommate reunion.

 No, but if you want chicken and get stuck with the fish, that’s on you. All right. Oh, and lastly, please initial here to confirm that ownership of the living room couch is hereby transferred to me in perpetuity all throughout the universe and all alternate universes except for those universes where owning a couch is forbidden by the hive queen. In which case, all glory to the hive queen. All right, now all that’s left is for us to sign and date the document, and we will officially no longer be roommates.

 It says here you’re a chemist. Which element on the periodic table do you feel is too big for its britches?

 In general, would you say that you smell better, worse or the same as you do right now?

 I was going to ask you what is the best fruit, but then I realized what I want to ask you is why is there a Band-Aid on your forearm, but then I realized what I really want to ask you is just can you just go?

 You’re healthy. You have a job in the sciences. I’ve got to say, if this credit report comes back good, you’re the frontrunner.

 But I met with 11 people, and they all walked out. And that Hollywood phoney Chris Pratt never tweeted me back.

 I suppose. What happened to me, Amy? Years ago I was completely disengaged from my feelings. I’d say it was a happier time, but I was disengaged from my feelings, so who can tell?

 They didn’t used to be. You and Leonard and Penny, you all poisoned me with emotions. I was like the Tin Man, perfectly content until that evil wizard gave him a heart.

 Fine, then I was like Pinocchio before that jerk Geppetto went and made him a real boy.

 Oh, I wish I could, but I realized I’ve become too emotionally vulnerable, so, like an operating system, I’m restoring my life to the last stable version, which was in 2003, the day before I met Leonard.

 No, just because I’m living my life like it was 12 years ago doesn’t mean I’m delusional. And since it is 2003, I don’t know who you are, so please exit the premises before I call the police on my stylish new flip phone.

 In my present, it’s in the future. In your present, it’s been crammed in the bedroom by an enterprising young man I met in The Home Depot parking lot.

 No, what I’m doing is trying to figure out how to live my life now that everyone is leaving me.

 How can you say that? Amy’s gone, and you two are married now, so it’s only a matter of time before you’re gone, too.

 No, I do. Eventually you’ll want more space, and you’ll move into a house, and then instead of dinner a couple of times a week, it’ll only be a couple of times a month, and then it’ll only be on special occasions, like when Bernadette divorces Wolowitz. Or, or, or like when Koothrappali’s weird girlfriend admits where she buried his body. Or Amy’s wedding, where she’s marrying someone better than me.

 You can. I’m happy when you come home. And I’m scared of fireworks. By the way, on July Fourth, we’re all sleeping here.

 All right, great. Just give me one minute, and I’ll get started on a new roommate agreement. Yeah. nothing from Pratt, we’re good.

 According to a recent study, simply thinking about exercise, even while sitting still, can have physical benefits. For all you know, I could be exercising right now.

 Interesting. Sword fighting does hold a certain elegant appeal. And I would imagine it meets many of our personal criteria for a sport.

 And as an added bonus, the word touché comes from fencing. It would be our only opportunity to use it in a non-metaphorical sense.

 Technically, swashbuckler is a combination of two terms. Swash referring to the sound of the sword. Swash. And then buckler meaning a small shield, which you don’t have.

 Well, I’m not sure I have a dominant leg. They’re both pretty submissive.

 Uh, yes, I’m aware. But if I say I want to touch one of my friends, I’ll get called into Human Resources.

 You know, when my honour is insulted, and I need to challenge someone to a duel by slapping them across the face with my glove.

 If you intend to pursue Amy, you leave me with no choice but to put a stop to it.

 That is why the duel will take place at high noon, three years from today. If you’re worth your salt as an instructor, I should be ready by then. Yeah, and be warned. I’m going to touch you all over.

 Look at this blister. Like it or not, we’re athletes now. Besides, a bar is where I belong. I’m having female problems.

 True, but Penny’s married, and so is Bernadette. And your girlfriend has red hair and white skin, which really rubs up against my clown phobia.

 There’s that prostate doctor, but I’m still mad at her. Oh, there’s a woman. I’ll make her my girlfriend.

 Excuse me. I’m recovering from a recent breakup, and I’m told asking out another woman might make me feel better. And as Ash Ketchum said to Pikachu, I choose you.

 Ah, what might have been. And you, give my regards to Barnum and Bailey.

 And kind of delicious. I wonder how many licks it would take to get to the centre of me.

 It was pretty easy. And I think my background in mathletics helped. Barry Kripke was there. I should let you know that he expressed interest in asking you out.

 Okay. But don’t get too attached to him. in two years, 364 days, he’s a dead man.

 Interesting. I asked two women out today, and they both said no.

 Before I tell you, perhaps I should soften the blow. You’re face is pleasingly symmetrical.

 A Swedish team of physicists is trying to scoop our super-fluid vortex experiment.

 That kind of stinks? Why aren’t you more upset? Did I soften the blow too much? Because this here is more like a Picasso painting.

 A month? What? Are you kidding me? That would have been a good time for you to soften the blow.

 He said be honest, so I was honest. Didn’t your mother tell you? It’s the best policy. So, what do you say?

 Leonard, if that Swedish team beats us, I will never be able to enjoy anything from their country again. Which is a shame, because Swedish meatballs are my favourite toothpick-delivered meatball.

 Really? You know I don’t like buying things at night. January 7th, 2009, I went to the Ralph’s at 11:30pm to pick up Cracklin’ Oat Bran for the morning and what did I see?

 Oh, of course. An nondescript, white panel van. You may be familiar with it from the sentence, their bodies were found in a nondescript, white panel van.

 Wait, hold on, hold on. How do we know that you’re not gonna take the money and drive away?

 Exactly what 1970s television crime dramas have taught us. You give us the helium first.

 Guess I’m not the only one who watches ’70s television crime dramas.

 Well, he is. I’m a wedding planner who can’t find love himself. It’s ironic, but the point is we can’t trust you. You’re a sketchy character in a parking garage.

 Well, I never thought of it like that. Boy, frame of reference will just sneak up on you, won’t it?

 Not technically. In chess, a stalemate refers to a situation in which there are no remaining moves. Uh, you have plenty of moves available. You could beat us up and steal the money. You could kill us, you know. Really, you’re only limited by your imagination.

 Not necessarily. Uh, many argue the essence of a Mexican standoff is that no one can walk away from the conflict without incurring harm.

 Let me give you an example. Earlier today, I decoded the headers on your e-mail, and I know that your name is Kenneth Fitzgerald. From that, I figured out where you live and where you work. Now, to make this a Mexican standoff, I would say something like, uh, you give us the helium or I’ll turn you in to the authorities.

 Perfect. Now we really are in a Mexican standoff. Is this one of those times where I’ve won the battle but lost the war?

 Space-time can be interpreted as the surface of an n-dimensional superfluid.

 And I’m sorry I lied about being a wedding planner who can’t find love. Although I am currently single, if you know anybody.

 Did you hear that, Leonard? There’s plenty we could do about it. Do you have a card?

 Leonard, we should probably have our story straight in case we get caught.

 Well, you can’t be sure of that. What if the helium dealer rats us out? What if Kripke asks where we got it? What if the university checks my family tree and finds out I don’t have an Uncle Harvey?

 It’s partially torn off, but the segment that remains reads property of and the letter U.

 Yeah, but what if it’s Property of U.S. Government? There’s a national helium reserve in Amarillo, Texas. If this was stolen from there, we’re accessories to a federal crime.

 That’s true. There’s the U.S. Air Force, U.S. Department of Defence, U.S. Navy, you and I are going to jail.

 Anyway, if you could just give us our money back, you can have your helium and we’ll be on our way.

 He has glasses and I’m a know-it-all, we are not built for prison.

 You’re taking advantage of us? We clarified nomenclature together.

 Well, it better not be more than a thousand dollars. That’s all I’ve got on me.

 I don’t like being extorted like this. Especially by him of all people.

 How can you trust Wikipedia if they use between to refer to three parties?

 Absolutely. But don’t be surprised if this movie sets you on the straight and narrow.

 Listen to this. I just received an e-mail from Wil Wheaton. Leonard Nimoy’s son is working on a documentary that he started with his father before he passed away. It’s about Mr. Spock and his impact on our culture.

 Well, they’re looking for fans to interview, and Wil thought I’d be good for it.

 Absolutely not. Yeah, Penny, you spent some time in front of the camera. Any words of advice?

 This is a documentary about Mr. Spock. I’m sure if there’s nudity, it will be tasteful.

 Oh, it’s nice to meet you. I admire your father’s work very much. It’s not every day I get to meet someone whose life’s journey began in my hero’s scrotum.

 All right. But this better not be some elaborate scheme to get me out of my shirt.

 The first episode of Star Trek: The Original Series I ever saw was The Galileo Seven. Uh, Spock had just landed on the planet Taurus II. Then my brother came in, sat on my head, and said eat farts. After that day, I was hooked. On Star Trek, not my brother’s sphincter-based cuisine.

 I think the same thing that appeals to people everywhere, the dream of a cold, rational world entirely without human emotion. Spock came from a planet governed only by logic. You know, on Vulcan, when your brother asks, why are you hitting yourself? the answer is, I’m not. You’re moving my arm. To which he says, Fascinating. And then you both watch educational television.

 I have many. My most treasured is an autographed napkin given to me by my very thoughtful friend Penny. That’s her over there.

 No offence, but this is pure 100% Nimoy. Because of your mother, you’re only 50%. Which isn’t bad, but anything that you wipe your mouth on gets thrown away.

 All right then. See? Just my valuables. My passport, uh, my will.

 Yeah. My 1/18 scale Wil Wheaton action figure. I also have the other kind of will, and in it I will my Wil back to Wil.

 Oh. That is an engagement ring that I was going to give my girlfriend Amy.

 No, no. This has been in my family for generations. Except for a short time when Comanches cut off my great-great-great-grandmother’s finger and stole it.

 No. The Texas Rangers tracked them down to their village and slaughtered every last one of them. It was a happy ending. Well, for my nine-fingered Nana.

 No, not at all. No, I’m fine. You know, Amy had reservations about our relationship, so all worked out for the best.

 Yes. Oh, for example, three years ago when I discovered Penny was eating all my Pop-Tarts, instead of getting angry or vindictive, you know, I got a floor safe.

 Oh, certainly. Uh, when I was eight years old, Billy Sparks cornered me in the playground. I asked myself what would Spock do? Then I grabbed Billy on his shoulder and performed my first Vulcan nerve pinch.

 Oh, not at all. As I said, the entire point of emulating Spock was to rise above human emotion, which I’ve spent a lifetime mastering.

 Not true. No, look at me. I had an engagement ring to give a girl, and instead, she rejected me. And am I emotional about that? No. No, I am sitting here on a couch, talking about my favourite TV character like nothing happened. ‘Cause I am just like him, all logical, all the time.

 Because when I speak at a regular volume, no one seems to believe me that I’ve put this Amy nonsense behind me.

 Do you think they’re going to put my outburst in the documentary?

 Well, there’s no point in dwelling on it. As the Vulcans say, Kup-fun-tor ha’kiv na’ish Du stau.

 Well, this is ridiculous. Being upset about Amy all the time isn’t accomplishing anything. If I want to resolve this situation, then I need to take action.

 I’m going to find her and ask her to marry me. And if she says yes, we can put this behind us and resume our relationship. And if she says no, well, then she can just ponfo miran.

 Yeah, right. You can just shut your feelings off. There goes television, lying to us again. We let you raise our children, and this is the thanks we get. Leonard, how could I have been so foolish to try and follow in the footsteps of a made-up alien race with no emotions?

 They’d just be so much more comforting if they came out of a television.

 Oh, Dr. and Mrs. Hofstadter, lovely to see you this fine morning.

 Yeah, I am indeed. I have decided, instead of wallowing in sadness about Amy, it is time that I find myself a new female companion.

 I realized something. When Amy was in my life, I was hyper-focused on my work and ignored her.

 No, I need a new woman in my life to ignore so I can hyper-focus on my work again.

 Ooh, that’s a lot of carbohydrates for a man on the prowl. You know what? You eat it. You’re married, it doesn’t matter what you look like.

 Well, it was the two of you who found Amy Farrah Fowler for me. Now that I’m looking for my next girlfriend, it seemed only logical that I employ your services once again.

 Oh, no, it’s all right. I think of my time with Amy as a stick of Fruit Stripe gum. Sweet and enjoyable at first, but ultimately a flavourless lump of sadness.

 All I’m looking for is an educated, intelligent woman who shares my interests while retaining her own unique point of view. She should be kind, patient, and most important, unable to imagine life without me by ten o’clock tonight.

 All right, fine, she doesn’t need her own point of view. Now, chop-chop.

 Are you sure? I’ve heard that on those sites, often when you think you’re corresponding with someone, it’s actually a computer program pretending to be a real person.

 Excuse me. No one does a better job pretending to be a person than I do. Siri comes close, but I know more jokes.

 Off the top of my head? Uh, prospective women weed themselves out in a battle of wits until only one champion remains, and she shows up at my door flush with the thrill of victory, and then sits quietly by my side while I watch Daredevil.

 Oh, we’ll make the puzzles extremely challenging to eliminate unworthy candidates.

 Right now, somewhere, a woman is dividing the atomic weight of the best noble gas by the number of colours in the oldest national flag still in use.

 And, taking her first step towards a lifetime of laughter, love and, best of all, rules.

 Well, by that logic, I should be with someone short, dull and needy, eh? Not to cast aspersions, but I can’t shake a stick around here without hitting that.

 45 seconds is plenty of time for a woman to walk through that door and fall in love with me. You know, probably half that if I break out the old cow eyes.

 Oh, fine, I won’t shut my heart to the love of Jennifer Lawrence.

 I am a bit of a unicorn. Well, you certainly seem like a special lady, uh, but as you know, you missed the deadline, so thanks for playing.

 She was late. And she found atomic spectroscopy boring. Well, I wouldn’t coitus her with your genitals.

 Hey. Good news, everybody. Now that I’m no longer with Amy, I have an extra ticket to the annual Thanksgiving lunch buffet at the aquarium cafeteria. Who wants it? Well, you realize you won’t be going alone, I’ll be there the whole time. Providing fish and pilgrim facts. Can you people hear me?

 Well, I’m calling because Thanksgiving is coming up, and I wanted to offer you the aquarium tickets.

 No. They’d rather spend the holiday with each other than find out of this is the year I finally touch a starfish. Anyway, I wouldn’t want the tickets to go to waste, so take whomever you’d like.

 And feel free to tell your guest that the Myanmar catfish is also known as the pilgrim fish. In case the turkey’s dry and you need something juicy.

 Oh, and forget what I said about the Myanmar catfish. My list of marine-themed pilgrim facts is pretty short.

 I am. You know, and in an effort to reduce awkwardness as we learn how to function as friends, I printed out a list of safe topics for polite conversation.

 If there were a list of things that make me more comfortable, lists would be on the top of that list. Okay, now, oh, since last we spoke, have you acquired any pets?

 No. Um, since last we spoke, have you planned or gone on any vacations?

 I don’t know if I’d call it discussing. You kind of sat back and let me do all the work. Let’s see, what’s next on the list. Oh, uh, do you whittle, and if so, what kind of knife do you use.

 Very well. I know you’ve been seeing other men. Have you had coitus with any of them?

 How many dates have you been on? Who were they with? Where’d you go? Where did you meet them? Did you sleep with them? And how much longer to the aquarium? I’m getting kind of hungry.

 You mixed them. No wonder gentleman callers are pounding down your door. Do you have any questions for me?

 I believe you. I’d believe you more if you threw a few Apple Jacks in here.

 It’s called Food, Friend, Fight. One of us chooses three aquatic creatures, and the other one must decide which he would eat, befriend, or battle.

 Well, my game is better, ’cause instead of marrying someone, you get to eat them.

 Well, I’d befriend SpongeBob but he’s not real, so I can’t do that, can I?

 Hey, let’s not pull at that thread. Okay. I’ll fight SpongeBob, because he’s so friendly we’ll just end up tickling each other. Um, I’ll befriend the seal, because he’s trainable, which is the problem I’m having with my current friends. Which means I’ll have to eat the hagfish.

 Me, too. It’s comforting to know that she and I are able to function as friends.

 Oh, I’m sure you and Leonard will be able to pull it off. (Phone rings) Oh. It’s my friend Amy. Hello.

 Well, I can’t take all the credit. It was pretty funny when that one anchovy started going the wrong way.

 Amy, I excel at many things, but getting over you wasn’t one of them. I think I need to just be your friend.

 Good. Oh, I watched a video of the hagfish producing mucus, so I’m gonna change my answer and eat SpongeBob.

 Are you sure? Sometimes when my brain really gets moving, it makes noise.

 Let’s see. Hey, I was humming. One point for Hufflepuff. What song is that?

 I feel like I know what song that is, but I can’t put my finger on it. (Singing) My country, ’tis of thee. No.

 Well, I’m not everybody. I have an eidetic memory. I should be able to remember what song this is, but I can’t. Something’s wrong with me.

 I was always afraid this day would come. This might be the first step of my descent into madness, where I gradually test the limits of public nudity.

 I’ll show you. (Into phone camera) Dear Crazy Future Sheldon, you were driven mad by an earworm. Your mind, once your most trusted asset, is now a sack of parrots and monkeys. So, I’m going to tell you everything you need to know. Uh, first, music is dangerous. The movie Footloose tried to warn us, but we wouldn’t listen. Oh, wait. (Singing) Everyody cut footloose. Nope.

 This is Penny. She is your friend. If she offers you food, it’s safe to take it. You probably paid for it, anyway.

 Sometimes he gets cranky, but you can trust him with your life. And he does more things for you than I can even begin to list.

 Well, I shouldn’t be surprised. There’s a rich history of brilliant minds descending into madness.

 Empedocles thought he was a god and jumped into a volcano. And Pythagoras had an irrational fear of beans. Tesla fell madly in love with a pigeon who he claimed loved him back.

 The list extends outside of science. Painters like Van Gogh and Pollock, chess champion Bobby Fischer, Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys. (Clip of Darling by the Beach Boys) I remember the song. It’s called Darlin’ by the Beach Boys. Oh, thank goodness. I’m not crazy. I don’t have to take a pigeon as my bride.

 Of course. I’m already seeing a more efficient way of taming the ultravi… I know why the song was in my head.

 It’s about how she made my life better. Consider the lyrics. I was living like half a man. Then I couldn’t love, but now I can. More soul than I ever had. I love the way you soften my life.”

 (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy?

 I don’t care. Amy, there was a song I couldn’t get out of my head. Eventually, I realized the song was about you, and like that earworm, I can’t get you out of my heart. So, what I’m trying to say is, you’re my heartworm. The metaphorical kind, not, not the poodle-killing kind.

 Amy, if you want to be my girlfriend again, I really want to be your boyfriend.

 All right, this goes against everything I stand for, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Lord, this is Sheldon Cooper. You’re good friends with my mom. I know I’ve spent my life denying that you exist.

 Hey, Thursday can’t get here soon enough. I’m taking off work to watch the original trilogy while I eat enough Star Wars cereal to choke a Wookiee.

 And you do realize I bought my ticket when Amy and I were broken up? I hope you didn’t need anything in that case, ’cause it’s closed.

 But someone might spoil the movie. No one can spoil Amy’s birthday for me. Surprise, she’s even older. Who saw that coming?

 In the past, you’ve come to me when I’m struggling with a dilemma.

 Well, my friends are telling me I shouldn’t abandon my girlfriend on her birthday to see the new Star Wars movie.

 Those are the robes of the Jedi, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy.

 I wanted to let you know I’ll be spending your birthday with you.

 See, I, I had tickets to the Star Wars premiere that night, but Professor Proton came to me in a dream dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi and convinced me I should be with you.

 No, I can’t. I need to make preparations for Amy’s birthday. Which leads me to the following bit of business. This is my ticket to Star Wars. I don’t have to tell you it is worth far more than its face value of fifteen dollars and fifty cents. I trust you’ll give it to someone worthy.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette.

 For future reference, if I want to watch Mean Girls, I’ll stream it on Netflix.

 Well, as you know, I’ll be celebrating Amy’s birthday with her, and I could use your assistance in helping me select the perfect gift.

 Well, so far, I’ve come up with three ideas. The first is a chance for her to play the harp with the L.A. Philharmonic.

 Well, I said a chance, you know. When you tell them it’s your birthday at Bennigan’s, they make a fuss. I don’t see why the Philharmonic would be any different.

 Well, Amy enjoys knitting her own sweaters, so I was thinking of getting her an all-expense-paid trip to the Wisconsin Sheep and Wool Festival.

 No, no, no, no. She’d be going alone. Well, if you think I’m afraid of birds, you should see me around sheep.

 Which do you think she’d prefer? Because I checked the Sheep and Wool Festival Web site, and there’s only 8,000 tickets left.

 Intimacy in any form has been challenging for me, but I’d like to show her how important she is, and it feels like now might be the right time.

 I suppose you’re here because I’ve decided to be physical with my girlfriend, and I’ve never done that before.

 This is an important night for us, and I’m worried I might be overwhelmed and ruin everything.

 Hello. Sorry I’m late. I also got you a balloon, but it floated away, and I chased it for a while.

 No, no, no. It’s your birthday. As long as no one jumps out in a hockey mask, I’ll be fine.

 I thought I could take you out to a nice birthday dinner. If we pick a place east of here, we might find the balloon.

 Oh. All right. Um. I should probably tell you something about this gift.

 I see. Is that all right? I’m sorry, but this is a litigious society. I’m gonna need verbal consent.

 Arthur. What are you doing here? I, I don’t think I need any more advice.

 Oh. It was amazing. I, I saw it a few days later. What a movie.

 Oh. Uh, uh, she liked it fine. But she doesn’t have the history with the franchise I do.

 I know how you feel. The Best Buy by my house is only the third best Best Buy. They have the best buys, but having the best buys isn’t the only thing that makes a Best Buy the best Best Buy.

 Mm, that’s a great question. I like when they’re next to a Chipotle.

 Aw, you always know just what to say after I tell you what to say.

 Bye. Oh, good news, gentlemen. Amy’s at a conference this weekend, which means I’m available to be entertained, hmm. As today’s youth might put it, who wants to get their Sheld-on?

 A doctor? Well, I hope you’re not contagious. I’ve got a weekend in the telescope room I’ve been excited about for almost three minutes.

 Well, I can be helpful. Give me something to do. You know, my father took me to work once, and in ten minutes I figured out who’d been stealing from the cash register. It was my father. Yeah, Dad lost his job, but Mr. Hinckley gave me a Fudgsicle.

 Yep, I’m on it. Hey, look at that, an Indian guy outsourcing a computer job to a white fella.

 It wasn’t difficult. You know how when you see prime numbers, they appear red, but when they’re twin primes, they’re pink and smell like gasoline?

 Oh. I guess I’m a special boy. You know, sometimes when a boy is special, he gets a Fudgsicle. Which, by the way, tastes like the speed of light.

 Well, as long as it has a healthy gravity and all its moons, I’ll be happy.

 Come on, Daddy needs a livable planet he can rule with an iron fist.

 That’s it? How common. That’s the chicken fingers on the menu of space.

 I suppose it could end up on a collision course with Earth and destroy life as we know it.

 We better choose a name no one can make fun of. Sir Frederick William Herschel didn’t do Uranus any favours.

 Oh, Leonard, great news. We discovered a medium-sized asteroid together.

 Okay, back to me. I discovered an asteroid, and now I get to name it.

 Now, this isn’t about us, this is about what’s best for the asteroid.

 It’s perfect. It appears romantic, but it’s really just a rock in space that gets me out of Valentine’s Day forever.

 I like it. Yeah, we’ll take the A-M from Amy and, uh, the Y from Emily.

 Perhaps I should explain. While working with Koothrappali, we discovered an asteroid, and I named it after you.

 Well, it took a little negotiating, but I wore him down. Uh, we get the asteroid, and if you and I have children, they all have to be named Rajesh.

 Oh, hello, everyone. I am happy to report I’m feeling much better.

 My fever is gone, my sinuses are pressure-free, and my mucus is as clear as a Yosemite waterfall.

 Well, why isn’t everyone happy? Your little ray of sunshine is ready to beam again.

 No. But I knew that his yay was sarcastic. Not bad for a guy whose last bowel movement sounded like rain on a roof.

 Oh, sure, grope every other male on the planet, but draw the line with me.

 I hope laughter is the best medicine, ’cause this care package is a joke.

 Well, in that case, try removing the irritating patch of brown skin standing next to you.

 I asked for chicken noodle. This is chicken and stars. It’s killing me.

 Physically, yes, but I’m upset because everyone’s mad at me for no good reason.

 You know how, when you’re sick, you’re allowed to be cranky and say whatever you want and other people’s feelings don’t matter?

 I had a hundred and one fever. If that’s not a time to verbally abuse my loved ones, when is?

 You know, I’m not the only one who’s unpleasant when they’re sick. When Penny got food poisoning, she threw up so loudly I could barely hear the television.

 I can consider a place America’s urinal cake and still enjoy the occasional visit.

 Can you believe they planned a trip to Las Vegas and didn’t invite me?

 You know, I liked it better when there was still a little mystery left in our relationship.

 I can’t believe you’re not on my side. I was on your side when someone stole your car radio.

 I have empathy. Watch. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him.

 Fine. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him. Hey, I felt a little something. Let me try again. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him. I was mean to him. He must have felt terrible. Oh, now I feel terrible. Neat.

 Now let me see you feel bad for lying and staying in Detroit longer than you needed to.

 Hey, if you didn’t know Bruce Willis was dead the whole time, that’s not on me. Okay. Here it comes. You tried to take care of me when I was sick, and I was mean to you. There’s no excuse for that. And I’m truly sorry.

 I want you to know that that is sincere. I do feel bad. I’m not just saying it to be included on your trip.

 Terrific. Now all that’s left is for you to invite me to come, me to ask are you sure, you to say absolutely, and then me to bring it home with, how could I say no to that face?

 What? I apologized and I meant it. I know that we don’t play this game very often, but you’re doing it wrong.

 Challenge accepted. Sounds like it’s time for the Sheldon Cooper Apology Tour.

 No, no, no, wait. I’m not done. Allow me to underscore my sentiment with a haunting rendition of Brenda Lee’s I’m Sorry played on the pan flute.

 All right, that’s eight hours of practice down the drain. And to memorialise this occasion, here are your commemorative T-shirts.

 I’m afraid it can’t. The trip is tomorrow. And I have more apologies to make.

 Wonderful. would you mind holding up this shirt while I take a quick…?

 And I want you to know that I mean it, you know? This isn’t me just wanting to go on the trip to Las Vegas.

 That would be my understanding. On a less painful subject, what size T-shirt do you take?

 And, Emily, I’m sorry for saying dermatologists aren’t real doctors. And I’m sure you’re tired of hearing that.

 Well, I would imagine when your job is popping zits and squirting Botox into old lady faces…

 I believe I can answer that. Uh, like me, Raj is demonstrating empathy. Now, why don’t you accept my apology receive your free T-shirt, uh, I hope extra small is okay. For some reason Wolowitz took a medium.

 Point of clarification, are you still going on the trip? Because if not…

 I caused that fight, I feel terrible. Wait, I can do that better. I caused that fight. I feel terrible. Yeah, wow, I don’t know which one I like more.

 No. As a fight, it was excellent. She used harsh language and slammed the door. Although as I say this, that might not have been what you were asking.

 Look at him, caring about what’s wrong with me. That is some top-shelf empathy. Hey, well, we should start a club.

 Well, that is fine, because I’ve decided that I won’t be joining you. I’ve realized that the most genuine way to demonstrate the remorse I feel is to let you have this weekend to yourselves.

 Well, I’ve been on a little trip myself recently. Not to Sin City but to Sincere City. Where instead of genital warts, the only growth you’ll come back with is personal growth.

 My plan was to jump out at the state line, but one of my nose plugs fell into the toilet.

 Before you do, please give me one more chance to apologize to Emily.

 Emily, as I’m sure you know, I’m considered an odd fellow. But what you don’t know is that, while I often say the wrong thing, in my heart I mean well. I think that you are a smart and wonderful woman, you know? And we all think that you can do better than Koothrappali.

 So, for all the times I’ve offended you and all the times that I’ll offend you in the future, I’m sorry.

 Oh, that’s very kind of you. But I’m sure you’ll all have a better time without me. Let’s go, Stuart.

 Uh, thank you. Oh, Meemaw got a new set of teeth. Oh, but then she found her old ones. Oh, so now the new ones are just gonna be her church teeth.

 Oh, you are going to love her. She is the kindest, sweetest woman you’ll ever meet. Unless you’re a gopher digging up her vegetable garden. In that case, you can expect to have your head bashed in with a shovel.

 And that’s not helpful. You know, I got her an iPhone for Christmas. I’ll see where she is.

 Oh, no, she doesn’t even know she has it. No, I had my sister slip it in her bag so that I can track her like a sea turtle.

 Uh, for the hundredth time, I smelled kettle corn and couldn’t find the cart.

 Oh. You got even smaller. I love it. Uh, Meemaw, this is Leonard. Leonard, this is my Meemaw.

 No. Oh, no. Now you call her Constance. I call her Meemaw. You have your own Meemaw. It’s not my fault she died when you were four.

 You were so cute, huffin’ and puffin’. There’s Amy. I just know you’re gonna hit it off. You both have the same fashion sense. Hello. Come in, say hi to my Meemaw.

 Yeah. And you never will. Ooh, hey, oh, ask her to do the tissue thing. Do it, ask her.

 Oh, well, you two sit down and get to know each other. I’ll get your room ready.

 A Texas Special cattle and calf car train set with authentic horn and bell. Thank you, Meemaw.

 Amy, why don’t you look excited? Well, you get to watch me play with this.

 Here you go, Meemaw. I made it just how you like, a lot in a glass.

 Well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You have to like each other. Well, we have a 4:30 reservation at Applebee’s.

 But why? Other than you two fighting, we’re having such a good time.

 My mother gave it to me, and I had been thinking about giving it to you, but then we broke up.

 All right, all right, look, l, let’s all, let’s remain calm and analyse this situation. Now, I realize that you’ve only known each other for less than a day, but is it possible this crankiness is because your cycles have synced?

 Yeah, I know. It was quite tense. So here’s the million dollar question, uh, who wants to pop over there and get my trains?

 Meemaw, look, I’m sorry, but I have to defend my girlfriend to you.

 Oh, great, now you’re gonna get emotional. I always looked up to you and Pop-Pop. I, I know what a challenging man he could be, but I saw you stand by him and-and make him into a better person.

 Yeah, well, that is exactly what I’ve been doing the last five years with this little work in progress.

 If any of you are looking for something to do on Valentine’s Day, Amy and I’ll be streaming our first-ever live episode of Fun With Flags. You’re welcome to join us as we celebrate the timeless love affair between wind and flapping fabric.

 You know, uh, once I ordered an Uber by accident. I just got in and went somewhere.

 I’m nervous. I hope people will be around to watch even though it’s Valentine’s Day.

 Oh, and speaking of Valentine’s Day, I haven’t forgotten about you tonight.

 Well, you’ve become such an integral part of my life as well as this show, I felt it only right to include your name in the title.

 So from now on, this program will be officially known as Dr. Sheldon Cooper and Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler present Dr. Sheldon’ Cooper’s Fun With Flags.

 Uh, hello and welcome to a special live edition of Dr. Sheldon Cooper…

 It’s also my gift to you. That was clear, right? ‘Cause you’re not getting anything else.

 Allow us to answer a few quick ones that we get all the time. Uh, uh, yes, I really am a doctor. Uh, yes, she really is my girlfriend.

 Yeah, you know what’s not normal? Blubbering about emotions during a flag show. Unless that emotion is excitement over New Zealand changing their flag. Yeah, good luck, you crazy Kiwis, we’re rooting for you.

 I suppose that could be a legitimate concern in a relationship. Uh, perhaps even a, a red flag. And speaking of red flags, check out this sexy number from the former Soviet Union. Hubba, hubba.

 Speaking of ending relationships, when British Honduras became Belize, they designed a new flag with a tree on it, and I would like to hang myself from that tree.

 Well, you know, here is something that might cheer you up. The flag of the Isle of Man is nothing but three legs sharing a weird pair of underpants, so you think you got problems.

 All right. Nothing about this is fun. No one wants to talk about flags, and I haven’t spoken in over ten minutes, so, enjoy your new show, Internet. Dr. Amy Farrah Flower present with.

 Fine. If you insist on making me a part of this, yes, I knowledge how painful they can be. However, pain has an evolutionary purpose. It provides information from the environment that, uh, behaviour isn’t good for us.

 Raj, now, I’m sorry you’re suffering. When Amy and I were broken up, I also suffered. And this may sound surprising, but I’m grateful for having gone through it.

 When, when we were apart, I learned how important you are to me. And I realize that when two people are in love, sometimes they…

 I’m glad you asked. Amy, you have a confetto in your nose. No, no, no, no. Other side. There you go.

 Well, you be sure to let us know when you win the Nobel Prize for boysenberry.

 Because this changes everything. What about comic book night? Uh, what about playing games together? What about our trips to Disneyland? How can we do those things with a child around?

 Oh, really? Okay, well, would a baby have to shave once every 11 days?

 Not to mention the impact on our social circle. Everything’s going to change. Howard won’t be able to come over as much.

 Oh, but then we’d have to baby-proof the apartment. You know, my sister has one of those toilet locks in her bathroom. I have two doctorates, I still had to go in the sink.

 Forget helium. The real superfluid is the fruit punch in this mug. Reminds me of my daddy’s secret don’t tell mama juice.

 This place is terrific. Why. why have we never been here before?

 That’s some smart talk from a guy who can’t even keep his face in focus. Where’s the bathroom?

 You guys, the bathroom here is amazing. There’s people cooking in it.

 This video. The baby panda sneezes, and the mama panda gets so scared.

 All right. Look, now, this may be the rum talking, but as long as the unpinning rate of the vortices is kept within 1.1 and 1.3, the Magnus force issue should be negligible.

 Of course he’s right. You and I both know how hard it is growing up without a father. That’s why I’m confident you’re gonna be the best dad you can be.

 You’re welcome. And if he has twins, we can do all kinds of neat experiments on them.

 Wonderful. I’m being musically encouraged to bust a move. If I knew what that meant, I might just do it.

 A microphone, a room full of inaccurate depictions of Polynesian religion, and a captive audience to hear about it? You bet I am.

 You’re kidding. What kind of maniacs have coitus in someone else’s bedroom?

 Just one example of how birthdays can be terrible. Now, can we please drop this subject and pick a new one? I suggest how thick can a soup get before it becomes a stew? You know, the answer, it may surprise you.

 Fine. As you know, I have a twin sister with whom I obviously share a birthday. Every year we’d have a party. No one I invited would ever come, because they didn’t like me.

 Oh, that part wasn’t so bad. I didn’t like them, either. But then I’d inevitably spend the whole day being tortured by my sister’s friends.

 When I was six, they told me Batman was coming to my party. I waited by the door for hours. Closest thing to Batman I saw was when a robin flew into the window.

 Very well. You may celebrate my life by throwing a party with cake, presents and a shower of admiration and love. But then you owe me big-time.

 Uh, Mylar balloons, yes. Latex balloons, no. Water balloons, I will jump off the roof and aim for your car.

 Well, my favourite is chocolate with strawberry frosting, three layers, and if there’s writing on it, make sure it’s not all caps. I don’t need my dessert yelling at me.

 But this is my birthday suit. Are you having a stroke? Because that’s the kind of thing that just ruins a birthday party.

 No. No, if I can walk past that pet shop with the parrot in the window, I suppose I can do this.

 Uh, um, uh, thank you all so much for coming. Beverly. Wil Wheaton. Adam West, for some reason.

 I don’t know. I looked around the room, and I saw all the faces and the presents, and it, it was just too much.

 I know that you worked hard to put this together. I’m sorry I’m ruining it.

 Hello, everyone. I, I’d like to apologize for my behaviour. I hope it hasn’t put a damper on the party. So, please, enjoy yourselves. Oh, this is quickly getting out of hand.

 Aw, Amy, that was lovely. You know, this is fun. Let’s do more. Someone else say something wonderful about me.

 Little generic. Keep thinking. We’ll circle back. Wil Wheaton, go.

 That’s how you do it, Wolowitz. Now you see why he’s famous and you’re not.

 And it was Sheldon Cooper who said let’s speed this up. A lot of people want to talk.

 You know, I used to hate these hugs. Now they’re just extremely irritating.

 I’ve never applied for a patent before. I wanted to make a good impression.

 That’s outrageous. This is our idea based on our research. How can you possibly justify owning a majority share?

 Great, so they own my idea for a T-shirt that says Dumb as a Bag of Geologists.

 To be clear, Leonard is referring to the gyroscope, not the T-shirt and mugs. Oh, now they own the mugs.

 I’ll say it looks good. It’s in my proprietary font, Shelvetica.

 Excuse me. I’ve been drafting contracts since kindergarten. Didn’t need a lawyer to get me out of finger painting. Don’t need one now.

 If she doesn’t think that we should apply for this patent, she’s being patently absurd.

 Are you suggesting a limited liability corporation? ‘Cause I did not L-L-see that coming.

 Well, I believe I’m treating you generously. That’s why I’ve stipulated in the contract that your contributions to our invention are as valuable as my own.

 No, I am not saying that, because I kept saying that this morning and Leonard said stop saying that.

 Oh, please. Any contract I sign is enforced by my own personal code of ethics.

 Yeah, that, too. And scoot over. Part of your shadow’s on my spot.

 Oh, I’ve always valued education over money. And the very fact that you needed a written guarantee of respect made me realize how dismissive I’ve been of your contributions.

 And I just hope that this scholarship can rescue your child from the subpar education and menial life of an engineer.

 Ah. Yeah, I had to get a little creative because the S, R and M keys on my laptop stopped working.

 The sound is cutting out. I can’t read that. The video is failing.

 Choosing a new laptop Is an incredibly personal ritual. You have taken away weeks of agonizing thought, tedious research, sleepless nights filled with indecision. I, haven’t I lost enough today?

 Oh, oh, the guy. Oh, pardon me. I didn’t realize you’d spoken to the guy. Yeah, tell me, did the guy choose one with a 4K display and a Thunderbolt port?

 Yeah? Did the guy make sure that this has a one terabyte solid-state drive?

 Yeah? Oh, well, was this guy Rick from Computer Solutions on Colorado?

 Fine. I’m sorry. Thank you for the thoughtful gift. I really do appreciate it. As you know, I had become attached to my old laptop. But I’m sure, in time, that this one will… Jeepers creepers, that started up fast.

 Look at the 4K resolution. Next time we Skype, I’m gonna count all those nostril hairs.

 Well, no, I just, I, I don’t want to recycle it. And I don’t want store credit.

 No, I meant turn right, and you missed it. Maybe you do need to know.

 Just wait. You know what? Actually, yes, thank you. Welcome to my Fortress of Shame.

 It’s basically everything I’ve ever owned. Um, every book, every tee shirt, every piece of broken electronics. Just all of it.

 Well, oh, it’s just a, it’s a, a golf ball that my brother threw at my head. You can still feel the dent. It’s right next to the hockey puck dent.

 I used to collect them as a child. The spiral of scales open in the Fibonacci sequence. A fact that, when you tell your brother, gets a golf ball thrown at your head.

 I’d like to say it’s nostalgia, but every time I think of throwing anything away, my ears start to ring, and I get butterflies in my stomach. And then it feels like the butterflies get eaten by rats, and then the, the rats get eaten by…

 Because I’m a fraud. No. I purport to be a man of the mind. I’ve been such a, a vocal champion of the singularity, but how can I leave my body behind and become one with the internet when I’ve never even thrown a toothbrush away?

 I have an old teddy bear I secretly wiped my nose on for years.

 What good is having a girlfriend if you can’t unload your psychological sewage on her?

 Oh, I feel closer to you, too. You know, it’s still a couple of hours until my bedtime.

 I was enjoying some virtual reality, until you ruined it with your actual face.

 Oh, it’s car air freshener. I was simulating the smell of the forest.

 Hmm? Oh. Amy showed me a compelling study that demonstrated the cognitive benefit of spending time in the wilderness.

 Well, make your jokes, but some of the participants who spent four days in the woods away from all technology reported a fifty percent gain in reasoning skills upon their return.

 I hardly think so. You be sure and say hello to all the mosquitoes, bees, bears, snakes, possums, poison oak, oh, and last, but not least, teenagers with guitars.

 Well, cell service is down to one bar, so if anyone needs medical attention or to tell a stranger their political views are stupid, now’s the time.

 Once. The battery ran out on my phone. I had to wait for my iPad to turn on.

 Eh, most of the Jenga pieces are missing and the Scrabble only has seven tiles, so unless you want to build an unimpressive structure with the word shnerpf next to it, move on.

 Ah, it’s basic thermodynamics. I’m sure we can figure that out.

 Oh, well now, we’ll never win. You always play the drinking game.

 Hey, now, wait. Have we started? Do I drink? What is happening?

 No, I crossed in the middle of the street. And normally, I wouldn’t, but I saw an aggressive-looking Girl Scout, and it was the heart of cookie season. Anyway, there was a police officer, and he witnessed the whole thing.

 No, he didn’t do anything. So I said, you just saw me jaywalk, why aren’t you doing your job? You know? May, maybe I should arrest you for, for impersonating a police officer.

 All right, my turn. Mm. Oh, I know. Never have I ever kept a secret bank account, because I think my wife can’t handle money. Did I win? I feel like I won.

 Well, we’re only watching Game of Thrones. A party sub implies it’s a party.

 I like a party as much as the next man, as long as the next man doesn’t like a party. Oh, by the way, don’t forget, tomorrow is our quarterly roommate agreement meeting.

 Hmm? Well, it sounds like the kind of thing one would bring up at a quarterly roommate agreement meeting. Lucky for you it’s tomorrow.

 Well, you have to go. It’s Penny’s first time leading the Pledge of Allegiance.

 And yet you get to weigh in. Democracy, it’s pretty cool, isn’t it?

 He says he’s not coming to the roommate agreement meeting tomorrow.

 Oh, fine. We don’t have to have a roommate agreement meeting if you don’t want to.

 Of course, it will require a vote. Unfortunately, my official gavel is in my bedroom, but luckily, I have my travel gavel.

 There’s a motion on the floor, I’m ridiculous. Do we have a second? Hmm? Hmm? There is no second. The motion is denied. Next time, make sure you have the votes first. That was embarrassing.

 Oh, I don’t know. Theon Greyjoy looks pretty good for a guy who had his genitals cut off.

 Tonight I’ll be watching a show rated M.A., and that stands for mature audiences, buster.

 Meeting, meeting, bo-beeting, banana-fana, fo-feeting, fee-fi mo-meeting.

 Well, then you don’t understand what’s happening. See, Leonard refused to participate in a mandatory quarterly roommate agreement meeting. This is what a generation raised on Bart Simpson looks like.

 It’s not always because they die. In one case, it’s because they’ve become involved with underground tree people from the dawn of time. Yeah, but I won’t say who it is. It’s Brann.

 Well, I’ll catch you up. Uh, Penny is angry at Leonard, Leonard’s angry at me and Penny, I’m angry at Leonard and Amy, Raj is angry at Howard, and I’m angry at George R.R. Martin ’cause there are no new books for me to spoil for Leonard.

 Interesting fact, in Italian, the morta in mortadella means death.

 Cersei uses her body to manipulate men. Penny just takes me to The LEGO Store.

 Well, the important thing is I said that big sandwich would ruin everything, and I was right.

 They don’t wear bicycle helmets in Game of Thrones. You’re thematically inaccurate, but I applaud your commitment to safety.

 If Batman were bitten by a radioactive Man-Bat, and then fought crime disguised as Man-Bat, would he be Man-Bat-Man-Bat-Man or simply Man-Bat-Man-Bat-Batman?

 Personally, I find the notion of external rewards demeaning. I pursue science for the intrinsic joy of discovery.

 I also say don’t contradict me in front of my friends, but that you don’t remember.

 Wine again? Yeah, no, thank you. I like my grapes the old-fashioned way, in a juice box.

 I shouldn’t have to see my girlfriend get groped in public by another man.

 Well, it makes perfect sense. Because you’re an expectant mother, you can’t drink alcohol. I don’t like to. You can’t have sushi. I don’t like to. You can’t go in hot tubs. I consider them vats of sweaty people soup.

 Oh, come on. Roller coasters, caffeine, runny eggs, I’ve been avoiding these things all my life. And now, because you’re pregnant, you have to.

 Well, little lady, you’ve heard of party hearty, get ready to party hardly.

 You know, it’s like how I play Warlords of Ka’a with you and Elder Sign with Frank and Alicia.

 You, you and I spend a lot of time together. Can there be a little mystery between us?

 Here goes nothing? This is the initial test of our prototype. Can we give it a little more gravitas?

 Eh, maybe it’s your voice. I’m gonna see if I can get James Earl Jones to do it in post.

 Yes. And we’re going to prove that we don’t need alcohol to enjoy ourselves.

 Or caffeine, tobacco, sushi, soft cheese, processed meats and jacuzzis, which can all be harmful to an unborn baby.

 Oh, no bubble baths either. They can increase the risk of a urinary tract infection.

 Oh, and no swordfish, king mackerel, shark or tilefish, which are all high in mercury.

 Oh, and no contact with guinea pigs or hamsters or their droppings, uh, no-no cat litter boxes, no paint fumes.

 Oh, the bubbles tickle my nose. I’ll just open this now so it can get nice and flat before we drink it.

 Oh, I have quite the evening planned. Our foetus-friendly festival of fun begins with an in-depth look at the world of model trains, and then we’ll kick things up a notch and explore all the different ways that you can make toast.

 When I was five, I ingested a Z gauge locomotive. I spent the next three days saying, I think I can pass it, I think I can pass it, I think I can pass it.

 What an interesting question. When I was a child, life was confusing and chaotic for me, and trains represented order. I could line them up, categorize them, control them. I guess you could say that they gave me a sense of calm in a world that didn’t.

 Well, other than when they’re chugging through your bowels, these things are magic.

 Oh, I have a feeling that once you start, you’re not gonna want to or be allowed to stop.

 Your name is Bernatrix. You are a warrior queen. You’re strong, beautiful and tall.

 I think you’re gonna like a lot of things I have in store. For example, in this world, only the men get pregnant, so your husband is home trying not to pee when he laughs.

 You’re parched and weary from battle. You stand in front of a tavern that serves the coldest, most delicious ale in all the realm.

 Good choice. Critical hit. Your sword goes through its eye into its tiny brain. With its final dying gasp, it says, you have reduced me to a pile of sushi. Enjoy me with this packet of soy sauce. It’s low sodium. Aaaah.

 Using your sword, you prepare a beautiful sushi dinner. You slip into the hot spring and enjoy the warm water on your aching joints. As you happily close your eyes, you recall the incredible evening you’ve had and notice that your feet and ankles are smaller than they’ve ever been. The end.

 Oh, the fun doesn’t stop. You’re still going home with a goodie bag full of toast.

 I can understand that. From the moment people realized I was a genius, I’ve been Sheldon the Genius. Although I’ve never really wanted a break from that, so I suppose I don’t understand. Which is ironic ’cause, you know, genius.

 You’re welcome. And any time you need a break from being Bernadette the Pregnant, Bernatrix the Warrior Queen is here waiting.

 Well, mind you now, that offer’s only good until the third trimester. I can’t risk getting amniotic fluid on my spot.

 No, it did at first, but then I talked it through with Frank and Alicia, and they really helped put things into perspective.

 Leonard, friends are like toilet paper. It’s good to have extras under the sink.

 See, I remembered because if it looks like Kim it’s Kim, if it looks kind of like Kim it’s Kourtney, and if it looks nothing like Kim it’s Khloe.

 Oh, well, we decided to use our breakfast time to expand our respective knowledge bases.

 She can cover it in a car ride? I could do 40 minutes on your posture alone.

 Oh, well, I have a few questions for him about the last Avengers movie, and a whole lot of answers.

 Oh, bad news. Amy’s making me go shopping with her later, so looks like none of us can go.

 You don’t have the authority to save places in the line. If I do that, I’ll be cutting.

 You know the golden rule of line etiquette. No cuts, no buts, no coconuts.

 Remember when we camped out for the Doctor Who panel at Comic-Con?

 I don’t understand. You were happy to do this when I hired you. Why, why are you upset with me now?

 Hello, everyone. Oh, Beverly, good to see you. I’d love to chat, but there’s a line that could start moving any minute, so let’s do this. Amy? A proper apology requires three steps. Step one, an admission of wrongdoing. Amy, I was wrong. Step two, a promise never to repeat said action. Amy, that action will never be repeated, and that’s a promise. Step three, an earnest request for forgiveness. Amy, I hope you can forgive me. And I hope you do it right now, ’cause there’s an Uber waiting downstairs, and I don’t want to repeat this apology nonsense with my driver Ganesh.

 Oh, thanks, you’re a peach. Beverly, we’ll catch up soon. Bernadette, it was a pleasure as always, Penny, you have spinach in your teeth.

 It went well. Yeah, I’ve learned that if you never say you’re sorry, the times you do really puts them on their heels. Uh, Stuart, I relieve you of your line duties.

 Well, no. It’s not cool. If there were reserved seating, and we all had tickets, that would be fine. But this line is first-come, first-served. Not show up tardy and nevertheless be first served. Right here.

 Mrs. Wunch in fourth grade. And my slogan was a line that’s straight is a line that’s great.

 They work for SHIELD, which is a sanctioned department of the U.S. Government. Do you work for a sanctioned department of the U.S. Government?

 Excuse me, excuse me, can I please see a show of hands? Who here takes issue with this person cutting the line?

 Well, what a sad state of affairs. That you’ve all been so ground down by life, you don’t even notice when someone disrespects you.

 You know, right now, at the back of this line, there’s a movie fan like you who’s not going to get in, because this person simply doesn’t care. Yeah, well, 61 years ago, there was another person at the back of the line and her name was Rosa Parks.

 Now, let’s follow in that brave woman’s footsteps, and stand up for ourselves. And, and I realize that she stood up by remaining seated, but now is not the time to enjoy the irony of that. Now, I ask you again. Who here takes issue with this person…

 Excuse me, I paid someone to wait in line for me, and then when I arrived, he left, so what you saw, my good woman, was swapsies, not cutsies. Oh, no, no, no, no, wait, I ask you all again, a show of hands. Who here takes issue… well, stop moving. he’s gonna get in.

 Hey, good news, I just got off the phone with my mother. She is coming to the wedding.

 Yes, I’m inviting people to our wedding. Yeah, I’ve already asked Stephen Hawking and Robert Downey Jr, and, now don’t get your hopes up, ’cause he’s pretty busy, but Erno Rubik.

 Because, despite his fame and fortune, he strikes me as a lonely man.

 You know, that doesn’t work for me, let’s stay with Mrs. Cooper.

 Wu-wu, what? That’s what I called you till I got to know you better.

 I don’t know what we were worried about, they’re getting along great.

 Yeah, I do. They’re filling up on bread and ruining their meal.

 If I’d known you were broke, I wouldn’t have made a big deal about the bread.

 I think it’s pretty obvious. They don’t want dessert ’cause they filled up on bread.

 I hope you’re right. ‘Cause a grown man living with his brother and his brother’s wife is weird.

 Okay. Do you think your father’s doing unspeakable things to my mother?

 Hey, if you want me to sleep you’re gonna have to stop talking.

 Whuh, are we still doing the dumb thing? Okay, why, what’s wrong?

 Oh, excuse me, that is my mother you’re talking about, however accurately.

 You know, also, if they did have coitus, we’ll all be needing a skilled psychiatrist.

 Did that conversation include the phrase your genitals are a joy to behold?

 A man named Jesus convinced you to build a church in Africa. You’re kind of a sucker.

 What? In the Chattahoochee National Forest in Georgia? I can’t be the only one that knows that’s halfway.

 What? But he’s a mediocre academic. And according to Beverley, his sexual prowess is sub-par. He’s basically Leonard with a bigger prostate.

 Yes, while also getting in a solid dig at you. Pretty efficient, huh?

 But why should you get to go and leave me here with your bickering parents?

 Hang on, hang on. We’re smart, we can figure this out. Okay, so: Mary and Beverley can’t be together. Uh, Alfred and Beverley can’t be together. Leonard and I can’t be together. Now, I could be with Alfred but I don’t like his face. Oh, here. I’ve got it.

 Well, that’s still no reason to rush into anything. I mean, look at us. We took things remarkably slow. You and I, we didn’t even hold hands for two years.

 Yeah, excuse me, I need to say something to someone pretty special, and I just can’t wait any longer.

 Leonard, you and I have our ups and downs. But I have always considered you my family. Even before the recent threat of our parents fornicating like wrinkly old rabbits. I don’t always show it, but you are of great importance to me. Both of you. 

 Gentlemen, I think we are losing sight of the real issue. We are on the precipice of becoming faceless cogs in the military-industrial complex. Isn’t that exciting?

 Not at all. In Star Wars, when the stormtroopers would march in perfect formation, harassing civilians, didn’t you ever think, hey, that could be me?

 I am not a know-it-all. I’m a person who knows lots of things and likes to correct other people when they’re wrong.

 I don’t see how a tax lawyer from Fort Lauderdale could be helpful regarding intellectual property.

 Don’t sign anything? That’s your advice? Okay, so, uh, if during this meeting, one of us were to, say, complete an oil painting, you’d recommend that we leave that unsigned?

 This must be how you practice law in Boca Raton, by saying things you don’t mean and meaning things you don’t say.

 All right, you were on Jeopardy. Allow me to Alex Trebek this and put it in the form of a question: Who has been a complete waste of our time?

 Okay. Quick question. Am I allowed to exchange pleasantries upon meeting this colonel?

 Am I allowed to inform him that Colonel Sanders was never actually in the military?

 Yeah, we’ll do it in two. Hi. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. I’m the actual brains behind this project. Also, engineers aren’t real scientists, MIT’s a trade school, and the Death Star is from Star Wars, not Star Trek. But otherwise, thank you for your service.

 Well, now, see? You knew what was gonna happen. Why didn’t they? Anyway, now we’re committed to completing this project in a ridiculously short time frame, and everyone’s upset with me.

 Mm. If it makes you feel any better, a parasitoid wasp known as Oobius depressus has been rediscovered after 101 years of presumed extinction.

 Why would your Bernadette thing make me feel better? At least mine was educational.

 See, that’s exactly what happened to me, except that I said it on purpose, and I have no regrets.

 The way you put away those lemon bars, perhaps that’s a good thing.

 Oh, while you do that I am going to pump cerebral spinal fluid through my brain cells to remove the metabolic by-products of the day’s thoughts.

 Fine. (Time passing montage) I don’t think I can go much longer.

 I am cool. This is Yoo-hoo, chocolate milk’s delicious watery cousin.

 I am facing a great deal of work. And I do like things better when famous people also like them.

 Gentlemen, I am ready to work. To quote The Martian, let’s science the faeces out of this. That’s The Martian the book and The Martian the movie, not Marvin the Martian. Although to quote Marvin the Martian, I claim this planet in the name of Mars.

 Oh, I’m fantastic, never been better. I had my first energy drink and I feel great. Hey, you guys want to wrestle? We can do arm, thumb, mud, sumo. Nah, we’re not fat enough, or wearing diapers.

 No, I can do this. I just, I just need another energy drink. Oh, no.

 No, I know, but plenty of things are addictive after a single exposure. I mean, crack cocaine, nicotine, Pringles. You know once one pops one just can’t stop.

 Just, please, bear with me if I display symptoms of caffeine withdrawal.

 Uh, you’re really going to have caffeine in front of me when I’m trying to get my life back on track?

 All right, I’ll just toss this out to the room. Um, I was thinking that the best way to fight my addiction is by weaning myself off in steps. Now, I couldn’t find a caffeine patch, but I did find what claims to be a mind-boosting caffeine suppository. You know, the interesting fact about the rectum…

 No, I can’t figure out the math. I’ve been racking my brain for days, and I’ve got nothing.

 I can’t do it. I’m not as smart as I think I am. I’m so sorry. This is all my fault.

 The computations required to overcome the deployability issues are more significant than we thought.

 Yeah, but what happens when we each get a peek behind the curtain? I mean, she’s never even seen me unshaven.

 If you want to lure me in with sexy talk, that’s how you do it.

 Not yet. How will I learn if I’m comfortable living with Amy or just comfortable because I’m in my own apartment? Now, if this experiment is going to be valid, I suggest a neutral environment.

 Well, ideally, an enclosed, self-sustaining biodome in New Mexico, where we would eat crops fertilized with our own waste. 

 Interesting. If my official residence were across the hall, I wonder if I’d need to knock every time I came over here.

 You’re darn right, you wouldn’t. No matter where I am, this will always be my spot. Like an embassy in a foreign country, this seat is the sovereign soil of my bottom.

 Yes. I accept this five-week mission to share a living space with my girlfriend.

 Well, now, don’t be surprised if, like Star Trek, it’s cancelled in three.

 Of course, the ideal way to conduct this experiment would be with four pairs of identical Sheldons and Amys. One pair that was neither dating nor living together. One pair that was dating but not living together. One pair that was living together but not dating. And then, of course, one pair that was living together and dating. Although, with that many Sheldons, it’d be such a party, we’d never get anything done.

 Well, you’ve lived with your significant other for some time. I would like this experiment to go well. Are there any insights you can share?

 Oh, excited, concerned, a little scared. All the same emotions I feel in line at Space Mountain.

 This is such a relief. Honestly, if it didn’t get you all worked up, I’d kiss you right now.

 You, too. Oh, don’t forget. Tuesday the air filters need to be changed.

 Oh. Oh, and every other day, check the water level on the avocado pit.

 No, no, we’re living together now, everything’s equal. You know? I know that I have a tendency to be controlling, so I would rather you choose.

 Well, clearly, it’s not whatever I want, because what I want is for you to make this decision, and you refuse to do that.

 Like when you let me get those shoes with the wheels on the bottom, and then watched me roll right into traffic?

 Fine. Okay. Now, on this side, I am closer to the exit in case of emergency.

 Now, this side offers me proximity to the bathroom, but I am closer to the window where perverts can watch me sleep.

 Although now I’m kind of worried someone’s hiding behind those drapes.

 Oh, I’m just happy I don’t know what this memory foam remembers.

 Well, it’s funny you should ask, because I was wondering how you’d feel about separating the two of us with a pillow wall.

 Okay, well, I am sorry. I’m just worried that my sensitivity to temperature could make this a rough night. And no offence, but your bottom radiates enough heat, I’m surprised there aren’t iguanas lying on it.

 Good morning. See? I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. So, how is everyone?

 Well, but what kind of scientists would we be, drawing a conclusion after only 12 hours of data?

 Wow. I anticipated we’d have problems, but I never thought your scientific rigour would be one of them.

 Well, if you are so protective of the scientific method, perhaps we should use the next five weeks to finish what we started.

 Will you two please inform Amy how much you enjoy adhering to a strict bathroom schedule?

 Oh, look who’s in favour of compromise, the woman who married Leonard Hofstadter.

 Well, as a male, I have an evolutionary drive to perpetuate my DNA. Restricting myself to a single partner is against my nature.

 Don’t blame me. Blame your pal, biology. He’s the pervert pulling the strings here.

 When we’re sleeping, she breathes on me. One night, it got so bad I almost grabbed Toto 

 Do you know that when I get out of the shower, she eyes me up and down like I’m a piece of meat?

 I know. Sometimes I would just like to be appreciated for my mind.

 If we’re just going to drive around aimlessly, the least you could do is take me for ice cream.

 Well, see, why can’t Amy be that subservient? She has coitus one time, suddenly she’s Gloria Steinem. Anyway, I suppose an ice cream parlour will be a good place to meet other women.

 Being with Amy has awoken the sexual creature within. When I see a pretty gal walking down the street, I think, hubba hubba, like any other guy.

 No. No, if we both like it, I’ll spend the rest of my life opening the freezer and going, aw, no strawberry.

 Hmm? Well, she spends her whole day scooping. One arm’s probably bigger than the other.

 Penny, I am going to tell you a story that I’ve never told anyone.

 My mother was at bible study. I walked in the house expecting to find it empty, and I heard a sound coming from my parents’ bedroom. When I opened the door, I saw my father having relations with another woman.

 I know. It’s also why I never open a door without knocking three times. I mean, the first

 We locked eyes, I ran to my room, and we never, ever spoke of it.

 Since Amy and I have been living together, we’ve been bickering like my parents used to.

 Yes. I need to prepare her now to save her from pain down the road.

 I’m sure you’re right. I suppose I should apologize to you, as well.

 That must have hurt watching me look for other women without ever even considering you. Please understand that I think of you as more of a nanny.

 I wanted to apologize for my behaviour today. It, it was unnecessary. This is warm. Oh, and also, I am willing to forego the bathroom schedule.

 Amy, you should know I was never really interested in seeing other women. And to prove how serious I am about us, I’m willing to take our relationship to the next level. 

 We have people over all the time. We have the maintenance people, the pizza delivery man, that UPS driver who feels the need to ask how parts of me are hanging.

 All right, fine. Let’s say that we were to entertain people. What type of gathering did you have in mind? Huh? A meal? Lunch? Brunch? Dinner? Afternoon tea? A formal tea? Hmm? Is it a party? And if so, what kind of party? Is it a cocktail party? A Tupperware party? Ooh, is it a surprise party? Oh, I hope it’s not a West Coast party, ’cause according to the man on the radio, a West Coast party don’t stop.

 Oh, don’t be. You get your hopes up, I knock them down. That’s called teamwork.

 You expressed an interest in having people over, and I feel I dismissed it too quickly. So, I took matters into my own hands, and I arranged a brunch.

 Oh, uh, Stuart, Bert from the geology lab, and Mrs. Petrescu from downstairs.

 Yes. Oh, fun story, she grew up with ten siblings. Or possibly penguins. Her English is atrocious.

 Well, for our first time hosting, I thought it would be wise to conduct a trial run. You know, like how I practiced for that Halloween haunted house by going into the bathroom at the bus station.

 Oh. Well, the real surprise is how surprised you are that I’m great at surprises.

 The average cork speed is 25 miles per hour. If that is too fast around a school, it is certainly too fast around a kitchen.

 Okay. I can do this. Just give me a moment… Oh! Mimosas coming up.

 Stuart, this is Bert from the Caltech geology lab, and this is Mrs. Petrescu from downstairs.

 You know, exactly. We’ve never thrown a brunch before, and I wanted to work out all the kinks.

 Hmm. You see, your words sound reasonable, but your face looks angry. Help me out here, this is not where I shine.

 Okay, now, see, you look sincere, but your words are completely false. I’m glad we did this test run, these brunches are wild.

 Well, no, that’s not true. I mean, sometimes it’s Koothrappali. But we’re not supposed to say that ’cause he’s a minority.

 All right, this is about me and him, you’re not part of it. Stuart, perhaps we do take you for granted, and that is not acceptable. Please know that you truly are a valuable member of our social group.

 You know, in fact, I’d like to propose a toast. To Stuart. A fine man, a good friend and a wonderful guest.

 No, I mean it. I mean it. It’s like you have the soul of a label maker.

 You never know when two pieces of paper might temporarily need fastening in the top left corner.

 You know, it turns out, you can hurt people just as well without ’em.

 Oh, calm down. I already put away five of these. You see? No muss, no fuss, not a single cuss.

 And welcome to the first on location episode of Dr. Sheldon Cooper and Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler present…

 Dr. Fowler and I began an experiment in living together after her apartment became water damaged. This is our friend Penny’s place. You may remember her from our episode, Flags and the People Who Don’t Understand Them.

 So, let’s roll up our sleevis and get to know Nevis. (Drumroll) Well, I, I like that, but next time check with me.

 Buda and Pest united to form Budapest. And that’s why Budapest is the Budabest. Now.

 Yeah, we could get Thai food near your apartment and then drop in and check on the progress.

 I am terrified of stepping on a nail and falling into a butt crack.

 You know, if you’d like, I could call your landlord and complain.

 Oh, I don’t mind, I’m very good at complaining. If it were an Olympic sport, I’d complain about what a stupid sport it is and then I’d take home the gold.

 I have a feeling you’re still doing it. But I find that topic irresistible, so, now, in ancient Mesopotamia, the king referred to the people as his property.

 Her behaviour. No, I have the feeling that she’s hiding something.

 Well, whatever it is, it’s troubling me. And I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. And don’t even ask about the consistency of my bowel movements.

 Why would she keep something from me, you know? I shared my body with that woman. And my Netflix password. They recommended Stella Got Her Groove Back because of her.

 Oh. Well, I feel both flattered and hurt. Like when people say I look like that skeleton from Nightmare Before Christmas.

 Well, I won’t tolerate deception in my relationship. I have no choice but to confront her.

 Hmm. You know, perhaps instead of confronting them, we should see how far they’re willing to spin their tangled webs. Like that Spider-Man action figure that used to be on your desk.

 Excellent. I’m very hungry. Speaking of which, what’s going on with your apartment?

 jlyajbe’. DaH nep’a’ Penny? (I don’t understand, is Penny lying?)

 Despite recent events, I do consider our experiment in cohabitation to have been positive.

 Hey, I get it. Everybody wants to spend more time with me. I’m like a man made of sugar in a world of ants.

 Well, I suppose we could find a whole new place. You know, and, technically, we don’t even have to stay in Pasadena. We could, we could move to Altadena or a place that doesn’t even end in dena.

 But what if we move and we don’t like it? What if there’s a smoker in the building? Or pets? Or there could be mould? There could be traffic noise. I’m gonna have to learn a whole new bus route. Are you trying to soothe me by singing the Star Trek theme as a lullaby?

 Do you know 2001: A Space Odyssey? All right, now that’s soothing.

 Gentlemen, please, this is a significant decision. Now, do Amy and I continue living together? Or do I move back in with Leonard?

 Apparently, figure this out on my own ’cause you guys are no help at all.

 Huh. Yeah, I wonder if that’s related to the 12th century Persian philosopher, Al-Ghazali and his story of a man caught between two dates.

 Al-Ghazali was anti-Aristotelian? Boy, you think you know a guy.

 On a scale of one to ten, where one is a pebble in your shoe and ten is the monkey you thought was your pet biting your face off.

 No, but three, two and we’re done is incomplete. You know those things bother me. It’s like hearing da-da-da-da-da-dah without yelling…

 Oh, just let me look. Oh, my goodness. I see quivering black lines. Those must be neurons, oh, they’re so thick and beautiful.

 I have such a profound sense of creation. I, it’s like when I hatched sea monkeys, except that this is from my DNA, so this is like me monkeys. 

 Yeah, but us monkeys doesn’t pop. Oh, oh, oh, oh, wait, we monkeys, there you go. Hey, when can we start running tests on it?

 What stimulus should we introduce it to first? Light, sound, temperature, oh, oh, let’s

 Look, look, here I am standing next to the incubator. Uh, here is a microscopic view of the cells.

 Aw. Yeah, this little guy can already recognize electronically transmitted images 20% faster than any other sample in Amy’s lab.

 Yeah, I have to say, it is nice to share this experience with someone who’s on the same journey. Although right now ours is testing off the charts while yours is floating around in its own waste.

 Well, I didn’t make you waddle up four flights of stairs for the heck of it.

 Yeah, but ours can recognize a specific data stream among background noise.

 Ours doesn’t need an immune system because it lives in a state-of-the-art German incubator.

 Okay, fine. Let’s just agree that both creations are special in their own way and it is foolish to try and compare them. Although, we didn’t need to have sex with Howard for ours, so we win.

 Yeah, we need to stop for magnets on the way home, this is going right on the fridge.

 Uh, no. We lock that door, lower our underpants a little and make a baby.

 Clearly the combination of our DNA is exceptional. Our child could be the next step in the evolution of mankind. We’ll be able to get into any preschool we want!

 Oh, yes, you are. I track your cycle. For the next 36 hours you’re as fertile as a manure-covered wheat field.

 I don’t understand. I thought you’d be thrilled to procreate with me.

 Very well. Oops, how clumsy of me. You know what? Let me get that. Hey. Where are you going? I, did you even look at my bottom?

 Who’s trying to seduce you? After a long day I always turn on smooth jazz and spray deer musk on my inner thighs.

 Anything you’d like to pet? Not my hair. There’s a lot of goop in it.

 Amy, I didn’t want it to come to this, but you have left me no choice but to employ the most passionate, seductive dance known to man. The flamenco.

 Hey, it’s not even called the Genius Grant, it’s the MacArthur Fellowship. Just like it’s not Frankenstein, it’s Frankenstein’s Monster. Which brings us back to that hulking simpleton over there. And if anyone’s a genius, it’s me for the way I brought that full circle.

 Someone call George R. R. Martin, this guy knows how to finish a story.

 You used to make those jokes about me. Now everything is Bert, Bert, Bert.

 I hope you’re happy making me read this. Bert’s work is remarkable, and I’m more upset than ever. This is worse than when I had to admit that Cedric the Entertainer’s actually entertaining.

 Yeah, well I am angry. And you telling me not to be angry makes me angry. And do you know how hearing myself say the word angry over and over makes me feel?

 You’re happy with who you are. You don’t get jealous of other people. Instead of being weighed down by ambition, you just float along like a dead body in a river.

 I can’t believe I was surpassed by a geologist. I mean, rocks. He studies rocks. If rock is so great, how come paper beats it? Leonard, I’m having a primal urge to throw this rock.

 Perhaps I will. This rock encapsulates all my negative emotions. I will cast you far away. Feel free to take out a pigeon while you’re at it.

 Yeah, but you’ve got all those things, and no one’s lining up to be you.

 Thank you, Penny. You know, I just need to keep reminding myself that Bert’s success is not my failure.

 And that men of his large stature are more susceptible to a wide array of life-threatening diseases.

 Well, it’s a new day. I have a new outlook. You know, I realized I don’t need to worry about other people. I just need to think more about myself.

 Bert did quality research, and he deserves whatever accolades he receives.

 Bert? I wanted to let you know that I read your research, and your award is well-deserved.

 You know, I’m not sure. You know, you’d have to ask him. Excuse me. (Off) Aah. Leonard, I hurt myself again.

 No, I went to punch the water fountain, slipped in water in front of the water fountain, and hit my head on the water fountain.

 I’m so disappointed in myself. Jealousy is completely illogical.

 I can’t take this any more. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert. 

 Rock, rock, water fountain. I am not proud of this, but I have been envious of your recent success.

 I was hoping by admitting my weakness to you, I’d somehow be unburdened.

 We, hang on, you’re my enemy. Now, the enemy of the enemy is my friend. And right now, I’m my own worst enemy. That makes you my friend. Okay, I’m good to go.

 Yes, that’s right. I have Amy. In the past, you’ve professed feelings for her. Does it eat you up inside that I have her and you don’t?

 I didn’t punch him. He turned around, and I gave him a Captain Kirk karate chop. I’m not even sure he knows I did it.

 I can’t. Thank you, Professor Hawking. You are a gift to mankind. There should be statues of you everywhere. You know, the Lincoln Memorial has a big chair. We could swap you right in.

 Let’s take every single thing from the other apartment and put it in here.

 You know, I have always thought that this couch would look fantastic on the curb in front of the building.

 It truly does capture the beauty of your friendship with Penny.

 You know, Leonard, the more I think about it, there are a number of mutually owned items in this apartment that you and I should go through. Uh, for example, who gets our beloved sword, Longclaw?

 Wonderful, Longclaw is mine. And how about you keep our avocado plant?

 Although, Amy and I did just move in together, and a plant is a lovely housewarming gift.

 Oh, we got a sword and a plant, our apartment’s really shaping up.

 Well, Leonard, you know, who should keep this? On the one hand, I love Mr. Spock more than you do. On the other hand, I care more about clocks than you do.

 I’ll be right across the hall. You’ll probably be able to hear it.

 Well, no, I just didn’t think you’d want a physical reminder of a game you never managed to win. As a kindness, I should probably take all the games.

 For a man so good at predicting my moves, how come you stink at 3-D chess?

 Well, powder me in sugar and call me a doughnut, if it isn’t Leonard Hofstadter.

 If it’s like your 3-D chess game, then you’re out of your length, width and depth. Amy, get the Neosporin, somebody just got burned.

 All right, I tried. That should be the title of your autobiography. Ooh, a second-degree burn.

 So, there are fresh linens on the bed and, oh, well, now, I see you’ve met Theodore. Theodore, these are your new room mates, Leonard and Penny. They’re very honest, but I would not leave cash lying around.

 My room is paid up until the end of the month, so I can do with it whatever I please, which includes renting it out for a dollar a night.

 Anyway, I’ll leave you be. I have to, oh, oh, he’s expecting a newspaper in the morning. Apparently, they still make them.

 That’s true, but had I done something under the line, there wouldn’t be a man in your kitchen who can’t produce a single form of ID.

 Will you keep it down? What kind of vengeful bed and breakfast do you think I’m running?

 I’m being awful? You’re the one who went out of your way to hurt me.

 I have to admit, leaving you to move in with Amy has been harder than I thought it would be.

 Leonard, I would like us to stop fighting about our possessions.

 In fact, I want you to keep the apartment flag, and I’m not just saying that because it touched your genitals.

 I do. And to show you that there are no hard feelings, I am willing to rub my genitals on it as well.

 This is for you. I was going to wrap it, but touching Scotch tape gives me the heebie-jeebies.

 A functional MRI of my brain. I did Sudoku before they took it so I’d be ripped.

 And it’s not just an MRI. The orbitofrontal cortex is lit up because I was thinking of you.

 We seem to be moving on to the annual coitus portion of your birthday festivities. 

 Yeah. I’m afraid so. Childbirth, looming coitus? This is a banner night for female genitals.

 Wolowitz might hand out cigars. I had to find my bubble gum cigar so I could join in without looking foolish.

 Well, I believe we were kissing like randy teenagers, and your nose was whistling ever so slightly.

 I’m not sure. Earlier tonight, things began organically, and now it’s feeling forced, like all the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels.

 Oh, I know, but just, Leonard and Penny think we’re doing it, and I don’t want to disappoint them.

 No, and also, I don’t want to disappoint you. I, you know, come on, it’s your birthday. I can soldier through this.

 Intriguing. Is back on track a hint that it has something to do with trains?

 Because if it did have to do with trains, and you were gonna give…

 What, a Gryffindor sleeping with a Hufflepuff? How scandalous. You naughty girl, you went to the Wizarding World theme park without me.

 Yes, you’re in trouble, you went to Wizarding World without me.

 She’s right. You know, I just learned Amy went to a theme park without me, but I’m not going to ruin her birthday. I’ll wait, and ruin 24 individual hours sprinkled throughout the year. Boop.

 I was not thinking it. Although, now that you point it out, it is undeniable.

 Raj, show some compassion. Those are things that we think but don’t say.

 Oh, speaking of personal growth, I recently tried eating Swiss chard. You know, I didn’t swallow it, but Amy said it counted.

 Some will be successful, some may be homeless. It’s fun to think about.

 It was. Bernadette had her baby, I made it to Wizarding World, and now it is time to complete your birthday celebration. Hankius pankius.

 Amy, I just saw a magic train and reported somebody for cutting the line. If that’s not foreplay, I don’t know what is.

 Oh, you know., the lone star state. Hmm. That should be its Yelp rating.

 Yeah. It is good to be home. Oh, good lord, is that mistletoe? Don’t you maniacs own a calendar?

 It was fine. Other than the weird-tasting juice Amy gave me, I slept the whole way.

 Do we have to? I really don’t want to hear the religious lecture.

 There’s always one. She gave it to my sister about her boyfriend, my brother about his girlfriend, my father about his girlfriend. That one had some un-Christian words in it.

 Eh, I don’t know. I am her precious little boy. And you did take my flower.

 Given that your hands prepared it, isn’t that a little self-serving?

 Oh, wait, wait, shouldn’t we just eat? You know, I mean, God did take time out of his busy schedule to bless these Sloppy Joes.

 All right. This is on you. Amy and I are living together in sin, like a couple of New Yorkers. Now, while you scold us, I’m going to get a knife and a fork. Joe may be sloppy, but Sheldon’s not.

 What? Wh, where’s the judgment? Wh, where’s the fire and brimstone? Where’s the part where you tell us we’re going to Hell and I say have you seen the size of the bugs outside? We’re already there.

 What, so you thought I was going to be alone for the rest of my life?

 I’m the child she was worried about? I have a brother and sister whose combined intellectual wattage couldn’t power a potato clock, if I spotted them the potato.

 Just being the unsocialised eccentric my mother always thought I was.

 Yeah. And I don’t understand why you’re taking her side. By being my girlfriend, she’s saying you’re a weirdo, too.

 Well, first we buttered my feet to get the swim fins off, and then we went out.

 You’re right. I have Leonard and Howard and Raj, Stuart, Penny, Leonard’s mom, Bernadette, Wil Wheaton…

 I was going chronologically. You’re right between Koothrappali’s father and Omar, the one-eyed Sparkletts guy.

 I knew we should’ve never mentioned us living together in the first place.

 Disagree. We’ve known about evolution since 1859, she still believes in Noah and his amazing zoo boat. This could have all been avoided if you’d only listened to me.

 So my mother thought I was incapable of finding a mate, and my mate thinks I’m incapable of running my own life.

 What? How should I know? Excited? Itchy? Give me the first letter. 

 How would you feel if I contacted your mother behind your back?

 Well, there’s really not much left to tell. I decided that my mother views me as a child because I never went through a rebellious phase, so, I got an earring. (Flashback to Sheldon screaming.) My mother made me take it out. (Flashback to Sheldon screaming.) Amy put alcohol on it. (Flashback to Sheldon screaming.) And here we are.

 So Bernadette, if I express interest in your baby will you promise not to make me touch it?

 Wait, so how does the story end? Is the baby a jerk or is Bernadette a bad mother?

 What? Is there another twist coming? Is the baby not theirs at all?

 It says here that up to 80% of new mothers experience baby blues. And that the best thing to do is reassure them that they’re doing a good job. Bernadette, you are doing a good job.

 Thank you, Internet. I’m telling you, with the right YouTube video, I can give Howard a vasectomy.

 Oh. A small human wreaks havoc on his wife’s genitals and he gets time off.

 I’m trying to take more of an interest in other people’s lives.

 That’s small. So, tell me, do you have any plans for the weekend?

 Oh, well you know, that is interesting. I wonder what kind of infection you’ll come home with. My money’s on fungal. They’re still having girls night across the hall.

 Oh, Penny, I’m trying to take an interest in other people. Uh, how was your girls’ night?

 Amy is free. She had a harp lesson on Saturday but it got cancelled. Boy, when you take an interest in people, you really uncork a geyser of nonsense. 

 You know what? I feel uncomfortable engaging in a public display of affection while their relationship is strained.

 Well, if x equals the amount that you’ll miss me, then I’ll miss you x plus one.

 You want to play Jenga? Or, uh, Ticket to Ride? Hearthstone? What would you be the happiest losing at?

 Wow, and I remember when you loved playing games with me. Maybe Penny isn’t the only relationship you’re phoning in.

 Hmm. Yeah, you’re right. It’s like when I first encountered the Pythagorean theorem. You know, I was blown away that the square of the hypotenuse was the sum of the squares of the opposite sides. But now I’m just like, eh.

 Never mind. You know, Penny went to this spa to be away from you. Are you sure you should be going there?

 Very well. You got married spur of the moment, I don’t see why your divorce should be any different.

 You know what? If you’d like, I could whip up a quick relationship agreement. Well, I’m at a spa, I might as well do something relaxing. 

 Very well. Hey, later we’ll check out the minibar, I’ll show you how Godzilla gets drunk.

 Interesting. The world’s most boring liquid and the world’s most boring vegetable, but you put ’em together and bleugh. 

 Oh good, you’re here. Are you still fighting? If you get divorced, do I get two Christmas’s?

 I get to write a contract? I say, let’s get this party of the first part started.

 Oh well, great then, here, you sign here, date here, and Penny, if you could initial here to indicate that you’re accepting Leonard in as is condition.

 That’s not a problem, we can figure this out. What are the reasons women reject Raj?

 Of course you’re fine. Not every member of a species finds a mate. Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin, look at the contributions he made.

 So now you think you’re better than Isaac Newton? Oh, no wonder women don’t like you.

 Oh, that’s a paradox. I mean if you meant what you just said, then that means you may not have meant what you just said.

 Well, I thought we were having a nice conversation, but it turns out I was being offensive.

 We were discussing Raj’s recent breakup and apparently, I was insensitive to him.

 Don’t fall for it. He’ll get you to compare him to a dead virgin, and suddenly you’re the bad guy.

 Well, I would prefer if people told me exactly what is on their mind.

 Well, it certainly would be easier. You have no idea what it’s like to struggle with recognizing emotional cues.

 A machine that reads emotions is intriguing. It could help me be a more considerate friend.

 It could also help me identify my enemies, discover their fears and then I could use those fears to destroy them.

 Wonderful. Although I’m not sure how I feel about being used as a guinea pig.

 Really? Uh, little tip: jokes are often better when you end them with wocka wocka or ha-cha-cha.

 Yes. Now, when the robots rise up, they’ll know that I’ve been rooting for them the whole time.

 Aw. Somebody’s ignoring their tiny needle teeth, but all right. 

 And you’re worried that turkey neck is in your future. What, now, see, now it says you’re mad. Make up your mind.

 Hey, Leonard, if you’re happy and you know it, no need to clap your hands, because I have an emotion detector.

 What, Leonard, please. I know an angry face when I see it. It’s this red frowny guy on my phone.

 Well, hey. Now she’s angry, too. This thing works like gangbusters.

 You are lucky that this feelings machine doesn’t have feelings.

 I wish I never tried that device. And I know I said the same thing after the massage chair, but this time I mean it.

 It’s more than that. It’s me. I always knew I had trouble recognizing other people’s emotions, but that machine just made it so real.

 Yeah, but that’s shooting fish in a barrel. You’re kind of a sad sack. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m just upset.

 I feel the same way about you. Now, put your glasses back on. You look weird.

 Oh, it’s fine. You needed a suitcase, I wasn’t home, you borrowed a suitcase.

 Yeah, well, you should be. Your socks were still in it. I had to throw it away. Anyway, I, uh, trust that you’ve resolved your conflict.

 I did. You know, I’m not even sure how accurate it was. I took it to the train store, it said everyone was sad.

 Hey, uh, Bernadette, let’s test this theory. What do you think I’m feeling right now?

 I’m looking at the math, and I think we can make the device between eight and ten percent smaller.

 Shame on you. Where would we be if poodle breeders had that attitude? I’ll tell you. We would have the standard and the miniature poodle, but no toy or teacup. Which by the way, is not an officially recognized breed, but that’s just poodle politics.

 Oh, that was my sixth trip to the bathroom. As long as that’s not a urinary tract infection, that’s a personal best.

 Congratulations. The bearer of this certificate is entitled to the ultimate train experience at The Nevada Northern Railway. You are at the throttle. You are the engineer. You are running the locomotive. This doesn’t happen very often, but here comes a hug. Oh, dear, I have to tinkle again.

 You’ll never believe it. Leonard gave me the most incredible gift, a trip to a historic railway, and I get to operate an actual locomotive.

 No idea. All I know is I’m gonna be working on the railroad all the livelong day.

 Oh, no. It’s not just me. No. The railway is four hours from the nearest airport, and guess who gets to drive me.

 Oh, oh. And guess where we get to sleep? Our choice of a turn-of-the-century railway bunkhouse or a working caboose. Now, the problem with a caboose is there’s no bathroom, but the problem with the bunkhouse is it’s not a caboose. On the first day, I get to drive a steam engine. Oh, and the second day, a diesel engine. Oh, and if I volunteer to do track maintenance and paperwork, they’ll let me stay as long as I want. So you might want to pack enough clothes for the rest of our lives.

 Oh, get this. I get to take a test based on a 125-page manual. I get to learn things like hand signals. Ooh. There’s forward, uh, reverse, set the brakes. Are you done yet? You’re missing

 Oh, hey. If you knocked, I couldn’t hear you. I’m welding this locomotive engine. And if you didn’t knock, how about some manners?

 I said to myself, I think I can, I think I can. And then I couldn’t, so I paid two men who promised not to come rob us later.

 Well, I would love to help you, but since I discovered the satisfaction of working with my hands on a train engine, I don’t think I can go back to theory. I’m an engineer now. And, hey, just to be clear, a train engineer. Not that goofy kind you are.

 Sorry. I need to work on this engine so when I get to the train yard I won’t look foolish.

 Leonard, in the world of theoretical physics, you never finish. So much is unprovable. But when I was studying that railway guide, it was so tangible and so satisfying that something just clicked. Then it clacked. Then it clicked, then it clacked, click-clack clickety-clack, and here we are. Whoo-whoo.

 Well, good for you guys. Look, I have a grease smudge on my hand, and I’m okay with it.

 Well, first of all, you can’t use relativistic and non-relativistic vectors in the same equation.

 Excuse me. I have a girlfriend. I’m already king of the train store.

 Oh, what choice do I have? You need me. I’m like the crankshaft of this team.

 Well, whatever it is, it looks heavy. I’m gonna need you two to get it downstairs before Amy comes home.

 Its weight and smoothness, along with the slight concavity of the mirror, means it can spin for a long time.

 You know, deep-sea divers holding their breath for several minutes have shown elevated markers of a protein that can signal brain damage.

 Oh, I won’t. I only eat equilateral triangles. Isosceles, isosceles, oh, scalene. You didn’t see that.

 If the judge couldn’t explain it to me, I don’t see how you will.

 If you think that’s more fun than talking to Zachary Quinto through a stall door, you’re crazy.

 Well, I could deduce by his facial expression and body language that he was sad.

 Although, unlike your date, she actually showed up. Oh, he looks sad again.

 No. No, I only told Leonard, Howard, Raj, Kripke, uh, Professor Wu, Professor Klein, and a lunch lady in the cafeteria. How everyone else found out is a mystery to me.

 Is it safe to assume you’re not speaking to me again? If you’re not answering because you’re not speaking to me, perhaps we could come up with a signal. That works.

 Well, wait. This is our first fight as a couple who live together.

 I’m not sure of the protocol. Television teaches us that the man’s supposed to sleep on the couch, but of the two of us, you’re clearly more sofa-sized.

 This isn’t fair. You’ve discussed aspects of our physical relationship with Penny.

 That lady has a name. I don’t know what it is, but one time I accidentally called her mom.

 I’m mapping basic topics of conversation and with whom they can be discussed. I call these circles zones of privacy. Don’t Google that unless you want to see pictures of people’s genitals. This circle contains only me and you. It represents subjects we only share with each other, details of physical intimacy, bathroom habits. Although, as I’m saying it, I may need to add Dr. Fink in here.

 I’m sorry you were embarrassed. And now I understand that some things are just between you and me, and in the event of redness and swelling, Dr. Fink.

 Excuse me. May I have your attention, please? I have recently been made aware that my personal relationship with Amy Farrah Fowler has become water cooler gossip. And I just want to say, shame on all of you. We’re scientists. Our minds should be focused on the advancement of human knowledge, not the intimate details of other people’s lives.

 Thank you, Bert. You’re a good man. That woman who stood you up and humiliated you last night really missed out.

 Oh. Oh, I’m sorry. Correction, that woman not only had vigorous coitus with Bert, she also tipped him a dollar for a job well done. – That better?

 All right, well, to sum up, focus on science, keep your nose out of other people’s business, and, uh, whoa, for a good time, call Bert.

 Well, last night Amy was angry with me because I’d been foolishly telling people about certain personal matters.

 Oh, I know that now. At first, I thought she was cranky because of her horrific menstrual cramps, but it turns out, no, she was genuinely mortified.

 Well, his rent and car lease are exceedingly high. You couple that with his penchant for dining out and shopping.

 No, absolutely not. You can’t afford to hire someone who’ll forbid you from spending your money on foolish expenses. That is a foolish expense, and I forbid it.

 You’re talking about me. Very funny. Although I would enjoy drawing up a budget and forcing Raj to adhere to it without an ounce of compassion.

 Very well. Hey, Comic-Con tickets go on sale this Friday. You can’t buy one.

 You can always watch the panels online. Oh, boy, we do say that a lot.

 You put me in charge of your finances. If you wanted someone weak and spineless you could walk all over, you should have asked Leonard.

 Your father may have spoiled you, but I won’t. If you want a ticket to Comic-Con, I suggest you figure out a way to earn the money yourself.

 That’s probably my fault. She may have heard about my cool Dumbledore costume.

 No, but it’s honest, and it sounds like you could use a little more honesty in your relationship.

 I’m always honest with Amy. The other day she said she was self-conscious about the beauty mark on her shoulder, and I said, you know, you can call that a beauty mark all you want. When there’s hair growing out of it, that’s a mole.

 I should hope so. When she called me an insensitive jerk, I’d like to think she meant it.

 I was talking about Leonard. And if make up is so truthful, why is it called concealer?

 He doesn’t really want Penny to go to Comic-Con. He’s just doing it to make her happy.

 So they’re both trying to make each other happy, and the end result is they make each other sad? That’s hilarious. I can’t wait to tell them.

 Well, if you haven’t noticed, I’ve been between them for the last ten years.

 Are you listening to this? They deceive each other about everything.

 Yeah, well, get this, neither does Penny, that’s why she doesn’t want to go. You set ’em up, I knock ’em down, good job.

 Well, with as much debt as you have, probably not next year either.

 When the IRS questions us in separate rooms, we need to have our stories straight.

 I’m a big boy, and if I missed one, I’d throw a big-boy tantrum.

 That’s very kind of you, Stuart. Check back in with me in July.

 What? Can’t a man just be happy to see his woman and pat her on her second most erogenous ball-and-socket joint?

 Well, maybe what’s in my pants will change your mind. It’s a list of this year’s panelists. It’s long, isn’t it?

 Wow. I’m starting to think you didn’t mean it when you said you wanted to spruce up the place.

 Hi, uh, Penny, this circular is addressed to occupant, but with our apartment switch, it’s unclear whether it’s yours or mine.

 Okay, thanks. Just throw it out. Speaking of occupants, I’m given to understand Raj will be moving into my old room.

 If real dogs gave me buttons, I’d like them, too. Well, I think it’s very nice that you’re helping out our friend.

 If you’re implying that I’d have some problem with him moving into my room, you’re wrong. Raj is in a difficult financial situation, and I’m glad that he’s making changes to improve it.

 I mean, it’s unfair; people just assume I’m going to be upset by Raj moving into my old room.

 Well, that’s been my room since before I met Leonard, and now someone else is going to be living in it. And that someone else is not me. And you know how I feel about people who aren’t me. 

 I realize it’s irrational, but with Raj moving in there, I’m feeling a bit replaced.

 Yes, probably. But until we know for sure, how can I feel better?

 It’s nothing like that. I just, I thought about Raj’s situation, and I had a change of heart. You know, and regarding your gift, you said surprise me, and, boy, did I. Hello.

 Uh, wait, before we eat, I have a little welcome to the building gift for Raj.

 Well, I had some of my best ideas in that room, and I’m sure you will, too.

 Well, I know this is a difficult time for you. You’re losing your apartment, you’re in debt, and you just, you must be humiliated.

 Oh, good grief. She is such a stickler for citing sources. Those were Amy’s words.

 I know, I know, good grief was originally said by Charlie Brown, geez.

 Fine. You took my room. You turned my friends against me. I hope you’re happy.

 Honestly, I’ve been better. Do you have time? Leonard says you’re very busy these days.

 Well, our friend Raj moved into my old room, and it’s brought up a lot of negative feelings for me.

 Beverley, you know I hold you in high esteem. Can we skip the part where you pretend not to know the answer, and get to the part where you tell me the answer?

 I had no idea all our relationships were such a disaster. Boy, you’re good.

 Hey, Raj, I owe you an apology. Look, could you please put your dog on a leash?

 Well, then at least hold her still so I can pretend she’s stuffed. Raj, I let my emotions get the best of me, and I unfairly took it out on you.

 No, I can’t take all the credit. I spoke with Leonard’s mother, and she made me feel better.

 Beverly pointed out that I’m experiencing insecurities in my relationship with Amy, in the same way that Leonard and Penny are in their relationship.

 Yes, you’re fine as long as you have a buffer living with you to distract from your marital problems. It used to be me. Now it’s Raj and his attack Tribble. Anyway, I’m sorry for everything. Oh, and FYI, if you cry while they’re fighting, they’ll take you to McDonald’s.

 Beverley believes I unconsciously consider my old room an escape hatch.

 Yes. I don’t care for unconscious thoughts. My brain and I are best friends. It should tell me everything. 

 What if she’s correct? Doesn’t that say something troubling about us?

 That is true. Did you know I figured out in which order I would eat all my friends in the event of an apocalypse?

 Oh, the project is classified. I can’t tell you. Oh, I suppose I could redact the classified parts. All right, um, I came up with an elegant solution to the (honks horn) I used the (honks horn) And then I (honks horn) And that did it. (Car passes honking horn) Wow, I wonder what they’re redacting.

 Oh, very well. What have you been working on? And feel free to honk during the boring parts.

 So you’re attempting to pinpoint where consciousness resides in the brain.

 Well, what do you know? Here I was, waiting to be bored with biology, and instead you tickle my intellectual fancy. Which, unlike my body, is an okay place to tickle.

 Yeah, I picked it up without thinking about it. Which raises a neuroscientific question, when did I decide to pick it up?

 Amy is studying the time lag between intent and awareness, and I realized that applies to the measurement problem in quantum mechanics. Now, I recognize there will be a time lag between me saying that and you Googling what it means, so I’ll wait.

 Well, don’t get me wrong. Neurobiology’s nothing more than the science of gray squishy stuff. But, you know, when it connects to physics, gas up the Ford, Martha, we’re going for a drive.

 I was thinking about your experiment on the neuroscience of decision making, and I realized, if we connect it to the measurement problem in quantum mechanics, we have a chance to disprove the role of consciousness in the Copenhagen Interpretation.

 It could be the most inspired combination since I mixed red Icee into my blue Icee. It was like drinking two sevenths of the rainbow.

 That is a valid point. Perhaps we should establish some ground rules.

 All right, let’s start right now. Uh, rule number one, no using sexuality to get your way.

 Okay, uh, number one, in matters of physics, I have the final say. In matters of neuroscience, you have the final say. Unless I disagree. Oh, here. Number two, when we publish,

 Oh, of course. I’ll get that back. Like all my underwear, that notebook says Property of Sheldon Cooper.

 Ooh, that sounds fun. Now, we’re talking about real treats, right? Not Bible verses like my mother used to give me.

 Biology and physics coming together, this is like the peanut butter cup of the mind. Oh, I know what I want my treat to be.

 Yeah, the math is so inelegant. I’m not even sure it makes sense.

 Can you stop breathing so loud? I can hear your nose whistling.

 All right, either blow your nose or teach it to play Camptown Races.

 No, I can still hear it. Oh, wait, that’s me. Never mind, it’s fine.

 Hold on. I see what’s wrong here. We did the propagation only to the occipital lobe, not to the prefrontal cortex.

 Oh, that is much better. Yeah, boy, if good ideas came out of your brain the way mucus comes out of your nose, we’d be in good shape.

 Just because I am easily bothered by light, heat, sound, smell and the way birds look at me does not mean I’m sensitive.

 Well, if that’s the case, then your grandparents mumble and have bad posture.

 It seems we have a choice to make. Abandon all ground rules in the name of science, or give up collaborating for the sake of our relationship.

 Name calling, that is perfect. Now, when I get to this equation here, really let me have it. You know? If it helps, I’m not the sharpest dresser.

 Excellent. Excellent. And on a related point, you’re going down, punk.

 Yeah, that list is strong. Like your mother’s urge to be promiscuous with sailors.

 I have a plan to work on both projects simultaneously. And for your information, the summer conference on algebraic topology at Caltech is nerd prom.

 Well, I’m not needed at both places at the same time. And I can also free up extra hours with simple tricks, such as using a minimal amount of words to convey my point.

 Soon. See, I could’ve said in the near future, but I didn’t say in the near future, because in the near future is three more words than soon. In, one, the, two, near, three, future, four. See, in the near future is four, soon is just one, four is more than one, saving time already.

 These are hydration backpacks. For efficiency, whenever I’m thirsty I have access to water. When I’m hungry, I have lentil soup.

 The coefficient isn’t lambda, it’s lambda sub one. And over here, you should consider the possibility that the brain itself is in two different quantum states. And lastly, do you have any little soup crackers?

 You know, I felt the same way about the spork. Uh, solids and liquids handled by one utensil? That’ll never work. Spoiler, works.

 Yeah, I felt the same way about the platypus. You know, bird and mammal in the same creature? No way. And spoiler, way.

 Oh, I had an accident at work, I slipped and fell on my soup sack.

 Hmm? Oh, I did. It hasn’t stopped. I figured out a solution for our navigation system while I was pre-soaking lentils out of my pants.

 Well, perhaps I am a little under the weather. It’s nothing a little cold medicine and tea can’t fix.

 What? You hold my hand, you kiss my mouth, but you draw the line at a hundred and two fever? What happened to our love?

 Nine o’clock? What happened to eight and seven and all the other o’clocks?

 Well, I remember waking up in the morning, Amy rubbing Vicks on my chest. And her hands were like two frozen chunks of tundra. I took some cold medicine to… I took cold medicine.

 Wait, wait. Where’s my bag? My phone and my wallet are in my bag.

 What’s the big deal? It’s full of classified information about the air force project.

 That’s it. I’m in breach of my security clearance. I’m going to prison. And you know what happens to people like me in prison. I’ll be forced to be some large man’s tutor.

 Uh, no, thank you. We now know why MasterCard sent me a fraud alert.

 Um, yes. Howdy, partner. Do you happen to recollect if I left a notebook in these here parts?

 And welcome to a special retrospective, where we will take a look back at the history of Fun with Flags on an episode we’re calling…

 Mind you, when we say behind the flags, we don’t literally mean these flags. That’s just where we have dinner.

 So let’s hear from some people who were there at the very start. How, Howard, flashback sounds.

 Just roll the clip. (On voiceover) So tell us in your own words about that magical moment when Fun with Flags was born.

 Sure you do. I was telling you both the story about how Haiti and Lichtenstein discovered they had the same flag. It was at the Summer Olympics of 1936, and two plucky nations…

 And now we’re going to turn it over to you, the viewers, to call in and share your favourite Fun with Flags moments. 

 Bert, you’re tying up the line. My apologies to all of you trying to call in with legitimate flag comments.

 Oh, let’s take advantage of his absence and tell the kinds of jokes only physicists get. I’ll go first. Okay, here. Uh, Heisenberg is pulled over by a police officer. And the policeman says, did you know you were going 85 miles per hour? And Heisenberg says, darn it, now I don’t know where I am.

 Yeah, which he rudely announced on my flag show. People were so upset about it no one else called in the rest of the night.

 She’s younger and far more attractive than he is. They’re copying you two.

 Bert, Rebecca. I’d like to apologize for my insensitive comment earlier.

 I’d say she’s copying you again, but I’m getting tired of sitting in the hall.

 Okay. So, Feynman, Einstein and Schrodinger walk into a bar. Feynman says, it appears

 Comments from our Behind the Flags retrospective. Get this, people are calling it the longest one yet.

 He’s not wrong. It was your crackpot idea that he deserves love.

 You and Leonard don’t have anything in common. Maybe you should break up.

 Actually, our friendship group is at capacity. But if anybody drops out, you’re at the top of the list. Unless it’s Raj, in which case, we’ll probably get a person of colour.

 So he’s using his money to attract a mate. Is that any different than me using my intelligence to attract Amy? Or Leonard using his power of grovelling to get Penny?

 Oh, so many things. Her mind, her kindness, and especially her body.

 Based on the glowing reception of our recent Behind the Flags retrospective, we thought you might like to see how it all came together. 

 No, but it’s not just video games. I downloaded the new O.S. for my phone, took me a week to stop accidentally texting kissy faces to everyone.

 I guess I just need to face it, I’m no longer a wunderkind. Now I just wonder what’s for lunch.

 I started doing some reading on cognitive vitality, and I came across an area of research called super-aging.

 The theory is that if you really tax your brain, the neurofibers will become thicker and the glial cells more lustrous.

 Well, it’s not just doing simple cognitive tasks. You need to push your brain out of its comfort zone and reach mental exhaustion.

 Jab mein aat saal ka tha maine seekha tha. (I did that when I was eight) 

 Yes. Yeah, it seemed daunting at first, but then I realized, it’s like the chemistry set I had as a kid. Only, when your brother eats this, no one has to call Poison Control.

 Yes, it is delicious. Physicist, baker, lover, what can’t I do?

 You’re just using food to mask the fear that you’re fundamentally unlovable and therefore going to be alone forever.

 Howard, I’m trying to make myself uncomfortable, not everyone else.

 Okay. Just to be on the safe side, am I in any danger of getting juggler’s elbow?

 Drag out our mattress and put it over here, then go across the hall, get their mattress and put it over here. But before you do any of that, scratch my nose.

 Oh, I stopped that, it was dumb. Uni, bi, tri, menstrual, all cycles are dumb.

 Well, it is. If I wanted to hold three things at once, I’d wear cargo pants.

 It’s okay, I stopped being upset about that. And no, the irony is not lost on me.

 This article says the peak age for making a Nobel Prize-winning discovery is 40. 

 I hope his character doesn’t make it into the movie, he’s kind of a bummer.

 Wait, so you’re just going to take all the work we’ve done for the last year and toss us aside?

 You know, I have a good mind to stop paying my taxes. It’s too bad I enjoy doing them so much. The Air Force did it again. They’re erasing our lives.

 I feel so betrayed. You know, all my life I thought Uncle Sam was a friendly uncle who brought you presents. Turns out he’s the other kind.

 You’re so kind. You know, I don’t know how I ever got by without you.

 Well, I thought that, too, but I’ve come to realize, I am completely dependent on you.

 No, to wake up every morning and know you’re there is a great comfort to me. Mmm, tasteless. How do you do it?

 Well, there is our quantum cognition experiment. You and I could spend more time on that.

 I’m confused. You’re always saying that you want to spend more time with me.

 Well, a lot, it’s very annoying. Has something changed? Um, is there something that you’re not telling me?

 Princeton? A fine institution. The place where Albert Einstein taught. And where Leonard got his PhD, so it may have gone downhill.

 What is there to talk about? You have to take it. It’s important.

 Yes. I may have lost my guidance system and my girlfriend, but I still have a colon full of yesterday’s meals to keep me company. Although, thanks to your high fibre breakfast, I’m sure that’ll be leaving me, too.

 What does it look like? I’m playing sad harmonica in an apartment as empty as my heart.

 Am I? Yesterday I had an Air Force project, a girlfriend who lived with me, and my good friend Raj right across the hall.

 No, it is. Leonard pointed out to me that I’m not always a loving and supportive boyfriend, so here’s some quality luggage.

 The salesman said it could survive a plane crash, so perhaps you should fly inside it.

 Well, I’m not looking forward to it, but it is a wonderful opportunity and you need to take it. Besides, Princeton is in New Jersey, so it’s not like you’re gonna want to stay. Uh, I know it’s not your birthday, but if you’re interested…

 Okay. Oh, and just to be clear, I’m not being intimate with you in order to keep you from going.

 Well, no, it’s just, I’m just warning you, you know, if you find yourself 3,000 miles away and craving a hit of this, you know, I can’t Skype it to you.

 All right, then. Let’s go to the bedroom, remove our clothes, fold them neatly and engage in frenzied lovemaking.

 Of course. Here, here, let me. I’ve been doing a little research on New Jersey, and I was delighted to learn that their chief agricultural product is sod.

 Hmm, yes. Yeah, perhaps I’ve been harder on them than they deserve.

 It’s hard to say. I’ve never really lived by myself. What if I become strange and eccentric?

 Now of course, my 9am is your noon, so let’s avoid the whole good morning, good afternoon minefield, and let’s just say hello. 

 And just remember, I am proud of you and I support you in all that you do.

 Oh, and one last thing. If you find yourself working with a male scientist who’s as smart as me, as tall as me and has hair like Thor, well, then I want you to step away from the situation and call me immediately.

 Now, I’ve learned some fun facts about New Jersey to help you make small talk. Would you like to know the state bird or the murder rate? They’re both shocking.

 Well, I’m a lot less likely to see an Eastern Goldfinch or be murdered, I’ll tell you that.

 I am. It is naughty to put an adverb between the word to and the verb stem.

 Gentlemen. You may remember Dr. Nowitzki, She’s back at Caltech for her postdoc.

 Oh, thanks. Dr. Nowitzki’s going to tell me about the work she did at CERN. And she brought me this duty-free Toblerone.

 Yeah. Raj made the funniest joke, he said, which is the best ladder to use to hang myself?

 Oh, not at all. I’ve had outings with Leonard and Raj in the evening, and, oh, I had lunch

 Many years ago. Back when she was a grad student. She’s always been a huge fan of my work, and now she’s doing research at Caltech.

 Yes. I think you’d like her. She’s extremely intelligent, just like you. Unlike you, she’s tall, blonde and used to be an Olympic swimmer.

 I was scared, but I told myself it’s just a big bathtub. Then I got scared again ’cause there are all these strangers in my bathtub.

 Yes, we skyped this morning and I’m sure I’ll check in with her before I go to sleep.

 That is true. She keeps asking how long Amy’s going to be gone.

 Do you know, I’ve corresponded with Peter Higgs. Would you like to see some of his letters?

 Hmm? Oh, no, no, no. They’re from many famous people. See? Oh, like this one. This is from Patrick Stewart. It says if I come to his house again, I get to meet his dogs. Oh, excuse me.

 I miss you, too. Hey, this is good timing. Remember that Dr. Nowitzki I told you about? She’s right here.

 I must tell you, that seems a little inappropriate. Don’t you agree?

 Hey, I hate to break up the party, but Amy says I’m tired and have to go to bed.

 That may be true, but Dr. Nowitzki’s just a friend. In fact, I wouldn’t have even noticed she’s a woman if she hadn’t worn that bathing suit that highlighted her bosom.

 Although, Amy’s already taken me out of my package and played with me.

 Penny, look. I appreciate your concern, but I don’t think that’s what’s happening.

 I think Dr. Nowitzki is a friendly colleague. I think you and Leonard need to see a marriage counsellor. And I need to update my résumé to include swimming as a special skill.

 Uh, breakfast yes, lunch no. I did have a cough drop, but that really rides the line between sucking and eating.

 And I with you. Question, are you seeking a romantic relationship with me?

 Well, that would raise a number of problems. We’re colleagues. I’m currently in a relation… Excuse me a moment.

 Oh, take your time. I’ll just finish my crossword puzzle. Oh wait.

 Sheldon, this was your idea. A little extra money to get fractional T1 bandwidth in the apartment.

 I think we should be good neighbours, invite her over, make her feel welcome.

 Well it’s not difficult, you just listen to what she says and then you say something appropriate in response.

 Anyway, um. We brought home Indian food. And, um. I know that moving can be stressful, and I find that when I’m undergoing stress, that good food and company can have a comforting effect. Also, curry is a natural laxative, and I don’t have to tell you that, uh, a clean colon is just one less thing to worry about.

 At least I didn’t have to invent twenty-six dimensions just to make the math come out.

 Um, me, okay, I’m Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know.

 Oh, yeah, a lot of people think I’m a water sign. Okay, let’s see, what else, oh, I’m a vegetarian, oh, except for fish, and the occasional steak, I love steak. 

 Oh God, you know, four years I lived with him, four years, that’s like as long as High School. 

 You want to know the most pathetic part? Even though I hate his lying, cheating guts, I still love him. Is that crazy?

 That’s not true, remember at Thanksgiving my grandmother with Alzheimer’s had that episode.

 What makes you think she wouldn’t have sex with me, I’m a male and she’s a female?

 I’m not going to engage in hypotheticals here, I’m just trying to be a good neighbour.

 That’s not to say that if a carnal relationship were to develop that I wouldn’t participate. However briefly.

 To mend her broken heart. This situation is much less complicated. There’s some kind of dispute between Penny and her ex-boyfriend as to who gets custody of the TV. She just wanted to avoid having a scene with him.

 No, Sheldon, there’s not going to be a scene. There’s two of us and one of him.

 Excuse me, if I were to give up at the first little hitch I never would have been able to identify the fingerprints of string theory in the aftermath of the big bang.

 Come on, we have a combined IQ of 360, we should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building.

 And you were right about my motives, I was hoping to establish a relationship with Penny that might have some day led to sex.

 Anyway, I’ve learned my lesson. She’s out of my league, I’m done with her, I’ve got my work, one day I’ll win the Nobel Prize and then I’ll die alone.

 Baby, baby don’t get hooked on me. Uh, baby, baby don’t get hooked on me.

 Uh, I’m not sure, everyone keep an eye on Howard in case he starts to swell up.

 Hey Raj! (Raj looks uncomfortable) Still not talking to me, huh?

 Excuse me, your entire argument is predicated on the assumption that Superman’s flight is a feat of strength.

 Yeah, and you don’t have a problem with that, how does he fly at night.

 I have 26 hundred comic books in there, I challenge you to find a single reference to Kryptonian skin cells.

 Okay, her apartment’s on the fourth floor but the elevator’s broken so you’re going to have to (delivery man leaves) oh, you’re just going to be done, okay, cool, thanks. I guess we’ll just bring it up ourselves.

 We don’t need strength, we’re physicists. We are the intellectual descendents of Archimedes. Give me a fulcrum and a lever and I can move the Earth, it’s just a matter… (starts to move package) I don’t have this… I don’t have this I don’t have this.

 Easy, easy (package falls) Okay! Now we’ve got an inclined plane. The force required to lift is reduced by the sine of the angle of the stairs, call it thirty degrees, so about half. 

 Exactly half. Let’s push. Okay, see, it’s moving, this is easy, all in the math. 

 What? Oh, okay, uh, okay, yeah, no problem, just come up here and help me pull and turn.

 Almost there, almost there, almost there. (Lets go of package, it starts to slip down)

 Did it ever occur to you that not everyone has the compulsive need to sort, organise and label the entire world around them?

 Well they don’t. Hard as it may be for you to believe, most people don’t sort their breakfast cereal numerically by fibre content.

 When the transvestite lived here, you didn’t care how he kept the place.

 Oh, great, thank you again (she throws her jacket over the back of the sofa).

 Are you insane, you can’t just break into a woman’s apartment in the middle of the night and clean.

 Do you realise that if Penny wakes up, there is no reasonable explanation as to why we’re here?

 No, no. You gave me an explanation, it’s reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers.

 I’m not surprised. A well known folk cure for insomnia is to break into your neighbour’s apartment and clean.

 You know what, you’ve convinced me, maybe tonight we should sneak in and shampoo her carpet.

 Yes! For God’s sake, Sheldon, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth.

 You are going to march yourself over there right now and apologise. (Sheldon laughs.) What’s funny?

 It is an inefficient design, for example Penny has a flat screen TV, which means all the space behind it is wasted.

 Oh, really, show me where we put a drip tray, a sluice and an overflow reservoir?

 Oh, I’ve got it. How about if we replace panels A, B and F and crossbar H with aircraft grade aluminium. 

 Alright, just a few more feet, and…. here we are gentlemen, the Gates of Elzebub.

 Warriors, unsheathe your weapons, magic wielders raise your wands.

 Sheldon, he’s got Raj, use your sleath spell. Sheldon! Sheldon!

 Sheldon, if you were a robot, and I knew and you didn’t, would you want me to tell you?

 Maybe, although the history of science-fiction is not on your side. 

 That’s true. Have you ever harmed a human being, or through inaction allowed a human being to come to harm?

 Have you ever harmed yourself, or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would have been endangered?

 Oh, we tried kissing, but the earth didn’t move. I mean any more than the 383 miles that it was going to move anyway. 

 You don’t know me, you don’t wear my chains… God, that’s a good song. 

 I know what you’re thinking, I’ve taken your asthma into account. There’s a feline geneticist in San Diego who has developed the cutest little hypo-allergenic calicos. 

 I’ve been thinking about names, I’m kind of torn between Einstein, Newton and Sergeant Fuzzyboots. 

 It doesn’t matter. The woman’s not interested in me, the woman rejected me. 

 No, but you’re right. I should march over there and ask her out. 

 By the way, if it should ever come up, you didn’t join us because you stuffed yourself with a chicken carbonara sub at Quizznos. 

 No reason. Oh, you know what, maybe this isn’t such a good idea. 

 I mean, I’m a perfectly nice guy. There’s no reason we couldn’t go to the restaurant and have a lovely dinner. Maybe take a walk afterwards, talk about things we have in common, “you love pottery? I love pottery!” You know, there’s a pause, we both know what’s happening, I lean in, we kiss, it’s a little tentative at first but then I realise, she’s kissing me back, and she’s biting my lower lip, you know, she wants me, this thing is going the distance, we’re going to have sex! Oh God! Oh, my God!

 If I could calm down I wouldn’t be having a panic attack, that’s why they call it a panic attack.

 Oh, who am I kidding, I can’t go through with this, you need to call her and cancel.

 Not the kind of illness that will make her want to come over and take care of me, but nothing so critical that she’ll feel uncomfortable going out with me in the future if I want to try this again.

 I can’t because if I don’t show up she’ll still be expecting you.

 Sounds like a breakthrough, should I call the science magazines and tell them to hold the front cover? (Exiting the apartment.)

 Well then we’ll avoid Finkleday, we’ll meet the new department head, congratulate him, shake his hand and go. 

 Of course, but it’s all Indian food. You can’t find a bagel in Mumbai to save your life. Schmear me.

 What. (Sees Howard entering with a statuesque blonde) Howard brought a date?

 Well, you did call him a glorified high-school science teacher whose last successful experiment was lighting his own farts.

 You know, I’m sure if you just apologised to Gablehauser he would give you your job back.

 Hi, hey. I’m running out to the market, do you guys need anything?

 Well, maybe it’s all for the best, you know I always say, when one door closes, another one opens. 

 Uh, no, no not really. Listen, didn’t you say you needed some eggs. 

 Oh, I don’t know Sheldon, it’s going to take me a while to recover from all the fun I had today. 

 Mum’s the word. Sheldon, are you sure you don’t want to just apologise to Gablehauser and get your job back.

 Because one of the great minds of the twenty-first century is raising glow-in-the-dark fish and weaving sarapes. 

 You know how your daddy used to say that you can only fish for so long before you got to throw a stick of dynamite in the water?

 Well, I’m done fishing. (Throwing a pair of trousers on the bed) You put those on.

 Because you’re going to go down to your office, you’re going to apologise to your boss, and get your job back. 

 I’m sorry, did I start that sentence with the words “if it please your highness?”

 Now you listen here, I have been telling you since you were four years old, it’s okay to be smarter than everybody but you can’t go around pointing it out.

 Because people don’t like it. Remember all the ass-kickings you got from the neighbour kids? Now let’s get cracking. Shower, shirt, shoes, and let’s shove off. (Exits)

 I’m very proud of you honey, you showed a lot of courage today.

 Uh, which one, the Classic Burger, the Ranch House Burger, the Barbecue Burger or the Kobe burger?

 If Penny didn’t know that Lesley had already turned me down then that would unambiguously mean that she, Penny, thought that I should her, Lesley, out, indicating that she, Penny, had no interest in me asking her, Penny, out. But because she did know that I had asked Lesley out and that she, Lesley, had turned me down then she, Penny, could be offering consolation. That’s too bad, you would have made a cute couple. But while thinking, good, Leonard remains available. 

 Okay, sweetie, I know you think you’re explaining yourself, but you’re really not. 

 Alright, look, a tie on the doorknob usually means someone doesn’t want to be disturbed because they’re, you know, getting busy. 

 Wait, you had to leave the state because your roommate was having sex?

 Gee, Sheldon, you’re asking the wrong girl. I’m usually on the other side of the tie. 

 Yeah, I noticed it when I got up to get a glass of water, so I fixed it, now you can show that quarks are asymptotically free at high energies. Pretty cool, huh?

 I’m sorry, I’ve got to run, if you come up with an adjective, text me. (Leaves). 

 Wuh, I don’t…. th-th-th-that’s really two different questions, uh, I’m not…. Sheldon, we have to go! 

 Thank you. What did she mean, she’s happy for me? Is she happy because I’m seeing someone, or is she happy because she thinks that I’m happy, because anyone who cared for someone would want them to be happy, even if the reason for their happiness made the first person unhappy. You know, because the second person, though happy, is now romantically unavailable to the first person.

 You know what, I’m being ridiculous. But who cares what Penny thinks, Lesley is a terrific girl, she’s attractive, we like each other, she’s extremely intelligent.

 Regardless, I have a chance at a real relationship with Lesley, I’m not going to pass that up for some hypothetical future happiness with a woman who may or may not want me to be happy with a woman who is currently making me happy. 

 Well what did she mean by that? Was that just a generic platitude or was that a subtle bid for attention? 

 I think we have to acknowledge, those were some fairly savage pre-adolescent Jews. 

 I shot you for good reason, you were leading us into disaster. 

 Well, there will be boys, and there will be girls, and it is a party. So, it’ll just be a bunch of my friends, we’ll have some beer, do a little dancing…

 Make way for the fastest man alive. (Enters, also in a Flash costume.) Oh no!

 Hey, Sheldon, there’s something I want to talk to you about before we go to the party.

 Terrific. Um, this party is my first chance for Penny to see me in the context of her social group, and I need you not to embarrass me tonight. 

 For example, tonight no-one needs to know that my middle name is Leakey. 

 Well, yeah, when you start a party at seven, no-one shows up at, you know, seven. 

 Oh, Sheldon, I’m sorry but there aren’t going to be any parades or judges or prizes. 

 No thanks, peanuts, I can’t afford to swell up in these tights. 

 I  want to get to know Penny’s friends, I just, I don’t know how to talk to these people. 

 Why should we leave? For all we know, he crashed the party and Penny doesn’t even want him here. (Penny and Kurt hug).

 Look, if this was 15,000 years ago, by virtue of his size and strength, Kurt would be entitled to his choice of female partners.

 Yes, but our society has undergone a paradigm shift, in the information age, Sheldon, you and I are the alpha males. We shouldn’t have to back down. 

 No, I said animalistic. Of course we’re all animals, but some of us have climbed a little higher on the evolutionary tree. 

 If we’re having anchovies on the pizza we can’t take it out of bathroom time. (There is a knock on the door.)

 Well, there’s this girl I know from back in Nebraska, Christie, well anyway she called me up and she’s like “Hey, how’s California,” and I’m like “Awesome” ‘cos, you know, it’s not Nebraska, and the next thing I know she’s invited herself out here to stay with me. 

 Well, she was engaged to my cousin while she was sleeping with my brother, so she’s kind of family. 

 Ugh, I cannot believe Christie let Howard into my apartment.    

 I’m sorry, are you suggesting that if we let Penny stay we might succumb to cannibalism?

 I know, I know, look, you have a TV in your room, why don’t you just have breakfast in bed? 

 Hi fellas. Oh, where’s your annoying little friend who thinks he speaks Mandarin?

 Wolowitz is with his new girlfriend, if you had let me invite Penny then you would have had your fourth.

 You are nice boys. Tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to bring you the four dumplings. When I’m walking over to the table, maybe I get bumped, one of the dumplings falls to the floor, no-one has to know. 

 Right, anyway, uh, with Wolowitz occupied elsewhere, we had something we wanted to ask you. Sheldon?

 Oh, that’s so sweet. But I’m going out dancing with a girlfriend. 

 Maybe we should have asked if we could go dancing with her and her girlfriend. 

 Sheldon, think this through, you’re going to ask Howard to choose between sex and Halo.

 You’re right, all sex has is nudity, orgasms and human contact. 

 Sheldon, you got him in your sights, fire, he’s charging his plasma rifle. 

 Okay, now, do you really need the honorary Justice League of America membership card?

 Actually, I read somewhere that it’s one of the most popular programmes in India. 

 Excuse me, hello? My parents are trying to marry me off to a total stranger, what am I going to do?

 Oh, great, well the key to acquiring proficiency in any task is repetition.

 Uh, how about a grasshopper. I make a mean grasshopper. Okay? Good. Coming up. Sheldon, what are you going to have?

 Okay, can you please order a cocktail, I need to practice mixing drinks.

 Um, Raj, honey, you say you can’t talk to women but… you’ve been talking to me.

 I’d say he was doing fine, look at her, last girl my mom set me up with had a moustache and a vestigial tail. 

 Oh, yeah, I tried to watch that online, but they wanted a credit card. 

 Hey guys. This is Lalita Gupta, Lalita this is Leonard and Sheldon and Howard and Penny. Isn’t it great, she isn’t fat any more! 

 Don’t be insulting Rajesh. So, Sheldon, tell me more about this princess you say I look like. 

 If you do not stop hitting on my lady you will feel the full extent of my wrath.

 Okay, let’s get something straight here. The only reason I came tonight was to get my parents off my case, I certainly don’t need to be getting this old world crap from you.

 Go ahead, tell my parents why they won’t have any grandchildren.

 Can we please stop talking about my testicles? Sheldon, tell them what you did.

 Gentlemen, I am now about to send a signal from this laptop through our local ISP, racing down fibre-optic cable at the speed of light to San Francisco, bouncing off a satellite in geosynchronous orbit to Lisbon, Portugal, where the data packets will be handed off to submerged transatlantic cables terminating in Halifax, Nova-Scotia, and transferred across the continent via microwave relays back to our ISP and the X10 receiver attached to this (clicks mouse, lamp switches on) lamp. (The others cheer and clap). 

 The monster truck is out of Austin, Texas, and the blue Viper is being operated from suburban Tel Aviv. 

 I suppose you could have your android penis circumcised. But that’s something your Rabbi would have to discuss with the manufacturers. 

 It’s from the Institute for Experimental Physics. They want us to present our paper on the properties of super solids at the topical conference on Bowes-Einstein condensates. 

 Okay… if I may drill down to the bedrock of my question, why did you throw it out.

 Are there any other honours I’ve gotten that I don’t know about? Did UPS drop off a Nobel Prize with my name on it?

 Oh, come on. The only reason you’re the lead author is because we went alphabetically. 

 Excuse me, I designed the experiment that proved the hypothesis. 

 So the entire scientific community is just supposed to take your word?

 Alright, I don’t care what you say, I’m going to the conference and I’m presenting our findings. 

 Oh, you know, that is so weird that yours came and mine didn’t. (Sheldon looks confused). It was a joke. (Sheldon gives a fake laugh.) Yup, tip your waitresses, I’m here all week. 

 Oh yeah, me too. Zip it, lock it. (The begin to climb) Put it in your pocket. So you and Leonard…

 Anyway, I was talking to Leonard this morning and I think he feels really bad about it. 

 Well I’m just asking if it’s difficult to be fighting with your best friend. 

 You should just talk to him, I’m sure you guys can work this out. 

 Okay, so you absolutely should talk to him, look, I know Leonard values you as a friend, and he told me himself that without your little idea there’s no way he could have come up with this whole experiment thing.

 Yeah, I mean he tried to explain it to me, I didn’t really understand it but…

 Um, gee, the exact words aren’t written… it’s more the spirit in which it’s 

 Hey, Sheldon, I’ve been thinking, instead of arguing about this why don’t….

 Okay, I’m going to ask you one more time, we did the work together, lets present the paper together.

 Look, if you weren’t happy with my presentation then maybe you should have given it with me.

 I’ve had enough of your condescension. Maybe I didn’t go to college when I was eleven like you, maybe I got my doctorate at 24 instead of 16, but you are not the only person who is smarter than everyone else in this room. No offense. And I am clearly not the only person who is tormented by insecurity and has an ego in need of constant validation.

 Yes. (To audience) My name is Dr Leonard Hofstadter, and I could never please my parents so I need to get all my self-esteem from strangers like you. But he’s worse.

 See, the liquid metal Terminators were created in the future by Skynet, and Skynet was developed by Miles Dyson, but that future no longer exists, due to Dyson’s death in Terminator 2.

 Alright, remember when I auditioned for that workshop production of Rent, but I didn’t get it and I couldn’t figure out why?

 It’s not a big deal, just a one night showcase, but they invite a lot of casting people and agents so, you never know. 

 Because…. uh, Friday, we are attending a symposium on molecular positronium.

 I highly doubt that. Go away. (Long pause). Are you still out there? 

 I couldn’t say that, I would have to say, you were terrific and I can’t wait to hear you sing again. 

 It’s the social protocol, it’s what you do when you have a friend who’s proud of something they really suck at. 

 Oooaw. This would be so much easier if I were a violent sociopath. (Opening door) What?

 I don’t get it, I already told her a lie, why replace it with a different lie?

 So she’s expecting me to lie about going to a symposium in Pasadena, when in actuality we’re pretending to go to a drug intervention in Long Beach? 

 It’s okay, I do, look, Leonard is helping Sheldon through a family crisis, he made up the whole story about the symposium with Dr Farmin..farm…ian

 Let it go, Sheldon, the murderer was the first mate whether it makes sense to you or not. 

 What are you talking about, it’s fine, she bought it, it’s over. 

 Au contraire. I’m 26 years old, I’m originally from (reads off crib notes) Denton, Texas, but I was a Navy brat so I was brought up on a variety of military bases around the world, as a result I’ve often felt like an outsider, never really fitting in, which is probably the reason for my substance abuse problem.

 Sheldon, how about this as my motivation. When I was fourteen years old I was abused in the Philippines by a club footed Navy chaplain.

 The Philippines. 1992. The Subic Bay Naval Station. A young boy on the cusp of manhood. His only companions mongrel dogs and malarial mosquitos. Desperate and alone he reached out to a man who promised to introduce him to a merciful, loving God, but who instead introduced him to a gin pickled tongue shoved down his adolescent throat. What choice did he have but to drink, shoot and snort his pain away.

 And that he loved the companionship and the wisdom that his own father failed to provide. 

 Oh, better than North Dakota! (Pause) I guess that joke’s only funny in Nebraska.

 Ugh, it was the worst trip, everyone got sick over the weekend.

 Sheldon, relax, she doesn’t have any symptoms, I’m sure she’s not contagious.

 No problem. Welcome home. (Sees Penny out. Turns to find Sheldon spraying the air with Lysol.)

 You had time to make a label for everything in this apartment, including the label maker, but you didn’t have ten seconds to make one that said urine cup? 

 I’m at work, Sheldon. (A woman enters the apartment building with a barking dog.) 

 Howard’s sleeping, this is his mother. Why are you calling at this ungodly hour? 

 Why didn’t you just…. (louder throat clearance) Why didn’t you just have soup at home. 

 Oh, it’s okay, I didn’t really need to work today, it’s not like I have rent or car payments or anything.

 Sheldon, you are a grown man, haven’t you ever been sick before? 

 Okay, ground rules, no sponge baths, and definitely no enemas. 

 Wait! Penny! Take me with you! (Runs after her and bumps into pillar. Falls semi-conscious to the floor.  Sheldon appears in his comforter.) 

 Would the new Sheldon be in any way an improvement on the old Sheldon? 

 I already know you’re not. You don’t have an open science grid computer, or a free electron laser, and the string theory research being done here is nothing but a dead end. 

 I mean, the whole landscape of false vacuums in string theory could be as large as ten to the five-hundredth power. In addition… ooh, look, chocolate milk. 

 It’s startling to me you haven’t considered a Lorentz invariant field theory approach.

 You can’t let this kid get to you. You always knew that someday someone would come along who was younger and smarter.

 So, you’ve got a bit of competition, I really don’t see what the big deal is. 

 Okay, well, right now I’m designing an experiment to study the soft component of cosmic radiation at sea-level, but I really don’t need any help. 

 Okay, Sheldon, I understand that you’re going through a bit of a career crisis, you’re searching for some other area where you can feel valuable and productive but I need to tell you something and I want you to listen carefully. 

 I’ve been at this lab for three years, you’ve never came by to say hello.

 A small payload support structure for a European science experimental package that’s going up on the next space shuttle. 

 When this is done, it will be attached to the payload bay, and the sensor apparatus will rest on it. 

 No, you don’t understand, during acceleration it needs to stay perfectly level and provide… yeah, okay, it’s a shelf. 

 Sheldon, there’s a diploma in my office that says I have a masters in engineering.

 Okay, well, um, speaking of spreads, we’re having a small welcoming party this afternoon for Mr Kim, who’s agreed to join us here at the University.

 I don’t think you mean we can’t. I think you mean we shouldn’t. 

 Mr Kim was not only the valedictorian at Stamford University, he is also the youngest recipient of the prestigious Stephenson Award.

 I’d be more interested in a scene depicting Spock’s conception. 

 Will the gentleman from the great state of denial yield for a question? 

 After we go through the exercise of an annoying series of votes, all of which the gentleman will lose, does he then intend to threaten to quit if he does not get his way?

 Okay, the first question is on the topic of optics. What is the shortest light pulse ever produced? Dr Cooper.

 Good for you, sweetie. Okay, next question. What is the quantum mechanical effect used to encode data on hard disk drives? Howard.

 Don’t you think I should answer the engineering questions? I am an engineer.

 Okay. What artificial satellite has seen glimpses of Einsteins predicted frame dragging? (Raj buzzes.)

 Isn’t that confusing? AA might mean something else to certain people. 

 No, I meant…. never mind. Hey, check it out. I got you a Batman cookie jar!

 Well, you’re a friend, and you like Batman, and cookies, and you’re off the team. 

 Okay, let me try it this way, uh, I was at a coffee klatch with a couple of friends and one thing led to another and it turns out you’re off the team. 

 Okay, let me try it this way, you’re annoying and no-one wants to play with you any more. 

 Yeah, Leslie Winkle. The answer to the question, who made Sheldon Cooper cry like a little girl? 

 Denied. Alright, for ten points, what is the lightest element on earth with no stable isotope. (Buzz) AA?

 Here I am janitor, in former Soviet Union I am physicist. Leningrad Politechnica. Go Polar Bears. 

 Well, that’s too bad, because the answer your teammate gave was correct. 

 Hang on. Sheldon, is proving that you are single-handedly smarter than everyone else so important that you would rather lose by yourself than win as part of a team. 

 My Physics Bowl Trophy! (In weird voice) “Leonard is so smart, Sheldon who?”

 I’m settling once and for all who is the smartest around here. Okay, are you ready?

 I go outside and I talk to people. Alright, here, what actor holds the record for being named people magazine’s sexiest man alive?

 It was a spur of the moment thing, I figured it would go for thousands and I just wanted to be a part of it. 

 Hey, if you wait for us to set up the time machine, I can drop you off at work yesterday. Time travel joke, it’s not… never mind. 

 Oh yeah. The guy who lives next to me is always like, I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony, I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony. But wait until I tell him, I’ve got a time machine on my balcony. Stuff that in your speedos, Jacuzzi Bob!

 Good choice, Alexander Graham Bell invents the telephone and calls out for Dr Watson.

 Not done. By the time I finally got to work, they’d given my shift away. Yeah, that’s right, I’ve lost an entire day’s pay thanks to this… this…

 No! I don’t want to try it, my God, you are grown men, how could you waste your lives with these stupid toys and costumes and comic books and… and now that… that…

 Oh please, it’s not a time machine, if anything it looks like something Elton John would drive through the Everglades.

 Because I want to go back and keep myself from getting a time machine.

 Uh, here’s the thing. Girls like Penny never end up with guys who own time machines. 

 Oh, Leonard. (Kisses him as they descend from view. Leonard wakes up still sitting in the time machine.)

 I’m packing up all my collectibles and taking them down to the comic book store to sell. 

 Dude, everyone knows a time machine loses half its value the minute you drive it off the lot.

 Forget it guys, if I sell to one of you, the other two are going to be really mad at me.

 I’m glad you agree. I hired some guys to help us move it, come on in fellas. (A pair of Morlocks come through the door.)

 Sorry I’m late, I’m working on a project that may take me up on the next space shuttle.

 Okay, so let me see if I got this. Leonard, Howard and… I’m sorry what was your name again. (Raj looks uncomfortable, turns and walks away, disappears round corner. He then reappears, takes the orange paper from the noticeboard and leaves again.)

 And I had to drop off some papers for Shelly to sign for my dad’s estate.

 Oh, I don’t think so. Shelly doesn’t like company. Even as a little boy he’d send his imaginary friends home at the end of the day. 

 Well it would be nice not to have to drive out to Anaheim in rush hour.

 I’ll walk you to your car. You’re in structure 3 level C, right? 

 He was trying to build some kind of armed robot to keep me out of his room.

 Yep. I had to go through the entire second grade with crooked eyebrows my Mom drew on.

 Sheldon, are you aware that your sister is an incredibly attractive woman?

 Alright, noted. But my point is that Koothrappali and Wolowitz… they’re hitting on your sister. 

 Okay, uh…. oh, consider this. With your father gone, it is your responsibility to make sure that Missy chooses a suitable mate. 

 Exactly. And, you owe it to yourself and to posterity to protect the genetic integrity of your sister’s future offspring. 

 I’m not happy, it’s the medication, I can’t stop smiling. (Waves hand at mouth. It keeps waving.)

 Everybody knows genetic diversity produces the strongest offspring. Why not put a little mocha in the family latte. 

 Is it ‘cause I’m Jewish, ‘cause I’d kill my Rabbi with a porkchop to be with your sister.

 Okay. I’m not even going to ask why you’re pimping me out for cheese. But since when do you care at all about who I sleep with? 

 Okay Shelly, sit down. Now I’ve lived my whole life dealing with the fact that my twin brother is, as Mom puts it, one of God’s special little people. 

 I thought it ended at cuckoo. Now you listen to me, if you want to start acting like a brother who cares about me, then terrific. Bring it on. But you try one time to tell me who I should be sleeping with, and you and I are going to go round and round the way we did when we were little. Remember? (Sheldon hurriedly crosses his legs.) 

 Come on, Shelly. (Hugs him. He looks uncomfortable, then hugs back half heartedly.) I want you to know I’m very proud of you.

 Yup, I’m always bragging to my friends about my brother the rocket scientist. 

 Yeah, that’s terrific, but what they wanted me to ask you was to cut it the hell out. (To someone off) Right come on guys, come on. (Singing while approaching another table) Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…

 So Leonard, will we be seeing you on Saturday for your free birthday cheesecake?

 I did your horoscope, remember, I was going to do everybody’s until Sheldon went on one of his typical psychotic rants.

 What was it called, “I hate my son and that’s why he can’t have cake?” 

 Okay, here’s the deal, we are going to throw Leonard a kick-ass surprise party for his birthday on Saturday.

 Fine. If I do have a threesome, you can’t be part of it. I’m just kidding, yes you can. Can you bring a friend? 

 Okay, sweetie, I understand you have scars that no non-professional can heal, but nevertheless we are going to throw Leonard a birthday party. 

 Okay, here’s the deal, you either help me throw Leonard a birthday party or, so help me God, I will go into your bedroom and I will unbag all of your most valuable mint condition comic books. And on one of them, you won’t know which, I’ll draw a tiny happy face in ink. 

 Well, Sheldon, you’re his friend. Friends give each other presents.

 Sheldon, a gift shouldn’t be something someone needs, it should be something fun, you know, something they wouldn’t buy for themselves.

 Okay, the point is, one of the ways we show we care about people is by putting thought and imagination into the gifts we give them. 

 Here, buy this one. Look, it’s the one we’re getting, see, happy guy available. 

 No, it’s Wo de ming zi shi Sheldon. (Makes a hand movement with every syllable.)

 Oh, I’ll tell you what’s going on, that stupid self-centred bastard wrote about our sex life in his blog. (Out of window) Drop dead, you stupid self-centred bastard! (To Leonard) Thank you. (exit)

 Okay, feel better, bye. (Goes back to apartment) She doesn’t want to talk. 

 For God’s sake, Sheldon, if you don’t like the tangerine chicken, don’t order the tangerine chicken.

 I was just wondering if I could talk to you? It’s about Leonard.

 Well, Raj can’t talk to me unless he’s drunk, and Wolowitz is, you know, disgusting. 

 Okay, so, here’s the thing. I guess you’re aware that Leonard asked me out. 

 Oh, that’s nice. Anyhow, the thing I wanted to talk to you about is, you know, since Leonard and I have become friends, I was just… want to sit down? 

 Alright, why don’t you just pick one at random, and then if you don’t like it you can sit somewhere else next time. 

 Okay. Um, here’s the thing. So, I’ve known for a while now that Leonard has had a little crush on me…

 Yeah, I don’t care, I don’t care. The point is Leonard isn’t the kind of guy I usually go out with.

 No. What I’m saying is, Leonard might be different in a good way. Obviously my usual choices have not worked out so well. 

 But on the other hand, if things don’t go well with Leonard, I risk losing a really good friend. I mean, I guess he’s not looking for a fling, he’s the kind of guy that gets into a relationship for, I don’t know, like you would say light years. 

 Sheldon, do you have anything to say that has anything to do with, you know, what I’m talking about. 

 Now that I’m actually about to go out with Penny, I’m not excited, I’m nauseous. 

 Sheldon, this date is probably my one chance with Penny, what happens if I blow it. 

 Bite me. Sheldon, how could you just sit there and let them spy on me?

 Alright, I heard yes, so… okay, here’s my question, has Leonard ever dated, you know, a regular girl. 

 No, I meant has he ever been involved with someone who wasn’t a braniac? 

 So, do you think that if Leonard and I keep dating he’ll eventually get bored with me. 

 Okay, okay, you know, I get it, Leonard has no business being involved with a waitress slash actress who felt so insecure that she lied to him about finishing community college. 

 Well, he was going on and on about this college and that grad school and I didn’t want him to think I was some stupid loser. 

 You know, there are a lot of successful people in this country who are community college graduates. 

 Right, okay look, this is between you and me, you cannot tell Leonard any of this. 

 Okay, look, if Leonard finds out that I lied, I will absolutely die of embarrassment. 

 Great. So you just let me know when you know. So… (she leaves) Oh God, I am the bad fish! What did I do wrong?

 Look, just forget I told you about me not graduating from community college. Okay?

 How dare you. Aishwarya Rai is a Goddess. By comparison Madhuri Dixit is a leprous prostitute.

 For God’s sake, ma, I’m 27 years old. It’s not even a school night! (To Sheldon) Comfy now?

 I’m coming! (Opens the door. Sheldon falls inside, wearing his pyjamas. Howard is outside.)

 Koothrappali dumped him on me, and he couldn’t get to sleep, so I gave him a glass of warm milk with a handful of my mom’s valium in it. But he still wouldn’t shut up, so, tag, you’re it. 

 Dammit, Sheldon! You said Penny told you a secret, what was the secret.

 Renaissance fairs aren’t about historical accuracy. They’re about taking chubby girls who work at Kinko’s and lacing them up in corsets so tight their bosom jumps out and says howdy.

 Hi guys. Looks like you’ve been to the Renaissance fair. I’m hoping.

 By moving on, do you mean, she’s going out with other men and you spent the afternoon making fifteenth century soap with Wolowitz?

 Can we please just go in, my chain mail is stuck in my underwear.

 What? I’ve dated plenty of women. There was Joyce Kim, Leslie Winkle.

 Alright, alright. Well, uh, nevertheless, I have one now and I would appreciate it if you would, you know, make yourself scarce.

 I know it is, and if science ever discovers a second member of your species and you two would like some privacy I would be more than happy to get out of your way.

 Oh. Oh, well, good for him. Yeah but, why are you sitting here, why don’t you just go to a movie or something?

 Well, they have a lot in common. I mean they’re both scientists.

 Okay, now my uncles are bald, but my Aunt Edna is one of the hairiest women you will ever meet. So… Sweet lady. It always tickles when she hugs me. (Sheldon knocks and enters again.) What now?

 Come on, Sheldon, there’s so few places I can wear my jester costume.

 Oh, okay, how about this. You can go dressed as a Star Trek science officer exploring a planet similar to Earth in the 1500s.

 Hmm, let’s do it. (Sheldon does not move. Leonard looks confused.)

 Third floor tonight. Mixing it up? (Sheldon indicates extension cord.) Oh. You know, I still don’t understand why you just don’t go to dinner or something.

 Oh, gee, well, thankyou for that. But, um, I think for now Leonard and I are just going to stay friends.

 You must know that if Leonard and Leslie want to be together, nothing you can do is going to stop it.

 Okay, let me put it this way, if you’re really Leonard’s friend you will support him no matter who he wants to be with.

 Hang on a second. Loop quantum gravity clearly offers more testable predictions than string theory.

 Okay, well, for one thing we expect quantii space-time to manifest itself as minute differences in the speed of light for different colours.

 I’m sorry, I could have accepted our kids being genetically unable to eat ice-cream or ever get a good view of a parade, but this? This is a deal breaker. (Leaves.)

 Why? I’ll tell you why. Because today I had an audition, it took me two hours to get there, I waited an hour for my turn, and before I could even start they told me I looked too Midwest for the part. Too Midwest? What the hell does that even mean?

 I know what it means, Sheldon! God, you know, I have been in L.A. for almost two years now, and I haven’t got a single acting job, I have accomplished nothing, haven’t gotten a raise at work, haven’t even had sex in six months, and just now when I was walking up those stairs a fly flew in my mouth and I ate it.

 No! I am frustrated because I am a failure at everything and my breath smells like fly. (Bursts into tears.)

 No Sheldon, I’d rather sit on this freezing cold floor sobbing like a three year-old.

 Okay. (Leonard motions for Sheldon to talk in the kitchen.) Wait, wait, where are you going?

 Okay, look, I bought the game, and I’ve been exploring the Island of Tordage but I can’t figure out how to get past the guard captain.

 Is that the place on the hill with the weird priests in front of it?

 Right, gimme, gimme, gimme, I want to kill the guard captain. (Leaves).

 No danger, look, it’s just me, Penny, look, I got to level 25 and reached Purple Lotus Swamp, right?

 Okay, just tell me, is it too soon to join a quest to the Black Castle?

 Yeah, yeah, by some guys in Budapest, I’m just not sure it’s the right move for my character.

 It wasn’t even an official sign-up sheet. He printed it himself and he put his name down in every slot for the next six months.

 Well don’t turn it off, you might miss your call from the Nobel committee letting you know you’ve been nominated as dumbass laureate of the year.

 Excuse me. Gablehauser. (Holding phone out to Sheldon) It’s for you.

 Why should I do something, you’re the one who introduced her to online gaming.

 You mean, up until now we’ve been experiencing the happy funtime Sheldon?

 Right, I heard you’ve been pulling all nighters with middle-earth Barbie.

 Thank you. My point is that Tinkerbell just needs to get her some.

 Uh… (checks out Sheldon’s package) Yeah, yeah. (Pulls out pen and writes it on Sheldon’s hand.)

 Okay, I’m at the gate to the Treasury of the Ancients, I’m going in.

 Oh, here come the mummies, which spell do I use? The hateful strike, or the frenzy stance?

 Oh, okay, wild adventure. Oh, frenzy stance isn’t working, die you undead mummy, die!

 Ooh, awesome, okay, I totally like to initiate I’m a big old five.

 Hi Tom. Sheldon? Didn’t I explain to you about your little mistake in the cafeteria?

 Yeah, Hi, listen, as long as I’m here, I’m on a quest with a bunch of noobs, they don’t know what they’re doing, we’ve got one assassin, three spellcasters and no tank.

 Thirty visionaries under thirty years of age to watch as they challenge the preconceptions of their fields.

 Well, we’re going to go apologise to Raj and invite him out to dinner.

 Well, he came over last night with some pretty good news, and we weren’t very supportive.

 Okay, let’s try it this way, what if the People magazine thing is the best Raj is ever going to achieve?

 And when we go in there, let’s show Raj that we’re happy for him.

 Well then fake it. Look at me, I could be grinding on the fact that without my stabilizing telescope mount he never would have found that stupid little clump of cosmic schmutz, but I’m bigger than that.

 I’m not talking about you, I’m talking about me. You, my exotic young friend are my star.

 Wait a minute, I called dibs on Fishbine’s office the day he started showing up at work in his bathrobe.

 It’s fantastic, apparently the camera loves me and I it. They shot me in front of a starry background where I posed like this. (Stares into space.) They’re going to digitally add a supernova, they say it’s the perfect metaphor for my incandescent talent.

 Oh, I’m sorry, is that politically incorrect? In India we just call them untouchables.

 Oh, you’re welcome. Of course, I couldn’t get you into the VIP section, because, you know, that’s for VIPs, and you guys are just, you know, Ps.

 And you guys aren’t going? I can’t believe you, Raj is celebrating a tremendous accomplishment and you’re not even going to be there to support him?

 Look at that. I got a date with Penny. I can’t believe it took you a whole year.

 Let’s just eat so I can get to bed. With any luck tonight will be the night my sleep apnoea kills me.

 Sheldon, not that we don’t all enjoy a good lion semen story, what’s your point.

 That may well be, but the fact is, it wouldn’t kill us to meet some new people.

 And he should have a lot of money, and live in a cool place down by the beach where we could throw parties.

 Sheldon, I was up all night using the new free-electron laser for my X-ray diffraction experiment.

 Didn’t I tell you I’d be working nights, and that you’d have to make other arrangements.

 Yeah, honey, you’ll be fine as long as you don’t do that bungee cord thing, okay?

 Sheldon, I told you, I only have access to the free-electron laser at night. I can’t drive you for the next few weeks.

 Yeah, and I never wanted to kick Albert Einstein in the nuts. You know, I gotta ask, why didn’t you just get a license at 16 like everybody else?

 Take this to the testing area, put your name at the top, sign the bottom, answer the questions, bring it back, next! (Sheldon moves forward) Application?

 Take this to the testing area, put your name at the top, sign the bottom, answer the questions, bring it back, next!

 This is a state-of-the-art simulator. I adapted it from something a friend of mine designed for the army.

 I haven’t configured it yet. Let’s see… Bradley tank… transport truck…  Batmobile…

 Okay, now, what you want to do first is turn on the ignition and shift into drive.

 How did you manage to get on the second floor of the Glendale galleria?

 I wonder a lot of things about you, Sheldon, but not… not that.

 Yes, you are, you’re meant to learn how to drive. Please learn how to drive!

 Fine. Assuming that everything you say is true, how does the biologically superior Homo Novus get to work tomorrow morning?

 So, dumbass, I heard you made a grad student throw up last night.

 Excuse me, Dr. Cooper, I’m Ramona Nowitzki, I was at your talk last night. I think you’re just brilliant.

 Ew. Dr. Cooper, I’ve read everything you’ve published. I especially liked your paper on grand unification using string-network condensates and was wondering how you determined that three-dimensional string-nets provided a unified picture of fermions and gauge bosons?

 Oh, my God, that would change the way we view the entire physical universe.

 Again, ew. You know, I’d love to hear more about how you intend to add neutrinos. Could we get a cup of coffee sometime?

 Uh-huh. The viewing area’s right over there. Sheldon, your girl… date… person… Ramona’s here.

 Oh, sorry I’m late. I just got so caught up reading the draft of your latest paper.

 So funny. But the idea that you might be able to incorporate gravity, I have to tell you, I found it physically exhilarating.

 Time which would be better spent tackling the great physics problems of our day.

 There won’t be any room until they get rid of the permanent Leslie Winkle exhibit.

 Yeah, I can see that. Sheldon, Halo night, Koothrappali’s. You coming?

 Didn’t a great man once say, “Science demands nothing less than the fervent and

 Dr. Cooper, I have to tell you, your friends are holding you back.

 Halo night? A man with your intellectual gifts doesn’t waste an evening playing video games.

 Sheldon, honey, I’ve told you, it’s a small apartment, you only have to knock one time.

 Sheldon, I’m not going to learn Morse code at three o’clock in the morning!

 Don’t come in here, don’t come in here, don’t come in here, don’t (Sheldon enters) Aw! What’s going on?

 That only applies if you need me to help you destroy an artificial intelligence you created that’s taking over the Earth.

 The bodysnatchers clause requires me to help you destroy someone we know who’s been replaced with an alien pod.

 You know you need your sleep in order for your cognitive processing to perform at optimum levels. Now come on.

 Well, would you consider naming it the Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem?

 Excuse me, Dr. Cooper, I’m Kathy O’Brien. I just finished reading your paper reconciling the black hole information paradox with your theory of string-network condensates, and it just took my breath away.

 You sound just like the cable company. All right, so, shh, Tyra Banks is about to kick someone off  America’s Next Top Model.

 Yeah, and they can all move in with you and your mother, the current Mrs. Wolowitz.

 Isn’t it obvious? Every week, they kick out a beautiful girl, making her feel unwanted and without self-esteem, a.k.a. the future Mrs. Howard Wolowitz.

 Oh, come on, everybody loves LOLcats. They’re cute and they can’t spell ’cause they’re cats.

 Shrimp Caesar salad with no almonds for the highly allergic kosher-only-on-the-high-holidays Howard, and for our suddenly back on the Hindu wagon Raj, meatlover’s pizza, no meat. Coming right up.

 Oh, I didn’t tell you? You’re banished from the Cheesecake Factory.

 Well, you have three strikes. One, coming in. Two, sitting down. And three, I don’t like your attitude.

 There you go, quesadilla, salad, there’s your pizza, and thanks to Sheldon’s heated discussion with my manager one barbecue bacon cheeseburger, barbecue sauce, bacon and cheese on the side.

 Another night? Well, I guess you can try, but deep inside your heart you’ll know that laundry night is always Saturday night.

 Sheldon (knock, knock, knock) Sheldon (knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.

 Yes, I left them in the washers and when I went down to get them, they were gone.

 Look, wait, Sheldon, this has gotten out of hand, okay? I’ve done some stupid things, you’ve done some stupid things, how about we just call it even and move on with our lives?

 Hello. Oh, hi. Yeah, hold on a second. I’ll get him. Sheldon, it’s for you.

 Can I sit wherever I want? No, no, never mind, never mind, that’s, that’s not important. Sheldon, this was big of you. Thank you. I really appreciate it.

 Noticed the eye patch, did you? It’s all part of a technique I’ve been studying for picking up women. You employ a visual display designed to make yourself distinctive and memorable.

 Hello. Hey, Howard. What’s wrong? Okay. Okay, we’ll be right there.

 Howard’s at the Mars Rover lab. He says he’s in trouble. Defcon 5.

 Are you joking? Star Trek V is the standard against which all badness is measured.

 No, there were three other guys with eye patches, iIt was a fiasco. What did work was, “How’d you like to visit a secret government facility?”

 I need you and Raj to help me get the Rover out of the ditch, and I need you to get Stephanie out before somebody notices she’s here. She doesn’t exactly have clearance.

 Actually, I was just checking my e-mail. But, uh, no, the Rover is not responding.

 You could try calling Triple-A, but based on NASA’s latest timetable, they won’t get there for 35 years.

 Erase all the hard drives, scrap the surveillance tapes, wipe our fingerprints off every surface and run.

 The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial?

 It’s just her facebook page and we’ve only been going out a couple of weeks.

 Okay, I’m going to make this very simple for you. You are not in this relationship, I am. Ergo, you have no say in anything that happens between me and Stephanie.

 Oh, okay, all right, you know what? I’ll tell you what happened. We were young, we were very much in love, but we could only communicate through a time-traveling mailbox at my lake house.

 Based on the geometric progression, his relationship with Stephanie should have ended after 20 minutes.

 I’ll tell you what you shouldn’t do. Don’t spritz him with that body spray from the commercial where the women undress when they smell it, that doesn’t work at all, no matter how much you put on.

 Leonard, you’re going to have to let this go. You had a little cheese dip, you farted, I thought it was cute.

 Are you insane? Now she’s going to think I’m desperate. You’ve destroyed this relationship! And you want to know what the worst part is? You don’t even understand what you did wrong because you can’t conceive of something that you are not an expert in!

 Maybe it’s a lingering bacterial infection from all those childhood toilet swirlies.

 Do you understand that Stephanie’s not here to treat your imaginary ailments?

 Wait, I only initialed it because I never thought it would happen! I initialed another clause naming you my sidekick in case I get superpowers.

 She’s heard about you because we’re, you know, involved and you haven’t heard about her because… I never slept with her, I swear!

 Look, I’m just saying, um, Penny is one of our many neighbours, you know, and in our building, neighbours come and go, it’s very casual, no dress code. In fact, some mornings I’ll just mosey down to the third floor in my pyjamas and have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.

 A cardiac stress test, a full body MRI, an electromyogram, a CBC, baseline glucose, upper GI?

 You were right. Your larynx is terribly inflamed. I mean, I’ve never seen anything like it.

 Gather round, kids, it’s time for Sheldon’s beloved Christmas special.

 Okay, well, thank you for that, but I got you and Leonard a few silly neighbour gifts, so I’ll just put them under my tree.

 Now, honey, it’s okay.You don’t have to get me anything in return.

 See ya. ‘Bye, Penny. Have fun. (Bangs head on door. Sheldon opens it.)

 Sheldon, if you don’t like this stuff, let’s just go next door and build her a bear.

 Come on, bath stuff, it’s perfect! You got a scented candle, a cleansing buff, spearmint and green tea scented bath oil, promotes relaxation.

 Yeah, he came into the restaurant. Sorry the napkin’s dirty. He wiped his mouth with it.

 Featuring one articulated razor-sharp killing saw, one polycarbonate grinding and flipping wheel, steel armour plate exoskeleton top and bottom, and enough horsepower to drive a 110 pounds of mechanized death from zero to holy crap in 4.8 seconds.

 Okay. Ooh, perhaps today is the day we finally find out what’s inside the Magic Eight Ball.

 Look, normally I can just ignore you. I mean, I get it, you’re a little peculiar. You know, like Sheldon.

 Tell you what, forget the S.C.aw.F.L.aw.aw.I., let’s settle this woboto a woboto.

 There’s no guawantee we’ve gotta go against each other in the Wound Wobin, so let’s thwow down. You know, unless you’re afwaid.

 Oh, please, we’ve spent our whole lives running away from fights. Personally, I can squeeze through a hole in a fence half my size.

 Sheldon, did we all not just watch the same video? Kripke’s robot just had angry sex with a mid-sized automobile.

 But, Sheldon, we don’t have a chance. The only improvement you were able to make on the robot was to put fresh batteries in the remote.

 Are you cwazy? This is a stweet fight, the stweet has no rules.

 I will, however, give you the opportunity to concede my supewiowity now and offer me your wobot as the spoils of war.

 Well, so much for making up for the emotional wounds of childhood.

 Oh, no. A little electrical tape, some solder. Are you insane? I’ve seen space probes that crashed into the desert that were in better shape than this.

 Sheldon, honey, aren’t you getting a little carried away? I mean, it’s just a toy robot.

 Mmm, gentlemen, I put it to you, the worst tapioca pudding is better than the best pudding of any other flavour.

 Good luck getting time on it. The only people he lets use it are his friends.

 Yes. Well, that is a good question. But is this really the best way to figure it out?

 Okay, question 1. Rank the following aspects of Sheldon Cooper in order of appeal. Intelligence. Ruthless attention to hygiene. Playfulness. Java applet writing?

 Sheldon honey, did you ever consider making friends by being, I don’t know, pleasant?

 Come on! There’s over 200 questions. And look at some of these things. Sheldon is to camaraderie, as the space shuttle is to blank?

 What I’m trying to say is that, maybe you can’t approach this as a purely intellectual exercise.

 Well, remember when you tried to learn how to swim using the internet?

 No! no, my point is, if you want to learn how to make friends, then just go out to a coffee shop or a museum. Meet people. Talk to them. Take an interest in their lives.

 Okay, if you’re gonna start sniffing people, I’m gonna go get a hot pretzel.

 Hear him out. If he’s really on to something, we can open a booth at Comic-Con, make a fortune.

 Come on, they have birthday parties here. Wittle kids climb this.

 Okay. You know what? I see where this is going. I’m not one of you guys. I’m not a scientist. So just…

 No, that’s wong. There’s an official schedule. I have no contwol over it.

 We’ve got to be missing something. Let’s start again. The movie is playing here at 7:20, here at 7:40, here at 8:10 and here at 8:45.

 Why? They’re state-of-the-art digital projection, 20-channel surround sound.

 Sheldon, would you be prepared, on a non-precedential basis, to create an emergency ad-hoc Slurpie-Icee equivalency?

 Just do it! (Penny runs in. Sheldon shuts door. Penny opens door again) Get inside and shut the door.

 The building manager’s showing an apartment downstairs, and I haven’t paid my rent.

 It’s no big deal. I’m just a little behind on my bills because they cut back my hours at the restaurant and my car broke down.

 Well the “check engine” light is fine. It’s still blinking away. It’s the stupid engine that stopped working. It cost me like twelve hundred dollars to fix it.

 Okay. Well, thank you. Oh, God, no, I can’t. Sheldon honey, I don’t want things to be weird between us.

 Great. I hope I’m a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory for my whole life.

 Oh, thanks. This must be the beret I ordered. A couple of months ago. It was back-ordered.

 Okay, whatever. It’s not like I’m running up and down the streets just buying myself berets. I bought one, like, a month ago, and it was back-ordered, look, it finally arrived, all right?

 Yes, dinner’s here, and I’m having some. I’m having takeout food.

 You’re damn right it’s okay. I’ve been having leftovers at the restaurant for like four days, and I wanted something different. So sue me.

 Going home, where I won’t be interrogated like a criminal. I forgot my fortune cookie.

 You guys are unbelievable, you play a game to simulate adventure, but when there’s real adventure out there in the real world, you just wimp out.

 Excuse me. When Frodo left the Shire to take the one ring to Mordor, didn’t Samwise, Pippin and Merry go with him?

 Sheldon, here is your money. Thank you very much. It helped a lot.

 Penny’s hooking up with her jerk of an ex-boyfriend and I have indelible ink on my forehead!

 No, I didn’t realize it had been so long. Sure, I guess there’s no other choice but to just go ahead and do it.

 Aren’t there any other options? There’s not a lot of room, it’s gonna be uncomfortable.

  Oh, I don’t know where he would’ve gotten that. Aside from a pro forma consummation of our marriage, his father and I only had intercourse for the purposes of reproduction.

 Yes, we think so. We’ve both done papers on it. Mine from the neuroscientific point of view and his from an anthropological. Mine, of course, was the only one worth reading.

 I hate to tell you, but the only warm memories I have of my childhood are of my Uncle Floyd.

 Sheldon, you don’t give your mother enough credit. She’s warm, she’s loving, she doesn’t glue electrodes to your head to measure your brain waves while potty training.

 You know the rules. You brought your mom to work, you must suffer.

 Oh, the middle stall was occupied. I’ll have to try again later.

 But it’s one o’clock, you were going to show me your laboratory at one o’clock.

 Your scan data will be very elpful to my research. You have a remarkable brain.

 Common complaint among men. Nothing’s ever big enough, except when they get a tumour. Then you never hear the end of it.

 Oh, I’ll send you a link, but its physiology is fairly unimpressive.

 Your unwillingness to accept empirical evidence suggests an attempt at flattery.

 I’m very tempted. I’m just not sure it’s appropriate with my son’s roommate.

 True. I’ve had a similar observation. It’s certainly something I could never do with my husband.

 I see what you’re doing. You’re appealing to the neuroscientific researcher in me.

 I told you my mom has spider veins, I had to take her to the laser clinic.

 No, that shouldn’t be a problem, Venus is up during the day. They’re probably just all staring at the sky.

 How can I calm down? I’m gonna lose my whole shopping cart. That’s three hours of picking out shoes just shot to hell.

 Great, great. Did you walk the whole way? It’s a little chilly.

 Isn’t that terrific? He is such a good friend. You know what the best thing about friends is?

 You know, there’s kind of an obvious solution here. (To Raj) Get up. (Raj does. Howard moves his cushion across to Sheldon’s spot) There. Problem solved. (Raj whispers to him) Nobody cares where you’re going to sit. You’re not crazy.

 Sheldon, I am really, really sorry, but it’s only for a week. Can’t you be a little bit flexible? Yeah, sorry. I didn’t really think that through.

 Penny, Penny, I think I know what to do. Sheldon, I have some bad news.

 I’m afraid so. You know the cashew chicken I get you Monday nights?

 Yeah, well, before they went out of business, I bought 4,000 containers. I keep them in the trunk of my car.

 Okay. Now, we all run out. Sheldon and I will cut to the left behind these trees. Raj, Howard and Leslie flank to the right behind the rocks. Then we’ll all have a great view as Penny runs out and kills everyone else in sight.

 Sheldon, you have two choices. Either you let him put a bigger hard drive in the TiVo, or you delete stuff before we go out of town.

 Well, we had a vote. Three of us voted for airplane, Sheldon voted for train, so we’re taking the train.

 Hey, we’re all going over to the Apple store to make fun of the guys at the Genius Bar. You want to come?

 Well, that does sound much simpler. How long is this going to take?

 Wow. Teasing the guys at the Apple store seems a little redundant now.

 Sheldon, we’ve been on this train 90 seconds, and you’ve already said a thousand words. Just tell us where to sit and shut up.

 It’s not so bad, really. At least these trains have modern plumbing. In India, you squat over a hole in the train and expose your naked buttocks to the chilly air of Rajasthan.

 Maybe John Connor’s aboard and she’s protecting him from an evil Terminator.

 Okay, Sheldon, I’m going to say why and your answer cannot be because I forgot my flash drive.

 Well, there’s nothing you can do about it, so relax, sit back, enjoy the clickety-clack of the steel wheels on the polished rails.

 It’s hot in here. Must be Summer. (Walks towards her, then walks straight past. Returns, makes to talk to her, then turns to two nuns over the other side of the corridor) So, where you gals headed?

 Boy, you take all the fun out of it for me.  But look, Penny’s home. Why don’t we just call her, have her go in the apartment, get your flash drive and e-mail you the paper?

 I see. Well, it seems once again, you’re caught between a rock and a crazy place.

 Just a sec. (Switches back to first line) The theatre is above a bowling alley, so it’s a little noisy, but it might be the only chance I’ll ever get to play Anne Frank. And the director is brilliant. He uses the bowling sounds as, like, Nazi artillery. Okay, great, I’ll see you then. (Switches line again) Hello?

 He’s calling to ask you a favour. You might be confused because he didn’t use the words, Penny, Sheldon, please or favour.

 You mean one of the hopeless geeks? No. Those are crazy people. Howard, be a dear and get me another one of these. Now, him, he’s one of those geeks.

 Hang on. Sheldon, do you have any emotional attachment to this box?

 Okay. Great. Now, can I take one where it looks like we’re making out?

 Too bad. You know the rules of Secret Agent Laser Obstacle Chess. Uh, Leonard died again, Sheldon. You’re up.

 It means nothing to anybody. Come here, let me show you what I’m doing.

 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, look, look! I started a business.

 No, I’m making flower barrettes. See? I call them Penny Blossoms. I made one for myself, then all the girls at work wanted one. Then I showed some to this lady who runs a shop in Old Town. She sells cards and homemade jewellery. She said she wanted to sell them. I said okay, and in one week, I made a $156.

 Sheldon, don’t you get it? If this takes off, I won’t have to be a waitress anymore.

 So, what do you think? I mean, this could be a business, right?

 Sheldon, hold on. Could you maybe show me how to make more money with this?

 Okay, you know what, if I’m not allowed to be snide, you’re not allowed to be condescending.

 All right, fine. How are we supposed to set up machines and conveyor belts in my apartment?

 Terrific, but that kind of raises more questions than it answers.

 You’re kidding. Any of the cyanoacrylates would do a better job.

 What if we infused the bottom layer with silicone-RTV to provide a better mounting surface?

 Well, there are the waitresses at my work, and this cute, little shop in Old Town.

 Actually, I’m thinking about this one stripper named Vega. But sure, calcium sulphate could work.

 Hey, we could liberate some micro-porous charcoal from the chem lab.

 Thank you, Penny Blossoms. These will be perfect to cover my bald spot. Aww, that is so sweet.

 Wait a minute, wait a minute, you want to make a hair barrette with Bluetooth?

 The Fifth Annual East Rutherford, New Jersey, Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Alliance Luau.

 They didn’t quit. They were massacred by, like, a gazillion angry Mexicans.

 Oh, God, we’re never gonna finish in time. Who made Sheldon the boss anyway?

 Come on, but if you don’t stay awake we’ll never finish in time.

 Yeah, no. But, Sheldon, without your insight and leadership this entire enterprise will surely fail.

 Okay, it’s done. Look, guys, for the future, I don’t mind killing the big spiders, but you have to at least try with the little ones.

 Slowly, like putting a new fish in a tank. You don’t just drop it in, you let the bag sit in the water a while.

 Stay calm, we don’t know anything about them yet. What are you doing?

 Oh. all right, that’s cool, no biggie. He said he’d help me set up my printer, but I guess I can wait. What exactly is he doing up there?

 I don’t even know why I care. I don’t care. All right, I cared enough to memorize that stupid joke, but that’s all I care.

 What are you saying, that I’m threatened by Alicia? That I’m like the old queen of the hive and it’s just time for me to go?

 No, no occasion, just felt like getting some Chinese chow for my peeps.

 I cannot believe they’re letting her just use them like that. I mean, anything she wants, they go panting after her like trained dogs. You know that just last week, she had Howard drive all the way to her uncle’s house in Orange County to pick up her TV?

 Apples and oranges here, Sheldon. I’m telling you, that girl is a user, iceskating through the life on her looks, taking advantage of innocent weak-willed men, getting auditions for stupid network shows. It creams my corn.

 I like green lantern, I’m just saying it’s pretty lame that He can be defeated by the colour yellow.

 Yes, but we all agreed that the third Thursday of every month would be Anything Can Happen Thursday.

 Come on, the whole idea behind Anything Can Happen Thursday is to get out of this rut we’ve been in lately.

 You heard that, Ladies’ Night ladies? We’re eventually coming for you!

 You got me. While you’re there, could pick me up a few comics for my nephew’s birthday?

 I don’t need any insights. I just want to know why Penny’s more interested in Stuart than me. We’re practically the same guy.

 You’re right, I really should be asking strangers on the Internet.

 It’s Friday night, that means Chinese food and vintage video games, right?

 Oh, you think coffee, means coffee, that is so sweet. Come on, I think I have decaf.

 Of course it is. It’s a little wrong to say a tomato is a vegetable, it’s very wrong to say it’s a suspension bridge. But returning to the original issue, Dick Grayson became Nightwing, a superhero in his own right. Batman 2 has to be the second Robin, Jason Todd.

 I’m sorry, but you’re obviously stuck in a pre-Zero Hour DC universe.

 Okay, you can throw all the French around you want, it doesn’t make you right.

 Plus, you’re forgetting that the Infinite Crisis storyline restored Joe Chill to the Batman mythology.

 Leslie Winkle. You’ve reached friends with benefits. For a booty call, press one now.

 No. Look, imagine you maintained a friendship with someone you had sex with, but you were free to date whoever you wanted.

 I don’t know. She just said Howard, momma’s a rolling stone. And then her call waiting beeped and she was gone.

 So, how did the beautiful mind of Sheldon Cooper forget his key in the first place.

 Well, I went in there a few weeks ago when you guys weren’t home, and I forgot it there.

 It’s not a big deal, I was making coffee and I ran out of milk.

 Alright, Sheldon, let’s just calm down and we’ll call the building manager, he’ll come open your door, you just eat your dinner here while you’re waiting.

 Are you trying to make small talk? Oh, sweetie, you really don’t have to.

 Well, uh, they shifted my schedule around at the restaurant so my hours are going to be a little different…

 Well, it wasn’t the first suggestion that came to mind, but it’s the one I’m going with.

 Oh, alright. I will give you my bed on one condition. That you promise to zip your hole for the next eight hours.

 Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.

 He’s right. This is an important achievement, for two reasons. Number one, and, of course, number two.

 Here, Sheldon, I pulled the new Hellboy for you. It’s mind-blowing.

 He wants to talk about Penny. I don’t want to talk about Penny.

 Yeah, see, that’s the code red. It’s kind of like a jack-in-the-box, no one knows exactly when, but at some point something way worse than a puppet is gonna pop out of that box.

 Of course you feel terrible. You completely screwed up your karma, dude.

 Okay, look. Instead of trying to reinforce this structure here, what if we just ran another line, bypass it entirely?

 Okay, here’s an idea. What if I change my name and go live with my cousin and her husband Avi in Israel?

 Hang on, I think I’ve got this. Help me see if we can wedge this little piece of PVC behind the support rod.

 Hold on, you can go to the comic book store when man can once again safely poop in space.

 Damn right it’s heavy, it’s my mother’s meat loaf, it’s been testing toilets for generations.

 Okay, simulated zero-gravity human waste disposal test with meat loaf analog in three, two, one. (Switches flush. Meatloaf hits ceiling.)

 Well, they’ve deployed our solution. Let’s just all hope it works.

 Yes, how did we live before Twitter? I guess you’ll find out what it is in the morning.

 You went to President Seibert’s house in the middle of the night?

 You could have waited until morning. I know, look who I’m talking to.

 Sheldon, what are the words I can say right now to end this conversation and let me go back to sleep?

 Well, I’m a Hindu. My religion teaches that if we suffer in this life we are rewarded in the next. Three months at the North Pole with Sheldon and I’m reborn as a well-hung billionaire with wings!

 Now, honey, I already told you, the hamburger meat is fresh and stored at a safe temperature.

 Oh, hey, no, you don’t have to apologize. There’s no reason you have to tell me. I was just, you know, surprised.

 I mean, I know she’s not my girlfriend or anything, but wouldn’t you think she’d feel a little bad that I’m going to be gone for the whole summer?

 I can’t press any of the buttons with my gloves. Oh, son of a bitch!

 Hang on, I know I don’t possess the tools of leadership, but I don’t understand why we can’t assemble the equipment inside the hut and then take it outside.

 Not exactly. But she said she was gonna miss me and she gave me this.

 Yes, okay, but I’m gonna be gone for three months. What if she doesn’t miss me that long and she meets someone else?

 It was like a snowy nightmare from which there was no awakening.

 Yeah, we’ll keep that in mind, look, we need to talk to you about something that happened at the North Pole.

 That’s why I added the tator. And then when we found our first positive data, you were so happy.

 It was the only way to keep you from being such a huge Dickensian. You see that? I added the ensian.

 Me, neither. Except for one night when the heat went out. Long story, it’s… don’t ask.

 Because when he wasn’t happy, we wanted to kill him. There was even a plan. We were going to throw his Kindle outside, and when he went to get it, lock the door and let him freeze to death.

 No, the overreaction was the plan to tie your limbs to four different sled dog teams and yell mush. Look, we kept the original data. You can still publish the actual results.

 Aw, see, yeah, you probably shouldn’t have done that. So write another e-mail, set the record straight, it’s no big deal.

 Well, no, but when I was a senior in high school, one of my friends heard I was going to be named head cheerleader. Oh, I was so excited. My mom even made me a celebration pie. Then they named stupid Valerie Mossbacher head cheerleader. Big ol’ slutbag.

 Look, Sheldon, I just don’t think that the guys and Leonard really meant to hurt you. You know? They just told an unfortunate lie to deal with a difficult situation. Okay, you know what it’s like? Remember that scene in the new Star Trek movie when Kirk has to take over the ship, so he tells Spock all that stuff he knew wasn’t true, like saying Spock didn’t care his mom died?

 Hey, Cooper. Wead your wetwaction e-mail. Way to destroy your weputation.

 That’s not twue. People have been pointing and waughing at you your whole wife.

 Yeah, but wesearch into Dark Energy pwoved that Einstein’s cosmowogical constant was actually wight all along, so you’re still, surpwise, surpwise, a woser.

 Hold your horses, young man. Here in Texas, we pray before we eat.

 This is not California, land of the heathen. Gimme. By His hand we are all…

 Oh, I know how to take care of my baby. His eyes came out a little thin, but you can just pretend he’s Chinese. So, do you want to talk about what happened with you and your little friends?

 All right. If you recall, when you were little, we sat right here at this very spot and we talked about some of the problems you had getting along with the neighbour kids.

 You watch your mouth, Shelly. Everyone’s entitled to their opinion.

 Okay, who had Leonard flames out with Penny in less than 24 hours”?

 What’s there to learn? You get naked, do nasty things to each other, then somebody makes scrambled eggs and salami. Easy peasy.

 That’s because in your dreams you’re a horse from the waist down.

 Oh, give me a frickin’ break. How could you possibly know that?

 Okay, you were right about Wolverine and bone claws, but you’re wrong about the cricket.

 Okay, okay, tell you what. I am willing to bet anything that’s an ordinary field cricket.

 Okay, I believe a chicken made you his bitch. But the cricket thing, I don’t buy. Bet me.

 I will put up my Fantastic Four number 48, first appearance of Silver Surfer against your Flash 123, the classic Flash of two worlds issue.

 Don’t push me, Sheldon. I may be small, but I took kung fu when I was 13, and I remember a good deal of it.

 Ugh, Toby, what did you do in a past life to be so disgusting now?

 All right, Sheldon, here we go, Kleingast’s Field Guide to North American Insects. Hey, Toby. Right here, see it? The common field cricket, aka Gryllus assimilis, which is Latin for suck it, you lose.

 All right. Tell you what, let’s go down to the Entomology Department and let Professor

 Don’t knock. Just walk in. Why be polite to the world’s leading expert on the dung beetle?

 I’m from New Delhi. Maybe you should find another entomologist.

 Young man, I’ve been studying insects since I was eight years old. You know what they used to call me in school? Creepy Crawley.

 Let me show you something. See that? That’s a Crawley’s dung beetle. I discovered it after spending six months slogging through a Bornean rain forest, while my wife was back home shacking up with a two-bit ornithologist who lives on a sailboat and likes to wear boot-cut jeans! So, when I tell you that that’s a common field cricket, you can take that to the damn bank! Cause God knows I can’t. That tramp took me for everything!

 What, do they have Wii cricket now? That can’t be very popular.

 Well, if it makes you feel any better, I’m not feeling so hot either.

 I don’t know, empathy? Anyway, I’m just saying that you’re feeling upset about something with Howard, and I’m upset about something with Leonard.

 Yes, well, I want a boyfriend whose roommate isn’t a giant pain in the ass.

 Sheldon, you really need to find a better way of dealing with Penny.

 I’m just saying, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

 They’re called tattoo sleeves. Look. I bought them online, Raj got a set, too. Fantastic, right? Put them on, have hot sex with some freaky girl with her business pierced, take them off, and I can still be buried in a Jewish cemetery.

 They’re gonna get beaten up at Walgreens. Oh, sorry, Sheldon, I almost sat in your spot.

 Anime. You know, I knew a girl in high school named Anna May. Anna May Fletcher. She was born with one nostril. Then she had this bad nose job and basically wound up with three.

 Yes, you’re using chocolates as positive reinforcement for what you consider correct behaviour.

 No, I don’t want any chocolate! Sheldon, you can’t train my girlfriend like a lab rat.

 I’m not. And Penny’s qualities, both good and bad, are what make her who she is.

 Ugh, fine. But the man really needs to work on his girl issues.

 You know, checking e-mail, updating my facebook status, messing up wikipedia entries. Hey, did you know Netflix lets you stream movies on your computer now?

 Yeah let me start practicing for it. Do you want fries with that Maharaja Mac?”

 Do not tell me about my own culture, Sheldon! In the mood I’m in, I’ll take you out, I swear to cow!

 Excuse me, Sheldon, how many reels before the subordinate male protagonist gets to his point?

 Okay, uh, please don’t take this the wrong way, but I’d rather swim buck-naked across the Ganges with a paper cut on my nipple and die a slow, agonizing death from a viral infection than work with you.

 Yes, for you. I do, however, have a few conditions. First, at all times, I am to be treated as a colleague and an equal. Second, my contributions shall be noted in all published material. And third, you are never allowed to lecture me on Hinduism or my Indian culture.

 Ooh, dark matter. We better bring a flashlight. I was making a joke.

 No, no, no, no! That rate is much too low for what we’d expect from this collision. Do you understand that we’re talking about dark matter colliding in outer space?

 Okay, well, let me just tell you, if we were having this argument in my native language, I’d be kicking your butt.

 My god, you think that every thought that comes out of your head is pure gold. Well, let me tell you something. Some of those thoughts are pure caca.

 Okay. Here’s where we derive the mass of the dark matter particle.

 Saturday night at the comic book store, they’re having a Mystic Warlords of Ka-ah tournament. First prize is five hundred dollars. If we team up, we’d be unstoppable.

 Hey, Sheldon, the new Green Lantern figurine’s coming in tomorrow. Want me to set one aside for you?

 Oh, I’m sorry, did I rob you of the opportunity to stumble onto that for yourself?

 Oh, what a coincidence. Maybe you can discuss that with him while you’re playing in the tournament. Sign here.

 Sorry, boys. Say hi to your mother when she picks you up. Or I could just tell her later tonight! We pwned them, dude! Up top!

 You know you keep quoting Wrath of Khan, but he was in next generation. It’s a totally different set of characters.

 Well, if Wil Wheaton and Stuart win their match and we beat lonely Larry and Captain Sweatpants in the next round, we’ll face off for the championship.

 You went to the ’95 Dixie-Trek? Oh, dude, my grandmother had just died, and I had to go to her funeral.

 It’s special relationship, isn’t it, between a boy and his grandmother?

 What are you waiting for? Kill Wil Wheaton! From hell’s heart, stab at him!

 I call my mee-maw nana. And she’s going be very happy to hear that my small rock kills your enchanted bunny. Game over, moon pie.

 Leonard just realized that Penny’s been hiding him from her friends because he’s a tiny, little man who flies kites.

 Wait, what are you doing? I can’t scissors by myself! Howard! Come back!

 So, Penny doesn’t want me around her friends, I embarrass her. What else could it be?

 With a woman you were chasing through a park? That’s not a shot, that’s a felony. What’s worse, it cost me my prized Patang fighting kite. Sheldon, I don’t suppose there’s any chance you could give me my kite back?

 Football. I’m going to Penny’s on Saturday to watch a game with her friends and I don’t want to look like an idiot. I want to blend in.

 Come on, Sheldon, please teach me about football. It’ll be fun.

 I’s the smallest size they had, except the one for dogs. I can’t believe they had one for dogs.

 I don’t want to fly kites, Sheldon. We’re watching football here.

 All right, five. One, two, three, four, five. Oh, wow, look at that, my Department of Defence research grant is renewed.

 Yeah, my friend from Omaha, plays the guitar. Anyway, he’s coming to L.A. looking for some session work, so I told him he could just crash on my couch for a few weeks.

 Okay, not to be pedantic, but the last I checked went out was in fact the past tense of going out, which I think we all know is a popular euphemism for saw each other naked.

 I’m not talking to you like you’re an idiot! I’m saying the whole idea is idiotic!

 How is that not talking to me like I’m an idiot? It’s my friend, it’s my couch, and it’s my freakin’ life!

 I heard of ’em. Didn’t know they were a band. Sheldon, she’s gone. You can turn off the blender.

 I don’t get how she can just announce that an old boyfriend is going to be sleeping on her couch.

 An old boyfriend who’s definitely not gay. That’s what a guy likes to hear, definitely.

 And then I say one little thing and I end up being the bad guy!

 What am I supposed to say? Sure, Penny, I’m cool with your old boyfriend sleeping in your apartment. Well, Leonard, it doesn’t matter if you’re cool or not because I’m Penny and I’m pretty and I can do whatever the hell I want! Oh, I get it! You think you’re doing me a favour just by being in a relationship with me! No, no, Leonard! I’m doing you a favour just by being in the same room as you!

 Oh, dude, I wish you had said something before I pounded that last Red Bull.

 Oh, thank you very much. Come back soon. With the other half of my tip. Hey, Sheldon, what are you doing here?

 Okay, fine, it’s soup and a small sandwich. Is that what you want?

 I am not going to apologize. I’ve done nothing wrong. He is completely overreacting.

 I’m coming. Goodbye, Sheldon. What do you mean, transgressions I’ve committed?

 Like what? Yeah, yeah, I see you, you’re making a little cheque sign in the air, I got it, just hold your horses. What does Leonard complain about?

 Okay, if Leonard has so many problems with me, why hasn’t he just said so?

 Oh, really? Well, then, do me a favour and tell Leonard that he can drop dead!

 It’s a little hard to explain. He does this thing where he pretends he’s in an alternate dimension that occupies the same physical space we’re in, but he can’t perceive us.

 You know, how about we buy you this robot, and then we all go home?

 Yeah, okay, whatever. Will you just turn the water off and help me up?

 No, no, no, I can’t wait that long, you got to help me, please.

 It’s not going to explode, just keep driving. Warp speed ahead, Mr. Spock.

 Oh, my god, what the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder?

 Hey, Sheldon, Sheldon, look, I am scared and in a lot of pain. Could you please just take a break from being you for just a minute and try being, I don’t know, comforting?

 Wait. You have to help me get into bed. Sheldon has to get me into bed. Bet you never thought I’d say that.

 You know, people think you’re this weird robot man who’s so annoying all the time, and you totally are, but then it’s like that movie Wall-E at the end. You’re so full of love, and you can save a plant and get fat people out of the floaty chairs.

 The cultural paradigm in which people have sex after three dates.

 Hey, Cooper, I hear you’re going to be on the wadio with Ira Fwatow from Science Fwiday next week.

 But my pweasure is. Let me ask you a question, at what point did National Public Wadio have to start scwaping the bottom of the bawwel for its guests? Eh, don’t answer, it’s wetowical.

 Excuse me, I have a master’s degree in engineering from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. It required the completion of 144 units of grad work and an original thesis.

 Now, let’s talk about magnetic monopoles. Can you explain to our audience just what a monopole is?

 No, I hear you fine. As I was saying, an ordinary magnet has two poles. The primary characteristic of a monopole is that it has only one pole, hence, monopole.

 I fell on the floor. All right, he got you, you can get him back.

 That’s true. He didn’t just stay there and talk about his feelings with the other psychotic villains. He, he broke out and poisoned Gotham’s water supply.

 Okay, uh, that’s the spirit, but, um, let’s dial it back to a non-lethal form of vengeance.

 This is brilliant, Sheldon. How are we going to deploy it in Kripke’s office?

 I gotta say, I am really impressed. This is truly the Sheldon Cooper way to get even. (Sits down. There is a flatulent noise)

 Hey, Leonard, check this out. (Throws some food in the air and catches it in her mouth)

 What’s up, my nerdizzles? Raj, Sheldon, I want you to meet my girlfriend Bernadette.

 Oh, come on, it’s fine. We’ll just put it all on the table, you know, family style.

 Oh no, no, you see, in the winter, that seat is close enough to the radiator so that he’s warm, yet not so close that he sweats. In the summer, it’s directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that isn’t direct, so he can still talk to everybody, yet not so wide that the picture looks distorted.

 Oh, yeah, show me. In microbiology, the most exciting thing I get to work with is yeast.

 And a cow and a penguin. Face it dude, whether it’s a real car or a virtual cartoon car, you can’t drive.

 Thanks, Raj. Okay, so here’s the thing, I was wondering if you could maybe teach me a little physics?

 Yeah, okay, cool. I don’t need the PBS special, I just want to know enough so I can talk to Leonard about his job. You know, like Bernadette does.

 Yeah, actually, it was pretty cool. A lot of the girls threw up, but I gutted that thing like a deer.

 Oh, come on! A smart guy like you, it’ll be a challenge. You can make it like an experiment.

 Uh, we know that… Newton was a really smart cookie. Oh! Is that where Fig Newtons come from?

 Oh, God, Sheldon, look I’m trying to understand, but you’re going too fast. Can you just back up a little bit?

 Okay, look, can we just please forget about all this extra stuff and can you just tell me what Leonard does?

 Okay, I just have one question. What exactly are sub-atomic particles?

 Oh, I always tear up when the Grinch’s heart grows three sizes.

 No, it’s fine. Look, Sir Isaac can go right next to this little candy cane.

 It was so nice of you to come all the way down to the airport to pick me up.

 Yes, dear. Mommy’s proud. I’ve been meaning to thank you for your notes on my paper disproving quantum brain dynamic theory.

 Well, I would assume it’s because Sheldon and I stay in touch due to mutual interest and respect, while you avoid me, due to unresolved childhood issues.

 Why? I’m not marrying her. So, how about you? Are you seeing anyone interesting?

 It’s all right, Sheldon. I will just pretend that Leonard’s not withholding information. Although, I will point out, Leonard, that I am a trained psychiatrist and you are exhibiting the same secretive behavioural tics that accompanied your learning to masturbate.

 Mmm, well, let’s see. Sheldon, when did I leave Leonard’s father?

 Please, I am very hungover and in no mood to satisfy your need for approval. Sheldon, I do hope you’ll forgive me for my inappropriate behaviour last night.

 Dude, there’s so many cool things we could be doing tonight. Look. At the Glendale Galleria, put on your best zoot suit, it’s a salute to Swing music in the center court near Macy’s. 5pm to 9pm, huh, huh? A salute to zoot. Sounds like a hoot.

 Oh. I always thought that was some sort of after-Christmas sale. Well, then why don’t we just go to the galleria and walk around?

 Okay, well, how about this? From the university Web site, 7pm to 10pm, Norton Hall Multipurpose Room, mixer for grad students and faculty of the science and humanities departments. Whether you split atoms or infinitives, this is the place to be.

 Come on, Sheldon, the world is filled with people doing things outside. Let’s go outside. Outside is good.

 I don’t know, it’s a marketing scheme. Please, Sheldon, I’m a young, virile visitor from a foreign land and I need to strut my stuff.

 Sheldon, I’m begging you. I want to go to this mixer, and I don’t want to go alone.

 Yeah, well I do. And when my wingman is carrying a Green Lantern lantern, I drink a lot. I’ll have a screwdriver, please. Don’t be chintzy with the screw.

 जो भी तुम्हारे नाव मंगाई. That’s Hindi for whatever floats your boat. Uh, listen, I got a text from that girl Abby, and she and her friend Martha want to hang out with us again. What do you say?

 Please, Sheldon, I’m a lost Indian boy far from home, and I want a girlfriend and I want her to be Abby, and she’ll only come over if she can bring Martha.

 Flatland is more than just a mathematical essay. It is also a treatise on Victorian social mores.

 Listen, they’re kind of getting busy in the living room, and I was wondering if I could hang out in here for a while.

 No, I’m not jealous. All right, I’d kill a hobo if it’ll get me laid. Now, can we order?

 We’re done here. Call this number, and we’ll fax you a copy of the report so you can submit it to your insurance company.

 Look, Sheldon, sweetie, I know you’re feeling insecure, but we’ve really got to go to sleep.

 Don’t worry, there’s no one out here. (Sound of woman screaming. Sheldon nods, and turns off TV. Walks down to Leonard’s room.)

 All right, we’ve got a titanium dead bolt and a reinforced jamb controlled by a state-of-the-art electronic access system.

 Don’t worry, the net’s going to be electrified. Picture her on the floor, spasming uncontrollably.

 Don’t you think looking for a new city to live in is a bit of an overreaction?

 Come on, Sheldon, you can’t move. Don’t you need to stay in one place so the mother ship can find you when it returns?

 Oh, no, he’s going to telecommute. Everybody’s really excited about it.

 Oh, come on. So you were the victim of a crime. That’s part of life. When my great-grandfather first came to this country, he put all his hopes and dreams into this little butcher shop he ran on the Lower East Side of New York. You know what happened? Every customer who walked into that butcher shop and asked for a pound of liver, got ripped off. But, those people moved on, and so should you.

 Sheldon, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m going to miss you.

 Interesting. I usually just have coffee. You’ve been up all night?

 Mmm, he’s either isolating the terms of his formula and examining them individually, or looking for the alligator that swallowed his hand after Peter Pan cut it off.

 No, it’s okay. I don’t have to go. I’m happy just to guide you and your ladies to suitable entertainment choices. I’m a walking brown Yelp.com.

 Okay, just to be clear, roller skating was my idea, and I’m very unhappy that you turned it into a double date, and I hope you both fall on your asses and break your coccyxes.

 Okay, Sheldon. What happens to our neuroreceptors when we don’t get enough REM sleep?

 If you don’t come out of there, I’m going to have to drag you out.

 And you had to barge in here and wake us up in the middle of the night?

 Why, thank you for noticing. I’m Menial Employee of the Month. Do you have a particular field in mind?

 No, no. This is putting up sheetrock at a housing project in Rosemead.

 Of course you don’t. Mr. Cooper, let me just ask you a question. What was your last job?

 You just, you just walked in and they hired you, just like that?

 Sheldon, wait, this isn’t even what I do. I’m a waitress, not a busboy.

 Sheldon, where are you going? Aren’t you going to clean this up?

 Dude, I’m glad you finally got a girlfriend, but do you have to do all that lovey-dovey stuff in front of those of us who don’t?

 Yeah, I am pulling out all the stops. There’s a $39.95 lover’s special at P.F. Chang’s. Egg rolls, dumplings, bottomless wok, and you get your picture taken on the big marble horse out front.

 Guess who the university is sending to Switzerland to attend a conference and see the CERN supercollider on February 14?

 Yes, but it’ll be Valentine’s Day. We can go sightseeing and skiing and make love in front of a roaring fire in the shadow of the snowcapped Alps.

 Yeah, well, I’ve been dreaming about spending Valentine’s Day with a girl since I was six.

 Yeah. We also put in what happens if one of us wins a MacArthur Grant, or if one of us gets superpowers, or if one of us is bitten by a zombie.

 Is there anything in there about if one of you gets a girlfriend?

 Look, Sheldon, I know it’s in the agreement, and if you turn into a zombie, I promise I will not kill you. In fact, I’ll even let you eat my brains. But I am taking Penny to Switzerland.

 Got a bit of traffic this morning, huh? Think it’s gonna rain? Instead of underpants, I covered my crotch with potato salad this morning. Thoughts? Okay, I know what’ll cheer you up, let’s play one of your driving games.

 Come on, Sheldon. Can’t you at least try to understand how much this means to me?

 Well, I always figured it was to study us, discover our weaknesses, and report back to your alien overlords.

 Sheldon, this is Leonard’s decision. He invited me to Switzerland, and I intend to go.

 She told me that you went behind my back to guilt her into letting you go instead of her.

 Well, forget it. I was the one who was invited, I get to decide who goes with me, and it’s Penny, not you!

 I don’t need to see your presentation. This discussion is over!

 Sheldon, at this point, I would go by myself before I would take you.

 Hey, Sheldon? Listen, Penny is pretty sick and she’s not going to be able to go to Switzerland. So if you’re still interested, you’re welcome to come. (Sound of Sheldon vomiting in the bathroom)

 Well, you might want to mark your Google calendars. Stan Lee is coming to do a signing on Thursday.

 No, just a regular comic signing. My uncle is his dermatologist and Stan’s doing him a favour.

 I can’t decide whether I want Stan Lee to autograph my Journey into Mystery 83, first appearance of Thor or my Fantastic Four number five, first appearance of Dr. Doom. (Raj presses his iPod. The theme from Jeopardy plays.) Alex, I’m going to go with what is… you’re a dumbass? (Presses again, his shirt blows a raspberry.)

 That’s a great idea, I’m going to get him to sign a Batman as well.

 He does. And in the kitchen. And in the car. And in his pocket.

 Sheldon, why do you have all these unopened paychecks in your desk?

 But there must be thousands of dollars here. Why don’t you put it in the bank?

 Looks like you ran a red light on Marengo Avenue at 9:30 p.m. on November 16. They got you on a traffic camera. Nice picture.

 Okay, look, they sent me the ticket. I told them I wasn’t driving and they were all, if it wasn’t you, who was it?

 No! It wasn’t a betrayal. It was more of a can’t afford any more points on my license. I already have to buy my insurance from this place in the Cayman Islands.

 It’s not that big a deal. You just go down to the court on Thursday and you pay the fine.

 You are guilty. (Raj’s shirt plays the gavel sound from Law & Order) That one I liked.

 Sheldon, I’m sorry. I’ll be happy to reimburse you for the fine. You know, as soon as I get a part in a movie or my own TV series.

 Wow. Uh, Stan Lee, or you in court? Uh, if this was Sophie’s Choice it would’ve been a much shorter movie. No.

 Darn tootin’, I do, if the court will excuse my homespun, corn-fed Nebraskan turn of phrase.

 The reason that date is, like, so totally fixed in my memory is that I had the privilege to be witness to one of the most heroic acts I’ve ever seen in, like, ever.

 Why, you did, sir. You. Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and may I add, it is a privilege to know you.

 But it is a fact that it’s a privilege to know you. Totally. A teardrop rolls down my cheek?

 The court would advise you to make it quick, as the court had a dicey-looking breakfast burrito this morning and just took an Imodium.

 Dr. Cooper, before I find you in contempt and throw you in jail, I’m going to give you a chance to apologize for that last remark.

 I’m going to write you a cheque for that. As long as you promise to put it in your drawer and never cash it, like the others.

 You’re right, so it would be cruel to mention that after he finished signing autographs, Stan Lee took Stuart and us out for gelato.

 I see. And you thought you’d just come over to my house uninvited?

 You know, you fan boys are unbelievable. Do you think you can just ring my doorbell any time you want? I mean, why don’t you just come on in and watch the Lakers game with me?

 Eddie Crispo. Anyway, he said this isn’t a replica. It’s the real deal.

 All the wealthy and beautiful people in movies ride Jet Skis. That can’t just be a coincidence.

 Look, let’s be reasonable. We all want to do different things with the ring, but your ideas are stupid, and I want a jet ski.

 You know what? I am ending this. Penny didn’t want to hold the ring anymore. She gave it to me, I have it. I’m sending it back. Where’s the ring?

 If you’re offended, let go of the ring and go on home to your mother’s boobies.

 Think about this. The only way your mother was born was your Meemaw had sex.

 All right. I’ll bet your Meemaw didn’t just have sex to have your mother. I bet she had sex because she liked it.

 My point is, if I were a horse or a bird, I’d be very nervous around James Cameron.

 Hey, Sheldon, I was up in the administration office, and I happened to overhear the name of the winner of this year’s Chancellor’s Award for Science.

 Yeah, before the movie, you did 20 minutes on why guacamole turns brown. It turned brown while you were talking.

 Sheldon, congratulations. Brought you cheesecake from work. You know, ’cause of your award, not because a busboy sneezed on it.

 That’s no reason to back out. You know, I once got a pretty big honour in high school, and I was terrified about appearing in front of a big crowd, but I went through with it, and you know what? The world looked pretty darn good sitting on a haystack in the back of a Ford F-150 as a member of the Corn Queen’s court.

 I just love how you always skip over the part where no one asks.

 We can help you. We can be your team. Like, uh, Professor Xavier and his X-Men.

 Okay. Well, I am going to take you shopping, get you a nice suit. Might give you more confidence.

 I thought I could try to analyze you and get to the root of your anxiety.

 Raj says he can teach you, what did you call it? I don’t know, some Indian meditation crap.

 My power is the ability to pretend like I give a damn about your piddly-ass problems. And that’s 24-7, buddy.

 Okay, Sheldon. I’m going to be leading you through a series of meditation exercises. These methods come from the ancient gurus of India and have helped me overcome my own fears.

 True, but thanks to meditation, I am able to stay in the same room with them without urinating. Now, close your eyes.

 All right. Imagine yourself in the one place you feel most at home. Where is that?

 All right. You’ve paid for a sweater, and you’re in Sheldon Square.

 It’ll give you confidence. You know, sometimes when I’m feeling all stressed out about something, I go out and buy a cute top or a fun skirt and I have a whole new outlook on life.

 Yeah, that’s when I buy shoes. Now, let’s see what we’ve got. Ooh! This is nice.

 Why don’t I just start? Sometimes people have trouble accepting accolades if, on a subconscious level, they don’t feel they deserve them. Do you think maybe that’s what’s happening here?

 But it could be part of your problem. Let me give you an example. When I was eight, I won a ribbon at the science fair for my project, “Do Lima Beans Grow Better to Classical Music.” But my mother pointed out that it was just a rehash of my brother’s earlier “Do Lima Beans Grow Worse to Rock ‘n’ Roll.” I felt so guilty, I gave the ribbon back.

 Terrible. I worked really hard on that project. I stayed up all night singing the clown’s aria from Pagliacci to a lima bean sprout.

 It wasn’t my fault. I had never seen my brother’s project. And my mother could’ve told me before instead of at the ceremony in front of everyone.

 Damn right, I’m angry with my mother. For God’s sake, I was eight years old. She humiliated me. That’s when the bed-wetting started again.

 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, and it is my very great honour to introduce the winner of this year’s Chancellor’s award for Science and my good friend, Dr. Sheldon Cooper. But before I do, I’d like to share with you a letter from Sheldon’s mother, who couldn’t be here tonight. Isn’t that nice? His mother sent him a letter. She’s proud of him. I wonder what that feels like. Dear Shelly. That’s what she calls him. Shelly, it’s a pet name. You know what my mother’s pet name for me is? Leonard. But I digress. Dear Shelly. I am so proud of… (continues as background noise)

 First of all, the projects were totally different. I was showing that classical music nurtures lima beans and makes them grow, but my mother didn’t hear me. If you’d like to look at the relationship between nurturing and growth, I’d like to point out that my brother is eight inches taller than me.

 Oh, right. Ladies and gentlemen, our guest of honour, Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

 Sheldon says impossible. Howard and I say not only possible, but as a mode of transportation, way cooler than a Batmobile.

 Big or small, I don’t like rabbits. They always look like they’re about to say something, but they never do.

 Okay, how about this for a topic, why is Leonard being a giant douche? Assuming giant douches are possible.

 No, no, it’s okay. I mean, let’s face it, you guys would get creamed without me.

 You’re not still carrying a grudge because I beat you at that card tournament, are you?

 It tells me that I am living rent-free right here (pointing at Sheldon’s head). You ready to bowl?

 All right, Sheldon, what part of this is supposed to make me feel better?

 Oh, honey, I don’t know. Things are a little weird with Leonard right now.

 No, no, that’s okay. Just let me talk to him, and I’ll get back to you.

 Okay, I’m sorry, honey, but the Wesley Crushers sounds like a bunch of people who like Wesley Crusher.

 You know, if you want it to mean you’re crushing Wesley, it’d be the “Wesley” Crushers.

 Hey, Sheldon, I just wanted you to know that I’m really looking forward to wiping the floor with you.

 It’s customary for the player on the right-hand lane to bowl first.

 Mmm, mmm. People from opposite sides often have good relationships. You know, Romeo and Juliet, Tony and Maria from West Side Story, what’s-his-name and the big blue chick in Avatar. I’m gonna bowl now.

 Do you think I would really break up a couple just to win a bowling match?

 Okay, here’s the protocol, you and I are still friends, and you stop saying coitus.

 Interesting. I’ll have to have you over for spaghetti some night.

 Yeah, he’s over it, that’s why he’s been whining all day about trying to invent that memory-wiper gizmo from Men in Black.

 So would Ben Affleck. The point is, in a situation like this you got to pick sides. You’re either on Team Leonard or Team Penny.

 Sheldon, I got you your tangerine chicken. I hope you’re hungry.

 I wish you were Aquaman. Then I could send you to scoop my mom out of the old lady tank.

 You might want to stand back. I’m sitting on top of 13 horses here.

 Dude, I’m an astrophysicist. If there were solar flares, I’d be all up in it.

 No, you already threw up once. Go put on your PJs and brush your teeth.

 Why didn’t you tell me you knew Elizabeth Plimpton? I am a huge fan of hers!

 A, are you kidding me? And B, seriously, are you freaking kidding me?

 So you’re saying the two of you are going to be sleeping in the same bed?

 Thank you. Why is a world-renowned scientist staying in our apartment instead of a hotel?

 Wait, wait, hold on, back up. You’re having a woman stay with you?

 Oh, no, no, no, no. I’m not flabbergasted. I’m puzzled. Yeah, let’s go with puzzled.

 Ah, Dr. Cooper, thank goodness. I completely forgot your address. But then I remembered that I’d written it on my hand. Lucky for me, I didn’t confuse it with what I’d written on my other hand, which are the coordinates for a newly discovered neutron star. ‘Cause if I tried to go there, I’d be crushed by hypergravity. Anyway, hello.

 Hi-lo. Oops. I started to say hi, and then I switched to hello in the middle. It came out hi-lo. Duh. Uh, it’s nice to meet you. I’ve read both your books and most of your papers. I’m Leonard, I live

 Interesting choices. Based on my current needs, I guess I’d pick the yogurt.

 Oh, (blows a raspberry). I think any university would want you. Except, of course, any university that had already had you. Because they would’ve already wanted you before they, you know, got you.

 Uh, sleep night. I mean, obviously, good night. I started to say sleep tight, then I changed my mind in the middle. I swear to God, I’m smart.

 That’s very thoughtful, but I think I’ll finish my coffee first.

 Oh, good, you’re up. Look, my car won’t start. I need a ride to work.

 Oh, no, no, it’s okay. You might slip on a banana peel and get me pregnant.

 It’s just two degrees, Sheldon. I just want to turn up the thermostat two degrees!

 I’m Leonard Hofstadter. I called you about the apartment. You said…

 Oh, uh, well, that’s tricky. Um, well, uh, Original Series over Next Generation, but Picard over Kirk.

 Okay, I suppose I could drive you. Well that’s a point in my favour, right?

 If people don’t go in there, and you’re people, and… You are people, aren’t you? Making a joke.

 No, I didn’t just move in. First we had to iron out a few details. (Flashback: The apartment)

 Okay, how about this? Let me tell you about the first time I brought a girl over. (Flashback to Leonard’s bedroom.)

 It was, but one night, Sheldon came home from work… (Flashback, the apartment. The settee has now appeared. Leonard, Howard and Raj are playing a video game.)

 Oh, well, there were some people on the first floor moving out, and they sold it to me for a hundred dollars. Howard and Raj helped me bring it up.

 According to the roommate agreement, I’m entitled to allocate 50% of the cubic footage of the common areas.

 Excuse me, but I’ve been working on this a long time. Trust me, it’ll work.

 What’d you do that for? I had plenty of time. (Elevator explodes.)

 Oh, uh, clear nail polish. I had a mani-pedi. Men can get those. Anyway, I may owe you an apology.

 I did agree to the thermostat setting, and I shouldn’t have tried to change it.

 It’s not like that, I’m watching someone’s TV. The Good Wife is on. I tell you, this is my new Grey’s Anatomy.

 She didn’t dump me. We were just in different places in the relationship.

 Tons. I’ve had, like, eight dates in the last month. And twelve if you count the ones who showed up and left.

 Put on your noise-cancelling headphones, ’cause it’s gonna get loud.

 I know. I just thought as an outsider, you might be able to provide a fresh perspective.

 Okay, what if I were to tell you, tomorrow, at 4:30 you could meet a woman who has been scientifically chosen to be your perfect mate?

 But it’s true. But we-we put all your vital information into this dating site, answered all their questions just like you would, and they found a match for you. Her name is Amy Farrah Fowler.

 Okay, how about this. Even Spock had a date once every seven years.

 Okay, well, why don’t you start with a cup of coffee, and you can pon farr Amy Farrah Fowler later.

 Sheldon, I’ve hidden the dirty sock from the roof somewhere in your apartment. Unless you are willing to come with us to meet this girl, it will remain there forever.

 If that was slang, I’m unfamiliar with it. If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery. In any case, I’m here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year.

 I don’t object to the concept of a deity, but I’m baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance.

 Noted. Now, before this goes any further, you should know that all forms of physical contact up to and including coitus are off the table.

 Really? They’re going to make a robot that spits on your hamburger?

 Are you telling me, for the past four months I have been asking you what’s new and you never thought to go with Sheldon has a girlfriend?

 Wait a minute– a child? You never see this girl. You just e-mail and text and Twitter. Now you’re considering having a baby?

 You don’t even like people touching you. How are you going to have sex?

 Oh, honey, did your mom not have the talk with you? You know, when your private parts started growing?

 Look, Sheldon, before you race off to the fertility clinic, you might want to think about, uh gee, I don’t know, maybe actually spending some time with her.

 Okay, look, don’t think of it as dating a girlfriend. Think of it as, uh, getting to know the future mother of your child.

 You do realize I stand on the other side of the door waiting for you to finish knocking three times.

 Sheldon, did it ever occur to you that I might have other plans?

 Yeah. Well, my question is, and I’m pretty sure I know the answer, is this your first date?

 Okay. Well, then, there’s a couple of things you should probably know.

 My point is, I know more about dating than you, and if you were as smart as you think you are, you would listen to me.

 Okay. Uncomfortable silence it is. Hey, Sheldon, have you told Amy what it was like for you growing up in Texas?

 I myself grew up in Nebraska. Small town outside of Omaha. You know, nice place, mostly family farms, a few meth labs.

 Hey, here’s another possible topic of conversation. This is a big night for Sheldon. Right, Sheldon?

 Uh, yeah, I wouldn’t say many. A few. (Sheldon laugh’s strangely). What’s (imitates Sheldon’s laugh)

 Does volunteering for a scientific experiment in which orgasm was achieved by electronically stimulating the pleasure centres of the brain count?

 Okay, you know what? I’m gonna come at this in a whole new way. Sheldon, if you try to make a baby with Amy in a petri dish, I’m gonna tell your mother on you.

 Really? Your deeply religious born-again Christian mother wants a test-tube grandbaby born out of wedlock?

 If I’d thought of that in the first place, I could’ve saved myself this whole night.

 Whatcha doin’ there? Working on a new plan to catch the roadrunner?

 A lot of people are working on that research. So what is all this?

 Interesting. Cause of death for Uncle Carl was KBB. What’s KBB?

 I don’t think you need to worry about death by badgers being hereditary.

 So, you’re upset about missing out on becoming some sort of freakish self-aware robot?

 There’s no cholera in Pasadena. Just like last summer, when there was no malaria in Pasadena.

 Oh. And the Flash shirt is what? Because you’re gonna run really fast?

 You cannot exist as a virtual presence. Not here and certainly not at work. Oh, good God.

 In a world where rhinoceroses are domesticated pets, who wins the Second World War?

 We postulate an alternate world that differs from ours in one key aspect and then pose questions to each other.

 I can figure this out, let’s see. Um, well, beavers eat tree bark. The only tree bark I know that humans consume is cinnamon. So, I’ll say cinnamon.

 Like everybody else’s. Subject to entropy, decay and eventual death. Thank you for asking. Why is she not taking our order?

 Really? I assumed an establishment called the Cheesecake Factory would function more efficiently.

 Uh-huh. Anyway, I’m not sure she’s the best fit for our little, how should we call it, rebel alliance.

 Okay, let me just get right to it. Amy is judgmental, sanctimonious and frankly just obnoxious.

 No, no, of course not. Just have your relationship someplace else.

 I’m stating it outright. Babinski eats Dirac for breakfast and defecates Clarke-Maxwell.

 I’m sorry, I’m-I’m still trying to work on the defecating Clark Maxwell, so…

 Yes, but if I’m successful, I will be able to map and reproduce your thought processes in deriving a grand unified theory, and therefore, subsume your conclusions under my paradigm.

 Women, huh? Can’t live with them, can’t successfully refute their hypotheses.

 Wow. That’s like the worst country song ever. So, how are you doing?

 Cats, Sheldon. You’re clearly upset about Amy being gone, and you’re trying to replace her with a bunch of cats.

 Terrific. My-my point is you need to face up to what you’re feeling with this breakup.

 Okay, I got it, I got it, she’s not your girlfriend. Now listen to me. I know about loneliness. I know about trying to replace someone with other stuff. When I broke up with Penny, I got back into my cello, I built a bunch of model rockets, I got those weightlifting gloves and that five-pound dumbbell.

 Okay, fine. Live with cats. Be like my Aunt Nancy. She had dozens of them. And do you know what happened after she died? They ate her.

 Yeah, I get it. You got a lot of cats and you gave ’em cute Jewish names.

 Leonard called, and he said that you were pining for a young lady.

 Oh, lambchop, we can quibble what to call it, but I think we can both agree it’s creepy.

 Your mother thinks you might be losing your mind over me. As a neurobiologist, I was curious.

 Now, the reason I called Amy over was to find out what type of person she is. And after chatting a bit, I have to say that while she is a perfectly unique young woman, you two are definitely not suited for each other.

 Well, putting aside the pig Latin, it’s a good thing that you two decided to end the relationship so I didn’t have to end it for you.

 I’ll agree to that only if you’ll stipulate that 80% of our difficulties were caused by you.

 I do. I find being cast in the role of bad girl oddly titillating.

 I’m telling you, if xenon emits ultraviolet light, then those dark matter discoveries must be wrong.

 Oh, you’re so arrogant. If you were a superhero, your name would be Captain Arrogant. And you know what your superpower would be? Arrogance.

 Has it occurred to you you’re missing the big picture? If you look at neutron scattering data…

 Oh, but there’s money for a drawer full of Red Vines, a marshmallow shooting rifle, and a super executive ant farm with glow-in-the-dark sand?

 So anyway, Howard asked Penny to talk to Bernadette, and she did, and Bernadette agreed to meet him for a cup of coffee.

 That’s for me, Ramon, Julio, Jesus and Rodrigo to know and you to find out.

 I have three brothers and two sisters, Sheldon, I can do this all day.

 Well, seeing as its purpose was to piss you off, I’d say it’s spot-on.

 Oh, God, what’s that smell? (Knocks on Sheldon’s door. Sheldon answers in a gas mask). Oh-ho-hoo!

 It’s not gonna work, dude, I grew up in India, an entire subcontinent where cows walk in the street, and nobody has ever had a solid bowel movement.

 All I’m saying is, if they took all the money they spent trying to make a decent Hulk movie, they could probably just make an actual Hulk.

 Right, right. So you’re still just texting and emailing? You don’t feel any need to hang out with her, you know, be in the same room?

 Sheldon, I’m just not dating someone right now. I don’t need to go to a senior centre.

 Great. You have a girlfriend, Howard’s got a girlfriend, Sheldon’s got a girl…

 From a neurobiological standpoint, Leonard, you may be alone because your psychological state is causing an actual pheromone-based stink of desperation.

 Well, you know how you’re always saying that Amy is a girl who’s your friend, and not your girlfriend?

 Look, she obviously wants to take your relationship to the next level.

 All right, well, let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?

 I believe a misunderstanding may have occurred when I asked you to meet my mother.

 In what way are you screwed? All I want to do is present you as my boyfriend to my mother so she’ll be satisfied that I’m in a relationship.

 Don’t be absurd. I find the notion of romantic love to be an unnecessary cultural construct that adds no value to human relationships.

 I trust this clarification allows us to return to boy-slash-friend-slash-girl-slash-friend status.

 It’s nice to meet you, too, Sheldon. I honestly didn’t believe Amy when she told me she had a boyfriend.

 You wanted me to have a boyfriend, Mother. Well, here he is. Have to sign off now. My hunger for Sheldon is stirring in my loins.

 This is the worst cobbler I’ve ever eaten. I mean it tastes like it was made of actual ground-up shoemaker.

 Can you believe it? Little Priya’s one of the lead attorneys for the biggest car company in India.

 Alright, this goes without saying, but I’m just going to say it anyway. Hands off my sister.

 Did you make it clear that it’s two different train cars turned into hot dog stands?

 Really? You’re going to risk getting sleepy in the middle of your thermodynamic fluctuations seminar? You know what happens when you yawn in public.

 Oh, uh, building manager. They have to fix a pipe so the water will be off tomorrow from noon to two.

 No, no, no, no, no. You just need, you just need, you just need to map it out. Come on, I’ll help you. So, uh, you stopped at the stream and you turned north three times?

 Right, right, alright. (They creep almost to the apartment door.)

 Okay fine, I’m, I’m a horrible human being, I’m the Darth Vader of Pasadena.

 My point is, Priya’s gone. And it would be much better if no-one else found out about this.

 You can if you try. Think about it this way, if I were Batman and you were Alfred, you’d keep that secret. Right?

 Leonard, call me if you’re interested in coitus. Sincerely, Maggie McGeary.

 Top of the morning to you. You’ve reached Maggie McGeary. Leave a message after the wee little beep.

 C’mon Raj, how am I supposed to know who she’s attracted to. Or was attracted to. Or who she might be attracted to. In the future.

 Look, I’m sorry Raj, but the truth is I was with Priya last night.

 Excuse me, I think how could you she’s my sister takes precedence over a five year old pinky swear!

 And as long as we’re talking about betraying our friends, how about the month Sheldon spent grinding up insects and mixing them into Leonard’s food.

 As long as we’re apologising, Sheldon, I, I’m sorry I used your toothbrush.

 No, seriously, I think I’ve finally figured out my problem with women.

 Good news. I made it onto the team for the new Defence Department laser-equipped surveillance satellite.

 Nobody cares. Do you know how long it’s been since I got through airport security without being given a colonoscopy?

 To tell you the truth, I thought if anyone was going to screw things up for Howard, it’d be Sheldon.

 Thank you for filing a complaint with my superior, Dr. Cooper. I understand you want to recant your statement about Howard Wolowitz.

 I think he’s eating lunch. Uh, Sheldon, I want you to meet Neil deGrasse Tyson from the Hayden Planetarium in New York.

 But I actually didn’t demote Pluto. That was a vote of the International Astronomical Union.

 Are you kidding me? You’ve set my career back at least two years, and you think you can make it right with I’m sorry?

 Dr. Cooper, I just wanted you to know I’m sorry for the role I played in the Pluto matter.

 You know, they have a really nice bar over at the Olive Garden.

 Oh, yeah, you know, every bartender makes it differently. Why don’t you give it a try.

 You know, sometimes stuff just happens, and there’s nothing you can do about it. For example, Lisa Peterson hasn’t talked to me since the 11th grade, because no matter how much you apologize, you can’t go back and un-dry-hump someone’s boyfriend.

 I got to tell you, Sheldon, I understand why you chose this spot. I mean, the temperature is good, but there’s no draft. I can see the television, but I can still talk to…

 Well, I’m watching it now. Why would I want to see it again on Friday?

 Relax, it’s five o’clock. The movie doesn’t start till midnight.

 You know, if we miss it, we’ll have the fun of listening to Sheldon whine about it for the rest of our lives.

 Oh. Well, he waited in line for 14 hours, while you napped in a lawn chair, he got in a fight with a Klingon when he stepped out of line to pee and you wouldn’t wake up to vouch for him, and worst of all, he saw Star Trek: Nemesis.

 Actually, as the newest member of your social group, I believe I’ll gain more acceptance by arbitrarily siding with your friends from time to time.

 Hey, guys, bad news. I just did a quick calculation. Given the size of the theatre  and the length of this line, we might not get seats.

 Why do you read his Twitter feed? You know it’s only going to upset you.

 We can still see something. Uh, the new Sandra Bullock movie is playing two blocks away. You know Sandy B always brings it.

 Where did he go? (Raj whistles) We’re looking for Sheldon, not Marmaduke.

 Listen to me. You are over-tired. You’re not thinking right. Put the movie back before we get into trouble.

 He’s not braver than whoever uses the bathroom after The Thing?

 Oh, okay. Good. I don’t need more comics. Howard’s gonna stop by, we’re gonna play intergalactic battleship and Indian Monopoly.

 Penny kissing me is not insane. She used to kiss me all the time.

 No, you’re right. No, there’s, there’s no plots, no trucks, no feet. So what other annoying habits shall we discuss?

 It is. You just kind of put a damper on things when you said, the next person I see talking with food in their mouth will be put to death.

 It’s too thin if I were making a foot-long brain sandwich at Quiznos. For examination under a two-photon microscope, it’s fine.

 Very well. If you die and donate your body to science, I promise to slice your brain like Canadian bacon.

 No, I experienced some distressing symptoms last night, so I’m checking my vital signs every hour.

 Elevated heart rate, moist palms, dry mouth and localized vascular throbbing.

 I was sitting in a restaurant with Penny and Bernadette, drinking water, carbonated as it was a special occasion. Penny’s friend Zack stopped by and said hello and I said hoo.

 My blood work shows thyroid function normal. Cortisol levels normal.

 I think we need to face the cold, hard truth, I was sexually aroused by Penny’s friend Zack.

 Let’s look at this logically. I have a stomach, I get hungry. I have genitals, I have the potential for sexual arousal.

 Are you suggesting we live our lives guided by the philosophies found in cheap science fiction?

 Is it possible that your concern for me at this moment is motivated by nothing more than simple jealousy?

 You reject it because you don’t feel jealousy, or because you are suppressing jealousy?

 That’s not your lunch, Sheldon, those are the cadaver brain specimens.

 Yeah. That’s why I’m going to skip over it. Are you saying that Amy is, oh, what’s the

 I’m suggesting there might be something you could do about Amy’s urges?

 You know, I saw this great thing on the Discovery Channel. Turns out that if you kill a starfish, it’ll just come back to life.

 Come on, that’s what we do. We give each other a hard time. Hey, Sheldon, you look like a praying mantis.

 Really? I haven’t been to a comic book store in literally a million years.

 Switching it up from last year when we came as the Justice League of America.

 Hey, I got new boots this year. Guaranteed to add three inches.

 Than than Leonard in high-heeled boots? Howard’s mother in high-heeled boots?

 Score. I got an Archie, Betty and Veronica, and a Jughead. All set for my weekend number twos.

 I don’t want to be Aquaman. He sucks. He sucks underwater. He sucks fish pee.

 We’re going to a costume party at the comic book store on New Year’s Eve, and you get to be Wonder Woman.

 Oh, great. No Superman, no Wonder Woman? All we’ve got is a skinny Flash, an Indian Aquaman, a nearsighted Green Lantern, and a teeny, tiny Dark Knight.

 Okay, let me see if I understand this. You want me to convince my ex-girlfriend to go to a costume party with her new boyfriend just so we can win a stupid prize?

 And the award for best group costume goes to Justice League of America number three!

 I had a great idea. You know how we’re always having to stop and solve differential equations, like when you’re doing Fourier analysis, or using the Schrodinger equation?

 Can you say that and not make it sound like I’m a cat who learned how to use the toilet?

 I checked the App Store. No one is doing handwriting-recognition differential equation solving.

 Well, yes, and you’re listed as Chief Executive Officer, Chief Financial Officer and Chief Operating Officer.

 Thank you. I thought we might start by talking about the user interface.

 So this button here will allow you to scan a new equation, but over here, you can press this, and just substitute new values for the coefficients.

 So right now, this button-press event is just triggering a dummy procedure call…

 Like I was saying, right now it’s just a dummy procedure, but eventually, it will drop us into…

 Again, right now it’s just a dummy procedure, but eventually, it will drop us into…

 No, you are now nothing. You have no connection to this project whatsoever.

 Look, I’m still happy to drive you to work. Nothing’s changed in that regard. We’re still roommates, we’re still friends.

 Hey, you don’t need Leonard and his app. You can make one with me.

 Okay, look, when you see someone wearing shoes you like, you just snap a picture of them, and the app goes on the Internet to find out where you can buy them.

 No, no, no. You know, they have suffered enough. Everybody’s suffered enough. The thing is, you’re going to have to offer him a face-saving way out of this.

 Okay. Um, how about this? You know how you’re always trying to learn about sarcasm?

 Oh. Good for you. So all you have to do here is say you’re sorry to Leonard, but say it sarcastically.

 Okay, now that you’re back on the team, let’s get you caught up.

 Thank you. So as you can see, not only can you store your favourite equations, but you can forward them to your friends or post them on Facebook right from the app.

 Okay, these are Uggs. These are Crocs. These are knockoff Manolo Blahniks.

 Look, you said it yourself, we have to create a database before you can write an alga-thingy.

 Oh, gee, Amy, I’m sorry, I’m actually pretty busy this weekend.

 Don’t worry. Just sit next to me during the quiz, and you can copy my answers.

 No, we discussed it. We decided we didn’t want to jeopardize our relationship by getting to know each other too well.

 Well, it’s a table, right? I mean, why can’t there be food on it?

 It was a late-night vote. We were all exhausted, and he was threatening to filibuster. It’s not technically Road Trip God, it’s Travel Supervisor.

 Are we talking about women wanting penises? Because I’d like to weigh in.

 If this humiliating experience is really troubling you, there are things we could do about it.

 Well, the first thing that comes to mind is isolating the part of your brain where the memory is stored and destroying it with a laser.

 All right. Have you considered improving your socialization skills, thus allowing you to communicate more effectively with other people?

 Fair enough, but in its essence, teaching is a performance art. In the classroom paradigm, the teacher has the responsibility to communicate, as well as entertain and engage.

 Yeah, I saw those. They were funny. I printed a few out and put ’em on my fridge.

 Okay, just to be clear. You are asking me for help because I know something that the brilliant Dr. Sheldon Cooper doesn’t.

 Probably. I’m just enjoying the foreplay. Does this mean you are done mocking my acting career?

 Well, I thought we’d start with some basic movement exercises. You know, get our bodies warmed up a little.

 Come on, you got to work with me. We need to get connected with our bodies.

 Okay. One of the things that might help you in connecting with your students is being a little more spontaneous. So why don’t we try some improvisation?

 I’m going to create a character and a situation, and you just jump in when you feel it.

 Okay. Uh, no, the shipment has not arrived, and I really need those shoes. They are my biggest seller. Yes, ladies sizes six through ten. Thank you. Oh, sorry, I have to go, I have a customer. Bye-bye. Hi. Can I help you?

 Yes. Look up at the sign, and remember, improv is always about saying yes.

 Okay, you know what? Let’s just try a different improv. Uh, oh, this time we will be two winos living under a freeway overpass.

 You bet. I had dreams, you know. I was gonna be famous. Show everybody back home I could be someone. Now look at me. Want some?

 Okay, that’s fine, but let’s try and get you out of your comfort zone.

 Okay, the whole point of this is to loosen you up a little, so I’m thinking you’ll play the role of your mother, and I will bring life to Mr. Spock.

 Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo. Spock to Enterprise. Transport successful.

 We have been monitoring your son Sheldon from the 23rd Century, and we have determined that he is now ready to join us. His unique genius is our best hope for bringing peace to a vast and troubled galaxy.

 Okay, okay, let’s try that last line again, and this time, maybe try choking up a little.

 All right, come on, just try it my way. Pretend you’re sad to see him go. I’m gonna lead you in. His unique genius is our best hope for bringing peace to a vast and troubled galaxy. That’s your cue.

 All right, come on, come on. Put some real emotion into it. Blah-blah, blah, blah, vast and troubled galaxy. Go.

 Mrs. Cooper, hey, it’s Penny. Yeah, I think I broke your son. Hey, hold on. Talk to your mother.

 You take this one. I spent an hour last night on how do vampires shave when they can’t see themselves in the mirror?

 Why’s the president of the university slumming in the cafeteria?

 I understand your reticence, Dr. Cooper, and I sympathize, but the hard facts are, occasionally, we have to shake a few hands and kiss a few butts to raise money for our research.

 Well, normally I respect your macho rebellious attitude toward The Man, but, in this case, I think you’ve made a foolish mistake.

 Sheldon, like it or not, until you manage to upload your intelligence into a self-sustaining orbiting satellite, equipped with high-speed Internet and a cloaking device, you will be dependent on other members of the human race.

 I’m not finished. All scientists have to fund-raise, Sheldon. How do you think I paid for my lab?

 Technically, Faisal is my fiance. But I do have a state-of-the-art two-photon microscope and a place to stay in Riyadh for the winter.

 And consider this, without you to make the case for the physics department, the task will fall to people like Leonard and Rajesh.

 Well, then prepare to be terrified. If your friends are unconvincing, this year’s donations might go to, say, the geology department.

 Millions of dollars being showered on poets, literary theorists and students of gender studies.

 Hello, Mrs. Latham. Yes, I live with him. I don’t, I, I really don’t know why. Tonight? Sure, that’d be great. Okay, I’ll, I’ll see you then. Bye. She wants to have dinner and talk about my research.

 Excuse me, but you are not the only distinguished scientist in this apartment. I’ve been published in peer-reviewed journals, I received a Dissertation of the Year award for experimental particle physics.

 Well, Mrs. Latham said she was seriously considering donating money so we could get a cryogenic centrifugal pump.

 I was able to get out of there before anything else happened, but she wants to see me again tomorrow night.

 What was all that about me trading sexual favours for material gain?

 I won’t be too late. I’m just gonna make a final pitch for the funding and then say good night.

 Are you insane? I’m not going to prostitute myself just so we can get some new equipment.

 Oh, please, I recognize the walk of shame when I see it. All you’re missing is a little smeared mascara and a purse with panties wadded up in it.

 No, we agreed they all have their merits. This was about Bernadette.

 Howard’s gonna sleep here tonight. He had a fight with his mother.

 Listen, Rajesh, Leonard and I have decided to see each other again, and you don’t get to tell me who I can and can’t have a relationship with.

 Oh, yes. Hi, hi. I’m sorry. I didn’t know you had company. I don’t want to impose.

 Oh, yeah, yeah. It’s real great. Today I drove to Van Nuys for an audition I thought was going to be for a cat food commercial. Turned out to be porn.

 I’m having dinner with Priya at Raj’s. I think Howard’s going to be there. You want to join us?

 It’s not a party. It’s the same group of people who hang out here, hanging out over there.

 I don’t know what to tell you, Sheldon. I’m going to see Priya. Everyone’s over there. You coming or not?

 What do you want to do? You want to come with me, or do you want to sit here alone?

 That’s got to be fun for you, huh? Watching Hofstadter suck the saliva out of your sister’s mouth?

 There is no assigned seats, Sheldon. Just sit anywhere. Make yourself comfortable.

 Okay, we’ve got fajitas with all the fixins, so you make your own.

 Well, I was getting your stupid umbrella, but all right. What’s troubling you, buddy?

 Sheldon, are you all right? When last we spoke, you were going to take a taxi home from Raj’s, but according to Facebook, you just checked in at the Cheesecake Factory.

 Sheldon, look at me. I think it’s time to face the fact that Leonard is the nucleus of your social group. Where he goes, the group goes.

 Um. Hi. I’m Stuart. I run a comic bookstore, which for financial reasons, I’m currently living in. And I guess what I’m hoping for most out of tonight is a hot shower.

 I’m Barry Kwipke, and I’m here because you told me there was going to be a whaffle. When is the whaffle?

 Anyway, after we get done snowboarding, I go back to the lodge and get in the Jacuzzi. There’s no one around, so naturally, I’m free-balling it. Next thing I know, this beautiful chick shows up, drunk out of her skull, wants to get in with me.

 Is that like all thumbs are fingers, but not all fingers are thumbs?

 Oh, yeah. Right. Anyway, she takes off all of her clothes, climbs into the hot tub, and the first thing I notice…

 Tewwific. Go ahead, Zack. Naked dwunk girl, fwee-balling, continue.

 Actually, I do. I believe the Romans used to put spiced toast in their punch bowls.

 A magician never reveals his secrets. But surely a future Nobel prize winner can figure it out.

 Is the autumn cruel for letting the flowers die, or is that just nature’s way?

 Holy crap, are you connected to the Oak Ridge National Laboratory?

 Sheldon, that computer is used for National defence. Hacking into it is a Federal crime.

 These cards have barcodes on them. The wand is a reader. It’s transmitting to your phone.

 All right. (Raj looks over Sheldon’s shoulder. Holds two fingers over his heart). Two of hearts.

 You called the police because someone hacked your World of Warcraft account?

 Fine. Dr. Cooper. I’m sorry for your loss, but the Pasadena Police Department doesn’t have jurisdiction in Pandora.

 I’m on it. (On phone) Hi, Mrs. Wolowitz. Is, is Howard there? Okay, thanks. That particular dog of war will have to call you back after his bath.

 Whoever did this knew what they were doing. He got in and out of your account in under 15 minutes, transferred all your stuff, and didn’t leave a digital fingerprint.

 Hold on. I’m talking to an orc under the bridge in Thunder Bluff who says if we pay him, he’ll help us track down your things.

 Oh, I know. Bernadette told me. Sorry, Sheldon. I know that game meant a lot to you.

 Okay, well, anyways, I brought you a day-old cheesecake to cheer you up!

 Sheldon, what if he gets his Internet from his cable company? He could lose his HBO and all their delightful original programming.

 Yeah. No one can hide from me, not Waldo, not Carmen San Diego, not even topless Natalie Portman.

 Thanks. Our culprit is one Mr. Todd Zarnecki, 2711 Ocean View Road, Carlsbad, California.

 Yes, he does live with his parents. Here’s a Google Earth shot of their house.

 Fine. You walk up to the house, knock on the door and demand your stuff back. What if he says no?

 Also, tonight’s the Sabbath and my mother and I have a tradition of lighting the candles and

 Hey, how about we stay the night and hit Legoland in the morning?

 Yeah, we’re coming for you, Todd Zarnecki. And for the record, Legoland is more interactive.

 I took the liberty of burning us a mix of heroic questing music.

 Okay, let’s get clear on something. We’re just going to tell this guy to transfer all of your stuff back into your account and then be on our way. No one’s bat’lething anybody.

 Something’s wrong, I’m not getting any gas. Anybody know anything about internal combustion engines?

 My new book, The Hidden Reality, takes on a grand question. Is our universe the only universe? You see, there’s a growing belief among scientists like me that ours may only be one among many universes populating a gigantic cosmos. In The Hidden Reality, I explore this possibility without presuming any knowledge of mathematics or physics on the part of the reader.

 I’m glad you talked me into this. We work so hard, sometimes, it’s nice to goof off and do something silly.

 You can think about Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle much like the special order menu that you find in certain Chinese restaurants, where you have dishes in column A and other dishes in column B, and if you order the first dish in column A, you can’t order the corresponding dish in column B. That’s sort of like the Uncertainly Principle.

 Say, I heard an interesting tidbit about Howard and Bernadette.

 Now, now. Evolutionary biologist Robin Dunbar has identified gossip as an aid to social bonding in large groups.

 What if he’s right? And by not participating in gossip, society breaks down into small feral bands of tattooed motorcycle riders fighting to the death over the last few cans of tuna fish?

 Uh, a smile means something different in my country. You know, tears of joy, smile of sadness. India’s a goofy place.

 Fascinating work. I recently trained a capuchin monkey to smoke cigarettes.

 Yes. He looks much cooler than the non-smoking monkeys. Although it’s not much of a contest. The other monkeys just sit around and masturbate.

 I don’t understand. The original piece of gossip indicated an impending breakup.

 It’s not surprising that the story has captured the attention of our little circle of friends. Are you familiar with meme theory?

 Meme theory suggests that items of gossip are like living things that seek to reproduce using humans as their host.

 Do you have any ethical qualms regarding human experimentation?

 Then we’ll track its progress through our social group and interpret the results through the competing academic prisms of memetic theory, algebraic gossip and epidemiology.

 No reason. I was just talking to Raj, and he mentioned what a lovely glow she has these days.

 Every word. Our false gossip meme appears to have reached node lambda.

 Agreed. It appears the rate of gossip transmission is proportional to the number of nodes squared.

 Bernadette just asked about my sexual encounter with you. The meme has reached full penetration.

 I should let you know that she asked for details about our dalliance.

 Not important. I described your lovemaking as aloof, but effective.

 All right, based on a cursory reading, it doesn’t look like you have much of a case, Sheldon.

 Oh, I’m afraid not. Section seven here, on the right to enter the bathroom in emergency situations, is not specific as to what constitutes an emergency.

 Is it? If Leonard forgot to trim his nose hair, could he barge in while you were showering?

 My point is, Sheldon, the legal principle is ambiguity in a contract benefits the party that did not draft it, in this case, Leonard. So much for count one.

 I wish to discuss your theories of black holes. Meet me at the Randy’s Donut by the airport at 2:00 a.m.

 According to what I see here, Thursday nights are Franconi’s pizza night.

 A good question, Howard. Turns out you can’t. According to the document you drew up, Sheldon, the selection of a new takeout restaurant requires public hearings and a 60-day comment period. Were those criteria met?

 Oh, I’m sorry, honey, I’m meeting Amy and Bernadette for dinner. But you’re welcome to tag along.

 Okay, suit yourself. We’ll probably be trashing Priya a little.

 Oh, blah, blah, blah. Give me some sugar, bestie (kisses Penny).

 Oh, I totally want to see Sheldon dance. I bet he looks like a spider on a hot plate.

 Well, what does your cotillion training say is expected of a gentleman when three ladies ask him to escort them to a dance soiree?

 I kissed a girl and I liked it, I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it.

 How come if we’re the smart people, we don’t do this every night?

 Don’t be silly. He’s one of the animals in my department’s nicotine addiction study.

 I’m giving him emphysema. The least I can do is let him hang out and watch cable.

 A little. The real danger is him biting my face off while I’m sleeping.

 Of course. What’s rattling around that big bulbous brain of yours?

 I trained Ricky how to smoke. I can train him to shoot a poison dart. No jury would convict us ’cause people love monkeys.

 Excuse me. Have you considered that your intelligence might be the very thing causing your dilemma?

 What do you think Ricky over here would do if an interloper encroached on his territory?

 You’re being too literal. My point is, he would not meekly surrender to the rules, and neither should you.

 Yes, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Which brings me to our next order of business. (Kisses him)

 Uh, Captain Kirk activated the self-destruct sequence and threatened to blow up the Enterpriseand kill them both unless he gave in?

 Yes. I also found a Korean man’s business card tucked into my cleavage. What happened last night?

 I’m going to be 30 years old, and I have no one in my life to love me. I’m such a basket case, I can’t even talk to a woman without having alcohol in my body.

 Sheldon, listen to me. I have a big decision to make, and I’m scared.

 A friend at the School of Pharmacology gave me these new pills they’re testing. He says it’s the next big thing for social anxiety disorder.

 I’m not sure. Some sort of beta-blocker attached to a molecule extracted from the urine of cows.

 I’m a scientist. My ability to think is my bread and butter. I’m afraid if I take this, I might lose that special, unique something that makes me so successful in my field.

 We’re scientists. We observe everything. Here, go buy yourself a scone.

 Oh, oh, Beekeeper to King 12. I capture your Pope and release the swarm. Checkmate on Sheldon.

 Right, right, whereas Jewish mothers take a casual, la-di-da approach to their sons.

 It’s not a big deal, Sheldon. It’s just, ever since Leonard’s been dating Raj’s sister, I’ve had to keep my distance. I don’t get to hear all your jibber-jabber.

 Right, fine. I’ll tell Howard you didn’t come because you’re more concerned about your own well-being than his.

 Okay, you know what? You are unbelievable. You buy all these superhero T-shirts, but when it’s time for you to step up and do the right thing, you just hide in the laundry room.

 It’s the circle of life, sweetie. One day our son will marry someone and it will kill you.

 Sheldon, my mother is on her deathbed and my fiancée is grief-stricken over putting her there. I’m not taking you home.

 Sorry, I’m just trying to cheer my buddy up. Rotting Zombie. Sheldon’s new Facebook photo.

 Well, you have milk in the taters, milk in the gravy, parmesan crust. Your lactose-intolerant boyfriend will turn into a gas-filled Macy’s Day balloon.

 So, Howard, tell us, how’s it feel knowing that when you two get married, you’ll be referred to as Mr. and Dr. Wolowitz?

 I’ll make it simple for you. I study the brain, the organ responsible for Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony. Bernadette studies yeast, the organism responsible for Michelob Lite. Is there something wrong with your neck?

 Trust me. With your right hand, locate the spot where the scapula meets the acromion process.

 Now push your third finger along the ridge of the shoulder blade, making a small rotation as you do so.

 You should feel a small node-like object rolling back and forth along the bone.

 Obviously. Now bear down on it like the seventh grade noogies we all know too well.

 Don’t flatter yourself. Your hands are blunt tools guided by my knowledge of the nervous system. I could just as easily have paralyzed you.

 Leonard’s having astronomically inaccurate Star Trek sex with my sister.

 Come on, dude, I’m exhausted, and Tyra Banks says the most important item in your makeup bag is a good night’s sleep.

 That could have been about anyone. Besides, you have nothing to worry about, because now I’m the dusky half of Koothrapenny.

 Somewhere where no one’s seen me naked. We may have to drive awhile. (Opens door. Sees Leonard and Sheldon. Slams it shut again.)

 Do we really have to wear this camouflage crap to play paintball?

 Let it go, Sheldon. I’ll get you a Jamba Juice on the way home.

 Shh! It’s my agent, it’s my agent. You’re kidding. Oh, my gosh. I can’t believe it! Really? Oh, I’m so excited, thank you, thank you so much. Okay, bye. I got the haemorrhoid commercial! I start Monday.

 Oh, uh, Priya’s calling in a few minutes on Skype, and we are gonna have a dinner date.

 Listen, I don’t want to be rude, but Priya’s gonna be calling any minute, so…

 You know, some people might say that it’s great that we’re trying to make things work long distance. They’d say things like, love is stronger than the miles between you.

 Oh, it’s no problem. It’s actually kind of nice. You reading, me reading. We’re like an old married couple.

 Oh, all right, well, I’m glad you like it. I mean, I still can’t get over the fact someone just threw it away.

 I don’t want to talk about it. You didn’t catch bugs from Penny’s chair.

 Sheldon, you do this all the time. You fixate on some crazy idea and then blow it way out of proportion.

 How about when you put GPS trackers in your garbage because you were convinced North Korean spies were stealing your doodles? The chicken nuggets you were sure were human nuggets. The strangely-shaped cloud that was following you around town. The time you put on my shirt by mistake and were convinced you’d started growing again.

 Okay, relax. I took off the slipcovers, had them dry-cleaned and then fumigated the cushions.

 Yeah. It’s cleaner than my couch. Found half a Hot Pocket in there.

 Five, six, seven, eight. Tall and tan and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking, and when she passes, each one she passes goes…

 Oh… You are aware that your ritualistic knocking behaviour is symptomatic of obsessive compulsive disorder?

 Would you like to hear me play a bossa nova standard on the harp?

 How about the theme song to the classic television show Diff’rent Strokes? Now the world don’t move to the beat…

 Best friends, besties, BFFs, peas in a pod, sisters who would share travelling pants. Go on.

 For general educational purposes, or has she acquired a bar stool dipped in cholera?

 Sheldon, just because you have a focus on cleanliness bordering on the psychotic doesn’t mean I have to participate.

 Hang on. You seriously think I’m going to live with your mother?

 I would, but the last wedding we went to was a disaster. He behaved like a child the entire time.

 Doesn’t matter. You’re out, he’s in. No date to the prom, two dates to a wedding. Hmm, how times change.

 Well, it turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time. Although, truth be told, my groin’s a little worse for wear. (Sheldon hits him) Ow! Why did you do that?

 Really? So we’re playing Dungeons and Dragons, and we walk into a dungeon and see a dragon? Isn’t that a little on the nose?

 You left out, got chafed testicles because you no longer wear underpants.

 Well, they don’t have an Excalibur here, so what do you want to do?

 Well, it’s a limited edition. They only made 8,000 of these bad boys.

 Are you kidding? I’m already giving you the friends and family discount.

 It gets better. Someone has to go up with the telescope as a payload specialist, and guess who that someone is.

 Sheldon, I know you’re a bit of a left-handed monkey wrench, but, you really have a mortal enemy?

 I’m going to a party. I’m not turning R2-D2 and C-3PO over to the empire!

 All right, Sheldon, we’re going to Wil’s. This is your last chance.

 No, I just got a text from Stuart. Brent Spiner is at the party.

 Hey, Sheldon, I’m so glad you made it. I found something I think you might like.

 Oh, wow. I haven’t seen one of these in years. (Rips open action figure packaging) Remember how we used to make these things look like they were masturbating?

 Sorry, Slim. I’ve got some Mr. Data dolls in the trunk of my car. You want me to sign one for you?

 It’s called the Born Again Boat Ride. Christian Quarterly gave it their highest rating, five thorny crowns. I do wish you’d come with me, Sheldon.

 Oh, it is a hoot and a half. You write your sins on a clay pigeon, they fire ’em up in the air, and you pulverize them with a 12-gauge shotgun full of our Lord’s forgiveness.

 For example, if Shelly was aboard, he’d write “smart mouth” on his pigeon, and then bam!

 I’ve never had it, but there’s no harm in trying something new.

 So, Shelly, what’s up with you and your friend Amy, if you don’t mind a mother prying a bit?

 Oh, that’s a funny turn, isn’t it? You never think about it going the other way. Well, you can’t force things. You need to figure out if you’re in a relationship or if you’re just calling it one. It’s like they say, a cat can have kittens in the oven but that don’t make ’em biscuits.

 It was good. The only thing that would have made it better is if it was cooked and if it was beef. Sheldon, when is your landlord going to fix the elevator?

 Your son seems to think we need to launch a pre-emptive strike on Burbank.

 I couldn’t find you guys so I bought six new friends. Three, sadly, are dead.

 Sheldon, your friend is hurtin’. What do we do when someone’s hurtin’?

 I didn’t get a lot of that because of your accent, but the general tone was soothing and somehow I feel better.

 Sure. One thing you really miss when you’re on vacation is laundry.

 Well, this takes me back. Me doing your laundry, you next to me criticizing.

 Well, it’s super cute on. That top has paid for itself in free drinks like ten times what it cost.

 Oh, not crazy at all. And don’t beat yourself up. When I was your age, you could have me for a car ride and a bottle of strawberry wine.

 Nope. She says if I don’t back out she’s going to go on a hunger strike. It would take years before she’d be in any kind of danger, but still.

 I don’t know, Shelly. I thought we could do a little sightseeing.

 Oh, doctors are always changing their mind. One week bacon grease is bad for you. The next week we’re not getting enough of it. Good morning, Shelly.

 Shelly, I hung out with you in enough dusty lecture halls while you were growing up. I want to go sightseeing. So why don’t you have some pancakes, get dressed and come with us.

 I am not abandoning you. Sheldon, abandoning you is leaving you in a basket on a church doorstep. I am going to Hollywood and thank a wax Ronald Reagan for his service to our country.

 Sheldon, is it possible that your foul mood, or, to use the clinical term, bitchiness, is because your mother isn’t making you a priority?

 Are you sure? The infant-mother pair-bond is the building block of primate psychology.

 Sheldon, we’re all animals. And granted, there are aspects of you that are extraordinary, but when it comes to emotions and relationships, you’re just like everybody else.

 Actually, some research indicates that by not over-thinking, the less intelligent handle emotions better. (He sneezes again) Sure you’re not coming down with a cold?

 Boy, last time I put VapoRub on you, you didn’t have hair on your chest.

 Shelly, you’re not eight years old any more. We have to have a different relationship.

 Mrs. Cooper, were we supposed to take that pie out of the oven?

 Oh. Watch out, Sheldon. This little boy Casper is a g-g-g-ghost!

 Oh. Yeah. That’s gone. It’s a rough month when Halloween and PMS hit at the same time.

 Hey, well, see you. I’m going out. (Starts to go out. Doesn’t.)

 Oh, what the hell. I’m supposed to go see that girl from the comic book store, Alice, but I don’t know if I should, because I’m going out with Priya, but she’s in India.

 Well, they say at the end of your life, you regret the stuff you didn’t do more than the stuff that you did, and I’m pretty sure Alice is the stuff I want to do.

 Do you mind? I’m questioning a lot of things in my life right now.

 Well, I, I’m gonna see you at work in 12 hours, don’t you think it could have waited until then?

 This is adrenaline, we’re gonna have to inject it into his heart.

 You are. I’m not strong enough to get it through his chest plate, and we’ve only got one shot.

 Uh, I was hoping you wouldn’t notice. Irene was always a slave to a good bargain when it came to clothes, and sadly as it turned out, space heaters.

 What would you like to talk about, Sheldon? Why do you hate us?

 Who didn’t? Your skin is like alabaster. Do you even have pores?

 Sheldon, sometimes you forget, I’m a lady. And with that comes an oestrogen fuelled need to page through thick glossy magazines that make me hate my body.

 Your neurology department loaned me a culture of prions for my research on bovine spongiform encephalopathy.

 Please, we’re eating. Can we get that off the table and change the subject?

 Leonard’s coming down the home stretch! Come on, horsey, you can do this! Damn. Come on, thigh muscles, you can do this! Yes! First place. I would have been a great jockey if I weren’t too tall. And scared of horses. Sheldon, you’re up.

 If you’re worried, we can go over there and see if she’s all right.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Bye.

 Penny and Bernadette went shopping for bridesmaids dresses without me.

 It’s just, I thought they liked hanging out with me, but I guess I was fooling myself.

 Sheldon, I’m going to ask you something, and I’d like you to keep an open mind.

 At this moment, I find myself craving human intimacy and physical contact.

 Proposal. One wild night of torrid lovemaking that soothes my soul and inflames my loins.

 How about this? French kissing, seven minutes in heaven culminating in second base.

 Well, he’s smart and crazy enough, he may have actually created a monster. (They enter. Sheldon is by the window.)

 Great. I’ll see you later. And remember, he’s more afraid of you than you are of him.

 I’m going to the movies with Penny. I don’t want her to think that I think it’s a date.

 No, but she might think I think it’s a date even though I don’t.

 If we don’t start soon, George Lucas is going to change it again.

 Still my first choice for an ankle tattoo. Or a dolphin, I go back and forth.

 Come back in, Sheldon, he’s not going to hurt you. He looks friendly. I think he might be someone’s pet.

 Sheldon, the only way to get past this fear is to interact with it. Just like you did with the mailman.

 Look how sweet he is. Come over and say hi. Come on. You can do it. Don’t be scared. Come on. Oh, just pet the bird, you big baby!

 Oh, it’s just like my grandma with her parrot. And after she lost her marbles with her remote control.

 I still think he looks like someone’s pet. Maybe we should put up posters.

 If you’re keeping him, I’ve got a cage you can borrow. One of the test monkeys slipped on a banana peel and broke his neck. It was both tragic and hysterical.

 Sheldon, I’m disappointed. As a brilliant man, you’re entitled to a vice. I could understand frequenting an opium den or hunting your fellow man for sport. But this? Lame-o.

 No. He wanted me to find out if you’d have a problem with him asking her out.

 You know what? Never mind. I’m going to tell him it’s okay to ask her out.

 All right, but just for the record, I checked in with you to see how you’d feel about it.

 Wait a minute. Are you telling me that Sheldon’s patented blend of condescension and no sex isn’t enough to hold on to a woman?

 Please. You’re looking at Facebook to find out how their date went.

 Sheldon, why don’t you just acknowledge that you have feelings for Amy and you don’t want her going out with other men?

 Here’s a radical thought. Go old-school, challenge Stuart to a fight. I mean, nothing makes the ladies hotter than two skinny white guys swatting at each other with their eyes closed.

 Okay, listen to me. Playing games is not gonna help get Amy back.

 All right, honey, let me tell you a story. There was a guy I liked, and I never told him how I felt. Eventually, he started going out with someone else, and I always regretted it. Do you see where I’m going with this?

 Look, Sheldon, all I’m saying is strap on a pair and go talk to Amy.

 Section 5: Hand-holding. Hand-holding is only allowed under the following circumstances. A: Either party is in danger of falling off a cliff, precipice or ledge. B: Either party is deserving of a hearty handshake after winning a Nobel Prize. C: Moral support during flu shots. Seems a bit restrictive.

 Okay. If you can’t get me to stop eating your food, what makes you think you can get me to stop using your Wi-Fi?

 There’s this guy, Jimmy Speckerman, who used to torment me in high school. He sent me a message through Facebook. He’s in town and wants to have drinks.

 Sure. You want to see what all the scientists are wearing this year.

 It’s this Jimmy Speckerman thing. I can’t decide if I should agree to see him or not. Of course that might be because the last time I ran into him, he made me floss with my own shoelaces.

 You know what? I am tired of living in fear of this guy. I’m gonna go see him and finally say all the things I should have said in high school. You know, pick on someone your own size, you did not have sex with my mother, and yes, I do know why I’m hitting myself.”

 Hi. Fellas. Hey, can I get a beer? Wow. Look at you. Little Leonard Hofstadter. I hear you’re a big-time scientist now.

 Okay, here it is. I have this great money-making idea. I just need a gear head to get it to the finish line.

 Aw, come on, you can figure it out. You’re like the smartest guy I’ve ever known.

 I think what he’s trying to say is that maybe in high school you picked on me a little bit.

 Not really, no. It’s funny, huh, Leonard? Back in school, I was the winner and you were the loser. And now we’re reversed. You’re the winner.

 Yeah. It kind of rekindles your faith in the basic goodness of people.

 Yeah, I feel pretty good about myself. You think we can outrun him?

 I’m telling you, dude, there’s a seat on the Hogwarts Express with your name on it.

 Can’t you just enjoy the wonder, Sheldon? Why must you peek behind the curtain? Or up the butt?

 Don’t be so hard on him. It’s natural to be a little cranky when you have a quarter in your ear!

 Ooh, look who’s out on a date. Pasadena’s favourite power couple, Shamy.

 Sounds like you hit the ground running. I have a bit of good news myself. My most recent paper on how a cooperative long-term potentiation can map memory sequences in dendritic branches made the cover of Neuron.

 That’s nice. Anyway, I’ve been dreaming of this day for a long time.

 Sheldon, I’m the sole author on a paper being published in a distinguished journal that may change the course of my field.

 Okay, Amy just told you some exciting news, and you acted like it was no big deal.

 Honey, she’s upset. You’re her boyfriend. You have to at least try to be excited by the things she’s excited by.

 How come you’re not doing a mission? You’re just wandering around.

 Glad I was sitting down for that. Did you and Amy get in a fight?

 No, I can’t. I’m playing Grand Theft Auto later. Look, I’m no expert in women.

 Sometimes with women you want to listen to what upsets them and then show them that you can grow and change.

 Well, you skip over any attempt to repair your emotional connection and you win back her affection with an empty financial gesture.

 Oh, my God, now I know what I sound like to you when I say stupid stuff.

 Eight o’clock. (Sheldon checks pocket watch) Sheldon, that pocket watch is ridiculous.

 You feel like trying something new for dinner? Maybe Indian, Tex-Mex?

 I heard you call her Brown Sugar. In my book, that’s defilement.

 Obviously, when I saw that you were in ours, I went and used another one.

 Me, too. Out of deference to them, let’s not flaunt our happy relationship.

 Sorry. I’m having dinner with Penny. I have to get out of here.

 It’s Ferdinand T. Flag. I thought he might help bring in some younger viewers.

 Night. Attaboy, Hofstadter. Nothing gets the ladies hotter than software development analogies. Hey, I’m back.

 For someone who has a machine that can travel anywhere in time and space, Doctor Who sure does have a thing for modern-day London.

 What’s baffling me is what you could’ve possibly put on the list. Hair too golden? Laugh too musical? World too much a better place for her mere presence in it?

 Oh, fun. I get to spend another night in front of our apartment dressed like one of the Village People.

 You know what, I’m so tired I can’t even think straight. I’m going home. Will one of you guys give this nutbag a ride back later?

 Whatever, Sheldon. I’m exhausted. I’m not taking you to the dentist.

 You know what, I am sick of the roommate agreement. It’s ridiculous. I’m your roommate, not your chauffeur. You know, I had better things to do yesterday than drive you all the way to the good model train store in Garden Grove because the one in Pasadena has gotten too big for its britches.

 I don’t know what that is, but if it means I can go home and sleep, then yes.

 I’m sorry, Sheldon, I’m busy. I’m right in the middle of my addiction study. I’ve got a lab full of alcoholic monkeys, and tomorrow’s the day we switch them to O’Doul’s.

 Uh, not so good. My shrink just killed himself and blamed me in the note.

 Sheldon, I’m working. I can’t take you to the dentist. Also, and I can’t stress this enough, I don’t want to take you to the dentist.

 All right, Sheldon, if you need me to take you to the dentist, I will take you to the dentist.

 Because last month, I sent the electric company a Starbucks gift card, an apology note, and a few snapshots of me in a bra.

 What happened to all your glow-in-the-dark-emergency-exit stuff you had painted on the floor?

 You call that a glow stick? That is a glow stick. Come on, let’s go.

 Ugh. Well, lucky for you, there’s nothing else to do right now.

 Since when don’t you knock? It’s like the only good thing about you.

 Listen, Sheldon, this is stupid. I don’t see why we can’t be friends. And I’m willing to drive you around and help you out with stuff. I just don’t want to do it because of some silly roommate agreement.

 That we go back to the way things were. But when I do something for you, you show a little appreciation.

 I haven’t seen him laugh that hard since the day Leonard made that multiplication error.

 Dr. Cooper, the physics department chair tells me you’re refusing to take your vacation.

 You’re obligated to take one. And I’d also like you to know the most-often received suggestion in my suggestion box you installed without asking me is can Dr. Cooper take a vacation? Okay, settled, then. I’ll see you all on Monday, except for you.

 Read, rest, travel. I hear Afghanistan is nice this time of year.

 What are you going to do when you get to the university? People are going to recognize you.

 Fine. Just get back under your blanket, and I’ll drive you there.

 Sheldon, there are a million great vacations you could take. What about Hawaii?

 How about Florida? They’ve got Cape Canaveral, they’ve got Disney, they’ve got my Aunt Ida and the world’s largest collection of diabetic candy. Plus, if you get sweaty enough, her plastic-covered furniture is like a flume ride.

 Really? What was I doing to your neck last night while you were playing X-Box?

 Everyone in the world of science knows who Richard Feynman was.

 Come on, Sheldon. We can be like Marie Curie and her husband, Pierre, who spent their days working side by side, bathed in the glow of their love and the radium that ultimately killed her. Screw Beauty and the Beast, that’s the love story Disney should tell.

 Oh, I’m gonna be doing some brain stem histology while you put yourself on the business end of a sponge and wash those beakers.

 No, I just need those beakers washed. Hippity-hop, quick like a bunny.

 Sheldon, you’ve never worked in a lab like this before. You have no experience in the field of biology.

 Sheldon, this beaker used to contain cerebral spinal fluid from an elephant that died of syphilis. If it’s, in fact, perfectly clean, drink from it.

 All right, perhaps this task will be a little bit more up your alley. I need you to count the bacteria spores on these petri dishes.

 Hey, I’ve been training in the field of neurobiology for 12 years. You’ve been here for three hours, and you’ve spent one of them in the bathroom.

 Sheldon, I’ve given you the simplest things to do, and you haven’t done one of them right.

 Okay, smart guy. I’m about to remove the locus coeruleus, which is incredibly delicate work. Have at it.

 You’re getting warmer, it is, indeed, in the brain. Hope your hands are steady. It’s the width of a single hair. But this is just biology, so I’m sure it’s no problem for a genius like you.

 All right, Howard Wolowitz, listen up. You sign anything she puts in front of you, because you are the luckiest man alive. If you let her go, there is no way you can find anyone else. Speaking on behalf of all women, it is not gonna happen, we had a meeting. And you, a grown man fainting at the sight of a little blood.

 Do you honestly think you can just waltz back in here after the way you behaved yesterday?

 You’re forgiven. Now, if you want to stay, get started on those beakers. They’re still dirty from yesterday.

 Well, I called dibs at the Chwistmas party when Pwofessor Wothman twied to have intercourse with the toys for tots cowwection box.

 Gentlemen, there’s a task I’m trying to accomplish here, and I’m having trouble doing it.

 Ignore him, Pwesident Siebert. I’m sure a young man such as yourself has a perfectwy healthy pwostate.

 Am I weawing a summer fwock? No, I don’t want tea. Wet’s get down to bwass tacks.

 All right, this is one-on-one. First person to five wins the office. Any questions? Yes, Sheldon?

 All right, we gave it 45 minutes. It’s no longer funny. Let’s try something else.

 I’m happy for you, Sheldon. But I have to admit I’m going to miss sharing an office with you.

 Well, at least you finally got a window that opens. That’s nice.

 If you’re not happy, why don’t you just let Kripke have the office?

 I’m just gonna run to the store and get a few things. I’ll pick you up when you’re done.

 Excuse us for a second. Sheldon, it’s okay, he can do it. He’s a barber.

 Sheldon, you’re a grown man, he’s a professional, and your haircut is number three on that poster from 1946. Just sit down and let him do it.

 So, what kind of things are they… (to Sheldon) will you stop that?

 You know, Sheldon, I used to cut my brother’s hair. I could do it for you.

 I’m a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride. I’m wanted… I’m wanted… wanted, dead or alive. Sheldon, you’re ruining girlfriend-boyfriend sing-along night.

 Well, this isn’t a crisis. Why don’t you just let your hair grow out a little?

 Oh, dear, did we spit out our pills, slip out of the ninth floor, and go on a little adventure?

 Did you have fun? Because if you had fun, then you are, you are a winner. Now that’s, that-that’s what chess is all about.

 You know, Sh-Sheldon, sometimes it’s nice not knowing what’s coming. I mean, look at me and Leonard. We went out, we broke up, now we’re trying again. We don’t know what’s gonna happen.

 I think this could be good for you. Maybe it’s time for you to shake things up a bit.

 Don’t let this be Sheldon playing bongos. Please don’t let this be Sheldon playing bongos.

 Oh, Leonard, it’s three o’clock in the morning. I don’t care if Richard Feynman was a purple leprechaun who lived in my butt.

 W-w-wuh, no, no, hang on,uh, uh, roommate agreement. No hootenannies, sing-a-longs, or barbershop quartets after ten p.m.

 All right, Sheldon, this craziness has gone on long enough. Please come home so I can cut your hair.

 It was a long story. Anyway, Sheldon, I promise I know what I’m doing. Please let me cut your hair.

 Ha, told you. Okay, I’m just gonna clean up your neck a little and then you are good to go.

 Gentlemen, as much as I’m sure Sheldon would enjoy playing intergalactic make-believe, he and I have other plans. We are attending my Aunt Flora’s 93rd birthday party.

 No, hang on. I followed all the protocols set forth by you in the relationship agreement. I made a written record request 72 hours in advance. I checked the tyre pressure on the car. I even contacted the Centres For Disease Control to find out what shots they recommend for travel to Orange County. FYI, it’s none.

 Uh, I don’t know. Could put a tennis ball on the end of Excalibur. Make a pretty badass cane.

 Hmm. Oh, have this collectors edition Batman utility belt. Maybe she can use it as a wearable pill caddy.

 I’d make fun of Sheldon for having girl problems if I wasn’t in shock that Sheldon has girl problems.

 Now, I downloaded an app that might be helpful in this situation. (Phone makes whip sound)

 All right, sweetie, I’m not going to get involved in your relationship.

 Yesterday. You made me look in your ear to see if there was a ladybug in it.

 I think you’re really going to enjoy yourself today. Not only do you get to meet my relatives, but since my aunt’s nursing home is catering the party, all of the food is incredibly soft. It’s like a vacation for your teeth.

 Sheldon, my relatives are going to want to talk to you, and you’re going to be sitting there playing a game? Isn’t that a little rude?

 You know, if playing that game is more important to you than honouring your commitment to me, and you don’t mind me showing up at a party all by myself after I’ve already told everybody I’ll be bringing somebody, then, fine. Go home and play your game.

 Hey, I plan on levelling up in the game, not my swimsuit size, thank you very much.

 Well, we’re always the good guys. In D&D, we’re lawful good, in City Of Heroes, we’re the heroes, in Grand Theft Auto, we pay the prostitutes promptly and never hit them with a bat.

 I had no choice. Last night, she said, why don’t we go out for brunch tomorrow and then maybe the Arboretum. And I said, well, no, I promised the guys I was going to play a video game with them all weekend. And she said, that sounds like fun, can I come, too? And then I didn’t answer for a second, and then she said, well, do you not want me to come? And then I bought her a new laptop and the game, and she’s parking the car right now.

 Uh, it is, but I think you might’ve waited too long for it to be funny. (Whip sound) I was wrong, it’s still funny.

 And if you don’t start treating me better, I’m leaving you for a miniature horse breeder named Armin.

 Okay, you’re right, I eat your food a lot. How about this, you can raid my fridge any time you want.

 Well, can you make it soon. There’s a battle royale going on over the seating charts. In one corner, Bernadette’s mom, and the other three, mine.

 Well, I was thinking about Sheldon’s little joke the other night about me eating all your food.

 Anyway, I got a little residual cheque from my commercial and I thought, hey, how about I get the guys a little thankyou to pay them back. So, Sheldon, ta-da!

 Yeah, it was fun, I walked in and two different guys got asthma attacks. Felt pretty good.

 It is not the only logical explanation. For example, you could be hallucinating after being hit on the head by, say, a coconut.

 I’m not going to dignify that with a response. Now, to the matter at hand. You need to play with the transporter toy.

 Yes, and to open it would destroy it’s value. But remember, like me, you also have a human half.

 I am very disappointed in you. You broke your toy and switched it with Leonard’s. You should be ashamed of yourself.

 If I told you to jump off the bridge of the Enterprise, would you do it?

 Trust me, it gets old after a while. You must right your wrong, Sheldon.

 Fine. I will just use the transporter. Oh, right. You broke it.

 I dunno. I just think it’s a waste. (Picks up box. Sheldon screams.) Relax. I’m just looking at the box.

 Boy, a restraining order from Stephen Hawking. It’ll look so nice next to the ones he’s already got from Leonard Nimoy, Carl Sagan and Stan Lee.

 Sheldon, you’re a condescending jerk. Why on earth would I want to do something nice for you?

 Three times. He begged the Fox network not to cancel Firefly. He begged the TNT network to cancel Babylon 5. And when he got food poisoning at the Rose Bowl Parade, he begged a deity he doesn’t believe in to end his life quickly.

 You don’t seem to be understanding the English word no. Maybe a different language will help. Russian, nyet. Chinese, bu. Japanese, iie. Klingon, qo. Binary coded Ascii, 0110111001101111.

 That’s an interesting idea. Why don’t you give me a minute to talk it over with my friends?

 Well, I thought I’d start you off by polishing my belt buckles.

 Funny thing is, I only have one belt. Anyway, I’ll let you get started. Oh, by the way, the little marks, uh, that look like water spots, I tend to stand too close to the urinal, so what you’re seeing there is splash back.

 Sheldon, these look great. They’re like magnificent little crowns to hang over my magnificent little jewels. How’d you get them so shiny?

 Oh, my dear boy, no. Okay. Next, this is a sexy French maid costume I bought for Bernadette. I thought it might spice things up and get her to dust my room at the same time, but I was wrong and really wrong.

 Yeah, yeah, I know, he’s the wheelchair dude who invented time.

 I don’t understand, why doesn’t Howard just introduce you to the guy?

 I know what it means. And yes, you love correcting people and putting them down.

 Come on, you do it to feel superior. I see that twinkle in your eye when someone says who instead of whom or thinks the moon is a planet.

 It’s this dress. When I put my front in, my back pops out. When I put my back in, my front pops out. It’s like trying to keep two dogs in a bathtub!

 You’re right, who am I kidding? You should have seen me when I was young, Sheldon. The fellas used to line up and bring me boxes of candy. Why did I eat it all? Would you hold me?

 Yeah, I made an adjustment on the motor drive and when I was putting it back together I could not for the life of me figure out where they went.

 I should have sent you to the custom car cover place in Altadena. They have her pattern on file.

 All right, Sheldon, there’s only one thing left I want you to do. Don’t worry, it’s an easy one.

 I gave it to him three days ago. He was really impressed. He wants to meet you.

 My pleasure. I enjoyed reading your paper very much. You clearly have a brilliant mind.

 Your thesis that the Higgs boson is a black hole accelerating backwards through time is fascinating.

 You made an arithmetic mistake on page two. It was quite the boner.

 Okay, uh, I’d pick swan because, uh, the resulting hybrid would have the advanced industrial civilization of a human and the long graceful neck I’ve always dreamed of having.

 Horse, but mostly just for the height. A little bit for the genital girth.

 Also instead of just living in your mother’s house, you could actually live inside her body.

 Anyway, if it’s okay with you, we should talk about Howard’s bachelor party.

 Good for you, Howard. I’m proud of you. And still, you’re the first one of us to get married. We have to do something special.

 Maybe we can go up to Napa Valley. They’ve got that wine train.

 Hey, I got to hand it to Raj, he found a really nice spot to have a bachelor party.

 Well, it was either this or another hot tub party at George Takei’s house.

 Does anyone have any words they’d like to say about our man of the evening?

 Do you think maybe it’s tight because you’re wearing long underwear?

 All right, let me rephrase the question. Why are you wearing long underwear?

 Make all the jokes you want, but there’s only one of us here brave enough to almost do what I almost did.

 Tempting choices, but I have something special planned for tonight.

 With our friends moving forward in their relationships, I’ve decided that we should make progress in ours as well.

 I had a feeling you’d be reluctant, which is why I’m going to dip into my neurobiological bag of tricks.

 I have devised an experiment that I believe will increase your feelings for me in an accelerated time frame.

 Human beings form emotional attachments as they grow up. In your case, to your mother, superheroes, et cetera. I’m going to attempt an experiment that will get you to transfer those feelings to me.

 We’ll see. Let’s start with a little romantic dinner music, shall we?

 Fine. There’s no reason we still can’t have a lovely dinner. Why don’t you have a seat.

 Oh, I know. I think it will go nicely with what I have prepared for dinner.

 Are you? You left your queen exposed from above, you trapped your knight in the corner, and you keep sighing and saying, why me?

 Well, if it makes you feel any better, I screwed things up pretty good with Penny.

 Well, if you had a physical relationship, I’d say propose during sex. Turns out that’s a real mood killer.

 I love his eidetic memory, it’s so sexy. Sheldon, what are the ingredients in Pringles?

 You’re nervous? I’ve been stress-eating for four days. Look at me. I’m wearing my fat pants.

 Look at all these people in love. It kind of gets you thinking, doesn’t it?

 Thank you, Amy. Very touching. Howard and Bernadette, you are lucky enough to be best friends who love each other. And that’s the strongest kind of love because at its core, it has kindness, patience, and respect. Qualities that are hard to find in people these days.

 Right now, Howard’s staring down at our planet like a tiny Jewish Greek god. Zeusowitz.

 Well, hang on. Why do you believe that he knows what it is and I don’t?

 Oh, okay. Sounds like it’s me and you, Sheldon. How about we sic some guppies on those puppies?

 Oh, okay. I’ll just go home and be alone. Which is cool. I eat alone, I sleep alone, I cry alone, so, cool.

 Sheldon, are you sure you want to be bringing Raj on your date night with Amy?

 My pleasure. Waiter? A bottle of champagne and three glasses. Oh, boy, isn’t this romantic?

 You know what’s wonderful about the praying mantis? They devour their mate.

 Sheldon, you either say something meaningful and from the heart, or you and I are done.

 Funny. We’re always giving each other a hard time up here. It’s kind of like being in a frat. You know, joking, kidding around, hurting feelings.

 What’s the big deal? You guys are bringing your girlfriends. I didn’t want to sit by myself.

 Penny said she’s not sure she wants to be Leonard’s girlfriend anymore.

 I’m starting to get a sense of it. Don’t worry. I’ll take you to the dentist tomorrow.

 The guy who seems like an emotionless robot is you, but your relationship with Amy is causing you to transform into a red-blooded man with sexual desires.

 Okay, you listen to me. I think it’s really sweet you’re trying to protect your friend, but this is none of your business. Got it?

 Okay, honey, I have a lot to figure out, and until I do, you are not to say a word to Leonard. Do you understand?

 Yes, you walked around for a week saying, Sheldon unhappy with casting choice.

 Ugh. Hey, Sheldon? Hi. This came for you today. It’s from your mom.

 Mmm, doesn’t matter. Half the time, he just ends up playing with the box.

 August 7, 8:42 a.m. This is humiliating. What was wrong with diapers?

 Of course, it is, it’s been in the news. And it’s a very famous boson.

 You really think there’s some kind of scientific discovery in here?

 So, you’re going to spend hours and hours combing through all this stuff?

 A proof that algebraic topology can never have a non self-contradictory set of abelion groups. I’m just a blonde monkey to you, aren’t I?

 Look, Dr. Cooper, I really want this position. It would be an incredible honour to work for a man of your brilliance.

 Magnets: What Do They Stick To? If the answer is metal, it’s not exactly groundbreaking.

 We’re not kicking him out. Stuart and I have become good friends.

 I don’t have a problem with Stuart. Besides, he gives us a twenty percent discount at his comic book store.

 Hey, Sheldon, you’re always full of fun little facts. Where did the expression got your ass handed to you come from?

 I wonder if it’s from, like, ancient Rome where they’d actually chop somebody’s ass off and then go, here. You know, to appease Loseroneous, the god of losers.

 Mmm, in all fairness, Pictionary has verbal skills, visual skills. It’s a pretty well-rounded game.

 All right, fine, pick another game. Amy and I will beat you at anything.

 We could go to the cadaver lab at UCLA and play real-life Operation.

 Sheldon, we haven’t won a game all night. Now, you either stick your face in that pie or I’m gonna stick that pie in your face.

 To Stuart, your comic book store is out of this world. Just like the guy in this picture was.”

 Have you noticed that Howard can take any topic and use it to remind you that he went to space?

 Anywhere but the Space Station. On a good day, dinner was a bag full of meat loaf. But, hey, you don’t go there for the food, you go there for the view.

 So, listen, Sheldon, I was thinking, since this is gonna be our first Halloween party as boyfriend and girlfriend, I thought it might be fun for us to go in a couples costume.

 Really? I find that inconsistent with everything I know about you.

 Sheldon, when I said couples costume, I meant like Romeo and Juliet or Cinderella and Prince Charming, not two robots from some silly movie I don’t even like.

 I make compromises for you all the time. Just this once, can’t we find something that we’re both happy with?

 So, I thought the photo booth for the party could either be creepy like a mummy’s tomb, or they also have the Tardis from Doctor Who.

 Okay, here it is. Bernadette said you guys are all sick of me talking about my trip to space. Is that true?

 You know what, guys? Never mind. I just won’t talk about the greatest achievement of my life ever again.

 You know salt makes me retain water and my cousin William was ground to death in a pepper factory accident. How about Raggedy Ann and Andy? I loved them growing up.

 No. There are certain things that say to the world, I have a boyfriend, and he’s not made up. Matching costumes, hickeys and sex tapes. Pick one.

 That somewhere right now Stephen Hawking is saying, damn it, I meant to click no.”

 I’m not finishing your sentence. You pulled the plug on my funk.

 Wow, my boyfriend is friends with Stephen Hawking and my new dandruff shampoo doesn’t smell like tar. Everything really is coming up Amy.

 You know, when one male dominates another, his testosterone level rises.

 It’s exciting to think you might be getting a testosterone level.

 Oh, you could turn his act into extract (pronounced with emphasis on act), and it would be for double points.

 The guy’s a genius. Maybe you weren’t challenging enough for him.

 There’s the problem. You can’t beat Hawking like that. He hates to lose. Everyone knows the guy’s a big baby. I mean, forget the wheelchair, he should be in a stroller.

 One time when I was working with him, he said that Johnny Depp was in The Matrix. I told him he was wrong, but he kept insisting. So I looked it up online and showed him. Well, the next day, he had a pizza party, and everyone got invited but me. And then he was all, your invitation must have gotten lost in the matrix.

 Penny started taking a class. She wrote a paper, she didn’t want me to read it, I went behind her back and I read it anyway.

 I don’t know what to do. I mean, the paper’s terrible. But if I tell her, she’ll know that I read it and she’ll get really mad.

 Hang on. Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do. Chess clock. We each get five minutes to talk about our problems. We’ll take turns. Each turn will consist of a statement and a helpful response from the friend. Begin.

 He’s probably busy. You’re worried about nothing. Give it a couple more days. I’m sure he’ll play, and you’ll see that everything’s fine. My turn. I can’t let Penny hand in a bad paper, but how do I tell her it’s bad without letting her know that I read it?

 Maybe since you’re so good, he’s taking his time to meet the challenge. I want Penny to enjoy school…

 Sheldon, I wasn’t done talking. She hands in the paper tomorrow. I know I could help her. And she’s my girlfriend. I, I should be allowed to help her. Why aren’t I allowed to help her?

 Yeah, but if he’s a sore loser, maybe you’re better off without him.

 Hmm, how about, gee, Penny, you’re smarter than I thought. You may be the one in school, but I’m the one who learned a lesson. I’m so stupid, Penny. Duh.

 Don’t worry, it wasn’t terrible. Just, this time, try to say it the way people sound. And action.

 Um, no offence, but I’ve been acting since I was a kid. I think I can handle a Web show without a lot of direction.

 Yes. And so far, we’re still not getting our money’s worth. Let’s try it again. Everybody’s having fun. And action.

 I don’t care for your friend, he’s being rude to me. You need to ask him to leave.

 You sure you wouldn’t rather have dinner with your friend Wil Wheaton?

 Because your friend was rude to her, and then you went to dinner with him.

 I’m not hungry. Your friend insulted me, and you didn’t do anything.

 Sheldon, I’m your girlfriend, and you should have taken my side. That’s it. End of story. Good night.

 I had a feeling we’d have a talk like this sooner or later. Are you finally getting fuzz in weird places?

 Yeah, Amy told me what happened. Look, just apologize. It’ll warm her twaddle.

 Far be it from me to criticize a man with a full pubis. Look, Sheldon, your problem is not Wil Wheaton, okay? Your problem is the way you treated Amy.

 Come on, someone insulted your girlfriend and you just let him do it. I thought you Texas guys stood up for your womenfolk.

 You know, a lot of scientists believe that making contact with other life-forms would probably not end well for us.

 Raj and I are heading over to the genetics lab to pet the glow-in-the-dark bunny. Want to come with us?

 Are you sure? They turn off the lights, and it’s like a cute little laser show that poops all over the place.

 If you’re wondering why I’ve been staring through the peephole, I’m trying to get a look at this guy who’s coming over to Penny’s.

 It’s not a big deal. He’s just in her history class. They’re working on a project together. I don’t even know why I care. You know what, I don’t care.

 Well, yeah, but this isn’t just about looks. I’m, I’m way above average in a lot of other things.

 None of this matters. I trust that Penny cares about me, and nothing’s gonna happen with this guy.

 Yep. For as long as I can keep my mother out of it. If you want to check it out later, it’s parked right out front, space 294.

 Why do you have a parking spot? You don’t have a car. You don’t even drive.

 Sheldon, someday, if you get a car, I’m sure they’ll give you another parking space.

 Well, he’s not wrong. Howard did go to the International Space Station.

 My Iron Man helmet. Koothrappali saw you take it. Give it back.

 Sheldon, that is a five hundred dollar limited edition collectible, and I want it back.

 He wasn’t using it. And I needed a nice cool piece of leather to wiggle my naked ass on.

 This is so exciting. I’m feeling all tingly. Although that could just be my newly defoliated bikini zone.

 Before I park, come in the back seat. I want to show you something I had done today.

 It’s not just a parking spot. He can’t handle the fact that I’m a bigger deal than he is now.

 Oh, like you’ve never thought of doing that. Don’t hate me just because I lived the dream. (Horn beeps. Sheldon is sitting naked in Howard’s car.) 

 I had no idea how much that spot meant to you. Anyway, I called President Siebert and told him it’s not worth fighting over the spot, so you keep it, and I’ll park in the structure across the street.

 Why would it trouble you? It’s, like, your third favourite cartoon theme song.

 It’s torture. Especially with her dad. We have nothing in common.

 But our relationship agreement clearly states that when one of us is sick, the other must take care of them.

 I have to say, I’m finding your bedside manner a little lacking.

 Of course I do. There have been many studies proving its validity.

 Sheldon, this isn’t helping. Why don’t you just let me get some rest.

 Okay, Amy, I brought you some drugs we were working on in the lab. This is proving really good for congestion, but there’s a slight chance it can make your tears burn like acid, so if you take it, happy thoughts.

 Oh, Sheldon, am I glad you’re back. Taking a turn for the worst. I think I’m going to need another bath.

 All right, all right. But I really was sick at the beginning. It’s just been so nice having you take care of me.

 I could not be allowed to go to the opening of the next Star Trek movie.

 I don’t want to disturb the people next door while you discipline me.

 By rolling dice and playing make-believe with little figurines?

 All right, Sheldon, to start our quest you need to open this little Christmas gift I got you.

 It’s actually ho, ho, ho, but you’ll get the hang of it. Thought it’d be fun to make a quest with a holiday theme.

 Okay, there are ogre tracks and a trail of broken candy canes in the snow. Sheldon, what do you do?

 Hey, guys. I don’t mean to interrupt your little game, but I thought you’d like to see what you’re missing out on. So, Bernadette? Bernadette’s wearing leopard-print pumps and a rack-tastic red dress from Forever 21. And there’s Amy, showing all kinds of ankle. In an outfit I’m assuming is from Forever 63. And I, myself am wearing a little number that got me out of two speeding tickets and jury duty.

 I walk up to the large chest, bury my face in it and go “blublublublublublublublu”

 Okay, you leave the room and find yourself standing before a pool of melted snowmen.

 Fine. You leave the room and find yourself standing before a pool of melted snowmen. There are carrots and lumps of coal in the water.

 No, it’s nice to see you enjoying a holiday beverage. Pretty Christmassy.

 Come on, Sheldon. You know all the Christmas stories, and the carols, you’ve got an eggnog moustache going on there. Just admit it. You’re getting a little Yuletide spirit.

 I grew up in a house full of crazy academics. Instead of leaving Santa milk and cookies, we had to leave him a research paper. And in the morning, you could tell he’d been there because the paper would be graded.

 Oh. I’ve been wanting to talk to you. I’m sorry I disappointed you when you were a little boy. I can do a lot of magical things, but unfortunately bringing your Pop-Pop back isn’t one of them.

 Okay, open ’em. (It’s a cannon, pointed at Sheldon) This is for leaving me in the dungeon to be eaten alive by ogres!

 I both hate you and want to be you. This is Ryan Gosling all over again.

 Your assistant is totally hitting on this jerk and he loves it.

 She’s right. But say the word, I got a lab full of cocaine-addicted monkeys with nothing to lose. One of them could end up in the backseat of her car. Or her shower.

 Well, Alex is your employee. If she’s doing something that’s making Leonard uncomfortable, you should talk to her.

 I think it’s pretty wide open. Oh, wait. Here’s something at four o’clock. Give Alex a talking to?

 I’m missing something. (Enters apartment. To Sheldon) Did you say something to Penny about Alex?

 At least I know not to blab to a girl about somebody flirting with her boyfriend.

 I called you in today because your assistant Alex Jensen has lodged a complaint against you.

 Cancel my next appointment. This is gonna take a while. Dr. Cooper, you said things to your employee that you just cannot say in the workplace.

 Well, according to Ms. Jensen, you said that she was a slave to her biological urges and called her an egg salad sandwich. I don’t even know what that means, but I’m gonna go ahead and tell you you can’t say it.

 Whuh-ah! Woah! You can’t talk about that, either, Dr. Cooper. Your language is entirely inappropriate, and I’m gonna advise that you shut your mouth right now.

 Hofstadter… Wolowitz… and the last one was Rajesh Koothrappali?

 I’m sorry, I’m a feminist, I don’t notice things like how many breasts a robot has.

 Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is my Comic-Con makeup. I love you, but there are some things a man doesn’t share with his girlfriend.

 Well, it’s a lot smaller. It’s more about the comic books. The way these conventions used to be before they went all Hollywood.

 Recalculating. While we’re waiting, do you know which president signed the Intestate Highway System Act into law? The answer, coming up in 14 miles.

 What kind of a person steals another person’s car in broad daylight?

 Come on, let’s just start walking. There’s got to be a gas station or something nearby.

 Insurance is gonna buy you a new car. It’s not gonna de-funk my junk.

 What? What about the mission? You said we were a real-life landing party.

 If it’s an alternate dimension, sounds like a job for a landing party.

 What do you think, Sheldon? Want an action figure that looks just like you?

 I have some bad news. You’re working on a gwant pwoposal fow a new fusion weactow. I’m working on a gwant pwoposal fow a new fusion weactow. The university is only awowed to submit one pwoposal.

 Oh, no, no, no, I know this. Uh, hot apple cider with cinnamon sticks?

 What the fwig, Cooper? We were supposed to meet in my office a half an hour ago.

 You think I just few off the turnip twuck? We exchange at the same time.

 Are we going to do this or not? Thank you. So, we wead each other’s work, meet again tomowow?

The monkey in my tobacco study has taken to smoking a pipe. I’m supposed to remove his brain to examine, but it’s hard because now he reminds me of my uncle. You’ve been awfully quiet tonight. Is everything okay?

 All right, well, how was work today? Did you exchange your research with Kripke?

 Sheldon, I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. May I offer you a consoling hug?

 Sheldon, Kripke’s not smarter than you. You just got stuck on a wrong path. Happened to Einstein. He got stuck on the unified field theory for decades.

 Sheldon Lee Cooper, I do not have time for this nonsense. Now, go put your clothes on, get in the car, and lets go to work.

 Cooper, we have a pwobwem. Your work is weawy not at a wevew I expected it to be.

 So my work would suffew, too, if I was getting waid all the time.

 Okay, stop bwagging. You had some bwiwiant insights in here, but if we’re gonna make this work, you need to buckew down and focus.

 All right, I don’t understand. Why didn’t you just tell Kripke the truth?

 Okay. Hang on. Are you saying someday you and Amy might actually get physical?

 Oh, my God! (Out loud) Sheldon, I know this wasn’t easy for you, and I’m really glad we could have this conversation.

 I don’t know why I avoided the Harry Potter books for so long. These are great. I just started number six.

 What is wrong with you? If I did that, you’d bitch about it for weeks.

 You are unbelievable. I don’t know why I put up with you. You’re controlling, you’re irritating.

 You know what? Screw you, Sheldon. You are the most annoying person I have ever met.

 I don’t care. I don’t have to do anything you say because I don’t think I want to live here anymore.

 What if you could find a roommate who was a scientist and already familiar and comfortable with your ways?

 Think about it, Sheldon. I’m not a stranger, we’re intellectually compatible, I’m willing to chauffeur you around town, and your personality quirks, which others find abhorrent or rage-inducing, I find cute as a button. What do you think?

 See? You can’t. I’m gonna go see if Leonard’s room is big enough for my water bed.

 Well, maybe he doesn’t know how to say it without hurting her feelings.

 No, I don’t want to break his heart. I love him. This is just happening too fast.

 Yeah, and I’ve seen those legs. You might want to get some Drano.

 Well, I don’t know what else we can do but tell them the truth.

 Here you go. I picked up the Chinese food just the way Leonard used to.

 Oh, and, uh, check this out. I took the liberty of scripting a new outgoing voice mail message for both of us.

 What? Why? Is it the message? I only used urban slang to sound tough so people wouldn’t break in.

 Well, what is it, then? I did everything just the way you like it.

 Then what the hell, Sheldon? We have been going out for over two years, and I have been nothing but patient with you. I watch your dopey space movies. I signed your ridiculous contract. I even stopped wearing lip gloss ’cause you said it made my mouth look too slippery. I am the best girlfriend you’re ever gonna have. You give me one good reason why I can’t live here.

 Oh, don’t get all huffy. You’re the one who decided to move in without even asking me if I was ready.

 And since you love the truth so much, why don’t you tell Amy you don’t want to live with her instead of blaming it on me?

 I concur, but you changed the subject. What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

 Oh, Dr. Cooper, thank you. I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to contribute to your scientific work.

 You realize I passed up an opportunity to work at Fermilab to take this job with you.

 Okay, I think I have some really great choices. I went on Amy’s Facebook page and read up on her interests.

 Well, um, I know she loves playing the harp, so I found this beautiful music box that plays one of her favourite songs.

 So I found this cool map that illustrates the character’s journey through England. I thought we could put it in a really nice frame.

 Okay. Well, uh, luckily, I saved the best for last. Since Amy’s a neuroscientist, I did some research and found out that Santiago Ramon y Cajal, the father of modern neuroscience, did lots of hand drawings of brain cells. And I managed to find this signed print.

 Hang on. As you know, I had planned a traditional evening of romance and gifts.

 And I appreciate your effort, but upon contemplation, I decided I was being selfish. So, I cancelled our dinner reservations and came up with an even better way to celebrate Valentine’s Day.

 By doing none of it. No dinner, no romance, no gifts. We stay here, order a pizza and watch one of your beloved Star War Trek things.

 I’m your girlfriend. That’s my job. And I know gift-giving puts a lot of pressure on you, so whatever you got me, you can return.

 In case of emergency, please contact… Amy Farrah Fowler. And there’s my phone number. This is the most beautiful gift you could’ve ever given me.

 Yeah, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been at a party where everyone’s talking about flags and I just couldn’t join in.

 I just think it might look more natural if you talked to me instead of the camera, you know, like, like a real conversation. It’s something we work on in my acting class.

 Yeah, let’s try it again, and maybe, this time, you could work on your body language a bit. You know, when you’re all hunched like that, you’re shutting the audience out, but when you’re relaxed and open, you’re inviting them in.

 Um, well, I’m from Nebraska. So what can you tell me about the state flag?

 Fine. Just hold on. Mommy’s on the phone! Sorry. We’ve cut the monkeys down to one cigarette a day, so things are a little intense. Makes me miss my marijuana-abusing flatworms. Those guys were mellow.

 Because she’s your friend, and she did a nice job. I’m sure she’d like to hear it.

 You need me to shut the door so you can do your knocking thing?

 Hey, my acting class is putting on a play Friday night. I could put you and Amy on the guest list.

 Sheldon, that’s very rude. She helped you with your show. The right thing to do is reciprocate by going to see her play.

 Just so you know, this is not a stupid play. A Streetcar Named Desire is an American classic.

 …when I was a very young girl. When I was 16 years old, I made the discovery, love. All at once, and much, much too completely. It was like you suddenly turned a blinding light on something that had always been half a shadow. That’s how it struck the world for me. But I was unlucky. Deluded.

 Come on, if I was any good at convincing women to do stuff, I wouldn’t have spent so much of my twenties in the shower.

 Oh, like yesterday, when you made me drive you to the dry cleaners, the pharmacy and the post office?

 You don’t think it’s worthwhile to try to get more women working in science.

 Got it. All right, I’m thinking one way to counter bias in the peer-review process, is for papers to be submitted under gender-neutral names. Like S. Smith instead of Samantha Smith.

 Guys, please don’t make this a school project where I’m the smart kid doing all the work while the slackers sit back and watch.

 Guys, our topic is encouraging women in science, can you at least play a less sexist game

 Not to mention she has mammary glands that could nurse a family of 30. And have enough milk left over to open a Baskin Robbins.

 Sheldon, you’re always saying how much smarter you are than me. Spend five seconds and come up with one idea on how to get more women into science.

 That’s great, try to set up something for the three of us to go over there.

 Well, they’re actually pretty excited. I’m their most famous alum. If you don’t count the serial killer who ate all those prostitutes.

 Okay, who’s ready for some science? Me, too. Okay, I am Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. I am here with my friends Dr. Cooper and real-life astronaut Howard Wolowitz, and we are going to show you girls how cool a job in science can be. How cool, you ask? Well, how about negative 273 degrees, ’cause that’s the temperature at which entropy reaches its minimum value. Did I just learn something new and have fun doing it? What? All right. So now let’s bring out theoretical physicist Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

 Thanks. And, Sheldon, I know tonight’s the night you eat Thai food, so I went to the Asian market, got all the ingredients and made it from scratch.

 Oh, well, I’m sure they wouldn’t have tasted nearly as good if I hadn’t tried your food first.

 Oh, it’s okay, I’m used to it. The other day at Whole Foods, he spent an hour optimizing the cheese aisle.

 That’s what you said five minutes ago. Amy and Penny are already in the car. Let’s move it.

 You know, if he really wants to stay and finish, I can give him a ride home.

 Oh, my God, it’s beautiful. Look, he found the juggling pins I hid.

 If I wanted to know, I would’ve opened it years ago. The closet looks great. Let’s get out of here.

 Come on. Look, the letter was found in Bernadette’s closet. Doesn’t that count for something?

 One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. I meant, golly, Sheldon, you’ve been gone a long time.

 We were all thinking it, really. It was kind of the elephant in the room, so…

 It was a letter explaining that your dad wasn’t who he said he was. Eventually, his other life caught up to him, and the only way to keep you and your mom safe was to leave.

 If you’d let me pierce your brain with a hot needle in the right place, you’d be happy all the time.

 Only if you’re this jellyfish which periodically reverts to a mass of undifferentiated protoplasm.

 In wieu of fwowers, the department chair is asking that evewyone donate a bottle of Febweze.

 And turned into a puddew of goo. Now, we can either sit awound and cwy over spilt pwofessor, or we can wejoice in the knowwedge that a tenured position has just opened up. I choose to do the watter.

 Well, I believe people do their best work when they feel safe and secure.

 Yeah, me neither. It should be about the work. And if I can’t get tenure, I’d like to see you or Sheldon get it.

 Or you take advantage of your newfound economic stability and move out, buy a house, get married. start a family.

 You know, if you really want tenure, maybe you should cozy up to the people making the decision.

 God, they’re everywhere. Come in. Dr. Cooper, how can I help you?

 Well you better have a good excuse this time, because trimming Q-tips to fit your ears right is obvious nonsense.

 Of course it would. I’m well-versed in academic politics, and as a respected scientist, I can only raise your stock as a candidate.

 The fact that there are so many people here tonight doesn’t make us cranky and claustrophobic. It makes us?

 Unbelievable. You have some nerve showing up here just to schmooze with the tenure committee.

 Excuse me. I’m here to pay my respects to Professor Tupperware, or whatever his name is.

 She plans on flirting with members of the tenure committee to further Leonard’s cause.

 You two should be ashamed of yourselves. Using women to advance your cause with sexuality, and whatever Amy plans on doing.

 Well, you’ll always be an academic success, but I seriously question whether you’ll make any more friends.

 Well, despite your quirks, the three of you are very accomplished in your respective fields.

 You’re welcome. (Sheldon attempts a jive handshake) I’m gonna pretend that didn’t happen.

 Yeah. Uh, maybe we were hacked. You know, the Chinese have been hacking everything lately.

 I don’t know. It’s a fat guy on a Segway. That’s funny everywhere.

 You know, if you’re trying to make space on the DVR, why don’t you just get rid of some of the stuff you’ve already watched? Like, um, Alphas.

 I’m sorry you’re upset. You know, Sheldon, sometimes people seek the comfort of physical contact in moments like this.

 Okay. Well, what I think is going on here is you have a pathological need for closure.

 You know, I might be able to help you with this. There’s a whole field of behavioural neuroscience that examines ways to retrain your neural pathways so stuff like this bothers you less.

 I’ve come up with a series of exercises to help with your compulsive need for closure.

 All I’m saying is, we live in a world where closure isn’t always an op…

 I’m going to recondition your brain so that the need for completion isn’t so overwhelming.

 And that’s exactly the feeling we want to address with this course of treatment.

 Okay, Sheldon, make a wish and blow out the candles. Oops, missed one. Now your wish can’t come true.

 Sheldon, you big weirdo, I want you to know that I love that you’re in my life.

 Aw, so cute when you use the word cool wrong. Like when kids say pasghetti.

 It would be pretty awesome to hang out with him. I just used awesome wrong, didn’t I?

 Well, I hope I haven’t, uh, kept the kids waiting too long for, for the show.

 You, you get bit a lot. Let me see if, if I have this straight. You, you two are, are physicists, and you, and you want me to do a children’s science show?

 You know, I’m a real scientist. I, I have a PhD from Cornell University.

 No. Look, guys, keep your money. I, I think, uh, I, I think I’m done.

 I don’t know. I think I’m just, I, I just, I just don’t want to be Professor Proton any more.

 What, what has it ever gotten me? I mean, I’m, I’m an 83-year-old man who has potatoes in, in his suitcase. Other scientists think, think I’m a joke. And the, the puppeteer who did, who did Gino, well, he also did my wife.

 I’ll, I’ll give you a hint. I have a bracelet with my own address on it.

 I bet there are important discoveries being made every day because you inspired millions of kids to pursue science. In a way, their discoveries are your discoveries.

 Well, at, at this point, I’m just glad someone’s carrying me down the stairs.

 Well, I’m, I’m booked to do a children’s party tomorrow, and, um, frankly I, you know, I, I don’t feel up to it.

 Thank you. Anyway, uh, I mean, you know my act better than anybody. I was, I was hoping that maybe, you know, maybe you’d fill in for me.

 Oh, that’s nice. But relax, sometimes change is good. Uh, you were worried about Zachary Quinto being the new Spock, but you wound up liking him.

 We’ll be fine, watch. Suddenly, a spectral shape rises from Koothrappali’s bloody corpse, and says, (Raj voice) don’t worry, buddies, ghost Raj will help guide you through the forest. (Nicolas Cage voice) Well, I’m just a tree, but if I were you, I’d listen to your ghost friend.

 Hey, I always did sound effects. A-A swarm of bloodthirsty bats fly through the dungeon. (Clicking sounds) Uh, uh, they attack a nearby unicorn. (Strange howl)

 You guys enjoy your evening. I’m gonna go before I ruin anybody else’s weekend.

 No, no, no, Amy, wait. I know it’s not the night you had in mind, but why don’t you guys stay and play with us? It’ll be fun.

 What’s the big deal? Raj bailed, so we could use some extra players.

 Okay, here we go. You find yourselves face-to-face with two hulking ogres. What are you doing in our dungeon? You shall die!

 Fifteen’s the point, the point is fifteen. Give the little lady some room, here it is, coming out. Sixteen! Yes! Oh, please tell me we’re playing for money.

 Seventeen, the larger ogre is dead. The-the other ogre says, you killed my brother, now Ogre Thanksgiving is ruined.

 But wait., he’s not dead. He crawls out, spreads his wings and prepares to attack.

 Fine. (Christopher Walken voice) You’d think, after all these years, I’d know not to fly over volcanoes. I’m a freaking idiot.

 Oh, yeah? Well, when we get home, I’m gonna take you on a whole different adventure.

 I’ll tell you what they think. They think our relationship is a joke.

 Interesting that you would bring that up when I might go work on a boat.

 I know what you’re doing. You don’t want me going on this research trip because you’re afraid to be alone.

 Look, I appreciate your signature blend of concern for me and incredible selfishness. If I get the chance to do this, there is nothing you can say that’s going to stop me.

 There’s beer in the fridge. Anyway, you guys really don’t need to make a big deal.

 The only person allowed inside this head is Dr. Phil. Anyway, I, I spoke to my new lady friend about meeting you all, and she thought it would be easier for her to start with just one.

 A, that was not a joke, that was a sincere request. And B, more importantly, I was the outsider to this group, and I know how frightening that can be. But you guys took me in and made me feel loved, like I was family.

 Honey, this is a big deal for Leonard, okay? He gets to work with Stephen Hawking. Who, by the way, will not be on the boat. I checked it out.

 Look, sweetie, this is a natural thing to feel, okay? But just because good things are happening to Leonard doesn’t take anything away from you. You know what? Let me tell you a little story. Once there was a girl who worked at the Cheesecake Factory, and she wasn’t very good at her job.

 It wasn’t me. But she was also an actress, and we were both up for the same part in a toothpaste commercial. She got it. Look, I was so jealous. But instead of ripping out her fake blonde hair…

 I, looked her in the eye, smiled and said, I’m happy for you. Because that’s what friends do.

 She is. She’s just running a little late. You know how it is, girls always fussing about their hair, their makeup. She’ll be here. Just give it a rest, okay?

 Thank you, Sheldon. That must’ve been very hard for you to say.

 Anyway, we can e-mail, and I think the phone connections are pretty good.

 Okay, I’m hanging up now. You know there’s no such thing as a k… (Leonard is attacked and dragged into the sea by a huge tentacle. Sheldon wakes up in bed.)

 Thanks. Oh, Sheldon, since Amy’s out of town, would you like to join us?

 Why don’t you just admit you only want to play this game because you always play it with Leonard and you miss him?

 I wasn’t going to get alcohol. Gosh, I wonder what Leonard’s doing right now. I miss him so much.

 I can’t believe it. All this time I’ve been doing nothing but sit around and miss that guy. And you know what the worst part is?

 No. Yeah. But you know what the second-worst part is? He does not miss me at all.

 No. Come on, you’re supposed to say, of course he misses you, the only reason he’s partying is to cover up his pain.

 This is ridiculous. Why am I upset just because he’s off having a good time?

 Okay, that, that’s great. You can stop trying to make me feel better now.

 No. Come on, let’s talk about our lives. Tell me something about you I don’t know.

 Okay, that, that’s a good start, but I was thinking maybe something a little more personal.

 Okay, look, here’s something people do not know about me. When I first moved out to L.A., I did a topless scene in a low-budget horror movie about a killer gorilla. Ugh! After I did it, I felt so ashamed. Thankfully, that thing never came out.

 Sheldon, you are right. I’m really sorry. I should’ve known better.

 Okay, well, I don’t know how much you want to spend, but I do have this pretty cool Aquaman statue.

 Yeah, just as well. It’s a pretty rare piece. I’d rather just sell it to a real collector.

 Oh, I shouldn’t even have mentioned it. How about a Batman squirt gun?

 Well, we’ve all seen your mom. That Butterball turkey was bound to come home to roost.

 All right, Sheldon, you win. I’m sure Leonard is gonna love this.

 Ooh, yeah, I don’t know. This squirt gun, it’s, uh, it’s pretty rare.

 Oh. Okay. Well, here’s, um, thirty something cents and a promise I won’t call your boss and tell him you reek of marijuana.

 Yeah, thanks, but I kind of feel like eating alone tonight, so…

 Uh, yeah, it sounds fun, but no thanks. (Toilet flushes) Have a good night!

 No. No, no, no. You know what? The toilet’s been doing that. I called the building manager, so…

 Yeah, no, no, no. You know what, Sheldon, it’s okay. You don’t have to go into the bathroom.

 Oh. Well, you know, I, I’ve got two hands and a bit of a drinking problem.

 Okay. Look, honey, I promise there’s no one’s here. I‘ve had a long day. I just want to have a quiet dinner by myself.

 Oh, and here’s a fun thing. I worked it out so that there are two different words for spoon, planko and janko. Planko is a spoon with food, janko is a spoon without food. Janko is spelled with a silent ptang. Sheldon, you’re not even listening to the rules of my made-up language.

 I’m sorry, Sheldon. I should’ve told you I was back. I just wanted to have a couple days alone with Penny.

 That is not fair. I complain about what a burden it is at least once a month.

 Come on, this is silly. Hey, um, I brought you back a little present from my trip, huh? It’s that sailor cap that you wanted. It’s neat, huh?

 You know what? I’m not driving you to work, because you’re incredibly annoying.

 I don’t know what succubus is, but it has suck in it, so that can’t be good.

 Come on, don’t be like that. We had so much fun together the last couple of months.

 That’s so great. If you guys prove the existence of Unruh radiation… Hey, hey, hey, hey. My eyes are up here.

 Uh, can I just say, I’ve missed all of us hanging out together.

 No, you weren’t because it was a week ago and nobody came. So, if you want to solve the mystery of who stabbed Koothrappali in the back with the weapon of indifference, it was all of you.

 Okay, everybody. Who’s ready for a scavenger hunt? (Pumping disco music) Somewhere in the city of Pasadena, I’ve hidden a golden coin. You will be faced with a total of ten puzzles. Each p… (cough) each, each puzzle will lead you to the location of the next, the last of which will lead you to the coin. The first team that finds it wins.

 No, no. Let’s mix things up. I choose Sheldon, and we’re gonna kick your ass!

 All right, hurry up and close the door so they can’t hear us. Would you stop pouting? So, you picked my name. Get over it.

 All right, teams. Get ready to open your first puzzle. Go. Do you see what I did? The first puzzle is a puzzle. Oh, my God, how adorable is that? I wish I had a friend like me.

 Well, there’s no right way, Sheldon. I already found a few pieces that fit.

 Ooh, ooh, it’s the comic book store. All right, come on, that’s where we have to go.

 It’s the comic book store, it’s the comic book store, it’s the comic book store.

 Hey, Princeton, look at that, Team Community College Night School is in the lead.

 Aha. Okay, let’s see. To continue on your quest, leave no stone unturned. Ooh.

 Oh. Okay. Sheldon, I, I’ve got to ask, how did you figure out that it was the geology lab?

 Because you were about to quit like a big, Sheldon, cover your ears.

 Hey, I am every bit as much of a man as Penny. Now, let’s do this.

 I enjoyed it. When you told me I was going to be losing my virginity, I didn’t think you meant showing me Raiders of the Lost Ark for the first time.

 All right. Indiana Jones plays no role in the outcome of the story. If he weren’t in the film, it would turn out exactly the same.

 So you’re looking to ruin something for her in the funny pages?

 Maybe they fell in love with him as a puppy and didn’t know how big he was gonna be.

 I’ll see you later. I gotta go watch a stupid football game with Penny.

 Well, the last time you made an unscheduled video-chat, there was a curly fry in your regular fries and you thought someone might be trying to slip you a mickey.

 I love Little House. It made me want to live on a farm so much I tried to milk my cat. That tangy bowl of Cheerios was not worth the stitches.

 You’re trying to get back at me for what I said about Raiders of the Lost Ark.

 Sheldon, we’re in a relationship. When you get angry, just tell me. You don’t need to seek revenge.

 Wait, wait, if it wasn’t for Indiana Jones, the ark would never have ended up at the warehouse. 

 It’s actually steamier than it looks. Sheldon’s looking up the phallic symbolism of root vegetables in Renaissance paintings.

 How do you not tear off his clothes and take him right here on this table?

 I’ve been invited to consult on an experiment at your university for a few months. Isn’t that great? We could have lunch together. We could carpool. 

 Well, this project would have us working in close proximity to one another. And there’s the vulgar adage that one should not defecate where one eats.

 Sheldon, don’t defecate where you eat means don’t have a romantic relationship in the workplace.

 I’m relieved that you don’t have a problem with us working together.

 Are you crazy? You don’t want your girlfriend at work with you. Hell Clam.

 No, no, I think it’ll be great. Maybe next time he gets conjunctivitis at work, she can hold his head and try to put the drops in his eyes. Giant baby.

 Yeah, I know, and it drove me into the arms of another woman. Bipolar Bear.

 I don’t mind. I’m hoping to put his love of repetition to good use someday.

 Sheldon, I don’t understand. I thought you said you were fine with it.

 Sheldon, you don’t have to worry about me bothering you. I’ll be in a different building. And we don’t even have to have lunch together.

 Yes. Before all things, I’m a scientist. I’m just there to do my work and, with a little luck, scare the living crap out of some monkeys.

 No, no, listen to me. Sheldon misunderstood. What I meant was, if we worked together, there’d be too much of me for you, not the other way around.

 Okay, fine. I did say that, and I think it’s true. I think if we worked together and lived together, we’d get sick of each other.

 I mean, you know, Sheldon, none of this would’ve happened if I hadn’t tried to help you.

 Smart. Take relationship advice from a man who spent last night braiding Raj’s hair.

 Test subject D7, aka Betsy, fear response study. Image number one, Frenchman on bicycle carrying baguettes. No visible reaction. Image number two, sousaphone. Still no reaction. Okay. Let’s kick things up a notch. Image number three, crocodile with a mouthful of monkeys. Okay, now we’re talking.

 Determining baseline fear levels in capuchin monkeys by measuring their response to visual stimuli.

 I can’t leave now, Sheldon. I’m very busy. Besides, why would I want to do you a favour after the way you treated me in the cafeteria? Image number four, boa constrictor. 

 You embarrassed me in front of my colleagues on my first day here. Image number five, kitten in a teacup.

 You know what? I don’t have time for this. Find another way home.

 Sheldon, I’ve known you a long time, and I’m going to tell you this with all the love I can possibly muster. Amy’s right. You’re wrong.

 Well, for starters, you’ve broken up with me so many times, which first date are we talking about?

 Sheldon, I know you’re in the zone, but do you want some tea? All right, I can’t believe I’m gonna say this, but you haven’t spoken in hours and I’m starting to get worried. Please say something.

 Holy crap, Sheldon, did you just figure out a method for synthesizing a new stable super-heavy element?

 Yeah, I read your paper online. That technique for creating a new heavy element is inspired.

 You and me both, brother. It doesn’t matter. The element was found because of you, and that’s groundbreaking.

 You know, Sheldon, in neuroscience, we’re forever finding something in one part of the brain that we thought was someplace else.

: You got to stop beating yourself up over this. I mean, you made a mistake, but it was a happy mistake.

 Oh, people get things they don’t deserve all the time. Look at me with you. 

 Buddy, I don’t think you can. I mean, once it’s out there, it’s out there. This thing is like the science equivalent of a sex tape.

 I’m getting worried about Bernadette. I’m gonna call and check on her.

 Sheldon, I’ve been thinking about it, and you’re right. You don’t deserve any credit. All you did was misread some numbers on a table. A very easy table, too. Honestly, I’m embarrassed for you.

 If I didn’t have you, life would be blue, I’d be Dr. Who without the TARDIS.

 That’s because you’ve never seen him on restock the medicine cabinet day.

 Oh, Gas-X has a new ultra strength. I guess they really do read their mail.

 Hey, Sheldon, let’s go mock the people buying homeopathic medicine, you love that.

 He’s working on a paper about nano vacuum tubes, and wants to know if I’d take a look at it.

 Have you ever thought about why Arthur didn’t want you to read his paper?

 From what I saw the other day, I could understand why he and some people might find you…

 Sheldon, in a couple hours I have to get up, pee and then wander around the house.

 You know, if it’s all the same with you, I, I think I’ll, I’ll stick with Leonard.

 I’m sorry, Dr. Jeffries, I’m just excited. This nano vacuum tube idea of yours is, it’s really interesting.

 Yeah, me, too. Somewhere around the third floor I began to see a, a white light.

 No, I, I, I was thinking, if it isn’t too much trouble, I’d like to get your opinion about my, my paper.

 Why? Because I got an ugly, itchy sweater, and my brother got a car? No, I was her favorite.

 No, no, no, I, I looked, and there’s, there’s, there’s no more tickets.

 Okay, okay. I’m gonna show you what’s in the box. But just promise not to flip out.

 Okay, Sheldon, I know I was supposed to return this DVD a long time ago, and I know we rented it on your card. But it’s been, like, seven years and clearly nothing bad has happened. So in-in-in-instead of being a giant pain in the ass like you always are, what if this one time you just tried staying calm?

 So, when you say you’re not going to freak out about the DVD, here’s what that means. Don’t fixate on it. Don’t wake me up in the middle of the night. Or nag me through the door while I’m on the toilet.

 When I broke my arm I used to stick a coat hanger down there. You ever try that? Maybe go in through the ear?

 You got it. If this sweater shuts you up, I’m gonna make a fortune selling them to everyone we know. Now all I need to do is head down to the video store and return the DVD.

 I must say, Sheldon, you’re handling this DVD business with an impressive amount of maturity.

 I’m gonna go with sad. So what’s the story with you and this DVD?

 I think the real question is, why do you waste your time with cheap, childish pranks?

 Okay, Sheldon, I am out of options. Video store owner, Nursis Manookian, has no next of kin.

 Oh, oh, no, no. It’s because I spent all afternoon at the Armenian church where his funeral mass was held. According to Father Solakian, no one attended. Luckily, my trip wasn’t a complete waste. I lit a candle and prayed for your death but I’m not Armenian, so it probably won’t work. This is over, right?

 Listen to me, Sheldon. I am not going to Lebanon to return Super Mario Brothers the movie.

 Why isn’t this bothering you? Isn’t your brain getting itchy? This is on your card. This could be ruining your credit score. Why isn’t this making you crazy?

 Mmm. I’m gonna say not. That’s just based on me trying to roll my mom over when she’s snoring. Speaking of that big side of beef, uh, she’s invited all of you to Thanksgiving at her house.

 Please? Bernadette’s bringing her dad ’cause her mom’s out of town, and I never have anything to say to that guy.

 It’d actually be nice to not hear Sheldon complain about my cooking all day.

 Are you honestly comparing Thanksgiving dinner at Wolowitz’s mom’s with one of the greatest tragedies in the history of mankind?

 Sheldon, that’s completely inappropriate. You can’t keep comparing yourself to a slave.

 It says here you can get an annulment if any of the following conditions are met. Were you unable to consummate the marriage?

 I’m trying to watch the game. Shut up. Oh, how do you not make a first down there?

 Yeah, that’s why. You remember the Thanksgiving game when it snowed in Dallas?

 Oh, thanks. So, if your dad died when you were 14, you were never old enough to have a beer with the man.

 I don’t know what’s scarier, the bathroom clowns or the woman that put them there.

 Hey. Howie says you’ve been making fun of him all day. Now, both of you apologize right now.

 All right, mister, I think you owe Howard and Bernadette an apology.

 Hey, Sheldon, what do you say we go outside and throw around the old pigskin?

 This is Science Friday. I’m Ira Flatow. My guest today is responsible for the discovery of the first stable super-heavy element. Welcome, Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

 So, I understand that you actually discovered this element by mistake.

 And some people in the science community are calling it The Wonder Blunder.

 It’s just such a fascinating story. Your calculations are way off, but they find the element anyway. It’s like misreading a treasure map and still finding the treasure.

 That’s interesting, but this could be taking you down the path toward a Nobel Prize. And in chemistry, no less. And wouldn’t that be unusual? Because you’re a physicist.

 I know you don’t like it, but every time you do an interview, it raises the profile of the university. That translates to funding.

 How can you not be happy? You’re tall, thin and famous. Oh, my God, I’m jealous of Sheldon.

 Amy said you were having a rough time, and I thought maybe we could talk. Is that okay?

 I remember why it’s been a while. Sheldon, I was actually talking about when I was a kid on Star Trek.

 Well, not everybody felt that way. A lot of people really hated the character, and some of them hated me because of it. I would do interviews, and people would be mean to me.

 I’m just saying that there was a time when I thought I would never get out of Wesley Crusher’s shadow. But now, it’s just one small part of a pretty great life, and it’s a part that I’m happy is there.

 Well, you’re about to be in an even better one. I didn’t want to say anything until I knew for sure, but, I’ve been re-running the tests on your element in my lab and I disproved it. Your element does not exist.

 Yeah, it turns out someone added simulated signals to the data files. They faked the results.

 Yes. Do you know what that means? That means all of this attention that you hate goes away.

 I, I don’t understand. All you’ve done since you discovered this stupid element was complain. I was trying to make you happy.

 Oh, there is no winning with you. And koalas and otters don’t even live near each other.

 The, the element never existed. I didn’t take it away, science took it away. Be mad at science.

 It’s like if you’re dating someone you’re not that into, and then they break up with you and then you want them more than ever.

 Okay, Sheldon, what do you want me to do, hide the information? If I don’t publish it, it’s just a matter of time before someone else does.

 Hey. I just wanted to let you know that I, I posted my findings.

 Is? Is that a wefewence to my speech impediment? That’s pwetty hurtful. I, I can’t contwol it.

 Sheldon, it’s a beautiful night. Why don’t you and I go for a nice walk together?

 You know, I’d really like to hear it from Dr. Hofstadter, if it’s okay with you.

 Oh, she’s pregnant? That’s great. You’re gone an uncle. Uncle Sheldon.

 Well, congrats, and it’s nice you’re gonna be there for your sister.

 You know, many people believe that home births are better because the mother is in a warm, comfortable environment where she can be nurtured by loved ones.

 Shelly, come on. Your sister’s fully dilated and she wants a nice family picture before there’s blood everywhere.

 Sheldon Lee Cooper. You get back in this room right now. And bring a mop.

 Well, you always complain that you never had an intelligent role model growing up, and now you can be one for your nephew.

 Hmm. Can we maybe put the phones down and have an actualhuman conversation?

 If you’re really desperate to meet women and like having food eaten out of your mouth, I could set you up with my mom.

 Oh, that’s so sweet of you, but I was gonna steal food from here. You know, my treat.

 Are you set on people laughing with you? ‘Cause if you’re cool with at you…

 I know, but you’re going to be a TV star and you haven’t left me yet. That takes guts.

 This doesn’t make any sense. I mean, I, I thought I did a, a really good job, I… Excuse me.

 Well, that makes sense. The prefrontal cortex is responsible for planning and anticipation, and patients with brain lesions on their…

 Okay, the notion that you can read a few books and come up with a definitive theory of comedy is absurd. I mean, humour is a complex neurological… (Sheldon drops his trousers) Okay, that’s pretty good.

 That’s it? You’re not gonna make some dumb joke or some inappropriate comment?

 Okay, listen, I don’t mean to diminish what you’re going through, but I’m a little distracted right now.

 Do you really think there’s gonna be a breakthrough without you there to do it?

 Oh, I have a ton of errands to run. I need to make copies of my headshot, send them off to agents and sign up for a new acting class.

 Before we begin your guided meditation, close your eyes and picture yourself in a peaceful environment.

 Now, take a deep, relaxing breath in through your nose. And let it out.

 Because Leonard just pissed me off. Am I being an idiot or not?

 Thank you. I needed to hear that. Why can’t Leonard understand it?

 And hold three, two, one. Very good. Now let’s try Warrior 2. And hold.

 For some reason, we’re planning a future where we both live with Sheldon forever.

 Look, I know you think I’m being reckless, and you might be right, but I need to take this shot.

 They sell out incredibly fast, but as long as one of us gets in, we can buy passes…

 Oh, guys, this is really sad. And in a different way than it was twenty minutes ago.

 Sheldon, just come with us. You’re not gonna make your own convention.

 Did you tell them that you’re holding your convention at a Marie Callender’s, and that every panellist gets a free slice of pie?

 Look, even your friend Wil Wheaton thinks this is a waste of time.

 Sheldon, buddy, I just don’t think this is going to come together for you.

 Oh, and I thought our days of pretending to be with women who don’t exist were over.

 Sheldon, I don’t care if you get scalped tickets with us or not, but please don’t be creepy and go stalking this poor guy. You’re gonna get in trouble.

 Let me guess. You like Star Wars. You know, I’ve been in other movies. But you don’t care about those, do you? I have one thing to say to people like you. I like Star Wars, too. Care to join me?

 You know, when I first read the script for Empire Strikes Back and Darth Vader told Luke he was his father, I thought for sure he was lying.

 Of course. And San Diego is right across the border from my favorite city on Earth, Tijuana, where I’m taking you every night. 

 So, Beau Bridges is on my shoulders, and Jeff Bridges is on Marlon Brando’s shoulders, and remember, we do not have permission to be in the pool… hey, Sheldon, wake up. And Angie Dickinson is about to sic the dogs on us, and I go under the water and Marlon goes under the water, and the water raises about two feet and sloshes all over her patio, and the dogs freak out and run like hell, and then we run like hell. Oh, boy, that was a lot of fun.

 Item 28, your pet name for me. Time’s running out on this. You need to make a decision.

 We’ll come back to that one. This brings us to the final item in our annual State of the Relationship Summit. Item 29, Valentine’s Day.

 Before you get upset, I believe I’ve come up with a way for us to celebrate the occasion that we both can enjoy.

 I propose we spend a weekend at a bed-and-breakfast in Napa Valley.

 One step ahead of you, Bernadette and Wolowitz are going with us.

 It doesn’t. I know it makes you feel like you’re bathing inside a monster.

 We’re going to have Valentine’s Day dinner on a fully functioning vintage train.

 An Alcoa FA-4 diesel locomotive leading a train of meticulously restored 1915 Pullman first-class coaches.

 That would really piss me off if I didn’t have a buzz going on.

 And for the entrée, tonight’s special is a seafood risotto. Do you have any questions?

 Fun fact, it’s neither. They actually use the AAR type E coupler. If you listen carefully when the locomotive disconnects, you’ll hear the characteristic click-pshht-thunk of the knuckle.

 Okay. Here’s my impression of the Amtrak Acela barreling down the Eastern Corridor. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh. 

 Tons. A box fell on my head at UPS six years ago. Now I just collect disability and ride trains.

 Excuse me. You are at Valentine’s dinner with your girlfriend. Now get back over there and be with her.

 Okay, what was the best four-ten-four U.S. Locomotive ever built?

 In 1944, the Pacific Railroad built number 6131, which rearranged the drivers and cylinders, solving the problem of the Q-1, creating a duplex-drive four-four-six-four.

 Hold on to your conductor’s hat. You crank the second and third axles, creating a pair of internal connecting rods, and boom, four-ten-four. If you think about it, the Q-2 was like the four-ten-four America never made.

 You know, if you ask nicely, they’ll let you visit the engine room.

 I’m detecting a little friction between you two, and I don’t want to be a third rail. Get it?

 It’s Valentine’s Day. We’re supposed to be having a romantic weekend.

 Fine, it’s true. I deserve romance, and I didn’t know how else to make it happen.

 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I’m gonna need more details.

 Oh, sure, I sit on the floor for years, no one cares. The pretty white girl’s there ten seconds, and suddenly we’re all running to IKEA.

 Yeah, you guys never use that space up there. Why not get a table?

 Hey, Penny and I are gonna go shop for a dining room table. You want to come with us?

 Seriously? You haven’t used this desk in years. The second I want to get rid of it, you’re up here working?

 I’m putting all this stuff in storage. We don’t need any of it.

 Hey, all set. What do you think? There’s plenty of room for everybody, a view out the window.

 Okay, I have not tried to change Leonard. That’s just what happens in relationships. Look how much Amy’s changed you.

 Oh, please. When I first met you, you were incapable of touching another human being. Now you’re holding hands, you’re going on dates, you even made out with her on a train.

 Mm, Sheldon, you didn’t have a personality, you just had some shows you liked.

 I’m not surprised you want to end the relationship. I’m a little surprised you didn’t get AppleCare. Anyway, enjoy your life. Where do I sign?

 Oh, I’ve already moved on. Besides, this breakup has nothing to do with me.

 Of course not. This is just Leonard trying to take the focus off that dreadful table by sowing discord in our relationship. He’s manipulating you like he always does.

 All the time. And he knew that, as your girlfriend, I wasn’t gonna stand by and let him bring a table into your apartment. I mean, a table? Come on?

 Well, thankfully, I won’t have to see it, ’cause I won’t be your girlfriend anymore. Amy Farrah Fowler. Why, yes, I would like to take a survey.

 I think if I were manipulating you, you’d be smart enough to see it.

 But it got the way it was through change. The-the-the spot that you love to sit in, that no one else can sit in, only exists because, despite your objections. I bought this couch. Me. So explain why that change was bad and this change was good.

 Can we please talk about something other than my depressing love life?

 While showering topless, 16 minutes after brief side butt during a pillow fight with her sorority sisters.

 Okay, well, there are no shower scenes in this one. They just try to clone me from my corpse, but my DNA gets mixed with the ape’s DNA and I end up running around with giant gorilla hands and feet.

 No, no, no. This is not a fight. I was just excited that someone offered you a part and a little surprised that you’d rather sit at home and do nothing than take it. Now it’s a fight.

 Listen, I was thinking you and I could probably try to be better friends.

 Seriously, I was talking to Bernadette last night and she made some great points. You and I have known each other a long time, and I didn’t hear the rest ’cause she took her bra off.

 Anyway, I got invited to do a little talk at NASA in Houston this weekend. They gave me two tickets. Bernadette can’t go. You want to come with me? You can visit your mom, and I’ll show you around the space centre.

 Remember the old days when I would’ve said something dumb like why? Uh, that doesn’t sound good.

 Yeah, I know it’s on, Sheldon. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I cannot afford this right now.

 How? Unlike me, you have a job. I’m just gonna have to go back to being a waitress, like I will be for the rest of my life.

 I’m sorry, is the fact that my life’s falling apart interfering with your board game?

 How do I know what you said? Damn you and your noise-cancelling breasts.

 I’m trying to be a better friend, but you constantly say and do irritating things.

 When? How about in the car? I’m an astronaut, and you know it. You just don’t like admitting it, because you’re jealous.

 Here you go. Be creative. What’s the matter? Scared of a little turbulence?

 Oh, this is nothing. I experienced way worse when I was plummeting back to Earth, apparently not being a real astronaut. Okay, that was a big one.

 We can’t show up to your mom’s empty-handed. We should bring something.

 Does a brisket count? I’m sorry, buddy, that’s rough. But didn’t she know we were coming?

 Look, she’s a grown woman. And, and your dad’s been gone a long time. Maybe this is none of your business.

 While you confront your mother about her sex life? I’d rather go back to that bar in ass-less chaps.

 Oh, Shelly, I’m so sorry. Come in. Um, maybe we should sit down and talk about this.

 That’s not funny. Maybe we should sit at the table. Well, I’m sure that, uh, you have a lot of questions.

 That was an hour ago, Sheldon. A Jew sits in front of a house in Texas that long, For Sale signs start to go up. I take it things didn’t go smoothly with your mom.

 You know, I, I sort of went through something like this myself.

 I’m talking about when my mom started seeing someone a couple of years after my dad left.

 Yeah, she was dating this guy, and I was kind of a jerk to her about it.

 Well, let’s just say it was the most vicious bar mitzvah speech in the history of Temple Beth El. Anyway, she broke up with him. And she’s basically been alone ever since. She never said it, but I always felt I was the reason why.

 All I’m saying is you might not want to get in the way of your mom’s happiness.

 Shelly, I’m sorry that you saw what you saw. I know that this is hard for you.

 You’re right, it does, and it’s something that I’m struggling with these days.

 Forgive me for asking a stupid question, but why are you being stupid?

 I know. Next time I get pulled over for a speeding ticket, here come the waterworks.

 No, what are you doing? No, no, pick that back up. You know it’s good. You did the research.

 You know what? How about I buy it for you? How about I buy you both?

 How about this? I’ve heard that if you flip a coin, it will tell you how you actually feel. Because you’ll either be disappointed or excited by the outcome.

 Let’s get you some food. You, You’ll feel better after you eat.

 Are you kidding me? This may be the biggest scientific breakthrough of our lifetime. How can you, as a theoretical physicist, not care about this?

 Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because the origin of the universe just got proven, the Higgs field just got proven, and you’ve been working on string theory for the last 20 years and you’re no closer to proving it than when you started.

 Excuse me, fewwas. Sowwy for eavesdwopping, but there actually was some big stwing theowy news today out of the Hadwon Cowwider.

 Incowwect. I am a stwing pwagmatist. I say I’m gonna pwove something that cannot be pwoved, I appwy for gwant money, and then I spend it on wiquor and bwoads. Water.

 Okay. I get it. I mean, not all the jibberjabber in the middle, but I know what it’s like to put your heart and soul into something and get nothing out of it.

 No. I’m saying you and string theory sound like a relationship, and I know what it’s like to be in one and realize it’s never gonna turn out the way you want.

 You have to have the courage to end the relationship. You know? Break it off, shake hands, walk away.

 That doesn’t work any more. He just thinks I’m taking him to the doctor. So, now that you’re no longer invested in string theory, what are you gonna pursue?

 Oh, Leonard was telling me about dark matter, but I didn’t really understand it.

 Yeah, it’s cute. That’s the problem. I don’t need other girls to see him walking around like sex on a stick.

 Maybe you could make your new field of study the calculation of nuclear matrix elements.

 Sheldon, have you ever considered not rushing into something new? I mean, why don’t you take your time, enjoy your freedom? Maybe something new to study will find you.

 I wouldn’t worry about it. He’s got a pretty good sense of humour.

 Oh, well, turns out I’d already met the girl Raj is seeing when I did a number on her bathroom. And that number was two.

 Oh, and there’s not even a bathroom on set. I have to go to the gas station across the street. I mean, I was dressed like half an ape and still not even close to the most disgusting person in there.

 Huh, well, I think there’s some really innovative stuff going on in dark matter.

 You know what? Why don’t we just ease into this. Let, let’s go for a walk and, and, and see if we find a new restaurant.

 Well you know what? Maybe I need a break from all of you. Come on, Sheldon.

 We’re gonna have Anything Can Happen Thursday, you’re gonna tell me all about your science stuff and I’m gonna complain about my movie, and we’re gonna support each other because that’s what friends do.

 Thank you. Hey, maybe the answer to your career question is in one of these.

 Fine, I’ll go. Hmm. People turn to you for guidance and wisdom. Yeah, that’s a good one.

 Uh, since you’re paying for dinner, I’ll let that slide. Open yours.

 Oh, for God’s sake. Look, he’s a physicist who’s trying to figure out what his next field of study should be.

 All right, why don’t we begin? Your spirit guides are telling me that there’s a woman in your life you’re having problems with.

 Exactly. Personally and professionally. Everything will fall into place once you commit to her.

 Well, I was just feeling so bad about lying to you the other night, I wanted to make it up to you.

 Uh, well, it’s not May the fifth, and it’s not May the third. It’s May the fourth.

 Yeah, um, of all the things about this that are sad, that might not be number one. You okay? I know he meant a lot to you.

 And watching a bunch of goofy space movies you’ve seen hundreds of times isn’t?

 You’re being so quiet. Are you upset or are you just rebooting?

 Sweetie, are you sure you don’t want to come with us to the funeral?

 Since we all agree Episode I isn’t our favourite, maybe we just skip it this time.

 Okay, so you’d lose most of Jar Jar, all the trade route talk and the boring senate hearings, which are like watching C-SPAN with monsters.

 I am. Oh, it, it’s fantastic. I mean this, this is the longest that I’ve gone without running into a men’s room in, in, in years.

 I don’t know. I was, I was hoping I was going to haunt my ex-wife.

 I’m, I’m not, I’m not familiar with that. Is, is, is that an, an Internet?

 Well, this, this is weird. Most, most of my robes open in, in the back.

 Is, is this the, the first time you’ve lost, you know, someone close to you?

 Well, you know, it’s, it’s okay to, to be sad about them. Just, just make sure, you know, you appreciate those who, who are still there for you.

 It was nice, you know. A lot of people showed up, told some great stories about him. Did you know that Arthur’s son is a high school sci…? (Sheldon hugs him) Hey, the guys are about to start Jedi. You want to go watch?

 Yeah, apparently, um, I’m here whenever, when, whenever you need me.

 Well, as near as I could tell, you, you fell asleep watching Star Wars, and now you’re, you’re dreaming you’re watching Star Wars.

 I mean, don’t, don’t you see a problem there? I mean, how, how you’re spending your limited time on Earth?

 Sheldon, we’re talking about your friend’s mother. She got hurt.

 I don’t know. The bisexual gorilla go-go dancer in Schindler’s List is tough to beat.

 Thanks for inviting me after everyone else said no. Aren’t you gonna get 3-D glasses?

 Thanks for skipping the movie. I couldn’t sit in that theatre for two hours wondering about Emily and that guy.

 To be truthful, Emily and I haven’t dated that long, and we never agreed to be exclusive to each other.

 I don’t understand it. I’m a nice guy, I have a great job, I’m well-educated, come from a good family. Why don’t women want to be with me?

 Eleven. Wait. Do I count the 200-pound Sailor Moon girl that Howard and I had a threesome with at Comic Con?

 Maybe. I, I don’t know.It’s late, I should, I should go. Look, I do get what you’re saying. Instead of desperately clinging to any woman who will go out with me, I need to work on my fear of being alone.

 So, listen, there was something I was hoping to float past you.

 Now that Penny and I are engaged, I thought we might want to talk about our living arrangements.

 That’s very sweet. But we were thinking more of us maybe living together with… not you.

 Look, I, I know this is, this is change, and that sounds scary.

 I don’t know. We just started to think about this. Maybe I’ll move in with Penny, or maybe she and I’ll take this place, and you can move across the hall.

 Because I love Penny, and want to give her the life she deserves.

 You know, this might work out for the best. I mean, you’re always complaining about what a terrible roommate Leonard is. Like how he turns up the thermostat when you’re not there.

 I was cooking in the back room last night and the hot plate caught on fire.

 I was across the street at the do-it-yourself car wash, taking a shower.

 Um, I don’t know. I’m waiting to hear back from the insurance company.

 I don’t mean to be rude, Sheldon, but, uh, my life is kind of falling apart right now.

 Seriously? You don’t even have a change of clothes or a toothbrush.

 Okay, I know you’re upset and there’s a lot of stuff going on, but it’s nothing we can’t work out. Come on, let’s get you home.

 So a few things don’t go your way and your best decision is to ride the rails like a hobo?

 Come on, come home with us and tomorrow I’ll, I’ll take you to Legoland.

 Sheldon, if you really need to do this, I’m not gonna stand in your way.

 Um, let me just have some coffee first, and then I’ll have the strength to tell you how much I won’t be doing that. (Phone rings) Hello?

 What do you mean, why did I come? You’re my boyfriend. I haven’t seen you in over a month. I just drove six hours to help you out. Don’t you have anything to say besides why did you come?

 Hang on. You travelled across the entire country and never left a train station?

 Have you not noticed that I’ve been sitting back here quietly stewing for the past two hours?

 I’m mad at you. How could you just go away like that without even saying good-bye, and then call Leonard for help instead of me?

 We’re in a moving car. What do you expect me to do? Stick my fingers in my ears?

 Yeah. If you had told anyone that you were going away on a train by yourself across the country, do you know what they would have said?

 But you did do it. So what if it didn’t all go your way? That’s what makes it an adventure.

 I cannot believe you travelled the entire country and never left the train station.

 Yes, but when they’re hungry-hungry, you can stop them with marbles.

 Mm, I don’t know. Who here has ever been hurt because they were the teacher’s pet?

 You mean the dialogue that went, please, no, please, no, please, no.

 Dr. Cooper, while you were away, we came up with a solution that would allow you to change your field of study.

 Currently, you’re being paid under a grant to specifically research string theory. If we promote you to junior professor, you’ll be able to choose whatever field of research you’d like.

 This might not be that bad. Uh, you like telling people they’re wrong.

 Look, most importantly, this will let you move on and study dark matter.

 Hey. We just wanted to see how your class was going. Where is everybody?

 I’m thinking about getting my doctorate, and he wants to teach. Why not?

 I would guess a wave-function and then vary its parameters until I found the lowest energy solution.

 I’d use Feynman’s trick, differentiate under the integral sign.

 Since every interpretation gives exactly the same answer to every measurement, they are all equally correct. However, I know you believe in the Many Worlds Interpretation, so I’ll say that. Now do you think I’m smart enough?

 Oh, come on. You might’ve gone to school for a couple more years than me, but guess what, engineers are just as smart as physicists.

 So, after drinks with Bernadette, I get home, and Penny calls to complain about her. And then while I’m talking to Penny, I get a text from Bernadette.

 Because it’s taken 15 years, but high school is finally awesome. I love them both, but I’m in the centre now, and I love that even more.

 No, I mean, why are you going to so much trouble to prove that you’re smarter than Wolowitz?

 You want to know what I think? I think the idea that someone could be as smart as you, or even smarter, scares the pants off you, and you can’t deal with it.

 Before we do, I just talked to Leonard. And if you’re gonna spend all your time trying to belittle me by making this class unnecessarily hard, then I’m out. But if you’re interested in making a sincere effort to be a good teacher, then I’m willing to give this a shot.

 If you’re gonna be a crappy teacher, then I’m gonna be a crappy student. (Singing) Uh, uh, Ludacris going in on the verse. ’cause I never been defeated and I won’t stop now…

 You mean, like, where she’s nice to your face? Okay got it. Bye. Hey, boyfriend.

 I’m smart enough, Sheldon. Asking me a bunch of questions about a topic I’m not familiar with doesn’t prove anything. I could do the same to you.

 Okay. You enjoy making fun of engineering so much, how do you quantify the strength of materials?

 That’s so cool. Congratulations. I guess that makes you the athlete of the group.

 Okay, I got to, I, I, I, I got to ask. What makes you think that your relationship is so wonderful and ours isn’t?

 So do we. And I’ve seen you guys ignore each other for hours doing totally different things.

 Whatever. You can’t even go on a date without checking your relationship agreement.

 Uh, we’re not sure. But I want to wait long enough to prove to my mother I’m not pregnant.

 I’m not jealous. I just think it’s silly for you to compare relationships like they’re something that can be quantified.

 Sheldon, you’re just assigning random numbers to things based on your opinion.

 They developed the Relationship Closeness Inventory, which predicts the stability of a couple based on behaviour.

 No, we’re sorry. We never should have been comparing relationships in the first place.

 I just want to say one more thing about this. Just because Penny and I are very different people does not mean that we’re a bad couple.

 Because it doesn’t matter. I don’t care if we’re a ten or a two.

 This is fun, huh? We get to see our friend throw out the first pitch, have a hot dog, watch the game.

 I’ll tell you what. If we stay, I’ll buy you cotton candy and a bobblehead.

 Have you guys heard about this research team that’s trying to transgenically manipulate chicken DNA to create some sort of chicken dinosaur?

 You know, he might not reopen. He didn’t get a lot of money from the insurance company.

 All I know is, he’s got my mother buying four-ply toilet paper. I mean, four-ply. If his butt is so delicate, why doesn’t he just use an angora rabbit?

 Ooh, maybe we could come up with a business plan to compete with this place.

 Hold on. So, your idea is to get a van and cruise the streets looking for kids to pick up?

 Well, do you think when she and I had that conversation, she left people off her list?

 Yeah, and I’m not sure that complete honesty is always the best thing for a relationship.

 Why are you even part of this conversation? You don’t know anything about women.

 Interesting. Can you see how a grown man, an accomplished scientist, who invests in a store that sells picture books about flying men in colourful underwear might be wasting both his financial and intellectual resources?

 Probably because we left the diagram of it in the restaurant, and none of us wanted to walk back.

 Okay, let’s focus. The girls are gone, we have 48 hours. There are no distractions. Let’s change the world.

 Oh. It’s wonderful, and I swear I’m not saying that because Justin Timberlake is in it.

 Guys, in 30 seconds, we went from let’s change the world to let’s watch TV.

 How cool would that be if we could make one of those a reality?

 This is Hot Tub Time Machine all over again. If future Biff goes back to 2015 right after he gives young Biff the almanac, he could get back to the 2015 with Marty and Doc in it. Because it wasn’t until his 21st birthday that 1955 Biff placed his first bet.

 Okay, so, it wasn’t until his 21st birthday that Biff had will have placed his first bet and made his millions. That’s when he altered the timeline.

 Guys, what are we doing? We sent the girls away so we could focus.

 Or if we could figure out a way to supercool the materials, we could utilize quantum coupling.

 I’m sure Mrs. Florida’s walking funny. Can we get back to work?

 We could snap a rubber band on our wrists every time we get sidetracked.

 I think it’ll be pretty clear. If not, we’ll take a vote. Oh, and also…

 We didn’t have to, that was clearly a tangent. Now come on. Back to work. If we’re leaning towards quantum coupling… Aah! Why?

 Everyone stop. This was a stupid idea. Negative reinforcement isn’t working.

 It’s late. We’ve wasted hours. Can we please find it in ourselves to do any amount of work tonight?

 So you’re, you’re saying we should stand here in my lab on a Saturday night and watch the rest of Ghostbusters on a crappy laptop?

 Speaking of new careers, how are things going with dark matter, Sheldon?

 So, I did a little research on what the conditions are like in the mines, and the guys might be right, sounds pretty rough down there. For starters, it’s very humid, and about a hundred degrees.

 It’s also a live mine, so there’ll be dynamite explosions going off in the distance.

 Well, there’s no toilets, we’ll have to do our business in a bucket.

 Look, I get it, but before we pass up on an incredible opportunity, I was thinking about when Howard was training to go to space, they put him in a simulated environment.

 This is gonna be so much more accurate than the steam room at the gym.

 Or totally naked. I love Howard, but the dude needs a little shame.

 Well, that’s what we wanted. This is as hot as the mines will be.

 Let’s set up the equipment. It’ll help take your mind off of it.

 So, as Hannah Montana, Miley was a world-famous pop star. But then she would take off her wig and go to school like a normal girl. Which, I don’t have to tell you, at that age, is its own headache.

 But you’re okay with Superman concealing his identity with a pair of glasses?

 Huh. That does explain why the servants used to look so hot while they were fanning me. Let’s get our minds off how uncomfortable we are. We could take some more simulated instrument readings.

 If you would just use the bucket, you’d be so much more comfortable.

 You call yourself a friend? I was trying to help you, and at the first sign of trouble you ran away, leaving me to fend off a family of rats. You’re a completely selfish human being and a, and a physical and a moral coward.

 I’m not a delivery man, I’m a doctor. Although I do often deliver alarming biopsy results to my patients.

 All right. These are actually for a nice woman who makes sales calls to my office.

 I was hoping to impress her by tracking her down on the Internet and then showing up unannounced at her door.

 Oh, uh, you probably don’t want her to see this. It’s unnecessarily graphic.

 Ever since I was a kid, but, uh, I didn’t really get serious until William Shatner’s bladder infection.

 Ah, that’s a good question. Apparently someone was being awfully flirty while not wearing their engagement ring, causing another someone to show up here thinking the first someone might be available.

 So, I’ve noticed Leonard gets teased a lot 0about his relationship with Penny.

 But the gibbon doesn’t know what it’s categorized as. It doesn’t even know it’s called a gibbon.

 Here’s a question, as an alien pretending to be human, are you planning to engage in any post-prom mating rituals with Amy?

 Not always. Unless your date drives a van with an air mattress, then always.

 You know, if you’re not gonna learn how to do this, they make some pretty good clip-ons.

 If you had ripped jeans and a leather jacket, you’d be like the toughest kid on the Disney Channel. So, anything else planned for tonight?

 And while you’re at it, I know that at this age your hormones are raging, but just because all your friends are having sex doesn’t mean you have to.

 You know, ’cause, ’cause a lot of people lose their virginity on prom night.

 Oh, it’s a scaly genital organ that grows between his shoulder blades. Try not to touch it when you’re dancing.

 What pressure? All I said was you look handsome. Can you please open the door?

 Sheldon, this is silly. I’m not missing another prom. I’m going upstairs now. Good-bye.

 Well, you can relax. Just because you think I look pretty doesn’t mean we have to spend the night together.

 I’m always hoping. But tonight I just wanted to have a nice time with you. And maybe dance with someone who has arms.

 Of course I understand. Sheldon, there’s something else I’ve been wanting to say, but before I do, I just, I want you to know that you don’t have to say it back. I know you’re not ready, and I don’t want you to say it just because social convention dictates…

 Yeah. It’s a deviated septum. The surgery to correct it is simple. He’s gonna do it next week.

 Sheldon, it’s a routine procedure, I’ve heard you complain about his snoring.

 Sheldon, I’m gonna get the surgery, it’s no big deal. End of story.

 If it helps you sleep, then why are you sitting here staring at me like the albino boogeyman?

 Buddy, wh, do you realize that that also means 699,999 people don’t die?

 Buddy, I, I get that you’re worried about me and I, I appreciate that, but I’m not going to die.

 Tell you what, the surgery’s not for a week, I’ll think about it.

 He probably got a new one. Finish your breakfast. Look, there’s an entire section of my dashboard that doesn’t have any syrup on it.

 I’m odd all the time, everyone knows that. Just last night I tried to see how many fava beans I could fit in my mouth.

 All right. Don’t get upset, but, an earlier appointment opened up for Leonard and he’s getting the surgery right now.

 He wore me down. And I was distracted, he has on extra baby powder today.

 Penny has a good point. This is like the man in the supermarket with the goiter on his neck. Whatever you’re thinking, just keep it to yourself.

 And I’m sure he knew that before you held a grapefruit up next to it.

 Okay, the reason he deceived you is you were being a pain in the ass.

 Obviously, I care about Leonard. I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with him.

 Okay, first of all, the surgery was a success, and secondly, I didn’t even want you there.

 Sheldon, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the surgery, but you were worried about nothing.

 You were so worried that you smashed your face trying to check on me. You love me.

 I know I was thinking that. Is this a show on flags or mind reading?

 Mm. I know how you feel. I spent the day throwing out a man’s entire career, and all that’s left is an old bottle of champagne and a naked lady pen that Raj took when he thought no one was looking.

 Wil Wheaton said, get a gate. I don’t know why I didn’t get a gate.

 I’ve always wanted to do a traditional Victorian Christmas. Parlour games, goose and figgy pudding.

 Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane. Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer pulling on the reins.

 Bells are ringing, children singing, all is merry and bright. So hang your stockings and say your prayers ’cause Santa Claus is coming tonight. Why’d you turn it off?

 Maybe you’d like it more if you thought of Santa as a superhero and his power is bringing joy to children.

 Okay, new subject. Let’s talk about presents. What did you get Amy?

 I think the nicest gifts I’ve got from Howie show how well he knows me.

 All right, let me see if I’ve got this straight. A picture of you on my lap is a way to punish your girlfriend for making you celebrate Christmas?

 They’re your Meemaw’s Christmas cookies. I called and got the recipe.

 No. We’re always doing what you guys want. Just once, it’d be nice if you did something we wanted.

 Ah, interesting, we’re being accused of making you do things you don’t like, and here you are, doing the same thing to poor Amy.

 No, you’re right, we should do what you do. Have our mom send us pants from the Walmart in Houston.

 I don’t know, but the girls do a lot for us. It’s the least we can do.

 That is not a compromise. A compromise is me driving you everywhere because you refuse to learn how.

 Because of you, I’m not allowed to adjust the temperature in my own home. I’m not allowed to whistle. I don’t wear shoes that might squeak.

 Sheldon, do you realize I don’t live with the woman I love because of you? No other reason. Just you.

 Yes, it’s true. The last time I brought it up, you had an emotional breakdown and got on a train and ran away.

 You have no idea how much you inconvenience the lives of everyone around you. It’s exhausting.

 Sheldon, I, I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. I’ve been holding a lot of this in for a while.

 I’m not leaving your world. I’m just talking about living across the hall.

 Sheldon, we know this is a sensitive subject, and Leonard’s not gonna move out until you’re ready.

 All right. How about we start with two nights a week I live with Penny?

 Ooh, and one time when you were asleep, Amy totally took off her… and that’s why you’re the best roommate ever.

 Ah, you’re upset because you spent the whole night working on dark matter and didn’t make a breakthrough, and now you’re worried you made a huge mistake switching fields, and you’re gonna sit around and sulk all day?

 I don’t know, I guess I like that I hate it. It makes me work harder.

 The exercise, Sheldon. Shouldn’t you be getting ready for work?

 Uh, you’re sad about not getting anything done last night, so you’re gonna sit around and pout about it?

 Ooh, Emily. I heard him say that to Emily. Hey, I thought you were staying home.

 All right, next, we’re gonna introduce an anxiety-inducing stimulus, measure your stress levels and see how it affects your problem-solving rate.

 Look, I know you don’t like it, but that’s the point of the experiment. I need to irritate you to find your optimal anxiety zone. And you said no to tickling, polka music or watching me eat a banana.

 Sheldon, you’re a remarkable scientist. Just be patient, I’m sure you’ll find the breakthrough you’ve been looking for.

 And if you only do solid research instead of making a groundbreaking discovery, what does it matter?

 Sheldon, we are just people. We talk about the same things you guys talk about.

 Well, they’re not a hundred percent wolf. They’re a werewolf, that’s only part wolf. It’s like comparing apples to oranges.

 Well, at least listen to it through headphones. I’m trying to sleep. Good night.

 You’ve been working so much lately, I’m glad you didn’t forget about date night.

 Sheldon. Sheldon, I’m worried about you. You’re not eating, you haven’t slept in days, and, to be honest, that cap is starting to smell.

 I’m sorry, but you know we agreed not to bring work to date night.

 Sheldon, stop it, I’m not kidding. Take the cap off, and put the notebook away.

 You don’t need to drive yourself crazy in order to be productive.

 Sheldon, this has to stop. You need to get some sleep and take care of yourself.

 It’s one thing to make yourself miserable, but you’re making everyone around you miserable, too. Now, I’m telling you for the last time, take the cap off.

 Which means a spherical multidimensional superfluid shows the same negative-energy density as space-time. So what do you think? What do you think? So what do you think?

 I know this isn’t my area, and I could never do the math like you can, but could this be something?

 No one told you to taste them. Come on, is, is this good or not?

 You know, if no one’s thought of this, yet, this could be a big deal.

 Sheldon, this is superfluid helium. Put this in your mouth, your tongue will freeze and break off.

 Let me see, let me see. One calls it insightful and innovative. We’re insightful and innovative.

 Oh, the pleasure is mine, Mr. Innovative. Uh, another one says the concept shows some real out-of-the-box thinking. Do you hear that, Mr. Out-Of-The?

 Okay, okay. Uh, the analogy between space-time and a supercooled fluid is either meaningless or false. I wish this blog would devote itself to real science instead of wasting our time with crackpot wannabe theoreticians in a rush to publish.

 Sheldon, my name’s on that paper, too. There’s no upside to doing this.

 Upon review, I’ve changed my mind about the Cooper-Hofstadter hypothesis that space-time is like a superfluid. In fact, it’s inspired me to come up with my own theory. Maybe space-time is like two clowns with their heads in a bucket, much like Cooper and Hofstadter.

 No. You have to read it how Dr. Angus McDougal of the University of Edinburgh would. This wee li’l bairn of a theory nearly blew me kilt off.

 Guys, this person’s just going out of their way to get a rise out of you.

 Well, I think the anonymity makes everyone feel like they can say things they’d never say to your face.

 You know what? At least you guys did something. You know, you, you had a theory, you wrote a paper, you made an actual contribution. All guys like this do is just stand on other people’s work.

 All right, do it. Call him. Let’s find out what this loser’s ever accomplished.

 Stephen Hawking liked our paper. Said the premise is intriguing.

 Well, I’d been thinking about a cellular automata approach to neuronal connectivity, and I thought it might have some interesting applications to string theory, it’s not a big deal.

 I did. You said the only math biologists know is if you have three frogs and one hops away, that leaves two frogs.

 Sheldon, we’re all scientists. I helped out a fellow colleague. You’re being petty.

 Well, I’m sure she didn’t upset you on purpose. Besides, aren’t you the one who says there’s nothing more important than the advancement of science?

 All right, well, if I’m understanding this right, and all she did was help out another scientist, I’m thinking you might have to let this one go.

 I don’t know what to tell you. I mean, why don’t you talk to her?

 And then they finish it off by staring into each other’s eyes for four minutes.

 Oh, careful. You’re poking at the whole foundation of The Bachelor.

 What? You’re okay with an experiment where you have to answer awkward questions about your innermost feelings?

 That’s what I said. Before I knew it, he pontificated his way right into my heart.

 You know what? I can honestly say if we fall in love, not only will I drive you there, I will buy you all the dragon T-shirts you want.

 Question one. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

 Uh, well, I’d probably sleep in, do a little yoga, then lie on the beach while cute cabana boys brought me drinks and probably get a massage and then cap off the night with some dancing.

 Well, not to steal from the Bible, but turning water into wine sounds pretty good.

 Fine. Honestly, if I could have one quality, I wish I could be as smart as you guys.

 Well, I can’t read people’s minds. Actually, that’s not true, I can read men’s minds, but only ’cause it’s usually the one thing.

 Well, now I wish I had the ability to make that stuff easier for you.

 If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone?

 All that’s left to do is stare into each other’s eyes for four minutes without talking.

 Well, maybe. But I’m still glad we did it. I do feel closer to you.

 Let’s forget about them, and pick ourselves out a nice turtle. Oh, how about this one up on the log?

 But that’s not your fault. Like you, we’re taking it ridiculously slow. You’ll stay with me when he’s at Comic-Con or away for work.

 You applied for a mission to be a colonist on another planet, and couldn’t be bothered to tell me?

 I’m surprised you even care if he likes you, since you’re planning on leaving the planet the first chance you get.

 Sheldon, I know the odds of you even going to Mars are incredibly small, but it still hurts that you would volunteer for something that would take you away from me forever.

 I would at least mention it before filling out the application.

 And who says you could even survive an interplanetary mission, anyway? You could barely survive a tiny turtle bite.

 But on a more serious note, the most important reason I want to go to Mars is that I believe, as a scientist, it’s my duty to push the boundaries of human knowledge forward. Now, I know that life on Mars will be difficult. But life here on Earth is no picnic. Also, picnics are no picnic. Where should we go for lunch? Oh, I know, the ground. In conclusion, thank you for considering me for this journey of a lifetime. To Mars.

 You know, Sheldon, at any other time, learning that you had plans to go live on Mars would be a slow news day. But a couple of hours ago, we were getting a turtle. And silly as it sounds, I thought that meant something.

 Okay. I suppose being the first people on a new planet would be incredibly exciting.

 You know, we could also be the first people to procreate on Mars.

 Think about it. If we had a family there, our kids would be Martians.

 It only refers to Dr. Cooper and his team. Did you even talk about him?

 Think about it. How would you feel if you were referred to as part of Leonard’s team?

 Leonard is as much a part of this paper as you are, and he was overlooked. He’s going to feel bad.

 Remember that time you didn’t get picked to pull the sword out of the stone at Disneyland and they let that other kid do it?

 Uh, at least they’re talking about the theory. I mean, that’s what’s important.

 You know, for an extra four bucks, I can have this thing here tomorrow.

 All these bright people sitting around a table by candlelight. Feels like we could be an 18th century French salon.

 Okay, new salon topic. Salons, dumb thing from a long time ago or interesting thing made dumb by talking about superheroes? Discuss.

 Well, I guess, as an engineer, I lean towards execution. I spend my days trying to take ideas and make them real.

 Oh, now he’s a genius? All you ever do is make fun of him and engineering.

 Guys, if I wanted to hear people be bitchy, I’d go to my real salon.

 Lots of people also didn’t have that idea, like everyone in the entire world except for me.

 So I’m just supposed to be okay with you hogging all the credit?

 It’s why my people wandered the desert for 40 years. Took that long to walk it off.

 Public restroom kit. Everything a boy needs for making pee pee in new and strange places.

 If it’s half as much fun as One Times Ten to the Fourth Bottles of Beer on the Wall, I’m in.

 I don’t know, um, if 65 billion solar neutrinos pass through a square centimetre every second, given the surface area of this car is about 60,000 square centimetres, that means 3.9 times ten to the 15th solar neutrinos?

 No, listen, we wrote a paper together. Now we get to go to a university and talk about it? That’s pretty cool.

 I don’t think George Lucas put his headquarters in the middle of nowhere because he wanted people dropping in.

 We do have time. I mean, we could drive by and just look at it.

 No, but I don’t have three years to make that gate feel sorry for me.

 Um, uh, uh, uh, we don’t have an appointment, and, and we don’t belong here, but we, we’re, like, crazy-big fans. I mean uh, buh, buh, crazy for Star Wars crazy, not crazy like we have a backpack full of duct tape, although we do have a backpack that you really don’t want to look in.

 Thank you so much. See? Maybe honesty is the best… What are you doing?

 I don’t know. Maybe they’ll call Imperial Officers to take us to a holding cell on the Death Star.

 Honestly, I just wanted to meet Mr. Lucas and say thank you. You know, growing up, the movies had such an impact on my life. I never really fit in anywhere. Till I discovered the worlds he created and finally found a place where I belong.

 Oh, I, uh, I hopped a fence, and they caught me in the sculpture gallery making out with a Chewbacca statue.

 No, you’re not going anywhere, kissy face. Let’s go. I have to take your picture to post at the guard gate.

 Yes, we missed our lecture, we were almost arrested, and you got me locked in a room with a man who forced his tongue down the throat of a stuffed Wookiee.

 The glass is empty, Sheldon. It’s completely empty. If you gave that glass to a man who was dying of thirst, he would be dead, do you know why?

 You know, when they were escorting us to the detaining room, I looked through a door, and I’m pretty sure I saw a display case with the Ark of the Covenant.

 Yeah, I bet you anything it’s just ’cause you’re a pain in the ass.

 Look, you can spend the rest of the day being bitter about this.

 According to the codicil of the Relationship Agreement which you insisted upon, we’re not allowed to pout or be moody on date night.

 Probably not. It’s an evolutionary advantage to be included in group activities.

 Being left out is a terrible feeling. No one understands that better than I do.

 When there was a lice epidemic at my school, everybody got it except me. I tried to fool everyone by sprinkling sugar in my hair, but I just got attacked by bees.

 You know, there’s nothing I can do about getting you invited to the symposium, but if you wanted, we could build a fort.

 And McBlanket over Sumter ’cause it has a higher thread count. Oh. Ten o’clock. Date night’s over.

 Well, as long as we’re suspending the parameters, I could stay really late and we could have our first sleepover.

 Would it alarm you to know that I hid those things here two years ago just in case this ever came up?

 Yeah. Well, I like music, I like science, I like making fun of Sheldon. Hit it.

 Oh. When I encountered alien life, I discovered that the key thing was not to sit in its spot.

 Anyway, I’m among a handful of scientists that have been asked to submit a design proposal for the message and its delivery system.

 Yeah, absolutely. You need a device capable of delivering information across a wide range of perceptual modalities.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon. (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon. (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.

 Okay, look, here’s the thing. I like pharmaceutical sales, it’s going great, but I have an audition for a movie, and if I get it, it could screw everything up.

 If I was at a train station and one train could take me to my current job and the other train could take me to an audition for a movie, which train should I get on?

 Oh. You’re right. I’m worried about something that hasn’t even happened yet. Huh. You are a wise man.

 ‘Cause I already know what he’ll say. Wah, wah, wah, you shouldn’t do it.

 Hang on. Not that your song isn’t terrible, it is. but how do you mention bats and leave out sonar?

 Great. Now that we’re all on the same page, let’s get together tonight and work on it.

 So, I’d like to try a technique where no one gets steamrolled. When you talk, instead of bringing up a new idea, respect what was just said by building on it.

 Hang on. Building on what Leonard said, no one built on what I said.

 The plaque they sent up on the Pioneer probe had a drawing of a naked man and woman on it.

 Oh, you mean passive-aggressive like posting pictures of you and your wife eating cosmopolitan balls that you know belong in my mouth?

 What about when we went to Comic-Con and dressed like Jabba the Hutt? You got to be Jabba’s head, and I got to be his fat slug butt.

 Okay, and if we’re talking about being left out of things, you guys went to Skywalker Ranch without us.

 Wait a minute. Sheldon spent a whole day with James Earl Jones and never told any of us.

 Uh, yeah, I just need to throw in a few last minute things, you know, makeup, underwear, clothes.

 Okay, the WiFi extender is on, the camera’s on, they’re both on the same network. We should be getting an image.

 Step one, rapidly flip the calibration switch from the fully up to the fully down positions for at least ten times.

 Just flip the switch until the lights on the drone change to solid yellow.

 Now I rotate it horizontally on its centre axis until the lights turn green.

 Okay, now all I have to do is rotate it vertically until the lights turn off.

 Well, I, how familiar are you with miniaturized integrated logic circuits?

 I’m an MIT-trained engineer. I’ve built components for the space station.

 No, you have to put this back together right now, so I can return it.

 Okay, I think I’ve narrowed it down to a faulty pin on the onboard communication chip.

 It’s not about the money. It’s about solving a problem. It’s why I became an engineer. It’s what I like to do, it’s what I’m trained to do. It’s who I am.

 All right, the power supply is reconnected. I think we’re back in business. Let’s just run a few tests before we take it outside. Sheldon, we got WiFi?

 What happened to me? When did I become an old man baffled by modern technology? Next thing you know, I’ll be hitching my pants up to my armpits and complaining about the awful music the kids are listening to.

 I don’t know. Must be getting a WiFi signal from somewhere else.

 It’s so nice both of your moms are coming in to see you guys get an award.

 Sure, his mom gets roses. When I want them, they’re a bouquet of severed plant genitals.

 Shelly, I’m so proud of you and Leonard for getting this award.

 I tried to read your paper, but it was very hard for me to understand.

 Interesting. You can believe that, but God filling an ark with animals two-by-two is nonsense.

 Calm down, dear. Mary, I’m curious. When did you first realize that your son had such a remarkable mind?

 Well, I would have to say when he was 13 and tried to build a nuclear reactor in the tool shed.

 Now, the first thing you have to know about Shelly is ever since he was a little boy, he was always concerned with the well-being of others. And he didn’t think that it was fair for people to pay for electricity, so he was gonna power the entire town for free.

 Oh, well. Oh, this is adorable. When he arranged to get some yellowcake from Chad, I thought he was talking about Twinkies from one of his friends.

 We did not. That’s not true. Can I speak to you alone for a second?

 Really doesn’t matter to me how much he spent on the ring. I think.

 Yes, and we’ll get back to that. But, uh, even with your mother here, you are deliberately hogging all the attention from my mom. You’re like one of those elephant seal pups that steals the milk from two mothers.

 Yeah, you’re right. That is the term I’m looking for. You are a dirty double mother suckler.

 Why don’t we all stop hitting ourselves and talk about something safe, you know, like shoes or how cute little Chinese babies are.

 I can’t help but notice how her unconditional love for you is diametrically opposed to my own parenting strategies.

 Do you suppose you would’ve flourished more in a reward-based environment?

 Leonard, I always made you earn my affection, but today I realize that there’s more than one way to raise a child.

 I didn’t kill anything. You did, talking about your stupid TV show.

 Really? That’s the commitment issue you’re wrestling with? Sheldon, do you understand the irony of your fixation on a man with super speed, while after five years all I can get out of you is a distracted make-out session on a couch?

 Well, Sheldon, when you’re kissing a girl, she expects the attention to be on her.

 I’m gonna guess that your main concern is the time commitment of watching an entire season of a new show.

 Wait, what is wrong with you two? He was talking about television during their date night.

 Okay, see, that’s even dumber than you wondering if being bitten by a goat would give you the powers of a goat.

 Hey, I don’t think she’s wrong about you going too slow in the relationship.

 Yeah, you’ve been going out for years. You haven’t even slept together.

 It’s not just the date. We haven’t talked about anything. Big wedding, small wedding, indoor, outdoor?

 Here we go again. Why is everyone so concerned with us setting a date? We’re committed to each other. We’re happy. A ceremony isn’t gonna change anything.

 I’ve been thinking about them, too, Sheldon. Being your girlfriend is so challenging. Emotionally, physically. I’ve been incredibly patient for years.

 Okay, well, this isn’t easy to say, because I love you, but I need some time to take a step back and re-evaluate our situation.

 Aw. That’s exactly what you said the first time we slept together. (Phone) Oh, excuse me. Sheldon. Hey.

 Sheldon, uh, okay, just because you’re going through this with Amy doesn’t mean that all women are bad.

 She’s upset. Look, it’s gonna be a great wedding. Look at you in your little suit.

 If you must know, I’m going to Howard and Bernadette’s to watch the wedding.

 Maybe because the two of us being there would make them feel awkward.

 Well, honey, don’t send it back yet. Your sister’s married, and I’m not letting your brother give my grandmother’s ring to that whore he’s dating.

 Okay, listen, I may not have been entirely faithful, but you, you are not easy to lift.

 You know, it’s bad enough what happened, but then he tried to hide the fact that he sees her all the time at the university.

 Okay, look, it’s not my fault that she thought you were a bad boyfriend.

 Well, I may be a man, but I think I’m the one that screwed up on this one.

 How am I supposed to sleep? I’ve been married less than 24 hours, and my wife isn’t speaking to me.

 You can’t be serious. ‘Cause I messed up and made out with a girl, you’re gonna do the same with a random guy?

 Sheldon, I don’t think you understand how being broken up works. The only way I can sort through my feelings is if there is space between us. Every time I see you, it re-traumatizes me. I go through the pain all over again.

 Sheldon, this has to stop. I know it’s hard. It’s hard for me, too. But I’ve seen and talked to you more in the two days we’ve been broken up than in the last two months that we were together.

 And you didn’t do your compulsive knocking ritual so I would open the door.

 You mean the night that I went ice-skating, and you stood at the rail googling the symptoms of hypothermia?

 Okay, look, I might be overreacting, but how am I supposed to get past this when I know tomorrow you’re gonna go to work and see this woman?

 How dare you go on the Internet and say mean things about me and compare my genitalia to part of Czechoslovakia?

 I don’t know what you were thinking, but take the video down now.

 I only watched it because you e-mailed it to me with the subject line this is gonna make you mad.

 Well, you eloped and we didn’t get a chance to throw you a bachelor party, so there’s a van downstairs and we’re here to take you to a surprise location for the weekend.

 Well, Sheldon, there’s something about this van that you’re going to find very interesting.

 This van was owned and driven by your personal physics hero, Richard Feynman.

 I bet he picked up a lot of cute grad students in this bad boy.

 Okay, calm down. There’s a theme to this weekend. We are going to Mexico in Feynman’s van to stay at the vacation house Feynman bought with the money from his Nobel Prize.

 If there was a hidden compartment, don’t you think you’d be stuffed in it by now?

 Sheldon, can you believe that we’re driving in a van that was owned by one of the greatest scientific minds of the 20th century? It’s like the Batmobile. If Batman was real and a physicist and his car wasn’t cool.

 Perhaps some of his mojo will rub off on us. Maybe between this and his beach house, we will be inspired to greatness.

 Hey, I have to return this van. Keep your creative juices in your pants.

 Every self-respecting gentleman should know how in case he comes across a damsel in distress by the side of the road.

 No, it’s too broad of a beam. You’d need something more precise, like Superman’s heat vision.

 Guys, excuse me, not that calling one of the Avengers isn’t a perfectly reasonable choice, but we’re scientists. Don’t you think we can figure this out using actual science?

 They’re basically pure hydrocarbons soaked in fat. Let’s hope the lug nut expands.

 It’s burning salsa. I’m hoping the acidity and salinity combined with electricity will corrode the lug nut off.

 If it makes you feel any better, I pierced Amy’s ears and her mom made her sit in my closet.

 I still don’t understand why you bought that pill caddie. You’re a young man.

 It’s just where I need them. You know, she doesn’t have a lot of closet space.

 Uh, well, honey, you know, now that Leonard and I are married, it kind of makes sense that we actually live together.

 Well, why don’t you look at this as an opportunity? You had other roommates before Leonard. Maybe this is a chance to find someone new.

 I don’t know how to help you. You know, feelings are a part of life.

 I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to get attention so we’ll feel bad for you, but it’s not happening.

 Buddy, I know me moving in with Penny feels like a big change, but it’s not.

 Okay, look, we don’t need to rush into anything. All right? Maybe instead of Leonard moving in with me, we just leave things the way they are, and sometimes we’ll sleep over there, and sometimes we’ll sleep over here.

 Well, it’s not forever. It’s just for a while. If you want, we can think of him like he’s our dog.

 The other day, when she tried to put that Fitbit on me and I ran away from her.

 Look at all these activities the university has. Rock climbing club, archery, flag football.

 I got a triple-word score with a double letter Q. If that’s not a time to bust out the scrabble dance, what’s the point of having one? Hey, Barry Kripke started a fencing club.

 Well, sowwy to disappoint you, but fencing is a sewious spowt. If you’re not wiwwing to put in the effowt, you might as well just weave now.

 Awwight. Let’s begin with some fundamentals. This is the en garde position. Feet are in an L. Heels in a stwaight wine. Elbow is about a fist from the wib cage. Notice my dominant weg faces fowward.

 When you’re in a public restroom, which foot do you flush the toilet with?

 Good. The next move is called a wetweat. Step back. Back foot first, toe to heel. Fwont foot fowwows. On thwee.

 Oh, yeah, right. Sorry. My name is Puss in Boots. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

 Oh. I hate to say it, but it sounds like he’s interested in her.

 Oh, buddy, I get that you don’t like it, but it’s not really up to you.

 Look, even if it’s not him, Amy’s probably going to date someone at some point.

 Listen, I should warn you that maybe asking Amy out isn’t a good idea.

 Sheldon, instead of focusing on Amy dating other guys, maybe you should start thinking about dating another girl.

 Why? You never thought you’d end up in a relationship, and then you met Amy. Maybe there’s someone else out there for you.

 Maybe you should consider women who aren’t in serious relationships with your closest friends?

 Whoa, whoa. Walking up to a strange woman in a bar usually doesn’t work.

 I’d love to, but we need liquid helium and our shipment’s on back order for a month.

 Let’s go check to see if the university has any helium in reserve.

 Sowwy, there’s a showtage. And what we do have I need for my quantum excitation study.

 Hey, people were still talking about that party on siete de Mayo.

 We’re just bending the rules a little. We have grant money to do the experiment, so we’re going to spend it on the helium we need. It’s not like when Dr. Goldfarb claimed he bought an electron microscope and he was really just keeping a Russian girl in an apartment in Van Nuys.

 A little, but if I may quote Einstein, the pursuit of science calls us to ignore the rules set by man.

 Before I answer, may I just say your skin has never looked better.

 Oh, how do I know you’re not gonna drive away without paying me?

 Yeah, well, from my perspective, that’s how you two appear to me.

 Oh, whoa, whoa, how can it bea Mexican standoff? Everybody knows you need three sides for that.

 Yeah, well, I know where you work, all right? And if you mess with me, I’ll report you, then I’ll pound your asses into the ground.

 Okay, but now there’s this Swedish team that read our paper and they’re trying to beat us to our own discovery. We really need this helium.

 Well, for the right amount of money, if you know where they live, there’s, uh, plenty we could do about it.

 The dealer doesn’t care, Kripke has no authority over us, and you being related to a metal container would explain a lot. Help me hook this up.

 Yeah, well, normally I wouldn’t, but my daughter’s having a sleepover, and there’s only so much screaming and Katy Perry a man can take.

 No problem, but I am gonna have to charge you a small helium restocking fee.

 It says right here on Wikipedia. A Mexican standoff is a confrontation between at least three parties.

 All right, enough with the chitchat. Are we gonna watch Ernest Goes to Jail or not?

 Yes. Don’t take your shirt off just because the director said so.

 All right, we’re just gonna have a conversation. Pretend the camera’s not here.

 I’m just saying, you pretend you don’t, but you have feelings just like everybody else.

 Well now instead of idolizing fictional characters, you can focus on the real people who are already in your life.

 And you don’t want to make the same mistake with the next woman.

 I think the quickest way to find you a new girlfriend is just to get you on every dating Web site out there.

 If you don’t want to use dating Web sites, what do you suggest?

 I have an idea. What if we put a post on Craigslist that says world-class Caltech physicist seeking girlfriend. If interested, solve the following puzzles for a chance to meet him.

 Then using that number as the average speed to calculate the travel time from Mordor to the Shire.

 Well, if she can solve them, it’ll prove she’s intelligent, tenacious and so socially awkward she has nothing better to do on a Saturday night.

 Not as fun as the night we blew up grapes in the microwave. We really have led full lives.

 Maybe you don’t want someone exactly like you. You know what they say, opposites attract.

 Hi. I’m Vanessa Bennett. Sorry it took a while for me to get here. I was stuck in this boring symposium on atomic spectroscopy when I came across your ad, and it saved my night. The puzzles were, were really fun. I’ve never had to translate Klingon into ancient Sanskrit before.

 Chija”e’vlKub je. Or, as they say in Sanskrit, Ahm asman matey-bee ta-teyva.

 Anyway, I, I just, I knew I had to meet the person responsible for such a brilliant idea. And I don’t need to tell you, there aren’t a lot of men who love physics, archaic languages and flags of the world.

 And Raj and I are volunteering at the soup kitchen, feeding food to the homeless.

 Sheldon, I can tell you want to go, so if you’d be comfortable with it, maybe we could go as friends.

 Well it is Thanksgiving in an aquarium cafeteria, so I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say yes. But if you mean between us, I think it’ll be fine.

 Did you know they served shellfish and eel at the very first Thanksgiving?

 Sheldon. We’ve known each other a long time. We are perfectly capable of having a conversation without relying on a list off the Internet.

 No. It’s okay. If we’re friends, we should be able to talk about anything.

 Let’s see. I have been on six dates with three different people. It was either for coffee or dinner. One I met at a bookstore and two I met online. I haven’t slept with anyone. The aquarium is 40 minutes away. And there’s a baggie of Cheerios for you in the glove compartment.

 Well, it wouldn’t be a holiday without you being mad at a baby.

 It’s a game where you’re given three people and you choose which one you’d kiss, marry, or kill.

 Hmm. Well, I wouldn’t fight the eel, because I know it can generate enough current to kill a horse. So I’d eat the eel, fight the shrimp, and befriend the pufferfish, because it would be nice to have company on those days I feel bloated.

 Thank you. Okay, your turn. Hmm. Seal, hagfish, SpongeBob SquarePants.

 Isn’t that gross? I mean, a hagfish can produce enough mucus to fill a bucket in a minute.

 I did. Um, listen, I really enjoyed spending this morning with you.

 It was. Uh, listen, I, I was thinking that, um, maybe I’m ready to be your girlfriend again.

 How does your brain feel about calculating the surface tension of the domain walls?

 Yeah. So you have a song stuck in your head. It happens to everybody.

 Hey, sweetie, why don’t you take a break and do something else for a while?

 Yup, she’s right. For every Newton who had a psychological issue, there’s an Edison who was just a jerk. That could totally be you.

 Well, now that you can focus again, what do you say we get back to surface tension of domain walls?

 Okay, look, I know Amy’s like an old lady, but she’s not old enough to have a song from the sixties written about her.

 You know, I’m just being silly. I, I don’t know what I’m waiting for.

 If I may, I believe what he’s saying, in a charming and delightful way, is that he loves you and wants you back. Dave Gibbs, huge fan of your work. Don’t mind me.

 I’m also really happy, but I can’t pretend it’s for you. New Star Wars in three days.

 And, and the one time where, where you were afraid, and you needed me for, for a night light. What’s, what’s troubling you?

 Well, maybe you should show her how, how important she is to you.

 Sheldon, you, you can see this movie whenever you want. But you only have a limited number of days that you, you can be with this woman. Be with her.

 Okay. Good night. Wait. Um, Sheldon, were you actually not gonna spend my birthday with me?

 Well, we could wait a couple days and see it together. (all laugh) 

 Hold on. It could be romantic. The two of them away together, keeping each other warm in snowy Wisconsin.

 Uh, all right. Um, once, once the man gets the, the woman out of her, out of her bloomers…

 Oh, good, good. ‘Cause, uh, I have no idea what kids these days are calling their, their parts.

 What is happening to this world? What, what do you actually need to know?

 Sheldon, if, if you’re with the right person, it, it’ll be okay.

 Well, that’s, that’s very nice of you to say, but I think I’m just an expression of, of your unconscious mind.

 That’s okay. Come on in. Thank you. Um, I’ll, I’m gonna go put these in water.

 Um, that sounds nice, but I’m not really hungry right now. I thought maybe we could do presents first.

 Well, I’ve been waiting for this for so long, I’ve just built it up in my head. I don’t know what to expect.

 It’s not the best Best Western I’ve been to, but I’d say it’s the third best Best Western I’ve been to.

 Bernie and I are getting the house ready for the remodel. We could always use an extra pair of hands.

 Uh, I’ve got time booked in the telescope room all weekend scanning for rogue planets. You’re more than welcome to join me.

 Well, I should warn you, it’s just looking at data for hours and hours on a computer screen.

 Uh, making sure the telescope’s camera is white-field balanced.

 Still making sure the telescope’s camera is white-field balanced.

 Now I’m making sure the telescope’s camera is white-field balanced and wishing you had a colouring book.

 Fine, you want something to do? There’s about six months of data on this hard drive. Why don’t you go through it and see if you can spot any patterns or anomalies.

 Yeah, okay, whatever it takes to keep you busy for a few hours.

 Okay, so once we receive the next image and compare it to the ones we’ve already collected, we’ll know what it is that we found.

 Okay, the final image is coming in. And the object we discovered is…

 Come on, a medium-sized asteroid is still an interesting discovery.

 So I was thinking, maybe we can come up with a name for the asteroid by combining our names.

 Oh. Sheldon, thank you. That’s so romantic. But what about Rajesh? He was okay with you choosing the name?

 Sheldon, I cooked you breakfast. I made your bed. I checked your mouth for thrush. You can rub your own chest.

 I brought you a little care package from work. It’s our latest antiviral and the best decongestant we make.

 Why don’t you tell me what happened, and in a gentle, loving way, I’ll explain to you why you’re wrong.

 Sheldon, when you’re sick, you can be unbearable. That’s why your friends have been known to work late or sneak out to the movies or stay at a neurobiology conference three days after it’s ended.

 No, no, not just that. I mean, Detroit is beautiful when it’s sleeting.

 Did you refuse to apologize and act like they were stupid for being mad?

 Everyone tried to take care of you, and you were nothing but mean to them.

 Sheldon, I understand that you’re upset because you feel left out, but I don’t know why we’re even talking about this. Just apologize to them.

 Maybe you could try apologizing because you actually feel bad. It’s called empathy. It’s something you could work on.

 Ah, so like every other M. Night Shyamalan movie I’ve seen, you spoil it in advance.

 Sheldon, I accept your apology, but you upset a lot of people while you were sick. I’m not in a position to just say you can come.

 Fine, if you apologize to everyone, they all say it’s okay, then yes, you can come.

 Well, I hope it’s as much fun as the Sheldon Cooper Spell-Checks Local Menus Tour.

 You went to Emily’s to apologise, and when you left, she was crying.

 Mm-hmm. Well, I would like to propose a toast to a well-deserved weekend of…

 If we drop them off at a fire station, they have to take them, no questions asked.

 That’s great. And look at you, sitting in Sheldon’s spot. You know, I don’t even get to sit there.

 He’s been saying that since he was little. I still don’t know what it means.

 Oh, well, you know, now, now that I’m hearing it, it does sound familiar.

 Sheldon, will you please tell your grandmother to stay out of this?

 Sheldon, tell this girl that my ring will never be on her finger.

 Who said I even want to be engaged to him? And if I do, I, I don’t need your hand-me-downs.

 I think what Sheldon means to say is we’ve both grown together. Isn’t that right?

 Sorry, Bernie and I are breaking in the new hot tub, if you know what I mean.

 People who are fans of an Internet show about flags? Trust me, they’re around.

 Okay, we are live in five, four, three, oh, wait, oh shoot, I already pushed the button. Never mind, we’re live.

 Consider tonight’s episode a Valentine’s Day gift for you, our viewers.

 Since we’re live, you’ll finally be able to reach out to us with your flag thoughts and flag questions.

 No, Sheldon’s right. Emily did say I always talk about my feelings too much.

 Yeah, I’m just sitting here all by myself wondering if I’w ever find someone to share my wife with. Pwefewabwy Asian, 18-24, no fatties.

 Look, I know you both feel bad about being alone, but sometimes the best thing you can do is take a little time for yourself, especially when you just got out of a relationship.

 Before Emily, I was alone for so long. I just, I don’t know if I can do that again.

 No, hold on, Rajesh. You know, you’re not being very sympathetic. You know first hand that breakups are hard.

 It can be. Confetti fight. Maybe you should take a break. I got this.

 Hey, Raj, I read a couple of guys in your department may have discovered a new planet in our solar system?

 Because instead of being in the telescope room, I was busy making you guys home made jam for the holidays.

 Would an adult refuse to eat his graham crackers because one of them was broken?

 And then there’s this nose. I mean, what if he looks like me? Or worse, what if she looks like me?

 Well, look at this. I bet whoever invented tiny umbrellas doesn’t have to worry about money. He can have all the kids he wants.

 That’s just research. We’re never gonna make any money from it.

 It’s true. I like my giant iPad and my little iPad almost as much as my regular-sized iPad.

 I’d like to dedicate my last song of the evening to my wife, best friend, and now the mother of our child. I love you, Bernie. (Singing) Havin’ my baby, what a lovely way of sayin’ how much you love me. Havin’ my baby, what a lovely way of sayin’ what you’re thinkin’ of me.

 Well, your birthday’s coming up, and you’ve never let us celebrate it, and I was hoping maybe this year we could.

 Well, I think they just want you to see it for the first time all decorated.

 Well, I’m, I’m sure they’ll ask you to give a speech, and that’s when you just tear ’em a new one. Have to say, you, you do look good in that suit.

 Because you e-mail me your bathroom schedule once a week, even though I’ve clicked unsubscribe, like, a thousand times. So, what’s going on?

 I get that. Hey, you want to just bring a few people in here? You know, Wil Wheaton in the bathtub, Batman on the toilet. It’ll be like the weirdest Comic-Con ever.

 Oh, pl, you’re not ruining it. Look, at some point, Raj will try to get everyone to do the Electric Slide. Now, that will ruin it.

 That’s fine. You know, I hate that your sister and her friends used to torture you. But what I hate even more is, if I was there, I would have tortured you, too.

 My point is, there was a time I never would’ve been friends with someone like you, and now you are one of my favourite people. So, if what you need is to spend your birthday in a bathroom, I’m happy to do it with you.

 What are you wooking at me for? I’m a saint. But a sinner in the sack.

 If I may, I, I’d like to propose a toast. Um, thank you all for coming tonight. I know it’s customary for the birthday boy to receive presents, but I feel like I got the greatest gift the day he was born.

 Okay, then, uh, Sheldon, we’ve known each other a long time. And it is a pleasure to work with you and call you my friend.

 Sheldon, I know that we’ve had our ups and downs, but I can honestly say that my life is so much more interesting because you are in it. We may have met because you are a fan of Star Trek. But I have become a fan of Sheldon Cooper. Live long and prosper, buddy. And happy birthday.

 And it was Gandhi who said, live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

 Uh, in the past, I would’ve said something obnoxious, like, happy birthday, dumbass. But I’m not gonna do it. You and I have both grown a lot, and it’s just so nice to see you all again. So, happy birthday, Sheldon.

 I can’t think of anything to say that hasn’t already been said, so, here’s to you, Sheldon.

 Sheldon, we’ve been together so long, it’s hard to remember a time you weren’t in my life. And believe me, I try. You make me laugh. You make me a better scientist. You make me crazy. You’re more than just my roommate, you’re my brother.

 Okay, while they get the cake, Sheldon, I just want to say, I hope you didn’t think you were gonna get through tonight without a hug.

 So, I’ve reviewed your paperwork, and it seems like we’ve got everything we need to file a patent for your infinite persistence gyroscope.

 We can’t. It says on their Web site, as long as we work there, they have a controlling ownership of anything we come up with.

 Or, if we ended up making money from this, Sheldon and I could split our shares with you.

 So, you’re just gonna sign this without having a lawyer look at it?

 Yeah. But, um, we were talking, and I’m a little concerned about the three of us forming a partnership.

 Sheldon, my concern is not with the money or anything. It’s, it’s with how you treat me.

 Are you saying that his contributions aren’t as valuable as yours?

 Hang on. Maybe there should be a no insult clause about me, too.

 Deaw Aby, could you pleathe dwive be to the twain thtow thubtibe tobowow?

 Sheldon, why don’t you get a new computer? You know that one’s out-of-date.

 Look, I’m, I’m sorry for your loss, but I think I have something that might make you feel better. I got you a new computer.

 Knock it off or I’ll start making W-H sounds for words that just have a W.

 Okay. How ’bout we change it to why you’re being weird about this?

 It’s okay, Sheldon. You know, I’ve saved a lot of weird things, too.

 Well, um, did you know I have a microscope slide with a little bit of tissue from the first brain I ever dissected?

 That’s me, your emotional outhouse. You know, if you ever decide you want to do something about this, I’m, I’m here for you.

 Buddy, I am ready to drive you into the wilderness any time you want and leave you there.

 You know, if you really want to be in nature, why don’t we rent a cabin?

 You know, if that study’s real, Leonard might come back smarter than you.

 I know. Did you see they still have a video rental place? it’s like Colonial Williamsburg.

 Well, she is taking me to an Indigo Girls concert, so hold that thought.

 Okay. My turn. Um, never have I ever completely rocked my girlfriend’s world in bed.

 But Batman is a man. You’re talking about a man who would have the powers of a man. That’s just Man-Man.

 This meeting is a waste of time. Whether we make the switch from Post Raisin Bran to Kellogg’s Raisin Bran should not require parliamentary procedure.

 Because it’s important to him, and when we signed the roommate agreement, we made a deal.

 Mm, I think so. Dragons, snow zombies, and all the hot guys are dead.

 Oh, he’s all bent out of shape about having a roommate agreement meeting.

 Well, I know how he feels. I never enjoyed our relationship agreement meetings.

 Oh, Sheldon, I never thought re-filing a matter in a standing subcommittee could be so fascinating.

 Oh, good, go. You know, it’ll be nice to watch an episode without someone saying, I read the books, don’t get too fond of this character.

 Thanks. This thing kept getting caught in the chain of my bike.

 It just said Italian sub. I had no idea mortadella has pistachios in it.

 Okay. But you using Sheldon to do your dirty work is like when Cersei used the King’s Guard to do her bidding.

 ‘Cause we’re not in it for the stuff. We’re in it for the groupies.

 Well, I’m going. You couldn’t stop me from getting a massage at the mall, and you’re not stopping me now.

 Oh, that’s great. I’ve been wanting her to meet you guys, too, so this seems like the perfect opportunity.

 They know that we’re not exclusive, and we just don’t ask too many questions.

 Fine. Preliminary trial of the infinite persistence gyroscopic navigational system, phase one commencing.

 I storm in, slam my sword down, and say, barkeep, bring me the strongest ale you have and serve it in the skull of a goblin.

 Wow, this night turned out to be so much more fun than I thought.

 Thank you for this. You know, ever since people found out I’m having a baby, I feel like I became Pregnant Bernadette. It was nice to take a little break tonight.

 Hey, did you ever think about the military applications for the guidance system?

 Hey, Penny, um, since you’re already gonna be at the airport, do I need to go?

 Well, I can do without the 40-minute car ride where she criticizes every aspect of my life.

 That is very mature of you, so I’m gonna go ahead and say, suckah.

 Did you guys see there’s an Avengers screening? Joss Whedon’s gonna show some deleted scenes and do a question and answer session.

 It’s not a big deal. Go shopping with Amy, and we’ll save a spot in line for you.

 Waking up, wondering which one of those fans stole our wallets.

 Sheldon, you are the most inconsiderate person I have ever met in my entire life. Where do you get off sending me to shop with your girlfriend?

 Oh, I’m not upset with you, but Amy’s pretty bent out of shape, so she hired me to let you have it.

 So, when the aliens brought you back, they just left the probe in?

 We’d still get in, but first I’d hit you over the head with his stick chair.

 The Avengers are rule-breakers. Being vengeful is in their job description.

 I can’t believe we’re gonna get beat up, and it’s not because of your chair.

 Okay, you may have to pretend you’re black to get us out of here.

 I’ve always had a special place in my heart for Leonard. Taking care of my baby all these years.

 Uh, who’s hungry? We have a reservation at the best restaurant in town.

 Uh, I would like to propose a toast to my wife and bride-to-be.

 We’re not gonna be brothers. We’re not gonna be stepbrothers. Go to sleep.

 Your parents are old. Anything unspeakable was finished by 9:30. Go to sleep.

 God, I thought my brother fresh out of jail was gonna make everyone uncomfortable, but now this.

 Oh, hey, and do yourself a favour, all right? When Beverly gets here, do not bring up last night. All right? As far as you’re concerned, you don’t know anything, you didn’t see anything. I want you just to play dumb.

 I just cannot stay here while your father goes out of his way to humiliate me.

 I don’t see why I should have to watch your father parade around with some bible-thumping bumpkin.

 Okay, Beverley, aren’t you overreacting a little? All we know is they shared a cab and had a nightcap. 

 Yeah, special, like that. (Knock on door) That’s them. Please don’t make things any more awkward than they already are.

 If I may, I can assure you, your mother and I did nothing more than share a cab and a conversation.

 How could you think that I would spend the night with a man I just met?

 No, no, nothing to be sorry about. I genuinely like your father.

 Sheldon, they haven’t done anything wrong. I think it’s nice they’re hitting it off.

 Not just Leonard and Penny’s love, but the love we have for them, as well as each other.

 Sheldon, you’re mother’s an attractive woman. You need to get use to the fact that men are going to be interested in her.

 So some alien kid spent his money on the asthma-and-glasses upgrade for me?

 Yeah. This military guy showed up at Howard’s door. He was terrifying.

 He gave me his business card and asked me to please pass it along to Howard.

 Sheldon, we could be contributing to a weapons system that oppresses mankind for the next thousand years.

 Well, I don’t know much about patent law. But, uh, my advice is hear them out, offer as little information as possible, and whatever you do, don’t sign anything.

 Someday, when I’m up on murder charges, you’ll be hearing from me.

 It’s a group effort, but I guess if we had to pick a main brain, it would be me.

 Well, if it makes you feel any better, Bernadette’s mad at me, too.

 Well, I told people at work that she’s pregnant. She wasn’t ready for them to know.

 We only have two months to deliver this to the Air Force because of you.

 Guys, we’re not gonna get anything done if we start fighting. Now, can you please try

 Well, Sheldon was supposed to go to this party with me this afternoon, but I don’t think that’s happening.

 Oh, I’ll have some wine and listen to people go on about crap I don’t understand. I mean, how is it any different than every single day of my life?

 You look tired. Why don’t you have an energy drink? Everyone’s doing it.

 All right. But if you ever want to feel like you have superpowers, try one of these.

 You bet. You know why Hulk is so strong? Steroids. You know why Batman wanders around at night getting into fights? Scotch.

 Oh, it’s complicated. He finds pushing that little door and reaching up into the machine

 That’s not helpful. It’s fun to think about, but it’s not helpful. Hey, Sheldon, we are on a serious time crunch. We can’t do this without you. Can you please pull it together?

 No, you don’t. But let’s say you do. And don’t say you do, because you don’t. Now, wouldn’t you think that throwing yourself into your work would be the best way to deal with it?

 Is it about the rotational symmetries you should be figuring out or your fake caffeine problem?

 Sheldon. We are dealing with an impossible deadline from the Air Force because of you. So have an energy drink, don’t have an energy drink. Order suppositories and shove ’em wherever you want, I don’t care.

 Right. Listen to me. We can’t do anything until you do your part. So get up in front of this whiteboard and do it.

 Okay, you guys had sex one whole time. Nothing can put out a fire like that.

 Sheldon, I understand your apprehension, but let me appeal to the scientist in you. Given the five-week end date, isn’t it the perfect opportunity to consider this an experiment and collect data on our compatibility?

 Okay. Star Trek, the original series, the Enterprise was on a five-year mission to explore new worlds. Think of this as your personal five-week mission to do the same.

 Wait. Why don’t you guys stay across the hall, and we will live here?

 Okay, it won’t be that bad. We wouldn’t even sit in your spot while you’re gone.

 Mm. Well, the biggie is, if she has an insane roommate, kick him out as soon as possible.

 That’s me. Listen, you and I are gonna be sharing a bed. You know, this is uncharted territory for both of us. How are you feeling about that?

 Well, if you’re nervous about the sleeping arrangements, maybe we should talk about it.

 Well, I imagine one of your concerns might be coital expectations. 

 Look, I know this experiment is a big step outside of your comfort zone. So why don’t we take being physical off the table and maybe later on, once we’re more settled in, we can revisit it.

 I’ve never lived with someone, either. This is a lot for me, too.

 Good call. Seeing your Teen Titans underwear really got my motor running.

 You enjoy your mission to boldly go where no man has gone before.

 Well, that’s it. For the next five weeks, we are officially living together.

 Well, Sheldon, I really appreciate that, but these things mean more to you than they do to me, so whatever you want.

 Sheldon? I know we took coitus off the table, but I was wondering how you feel about other forms of intimacy, such as snuggling.

 Sheldon, I’ve made more than enough accommodations for you. We’re both grown adults, we’ve been far more intimate than this. If you don’t want to snuggle, fine, but we’re not building a pillow wall.

 What would a theoretical physicist understand about an experiment anyway? I mean, you wouldn’t know a confounding variable if two of them hit you in the face at the same time. And you don’t even get that joke, ’cause you don’t even work with confounding variables.

 When you live with someone, there’s gonna be conflict. You just have to keep communicating.

 Well, so does Leonard. It’s kind of annoying, but it’s not the end of the world.

 You know, so does Leonard. Can’t I just get ready in the morning without him giving me his goofy thumbs-up? Hey-hey-hey.

 You know, one night, Leonard’s nose whistled so loud, I swear it was like sleeping on a train track.

 Oh, please, you’re barely interested in a physical relationship with one person. Why would you want to confuse and disappoint others?

 Well, who you gonna hit on? The girl in front of us got strawberry. That’s your favourite.

 Down the road? Sheldon, she wanted to share a toothbrush holder with you, and now you’re at an ice cream parlour trying to pick up women.

 Honey, instead of worrying about pain you might cause in the future, how about trying to fix the pain you’re causing her right now?

 We’re doing good. I think Sheldon has something he would like to say to Amy.

 You know, with us living together, maybe we could think about having people over.

 Well, that’s not a surprise at all. I mean, if I knew you were good at surprises, I would have

 Uh, no. He, he just means that you were the first people we thought of.

 As you may notice, just one of the changes around here is our new house band. 

 So, in the spirit of cohabitation, the theme of today’s episode is flags of two regions coming together as one. Such as the flag of St. Kitts and Nevis.

 No. And on the subject of subjects, is your use of the word subject the same or different as when we speak about the subject of a king?

 I wouldn’t worry about it. She’s probably just distracted by work.

 Buddy, buddy, listen, nothing bad is going on, she just, she just didn’t want you to know that the work on her apartment was finished a couple weeks ago.

 She’s enjoying living with you and she didn’t want it to end early.

 Eventually, I guess. Although, I am kind of curious how long she thinks she can keep hiding my stuff without me knowing.

 Yeah, we swung by her apartment on the way to the restaurant, and they’re gonna be fixing it for a while.

 Penny was just covering for me. My place has been ready for two weeks.

 Now that everything’s out on the table, you, you think you two will keep living together?

 Sweetie, once you stop paying rent, none of this is really yours.

 Of course. Jean Buridan proposed a philosophical thesis stating that a hungry donkey placed between two equidistant bales of hay would be paralysed by indecision and would starve to death.

 Well, I wouldn’t want you to starve to death, so here’s an eggplant.

 You know, some people believe that Buridan was plagiarizing Aristotle.

 Although, in Aristotle’s example, he proposed an equally hungry and thirsty man caught between food and drink.

 Are you suggesting Al-Ghazali was Aristotelian? ‘Cause if anything, he was anti-Aristotelian.

 Sheldon, if I’m gonna synthesize a neural network from our skin cells, I need to harvest them. Now, I’ve done this dozens of times, but if you’re too scared you don’t have to.

 Just think how happy you’ll be in a few weeks when I’ve converted our skin cells into functional brain cells.

 Those are your eyelashes, move. Well, Sheldon, I see astrocytes. Our combined skin cells are now a primitive neural network.

 Sheldon, this is a rudimentary collection of neurons. I mean, it’s remarkable, but it’s still limited in what it can do.

 Well, I turned this one into a functioning boyfriend, so sky’s the limit.

 Are you actually comparing my human baby to your brain in a bowl?

 You do realize my baby has functioning organs and can recognize voices.

 Well, have fun with whatever nightmare’s behind door number two.

 And he doesn’t have to use it for research, he can do whatever he wants with it.

 Thanks. I was as surprised as anybody. When they called and told me I won, I didn’t believe them. And then they said, no, you really won. And then I said, cool.

 I know, and it was the greatest sarcastic quip I’ve ever heard.

 Oh, I heard him interviewed on the radio. You know, when they told him he won, he didn’t believe it, but then he did believe it. It was so funny.

 You know what, I’ve met Bert. Isn’t he an indicator of life on other planets?

 You know, Sheldon, maybe if you take the time to actually read Bert’s research, you’d be less bitter about him winning.

 I couldn’t just take the compliment. I had to ask why. You know, I do understand what you’re feeling. My brother and sister’s accomplishments have always been held over my head.

 I wet the bed until college, but I don’t think that’s a quality fix.

 Do it. Visualize it as your anger and, and toss it out of your life.

 You know, Sheldon, instead of fixating on what Bert has, you should appreciate all of the good things in your life. You’ve got love, you’re in good health, you’ve got a roof over your head.

 Thanks. I’ve been hearing that a lot. Ever since I won, people think I’m great.

 You know, as a MacArthur Grant winner, I’m allowed to nominate someone for next year.

 So I was thinking, you know, engineers don’t get a lot of respect. Is your friend Howard working on anything cool?

 It’s not hard. Just picture the Three Stooges, and then take away two stooges.

 Oh, I don’t mind. If you pull a butterscotch out of your pocket, it would be like I’m walking with my grandma.

 Well, change plaque to mixed-race couple and you are my grandma.

 Wow, I won the MacArthur Grant, everyone’s jealous of me. Once I get Lasik, I’ll be out of things to wish for.

 Well, you know, we’re both pretty smart. I bet if we put our heads together, we could come up with a solution.

 Great. Now that we’re friends, want to see if we can get tickets to a taping of Ellen?

 Sheldon, wait. You know, you’ve got a lot to be happy about. You’re at the top of your field, you have a great girlfriend.

 A new study came out, and it said that laughing makes your brain work better. And I know that’s true because laughing has made me the smartiest. Although, on the other hand, babies laugh a lot, and they’re dumb.

 If we’re going to be staying in this apartment, would you be interested in doing a little redecorating?

 Well, how about we start a little smaller? Like moving the furniture around.

 Look, we can’t just throw away Penny’s stuff, but we can ask if she wants any of it back.

 Well, I’m sure she misses this one. I mean, it’s the greatest gift I’ve ever given anybody.

 It may have appreciated in value. The artist killed himself shortly after painting that.

 Yeah, I don’t need anything around that I can stab myself with.

 Sounds right, a limited edition collectible worth hundreds of dollars and a thing that grew out of a thing we fished from the trash.

 Live long and prosper. Live long and prosper. Live long and prosper. Live long and prosper.

 You know what, Sheldon, take it. In fact, you can have everything, I really don’t care.

 Well, you know what’s gonna happen, he’s just gonna come up with some reason why everything should be his.

 Sheldon, you’re, you’re being a little selfish. Why don’t you let Leonard keep a few things?

 But you made me order it because you were too well-known in the flag community and they’d jack up the price.

 Oh, I do. The, the field of blue represents you being miserable, and the lion sticking its tongue out means I’m happy about it.

 Unbelievable. Okay, uh, I don’t know what he told you, but you can’t stay here.

 Oh, uh, I don’t know. Sheldon, you don’t want to do that, do you?

 Okay, that makes sense. I mean, the mood’s a little different now. We, we don’t have to rush.

 Hold on. I think I might have a little surprise that might help get things back on track.

 One second. All right, you can open your eyes. I thought I’d let Harry Potter make things hotter.

 I know that. But to be fair, I’ve spent nine months helping Bernadette get ready for this baby, and Howard spent five minutes conceiving it. And I’m being generous.

 I understand, but this is a special day for them. Can you just try and let it go?

 Well, you’re all thinking it, I’m the only one who hasn’t done anything worthwhile.

 Oh, yay, I have a doctorate in astrophysics and I’m every bit as awesome as the pasty-faced owner of a comic book store.

 I’ve come to peace with my relationship with my parents. That was a big milestone for me.

 And before our next drive to Comic-Con, I need the name of that juice.

 So, while we’re at your mother’s house, it might be a good time to tell her that we’re living together.

 Well, she likes me. You know, there’s a chance she might be okay with it.

 Thank you, God, for the food we are about to receive and for the nourishment of our bodies and bless the hands that prepared it. Amen.

 Oh, that’s wonderful. Now, have they decided to raise it Jewish or regular?

 They haven’t said. Anyway, we, uh, we also have some exciting news to share.

 Well, thank you for letting me know, and I, for one, am thrilled.

 Obviously, I would prefer if you weren’t living out of wedlock, but given your special circumstances, I’m very happy for you.

 Shelly, how do I put this? By your third birthday, you had memorized over a thousand different kinds of trains, and I never imagined a woman getting aboard any of them.

 No. Just for the middle part. ‘Cause at the end I assumed there’d be nurses.

 Well, after that, Sheldon and I got out of the house for a while.

 You know, I’m sorry your mother made you feel bad. But, you know, at the end of the day, she was wrong, because you’re not alone.

 Sheldon, I knew your mother was fine with us living together because I already told her we were.

 This was a potential issue, so I got out ahead of it and I managed the situation for you.

 Not your whole life. I mean, science, you got that. Organizing your sock drawer, you’re the king. But understanding how other people are feeling, that’s a weak spot for you.

 You and I are in a relationship. I help you with your shortcomings, and you help me with mine.

 Oh, it’s no problem, Amy and Sheldon were just telling us about their trip to Texas.

 I don’t understand how that turns into the worst fight of your life.

 By the way, if anyone asks, the elevator shaft always had a tree in it.

 Oh, don’t take it so personally, maybe your baby’s just a jerk.

 If you must know, Penny won a spa weekend from work, and she’s taking me.

 Its not that I’d stopped trying, its just how relationships progress. They start with infatuation, but over time mellow into something more comfortable.

 Okay. I don’t get it, you said make an effort, here I am making an effort. 

 Sheldon, when I said I was fine, I meant I didn’t want to talk about it any more.

 No. No, you don’t, you really don’t. I actually can’t say don’t enough.

 Sheldon, I just heard from the guys at MIT about that emotion reader. They’re sending a prototype for you to beta test.

 No, it’s my brother’s. I’m trying to help him get a job out here.

 It still counts. You know, how is this any different from you making me live with Sheldon?

 Stay out of this. You and your stupid machine started this fight.

 Sheldon, dinner’s ready. I made beef loaf, because I know you’re uncomfortable with the non-specificity of meat loaf. Sheldon? Hey, are you okay?

 Well, everybody has things that they need help with. Like me, I can’t see without my glasses. And right now you’re just a, a cute, pink smudge wearing a childish green smudge.

 Yes, you are. There have definitely been days when I was sad and you could tell.

 No, see, right there, you knew you hurt my feelings. And I’m proud of you, for reasons I’m sure have something to do with my father. And if you don’t like that machine, get rid of it. Because I love you exactly the way you are.

 Oh, I’m gonna throw you so hard, I might actually win a stuffed animal.

 We can’t. He was already fixed when I found him at the shelter.

 Let’s see. You’re better than us, a little bit sorry for us, but mostly glad you don’t have to be us.

 Sheldon, we don’t need to make this smaller, and your work is done. Go home.

 Okay, look, Sheldon, the Colonel wants us to make the guidance system smaller, and we can’t do it without you.

 Sheldon, you can still go on the trip in a few weeks. Just help us out.

 Come on, you know you’re not leaving physics. Why are you doing this?

 And with all these new skills, you’d be able to fix any model train. You’d be the king of the train store.

 We’re betting to see if Koothrappali can hold his breath longer than the disk can spin.

 Dig deep, like when we bet you couldn’t fit into Howard’s pants.

 Because that’s what you do when you see someone you know in a public place.

 Sheldon, there’s a difference between greeting a friend and following a celebrity into a bathroom.

 Yeah. Their slogan is we’re all about dating and not the carbon-14 kind.

 Sheldon, it’s humiliating. Thanks to you, my colleagues are gossiping about our sex life.

 I’m not sleeping on the couch because you don’t know what’s private and what’s not.

 That’s different. She’s a close friend, not the lady in the cafeteria who cuts the crust off your sandwiches.

 Are you really worried about revealing secrets to Stephen Hawking?

 So when I got up at 4am. to drive you across the desert to an antique train museum, I didn’t have to?

 What if there’s someone who just likes controlling other people and stealing joy from their lives?

 Okay, Sheldon. Yeah, I’m putting you in charge of my finances. I will not spend another penny that you don’t authorize.

 No. Which will make me miserable, which is usually Sheldon’s job.

 Okay, you’re right, I got myself into this, but I’ve never missed a Comic-Con with you guys.

 Hang, hang on. So I have to bring Penny, you can’t afford it, Howard’s gonna get in trouble, and this guy gets to have a great time.

 Now we’re going as Hulk and She-Hulk. I don’t want to take my shirt off at Comic-Con.

 Really? Because she doesn’t actually want to go. She’s just doing it to make him happy.

 No, you’re not gonna tell them anything. You’re gonna stay out of it.

 Thank you, but it doesn’t look like I’m going to Comic-Con this year.

 I’ve been plenty of times. If I miss one, it’s fine. I’m a big boy.

 Well, Sheldon’s getting a little better with dogs. He even took a picture with Pluto at Disneyland.

 And I think it’s nice that you’re taking whatever medication Amy’s clearly giving you.

 Don’t listen to them. What’s weird is that Penny almost got a science fact right.

 There are a lot of memories wrapped up in that room. For me, too. The first time you told me you loved me was in that room.

 Well, this isn’t an easy time for him. He’s losing his apartment, he’s in debt, he’s probably humiliated.

 Well, a bunch of fake snakes better not spring out of it, ’cause that was a lousy anniversary present.

 You’re right, I am humiliated. Thanks for pointing it out. You’re such a jerk.

 Very well, but, uh, if you don’t mind, I’d still like to pause for effect. Now, you’ve recently moved in with Dr. Fowler, yes?

 Clearly, your old room represents an escape hatch, and without it, you’re forced to confront the terrifying reality of being trapped in a relationship with Amy forever.

 Interesting. They’ve found a need to take yet another room mate. Seems they’re avoiding some harsh realities themselves.

 I mean, how it relates to our relationship, not the bromance between you and your brain.

 I don’t know. I just think you’re the kind of person who likes a contingency plan.

 I’m doing some experiments to show that the signal to move a muscle occurs before you know you even decided to move it.

 Yes, I’m trying to figure out to the nanometer and the attosecond, precisely where and when an event of awareness takes place.

 You know, I like harp lessons, but I’m thinking of switching to elevator repair lessons. What are you working on?

 Wait, are you saying if we combine my experiment with your calculations, we can determine the precise moment in time when the wave function collapses?

 You know, we’ve never collaborated professionally before. Are you worried it might affect our relationship?

 Sheldon, if we’re gonna have ground rules, I’ll tell you the first ground rule. I make the ground rules.

 Number two, disagreements can happen politely. There’s no need to call an idea stupid.

 Number three, to avoid getting frustrated, we take built-in breaks and reward our successes with a small treat.

 Fine. Fine. You want me to blow my nose? Here, I’ll blow it. Better?

 You know, you’re exhausting. I knew working together was a bad idea.

 That would mean that this delayed parameter should be increased 250 milliseconds.

 I had a feeling you were using the wrong computational model, but I didn’t say anything ’cause you’re so sensitive.

 Hey, I wonder what kind of success we’d have if we defined measurement as the first moment that an action potential is seen by the visual cortex.

 We’re finally making progress. I wish we could do it without fighting.

 I suppose it’s conceivable that the hormones associated with our fight-or-flight response could be sharpening our cognitive processes.

 How dare you speak that way about my Grammy and hey, wait a second. Wait. Delta T could equal alpha sub-zero.

 Revised ground rule number one, we are on the same team, but it is a competition.

 Revised ground rule number two, there are definitely stupid questions, and those who ask them can be told so right to their stupid face.

 Thanks, babe. Number three, fair topics for insult include educational pedigree, scientific field, intellectual prowess, and mamas.

 Are you asking because you want me there or out of pity? Actually, never mind, don’t answer. I’d love to.

 Why did you tell Leonard you’re working on the gyroscope tomorrow?

 Uh, before we do, what are you wearing, oh, friend who we pretend is normal?

 Anyway, Sheldon, we’re at a decision point to run the xenon stream through the cryo-cooler or through the vacuum filter.

 Well, if we run the xenon stream through the cryo-cooler, it’ll be cooled immediately before it reacts with the conduction.

 Sheldon, this is silly. You can’t expect us to do quality work with you popping in and out like this.

 Incredible. Sheldon, I didn’t expect that you could work on both projects, but I, I was wrong.

 I got to admit, we didn’t think you’d be able to do two things at once.

 You know, there was a time I would say what’s a soup sack? But I’m glad we’re past that. (Sheldon sneezes) You know, there was a time I would say God bless you, and then you would say if you must invoke an imaginary deity, how about Thor? And I would say, how do you know I didn’t mean Thor? And then you would say Touché, and that there ends the tale of why I no longer say

 Well, you’re pretty delicate. Maybe you shouldn’t be pushing yourself so hard.

 All right. Well, we’ll just pretend that you didn’t catch a cold watching Frozen.

 Uh, you were in the building, you were at the university, then you were somewhere on Colorado Boulevard.

 Fine. Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.

 Weiches Kätzchen, warmes Kätzchen, das nie und nimmer murrt. Liebes Kätzchen, müdes Kätzchen, schnurrt, schnurrt, schnurrt.

 Now, I’m sure many of you are wondering how Fun with Flags began. 

 Hey, we’re all having dinner tonight. Why don’t the two of you join us?

 Actually, I’m not new to this. I was engaged to a Scientologist.

 I came to Los Angeles to be an actress, and things didn’t really work out.

 She better be. On our first date, I bought her an 80-inch flat-screen.

 I’m gonna hold out and see if I can find a hot young blonde who likes me for me.

 Look, sweetie, relationships aren’t about money, okay? It’s about respect and having things in common and… yes, Sheldon?

 Fun with Flags: Behind the Behind the Flags: A Retrospective Retrospective.

 Well, I know how you feel. I tried one of those electronic Japanese toilets, practically shot myself across the room.

 Now, this is rare. I don’t know which one of you I want to stop talking first.

 How is super-aging any different than, like, doing crossword puzzles?

 If you really want to challenge yourself, you could learn to speak Hindi.

 Okay. Shall we? Oh, my God. It’s light, it’s flaky, it’s buttery. You don’t need to have sex with him, just eat one of these.

 Well, clearly mental tasks are not enough. Maybe you need to challenge your motor skills.

 You want a real challenge, try keeping me from eating more of these.

 And it’s hard, isn’t it? So the key is, the moment one ball is at the top of its arc, you toss the next one. Hmm?

 No, it’s if you want to have fun, start with one. Yours we think, but we do not say. All right, just toss it up and catch it a few times, get comfortable with it.

 Oh. Well, Bernadette made me promise if you didn’t want it, we’d give it to a homeless clown. What happened to learning the unicycle?

 Sheldon, is it possible that when things get really difficult, you just give up?

 That’s ridiculous, you’re a brilliant man. The best years of your life are still ahead of you.

 Well, if you’re really worried about your career, maybe you should consider spending a little less time with video games and comic books.

 Okay, fine, let’s say you never win a Nobel Prize. Let’s say you spend your life doing solid scientific research surrounded by friends and loved ones who appreciate you, not for what you’ve accomplished but for who you are as a man. Wouldn’t that be a life well-lived?

 Phase two, we test it, perfect it, and hope to live long enough to see the movie based on our lives starring more attractive versions of us.

 It’s a secure lab in a classified facility, only the U.S. government and us.

 I’m sorry to hear that. As you know, the primary focus of the United States military is people’s feelings.

 Oh, the more details, the more sorry. Well, maybe this’ll cheer you up. I made your favorite oatmeal, plain.

 You know, what you need to do is put this Air Force project behind you and just dive into something new.

 Oh, I don’t know, I mean, let’s say we succeed in proving that our consciousness creates reality. I mean, what will we have really accomplished? You know, a loaf of bread’s still three bucks.

 Well, I haven’t accepted it yet. I wanted to talk to you first.

 Instead of dwelling on the negative, think about this. Your girlfriend was given an amazing opportunity, which gives you an opportunity to show her that you’re a loving and supportive boyfriend.

 Do you think it’s possible you might enjoy being on your own for a little while?

 It’s so strange, earlier today I ended a sentence with a preposition and you weren’t there to correct my grammar.

 Not ’til you tell me about your latest paper on quantum loop theory.

 The point is this could be nothing and we are all overreacting.

 I was proud of him, a lot of people don’t put their face in the water on the first day.

 Sheldon talks about her all the time. I can’t wait to meet her.

 Uh, so, Ramona, tell us about yourself. Do you, do you have a boyfriend?

 Uh-huh. Hang on. (answering phone) Hello. A little late, Leonard. Sorry.

 Okay, I know you don’t have a lot of experience with women, but Ramona seems to have a romantic interest in you.

 Well, sometimes women don’t care. Sometimes it makes them want a guy even more.

 Okay. Um, let’s try this. Think of yourself as one of those limited edition toys people like to collect.

 One across is Aegean, eight down is Nabakov, twenty-six across is MCM, fourteen down is… move your finger… phylum, which makes fourteen across Port-au-Prince. See, Papa Doc’s capital idea, that’s Port-au-Prince. Haiti. 

 Yeah, it’s like regular boggle but, in Klingon. That’s probably enough about us, tell us about you.

 I think what Sheldon’s trying to say, is that Sagittarius wouldn’t have been our first guess.

 No, it’s not crazy it’s, uh, uh, it’s a paradox. And paradoxes are part of nature, think about light. Now if you look at Huygens, light is a wave, as confirmed by the double slit experiments, but then, along comes Albert Einstein and discovers that light behaves like particles too. Well, I didn’t make it worse.

 Oh, I’m so sorry, I’m such a mess, and on top of everything else I’m all gross from moving and my stupid shower doesn’t even work.

 Well, your ex-boyfriend sends his regards and I think the rest is fairly self-explanatory.

 I’m so sorry, I really thought if you guys went instead of me he wouldn’t be such an ass.

 Really, thank you so much for going and trying you’re, uh, you’re so terrific. Why don’t you put some clothes on, I’ll get my purse and dinner is on me, okay?

 Any ideas Raj? (He just looks at her with a worried expression.)

 Turn left on Lake Street and head up to Colorado. I know a wonderful little sushi bar that has karaoke.

 Haven’t you ever been told how beautiful you are in flawless Russian?

 Um, if you don’t have any other plans, do you want to join us for Thai food and a Superman movie marathon?

 Yeah, I do like the one where Lois Lane falls from the helicopter and Superman swooshes down and catches her, which one was that? 

 I’m doing this to be a good neighbour. In any case, there’s no way it could lower the odds.

 Oh, hey Penny, this just arrived, we just brought this up, just now.

 Okay, look, no Penny, I think what you’re feeling is perfectly valid, and maybe a little bit later today when you’re feeling a little bit less, for lack of a better word, violated, maybe we could talk about this some more.

 We’re okay. (Kisses him on cheek. Closes door. Leonard looks happy, walks back across hallway and straight into the apartment door.)

 Guys, seriously, I grew up on a farm, okay, I rebuilt a tractor engine when I was like twelve, I think I can put together a cheap Swedish media centre. 

 These instructions are a pictographic representation of the least imaginative way to assemble these components. This right here is why Sweden has no space program.

 How about liquid coolant? Maybe a little aquarium pump here, run some quarter inch PVC…

 Hold on, honey, men at work. The PVC comes down here, maybe a little corrugated sheet metal as a radiator here.

 Guys, it’s hot in here, I think I’ll just take off all my clothes. 

 Stay frosty, there’s a horde of armed goblins on the other side of that gate guarding the Sword of Azeroth.

 I’ve got him Leonard. Tonight I spice my meat with goblin blood!

 Wooh, I’m all sweaty, anybody want to log on to second life and go swimming, I just built a virtual pool.

 Oh no, that’s probably not such a good idea. Civil servants have a documented propensity to, you know, snap. 

 No, I’m fine. Penny’s fine, the guy she’s kissing is really fine and…

 No, I’m not jealous, I’m just a little concerned for her. I didn’t like the look of the guy that she was with.

 I disagree, love is not a sprint, it’s a marathon. A relentless pursuit that only ends when she falls into your arms. Or hits you with the pepper spray. 

 Well, I’m done with Penny. I’m going to be more realistic and go after someone my own speed.

 I think Mrs Tishman’s got her eye on you. I’ve been there, you’re in for a treat. 

 When I take a girl out on a date, and I do, she knows she’s been dated. Capital D. Bold face, underline, like Day-ted. I think I might have a little concussion, I’m going to go lay down for a while, good night. 

 This is great. Look at me, out in the real world of ordinary people, just living their ordinary, colourless, workaday lives. 

 That was fun. Maybe tomorrow we can go to one of those big warehouse stores. 

 This is ridiculous. Dammit, Sheldon, snap out of it. You’re a physicist, you belong at the University doing research, not hiding in your room. (Sheldon scuttles away)

 What do you recommend for someone who worked up a man-sized appetite from a morning of weight training and cardio-funk?

 Yeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in advanced placement classes wasn’t getting me beaten up enough. 

 Really? (Howard performs some of the worst beatboxing imaginable.) I’m actually not that into music. So hey, your friend’s really cute, anything going on with you two. 

 How can she take your order when you’re too neurotic to talk to her.

 Big boy! (Wakes up, looks at watch, wraps self in blanket, walks towards kitchen) Someone touched my board. Oh God, my board. Leonard! Leonard!

 Pretty, very, there’s really no objective scale for delineating variations of good, why do you ask?

 Well, a little bird told me that you and Lesley hooked up last night. 

 Alright, well, I’ll talk to you later, but, I am so happy for you Leonard. 

 Um, I don’t know, a psychiatrist? So hey, how are things with you and Lesley? 

 Oh, oh that’s too bad. Well hey, don’t worry, I’m sure there is someone out there who is just right for you. (Walks away smiling).

 Yes, but you don’t have to lose to Kyle Bernstein’s Bar-Mitzvah party. 

 He’s asking if we can come as anyone from science-fiction, fantasy…

 What? Just because I’m Indian I can’t be a Norse God? No, no, no, Raj has to be an Indian God. That’s racism. I mean, look at Wolowitz, he’s not English, but he’s dressed like Peter Pan. Sheldon(entering in a body suit featuring black and white vertical lines) is neither sound nor light, but he’s obviously the Doppler Effect. 

 Really, because I saw Peter Pan, and you’re dressed exactly like Cathy Rigby. She was a little bigger than you, but it’s basically the same look, man. 

 Just a heads up fellas, if anyone gets lucky I’ve got a dozen condoms in my quiver. 

 I’m Peter Pan! And I’ve got a handful of pixie dust with your name on it. 

 Oh, sure, I see it now, the Doppler Effect. Alright, I’ve got to shower, you guys um, make yourselves comfortable. 

 Penny is wearing the worst Catwoman costume I have ever seen, and that includes Halle Berry’s.

 If that’s a working stethoscope, maybe you’d like to hear my heart skip a beat.

 No, seriously, you can, I have transient idiopathic arrhythmia.

 Okay, if that is some sort of learning disability, I think it’s very insensitive.

 Uh, a Hobbit is a mortal Halfling inhabitant of Middle Earth, whereas an Elf is an immortal tall warrior. 

 Well, whatever, why don’t you go hop off on a quest, I’m talking to Penny here.

 Okay, I understand your impulse to try to physically intimidate me. I mean, you can’t compete with me on an intellectual level and so you’re driven to animalistic puffery. 

 Yeah, no, I’m fine. It’s good, it’s a good party, thanks for having us, it’s just getting a little late so….

 That’s right, you saw what you saw. That’s how we roll in The Shire. (Closes door quickly, locks and chains it.)

 See a Penny, pick her up, and all the day you’ll have good luck.

 Well, is she doing it one thong at a time, or does she just throw it all in, like some sort of erotic bouillabaisse.

 So, if you don’t like this Christie, why are you letting her stay? 

 No, yeah she’s definitely a whore. I mean, she has absolutely no standards, this one time, she was at… where’s Howard?

 Well the only way we can play teams at this point is if we cut Raj in half.

 Oh, sure, cut the foreigner in half, there’s a billion more where he came from. 

 Look, I grew up on a farm, okay, from what I heard they’re either having sex or Howard’s caught in a milking machine. Do you mind if I stay here tonight?

 No, take the couch, or my bed, I just got new pillows, hypo-allergenics. 

 Penny, if you promise not to chew the flesh off our bones while we sleep, you can stay. 

 Funny expression, sleep tight. It refers to the early construction of beds which featured a mattress suspended on interlocking ropes which would occasionally… sleep tight. 

 Oh, well, Howard said he’d take me shopping in Beverley Hills. 

 Yeah, no, I meant plans to find some place to live. Other than with me, not that I don’t love having you, but it’s… a little crowded.

 Let me offer a little outside the box thinking here, why doesn’t Christie stay with me.

 I’m sorry, I should have mentioned this earlier, my last name is Wolowitz.

 Yay! If you’ll excuse me, I have some Bar-Mizvah bonds to cash. 

 Fine, bring us three orders of dumplings, that’s twelve, we’ll each have four. 

 Can we please make a decision, not only are there children starving in India, there’s an Indian starving right here. 

 Well, with Wolowitz spending all of his time with your friend Christie, 

 She’s not my friend. Friends do not get their friends care bears all sweaty. 

 You girl’s talk, I’m going to take my scooter out for a little spin. 

 Hi guys, my friends and I got tired of dancing, so we came over to have sex with you. 

 If you decide on a spring wedding, we can avoid monsoon season. 

 Neither do I. Doogie Howser’s been off the air for like, twenty years. 

 I swear to God, Sheldon, one day I’m going to get the hang of talking to you. 

 Well, I finally convinced the restaurant to give me a bar tending shift, so I need to practice making drinks.

 Thank you. This drink is a wonderful example of how liquids with different specific gravities interact in a cylindrical container. Thank you. 

 Every year at Comic Con. Every day at Disneyland you can hire Snow White to come to your house. Course they prefer it if you have a kid, but… 

 You are my lady. Our parents said so. We are for all intents and purposes one hundred percent hooked up.

 But he’s right, Papa, listen to him. (Sheldon enters) You! You are the one who ruined everything! 

 You are wearing the boxers that we sent you, aren’t you Rajesh.

 Because you know what happens to the samosas when you wear the tidy whities. 

 No problem, turning it down. (Using mouse again) San Francisco, Lisbon, Halifax (the music gets quieter) et voila. 

 Public access enabled. (They all stare around for a moment in silence.)

 You know, in the future, when we’re disembodied brains in jars, we’re going to look back on this as eight hours well wasted. 

 I don’t want to be in a jar. I want my brain in an android body. Eight feet tall and ripped. 

 I’m with you. I just have to make sure if I’m a synthetic human I’d still be Jewish. I promised my mother. 

 I don’t know, Sheldon, those topical conferences on Bowes-Einstein condensates parties are legendary. 

 Hoo-hoo-hoo. The only thing missing from that insult was “yo mamma.” 

 I’ve got one, hey Leonard, your mamma’s research methodology is so flawed….

 Doctor Sheldon Cooper here, I am the lead author of this particular paper. (No reaction.) Thank you. And you, sir, you have completely skipped over the part where I was walking through the park, and I saw these children on a merry-go-round, which started me thinking about the moment of inertia in gasses like helium at temperatures approaching absolute zero. 

 Somebody got the whole thing on a cell phone and put it on youtube. 

 That would be me. Hey, check it out, it’s a featured video. (The watch). 

 Let’s go-oh-oh Ou-oooo-ut tonight. I have to go-oh-oh-oh ou-ooooo-ut tonight. 

 You wanna prowl, be my night owl, (Leonard and Sheldon reappear, running down the stairs) we’ll take my… (appearing) Hey guys, hi! Where you going?

 What? Oh we just had to… mail some letters and (seeing Sheldon has large bag in hand and bin is nearby) throw away some chicken. (Sheldon very reluctantly does.)

 Well, the girl they picked to play Mimi, she dropped out and they asked me to replace her. 

 (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard…

 (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock)….. 

 (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Penny, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Penny, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Penny, (door opens) Good morning.

 No, it’s okay, it’s your Millenium Falcon, you and Chewbacca do whatever you want to do. Me and Princess Leia here will find some other way to spend the evening. 

 There’s no symposium, Leonard lied to me, isn’t that right Leonard. 

 It was more of a double major actually. Theatre and physics. You can guess which one my bourgeois parents pushed me towards. 

 This is even better than you coming to the showcase, because now I get to watch you watch me.

 This is amazing. Just sitting on a couch, watching TV with a woman. Not being drunk, or high, or… or… wondering if you’re a dude down there.

 Leo, you are a very sweet, really funny guy. You’re gonna do okay. 

 Penny, you’ll have to excuse Sheldon, he’s a bit of a germophobe. 

 Leonard! Leonard! Leonard. Leonard, my comforter fell down, and my sinuses hurt when I bend over. Leonard? (Bends to get phone) Ow! 

 Gentlemen, I’d like you to meet Dennis Kim. Dennis is a highly sought after Doctorial candidate and we’re hoping to have him do his graduate work here. 

 Well, I lost a year while my family was tunnelling out of North Korea. 

 I thought maybe you boys could show Dennis around, let him see why we’re the best physics research facility in the country.

 Dennis, we discussed this, we’re in the process of updating our equipment, and we welcome your input on our research goals, and we’ve agreed to look the other way if you want to use up to 20% of the grant money you attract to smuggle your grandfather out of Pyongyang. We want him here boys, make it happen.

 So do you. Except for your tendency to end sentences with prepositions. 

 Come on, Dennis, I’ll show you the rec centre, they’ve got nautilus equipment.

 You know, Sheldon, you don’t have so many friends that you can afford to start insulting them. 

 I don’t understand, exactly how did he get any friends in the first place? 

 You know, I’m confused again, is he waiting, or do we get to shoot him between the eyes?

 Howard, that’s racist, any fifteen year-old girl will do the trick. (Penny slams door.)

 Ah, la-la-la, Hava Nagila. They’ll come, they’ll settle and I’ll win the prize…

 I really don’t understand your objections, Professor Goldfarb, why wouldn’t the Senoran Desert make a perfectly good promised land?

 Could I have everyone’s attention please. What a wonderful occasion this is. And how fortunate that it should happen to fall on take your daughter to work day. We’re here to welcome Mr Dennis Kim to our little family.

 Hey, look at that. (There is a group of youngsters on the grass, laying about. One is playing a guitar. Dennis Kim is among them. He is drinking something from a bottle in a brown paper bag.) It’s Dennis Kim.

 You know, I kind of feel bad about what we did to him. (Dennis is now snogging the face off Emma)

 This is our year! With those guys out, the entire physics bowl will kneel before Zod. 

 How about the perpetual motion squad? It’s beyond the laws of physics, plus a little heads up for the ladies. 

 Maybe so. But you can’t incinerate a Bengal Tiger with a magnifying glass. 

 Oh, uh, he’ll be okay once the women are mixed into the crowd. He only has a problem when they’re one on one and smell nice.

 All night long, y’all! (Stands and turns round to reveal the back of the tee-shirt which reads “We Can Go All Night”.)

 Okay, well let’s jump right in, first question, for ten points. What is the isospan singlet partner of the Pi Zero Meson? (Buzz) PMS?

 760 degrees celsius, the approximate temperature of the young lady in the front row.

 I’m sorry, that’s incorrect. AA, if you can answer correctly, the match is yours. 

 You’re right, I’m sorry. (In voice, waving trophy in Sheldon’s face) I’m not! 

 Van Halen. Alright, Madonna was married to this Ridgemont High alum. (Pause) Oh my God, Sean Penn!

 Well, this sandwich is an unmitigated disaster. I asked for turkey and roast beef with lettuce and swiss on wholewheat.

 Congratulations, you are the proud owner of a miniature time machine.

 Why don’t we share it? We’ll each put in two hundred bucks and we’ll take turns having it in our homes.

 You can’t just keep it here, what if I meet a girl and say, “you wanna come up and see my time machine, it’s at my friends house,” how lame is that? 

 I still want it on my balcony. I say we move it on a bi-monthly basis. 

 Sheldon, you can’t be selfish, we all paid for it, so it belongs to all of us. Now out of the way so I can sit in my time machine. (Sits and turns it on. The three lights on the front illuminate. All let out an “oh”.) Okay, I am setting the dials for March 10th, 1876. 

 Also, since the time machine doesn’t move in space, you’ll end up in 1876 Pasadena. 

 And even if you can make it to Boston, what are you going to do, knock on the door and say to Mrs Bell, “hey Mrs Bell, big fan of your husband, can I come in and watch him invent the telephone?”

 It was eight courses of lamb, and they tried to fix me up with their son.

 Some things are more important than toys. (She puts her arms around his neck as he dangles from the cable.)

 I’ll give you a hundred dollars, which will make me half owner, and we’ll put it on my balcony. 

 Screw his balcony, I’ll give you a hundred and twenty and we’ll put it in my garage. 

 Hang on, I need that to complete my Justice Society of America collection.

 It’s not a bidding war, I’m selling it all to Larry down at the comic book store. 

 Mom, my bar-mizvah bonds, how much do I got? Thanks. I can go twenty six hundred dollars and two trees in Israel. 

 Okay. I did not want to do this but, I have here the rare mint condition production error Star Trek: The Next Generation Geordi LaForge, without his visor in the original packaging. If you do not get out of my way, I will open it. 

 It worked. It really worked. They said I was mad, but it worked. (Large hairy creatures with glowing eyes emerge from the forest and walk towards him menacingly.) Oh no, not Morlocks! Not flesh-eating Morlocks! He-e-e-e-e-e-e-elp! (With a yelp, he wakes up in the time machine in the living room.) 

 I know, I’m disgusting, I should be punished. By her, oh look, I did it again. 

 Nobody ever expects me, sometimes you just look and… BAM! (shakes girl’s hand) Howard Wolowitz. 

 Oh, he once spent nine months with my legs wrapped around his head. 

 Well, I think you’re delightfully droll. Or as the French say, Tres Drole. 

 If the wedding’s not until tomorrow, why don’t you stay with us tonight? 

 So anyway, we’re eight years old, and Sheldon converts my easy-bake oven to some kind of high-powered furnace.

 Anyway, I go to make those little corn muffins they give you, there’s a big flash, next thing you know my eyebrows are gone.

 Yeah, no, I do, I use those… uh… just to polish up my… spear-fishing equipment. I spear fish. When I’m not crossbow hunting, I spear fish. Uh, Penny, this is Sheldon’s twin sister, Missy. Missy, this is our neighbour Penny.

 Oh. Huh, um, maybe, if you like women who are tall… and perfect. 

 I think you’re focussing entirely too much on the drugs. (Finger keeps waving. Leonard has to reach out and stop it.)

 If we’re going to fight over Missy, let’s do it the right way. The honourable way.

 Hey, guys, guys, some of the other waitresses wanted me to ask you something.

 It combines the physical strength of arm wrestling with the mental agility of tetris into the ultimate sport. 

 Keebler Elf? I’ve got your Keebler Elf right here. (Strains to push Sheldon’s arm down. Tries using both hands, still with no effect.) Okay, it’s a stalemate. 

 Forget about the cake, how did you know that my birthday is Saturday? 

 No, it’s no big deal, it’s just the way I was raised. My parents focussed on celebrating achievements, and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.

 Howard, every Thai restaurant in town knows you can’t eat peanuts. They see me coming they go “ah, no peanut boy!”

 I suppose that’s possible, but for the record, I’ve never had a threesome and yet I still know I want one.

 Howard, here’s the difference. The possibility exists that Leonard could have a birthday party before hell freezes over. 

 That’s not the secret knock. This is the secret knock. (He knocks two, one, two.)

 Well, Raj got him an awesome limited edition Dark Knight sculpture based on Alex Ross’s definitive Batman, and I got him this amazing autographed copy of the Feynman lectures on physics.

 Alright, let’s go. (They exit, with Howard making croaking noises.) 

 Okay, I have my own wholesale flower business, and I want to hook up my computer in the front entrance with the one in my refrigerated warehouse. 

 Well, for one thing, we’re late for Leonard’s birthday party. And for another, I told him to call security. 

 Good luck. (To assistant) By the way, a six year-old could hack your computer system. 

 Once you’re fluent you’ll have a billion more people to annoy instead of me. 

 Look, I understand that breaking up with someone can be very painful….

 Apparently he posted intimate details of their physical relationship on his blog, which I cannot find anywhere. 

 You know what, I’m going to go back and try talking to her again.

 Good idea. Sit with her, hold her, comfort her, and if the moment feels right, see if you can cop a feel. 

 She was mad at him. She was done with him, the relationship was broken beyond repair and I walked over there and I fixed it!

 Show me your citrus peels. Gei wo kan, ni jud di zi pei. Show me your citrus peels. Gei wo kan, ni jud di zi pei. Show me your…

 Chong sho sha pwe. (Caption translates to “Long Live Concrete”.) Xie xie. (Thank you) 

 They also don’t care for it if you stare at them and hyperventilate. Sadly, that’s my home run swing. 

 Look, everything went fine. I didn’t even have to refer to my impromptu conversation starters. The woman across the hall is into me. 

 Let’s go to the tape. Look at her reaction to the goodnight kiss, no change in respiration, pupils un-dilated, no flushing of the chest.

 You know, I’m not sure, the manager hasn’t posted the schedule yet, how about I let you know.

 Okay, look, you promised me you would keep my secret so you’re just going to have to figure out a way to do it.

 We just got back from that exhibit of those plasticised human cadavers.

 Shouldn’t you have put him in a brown paper bag and set him on fire? 

 I’ve never slept on an air mattress before. No lumbar support whatsoever. 

 If you don’t settle down right now, I’m not going to let you have any more sleepovers. 

 Absolutely. (She slams the door in his face.) Okay, this time I know where I went wrong. (Looking up and seeing the camera) Oh bite me! 

 I don’t care what the bosoms say, Sheldon, I just want to be part of the conversation.

 It wasn’t awkward. It wasn’t fun. Besides, what’s the big deal, we dated, we stopped dating, and now we’re both moving on.

 Yes I have, it’s just a matter of actually making a date with someone.

 Well, there’s Joyce Kim, but she defected back to North Korea so it’s a little geographically undesireable.

 I bought him dinner and we kissed once, that was it. (Leaving) And he told me his name was Kimberley!

 Ooh, rush me to the burn unit. Hey, Leonard, do you have a second, I need to ask you something.

 Uh, genetic weaknesses, right, um, there’s the lactose intolerance.

 Don’t forget the male pattern baldness. When his uncles sit around the dinner table they look like a half carton of eggs. (Exits. Extension cord trails after him. Eventually goes tight a couple of times then falls loose.)

 When the two of you reach a natural stopping point I’d like to have a word.

 No there isn’t, only loop quantum gravity calculates the entropy of black holes. (Sheldon grunts.)

 I guess we let them wait until they’re old enough and let them choose their own theory.

 We can’t let them choose, Leonard, they’re children. (Storms off.)

 Fellow warriors, this is Sheldor the Conqueror. We are about to enter Axel’s fortress. Now this is a long run, so let’s do another bladder check. Alright Barry, we’ll wait for you again, but you really should see a doctor. (There is banging at the door.) Sheldor is AFK. (Goes out to find Penny having trouble getting into her apartment.) Penny, are you experiencing some sort of difficulty?

 Make yourself comfortable. (Sits in Sheldon’s place.) Not there. (Sits on other end of sofa. Puts feet on table. Sheldon looks disapprovingly. Removes feet from table. Sheldon sits and replaces headset.) Sheldor is back online.

 I only bring it up because your ice-cream is melting and it’s starting to attract wildlife.

 Okay, well you were great, thanks. (Comes out door) Oh, hey Leonard, listen, don’t got in Sheldon’s room, he’s not wearing bottoms.

 Fine. Dr Winkle, what colourful name did you call Dr Cooper this time?

 Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She is interfering with my sleep, she’s interfering with my work, and if I had another significant aspect of my life, I’m sure she’d be interfering with that too.

 She’s gotten really hooked on Age of Conan, she’s playing non-stop.

 Ah, yes, online gaming addiction. There’s nothing worse than having that multi-player monkey on your back.

 Remember that little planetary object I spotted beyond the Kuiper belt?

 Or as I called it, Planet Bollywood. Anyway, because of my discovery, People magazine is naming me one of their thirty under-30 to watch.

 Do I get an honourable mention for designing the telescope camera mounting bracket you used.

 Sorry, it’s not part of my heartwarming and personal narrative, in which a humble boy from New Delhi overcame poverty and prejudice and journeyed to America to reach for the stars.

 Boy, I bet Ellen Pages friends aren’t giving her this kind of crap.

 Mister Wolowitz. Boys, I’ve got a question for you. Who in this room discovered a star?

 It’s the same food as the Cafeteria, only fresh. Come on little buddy.

 Speaking of untouchables, I’ve got great news for you guys. People magazine is having a reception this Saturday, and I managed to get you invited.

 So you’re just going to sit around here and mope while Penny is out with Doctor Apu from the Kwik-e-Mart?

 If we do get a new friend, he should be a guy you can trust. A guy who has your back.

 Oh, sweetie, it’s okay. (She hugs him. As she does, Leonard exits his apartment to see Penny, in bathrobe, hugging Raj who is apparently about to leave. As she goes back inside, Raj turns, smiles, and puts both thumbs up. Leonard turns, with an upset look, to Sheldon who is standing behind him. Sheldon gives him his exaggerated smile.)

 (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny…

 And it’s because we care about you that we’ve decided we have to speak up.

 Yeah, but Albert Einstein didn’t make me wet myself at 40 miles an hour.

 It’s a waste of time. I might as well explain the laws of thermodynamics to a bunch of labradoodles.

 If you don’t do this, I won’t take you to the comic book store.

 Hello. Nice work with the laser, by the way. Looking out at your fresh young faces, I remember when I too was deciding my academic future as a lowly graduate student. Of course, I was 14, and I’d already achieved more than most of you could ever hope to, despite my 9 o’clock bedtime. Now, there may be one or two of you in this room who has what it takes to succeed in theoretical physics, although, it’s more likely that you’ll spend your scientific careers teaching fifth graders how to make paper mache volcanoes with baking soda lava.

 Howard Wolowitz, department of engineering, co-designer of the International Space Station’s Liquid Waste Disposal System.

 You know, the Pishkin-Wolowitz Liquid Waste Disposal System is turning a few heads as well.

 Brisket party! B-to-the-R-to-the-I-S-K… To-the-E-to-the-T… Ooh…

 So, Sheldon, I see you’re organizing your papers for the Smithsonian Museum of Dumbassery.

 I see you got a grad student to fight your battles for you. I’ll let you keep your lunch money today.

 Okay, Dr. Cooper is on the verge of a breakthrough. If you’re going to stay, you’ll have to be respectful and quiet. (Leslie leaves. Ramona looks pointedly at Leonard) 

 You know, the only way I could explain it would be in a therapist’s office with dolls.

 Okay, well, once again, you guys have a good… whatever this is.

 To the sound of “You Can Be My Yoko Ono” by Barenaked Ladies  we see 1. the guys set off for paintball while Sheldon, dressed in paintball gear, sadly waves them goodbye, 2. Ramona catch Sheldon hiding behind the shower curtain playing on a Nintendo DS, 3. Ramona remove a book Sheldon is reading to reveal a Batman comic underneath, 4. Sheldon escape the apartment in his paintball gear only to be chased back inside by Ramona returning with groceries, she finds him sitting in his underpants with his paintball helmet still on.

 Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny

 I’ve got it! I finally reconciled the black hole information paradox with my theory of string-network condensates!

 Oh, look, the’s the future Mrs. Wolowitz. No, wait, that’s the future Mrs. Wolowitz. With her head in the lap of, what a coincidence. It’s the future Mrs. Wolowitz.

 And they live together and shower together and have naked pillow fights?

 Marking the star positions and physical landmarks so we can find the house of the supermodels.

 You can get them removed early, but you have to take his class.

 Yeah, yeah. Uh, see, here’s the thing, after you leave, I still have to live with him.

 Are you insane? You’re not going to party with them, you’re not even going to get anywhere near that place.

 Okay, let me guess. A quesadilla with soy cheese for the lactose-intolerant Leonard.

 What are you complaining about? I’m the one who has to take the class again.

 I’m implying that you’re a creature of habit, and if something were to prevent you from doing your laundry on Saturday at 8:15, you might find it unpleasant. (Sheldon hurries away, disturbed) Knuckle under, my ass.

 Leonard, remember when I said it was on? Well, now it’s junior rodeo on.

 You know what? If it’s creepy to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly, then fine, I’m creepy.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny… (door opens) I am very, very sorry for what I have done. Here’s your laundry, I rescind your strikes and you are no longer banished.

 Rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock! (Both hold up the symbol for Spock) Oh!

 On a dusty highway just outside Bakersfield. Where do you think? On Mars!

 Yeah, I picked her up in the bar. She’s a doctor. One free barium enema and my mother won’t care she’s not Jewish.

 Yeah, when we first met, you said that if I went out with you, I could drive a car on Mars.

 No. Yeah, I remember specifically. You started by asking if I was from Mars because my ass was out of this world.

 Momentito. Yello. Oh, Stephanie, thanks for calling me back. I was worried… Oh… Uh-huh… Uh-huh… Uh-huh… No, I understand… Sure, we can be friends. Absolutely. Thanks for calling. Yeah, you have a nice day, too. (To Leonard) You are dead to me.

 Howard, come on, I didn’t plan on this. These things just happen. Usually not to me, but they do happen.

 What do you think I did? I discreetly slipped off the other earring, put it in my pocket and then got the hell out of there!

 Sometimes he brings a toy xylophone. I am really sorry about this.

 For which she awarded him the nickname “speed of light Leonard.”

 Which would have been two and a half if they ordered the souffle when they sat down.

 Well, if you want to guarantee his appeal to Stephanie, your best bet would be to kill all the other men on the planet.

 Yeah, I assume I’m not driving anywhere tonight. (Sheldon lets out a loud noise).

 What a beautiful job Stephanie did. I might have gone with a mattress suture instead of a blanket stitch, but you can’t argue with her results. It’s a shame it won’t scar, the war wound is a time-honoured badge of masculinity.

 Okay, I’m just teasing you. But, yeah, you did. Alright, it’s all good. what do you say we get you home and put you to bed?

 Oh, man, did you switch your status before she did? Speaking as an expert, way to look needy.

 What’s wrong, Lassie? Timmy fall down the well? (He points) Oh, wow. She just updated her facebook status.

 Stephanie Barnett is in a relationship with Leonard Hofstadter.”

 Well, you know, if it is from a swirly, there’s something I can do. Okay, circle, circle, dot, dot, now you have a cootie shot! I’m going to bed

 I don’t care what the symptoms are, my girlfriend is not going to give you a prostate exam.

 I haven’t heard a thing about you. Leonard? Why haven’t I heard a thing about this woman who lives across the hall and comes into your apartment in the morning in her underwear?

 Why do I feel like I’m the one that just got the prostate exam?

 I don’t care what you guys think, Stephanie and I are very happy living together. I will give either of you 20 dollars, right now to trade pants with me.

 Your argument is lacking in all scientific merit. It is well established Superman cleans his uniform by flying into Earth’s yellow sun, which incinerates any contaminate matter and leaves the invulnerable Kryptonian fabric unharmed and daisy fresh.

 Or it turned into mustard Kryptonite, the only way to destroy a rogue Kryptonian hotdog threatening Earth.

 Raj, please, let’s stay serious here. Superman’s body is Kryptonian, therefore his sweat is Kryptonian.

 Okay, he’s invited for dinner in the Bottle City of Kandor. He miniaturizes himself, enters the city where he loses his superpowers. Now, before dinner, his host says, “who’s up for a little Kryptonian tetherball?” Superman says “sure,” works up a sweat, comes back to Earth, his uniform now stained with indestructible Kryptonian perspiration.

 Actually, he’s pretty cool. I mean, not only is he a brilliant scientist, but it turns out he’s a Black Diamond skier, he collects vintage motorcycles, he plays in a rock band.

 He’s funny, too. He does this hysterical impersonation of Stephen Hawking having phone sex. What are you wearing? That’s not, he does it better. Anyway, he said he was gonna take me to the gym tomorrow, so I’m gonna go practice my situps.

 Don’t feel bad, Penny, it’s a classic rookie mistake. My first Hanukkah with Sheldon, he yelled at me for eight nights.

 You’re kidding. You’ve got lotions and bath oils and soaps, that’s the estrogen hat trick.

 What it is is a cacophonous assault of eucalyptus, bayberry, cinnamon and vanilla. It’s as if my head were trapped in the pyjamas of a sultan.

 That’s funny. By the way, my leg is killing me. Thanks for asking.

 What did I ever do to Jimmy Mullins in the third grade? He still punched me in the face with my own fists. Sorry, you little nerd, you were just in the wrong boys’ room at the wrong time.

 The carnal repartee, the erotic to and fro. But as delicious as the appetizer might be, at some point we will have to succumb and eat the entree while it’s still… hot.

 I don’t know, now they’re just yelling about Popsicles. Sounds like Penny really got to him.

 I’m not surprised. Despite his hard and crusty shell, Howard is a very sensitive man. Do you know he writes poetry? Mostly about men from Nantucket and hermits named Dave, but he does it with real sensitivity.

 Hey, Hofstadter. Word around the pwasma wab is you built a wobot?

 Well, if you have any dewusions about entewing him against my wobot, the Kwipke Kwippler in the Southern California Wobot Fighting League Wound Wobin Invitational, aka the S.C.aw.F.L.aw.aw.I., his name is gonna be Swrap Metal.

 As you can see, the Kwippler is weducing the Chevy Cavawier to wubble.

 You want to prepare him? Install a bladder and a pair of shorts so he can wet himself.

 Excuse me, but how are we going to make any modifications without Wolowitz? Have you heard from Penny yet?

 I just want to make sure that we’re all clear, standard robotic fighting league rules apply.

 Yes, I slipped and fell. In the bathroom. Bounced right off the tub.

 Yes, now he knows what bathtubs are capable of doing when you don’t treat them with respect.

 Well, don’t get the wrong idea. The way I see it, I’m halfway to pity sex.

 Really? I once saw him shopping at Ralph’s. He was buying tequila.

 Oh, you’d think a guy like that would have some kind of booze lackey.

 Alright this is cruel, we better let him finish before his head explodes.

 That’s why he eats by himself, instead of sitting here at the cool table.

 I don’t know, how do carbon atoms form a benzene ring? Proximity and valence electrons.

 Well yeah, sure. When you put it that way. But it all worked out, right?

 Oh my! That’s awfully sticky. Alright, let’s see. Bernie Bunny has Two Daddies Now. It’s probably about homosexual rabbits. Jerry the Gerbil and the Bullies on the Bus. Read it, not helpful. Oh! Here we go. Stu the Cockatoo is New at the Zoo. Author Sarah Carpenter lives in Fort Wayne, Indiana, with her husband and best friend Mark, and their cockatoos too. Hardly makes her an expert in making friends, wouldn’t you agree?

 Have you thought about putting him in a crate while you’re out of the apartment?

 Hello, Kripke. Yes, Sheldon Cooper here. It occurred to me you hadn’t returned any of my calls because I hadn’t offered any concrete suggestions for pursuing our friendship. Perhaps the two of us might share a meal together… I see. Well then perhaps you’d have time for a hot beverage. Popular choices include tea, coffee, cocoa… I see. No, no, no, wait. Don’t hang up yet. What about a recreational activity? I bet we share some common interests. Tell me an interest of yours. Really? On actual horses? Tell me another interest of yours. Oh no, I’m sorry, I have no desire to get in the water until I absolutely have to. Tell me another interest of yours.

 You know, I am a fan of ventriloquism. Maybe you, me and your dummy could go get a hot beverage. He could talk while you drink.

 Be right back. I gotta fwoss the Indian food out of my teeth if I’m gonna eat Chinese.

 Yeah, it’s not a vewy hot name. I’m gonna call your Woxanne. Ooh, pot stickers.

 Well, it’s gonna take at least an hour to eat, and I don’t see a Sheldon-approved restaurant proximate to a Sheldon-approved theatre.

 Hang on, hang on. There’s a 7-Eleven here. We smuggle Slurpies, which are essentially Icees, in under our coats, after having a pleasant meal either here, here or here.

 You know, I’ve given the matter some thought, and I think I’d be willing to be a house pet to a race of super-intelligent aliens.

 ‘Cause let me tell you something, buddy, I pay my own way in this world, okay? I don’t rely on anybody! (Raj runs out of the room) What was that about?

 He has a nervous bladder when he’s stressed out. Kind of like a puppy.

 She needed money. You seem under pressure. Did I not lend you a sufficient amount? Because I can give you more.

 Oh, you know, you would just love that, wouldn’t you? Yeah. You would just love to open up your little snake can and throw some money at the girl who can’t pay her bills.

 We’re on a quest through the Valley of Fire to acquire the sacred crown.

 I don’t really go by Lenny, but that’s okay. Um, you remember Sheldon, Howard and Raj.

 A successful quest. Now let’s go find a gas station with a clean bathroom.

 Yes, he said he was feeling guilty and wanted to do what was right.

 That’s it? Did he give any reason as to why he came to this moral epiphany?

 Nope. I just think he’s really changed. We’re having dinner tomorrow night, and I get to wear my new beret. Bye, guys.

 I’m really very busy. Is there any way that we can put this off until I have more time to prepare? Of course. But, uh, you understand my trepidation.

 Well, it’s all online or you can order it from the Princeton University Press.

 Swell. If you’re lucky, maybe she’ll show you the PowerPoint presentation.

 You brought your husband to work, you know the rules. Meesa thinking yousa looking pretty sad now too, betcha, betcha.

 Leonard, it’s one o’clock, weren’t you going to show me your laboratory at one o’clock?

 There’s no hurry, Mother, tell them more about their secret love for each other.

 Right. Ah! Where’s the lime? (Penny has the lime in her mouth) Oh, okay, we’re sharing.

 There’s no way we can get to the ridge. The Chemistry Department has us completely cut off.

 We hide behind the Dumpsters in the parking lot and ambush people when they come to pee.

 No go. The Dumpsters are deep in Astronomy Department territory.

 Did you guys see the new budget memo that went out this morning?

 Oh, uh, no big deal. They gave Leslie control of some unrestricted grant money.

 I don’t know what you’re talking about. Oh, that. Penny did that.

 Penny is an amazing shot. I think we have a real chance to win this week.

 This conference is kind of a big thing. The keynote address is being delivered by George Smoot.

 Okay, now that I’ve been completely insulted, have a good flight.

 Yeah, cool. Seven times as long as flying, and costs almost twice as much.

 Yeah, maybe. Meanwhile back in the 21st century, people are raising their tray tables and putting their seat-backs in an upright position ’cause it’s time to land in San Francisco.

 Sheldon, I owe you an apology. Taking the train was a stroke of brilliance! I’ve actually got a shot at a Terminator.

 Oh, please.When it comes to Terminators, you’ve got a better shot of scoring with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

 You’re overlooking something. I have 11 hours with her in a confined space. Unless she’s willing to jump off a moving train, tuck and roll down the side of a hill, she will eventually succumb to the acquired taste that is Howard Wolowitz.

 You know, I’ve already got a gorgeous blonde back home at I can’t score with. I think I’ll let you two take this one.

 She’s probably heard every possible line, Howard. Why don’t you just try hello?

 No, no, no, that always creeps girls out. I need to come up with something that’s funny, smart and delicately suggests that my sexual endowment is disproportionate to my physical stature.

 Listen carefully. I’m about to give you a set of instructions, which you must follow to the letter.

 Come on. When you were on TV in Firefly, you were actually in space.

 Delightful. Listen, I don’t know what you’re doing right now, but there are little bubbles forming on the corners of Sheldon’s mouth.

 And did you know the word “pumpernickel” comes from the German words pumper and nickel, which loosely translates to fart goblin?

 But before I go, would you mind if I just take one picture of us together for my Facebook page?

 Go. (Leonard sprays an aerosol which lights up laser beams. He tries to negotiate the beams as Howard and Raj sing dramatic music. Eventually he touches one of the beams and a buzzer sounds.)

 (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny.

 Sheldon, I’m sorry about your hamburger, okay? I just don’t want to be a waitress for the rest of my life.

 Yeah, it’s crazy, but it totally works. Look, we made this Penny Blossom in under three minutes.

 Good question, what are you marketing and distribution channels?

 Why not eliminate the middle man? We could install a small server farm with a static IP in her bedroom.

 It’s a common stripper problem. They dance, they sweat, they clump.

 Are you thinking about adding a desiccant like calcium sulphate?

 Uh, well, it’s a little juvenile. I mean, it kind of looks like the MySpace page of a 13-year-old girl.

 Uh-huh. Look. Mrs. Fiona Fondell from Huntsville, Alabama has ordered two.

 Get out! Who needs a thousand sparkly flower barrettes with rhinestones?

 Yeah, but they don’t have to glue the books together. How the hell are we going to make a thousand Penny Blossoms in one day?

 Someone’s in the kitchen with Dinah… Sheldon? Sheldon! (nudges him)

 Sorry. My apologies to the gay community of East Rutherford, New Jersey.

 Sorry, guys, but Secret Agent Laser Obstacle Lunch is just stupid.

 Okay, new topic, please. Hey, did you hear the people upstairs in 5A are moving out?

 That is so great. Oh, I’m Leonard, I live downstairs. Upstairs from here, but under you. Not under you per se, but under your apartment.

 According to Alicia’s facebook page, she’s hooking up with one of the producers on CSI.

 If I may proffer a suggestion, in bars all across this great nation of ours, Thursday night is Ladies’ Night. Which means, as the evening progresses, we will get better looking courtesy of 99 cent margaritas and two-for-one Jell-O shots.

 Come on, Howard, the odds of us picking up girls in a bar are practically zero.

 Alright, but next Anything Can Happen Thursday, we’re definitely going to a bar.

 Leonard, could you pick me up a few comics for my nephew’s birthday?

 You know this can go on all night, why don’t you just come with us?

 Penny, just because people appreciate comic books doesn’t make them weirdos. Stuart’s a terrific artist. He went to the Rhode Island School of Design.

 What about the guy over there in the superhero T-shirt tucked into his sweatpants?

 Ah, yeah, that’s Captain Sweatpants. He doesn’t really help the point I’m trying to make.

 Nobody’s up in anybody’s business, let’s just buy our stuff and go.

 Look at that, that’s a dent. Thank you, Howard Ham-Fisted Wolowitz. Did you just shut the TV off in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine/Star Trek The Original Series Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode?

 It is great. Really great. Freaking awesome. What are you guys doing?

 Yeah, it would have been nicer if he hadn’t touched all the cheese.

 Um, you know, it’s kind of early. Do you want to maybe come in for some coffee or something?

 Of course I had feelings for her, I saw her naked for God’s sake!

 Okay, uh look, you just need to get your mind off it. Do you want to go to the comic book store? Maybe go see a movie?

 Okay, uh, if I get lucky I’ll take her to my stately manor outside Gotham City, and if you get lucky, I’ll sleep on the moon.

 Uh, actually, if it’s not too much to ask, could we have the Jewish girlfriend experience.

 No, I’m celebrating. As we speak, the space shuttle is docking at the International Space Station where it will deploy the Wolowitz Zero-Gravity Waste Disposal System.

 Just think. Thanks to your hard work, an international crew of astronauts will boldly go

 Okay, make your little jokes, but of the four of us, I’m the only one making any real-world contribution to science and technology.

 Oh, too bad. I guess the thing to do now is just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, forget it and move on.

 Well, yeah, Stuart thrives under pressure, that’s why he works in a comic book store.

 Look, I was going over the schematics on my zero-G toilet, and I made a teeny tiny mistake on the specifications for the diverter valve.

 Yeah, ha, it’s hilarious. Now, here’s an approximation of the spare parts available on the Space Station. We gotta find a way, using nothing but this, to reinforce this so the waste material avoids the spinning turbine.

 It’s not superstition. It’s practically Newtonian. For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Leonard pretends to be a friend and acts like a two-faced bitch, therefore, he is reborn as a banana slug. It’s actually a very elegant system, you know, what goes around comes around.

 Look, Leonard, what goes on between me and Stuart is none of your business. So just leave it alone, okay?

 If you really want to clean up your karma, go get my freakin’ latte.

 Because this is not a spare part from the space station. This is the thing from the pizza box that keeps the lid from touching the cheese.

 That what that’s for? In India, the lid just touches the cheese. Of course, we also have rampant poverty and periodic outbreaks of cholera, so a little cardboard in our cheese is no biggie.

 I got your back, sister. All right, I think we’ve got a prototype ready to test. Hand me that Tupperware.

 Yes, sir, I understand classified. We’ll keep it all classified, no one has to know but you and me.

 Uh, Houston, this is more of an FYI call. We are basically out the door.

 Oh, well, it all happened kind of fast, and we had to get physicals and buy thermal underwear and study up on, you know, snow and stuff. Sorry, I was gonna tell you.

 All right, I’ll see what I can do. So, three months at the North Pole. Wow, that is awesome.

 Alright, now the purpose of this drill is to acclimate us to the use of tools in extreme temperatures such as we will face in the Arctic Circle.

 Right here. All right, team, open up your practice kits. As the university did not permit me to bring the actual equipment we’ll be using to the Cheesecake Factory, because apparently I’m “ridiculous,” I’ve provided substitutes which will exercise your fine motor skills. Leonard, you will be doing a series of complex mathematical problems on a vintage Casio model 1175 calculator watch I received when I won the Earth Science medal in 3rd grade. Treat it with respect. Raj, you will be painting sideburns and a Van Dyke on a six-inch figurine of Legolas the elf. Now, remember, a Van Dyke is a goatee without a moustache. Wolowitz, you will be completing a series of delicate surgical procedures on the classic children’s game, Operation. To begin with, you will remove funny bone for two hundred dollars.

 Don’t talk back to your mother. This trip is much too dangerous, Rajesh.

 Doctor and Mrs. Koothrappali, namaste. I understand your concern, but if it’ll make you feel any better, my mother is fine with me going, and this is a woman who kept a safety rail on my bed until I was 17.

 ‘Cause it doesn’t make sense to me! How can it be that in the entire country of India, there isn’t one Outback Steakhouse?!

 Hey, guys, can I just say something? How about we take a moment to think about where we are right now? This is literally the top of the world. Only a handful of people in all of human history will ever see what we are going to see.

 Good idea, what do you think? Ice Station Zebra or John Carpenter’s The Thing?

 Sheldon, you remember the first few weeks we were looking for magnetic monopoles and not finding anything and you were acting like an obnoxious, giant dictator?

 Well, in actuality, what your equipment detected wasn’t so much evidence of paradigm-shifting monopoles as it was… static from the electric can opener we were turning on and off.

 Yes, I feel terrible about it. I will never forgive myself, I don’t expect you to either, and I would really appreciate it if you would leave me with Penny for a session of self-criticism and repentance.

 Sheldon, over here. (Sheldon sits at another table and tries to choke all three to death with the force. Raj pretends he is choking.) 

 Uh, if you don’t mind, Mrs. Cooper, there’s a 3:05 nonstop back to Los Angeles, and you have no idea how much I want to be on it.

 And bring you home. So, why don’t you pack up your stuff and we’ll head back.

 No, this is my home now. Thanks to you, my career is over and I will spend the rest of my life here in Texas trying to teach evolution to creationists.

 Yeah, but since you and Penny finally hooked up, we thought you two would be having bouncy naked yum-yum night.

 Yeah, take advantage of that window of opportunity before it slams shut on your little dinky.

 It’s not a matter of opportunity. We’re getting to know each other. There’s a learning curve.

 Okay, yeah, well, I’m just gonna go eat my dinner elsewhere. Maybe an airplane headed for a mountainside.

 Actually, ethyl alcohol inhibits electrical conduction in the nerve cells and stimulates reuptake receptors of inhibitory neurotransmitters like gamma-aminobutyric acid.

 No, you’re misunderstanding. A shiksa goddess isn’t an actual goddess and we don’t pray to them, we prey on them.

 No, no, not this time. I know insects, my friend, I spent many childhood years capturing them with nets, putting them in glass jars, sticking pins through them, mounting them on corrugated cardboard with Dymo labels underneath, identifying the genus and species. In Latin.

 My stomach. Indian food doesn’t agree with me. Ironic, isn’t it?

 I’m okay. Just a little mouthwash, and then I’m gonna rock your world. (Penny vomits in sink) Are you okay? (Vomits in toilet again)

 Let me ask you one first. What’s a world renowned entomologist with a doctorate and 20 years of experience to do with his life when the university cuts off the funding for his lab, huh?

 What’s your deal? Are they planning to outsource my job to Bangalore?

 Of course I can. I can identify every insect and arachnid on the planet. Not that that’s going to keep me from having to move in with my daughter in Oxnard. And we’re not talking Oxnard at the beach. No! We’re talking Oxnard in the onion fields.

 Enjoy Oxnard. I’m sure your daughter’s looking forward to having you.

 No, no. I’m going out like this. (Whips off jacket to reveal tattoos up both arms)

 Yes, she’s pushy and yes, he’s whipped, but that’s not the expression. Come on, I want to stop at Walgreens and pick up some more eyeliner.

 Yes please. (Her phone rings) Oh. Hey, Kim. Yeah, I… (sees Sheldon looking disapprovingly) You know what, hold on, let me take this in the hall. (Sheldon silently offers her another chocolate. She takes it.) You’ll never guess who they got to replace you at work…

 well, my new bed got delivered, if you come over and put it together, you can stay at my place.

 We’re watching Goonies, Gremlins and Young Sherlock Holmes. They were all written by Chris Columbus.

 Oh, you know, that reminds me, I usually go back to Nebraska for thanksgiving, but this year they’re calling it off on account of my brother’s trial.

 Oh, just a big misunderstanding. You know, you’d actually like my brother, he’s kind of a chemist. Anyway, I was thinking I’d have thanksgiving here, and you are all invited.

 Well, the good news is, he has no problem with my mother’s tur-brka-fil.

 So, my visa’s only good as long as I’m employed at the university, and when they find out I’ve got squat, they’re going to cut me off. By the way, when I say squat, I mean diddly-squat. I wish I had squat.

 I’ve always been a little confused about this. Why don’t Hindus eat beef?

 Hey, Raj, guess what. Professor Laughlin is looking for someone to join the stellar evolution research team.

 Come on, what are you waiting for? Call him and set up an interview.

 All right, we’re going to be designing an experiment to look for the annihilation spectrum resulting from dark matter collisions in space.

 Oh, yeah? Can you do this? (Performs  complex finger trick*) Nice working with you. I’m sorry, for you. (Exits. Sheldon stares a moment, then tries to perform the trick. Fails.)

 (Knock, knock, knock) Raj. (Knock, knock, knock) Raj. (Knock, knock, knock) Raj.

 Are we going to talk or are we going to play Mystic Warlords of Ka-ah?

 You and I made a pact that if either of us ever got a hot girlfriend, that person would have his girlfriend hook the other guy up with one of her girlfriends.

 Because when I made that agreement, I didn’t think I’d ever have a hot girlfriend. And I was positive you never would.

 And tall. I want our kids to be able to ride space mountain before they’re 20.

 Oh, great thing about Ernie, was he never asked me for anything. He just gave.

 Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Betty and Veronica? Ugh.

 Hey, Stuart, is the Wil Wheaton signed up for the mystic warlords tournament THE Wil Wheaton from Star Trek?

 Okay, great, everybody loves their grandmas! Now, come on, Sheldon, finish him off!

 It’s okay, Sheldon. I let you down. I deserve it. Potion of Zancor.

 If you’re referring to the work of Benjamin Franklin, he did not discover electricity, he merely used a kite to determine that lightning consists of electricity. He also invented the Franklin stove, bifocals and the flexible urinary catheter. Kites, ho.

 Well, maybe we’ll hang out later, you know, after everybody’s gone.

 Wolowitz is trying to outflank us. Let out some string, add altitude and I’ll go under and cut his line.

 You always do this, you know? You ditch me for a woman you don’t have a shot with.

 It’s not a little scooter. It’s the second biggest Vespa they make! Are you watching football?

 There’s no fooling you. Now, what is this sacks statistic they put up there?

 That completely was a forward pass, which they threw intentionally incomplete to avoid loss of yardage or to conserve time. I can’t believe they’re not being penalized with the loss of a down and by having to move the line of scrimmage back to the spot of the foul.

 There you go, she has to pick up her friend Justin at the airport, aAnd I can’t play ’cause I’m going with her, right?

 Um, yeah, if you want. I mean, there may not be room. He’s got a lot of stuff, like guitars and amplifiers.

 Oh, a definitely not gay musician sleeping on my girlfriend’s couch. Yippee.

 Okay, we went out a little bit, a long time ago, but we were never like going out.

 Oh, you are such a… (Sheldon has placed ice in the blender and turned it on) What the hell is he doing?

 Sheldon, just stop, look, the fight is over. Oh, and FYI, you never even heard of The Black Eyed Peas until you met me!

 Hang on. They’re showing a new digital print of Time Bandits, you wouldn’t want to come, would you?

 Oh, yeah? well, there’s a difference between being a jerk and being an ass!

 Yeah, well, you think I was having fun, sitting around all night listening to my mother say “Have you ever peed so much in your life?”

 Why should I let it go? Why don’t you just tell the guy to find another place to sleep? (Sheldon turns on a loud toy robot) Oh, for God’s sakes. So, you have childhood issues, we all have childhood issues, at some point, you just need to grow up and get past them. (Sheldon turns on another robot)

 Leonard, will you just let me handle this, please? Look, let’s just… Sheldon, please,

 Oh, come on, he’s just going to play with it twice, and then it’ll end up in his closet with all the other junk.

 Sheldon’s log, stardate 63345.3. While my colleagues are off observing the Leonid meteor shower, I have remained behind to complete my paper on the decays of highly excited massive string states. Although my research is going well I do miss the warmth of human companionship. (He laughs)

 And good evening to you, Siam Palace. This is Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I’m going to be dining alone this evening, so I’ll be reducing my usual order. I’d like to start with one quarter of the assorted appetizers plate and, uh, one half of the golden treasure for two. Oh, for heaven’s sake, in the mid-18th century, King Rama IV of Siam divided a huge empire amongst the colonial powers of Europe in order to preserve his throne. Surely, you, his cultural descendant, can handle pad thai and dumplings.

 I see no organizational system in here whatsoever. Which panties do you wear on Mondays?

 It’s your American accent. Everything you say sounds stupid. (With an American accent) Stars are pretty, aren’t they?

 For the record, I should let you know this is my first time driving an actual motor vehicle.

 To this day, I can’t look at pickled herring without being aroused and ashamed. Oh, cousin Jeanie.

 All right, there’s no need to bark at me. According to the inexplicably irritable nurse behind the desk, you’ll be seen after the man who claims to be having a heart attack, but appears to be well enough to play Doodle Jump on his iPhone. We have to fill these out. Describe illness or injury.

 Now remember, you were given powerful pain medication and a muscle relaxer, so, uh, don’t operate heavy machinery. Try not to choke on your own drool.

 Okay, well, before you and Penny hooked up, did she ask for any kind of commitment?

 No, she was pretty clear about wanting to keep her options open.

 I have something to announce, but out of respect for convention, I will wait for you to finish your current conversation. What are you talking about?

 I was on the radio once. I called in to Fever 104 FM New Delhi and was the fourth person to say the phrase that pays, “Fever 104, आज के नये अच्छे संगीत का घर.” That means: “Fever 104, home of the really good current music.” It’s much catchier in Hindi.

 You know, when Sheldon gives you homework, you don’t have to do it.

 In fact, it’s better if you don’t, otherwise it makes the rest of us look bad.

 My point is, I do not judge a book by its cover. I am interested in the person underneath.

 Hey, I’m interested in what’s inside people, too, but why is it wrong to want those insides wrapped up in, say, the delicious caramel that is Halle Berry? (To Raj) Yes, you’re delicious caramel, too.

 Uh, Dr. Cooper, I think there might be something wrong with our connection.

 Don’t remind me! (Katee has vanished) Oh, man. All soaped up and no place to go.

 You can’t sink. With all that helium in you, you’re lucky you don’t float away.

 Sheldon, what you need to do is figure out a way to exact vengeance on Kripke, like, uh, like, how the Joker got back at Batman for putting him in the Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane.

 All right, how’s this for revenge? A solution of hydrogen peroxide, and one of saturated potassium iodide.

 Are you kidding? That’s the most romantic thing anyone’s ever done for me.

 I hope it’s all right, I told my girlfriend Bernadette she could join us for dinner.

 Oh, I find it fascinating. If I hadn’t gone into microbiology, I probably would have gone into physics. Or ice dancing.

 Actually, my tests of the Aharonov-Bohm quantum interference effect have reached an interesting point. Right now, we’re testing the phase shift due to an electric potential.

 Are you going to try to set up the voltages using tunnel junctions?

 What you need is cheat codes, motor skills and a magic genie who grants wishes to little boys who suck at Mario Kart.

 Research journal, entry one. I’m about to embark on one of the great challenges of my scientific career, teaching Penny physics. I’m calling it Project Gorilla.

 I didn’t say anything like that. I said Leonard has to ask my permission. (Bernadette storms out) Come on, I don’t want to eat lamb stew with my mother. Damn, I was this close on the bra.

 Now, remember, Newton realized that Aristotle was wrong and force was not necessary to maintain motion. So let’s plug in our 9.8 meters per second squared as A and we get force, Earth gravity, equals mass times 9.8 meters per second per second. So we can see that MA equals MG and what do we know from this?

 I’m glad you enjoyed it. Most people aren’t that interested in what I do.

 Actually, that’s not true, Leonard. In fact, recently I’ve been thinking that given the parameters of your experiment, the transport of electrons through the aperture the nano-fabricated metal rings is qualitatively no different than the experiment already conducted in the Netherlands. Their observed phase shift in the diffusing electrons inside the metal ring already conclusively demonstrated the electric analogue of the Aharonov-Bohm quantum-interference effect. That’s it. That’s all I know. Oh, wait! Fig Newtons were named after a town in Massachusetts, not the scientist.

 Mmm, in my family, holidays weren’t so much celebrated as studied for their anthropological and psychological implications on human society.

 Mmm, in a way. We presented papers, and then broke off into focus groups and critiqued each other.

 I just don’t understand why he knows more about your life than I do.

 She’s a remarkable girl. The youngest appeals court judge in New Jersey and a two-time Olympic bronze medallist.

 Yes, with some waitress from the university cafeteria. Can you believe it? A waitress? Oh, no offense, dear.

 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What I hear you saying is that you want a more intimate mother-son relationship.

 There. It’s late. Now, go to bed. I’m getting a warm feeling spreading through my heart.

 Speaking of warm feelings, come here. (She grabs Sheldon and kisses him) No, I’d rather have the busboy.

 Wait a minute, what are you talking about? What inappropriate behaviour?

 Don’t worry. We’re planning to have sex right on the salad bar.

 Namaste, white people. Good news! I rented us the four-hour edition of Watchmen.

 Uh, sorry, Raj. Howard and I are going out to dinner with Penny and Bernadette.

 Yeah, no more carefree bachelor nights for me and Leonard. These broncos have been saddled.

 Why don’t you kids go ahead and chat? We’re gonna make out back here.

 Martha, come here. Meet Raj and Sheldon. This is my friend, Martha.

 The dog… koira. The roof… katto. Grapes… ryp leet. (There is a knock on the door) One minute. Sis  n.

 Really, that’s the line? Psychics are real, but crystals are voodoo?

 Boy, seems like forever since the four of us have been out to eat, you know? Just the guys.

 No, no, no, no, I think it just means it’s the kind of sauce that mobsters like.

 You know, the more I think about it, the mobster sauce couldn’t possibly contain chunks of mobster.

 They took our TV, two laptops, four external hard-drives, our PS2, our PS3, our X-Box, our X-Box 360, our classic Nintendo, our Super Nintendo, our Nintendo 64 and our Wii.

 I’m sure he would have if I had asked. Ironically, their security isn’t all that good.

 Raj, your car is blocking me… (A wire net falls on her, while a computer voice repeats the words “Intruder Alert”) What the hell?

 Ugh, what can you do? Here. (From outside there is the sound of the net falling and computer voice saying “Intruder alert.” Then Sheldon screaming. They run out to find Sheldon convulsing under the net.)

 My new computer came with Windows 7. Windows 7 is much more user-friendly than Windows Vista. I don’t like that.

 It will take me a few days to get settled. After I do, I will e-mail you detailed PDFs containing diagrams and instructions that will guide you through packing and shipping the rest of my possessions to Bozeman, Montana. In the meantime, please forward my mail.

 How the hell do I know who’s the friend and who’s the acquaintance?

 Penny, I told you if you don’t put him in his crate at night he just runs around the apartment.

 I haven’t seen him this stuck since he tried to figure out the third Matrix movie.

 Oh, what a gentleman. Hey, Sheldon. (Steps on marbles which are all over the floor, screams and falls)

 Oh, hey, it’s no big deal. My sister’s got a kid who’s special.

 Bazinga. (Disappears, pops up in another place) Bazinga. (And again) Bazinga. (And again) Bazinga. (And again) Bazinga.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.

 Hey, you know what, Leonard, I know I said I could handle your roommate, but I was wrong. We’re going to have to break up.

 All right, one bacon cheeseburger, breaking two Jewish dietary restrictions simultaneously, kudos. Beer-battered fish and chips. Now, here’s your tartar sauce. I also brought you salsa. It’s a little unconventional, but I think you’ll like it. It’s zingy. And for you, Factory Burrito Grande, no cheese, no sour cream, no ugly consequences from your lactose intolerance. Bon appétit.

 Well, honey, not to complain, but we were starting to think you didn’t either.

 Is that really necessary? Good Lord. The interference pattern in the fracture. The motion of the wave through the molecular structure. I’ve been looking at it all wrong. I can’t consider the electrons as particles. They move through the graphene as a wave. It’s a wave! The moment to applaud would be now. Troglodytes.

 Although, I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a little bit of a perk.

 Hey, what are you and Bernadette doing for your first Valentine’s Day?

 It’s okay. I don’t mind hearing about your sex life. It’s his that bugs me.

 Oh. Well, then I anticipate an awkward situation when you get home.

 We’re going to Switzerland to see the CERN supercollider! And ski. We’ll also go skiing.

 Well, you’ll ski, I’ll fall, but, yeah, we will be in Switzerland for Valentine’s Day.

 What do you think? (The sound of Tuvan throat singing comes from Sheldon’s bedroom.)

 It’s actually not bad. But my true purpose in being here will be revealed in this brief PowerPoint presentation. Lights. Why Sheldon Cooper, PhD, should go to Switzerland to see the CERN supercollider. A PowerPoint presentation by Sheldon Cooper, PhD.

 You know what? Even though I don’t have a girlfriend, I can still have a good time on Valentine’s Day.

 No, no, no, I’m going to have a me day. First I’m going to go to one of those spas in Koreatown, take a steam and get a massage. Then I’m going to stop at a pet store and get licked by puppies.

 Well, our plane leaves at 9 a.m. Do you think you’ll feel better by then?

 What? I’m giving myself dramatic entrance music. People will know I’m awesome and to be feared.

 Yeah, right, there’s nothing more awesome and frightening than a man who’s got music blasting from between his nipples.

 Can’t believe it. We’re going to meet Stan Lee! (Presses play on his iPod. His shirt starts to play “I’m So Excited” by the Pointer Sisters. He dances.)

 Um, uh, Stan Lee, oh, he was in those goofy kung fu movies you love so much?

 Yes, yes, look, and now you have a photo to remember that heroic day.

 Oh, no, that’s terrible. Ooh, the line’s moving. Got to go. Bye.

 Hey, I didn’t even mention Dum Dum Dugan or Green Goblin, Matt Murdock, Pepper Potts, Victor Von Doom, oh, and worst of all, Millie the Model.

 Okay, that’s enough, Howard. The poor guy’s had a tough time. He had to spend the entire afternoon in jail wearing that suit.

 Right, right. Anyway, Sheldon here is a huge fan of yours, and he was supposed to meet you the other day at the comic book store, but he kind of ended up in jail.

 Oh, no, no, I said I’m inviting you to come with me to Stan Lee’s house.

 Fantastic Four, Daredevil, Invincible Iron Man, Happy Hogan, Curt Connors…

 Yeah, sometimes I don’t listen, sometimes I just watch your jaw go up and down.

 We were on our way to the Chinese restaurant when we thought we saw Adam West, so we followed him.

 No. But there is an original final draft Ghostbusters script with actual slime stains! (Raj whispers to Leonard) Oh, you’re right, it’s Ghostbusters 2. Never mind.

 Oh, my God. An Alf doll. When I was 11 my mother got me one to help me sleep after my dad left. I used to pretend that my dad had moved to the planet Melmac, and Alf was going to bring him back to me. But he never did. Where’s my daddy, puppet? Where is he?

 No, but it’s close. Look at the markings inside. Those are production markings. Nine rings were made for use in the Lord of the Rings movies. Three were given to members of the cast. The rest were destroyed. Except one. One was stolen. Gentlemen, this is the one ring.

 Okay, that’s a lot of money. The wise thing to do is invest it in something practical. Like a jet ski.

 Fine. He can have it back as long as he promises to make me a hobbit in his next movie.

 Clearly, you’ve never been to my house for dinner on Rosh Hashanah.

 Hey, guys. Enjoying your food that I actually brought you instead of promising food, but bringing you a box of random crap?

 Yeah, it’s delicious, the sarcasm’s a little stale, though. Hey, how about this? Until we figure out what to do with the ring, Penny holds on to it.

 Okay, just so you know, if we’re bringing in cousins who are lawyers, prepare for shock and awe.

 I think it’s lovely you call your mommy and let her know you’re going to be late for dinner. From what I know about these things, if a woman doesn’t breast-feed on time, it’s very uncomfortable for her boobies.

 So, when they ride horses and fly on the birds, they also use their ponytails.

 Hey, you didn’t want a Slurpee at 7-Eleven, you don’t get glasses.

 Oh, that will be another congratulatory call for me. Uh, mute, please.

 Well, no, you’re mistaken. You give speeches all the time. What you can’t do is shut up.

 Okay, your problem is, you’re trying to do this all by yourself.

 My mother is a highly regarded psychiatrist, and I’ve been in therapy ever since she accused me of breast-feeding co-dependently.

 I question your premise. How is a new suit going to prevent me from passing out in front of a ballroom full of people?

 This is great. I had a suit like this when I was six. (Cut to Sheldon exiting in a white dinner suit with tails) Okay, I think we have a winner.

 Penny, Leonard. Would you be able to answer some questions I’m having about the events of last night?

 Seriously? You have nothing better to do than sit around and discuss the possibility of giant ants?

 Interesting. That might explain my weepy days in the middle of the month. You know what I’m talking about.

 Really? Because every time we’ve talked about unusual animal genitals, you’ve always had some pretty strong and controversial opinions.

 Can we please talk about something else? Maybe something vaguely related to life as we know it on this planet?

 Did you think it would be funny to put on a pair of her panties and jump around, but it wound up just creeping her out?

 Did you take a Benadryl and fall asleep while pleasuring her? Because you can die that way.

 Hey, Penny! And you guys. Albino Bob couldn’t make it, so I brought a substitute. I believe some of you know Wil Wheaton.

 I, um, I want you to know that even though we’re on opposite sides, I, I bear you no ill will.

 Gets us out of our heads. You get in your head, you start to overthink, overanalyze, obsess, you worry. That’s not what we’re doing tonight. Tonight we’re just throwing a ball at some pins.

 Mm-hmm, and someday, we don’t know when, maybe you’ll love me back. Ooh, I’m up.

 Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yeah, I’m telling you the Match.com chicks are much looser than on eHarmony. You know, I, I gotta call you back. I won a bet, and it’s time to collect.

 What’s wrong with you? You can’t hang out with your roommate’s ex. That’s totally uncool.

 Let me ask you a question. Do you believe you’re going to go to hell for eating sweet and sour pork?

 Oh, there it is, now that you don’t have a girlfriend, you want to hang out with me again.

 Oh, please, we all know I’m the friend you call when you have no other options. If we were the Justice League, I’d be Aquaman.

 Look at this. Do you think she’s really doing that or is it PhotoShop?

 I’m pretty sure Martha Stewart never got naked with a room full of big, fat Japanese guys.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (knock, knock, knock) Leonard.

 Hey, do you think the elastic woman in The Incredibles needs to use birth control or can she just be a diaphragm?

 Whoa, whoa, whoa. You heard the man. Where’s your throat cultures? Kidding. Sit down.

 No need to apologize. Some of my best friends are experimental physicists. Well, not my best friends, but I know them. My best friend is a molecular chemist named Wendy. I’m sorry, I’m rambling. Hi-lo.

 Well, who wants to stay in a hotel? With windows that don’t open, those crazy card-shaped keys.

 All right, let me show you some of the features of the room. First, windows. Conventional. Open, closed, open, closed, halfway open, or halfway closed, depending on your philosophical bent. Over here is my comic book collection. Feel free to browse. There’s a box of disposable reading gloves on the night stand.

 Vocal test. Morning vocal test. Second vocal test. Second morning vocal test.

 Pee for Houston, pee for Austin, pee for the state my heart got lost in. And shake twice for Texas.

 You know what? It’s, it’s none of my business. If you want to sleep with Sheldon’s doctor buddy right after we stopped seeing each other, go for it.

 Okay, Babydoll Pink, let’s see if you can cover up the fact that I got my dad’s feet.

 It was the best apartment I’d seen, the rent was very reasonable and after you’ve passed the first three barriers you kind of want to take it all the way.

 Well, I’m sorry, Leonard, it’s very hard to feel sympathy for you.

 So, what, that’s it? You’ve stayed with Sheldon all this time because he kept you from going to federal prison?

 That was part of it. The other part is what happened with the elevator.

 Oh, yeah, I’m wondering about that. You said it was working when you moved in.

 Hey, Sheldon. This is Howard and Raj. They work at the university, too.

 Yeah, we’re really close. Uh, uh, we’re at the apartment. (Flashback.)

 The trick is to mix it into Tovex in order to create a combustible gel that will generate over 8,000 kilonewtons of thrust.

 A bad thing. A very bad thing. Get the door. Get the door! Get the door! Get the door! Get the door!

 Don’t make me turn that flag upside down, ’cause you know I’ll do it!

 Howard, do you want to double-check the equatorial mount on the laser? We need it locked onto the Sea of Tranquility.

 You got it. Oh, Raj, no. Billions of dollars have gone into inventing the Internet and filling it with pictures of naked women, so we don’t have to peep through windows.

 I know it sounds easy but there’s a lot of science that goes in designing them.

 Right. Uh yeah, funny. Uh, that device there will measure the photons that return and let us see it on this computer. Raj, get them some glasses.

 2.5 seconds for the light to return. That’s the moon! We hit the moon!

 Yeah, but, uh, think about what this represents. The fact that we can do this is the only way of definitively proving that there are man-made objects on the moon, put there by a member of a species that only 60 years before had just invented the airplane.

 You have destroyed my ability to tolerate idiots. Now, come with me.

 And that’s exactly the answer we gave to the question, what is your attitude towards online dating”

 Howard wanted to write mumbo jumbo, but I said no, our Sheldon would say hokum.

 In a few minutes, when I gloat over the failure of this enterprise, how would you prefer I do it? The standard I told you so? The classic neener-neener? Or just my normal look of haughty derision?

 Ah, there you have it, gentlemen. Our entire dinner unpacked by robot.

 Excuse me. Oh. Amy’s at the dry cleaners, and she’s made a very amusing pun. “I don’t care for perchloroethylene, and I don’t like glycol ether.” Get it? She doesn’t like glycol ether. Sounds like either. (Taps in reply) L-O-L.

 Raj and I entered Sheldon’s information on a dating site, and it spit out Amy Farrah Fowler.

 I’m guessing that future historians will condemn us for not taking this opportunity to kill Sheldon.

 I’ll eat later. I’m busy! Oh, yeah. Just like a real hand. Hmm.

 So, um, Amy, Sheldon tells me you’re a neuro something-or-other.

 Right now, all I can think about is cookies and Hawaiian Punch.

 No, no. My point is, uh, tonight is Sheldon’s first official date. Discuss.

 Once a year. It’s a deal I made with my mother in exchange for her silence on the matter, as well as the occasional use of her George Foreman Grill that seals in the flavour without the fat. How about you, Penny? Do you go on many dates?

 Remarkable. Did you have sexual intercourse with all of these men?

 Okay, Sheldon, you are so wrong. That is not even close to the real number. I’m gonna need a drink over here.

 This is very interesting. Cultural perceptions are subjective. Penny, to your mind, are you a slut?

 You were right. This was a very productive evening. I saw a whole new side of Amy Farrah Fowler tonight.

 Yeah, yeah, great. Howard, uh, slow down. What do you mean it happened again?

 I know! (Raj whispers to him) And he says he’s not gonna stop. (Raj whispers to him urgently) Then see a shrink and figure out how to talk to women.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Ugh. (Knock, knock, knock) U-u-ugh. (Knock, knock, knock) Lenu-u-ugh.

 He’s just expressing his admiration that you don’t even have to put out to get free stuff.

 It’s not free, I’m gonna pay him back. (Raj whispers. Both laugh again) Shut up!

 No, you can’t. Wait. Come back. Halt. Authorized personnel only!

 So, either one of you weirdos want to buy my underwear? Only fourteen hundred bucks.

 In a world ruled by a giant beaver, mankind builds many dams to please the beaver overlord. The low-lying city of Copenhagen is flooded. Thousands die. Devastated, the Danes never invent their namesake pastry. How does one miss that?

 I must take responsibility. I had to stop for feminine hygiene supplies.

 Well, just recently, I learned that you refer to us as Shamy, and I don’t like that.

 I got it. But what I was going for was, you know, how’s your life?

 I doubt you’d understand. Sheldon tells me you only have a master’s degree.

 I’m sorry, was I being too subtle? I meant compared to the real-world applications of neurobiology, theoretical physics is, what’s the word I’m looking for? Hmm, cute.

 Absolutely not. My colleagues and I are mapping the neurological substrates that subserve global information processing, which is required for all cognitive reasoning, including scientific inquiry, making my research ipso facto prior in the ordo cognoscendi. That means it’s better than his research, and by extension, of course, yours.

 No, no, it’s not like that. It’s, uh, I don’t know what it’s like. But there is something I should prepare you for.

 Oh, relax, Leonard, I have raised that boy. I’ve seen him at his best, I’ve seen him at his worst. There’s nothing he can do that’ll surprise me.

 Yeah, it’s like if Alien and Predator decided to go partners in a Jamba Juice.

 Oh, not since we broke up. Wow. How am I going to play this? Sophisticated and relaxed? Friendly, noncommittal? Cold and distant? (Hides under table).

 Okay. Well, how about this? Kidnap Bernadette from the opera wearing a creepy mask so she doesn’t know it’s you.

 I don’t know. Sometimes your movements are so lifelike, I forget you’re not a real boy.

 Well, we’ll just see how your noxious gas fares against my cinnamon-apple-scented aroma therapy candles.

 You know, it just occurred to me, if there are an infinite number of parallel universes, in one of them, there’s probably a Sheldon who doesn’t believe parallel universes exist.

 Two words, deaf chick. It doesn’t matter if I can’t talk, because she can’t hear me.

 I understand that some people find mates in social gathering places such as bars or taverns. Have you tried a bar or tavern?

 Yeah. And it’s an open bar, so I’ll probably be giving it away.

 The hope has been that you’d eventually bend to public opinion. So, Priya, what brings you back to LA?

 I have a one day layover on my way to Toronto. Corporate merger.

 I want to catch up with all of you, but first I really must visit the loo.

 Okay, forget who’s hotter. The first time Priya came to LA, Leonard and I made a pact out of respect to our friendship, and to you, that neither of us would hit on her.

 Hmm, Priya’s not back yet? Well, I guess that’s not unusual, women, men, the whole sitting, standing deal, so, what are we talking about?

 Yeah, I just wanna put it out there in case I inadvertently squirt any pheromones in your direction. Happy? (Raj nods). 

 You are in a forest. There is quicksand to the west, a path leads to the east. Go east. An iron gate blocks your way. Open gate. It’s locked. Hmm, well, so much for that.

 Mm-mm. And besides, I could never bring a white boy home to my parents. They’d have a cow. Which is a much bigger deal in India.

 I’m not that white. My great-great grandmother was half Cherokee. I know that’s not the right kind of Indian but it is something.

 Was it out of respect that you didn’t tell Raj about the time you dropped his iPhone in a urinal?

 Not the brush part, just the little rubber thing to pick food from my teeth and massage my gums.

 Okay, I, I, I think it’s safe to say that we’ve all done some things we’re not particularly proud of. But come on, we’re friends. Friends overlook each other’s minor lapses. For the record, Howard, I’m sorry that I broke our pact.

 Thankyou, and I’m sorry about your phone. And Thanksgiving. And while we’re at it, you don’t have to wash our clothes on the fourth of July.

 Hi. I’m Leonard. And you are beautiful. You pop, sparkle and buzz electric. I’m going to pick you up at eight, show you a night you will never forget.

 It doesn’t matter. They’ll find a reason to give me a one-way ticket back to Gandhi-ville. By the way, when I say that, it’s not offensive.

 Is that, oh, my, I didn’t see the ring with my glasses off, so, look at that, I’m starting to exude.

 I see. Well, it’s good to know, when I need you guys, I can always count on you to step up and ruin everything.

 Howard. The person at fault for you not getting a security clearance is me.

 When she comes out with Eat, Pray, Run Away From A Giant Boulder, I’ll read it.

 I don’t care if Eat, Pray, Love changed your life, I’m not reading it.

 Penny, if you think this is good, you should come with us Friday to see it on the big screen at the Colonial.

 Uh-huh. I’m guessing 21 seconds had something to do with that, too.

 May I point out to you all that the screening is first come, first served?

 Under normal circumstances I’d say, I told you so. But as I have told you so with such vehemence and frequency already, the phrase has lost all meaning. Therefore, I will be replacing it with the phrase I informed you thusly.

 Let me put it this way, takes care of the bathroom problem, and it keeps your calf warm.

 Do you think you could get me and my friends into the movie? We got here a little late.

 Well, I’m not sure how this is scored, but I believe we may have won.

 You want to talk brave, how about Captain America’s undocumented Mexican gardener?

 Are you sure you have enough comics? You’re going to be monitoring the telescope for 12 hours, and by my estimate, you’ve only selected seven hours of reading material. That’s even factoring in your difficulty in parsing American comic book idioms like Bamf and Snikt.

 Don’t be oversensitive. He’s calling you illiterate, not your race.

 Actually, Indian Monopoly’s just like regular, except the money’s in Rupees, instead of hotels you build call centers, and when you pick a chance card, you might die of dysentery. Just FYI, that was racist.

 Yeah. This man is not my father. I’m being held hostage. So I’m going to do something insane in the hopes that you’ll call 911.

 Ah, this takes me back. Leonard obsessing about Penny. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love your new stuff, but once in a while it’s nice to hear the hits.

 Ooh, ooh! Do our babies will be smart and beautiful. That one always makes me laugh.

 Don’t you think that’s something you should have figured out before you stomped over here?

 I have a list. FYI, overuse of the phrase, oh, my god, is number 12.

 Okay, Sheldon, you don’t have to do this because Leonard and I are not…

 Oh, you know. Same old, same old. Looked through a telescope, saw some stars. Big whoop.

 Really? You waited months for time with that telescope. What happened?

 Clarify something for me. Isn’t the point of a communal meal the exchange of ideas and opinions? An opportunity to consider important issues of the day?

 Suppose there are worse ways to spend a Friday night. None come to mind.

 Look at this stamp. On what authority are they permitted to mutilate patrons as they enter?

 Oh, and the science dudes want to talk science with you. What do you want to talk about, rocks, dinosaurs, our friend the beaver?

 No, I’m almost sure that it was the Discovery Channel. It was a great show. They also said dolphins might be smarter than people.

 I got a better idea. We’re all responsible. I say we all go. Come on, who’s with me? Free comic books to anyone who comes with me. I might get punched. You really want to miss that?

 Listen, uh, the stuff we were saying before, we were just kidding around.

 Fine, if Zack’s going to be Superman, I want to be Green Lantern.

 She and her lab team are under quarantine. Seems at the Christmas party they were doing Jell-O shots out of petri dishes that used to contain yellow fever.

 Okay, well, forget it. I’m not spending my New Year’s Eve at a comic book store wearing a Wonder Woman costume.

 Look up in the sky. It’s a bird. It’s a plane. I forget the rest.

 She told me she dated a guy named Leonard. Who would have thought it was you?

 You got her to have sex with you. Obviously, your superpower is brainwashing.

 Good Lord, how you frustrate me, Leonard Hofstadter! (Runs back) Fine.

 Ma, Ma, calm down. Listen to me. I know it says click with the mouse, but on a laptop, the trackpad is the mouse. Now, put your finger on it. Doesn’t matter which finger. Good choice. Now move it down to your e-mail icon. Yeah, the little envelope. What do you mean, what does it look like? It looks like an envelope! Fine, you don’t like the computer, don’t use it! Sure, we can exchange it for a salad spinner. Good-bye!

 I was thinking, we could write a little app that would use handwriting recognition, and then run it through a symbolic evaluation engine. You just use your smartphone, take a picture of the equation and bam!

 I was thinking we could work on this at night, and then maybe in a couple of weeks, we’ll have ourselves an app to sell.

 Whatever your secret is, I’m sure it’s boring, so I’m not interested.

 It’s not boring at all. You see, in higher order mathematics, there are certain sets of equations that…

 Oh, great. You know what? I’ve already mooched dinner off you guys. I don’t need to listen to this.

 Okay. You need to get clear on this right now. I am in charge of this project.

 Mm. Last night, I had a dream we got so rich from the app, you and I bought matching side-by-side mansions. But there was a secret tunnel connecting your front yard to my back yard. What do you think that means?

 Hey, we agreed when it was Eureka time, we were all gonna say it together.

 No. It’s a little tricky. I’m gonna try having it pick up the libraries dynam…

 I’ll tell you one thing. If I get rich enough, that’s the kind of girl I want to take on a submarine ride. And yes, that time, I meant it to be dirty.

 Bored. Okay. These are Steve Maddens. These are Nine West. These are Target. Oh, but don’t they look like Chanel? These are Michael Kors. These are Roxy. These are Sachel’s. Oh, these are Betsy Johnson, they’re so cute…

 You know, for a smart guy, you really seem to have a hard time grasping the concept, don’t piss off the people who handle the things you eat.

 Good morning. If I could have everyone’s attention, please? I know we’re all eager to get on the road to Big Sur, so if we focus, I’m sure we can get through this orientation in under a half an hour. Then it’s just Q&A, quiz, safety drills, pose for commemorative group photo and we’re off.

 Red Leader to Red Five, come in. Red Leader to Red Five, come in. Howard, you promised.

 So, Amy, I’ve been wondering, are you and Sheldon going to be sharing a room?

 Yeah, hi. Listen, I just got a text from Raj. He wanted me to tell you that when Howard says nap, he means sex.

 Sweetie, let me put this in a way you’ll understand. From the waist down, my shields are up.

 Got it, got it. We can do all kinds of stuff from the waist up, you know?

 Sure. I think all branches of science have to move cautiously these days. It’s not just giant nuclear weapons that can destroy the world. As a microbiologist, I can tell you even the tiniest organisms can still tear you a new one.

 Interesting. I think what you might need to know about my colleague is that though she claims her field of interest  is tiny organisms, she certainly has spent her fair share of time around what we can assume was pretty massive weaponry.

 I think Mr. Wolowitz needs to keep in mind that the past is the past. But he should know that I am the kind of girl who could get all the giant missiles she wants.

 Oh, I don’t know. Maybe when you walk into a hotel room and you see a guy getting back together with his girlfriend, you should consider doing something other than crawling into the adjoining bed.

 How would you feel if you met my ex-girlfriend and she was like Angelina Jolie?

 Are you bothered by the fact that your former girlfriend left the symposium with what is probably the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen in my life?

 Listening to Dr. Cooper has made me want to start cutting myself again

 Well, thanks, Bernadette. And just for the record, labradoodles are hypo-allergenic, which is a very sexy quality to those troubled by animal dander.

 So I just want you to relax and kind of move around in the space. You know, just do whatever feels natural. Sheldon?

 You said to do whatever feels natural. This feels natural. Certainly more natural than what you’re doing.

 You’re thinking of 28 Days Later. 28 Days is where Sandra Bullock goes to rehab and puts the audience into an undead state

 Hey, don’t bag on Sandra Bullock! You think it makes you look cultured, but you just come off as bitter.

 Yeah. So, listen, fellas, who’s up for a little party this Saturday night? Open bar, good eats, might even be a few pretty girls.

 All right, let me put it this way. You’re gonna put on a suit, you’re gonna come to this party, and you’re gonna explain your research to a bunch of old people, or I swear to God, I’ll blind you with a hot spoon, like they did to that little boy in Slumdog Millionaire.

 Oh, Howard, I can’t believe Bernadette let you go to a fancy party wearing a dickey.

 Excuse me, my girlfriend doesn’t pick out my clothes. My mother does.

 And so, instead of bowing to pressure, and going to that pointless soiree, I stayed right here and did a load of whites.

 No, no, no, I’m just here for your money. I don’t want to shake anyone’s germy hands. Explain it to them, Siebert.

 I must confess I don’t understand you, President Siebert. First you say you want me to appear at your fund-raisers, but now you say you never want me to go anywhere near your fund-raisers. Forgive me, but that sounds like a mixed message. Here we go again. If there’s simply no talking to me, why did you call? I’m sorry, someone’s on the other line. Why don’t you see if you can organize your thoughts, and we’ll try again later. Cooper-Hofstadter residence. Go for Cooper.

 Terrific. Great. What level is that? (She grabs him and kisses him) Okay, now you don’t remind me of my mom.

 Okay, fine. I’ll tell him. Leonard, Mrs. Latham’s car is here for you.

 Yeah, some work thing. Anyway, my mother seems to think that Bernadette…

 I don’t know. A couple of days ago. The thing is, Bernadette doesn’t like that I have to take care of my mother, and my mother doesn’t trust Bernadette.

 It’s completely inappropriate for a single woman to entertain a man in private. If you insist on talking, you must do it on the couch! All right, you may talk in the bedroom, but I want this door to remain open! All right, just this once you may close the door. But keep in mind I’ll be right out here monitoring the situation! (Dials phone) Oh, damn it. Leonard, when you get this message, call me. (Dials again) Priya, this is your brother. When you get this, tell Leonard to check his voicemail.

 Yeah, but you were just sleeping, because I forboded you to have sex.

 I’m not being a child. Leonard, I swear to God, if your sister ever comes to town, I shall have my way with her.

 All the more shame that will fall upon the house of Hofstadter.

 So, Penny, Leonard tells me you’re an actress. That must be pretty exciting.

 Now, let’s get these electrodes attached and see what’s going on in that pretty little noggin of yours.

 Buona sera, Luigi’s Pizza. Buona sera. It means good evening in Italian. May I say, having to explain that to you calls into question the authenticity of your ristorante?

 Look, Sheldon, Leonard is dating Priya. She is staying with Raj. That means you’re all probably gonna be hanging out there more.

 Penny, I’m sorry you got dragged into this. I know you’re devastated that your ex-boyfriend has found an exciting new lover with flawless, caramel-coloured skin.

 Ooh, I got one. If you guys were a band, you’d be called Leonard and the Leonards.

 Well, it would appear LeVar Burton won’t be joining us so let’s get started. Um, I thought we’d begin by going around the room, introducing ourselves and saying a little bit about why we’re here. Okay. I’m Sheldon. Uh, for regular readers of The New England Journal of High Energy Physics, I need no introduction. If you’re not familiar with that publication, there’s a free copy in your goody bag. Stuart?

 If you’d have let me bring the chloroform, we wouldn’t have had to put up with all this jibber-jabber.

 Can you please get back to the drunk girl? I’d like something to think about in the shower.

 That all sucks the big haiwy meatball. How about I go get the kawaoke machine out of my car, get plastered and blow the woof off this place?

 Outstanding. And if we fail, we can always stop at CVS and pick you out a nice toothbrush. I call mine Gerard.

 Long before the cats. I think it was around the time he tried to declare our apartment a sovereign nation. I still have some of the currency.

 (Knock, knock, knock) All my friends. (Knock, knock, knock) All my friends. (Knock, knock, knock) All my friends.

 I think it’s like Beetlejuice. We said his name too many times.

 If you had them on now, you could see what we’re going to do next.

 Now spread them out on the table face down. Pick one, look at it.

 Okay, October is the tenth month. So ten, one plus zero is one, plus six is seven. Turn over the seventh card.

 I’m not going out with him. He can sleep with whoever he wants.

 Aw, he has the same look my little nephew gets when he can’t figure out how I got his nose.

 You know, I have some remedial magic tricks that might be more your speed. Like, ooh, look! The pencil’s rubber!

 Maybe, but that’s not my problem. She’s not my girlfriend, you are.

 Pick a card, Sheldon. Now look at it, and put it back in the deck. Now do you remember your card? Of course I do, I have an eidetic memory. My apologies. Now shuffle the cards. Shuffling. Wait here. Processing image, cross-referencing.

 Three thousand hours. Three thousand hours clicking on that mouse, collecting weapons and gold. It’s almost as if it was a huge waste of time.

 I should say so, he appears to be a member of the Nigerian royal family.

 No, no, I think it’s sexy to date a boy trapped in a man’s body.

 I’m sure many women in happy relationships spend their nights skyping with their ex-boyfriend Sanjay.

 Hello, Priya. What’s up? How would I know if Leonard’s at work or not? Don’t be suspicious. Look, if you want your relationship with Leonard to continue, you’re going to have to believe whatever wild-eyed, cockamamie excuse the white devil has the nerve to offer you. Okay? Yeah, bye-bye. You owe me.

 I can’t believe we’re going all the way to San Diego to confront this guy.

 You’re welcome to try, but the other day, it took you 15 minutes to get into a FedEx box. (Rings bell)

 Yeah, she doesn’t really understand the whole Warcraft adventure-role-playing thing.

 This one’s funny, Leonard. How come you couldn’t make it work with her?

 Well, then, good news. Today’s the day a girl’s finally going to touch you in your little special place. (Kicks him in the groin) Now give him his stuff back.

 Oh, great. It’s my cousin David about the ring. Hey, David, what’d you find? Oh, sure, a half a carat’s fine. Her freakishly small hands make anything look big. It’s one of the reasons I love her.

 Top of her class, Cambridge University. Licensed to practice law in three countries. And your face.

 As for the shower capacity issue, I cite addendum J. When Sheldon showers second, any and all measures shall be taken to ensure an adequate supply of hot water. I believe this supercedes the occupancy issue.

 That’s interesting. Can you just switch restaurants like that, Priya?

 (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?

 And that opens her up To justifiable ridicule for wearing them. Good one, Bernadette. See? Ker-razy.

 I hope you don’t take what I’m about to do as a comment on what we just did. (Runs to bathroom and vomits)

 Who’s to say you shouldn’t be dissecting our brains? You really are an ass.

 Terrific. Thank you. (Noise of Ricky in background) They were out of menthols! Get off my back! Not easy living with a temperamental little primate.

 How do you feel about concealing a recording device in the cleavage of your ample bosom?

 Thank you. Befuddled. The word I was looking for was befuddled.

 Knight to old woman six-and-a-third. Brilliant move. Thank you. (Knock on door) Will the two of you excuse me?

 My name is Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali, and this is my friend Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

 Oh, just getting comfortable. So how long have you lived in Los Angeles?

 Nice. Okay, rook to transporter pad. And he comes out at Leonard’s Queen’s Bishop

 I know. But if she orders something low-fat I’ll totally give her the full-fat version.

 Hey! That’s my sister and my country you’re talking about. Leonard may have defiled one, but I won’t have you talking smack about the other.

 Hey, have you told your parents you’re dating this short glass of skim milk here?

 Uh, that’s different. First of all, we’re not engaged, and second, Indian parents are very protective of their children.

 Hope so. Of course, if history is any indication, my mother will swallow her whole and spit out her bones like an owl.

 I hope it’s good news, because I’ve got nothing but disappointment in here!

 Bernadette and I are getting married. Ma? You too busy bearing down? Ma? (crashing sound from in bathroom) Oh, my God, Ma? Ma? Ma? Stand back, I’m gonna break the door down! (Runs at door. It doesn’t break down. Falls over.) Son of a bitch! Ma, help!

 What can I tell you? After I found the courage to put her pants back on, I was unstoppable.

 They’re running tests. I don’t know. It may have been a heart attack or heart-attack-like event.

 You’d think it’d be because my parents didn’t love me, but actually they loved me a great deal.

 How can we be together if the thought of us getting married might kill your mother?

 Uh, I’ll have the Shepherd’s Pie. You want to split that with me?

 Yeah, a little tip: he says he can eat frozen yoghurt. Do not believe it.

 You gotta like this, the girlfriend and the ex-girlfriend bonding over your rooty-tooty stinky booty.

 The thesis committee accepted my doctoral dissertation. I’m getting my PhD.

 Wow, so that means you’re a doctor, you’re a doctor, you’re a doctor, you’re a doctor, and Howard, you know a lot of doctors.

 I must say, Amy, I was very impressed to see that Bernadette got her PhD.

 If you’re gonna be a trophy husband for a rich wife, you might want to watch your waistline.

 Yeah, ha-ha. First of all, I’m not threatened by my fiancée’s success. I’m proud of her. And secondly, I have my own career.

 There’s a reciprocity clause. You get to pull the plug on him, too.

 It’s not a big thing. Just think of me as a brown Martha Stewart.

 Oh, you let me worry about the money. I just want my baby to have pretty things.

 Oh, God. Oh, God! Oh. Okay, look. This never happened. Do you understand me? (Raj nods) Really? Still can’t talk to me?

 Hey, if I wasn’t engaged to Bernadette, that totally could have been me.

 Please. Sheldon would have been before you, and he might not even have genitals.

 Why do you care so much? You’re dating my sister, and Penny and I are in love.

 You can’t blame yourself. When your prefrontal cortex fails to make you happy, promiscuity rewards you with the needed flood of dopamine. We neurobiologists refer to this as the skank reflex.

 You know what, guys, I’m not in the mood for paintball. What do you say we just bag it?

 I don’t know, maybe teach acting. (Phone rings) Oh, sorry. Hold on. Hello?

 Penny, Penny, listen, I hope you’re not doing this ’cause of you and me, because I have a girlfriend, and you’re a single woman.

 Thanks for letting me stay here while Leonard Skypes with his girlfriend.

 Yeah, it was just sitting on the street. I paid a homeless guy ten bucks to help me get it up here.

 Oh, Leonard, good. There you are. I need you to check my head for chair lice.

 You’re welcome. Please let me know when you and your girlfriend are done hogging the bandwidth for your self-abuse. I’m trying to stream a movie on Netflix in here.

 All right, honey, if we’re gonna make the movie, we should go. (Raj stands) This may be hard for you to hear, but when I say honey, I mean my fiancée. (Raj whispers to him) Yeah, well, now it means her.

 I’m glad to hear you say that, because I’m having a wonderful time. Hmm, I said the same thing to my gynaecologist.

 Well, don’t think of it that way. Once we move in, it’ll be our house.

 Dear Amy, self-respect and a hymen are better than friends and fun. Love, Mom.

 Well, you can add Jerry’s Junction to the list of train stores Sheldon Cooper will never set foot in again.

 Glad to hear it. I need someone to accompany me to the wedding of Dr. Moranelli and Dr. Gustufson this Friday. They’re kind of the Brad and Angelina of the primatology department.

 Perhaps you’re right. My cheekbones and beckoning pelvis already have a certain hello sailor quality to them.

 I never went to my prom. My mom paid my cousin to take me, but he just used the money to buy drugs.

 No. I’ll let him have tonight. Then in the morning, I’ll send him an e-mail letting him know this body is never gonna be his wonderland. I mean, frankly, you’ve got a better shot than he does.

 Leonard. Check it out. I bought an N-gauge locomotive. Half the size of H-O. Look, it fits in my mouth.

 Great. We spent five hours last night at Macy’s registering for gifts. Looks like I’m finally going to have that darling little earthenware asparagus dish I’ve always wanted.

 See, this is the good thing about having a girlfriend 9,000 miles away. I can spend my nights doing whatever I want.

 You mean like playing nerd games with us and then taking a suspiciously long shower?

 Now that Howard’s getting married, maybe he’ll inflate one of his old girlfriends for you.

 You know who I blame for my loneliness? The United States of America. Your movies and your TV shows promised streets paved with beautiful blonde women with big bazongas.

 Yeah, but her husband is in serious congestive heart failure, and a little birdie told me he’s in the placebo group.

 Uh, I don’t want to show any more of your friends how I can fit in the booster seats.

 Raj says it’s nice to meet you, too. She says she has to go back to her family, but Penny has her number if you want to text her and get together.

 Okay, I’m going to play it cool. Tell her, maybe. Whatever, babe.

 Oh, of course not. She wouldn’t do something like that. She’s deaf.

 What? He paid off her credit cards? Damn it, I could’ve dated Raj for a couple months. But I, I wouldn’t have, because I’m not that kind of girl. We should really talk to Raj.

 Look, Penny, you’re great, but I had a long talk with my parents, and they said if I date an Indian girl, I get a Maserati.

 Oh, and don’t cheap out on the tip. We all know you’re loaded now.

 Oh, it’s hard to put a price on something that’s a copy of something that was on pay cable. But for my friends, let’s say 250?

 Okay, if you’re going to question the importance of an actor’s signature on a plastic helmet from a movie based on a comic book, then all of our lives have no meaning!

 Here’s the Batman 612 with the Jim Lee alternate cover that you wanted.

 There will be girls. You guys are invited if you want to come by.

 Oh, great, more guys. It’s gonna be another Wil Wheaton sausage-fest.

 Sorry I’m late. Uh, I got great news. NASA picked my team’s design for the deep field space telescope that’s going on the International Space Station this spring.

 Well, I mean, safe as it can be when it was built by the good folks who brought you Chernobyl.

 I’d like to propose a toast. The dream to go up into space is one we all share, and Howard’s making that a reality. We’re all very proud of you.

 Hey, my father abandoned me and my mother when I was 11. We never saw him again.

 What choice did I have? She went behind my back and turned my own mother against me.

 Wow. You’re not only our first astronaut. You’re also the first one of us to kick a girl out of bed. You’re like a rock star.

 Hey, you know that beautiful actress who plays the Borg Queen in First Contact?

 I remembered your story about the time you went to a convention when you were a kid to get one signed, and I didn’t show up.

 You’re missing out. It’s gonna be wall-to-wall fun. It’s all themed. There’s Jonah and the Whale Watching, all-you-can-eat Last Supper Buffet, and my personal favourite, Gunning with God.

 All right, that settles it, we’re going out. Do you like sushi? There’s a great little place down the street.

 Although, I do regret not following up with that specialist in Houston.

 It’s kind of like the Loch Ness monster. Maybe there’s something there, maybe there isn’t. We’ll probably never know. But sometimes it’s fun to creep yourself out thinking about it.

 How are you doing on the young lady front? I hear you’re in some sort of a long distance situation?

 Uh, yeah, it’s Raj’s sister. It’s kind of tough. She’s in India. Also, her parents aren’t happy she’s dating someone white.

 And what do we do it with? (Sheldon fixes a large false smile.) Now you listen to me. I know you feel like you can’t find someone, but there’s a lock for every key. Back home, there’s a girl works at the Wal-Mart. Tall, tall girl. Woman could hunt geese with a rake. Thought she’d never find a man, then one day, wouldn’t ya know, Harlem Globetrotters come to town. Long story short, today that woman travels the world with a semi-professional basketball player and two beautiful mixed-race babies.

 I’m glad we’re finally getting to do something together, just the two of us.

 I hear that Leonard has a new girlfriend. How are you doing with all that?

 Oh, fine. You know, it’s been a while. I’m getting back out there.

 Let me ask you, when you get back out there, are you wearing this? (Holds up a skimpy top)

 Hon, you think maybe the reason why you’re having trouble finding a guy to settle down with is because you’re letting them ride the roller coaster without buying a ticket?

 Oh, they don’t always get to ride the roller coaster. Sometimes they only get to spin the teacups. Now I’m going out tonight. Would it be crazy to ask you to look at the outfit I’m going to wear?

 Oh, my word, a trip to the heavens. If you ever want to live there eternally, I’ve got a good book you could read.

 Thanks, but I watch the Charlie Brown Christmas special every year, so I get the gist.

 Come on, Sheldon, we’ll take your mom to see the Hollywood sign, the wax museum, the Walk of Fame.

 Well, I can’t spend twelve thousand dollars on a handbag, but it’s free to look upon those who do with righteous condemnation.

 The trick to pancakes is bacon grease. I cook everything in it.

 That lecture was a waste of time. I made more accurate diagrams of the expansion of the early universe on the nursery wall with the contents of my diaper. (Sneezes)

 You take notes, darlin’. The real way to get a man is with melted cheese and cream of mushroom soup. He’ll die at 50 but his love will be true.

 No, I will always sing you Soft Kitty. (Sings) Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur…

 This is what I’m talking about. (Sings) Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur…

 And reverse the spin on the antiproton, and gamma becomes alpha, multiplied by a matrix of negative I comma zero, and there we have it. Conclusive proof that I am absolutely worthless after nine o’clock.

Not as droll as a grown man passed out in a puddle of his own urine.

 Doesn’t matter. This is the closest anyone’s ever come. You’re going on the wall, my friend.

 More Halloween candy? Didn’t you just buy a bunch of it yesterday?

 Oh, dear. (Reaches into box, picks up a snake) Oh, dear. (Puts snake into Raj’s top drawer) Oh, dear, oh, dear. Oh, dear, oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Purell, Purell, Purell, Purell.

 Hello, Howard. I’ve realized that you scaring me was all in jest. Allow me to say, job well done. (Grabs his own hand. Electrocutes himself.) Perfect.

 Whatever. (Takes his hand. Starts to be electrocuted) My… oh… it’s… (Clutches heart and collapses)

 Yes and no. All those bridesmaids dresses remain unused and available to us for free. So it seems that cloud of odourless deadly gas had a silver lining after all. Check it out, still in the bags. The gowns, not the bridesmaids.

 All right, who wants to go to my apartment and look at bridal magazines?

 Totally. What’s wrong with cap sleeves? If you have the right figure for it, they’re adorable.

 It’s hard to make degenerative brain maladies hilarious, and yet somehow you do it.

 The real fun starts when you get to pick the rat you’re going to feed it to, and maybe you choose the beady-eyed little mother who’s been biting you all week.

 Why are they asking me about this stuff? What guy knows what a sweetheart neckline is? (Raj raises his hand)

 Everybody hurts, sometimes everybody cries. Everybody hurts, sometimes.

 For all those girls out there looking for the Indian Monopoly man?

 Amy, you’re not a tumour. Penny, tell her she’s not a tumour. (Penny is vomiting in the dustbin). 

 Did you know that when Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he proposed answering it with ahoy? Ahoy. I like it. Amy? Is that you? Have you been drinking? I’m sorry, I bet my sweet what? Well, all right. We’re on our way.

 Didn’t you go to high school, Leonard? Parking lots are where all the cool kids hang out. Not that the rat bastards ever invited me.

 Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on. Sheldon, what would it take for you to go into that liquor store, buy a bottle of hooch, take me across the street to that motel, and have your way with me?

 Good! Go! There are some girls right over there. What are you waiting for?

 Maybe I’m not done hanging out with… (Laura has gone) You’re right, it’s getting late.

 Guess you gotta have hollow bones to get some sugar around here.

 You do? Because if that’s what you like, I can be that guy. I swear, I’ll be anything you want me to be.

 It’s probably for the best. For a lot of these guys, the weekly trip here is the only chance their mom has to go down to the basement and change their sheets.

 Yeah, for what it’s worth, engaged people can look around, too. Lot of options out there.

 I want to return this Wild West and Witches Ka’a expansion pack.

 Oh, yeah. Now he’s gonna miss all those great updates like, I can’t believe I waited this long to make my own potpourri.

 None taken. Although repellent is kind of a, kind of a strong word.

 I’m sorry this causes you discomfort, but based on the currently established parameters of our relationship, I can put myself in any repellent situation I want.

 Hmm. That’s too bad. We could have spent New Year’s Eve waiting for the ball to drop.

 Okay? Come on, I read online you’re a physicist at a university, you won some medal.

 That’s funny because those aren’t the kind of kisses you want on your nipples.

 Oh, man, I, I don’t know what to say. I always thought we were just having some fun.

 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I drive better drunk. You know, it makes you pay attention.

 How about that? After all these years, your big bad high school bully finally apologizes.

 I’m not afraid of you any more, Jimmy. Now get out! (Pushes him) Uh-oh.

 Little snarky there, cello lessons. And we have this completely ordinary cylinder. If you’d like to examine it?

 As I was saying, empty box, empty cylinder, and, ooh, voila. (Pulls out a goldfish in a jar)

 Sheldon, he’s just gonna do a few magic tricks for some kids. I really don’t think they’re gonna end up liking the Green Lantern movie.

 Oh, yes. Our relationship agreement specifies that the second Thursday of every month, or the third Thursday in a month with five Thursdays, is date night.

 Oh-ho-ho! I haven’t seen this trick in years. It’s called the dove pan. You let everyone see the pan is empty, but there’s a secret compartment in the lid. And then you open it and produce a live… Don’t look in there.

 I don’t think there’s anything in this jewellery store that Amy would appreciate more than the humidifier we were just looking at at Sears.

 Well, how are we doing this afternoon? Are we looking for anything special? Perhaps a ring for the lady?

 He’s in trouble with his girlfriend and needs to buy her a present.

 Great, trouble with girlfriends is what’s putting my daughter through USC.

 Huh, it’ll kill her. On the other hand, if I don’t give her grandchildren, that’ll kill her, too. So, either way, on the Mom front, I’m golden.

 Well, I don’t want to talk to him. And I’m pretty disappointed in you, too. Although we both know that won’t last.

 Jewellery? Seriously? Sheldon, you are the most shallow, self-centred person I have ever met. Do you really think another transparently manip..oh! It’s a tiara! A tiara! I have a tiara! Put it on me, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me.

 You know, I don’t know if this counted as a fight, but how about some make-up sex?

 I would love that. But what is that behind your ear? Oh, look, it’s a condom.

 Did you forget what Penny did to you? It took you two years and defiling my sister to turn that frown upside down.

 If they ever make a movie version of that book, you know who should play Leonard’s mother? Sandra Bullock.

 Ooh, eight thirty. You and Penny decide to go out and paint the town beige?

 That is so sweet. In 25 to 30 minutes I’m gonna show you how much this means to me.

 Yeah, just hang on, Sheldon. You know why we can’t be together? Because you always have to be right.

 You know what? I just realized I’m on a break. I’ll get someone else.

 Leonard, are you listening to me? (Leonard is in the hallway with Sheldon. It is the opening scene, and Sheldon has just found his cardboard Spock.) 

 Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to the premiere episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Over the next 52 weeks, you and I are going to explore the dynamic world of vexillology.

 Great. You keep a list, I’ll keep a list. At some point, we’ll exchange.

 I stopped on the way to work. Hey, do you want to peel the plastic off with me?

 Grab a corner. Whoa, what’s your hurry, cowboy? Savour the moment.

 Bug report: When a guy asks me to spend time with him, maybe he plans something a little more interesting than hanging out at home, watching TV.

 Look at that. Some day, we will tell future generations that dating used to be hard.

 Thank you for hiding my Star Wars socks at the emergency room. Is it a good time to evaluate the beta test and see where we stand?

 So, are we still taking things slow? Because a gunshot wound today, last week, I slammed my thumb in the kitchen drawer. We don’t know how much time I have.

 Dave, I found six vacuum cleaner repair shops in your area. Four are fairly close to you. (To Raj) Hello, sexy. What can I help you with? If you’d like to make love to me, just tell me. (Raj tries to speak) I’m sorry. I don’t understand.

 Because the cafeteria doesn’t offer little packets of methamphetamine.

 Sheldon, that’s not what girlfriends are for. Although, you don’t use them for what they’re for, so what do I know?

 Howard doesn’t make me do his shopping, or take him to the dentist, or pick up his dry cleaning, right?

 Okay, uh, what if we make Rocket Man your ringtone, and the next time you talk to those guys, I’ll call you and they’ll hear it. Plant the seed.

 Absolutely. If you admit that you’re a 30-year-old man who’s incapable of functioning on his own.

 I thought because our relationship’s in a beta test, you wanted to take things slow.

 Fine. But mark my words, this frustrating, bogus teenage make-out session is not over.

 Hey, guys, the building manager said the reason the power went out is someone went down into the basement and just pulled the main breaker switch.

 Gentlemen, I think I’ve come up with a fun way to get young people interested in science. Physics Mad-Libs. Now, give me a number.

 Doesn’t look happy, so I’m guessing he wants to talk to Sheldon.

 You know, the connection between marriage and money is nothing new. In fact, the term wed referred to the money and livestock that the groom paid the bride’s father. For example, you’re adorable, intelligent and a good earner. I could conservatively see you going for at least two oxen and a goose. (To Penny) You would fetch a unicorn.

 You know, if I had a week off, I’d go back to the Two Bunch Palms Resort and Spa in the desert. I tell you, an hour on the massage table with Trevor, and you’ll feel like you were born without bones.

 Boy, oh, boy. This vacation is off to a wonderful start. The smell of formaldehyde, the whir of the centrifuge, the distant chatter of lab animals being dispatched for dissection. Mm, I can already feel my cares just melting away.

 Here you go. This is now the only lab with glassware washed by a man with two doctorates and a restraining order signed by Carl Sagan.

 You know those girls text me every detail of their lives as it happens.

 I guess. Still, it’s a shame Professor Rothman was forced to step down.

 What choice did the university have? He snapped. It happens to theoretical physicists all the time.

 Sheldon, give the man some pwivacy. I’m sowwy. This guy’s got no wespect for boundawies.

 Will you tell this wunatic that Pwofessor Wothman’s office is wightfully mine?

 Gentlemen, I’m going to allow the two of you to work this out because A, you’re both brilliant scientists, and B, as far as who gets Rothman’s office, I couldn’t give the furry crack of a rat’s behind.

 How about you decide this with Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock?

 No, he didn’t. Nothing that’s happening here is being done on purpose. Okay, uh, forget one-on-one. Let’s try a free throw contest. First person who makes a basket wins the office.

 Aw wight, Cooper, pwepare to have your heart bwoken. (Throws ball up. It hits the ceiling and doesn’t come down.) Do I get points for that?

 Uh, on the count of three, both of you bounce the balls as hard as you can. The highest bounce wins the office.

 Hang in there. I’ll be right back. (Takes out phone and takes a photo. Sits down and starts posting it online.)

 When you tell this story later, the word we usually use is quirky.

 You know what does have an oh in front of it? Oh, my God, I’m an astronaut, and you’re dying of jealousy.

 Quick question here, have we actually changed the conversation from I’m going

 I got a look at the centrifuge they’re going to spin me around in tomorrow, and I have a hunch I packed a little light.

 Mr. D’Onofrio? It’s Sheldon. They didn’t have anything barber-themed in the gift shop, so I got you this. I don’t know if you can read his little T-shirt. It says, um, get well bear-y soon. Trust me, if you were even a little conscious right now, you’d be laughing. Anyway, there’s new studies that show, people in comas are aware of everything going on around them. With that in mind, if you can hear me, move away from the light and toward the sound of these scissors.

 Well, no, I mean, your king is trapped. He can’t go here because of my lighthouse, and he can’t go here because of my pointy-head guy.

 I don’t know. Between you playing chess like Bobby Fischer and Sheldon being okay with you in his spot, I’m guessing someone went back in time, stepped on a bug, and changed the course of human events.

 He showed up in the middle of the night with his bongos. I foolishly thought it was some sort of musical booty call.

 Poor guy. He must have been exhausted. Sheldon like to sleep while Leonard play the bongo!

 All right, honey, look, we’ve known each other for a long time now, right? I’ve taken you to Disneyland, I kicked a bully in the nuts for you, I sing you Soft Kitty when you’re sick, you’ve even saw me naked once.

 Hey, Sheldon, clear your weekend. Starting Saturday morning, Star Wars< marathon

 Look, if you don’t want to go to the party, just don’t go. You’re a grown man. Act like one. Tell Amy you want to spend the weekend having a sleepover and playing video games with your friends. Maybe she’ll dig it. Women like a firm hand on the tiller.

 Oh. So you chose that when you become turned on, you turn into Speedy Gonzalez?

 Keep an eye on those expiration dates, I’ve been burned more than once.

 You pick up a Y chromosome while you were there? You might be short one.

 Uh, if it’s yoghurt that helps ladies poop, I think Raj beat you to it.

 No. Bernadette’s going to be playing with us. So, that’s pretty cool, huh? Right? Sure it is, yeah.

 What, you invited your girlfriend? This is supposed to be our weekend.

 Ooh, look at this pretty purple robe I just got. You should put on yours and then we’ll match.

 Sorry, I just thought it’d be nice if people knew we were a couple.

 That’s why you’re lucky to have me. Back in Omaha, there are two different restaurants I’m not allowed into. Both Chili’s.

 I’m gonna publicly shame you, and then sit back as societal pressure compels you to modify your behaviour.

 Howard Joel Wolowitz! I’ve been worried sick for two days, and I know you turned off your phone! You open up this door right now because I’ve had it up to here! I have been to the morgue and the hospital, and I spent the last half hour walking up these ferkakta stairs!

 Hey, Raj, you didn’t send your RSVP in. I’m supposed to ask you if you’re bringing someone to the wedding.

 You’re welcome. Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about you. Leonard, I got you a label maker.

 Please have a seat. (To Bernadette) I’m thinking double wedding!

 Thankyou. And once again, my baloney likes girls. Wait-wait. You don’t want to put a bit of that in your mouth without trying my homemade chantilly cream. Yeah, okay, that time I heard it.

 Leonard, I bought you this because I wanted you to have fun with it. I don’t want it to just sit in this box.

 You know, you’re right. I mean, it’s from you, I’m never going to sell it. I’m opening it.

 You know, I paid a lot for this. Let’s take it over there and show him.

 I was actually thinking about bringing him along when I go over there so he can meet the great man.

 Raj, you’re our group historian. Has Sheldon ever begged before?

 Yeah, I know, I’m just trying to figure out how much I want to punish him.

 Here is a black light to check them. And for your own peace of mind, you might not want to shine that around the rest of the room.

 Bernadette, I want to remind you, you promised to take me dress shopping tomorrow!

 Oh, damn. I’m sorry, I can’t make it, but Sheldon’s going to go with you! And that’s the last thing you do to him.

 Oh, if we squeeze you any tighter, you may turn into a diamond.

 It’s nicer than anything he’s ever said to me. I’d take it and run.

 Give it a second. (Sound of Sheldon shrieking in joy in his bedroom)

 Professor Hawking, it’s an honour and a privilege to meet you, sir.

 I wish you could all be inside my head. The conversation is sparkling. (Pause) Fine, I’ll tell you. A lichen is an organism made up of two separate species, fungi and algae. If you could merge with another species, what species would you pick and why? Hint, there is a right answer. None of you will get it.

 Kangaroo, uh, I’d be a Kanga-Jew. The first of my people to dunk a basketball.

 Sounds like loads of fun, but I promised Bernadette no strippers.

 You don’t want strippers? You’re the king of strippers. The one club in North Hollywood named a pole after you.

 You know, there’s nothing wrong helping some woman’s kid get through their S.A.T.’s.

 Whoa, it’s a little early to start dropping J-bombs, don’t you think?

 May I have your attention, please? We are hear tonight to celebrate the upcoming nuptials of my best friend Howard Wolowitz.

 Okay, uh, anybody else? Huh? No? Okay, it all comes down to me, the best man. Ooh! This grasshopper is kicking my ass-hopper. Okay, when I first came to this country, I-I didn’t know how to behave or how to dress, or what was cool, I was pretty lonely. But then I met Howard, and suddenly, my life changed, because we could be lonely together. This man became my whole world.

 I’m not done, but thank you. (Raj puts the dollar on the table. Stuart steals it.) I think back to all the good times we had, like, uh, when we went camping and spent that night telling each other all our secrets. I told him I’m addicted to pedicures and he told me he lost his virginity to his cousin.

 The only threesome I’ve ever had in my life, and I’m proud to say it was with this man right here.

 Oh, oh, don’t get me wrong, nothing happened with me and Howard. There was about 200 pounds of Sailor Moon between us.

 No, uh, that, that’s it. I don’t know much about women. Raj, you got anything?

 Let me explain the difference between you and me. You watch Star Trek. I live it.

 Oh, please. I don’t remember the episode of Star Trek where the guy never goes to space and brags about it in a tuxedo store.

 I played that pretty well. (Enters apartment. Amy, dressed as a Vulcan starfleet officer, is examining Sheldon.)

 Yeah, I’m a funny guy. I also have a hysterical bit planned for later where I pretend to cry through the whole launch.

 I mean, we know it’s short notice, but we’d love you all to come with us.

 No, no, no, this is not the wedding I wanted! I want to wear my maid of honour dress and walk down the aisle with a hundred eyes on me, while a string quartet plays The Way You Look Tonight.

 From that happy young couple over there with all the tattoos. Beautiful story, they’re in rival drug gangs, and they’re getting married. Shh, no one can know.

 Oh, my gosh. I can’t believe my maid of honour dress is going to be on Google Earth.

 So, we have the where and the when, but we still need to figure out who’s going to do the ceremony.

 Well, that’s easy. Anyone can go online and get ordained as a minister. I know a piercing parlour where, for a hundred bucks they’ll marry you and stick a wedding ring through any body part you want.

 Fantastic Four, annual number three from 1965, in mint condition. The one where Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Girl get married.

 Okay, I’ll, I’ll go. Howard and Bernadette, I know you two planned on getting married in a big fancy wedding, but when you’re in love, it doesn’t matter where or how these things happen. It just matters that you have each other.

 Well, I’m ending it. Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honour. I also want you to know, that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out.

 Hey, from now on, she’s the only women who can yell at me! Until I met you, I couldn’t imagine spending my life with just one person. And now I can’t imagine spending one day of it without you.

 I can’t believe it. This whole time, a small part of me thought he was lying.

 Oh, boo-hoo. If Sheldon proposed to me during sex, my ovaries would grab on to him and never let go.

 Then I believe that God created the world in six days, and on the seventh he made you to annoy me.

 Hey, uh, if you guys are free tonight, I heard about a spa where you soak your feet n a pool full of little fish that eat all the dead skin right off them. I don’t need to tell you in Los Angeles, sandal season is year round.

 Listen, mister, you’re gonna talk to your mother and you’re gonna fix this, or that thing I said I was gonna do to you the minute you got home, you can do to yourself.

 It’s your anniversary? Oh, my God, I had no idea. Amy, please, let me make this right. 

 You want to see a meteor shower? Take a look at what Dimitri just left you in the toilet.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Penny wakes up and screams. Sheldon also screams)

 What the hell is wrong with you? You told Sheldon? Do you know what a terrible position this puts me in? (Phone beeps)

 You can’t just replace someone you care about with some other random person.

 Oh, boy, a whole dollar. Now, I can quit my paper route. So, what’s in it?

 I didn’t know they gave Nobel prizes for making boom-boom in the potty.

 All right, Ms. Jenson. Uh, before we begin, may I offer you a refreshment? Water, coffee, tea, a marijuana cigarette?

 Uh, yeah, last night. He kept making me drop pencils for him. I got uncomfortable. (Entering Sheldon’s office)  Hey, Sheldon, hope you’re hungry, they’re serving macaroni and… (spots Ms Jenson)  che-ee-ee-ese.

 Ah, congratulations and may God have mercy on your soul. I’m Leonard. This is Raj.

 Really? Because just before you became my best friend, I did this all over your apartment.

 Isn’t that enough? It had the weaponised fruit and a puppet. What more do you want?

 Oh, good, Leonard, you’re here. Science news. This will interest you. And, Penny, feel free to paint your nails.

 Great. Just keep in mind astronauts lose a lot of muscle tone in space, so you might have to do most of the heavy lifting.

 You know, I am very disappointed that I won’t be able to celebrate Howard’s accomplishment tonight.

 Batman. Batman and Robin. Uh, Wonder Twins plus the monkey. Wonder Twins plus the monkey and Batman.

 Oh, uh, uh, uh, sausage. Uh, uh, uh, uh, bratwurst? Oh, oh, a hot dog.

 A solar system. Uh, uh, uh, uh, um, unidentified flying liverwurst? I don’t…

 That was amazing. You made me feel things I never… (starts snoring again)

 Well, that was quick, and a little gross. Now, I know how she feels.

 Why don’t we do something athletic like go over to the university pool and play water polo?

 Okay. Just for the record, I have never entered a wet T-shirt contest. I’ve won a few, but that’s just because I spill when I’m drunk, so…

 Because he’s hard to find. If he was easy to find, the books would be called There’s Waldo.

 Ready, set, wrestle. (Penny pins Sheldon straight away) One, two, three, pin.

 All right, standard state fair pie-eating contest rules are, no hands, first one to clean the pan wins.

 But you know what wasn’t a party? That hotel in Kazakhstan they put you up in before the launch. I mean, it’s your last night on Earth. You’d think you’d get one porn channel.

 Ooh, Hallow-weenies! That’s a good one. They’ll pair nicely with my Draculoni and Cheese. How do I do it?

 That reminds me, I was thinking about wearing my NASA jumpsuit as a costume. But then I realized everyone would be, like, where’s your costume? Why are you wearing your work clothes, you nut?

 But what I really am is a very smart scientist who understands the mechanics of the universe and is wearing the sexy black underwear you bought him.

 Oh, Howard, I’ve got a party to plan. Don’t make me pull it out of you.

 What if we were to go as dinner table favourites salt and pepper?

 Oh, yes, thank you. I like to think of fun things like that because I’m fun. I’m not clinically depressed at all.

 Yeah, I wish we looked as cool dancing in clubs as we do right now.

 Don’t worry, this is exactly how you look when you’re dancing in clubs.

 Yes. I play the word quiver with a triple letter and a double word score for 72 points. That ought to let the air out of your tyres, Hawking.

 This is what you sound like. I think I’m talking in an American accent, but it really sounds like I’m wearing a set of giant dentures.

 Please be good. Please be good. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay. She writes like she cooks.

 Yeah, well, next time don’t. Oh, and since you like stories so much, this is not The Shoemaker

 Sorry, Sheldon, you were brilliant as always. Wil, that was a little wooden.

 It’s called Fun with Flags. They’re not at half-mast, nobody died. Let’s try and keep it upbeat.

 Great. So, this time let’s try more real boy, less Pinocchio. And action.

 Well, this is an exciting one. This is the flag of the United Federation of Planets.

 Listen, Sheldon, I’m really happy to do this for you, but not if she’s gonna be a huge pain in the ass the whole time.

 That was just for her benefit. I’ll move tomorrow. I love you. Don’t leave me.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Angry Amy.

 We’re not standing outside by the U-Haul while you fondle yourself.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! Wait, how many was that?

 If it makes you uncomfortable, I’ll switch partners, even though the thing’s due next week and everyone already has a partner and I’ll probably end up failing the class.

 Howard, please, you can’t treat the man differently just because he’s disabled. That’s not okay.

 This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Experimental log. Wormhole generator test forty-four.

 I found your webcam and replaced the video feed. You two should be ashamed of yourselves.

 No, you’re displaying a shocking ignorance of the subject matter. Mummies and zombies are the exact same thing.

 President Siebert, listen to reason. Yeah, I understand I don’t use the parking spot, but that’s not the point. I… Yes, I’m aware you told me not to call you at home, but you didn’t answer the door. And I know you were there, because I saw you through the mail slot. Yeah, well, that’s some salty language. May I remind you that you’re the president of a major university, not the president of the Potty Mouth Club. There it is again. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? Oh, well, I’m sorry for your loss. Good night, sir. Unbelievable. He says Wolowitz deserves my spot because he’s a high-profile asset to the university.

 I don’t have to take this. I’m gonna go home and have sex with my husband right now. Maybe I’ll let him do it to me in the parking spot. Which sounds dirty, but I didn’t mean it that way,

 Okay, here’s another one: If a zombie bites a vampire, and the vampire bites a human, does the human become a vampire or a zombie? Or a zompire?

 Morning, Professor Stevens. Don’t look at that whiteboard. That’s my math, not your math. Keep walking, nosey.

 All right. Sheldon, when this whole thing with the parking space started, I had no idea just how much of a crazy bastard…

 Me, too. In some weird way, I kind of feel like it brought us closer.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Oh, right, funeral. (Knock, knock, knock) (solemnly) Amy.

 102.2. Exactly what it was half an hour ago. It’s like you’re not even trying to get better.

 And the control group displayed significantly fewer genetic abnormalities. But, because of flaws in the experimental design relating to environment and diet, they lived inconclusively ever after. The end.

 Oh, look, it’s a female. You can see all the eggs. (All the guys gag)

 Oh, you poor thing. Is having a real-life girlfriend who has sex with you getting in the way of your board games?

 So, listen, I know we talked about getting a bite to eat in Silver Lake, and then seeing the Christmas lights in Griffith Park, but Leonard’s talking about a big D and D game at his place.

 Okay, here we go. You find yourselves in the smoking remains of Santa’s village. Clearly, a great battle has taken place.

 Oh, man, the first monster I see, I’m gonna sneak up behind him, whip out my wand, and shoot my magic all over his ass.

 Okay, guys, let’s make a plan, spell casters in the back, warriors in the front.

 No, screw that noise, I’m going in. Hang on, Santa, I’m coming for you.

 Okay, you run into a room full of weapons, hit a trip wire, a cannon blows your face off, you die, you’re out of the game.

 Wait, doesn’t anyone have a rod of resurrection? Because if you’ve got one, I need it bad. Get in here with your rod and give it to me.

 Okay, you need to say these things in your head before you say them out loud.

 Yeah, sorry. Uh, you come to the end of the tunnel and find a large chest. What do you do? And, Howard, do not say, I feel up the large chest.

 Excuse me, I’m a married man now. I wasn’t going to say anything so juvenile.

 Glowing letters appear on the chest that read, If squashed to death you wish not to be, sing of Svaty Vaclav and his victory.

 Never heard of it. Must be the one Christmas song not written by a Jewish guy.

 Nope. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. Or in this case, doesn’t, I mean, at all. What?

 Ye who now will bless the poor, shall yourselves find blessing. Ba-da-bum.

 I gotta tell you, this, this is the most holiday fun I’ve had since my therapist changed my anxiety medication and I stopped caring about the blood in my stool.

 Honestly, because I had enough crappy Christmases as a kid and I’m tired of you sucking the joy out of them now.

 Great. Let’s do it. (They pick up bells and play according to the numbers. The tune is Jingle Bells)

 You did it. The drawbridge is down. You cross the chasm and find yourself in a small dungeon room. And in the corner, chained to the wall, you see a bloodied and beaten Santa Claus. He says, ho, ho, help me.

 Yes, we found Santa. Christmas is saved. Don’t ever tell my mother I said that.

 Okay. So Wolowitz and Stuart are paralyzed, Santa’s dead, and I picked this over having sex with my girlfriend.

 Well, I must say, Leonard, when I first heard your idea for Giant Jenga, I was sceptical.

 Yeah, okay. Well, if you want to hear about the lecture, I can tell you all about it at work, or, you know, over dinner sometime.

 To my bones. I mean, I’m not gonna do anything about it. I love Penny. It’s just nice to have a young, attractive woman sniffing around the goods.

 Leonard stole my woman, and he knew full well I was only six to eight months away from making my move.

 I say you tell Alex your heart belongs to Penny, I provide her a shoulder to cry on, and then roughly half a year later I give it to her good.

 I want to thank you all for coming on such short notice. Uh, in the past, I’ve reached out to each of you individually, but I believe my present situation requires the collective wisdom of the group, which as you can see from your commemorative T-shirts I have dubbed Sheldon Cooper’s Council of Ladies.

 I’m sure you’ve got nothing to worry about. Leonard would never cheat on you.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Human Resources Department. (Knock, knock, knock) Human Resources Department. (Knock, knock, knock) Human Resources Department.

 It has been pointed out to me that some of the things I said to you could be construed as offensive, and I would like to offer you my sincerest apology.

 To my bedroom, so I can take everything off but those glasses. And maybe the boots.

 Damn, you’ve got more makeup than I do. You’ve got better makeup than I do. Yeah, I’m borrowing this.

 Continue on Interstate 210 for five miles. Here’s an interesting fact about interstates.

 Interstates are numbered as follows. Even-numbered routes run east and west, odd-numbered routes run north and south. Three-digit route numbers indicate bypasses or spurs.

 We’ve got our costumes in the trunk. We could go there and have a little photo shoot.

 Great idea. I haven’t had a carbohydrate in two weeks. These cheekbones need to be in front of a camera before I eat a pretzel and they’re gone.

 Now let’s do some sexy glamour shots. I’ll set the mood. (Rhythmically) Oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, Yeah, nice one, oontz, oontz. That’s right. Oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz…

 Wool pants in the desert. I feel like I’ve got poached testicles.

 Oh, you poor thing, you’re sweating. That’s so much worse than having your car stolen.

 Are you kidding me? After all we’ve been through, I just want to go home.

 Oh, this is neat. Think about all the action figures we’ve bought over the years. It would be kind of cool to have ones that look like us. Don’t you think?

 A hush falls over the crowd as Cooper studies the board. He makes his move. He’s dividing both sides by I. He’s adding back the coefficient. He has a value for P. He’s plugging that back in. He takes the derivative, and he solves the equation. The crowd goes wild. Nobel! Nobel!

 That is Sheldon’s “I’m unhappy and about to destroy the planet” music. Come on, let’s just go to your place.

 Shouldn’t we talk to him? Have you learned nothing in six years?

 Really, smart guy? Where’s he supposed to park his sweet little Corvette?

 Oh, okay, great. Now I can look like Val Kilmer as Batman instead of Val Kilmer as he looks today.

 Yes, but we’re married now. That means, when you get sick, I take care of you. And when you make a bunch of money, I get to buy stuff. Sorry if you don’t like it, but that’s how love works.

 No, here’s how love works. You’re gonna return the machine, or you can print out a working set of lady parts and sleep with those. Oh, my God! Are you actually thinking about it?

 That is what I write on the bathroom walls. For a whimsically inventive time, call Leonard Hofstadter.

 All right, come on, be serious. Look, you guys have been going out a long time. She would clearly like to have a physical relationship with you, so what are you doing?

 (Knock, knock, knock) Good buddy Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Good buddy Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Good buddy Leonard.

 Oh, get this, suddenly, Sheldon wants me back because Amy wants to move in with him.

 Well, too late, pal. I’m not going anywhere. Penny and I are very happy living together. Isn’t that right?

 Yes. That is a real thing. And it doesn’t mean you don’t care about each other, it just means things are moving at a pace you’re not comfortable with, and that’s fine.

 Well, if he doesn’t want to live with her, then he should tell her how he feels.

 I’m sorry, Sheldon. I can’t help you. Oh, spoiler alert, this door’s about to slam in your face.

 Yeah. Hey, Ames, nothing. I was all set to move in with Sheldon, and now I hear I can’t ’cause you don’t want to live with Leonard.

 Come on, Amy, let’s go drink wine and talk about what jerks our boyfriends are.

 You know, sometimes I think I’ve made you so much cooler than you used to be, and then you go and do that.

 That’s good. Or maybe something a little less hand in the pants.

 Ah, Alex, excellent. I have a research problem that I believe you can help with.

 Okay. Amy will be here shortly, expecting the perfect Valentine’s gift, so, you’re up kid. Dazzle me. Go.

 I go to the bathroom, too. Sometimes more frequently than I care to admit. Oh, I’ve had it checked out, it’s nothing. Hmm. This is going great. Mmm, can I have a refill on my chai tea? Yes, I have a good feeling about this. (Girl can be seen sneaking past window and leaving) I should have bought condoms.

 Hello, I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Welcome to Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. My apologies that this episode is coming late. I did shoot one last week, in honour of Black History Month, but I was informed by my roommate that my spot-on portrayal of George Washington Carver could be considered wildly racist. My heart goes out to the members of the African-American community, who, like me, have been kept down by The Man. Now, Fun with Flags is not just for the flag aficionado, it’s also for the flag novice, so, to help me with that, please welcome my friend, neighbour, and flag virgin, yeah, not a real virgin. She’s had coitus many times. Sometimes within earshot of this flag enthusiast. Once while he was trying to watch The Incredibles. Penny.

 We could go to Red Lobster and talk about it. We’re all thinking it. I just had the decency to wait for him to leave.

 I didn’t mean now. Hello? Yeah, yeah, you want a cigarette. Well, I’d like a normal boyfriend. Deal with it.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. Oh yeah, much better.

 You know, I haven’t seen Raj in several days. Is he no longer a part of our social group? And if so, should we be interviewing for a replacement? Perhaps, this time, we go Latin.

 Typical bureaucratic nonsense. You can get animals addicted to a harmful substance, you can dissect their brains, but you throw their own faeces back at them and suddenly you’re unprofessional.

 Well, is that all of it? (Pulls a Rubik’s cube from his pants.) Just set it down.

 I think you have a great capacity for devotion. You’ll be lonely when she passes on, won’t you? I understand what that is.

 Yeah, well, it’s in our contract to serve on a university committee. And frankly, this is one I believe in. Okay, here we go. Encouraging more women to pursue a career in the sciences.

 You mean where they were advanced enough to invent an interstellar warp drive, but a black lady still answered the space phone?

 Van Nuys pole-dancer D.D. Melons. All right, I think we’ve really helped women today. Let’s fire up the old Xbox.

 Maybe I could call my old middle school, see if we can talk to some of the female students.

 So many memories. I mean, how many times in these hallways was I tripped, punched and spit on? Oh, look, here’s my old locker. I have a masters in engineering and I still can’t figure out how Scott Kapinski got me and my briefcase to fit in there. (Kid bumps into him) Hey.

 Oh, we’re eating here? (Reading) We’re having a texting date? (By text) I love that.

 As you’re reading, it will help to remember I have an adorable accent.

 Ooh, fun. I love prom. The romance, the gowns, it’s like a fairy tale come to life. Sorry. Autocorrect. That was supposed to say, I like sports.

 I never wanted to play the cello. How do you meet girls playing the cello? Hey, you want to come over to my house and listen to me play an instrument that sounds like a suicidal bumblebee?

 I can explain. I played hooky with the girls, then we all went to Disneyland and got… What are you doing?

 His quirks just make you love him more. Someone please agree with me.

 I couldn’t be less interested. Now, come on, I’ll take you home.

 Well, put your mind at ease. I’m here to make sure your dinner party kicks Howard’s dinner party’s ass. Now, the first thing we need is a theme. I’m thinking, ah, turn-of-the-century Moulin Rouge.

 I’m thinking you need a testosterone patch. Penny and I just want to do something low-key. You know, cocktails, light jazz music, hors d’oeuvres.

 So your theme is I saw a rerun of Mad Men and bought some crab puffs from Trader Joe’s? Hate to miss that.

 Hey, uh, listen, everybody. Before Howard gets here, et’s all just agree to not bring up the letter from his father.

 Oh, honey, I am in no mood to have sex tonight. I’ll lay there if you absolutely have to have it, but… Oh. What are you guys doing here?

 When you left, you weren’t sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your dad’s letter, so we came up with kind of a cool solution.

 Okay, um, It was a card for your 18th birthday. Inside it said, Happy birthday, Howard. I love you. Dad. Oh, and it was a Far Side card, the one where the frog has its tongue stuck to the underside of an airplane. Thinks it’s a fly. Silly frog. So funny.

 You didn’t know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your high school graduation. And he cried because he was so proud of you.

 Hey, it’s still early. Why don’t we go back and have that party?

 I agree. That is, if you’ve never been to or heard of a party before.

 I was reading about this jellyfish that never dies. Instead, it reverts to its asexual state and then grows up again.

 We thought my 90-year-old grandfather had reverted to an asexual state, but the lawsuit from his Jamaican caregiver proved us all wrong.

 My point is, immortality is not only a possibility, it is real.

 If you need my nose, you’ll find it firmwy wodged up the qectum of the tenure committee.

 No. I mean, I’ll apply, but I’m not gonna stoop to playing politics.

 Wow, sounds a lot like being a pretty waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.

 While I disagree with the premise of tenure, if they gave it to me, it wouldn’t diminish my output. You know, I’m like the sun. Can’t turn this off.

 Born in New Delhi, the third son of an itinerant gynecologist, I showed early signs of genius. At the age of five I discovered a celestial object which later turned out to be the moon.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis?

 Yeah, you wouldn’t want to look like you guys are brown-nosing the tenure committee, who will all be there. Oh, yeah, that’s what I was hoping for, meerkats.

 I won’t be able to make our date night this Thursday, so, bad news for you.

 Well, well, well, Sheldon, fancy meeting you here. I guess the train store in Glendale wasn’t having a cotillion after all. And you, you said you weren’t coming here, either.

 You’re all wasting your time. Sheldon is the most qualified for the job, and no amount of gravity-defying bosom’s going to change that. Seriously, is that tape? Like, how are they staying up like that?

 You’re right. This is beneath me. Lie your mother was last night.

 Nonsense. Childwen wove me. Something about me just makes them waugh and waugh.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? I know you’re in there. I saw your car in the parking lot.

 Absolutely not. Help me out here, I can’t afford another demerit.

 Well, hang on. Maybe the Chinese haven’t finished watching it yet.

 Hello, SyFy Network? Yeah, this is your vice president of programming. Now, we have made a horrible mistake regarding Alphas. Yeah, we need to uncancel it immediately. Well, you just put me through to the people who handle that, you tell them it’s me, and I don’t want to answer a lot of questions about if I really am who I say I am, you know? I just. I want this done. No, I am not the person who just called. That man was clearly a cowboy. Yeah, who was plumb concerned about y’all cancelling his favourite show. Why do they keep hanging up on me?

 All right, cool. I think you’ll like the next one better. All the cheerleaders are suffering from an evil curse.

 Oh. Well, that’s like my high school, too. But instead of a curse, it was crabs.

 Yeah, well, I wouldn’t get too close. If I give the right command in German, she’ll rip your face off.

 Amy, I must say, I was sceptical at first, but this has truly been a transformative evening.

 Hello. Uh, is this the Bruce Miller who wrote the season finale of Alphas? Oh, smashing. Yeah, you already sound nicer than the last Bruce Miller who suggested I have sexual relations with myself. Now, down to business. Um, your show ended on a cliffhanger. Could you please tell me how you planned to resolve it? Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. I see. Well, that all stinks. No wonder you got cancelled. Bye.

 To be honest, she’d do better in the kennel. I’ll talk to Bernie. I’m sure it’s fine.

 Mr. Jeffries, I am so sorry. We should’ve told you about the broken elevator.

 We just wanted to hang out with you and maybe learn a little about your life.

 Well, there, there really isn’t too much to tell. After the TV show was, was cancelled, nobody in the scientific world would, uh, would take me seriously. So I was forced to do these, uh, children’s parties to, to make a living.

 That’s too bad. But still, working with kids, it must be rewarding.

 Okay, as, as I put the egg on top, and, and the flame goes out and, and, and the air pressure decreases in, in the flask, what do you think will happen?

 Shut up. You can do that? I mean, wouldn’t that solve the world’s energy crisis?

 But if you don’t mind me asking, uh, the potato clock, how does it work? Is it a trick clock or a trick potato?

 Hello? What do you mean, you found my dog? She’s with my friends. Is she okay? Oh, thank you. Uh, just text me your address, I’m on my way. Oh, and if she’s hungry, go ahead and feed her. But do not give her anything starchy. She’s having risotto for dinner.

 I’m actually glad Lucy had to work tonight. Saved me the awkward conversation about how I was gonna be hanging with my bros.

 Painfully so. We have this rule on the phone that if no one talks for three minutes, you can just hang up. So into her.

 Okay, here we go. You find yourselves in an overgrown old forest. Before you is a giant oak tree with a face on it that looks a lot like Nicolas Cage. He says, (Nicolas Cage voice) Travel with caution. These woods are home to the bones of many a fallen hero.

 Hey, come on, guys, focus. Um, uh, oh, mighty Nicolas Cage tree, we thank you for your warning, but we are brave warriors, and nothing short of death will keep us from our goal. (Text sound) Oh, Lucy’s free after all. See ya.

 You’re right, I should finish the game. I take my plus-one long sword, stab myself in the face with it. I’m dead, I’ve got a date with a girl. Bye.

 I push my shoulder against the secret door to see if it gives way.

 Long story short, she’s on the No Fly List and we might have been followed here by a drone.

 Oh, it’s not so bad. You lost money, you’re filled with shame and you got groped by a stranger. I mean, that’s Vegas, you nailed it.

 A satanic fungus that looks suspiciously like Al Pacino rises from the forest floor and says, (Al Pacino voice) You’re playing D&D. You’re playing D&D. This whole apartment is playing D&D.

 Oh, this isn’t alcohol. It’s a magic potion that makes me like you.

 Yeah, well I’m supposed to be in Vegas throwing up on a shrimp buffet. Now give it. All right, what do I need?

 Well, uh, for one thing, you have bigger emotional problems than I do, and I find that very attractive in a woman. I, I don’t know. I just, I think you’re wonderful.

 All right, Amy, it’s your turn. We need one more hit. Finish him off.

 This may be the potion talking, but you are one fine-ass dungeon master.

 The love spell takes effect. When Sheldon looks at Amy, she is the most beautiful half-orc he’s ever seen, and he’s overcome with a desire to rip her armour off and gaze fondly at her four hairy breasts. When Amy sees Sheldon, he looks, well, just like Sheldon, ’cause apparently she’s into that. What do you do?

 It was until I realized the screen had frozen. Still one of my top three dates of all time.

 No, in a couple of weeks, Stephen Hawking’s team is sending an expedition to the North Sea to test hydrodynamic simulations of black holes. One of their experimental physicists dropped out, and I recommended you.

 Yeah, I’ve worked with Hawking. I talked you up. He knows your research. I think this could happen.

 Are you kidding me? How often can you say bon voyage to somebody when they’re actually going on a voyage?

 Hello, Amy. Nice to see you. What can I say? It’s funnier with the accent.

 And now he can talk. I want to cut open your brain and see what the heck’s going on in there.

 We might as well go ahead and eat. She’s not coming back anytime soon.

 This is ridiculous, we’re shopping for a party and this store doesn’t even have a party section.

 You’re right, you’re right. I’m really proud of you, and I’m gonna miss you when you’re gone. And space beats water.

 Raj, I can’t come to the party. This is all just too much for me. I don’t think we should see each other any more. Sorry. Lucy.

 And, uh, extra Dramamine? You remember what happened on It’s a Small World.

 Calm down. I’m getting out. I have something I want to give you.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. 

 Look, Bernie’s at a neuroscience conference with Amy, I’ll go with you.

 Good night. No, I will not consider sleeping in my garment bag.

 Uh, okay, well, we were just calling you because we were missing you.

 No, it’s a drinking game. Whenever we see an iceberg, we take a shot!

 Oh, yes, I, I too am in the throes of heartbreak. Okay, fine, I’ll tell you about it.

 Here is a hot beverage to comfort you. It’s in a to-go cup. Make of that what you will.

 Penny, it’s your lucky day. Three of the eggs are clearly not jumbo. Grab your keys.

 Uh, Stuart, I was wondering if you could help me find something.

 I’m sorry, I’ve been kind of snippy lately. It’s probably this stupid diet I’m on.

 I’ve put on a couple pounds. Had to buy these pants in the men’s section.

 It’s okay. You still look great to me. In fact, why don’t we go in the bedroom and I’ll prove it to you?

 Thank you. I really needed to hear that today. (Bernadette rolls eyes and walks out) Ooh, brie’s ready.

 Well, he’s mad at you, too. He says you’re the succubus who led his friend astray.

 So now we’re just waiting for the data from the ship to be crunched, but the numbers look pretty promising.

 I said, stop it. Now, listen to me. You two aren’t just friends. You’re best friends. And that’s a beautiful thing. I mean, Leonard, you know why he’s so mad at you? It’s ’cause he missed you. Yeah, and as his friend, you should be happy he has love in his life. As I do. This man held my breast the other day and I love him for it.

 So, can we please put aside these petty differences and just be glad we’re here together?

 I thought the measures were going to be the stars of the show, turns out it was the weights.

 Don’t worry, I can take a hint. No more murder mystery parties.

 Just hear me out. I’m going to make you guys a scavenger hunt like they have at M.I.T.

 Yes, to be fair, do people who went to Princeton get a head start?

 Mm-hmm, yeah, you don’t think I’m smart enough. You think I’m gonna be a liability. Even though I totally just used the word liability correctly in a sentence. Yeah.

 Faster, faster, faster! Do you not know that word? It means more fast!

 Hey, Penny, I just wanted to say good luck, and I hope there’s no hard feelings.

 Yeah, well, you should have quit ’cause I’m still gonna beat your ass.

 Stuart and I are putting dating profiles online, and it’s one of the questions. And thank you, I’d kill for that woman’s bone structure.

 What? Another one. You know, it, it’s weird. When they’re reading your profile, does it, does it make you feel exposed? Like they see you naked?

 Awkward silence, Sheldon on his phone, no touching. Somebody’s having date night.

 I know. What started as a pap smear turned into a date. Which turned into her working there, which turned into marriage, which then turned into hatred, which continues to this day. Two-Eyed Cyclops.

 I’m just saying, I’d never want to work with Bernadette. Can you imagine seeing someone all day long and then you’re supposed to hang out with them after work, too?

 Hold on. We do that all the time. You and I work together and play together.

 You know, not a lot of people know this, but the monoamine oxidase enzyme was discovered by a woman, Mary Bernheim. That’s right, my phone is just as smart as you guys.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Amy, Bernadette, Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy, Bernadette, Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy, Bernadette, Penny.

 That’s different. I’m not going to the mall with someone dressed like a dumb space bear.

 Oh, well, come on, where am I supposed to look when I lie to you?

 It wasn’t a pyjama party. It was just a couple of bros hanging out, giggling, eating cookie dough and watching Princess Bride.

 Oh, uh, on the off chance that Bernadette doesn’t call back and apologize, how do you feel about Mexican food for dinner tonight?

 In the pharmaceutical business we have a saying, mo’ infections, mo’ money.

 Okay, just you wait and see. I’m gonna romance your freakin’ ass off.

 Let’s see, what’s next? Okay, here. This is the Magic Marker I was using when I made the discovery.

 It will be. I don’t call anyone a ho, and the only time I use the phrase my bitch, I’m referring to you.

 Yeah. It must be nice to have someone do something so romantic.

 Okay, you know what’s not romantic? Rubbing it in someone’s face.

 Hey, I get that you feel bad about all the attention, but still, what you did is amazing. We’re really proud of you.

 Well, tonight is the anniversary of our first date, and I wanted to celebrate it by writing a song for you.

 Ever since I met you, you turned my world around. You’re my best friend and my lover. We’re like changing electric and magnetic fields. You can’t have one without the other. I couldn’t have imagined how good my life would get from the moment that I met you, Bernadette.

 Oh, we couldn’t have imagined how good our lives would get from the moment that we met you, Bernadette.

 Oh, oh, right, I remember your, your girlfriend. Is, is she, is she here?

 Excuse me. I happen to be very comfortable with my masculinity.

 You don’t want to read a paper by some old has-been who hasn’t done any real science in decades.

 And to think I idolized that man. And why? At the end of the day he’s just another Hollywood phony.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Arthur. (Knock, knock, knock) Arthur. (Knock, knock, knock) Arthur. Door knocker. That’s TV money.

 If someone had told me that people would still call me Professor Proton when I was 83 years old, I never would have quit smoking.

 Wow, Arthur Jeffries. It’s an honour to meet you. My show never would have happened without yours.

 Mr. Nye, hello. I’m sorry he got you involved in this nonsense.

 And that’s not even the best part. See? I have one, too. Check it out. You can wear yours and we can have little sword fights whenever we want.

 You’ve had this dart board since I’ve known you, but I’ve never seen you play.

 Oh. I forgot about this. My aunt made it for me when I started college.

 Well, Sheldon, it took me all morning, but I found the owner of the video store. And I am happy to report that he died peacefully in his sleep, drunk at the bottom of a pool. Anyway, there is no one to return the DVD to, so this issue is resolved. Ah! And I’d just like to point out that even though the sweater was uncomfortable, I didn’t use it as an excuse to antagonize everyone around me.

 You know, you could reimburse the video store owner’s next of kin.

 How is it I can conceptualize a methodology of examining dark matter in the universe but can’t figure out how to fix a novelty squirt flower?

 Well, a goof or not, you’re actually married. You need to get this taken care of.

 I’m hoping you can get an annulment. It’s just like it never happened.

 You know, my mom’s been to Arizona. She rode one of those mules down in the Grand Canyon. Long story short, they had to shoot it. ‘Cause she’s so fat. I’ll get the door while you finish laughing. Hey, guys.

 Look, I get it, I screwed up. Is this all we’re gonna talk about the rest of the day?

 Why are you mad at me? You’re the one that did the stupid thing. I’m just trying to fix it.

 I’ve kept my marriage together for 35 years. Can I weigh in here?

 Two, three, eight, four, six. (Normal) That’s all I can do without throwing up.

 That is not what I expected when you said you were gonna burp pie.

 Well, I couldn’t have done it without my two favourite girls. Martha Stewart and Rachael Ray.

 Don’t be. It’s my fault. I was a terrible husband. I was never around.

 I know I’m hard on you, but you’re not the worst son-in-law in the world.

 Here comes the Embarrassment Express. With stops at Fraudville, Wonder Blunderberg, and Kansas City. Because it’s a hub.

 Sheldon, you said you were unhappy getting attention for something you wished you never did.

 Sheldon, the point is Wil learned to embrace that part of his life and moved on to bigger and better things.

 Yeah, I’m an author now, I do public speaking, and I have my own Web series about board games.

 There’s also a time to stop eating too many jelly beans. And it’s when you’re ten.

 Hello, President Siebert. Thank you for taking my call. I just wanted you to know that you can now expect enthusiastic participation from me regarding my discovery. Oh, no, no, no, no. No need to thank mNo, thank my friend, Wil Wheaton. For your information, I have nine friends, hmm? Ten if we include you. Nine it is. Ah, it’s ten. I’ll count Wolowitz. Hello, friend Leonard.

 I’m sowwy, Cooper. I wetwact it. By the way, Hofstadter, nice job dispwoving the Chinese team.

 It’s a huge deal. Cooper, maybe physics just isn’t your thing. Have you ever considered a caweer in wetail? That way you could take things back for a wiving.

 I can’t believe they’re still married. Oh, no, I forgot Cinnamon’s toothbrush at Howard’s. I guess you’re sharing with Daddy again. 

 I’m Ira Flatow, and this is Science Friday. I’d like to welcome back Dr. Sheldon Cooper, who thought he had discovered a new super-heavy element only to have it disproved by my next guest, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. Welcome to Science< Friday, gentlemen.

 No. Now, Dr. Hofstadter. Can you walk us through the process you used to disprove his theory?

 Actually, I didn’t invite you. You came in, you took a seat, and I’m not comfortable with confrontation.

 You know, if we did a shot every time they said something embarrassing, this would be one hell of a drinking game.

 Well, I have an extremely low centre of gravity. I’m like a pyramid.

 Oh, I hope it’s just a sprain. I cannot walk into that E.R. with another video game injury.

 You know, I was thinking. Without Sheldon, most of us would have never met, but Penny would still live across from him. 

 And with Leonard out of the picture, we all know what that would mean.

 Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, there’s tears in the frosting, happy birthday to me. (Stuart honks a party hooter at her.)

 So I read a study that says a man with a dog is three times more likely to get a woman’s phone number.

 Is it true even when the man lets his dog lick peanut butter off his tongue?

 This is interesting. Apparently, a key component in some forms of humour is the element of surprise. 

 Look, you know I love you but, but you’re, you’re drunk and sad and feeling lost.

 Fine. I’m not sure you should have quit. But if you care so much what I think, why didn’t you ask me before you did it?

 Oh, so now I need your permission? Would you have asked me before you quit your job?

 Yes. I thought we were in the kind of relationship where we make decisions together. If I’m wrong, then maybe we need to talk about the kind of relationship we’re actually in.

 Listen, I could never do what you’re doing, okay? I would be terrified.

 My point is, just because I couldn’t do it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. And I’m proud of you. 

 The same way I know that the people in the TV set can’t see me.

 Yes, I’m starting my own comic book convention, and I thought that your client, Robert Downey Jr., would be perfect to appear on our first panel. Oh, well, now, why are you saying no? You haven’t even asked him yet. You know, excuse me, but I sat through Iron Man 2. I believe he owes me two hours of his time. They hung up on me.

 Mmm, what if we go as The Fantastic Four, and just tell people that the Invisible Girl is standing there with us.

 And that’s where Darth Vader’s gonna pour soy sauce on your head.

 Is it true, as a child, you were a stutterer and were functionally mute for eight years?

 Are you sure you guys don’t want to come with us to Napa? You could probably still get a room.

 Plus, I’m not sure it’s a great idea to take Penny to where wine comes from. What? It’s a joke. Oh, come on. We bust on each other. I wear dorky glasses, you might have a problem, it’s all for laughs.

 Thank you. Oh, and I’d like for at least one of us to see some action, so if you guys happen to have sex, it’s cool if she stays in the room.

 Okay. Okay, thank you. Oh, if she’s scared, you can sing to her. She likes Katy Perry. Oh, but don’t do Firework, that gets her all riled up.

 A world I don’t want to live in. Seriously, I no longer want to live in this world.

 There you go. All cozy wozy. Here, let’s see what the doctor says to keep an eye out for. Hmm. Rajesh, I was dreading Valentine’s Day. Thank you for spending it with me. Yvette. Cinnamon, she-she gave me her phone number. If I’d known it was that easy, I would have considered poisoning you months ago. Oh, what should I say? Oh, I know. I’ll point out her name’s Yvette, and that she’s a vet. That’s hysterical. She’ll love it.

 Really? ‘Cause I kind of remember a lot of complaining and wishing for it to be over.

 I think you have me confused with what’s gonna happen when you get out of that shower.

 Oh. This is the thing about me standing up to him and not letting him run my life?

 Of course she told me, it’s the most interesting thing that’s ever happened to her in her entire life.

 Or you’re the frog who’s been kissed by a princess and turned into a prince.

 Yeah, mm-hmm. Amy, it’s Penny. Hey. Just a little heads-up. Leonard bought a dining room table. Yeah. Sheldon’s breaking up with you.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? I’ll get right to the point. I think we need to end this relationship, so just sign this with your finger, and, uh, please don’t cry on my iPad, I didn’t get AppleCare.

 Went to space? I don’t think so. Now, pass the soy sauce. Hey, not the green one, the red one.

 Screw that! I sat on the floor for seven years. I’m staying right here.

 Hey, that’s my wife. If anyone’s gonna make her feel gross about sex, it’s me.

 Well, I’ll have you guys know I turned down a part in a movie last week.

 Because it was crap. It’s a sequel to that awful killer gorilla movie I was in.

 Okay, I don’t think Meryl Streep ever had to say “Must keep gorilla hands from killing again!”

 I don’t know anything about show business, so if you think it’s reasonable to turn down paid work and just burn through your savings, I’m sure you know what you’re doing.

 Can I ask you something? Why do you constantly feel the need to put down my husband?

 Oh, I’m sure he does it out of love. The same way my boyfriend makes me feel terrible about my life choices.

 Just tell her what I’m really like. And, if you think it’ll help, that you saw me changing once and my package reminded you of the muscular tail of a jaguar. Use your own words.

 I’m so sorry. I know it’s a sensitive subject, but can you reconsider that part in the movie?

 I did. I called them. The part’s gone. They gave it to someone else. Now that girl’s gonna get discovered and become famous and go on Letterman and talk about how she got her big break on a cheap monkey movie all because some dumb girl thought it was beneath her.

 At least they talked about you on Letterman. Come on, I can drive you wherever you need to go.

 I said to stop insulting each other. I didn’t tell you to take him on a romantic getaway.

 (Tap, tap, tap) Howard? (Tap, tap, tap) Howard? (Tap, tap, tap) Howard?

 The captain has turned off the fasten seat belt sign. You’re now free to move about the cabin.

 Oh, does the gazelle know that according to Harlan Ellison, it was not ripped off from Demon With a Glass Hand, but was ripped off from another Outer Limits script he wrote called The Soldier?

 I killed it. I was even able to cry real tears right on the spot.

 Ah, really? Thank you. Fate has given me a rare second chance, and I swear to Vishnu I’m not gonna blow it. Or normal words followed by a charming smile.

 So, first there was PlayStation, aka PS1, then PS2, PS3 and now PS4. And that makes sense. You’d think after Xbox, there’d be Xbox 2. But no, next came Xbox 360. Hmm? And now, after 360, comes Xbox One. Why one? Maybe that’s how many seconds of thought they put into naming it.

 It is. But once a year, on the seventh day of the seventh month, Vega cries so hard that all the magpies in the world fly up and create a bridge with their wings so the two lovers can be together for a single night of passion.

 I know. Being an astrophysicist right now is like being a rock star.

 Can you keep him quiet? Maybe jangle some keys in front of him?

 Hawkman. It’s your old buddy Sheldonoscopy. How come you didn’t pick up the phone? Oh, right. My bad.

 Hey, Cooper. I heard you dwunk-dialed Stephen Hawking last night? Classic.

 But I realize they’re gluing fur everywhere except my cleavage. So, I asked the director why and he says, it’s important to the story that my boobs be the last things to turn ape.

 Raj and Howard are at Howard’s mom’s, but should we call the girls and see if they want to come?

 So, we’re just randomly choosing a restaurant without researching it online?

 All right, let’s get this over with. Ew, it’s got someone’s hair on it.

 Thankfully Penny and I have a relationship based on honesty. What? I don’t lie to her.

 I gotta go. Penny ratted me out. FYI, she’s getting you a watch for your birthday with money she took out of your wallet.

 I don’t mean to be rude or discourteous, but before we begin, I’d just like to say there is absolutely no scientific evidence to support clairvoyance of any kind. Which means, and again, no insult intended, that you’re a fraud, your profession is a swindle, and, uh, your livelihood is dependent on the gullibility of stupid people. Again, no offence.

 Yes, you clearly are. But I’m seeing a specific woman that you’re in a romantic relationship with.

 He should give himself to this relationship. Once he does, all his other pursuits will come into focus.

 Sheldon, do you hear that? I mean, Amy is the key to your happiness.

 This, uh, this is something interesting boys and girls. After an owl eats, he spits up part of his meal that he can’t digest, in the form of a pellet. Is, isn’t that a hoot? We’ll be right back after I fire my writers. (Owl hoots) Oh, shut up.

 You sure. Not even coffee? We have R2-Decaf. Maybe a nice Cafe Au Leia?

 And if you’re not in the mood for coffee I can always make you a Chai Tea-3PO.

 You know, I heard of this way of watching the movies called the Machete Order, where you watch Episodes IV and V, then skip Episode I, watch II and III as a flashback, and then finish with VI.

 Look at Arthur, cracking up at a joke I told him. I’ll never hear that laugh again.

 Well, then, what am I doing in a swamp dressed like Friar Tuck? Appreciate them, Sheldon. (Sheldon is woken up by a knocking on his bedroom door.)

 Oh, no, it is, but I decided instead of complaining about it, I’m just gonna go in every day and give it my all.

 Thanks. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t be the best bisexual go-go dancer slowly transforming into a killer gorilla anyone’s ever seen.

 Come on. How can you be sad when you’re going home with all five-foot-six of this?

 You know what? That may be it. By the way, it isn’t like riding a bike. Like, I fell off a few times.

 You know, if you’re really serious about that, I hear there are some exciting opportunities in home care for the old and fat.

 I just have to warn you, it’ll involve humiliation, degradation and verbal abuse.

 No, he looks like a grown man. You’ve seen Freaky Friday, sometimes little kids end up in big person bodies.

 Excuse me, Officer Hernandez? Any leads on the person who stole my belongings?

 At the hot dog stand in the Denver train station, Heinz ketchup. At the hot dog stand in the Salt Lake City train station, Heinz ketchup. At the hot dog stand in the Indianapolis train station?

 Hippos are the deadliest creature. A half-human, half-hippo soldier would be pretty badass.

 But imagine how impressed they’d be if you showed up already familiar with the material.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs. Davis. (Knock, knock, knock) Guess who?

 So, I’ve been trying to come up with a cute couple’s nickname for me and Emily. What do you like better? Emippali or Koothrapemily?

 Oh, well, her last name is Sweeney, and something just didn’t seem right about Koothrapeeney.

 I don’t know. The important thing is I am here for you so we can mutually disparage this unpleasing third party.

 You better watch that attitude, buddy. You’re dating the popular girl now.

 Oh. Great. I’m happy for you guys. You know, when the two of you aren’t getting along, it puts me in a really weird position.

 Okay, next question, for the Butterfinger. How long is a galactic yea

 The Angels wanted an astronaut to throw out the first pitch, so guess who they called?

 It’s hard to argue with that. And I know because I saw a sad man with a pepper mill desperately try and fail.

 Great. And while we’re at it, maybe we could butch up your run for when you head out to the mound.

 After a lively debate, that proposal passed by a two-zero margin.

 You realize this isn’t one of those times I want you to exaggerate how long something is.

 Marriage is scary. You’re scared, I’m scared. But it doesn’t make me not want to do it. It, it just makes me want to hold your hand and do it with you.

 I have a message for the young people here today. When I was asked to throw the first pitch, a little voice in my head said I couldn’t do it. So, I practiced and practiced, and you know what? That little voice was right, but then I remembered that I’m not an athlete. I’m a scientist. So, today’s first pitch will be delivered to home plate by science. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I present to you a working prototype of the Mars Rover. And here’s the wind-up, and the pitch.

 Okay, while we’re waiting for the ball to arrive, here’s some fun facts about Mars.

 My mom got him cable. In my whole life, growing up in that house, no cable. Do you know how many HBOs that leech had my mother get him? Seven. Seven HBOs. Seven.

 You know, Penny just started training to be a pharmaceutical sales rep. Maybe she can practice on you some time.

 Okay, him I believe because he’s an 80-year-old man in a 15-year-old’s tee shirt. But you’re just upset about Stuart and your mom and all their HBOs.

 Yes, I am. You know, I can’t even watch Game of Thrones now without thinking of mother saying, Stuart, which one is Thrones?

 Why? Because they won’t get off your lawn? Is Stuart trying to get a loan, or, or find investors?

 So, what are some ways we could set our comic book store apart from the competition?

 Oh, kids buy comic books. It would be great to figure out a way to get more kids in the store.

 You know, when I was a kid, I loved going there, but I could never get a ride.

 Well, I would never leave you off my list, and not just because, without you, we’re playing fast and loose with the word list.

 You know, the more I think about it, the more intrigued I am about having our own store.

 Uh, do you know how Penny told Raj he should have left her off his list?

 Hey, what difference does it make? You’re the one she wants to marry.

 We had that idea years ago. How come we never did anything with it?

 Well, ’cause you have a steady girlfriend now, and we assumed you’d have to stay home to lower the food down to her in the pit.

 Ooh, this is exciting. We’re innovating. I feel like we’re in the Facebook movie.

 Okay. No. Leonard’s right. We’re here to focus. Didn’t we used to have a list of all our ideas?

 Ah, here it is. Whoa. I haven’t looked at these in years. Robot girlfriend.

 Boy, when you met Bernadette, the field of robotics really took a hit.

 Okay, let’s just skip all the inventions you can have sex with. All right, no, here we go, ergonomic heated seat cushion.

 Hey, the future they show in Back to the Future II is only a year away. A lot of the things in that movie haven’t been invented yet.

 Well, it’s, it’s possible at absolute zero, but we would have to remove the temperature restrictions.

 Hold on. Pause. Something doesn’t make sense. Look, in 2015, Biff steals the sports almanac and takes the time machine back to 1955, to give it to his younger self. But as soon as he does that, he changes the future, so the 2015 he returns to would be a different 2015, not the 2015 that Marty and Doc were in.

 He’s right. Also, what kind of name is Biff? Sounds like when you pop open a can of Pillsbury dough. Biff.

 Do you know if you look at Austria on a map it actually looks like a wiener?

 No, no, it’s okay. I was born with it. If you put a double-A battery in there, it makes my leg kick.

 Plus, this is where our minds are conditioned to focus on work.

 So, I’ve been thinking about the hover boards, and maybe there’s a way we could use Maglev technology.

 Oh, I can’t argue with him. It’s right there on the screen. Austria does look like a wiener.

 Some psychologists perform operant conditioning with punishment. Maybe we can come up with a punishment for straying off topic.

 And I really can’t let that happen or the girl who does my eyebrows will think I’ve been cheating on her.

 Ooh, that is a lot of hair. Ow. And now I’m gonna hear it from Jenny.

 I’m studying the effect of negative reinforcement on ESP ability.

 Look. We keep procrastinating. We saw Back to the Future II, pigeons playing ping-pong, a bunch of countries that look like genitals and one guy whose genitals look like Denmark.

 You know, the government funded the biggest experiment yet to detect dark matter.

 Yeah, I’ve read about that, they’re sending research teams down into abandoned salt mines.

 You know, Sheldon, if we apply to be one of those teams, we could be on the ground floor of something big, not just for theoretical physics but for astrophysics as well.

 I think what Penny meant is, the thought of you two in a mine is kind of funny, it’s like a cat riding a Roomba.

If they get scared, they’ll have those hats with the lights on them, ’cause down there it’s night-night all the time.

 Maybe they could ride around in one of those mine carts that go ee-oo-ee-oo-ee-oo.

 Sure. In my mind, that broke the tension with comedy and led to sex.

 Huh. All this time I never knew there were steam tunnels down here.

 Most universities have them. When I was an undergrad, I spent three days in one pledging a sorority.

 It’s not an allowance. It’s a stipend, and we said we weren’t gonna call it an allowance in front of my friends.

 I usually don’t like lemon bars, but these, these are really good.

 By the time I was born, Voyager 1’s mission was supposed to be over. It had seen Jupiter and Saturn and all their moons, but it kept going. When I left India for America, I was never more scared in my life. I had no idea what lay ahead. Whenever I feel that way, I think about how Voyager is still out there somewhere beyond our solar system, going further than anyone ever thought it could. Don’t leave. You can do this.

 I was kind of excited about the article, but now you’re making me feel bad.

 No, I think you should do whatever you want. You know, maybe if fashion magazines had female scientists in them, I would’ve become a theoretical physicist. Stop smirking at each other.

 Oh, uh, she touched my arm for five Mississippis, and I bought a two thousand dollar iguana habitat. Which she was always too busy to come over and see. You give these to Penny. You’re a, you’re a lucky man.

 Um, I mean, you’re a guy like me, so how’d you get a girl like Penny?

 Hey, we’re going to Oliver’s house to see his collection. You want to go with us?

 Oh, yeah, I got that Evite. Ever since I saw Pretty in Pink, I’ve wanted to go to an American prom. But then I saw Carrie, and I did not want to go to an American prom. But then I saw Never Been Kissed, and I’m back on the prom bandwagon. This prom thing’s been a real roller coaster.

 Bernie’s really excited. I could tell because her voice got so high, the beagle next door started howling.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?

 Sheldon, doesn’t Amy look hot? That’s got to put some starch in the upper flermin.

 I would have asked you. In my head. On the way home. While I was having a good cry.

 Okay. Here we go, say cheese. Iskip) Say cheese. Iskip) Say cousin. Iskip) Say…

 Oh, sorry. Hang on, sorry. (On phone) Hey, Debbie. I, yeah, yeah, I’m here with Jeanie. Okay, but we’re just friends. It’s, yeah. I got to go.

 Yeah, I watched. It was like the scary boat tunnel in Willy Wonka.

 Well, they weren’t speaking at the time, so he had a servant say it to her. Oh, maybe I could make a gift for them. I know how much you guys love the coasters I made for you.

 He was so busy figuring out how many parts per million of urine we’d be floating around in, he didn’t even question it.

 I think, over time, they started to resent each other, and instead of talking about the things that bothered them, they kept it bottled up, and the hate just grew.

 It’s a shame they spent all that time unhappy. But sometimes, there’s muffin you can do about it. You get it, right?

 Okay, listen, when Leonard comes out, he is not gonna feel great, so, please don’t give him a hard time.

 Uh-huh. And I love that I work and do all the cleaning, and you’re okay with that.

 Who are you kidding? You were so panicked Leonard was gonna die, you’ll never leave him.

 Hello. I’m Doctor Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to Sheldon Cooper presents Fun with Flags, the final episode flagtacular. I knew it was coming. Still scary. Now, I’m sure you’re thinking, the final episode? Who will stand between us and flag ignorance?

 Oh. We were just talking about how much we love working with you. Isn’t that right? Dan?

 Over the years here at Fun With Flags, we’ve had an opportunity to learn, laugh, wonder.

 Well, my little flag-keteers, it looks like the last episode of Fun with Flags is at an end. If I could, I would run each and every one of you viewers up a flagpole and salute you. And if you touched the ground, burn you. I’d like to take a moment to personally thank Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler, who you may or may not know is the first woman to co-host a flag or banner-related Internet info-tainment show.

 (Knock, knock, knock) LeVar Burton? (Knock, knock, knock) LeVar Burton? (Knock, knock, knock) LeVar Burton?

 You know what? That was almost on topic. I’m gonna say good job, Sheldon.

 Anyway, Dad’s gonna be here in town, so I won’t be able to do Christmas dinner this year.

 If you’re not up to hosting Christmas dinner, I’m happy to do it. You can even bring your father.

 Well, he and his mother spent a lot of time together when he was young. I was always working.

 Hey, you know, Raj is dating a doctor who works a lot. Him and his mom have a type. You, you got to laugh at that, right? No? All right.

 If you people think this is better than Tom Hanks-giving, you’re all crazy.

 You walked out of the house in a fez and bow tie. I went so you didn’t get beat up.

 Now we get to see him flip out because he’s worried it was demolished by space ice.

 Because you always pick what we do and I just go along with it.

 What kind of scientist are you? Everyone knows you got to make two out of three.

 Let’s see, my armies are going to attack the Shire from Buckland. And I roll a five and a three.

 Oh, here’s another one. I wish that the apple pancake mix was on the top shelf because it starts with an A, but I don’t put it there because I don’t want you breaking one of your little legs when you’re supposed to be making my breakfast.

 Everything’s fine. We just started talking about living arrangements.

 Yeah, once I was too lazy to walk across the hall, so I used your toothbrush.

 Okay, Emily or Cinnamon? Check it out, I got us matching sweaters.

 You know, a man can care deeply about a woman and a pet. It’s not strange.

 You know what? I think it’s a little weird that you remember me saying all these things. Maybe the truth is, you’re jealous of all my relationships.

 Oh, maybe I am. Who wouldn’t want to be the girl, or possibly dog, to hear the words you’re so lucky, you have the shiniest hair.

 Yeah, clearly you haven’t seen him on the beach walking around with his metal detector.

 If I were going to Hawaii, I’d spend all my time at the Keck Observatory. Did you know that the telescopes there have better resolution than the Hubble?

 No, hold on. All canines instinctively know how to swim. Why wouldn’t a werewolf have the same abilities?

 He chased a squirrel around the quad for a while and then threw up in my car.

 Wow, if he cracks that it’s a game changer, guys. It’ll completely redefine our understanding of the physical universe.

 Hmm, it would. Okay, back to Emily or Cinnamon? How can such a little girl eat such a big steak?

 You know, he can be a lot of trouble, but when I see him lying here asleep like this, I just think how easy it would be to hold a pillow over his face.

 I turned on the heat in my car and some vomit came out, so my levels, right up there.

 No, no. People don’t talk about surface tension. If you imagine our three-space as the surface of an N-dimensional superfluid bubble… This is exciting. This is really exciting. I have to go find Sheldon.

 Okay, well, if you find him, use the kitchen island, that coffee table will not support both of you.

 Hey, your paper got mentioned on the Quantum Diaries physics blog.

 Uh, it’s basically a summary of the theory, but there’s a bunch of positive comments on the message board.

 And you should pick me for Miss California Quiznos 1999, because I want to (singing) tell you what I want, what I really really want, l tell you what I want, what I really really want, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna Really, really, really be Miss California Quiznos 1999.

 You know, there was a time when I was alone and had no friends. I’m starting to miss that.

 I’ve, uh, created some other user accounts so I can post positive comments about their paper.

 Yeah, well, all the other comments said really nice things. Focus on those.

 Yeah. Dr. Dmitri Plancovik of Moscow University said dis paper great, I love it more than wodka.

 If you were sitting in a chair for 40 years, you’d get bored, too. Anyway, got to go. I promised to help the neighbour kid with his maths homework. Ciao.

 Your idea weawy hewped me out. My wight-cone quantization paper’s onwine alweady. The wesponse has been amazing.

 That would be great. I’d love for things between me and Mom to get back to normal.

 Mmm, when really we’re just exiting an uncomfortable situation.

 Kripke, you know, of all the people, Barry Kripke. I’m so… Are you folding that like a crazy person to get me to do it for you?

 Boy, I just can’t seem to get these scissors back together. Can you do it?

 Darn it. There’s something in my eye, and I need to sort these coins by size. Can you help?

 Penny? I really want to eat this banana, but it’s stuck inside this bamboo puzzle box.

 Oh, hey. Did you see that? I, I figured out how to open the door all by myself. Maybe I’ll fling some faeces around my cage to celebrate.

 Wait, Sheldon gave me a banana in a box. He was testing me, too.

 Eh, what’s the matter with them is they think they’re so smart they don’t care if they hurt other people’s feelings.

 Yeah. Mrs. Wolowitz was pretty special. When I first moved to America, Howard was my only friend and she made me feel so welcome in her home. Which says a lot, because, those first few years, she thought I was the gardener.

 Whenever I saw her, she’d say I was too skinny and try and feed me.

 That doesn’t sound right. My research has shown that it takes three to five years of shameless begging.

 Yeah, I, I, I saw that article you’re talking about. Uh, the participants ask each other a series of questions designed to promote intimacy.

 What? I don’t need science to win her heart. I have my family’s wealth for that.

 I’ve been listening to Sheldon’s feelings on things for ten years. Tag, you’re it.

 I’m sorry. W, would 500 frequent-flyer miles help? That could get you to Sacramento.

 If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

 I’m sorry. That was me having fun with you. Look, you may not be as, as academically inclined as are we. Yes, that’s how you say it. But, you possess an intelligence I envy. Which leads me to my answer. I would choose the ability to read people’s minds.

 After a careful evaluation of our relationship, we decided that the time was right to take a step forward.

 Yeah. You get the paint, I’ll rest for 30 to 40 minutes, and then we do this.

 I can’t believe you almost had me bring a wild animal into my home.

 I was going to make you red zinger, but since Mars is the red planet, I went with peppermint.

 I don’t get it. There’s actually peanut brittle in… Please go to Mars.

 Yeah. We could give it to Sheldon, and tell him William Shatner painted it.

 Two one six four two zero one nine eight nine. And that, little lady, is pi to a thousand places.

 Yes. It reminds me of us eating out and her saying quick, nobody’s looking, fill your pockets with ketchup.

 Leonard? Have you ever noticed that only my name is on the cable bill?

 So, Stuart, have you thought about what you’d do if Howard sells the house?

 All right, hey, you two, we’re here for Howard right now, okay?

 We won’t know if there’s equality until female Thor has a baby and the Avengers are cool with her pumping breast milk at work.

 I wonder if only a baby who is worthy can suckle at the bosom of Thor.

 Of course you’d focus on that rather than the inspiration. Uh, new salon topic. What’s more important, an idea or its execution?

 No, it’s okay. We’re all adults trying to have an intelligent discussion. At least I am. Howard, what do you think?

 You know, when they chase you out of there, you only have to run faster than Sheldon.

 Would you like to play a physics car game I invented called I Can’t Spy? It’s all the nail-biting tension of I Spy but the added fun of subatomic particles and waves outside the visible spectrum.

 So they’re requesting that the white boy play the funky music, yes?

 All right, we’ve defeated the first challenge. Now we must steel ourselves to face the monster who defends the gate.

 We don’t have an appointment. We, we’re just fans of Mr. Lucas’s work, and we thought we’d take a shot and see if we could get in and look around.

 I’m sorry, don’t listen to him. We’re actually physicists. We’re giving a lecture at Berkeley later today. We just, we had some time to kill.

 Hey, listen, you seem like decent guys. I can’t let you in, but I got some hats and T-shirts I can give you.

 He’s right. Uh, Stormtroopers actually combine both the function of infantry and military police.

 All right, I talked to my supervisor, and we’re gonna let you go with a warning. But if you ever come back, we will call the police and press charges.

 No, I’m not. Settle this. Those little animated pictures on the Internet, are they called gifs or jifs?

 Well, the G stands for graphics. That’s a hard G, so I’d say gif.

 Oh, Sheldon, I’m sure it’s not because they don’t think you’re an elite scientist.

 What? A few thousand people listen to you talk about nerd stuff?

 Do you think there comes a point in life when it stops feeling bad to be left out of things?

 Okay, so the final four forts in the first annual best fort ever contest, or fort off, are, Fort Knox, Fort Ticonderoga, Fort Sumter and Fort Cozy McBlanket.

 Hey, would you like to hear some songs I’ve rewritten to get children interested in the hard sciences?

 You guys know the new Discovery class missions that NASA’s been working on?

 Well, they’re looking to include a message from Earth in case one of them is encountered by alien life.

 And I was wondering if any of you guys would like to help me do it.

 So, often on the front of the locomotive is a large iron wedge for clearing objects off the tracks. Now, while commonly known as a cowcatcher, I prefer the more accurate cow exploder.

 Look, I know you guys are upset, but we’ve talked about it, and we think it’d be beneficial for you to be part of the project.

 Look, we admit it. The idea that you guys came up with was really good, and I’d love your help.

 Building on that, I’d like to remind you, I’m lactose intolerant.

 Well, maybe there’s a way to appear non-aggressive, but also be able to protect ourselves if necessary. Like smiling and waving with one hand, but the other hand holding the severed head of a tiger.

 You want to send a passive-aggressive message out into the universe? That’s ridiculous.

 Look, I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, but you do have strong personalities and always end up taking over.

 Yeah. Like when you took Sheldon to Texas and showed him all around NASA, you didn’t even think to ask me and Leonard.

 Leonard, have you ever given a high school commencement speech before?

 I think it’s really nice that you’re sharing this experience with Penny.

 Mm, I thought it’d be fun to show her my old stomping grounds. I even know the exact spot where they used to stomp me.

 It worked fine, it just wasn’t designed for Russian cosmonauts and their potato-based diet.

 You guys don’t have to go to the trouble. I’m back in the money now, I can just buy another helicopter.

 There’s two kinds of people in this world, those who call tech support, and those who make fun of the people who call tech support.

 My point is, while you’re spending all this time on your own, building computers or practicing your cello, what you’re really doing is becoming interesting. And when people finally do notice you, they’re gonna find someone a lot cooler than they thought. And for those of you who were popular in high school, it’s over, sorry. Thank you and congratulations.

 No need to. As soon as she flies into California airspace, I’ll feel a disturbance in the Force.

 If you could run out and get a PhD, that might make her like you.

 We just spent two hours in traffic. Did you think to mention to me that you liked our paper?

 Of course I did, but it’s a mother’s job to make sure her child’s self-esteem is not dependent on anyone’s approval.

 No. It turns out that this little scallywag was trying to use my Visa card to buy uranium from an African warlord in the country of Chad.

 Oh, and here’s a picture of me receiving my bachelor of science degree.

 When I was pregnant with Shelly, I was driving to church, and I was praying to the Lord to give me a son smarter than his dumb-ass daddy. And I looked over and I saw a Jesus bobblehead in the Subaru next to me nodding yes. What is that supposed to mean?

 Well, do it some more. Maybe you can knock some sense into yourself.

 Face it, dude, Bernadette treats you the same way your mother used to, and that was not a healthy relationship.

 You’re right. It’s time for me to act like an adult in this marriage. Starting with my husbandly duty of taking out the trash. Bernie, I made a mess.

 Okay, Mom, let’s get you back to your hotel before anyone says anything else.

 It’s the hard-knock life for us, it’s the hard-knock life for us. ‘Stead of treated, we get tricked, ‘stead of kisses, we get kicked, it’s the hard-knock life. Got no folks to speak of so it’s the hard-knock row we hoe, cotton blankets ‘stead of wool, empty bellies ‘stead of full, it’s a hard-knock life.

 Well, now we know, next time we go to the farmers’ market, the order is petting zoo first, then buy vegetables.

 Okay. Well, then it’s settled. Small indoor church wedding, black-tie, no butterflies.

 Look, all she’s saying is we are in love so it doesn’t matter if we get married tomorrow or a year from now or 50 years from now.

 Whatever. Put us on the Internet. I’ve always wanted a wedding with a comment section.

 No. No, I want to. Look, we’ve put this off long enough. Let’s do it.

 I know what you’re going through. My, my, my last breakup was pretty tough.

 You know what, Sheldon, you’ve made this really easy. You’re immature, you’re selfish, you just insulted me to my face. I don’t need any more time to think. We’re broken up.

 No, of course not. Okay, look, instead of fighting, why don’t we dim the lights, um, get naked and make a baby? I was trying to lighten the mood. It’s not easy. You try it.

 Knock, knock, knock, Penny? Knock, knock, knock, Penny? Knock, knock, knock, Penny?

 Would you like to hear another reason why men are better than women?

 All right, look, I’m sorry I said I was okay with everything before we got married. I hate that we’re going through this, but I don’t know what to do.

 If you don’t mind waiting for a Groupon, we can try marriage counselling.

 No, I just want to know that when you’re at work, there’s nothing going on.

 How many times do I have to tell you? I have no interest in this woman.

 Actually, we’re not going to the movies. We are here to kidnap you.

 It’s bad enough I’m being taken against my will. I don’t see why it has to be in some hippie’s mobile sex dungeon.

 Uh-oh. According to this Mexican customs website, visitors may not bring more than five laser discs, 20 compact discs or 12 VHS tapes.

 Oh, not a problem. If anything goes down, we just put Koothrappali in the driver’s seat and slap a sombrero on his head.

 Well, not necessarily. You know, Dad’s not getting any younger, so if I wait long enough, I’ll just tell him he walked me down the aisle and it was magical.

 Of course. All we need is to find stuff to make a lever big enough to fix this.

 Exactly. I’ll bet there’s something around here that could be a lever.

 Buddy you’re a boy, make a big noise playin’ in the street, gonna be a big man someday. You got mud on your face, you big disgrace, kickin’ your can all over the place. I have an eidetic memory. Sometimes it’s a curse.

 Just a few more signatures, and we’ll be finished. Initial here to acknowledge that you’ve returned your key. Okay. As my future neighbour, I’d like you to have a key. Initial here to acknowledge you received it.

 I appreciate your interest in the apartment. I just need to ask you a few standard questions.

 You’re right. But what? Mexican? Italian? German? Indian? Greek? Cuban? Chinese? Pizza? Barbecue? Korean? Korean barbecue?

 Hey, I know Sheldon’s quirky, but he’s also brilliant and insightful. I think calling him a weirdo is a little unfair.

 Yeah, I can’t wait to see the look on her face when I die young.

 You make an excellent point. Ooh, I think I’m getting a runner’s high.

 Yeah, I think it’s great you guys want to get more exercise, but do you really think sports is the right choice for you?

 What are you saying? We’re not coordinated enough to play sports?

 Okay, Leonard, sweetheart, you twisted your ankle playing Scrabble.

 Well, you don’t know the backstory. Maybe she kept jumping up on the couch.

 Yeah, I’m here because I think it’s gonna be like Game of Thrones.

 The first move is called an advance. You move your fwont foot fowward, heel to toe. Back foot fowwows. So fwont foot fowward, heel to toe. Back foot fowwows. Now you twy. Advance. And advance. And advance.

 My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

 Again, that doctor didn’t insult your honour. Just checked your prostate.

 My name is Little Orphan Annie. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

 Twue, but if it’s successful, I’m having a pawty with bawwoons.

 Come on, Barry, there’s a Swedish team trying to run our experiment before us. Can’t you spare any?

 Be honest, if the shoe was on the other foot, would you do this for me?

 Why do you need Kripke? Can’t you just go to Party City for helium?

 If you need liquid helium so bad, I know a guy who can get you some, if you don’t ask too many questions.

 Hang on, I’m trying to find you the next great love of your life. The man who will father your children. Okay, yes or no on white guy with dreadlocks?

 My friend does make a decent point about the money. I don’t feel comfortable just handing it over up front.

 Huh. All these years I’ve been using stalemate, when I really mean impasse. I feel foolish.

 I don’t think it matters if this is a stalemate or an impasse or a Mexican standoff. What are we gonna do here?

 All right, let’s all just calm down. Nobody wants to report anybody.

 No, no, no. Wait, don’t go. Just let me explain. We’re physicists, and we’re trying to prove a hypothesis that we’ve been working on for over a year.

 Okay. It’s a shame about those scientists ripping you off. I expected a higher ethical standard from our friends in Sweden.

 It’s actually pretty common in our field. There’s not much you can do about it.

 Yeah, I hear you. Well, you’re good guys, so I’ll, uh, I’ll take the helium off your hands.

 Look, I enjoy semantic digressions as much as the next guy, but, uh, this is business.

 You know what? It’s fine. Keep the money. We just want to be done with this.

 Hey, I’ve been thinking. I was being petty. You can have my hewium.

 Oh, no. At home. The servants would sing to me, laugh at my jokes. I wish I knew their names.

 I guess we didn’t use it very often. Unless we had company. Which didn’t happen much after my dad left and not at all after my mom…

 Aw. When he says things like that, I just want to hug him and make everything better.

 Not only is it signed to me but this is where he wiped his mouth. So we are currently in the presence of Leonard Nimoy’s DNA.

 I said I’m fine! (Long pause) We’ve gotten a little off-topic. Allow me to make things entertaining again in this little Spockumentary. That was Leonard’s joke. As a child, when faced with a dilemma, my mother encouraged me to ask what would Jesus do? The answer to that was always love thy neighbour. But my neighbour had a dead tooth, so that wasn’t going to happen. But that’s why I changed it to, what would Spock do?

 All right, fine. Well, Sheldon, I’m no expert, but aren’t you completely missing the point of Spock? I mean, he liked to act like he had no emotions, but he was still half human.

 I know. I also can’t believe he watched what we did on that couch and still sits on it.

 Dr. Dana feels he isn’t that dangerous. What makes you right and a trained psychiatrist wrong?

 Well, he’s having a rough time. Amy broke his heart, the DVR cut off the last minute of Doctor Who. That crow followed him home.

 Ah, well, what’s this? A pot of oatmeal? Or, thanks to you, what I will now call gloatmeal.

 You’re not wrong about Fruit Stripe. I was always a Hubba Bubba man.

 Yeah, no, but it is basic human nature. If we present him as a prize, maybe they would.

 Are we gonna be much longer? I really have to go to the bathroom.

 I don’t think it matters. Look, Sheldon, I believe when the time is right for you to meet someone, it’ll just happen. Okay? Not because of a test or a Web site, but because… (knock on door) we are the dreamers of dreams.

 Oh. Cool. (In thick Indian accent) Hey, Siri, show me pictures of naked grandma butts.

 and then the next day was 73 degrees, and the day after that was 72, and then it was 72 again, uh, then it was 74, and that brings us to today, at I’d wear shorts if I had a pair. 78.

 Well, you didn’t read it right. The new Star Wars is coming. Gah.

 A partially eaten piece of pumpkin pie from a homeless shelter? With Elon Musk, you bet I do.

 You know, for a Thanksgiving buffet in an aquarium cafeteria, that was really bad.

 Huh? Some of this? And, since it’s Thanksgiving, an extra helping of this?

 Which is crazy, since rock and roll is all about good customer service.

 Why can’t I recall this song? This is taking far too long. The urge to bang my head against the wall again and again and again and again and again is strong.

 Dear Crazy Future Sheldon, this is a thermostat. It controls the temperature of the apartment. The ideal setting is 72 degrees. If you find this too cold, then put on a jacket. A straitjacket, ’cause 72’s the best and you’re crazy. Now, this is your spot. You’re very protective of it. When anyone else tries to sit here, you berate them relentlessly. It sounds mean, but somehow you make it adorable. People are also delighted by your love of pranks. For example, Leonard has no idea what I did to his coffee. It wasn’t replace it with Folger’s crystals, I’ll tell you that much.

 Yeah. Well, let’s change the subject. No more mentions of you-know-who. That’s a cool train. Where did you get that?

 Come on, Sheldon. There are plenty of smart people who don’t have mental problems.

 Sorry. Sorry. No one’s ever liked the tie clip before, so I just lost all control.

 No, it, it’s okay, and we are on a date. I’m, I’m just a little nervous.

 Well, no need to be nervous with me. I’m just a harmless giant from a foreign land.

 If they fail in their mission and can’t see it on opening night Sheldon has sworn that they will never hear the end of it for the rest of their lives…

 You guys just got back together. You might not want to ditch her on her birthday.

 I know. It’s still gonna be weird to see the movie without him.

 Well, we’re really happy for you, and we know how much he cares…

 (Knock, knock, knock) Birthday girl. (Knock, knock, knock) Birthday girl. (Knock, knock, knock) Birthday girl.

 Yeah, but he also swore this was the year he’d be able to pull the guts out of a pumpkin.

 Well, I’m gonna stay positive. I mean, we talked, I told him what women like, and after he stopped giggling, he seemed pretty sure of himself.

 I’m not gonna make a fake appointment with a psychiatrist. What would I say is wrong with me?

 I don’t know. You could talk to her, and maybe if it comes up, you could ask if she’s heard about the drug.

 Well, we are, because Dr. Gallo made me realize that I’m a worthwhile person and that my feelings matter.

 You know what’d be nice? Name it after your girlfriends. Show them how much you care.

 Here is a man raised by an overbearing woman who completely dominated every aspect of his formative years. Do you think he’s perpetuating that relationship by seeking out a partner like you?

 You know, I used to wear tank tops a lot. That was a big selling point.

 Oh, I’m glad. You know, you might also benefit from a prescription for anxiety.

 Okay, if you think it’ll help. Oh, just don’t make it Placinex. I do not need sudden fits of homicidal rage.

 We could do a double feature with the Leonardo Di Caprio Romeo and Juliet.

 Oh, that could be fun. But just to be clear, you mean a party bus with booze and music, right, not, like, juice boxes and video games?

 Yes. And Howard’s birthday was a drop-off party, you didn’t have to stay.

 Leonard, get ready for an apology. And with the added twist of an M. Night Shyamalan movie, I’m going to mean it.

 All you did was offer maternal care and affection, and all you received in return was rude and insensitive behavior.

 You brought me my comic books when I wasn’t feeling well. That, that was thoughtful. And I was insensitive. I’m sorry.

 Raj, you were being a good friend, and my illness was no excuse for my behaviour. I hope that you can accept my apology.

 It’s called standing up for myself. You should try it some time.

 Fine, how about this? You’re making me uncomfortable by prolonging this ridiculous fight, and I wish you’d stop.

 Yeah, I calmed her down, but she’s not going to Vegas if he’s going.

 Ah, yeah, Grandma by Calvin Klein. You know, the last time I got a hand written letter it was from someone who told me I parked like a blind person.

 Fun. Like your Comic-Con Spock ears and your around the house Spock ears.

 That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her.

 Hi. So nice to finally meet you. Let me take this for you, Meemaw.

 It was a classic western set in the post-Jurassic period, and it changed my life.

 Wonderful. And the pilot did such a good job, I gave him a butterscotch.

 It’s interesting that Leonard and Penny know about his nickname and you don’t.

 There were days I wanted to fill his pockets with corn and toss him in the pigpen.

 Well, if you understand, then why are you giving me such a hard time?

 Because when you broke up with Sheldon, it hurt him deeply, and I don’t want to see that happen again.

 So if he wanted to give me that engagement ring, we would have your blessing?

 Penny and I have dinner reservations that night, but any other time, no.

 Well, you say it like it’s easy. Have any one of you ever broken up with anyone?

 Yes. Whenever things are going well, I always find a way to ruin it. You two look happy, how do you do it?

 Oh. Uh, we-we have another caller. Hi. You’re on Fun with Flags.

 But, Amy, when you and Sheldon split up, didn’t you start dating someone right away?

 Wike when I feww in wove with that stwipper and bought her a Pwius.

 How’s it gonna be okay? Look at me, I’m a mess. And that means this baby’s gonna be half a mess. And that’s even before we screw it up with our cut-rate moderately attractive nanny.

 It’ll be fine. People have kids every day. You’ll figure this out.

 I’d like to propose a toast to our friend, Howard, his, um, his big heart, his beautiful soul…

 And his tight little pants that somehow did not make him sterile.

 If I’m gonna have any chance of raising this kid, I need to come up with a big idea to make some money.

 That’s easy for you to say. You and Sheldon already came up with your superfluid helium model.

 Okay, how about this for an invention, slightly bigger cocktail umbrellas.

 I don’t know, all Apple does is change the size of things and we keep buying them.

 Groundbreaking revelations, tropical drinks. Tell me this isn’t like the best episode of Sex and the City.

 If this is a viable thing, we could get a patent and license it to companies that make guidance systems.

 Look at that. You’ve known you’re gonna be a father for less than a day and you’re already stepping up.

 Babies? Well, I’m not in a rush but someday, yeah, sure. What about you?

 So Sheldon, there’s something I’ve been wanting to talk about but I know it’s kind of a touchy subject.

 Well, you made my last birthday so memorable, I wanted to return the favour.

 You know, if you had a party now, you have plenty of friends that would love to come.

 Oh, yeah. Won’t take the bus. He won’t pack his own lunch. Won’t let you spend the night on his couch.

 You know, to be fair, we did get married in Vegas and didn’t invite her.

 Wow, congratulations. You know, actually, I thought you’d be living with Sheldon forever.

 Okay, everybody, Sheldon is gonna come back out, but I think he’s a little embarrassed, so let’s all be extra nice, okay?

 Happy birthday, young man. And if any of you have enjoyed seeing me here today, I’m also available for Comic-Cons, bachelor parties, bar mitzvahs…

 We’ve got someone who couldn’t be here but really wanted to wish you a happy birthday.

 Uh, Professor Hawking, if you just give us one second, we’ll light the candles, and we can all sing together.

 Well, the legal team needs to review existing patents to avoid overlap.

 If we do, I am splurging on the best sinus irrigator money can buy.

 That old sad story, guy gets a little money, goes straight up his nose.

 Just need you to review and sign this document acknowledging that you understand the university will own 75% of the patent.

 And as far as Mr. Wolowitz is concerned, I’m afraid as a federal employee on loan from NASA, your name can be on the patent, but you’re not entitled to an ownership share.

 Wait, so this can turn out to be a financial success, and I get nothing?

 Well, our choices are we do this with the university or we don’t do it at all.

 I guess that is a way around this. You guys would be cool doing it like that?

 Well, we ran into a problem about my share of the patent, so we’re forming a partnership to split anything we make equally.

 If you want to sign a contract that Sheldon whipped up, go ahead.

 If you guys would shut up, I could tell you. Oh. Be cool, be cool, be cool.

 You know what, hang on. What if Sheldon had no choice but to be respectful?

 What? Is there a switch on the back of his neck we don’t know about?

 No. What I’m saying is you could add a clause to the contract that he can’t make fun of Howard.

 Article three, as it pertains to this project, Dr. Sheldon Cooper promises to abstain from all insulting or disrespectful language directed toward Howard Wolowitz, including but not limited to mockery of engineering, his height, his hair, his wardrobe, and his insane belief that the Ghost Rider movie was, quote, not that bad.

 25% of profits due to Sheldon Cooper will be allocated to a scholarship fund for the firstborn child of Howard and Bernadette Wolowitz. Sheldon, that’s so nice.

 Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if after all your years of hard work, I’m the one who makes a scientific breakthrough? He doesn’t think that’s funny.

 I suppose I should set this up. Or would you like to rob me of that, too?

 Interesting. I mean, it’s not testicles on a cryostat, but I like it.

 I love it, I’ll be all like, busted, and they’ll be like, what? And then we’ll all be like, oh yeah. Yeah, I get it. I wouldn’t make out with me, either.

 In here is every clock radio I’ve ever owned. Calculators, VHS tapes. Yeah. Oh. Sporting equipment.

 It’s nice to get back to nature. Why don’t I do this more often? What a beautiful forest. Hello, little butterfly. What’s your Na-oh!

 All right, it’s called Never Have I Ever. The rules are simple. Someone says something they’ve never done, but if you have done it, you take a drink.

 Okay. Calm down. I’ll go first. All right, let’s see. Never have I ever…

 She’s trying to think of something she’s never done before. This could take a while.

 Very funny. Okay, never have I ever… yeah, you know what? Let’s just circle back.

 Oh, no, it’s like a horror movie. We’re trapped in a cabin with a maniac.

 Well, never have I ever used Sheldon’s toothbrush to clean the sink.

 Fine, is that how you want to play this? All right, never have I ever come up with a nickname for my own genitals.

 I don’t, I know, but this isn’t a big deal. It’s just a little savings I put aside.

 I have a question about Batman. Batman is a man who dresses up like a bat. Man-bat is a part man, part bat hybrid. Now, if Man-Bat dressed up as a man to fight crime, would he be Man-Batman?

 But wouldn’t Man-Batman just be a Batman that was bitten by a radioactive man?

 No, if a man dresses as a bat, that’s Batman, but if Man-Man dresses as a bat, that’s Batman-Man.

 Because I am tired of him always getting his way. We don’t need a stupid meeting. We don’t even need a roommate agreement, and I hope that sandwich does cause a party.

 Oh, that sounds great, a bed to yourself. Can’t even remember what that’s like.

 You know you’re gonna make up with him. Can we just skip to that part?

 All right, you would think the only adult wouldn’t let something silly ruin our entire night.

 Okay, that I said. But that’s a real problem. You give a girl another woman’s bra, and you will not be having sex with her that night. Maybe the other girl, but not her.

 Okay, I think I see what’s happening here. You’re jealous of me.

 Oh, please. What could you possibly have that I would be jealous of?

 Well, Howard eating that pistachio was like when King Joffrey got poisoned.

 Okay. Oh, how about this? Stuart’s dressed like a brother of the Night’s Watch, and they don’t have sex.

 I’m fine. Just a little embarrassed I had to be carried down the stairs like a baby. Thanks.

 That’s it, you just lost bathroom privileges at the comic book store. Horse has a basket on it. Stupid… aaargh!

 I would love to. I do enjoy the complexity of an aged Pinot noir.

 I’m sure that would pair nicely with your fried nuggets of chicken.

 The difference is she’s bringing life into the world, and you suck it out.

 Okay, help me out. How are you doing this? Do they know about each other?

 Hey, while you decide, who was better in bed, big hot Zack or wheezy little Leonard? Neener neener.

 H-O gauge trains are 1/87th scale. N gauge are 1/160th scale. And that brings us to Z gauge, at a, you could easily swallow it, don’t ask how I know, 1 to 220.

 And last but not least, this is one that I like to call Star Wars Toast because it has a light side and a dark side. All righty, it’s time for Dungeons & Dragons.

 The Hell Prawn lunges out of the hot spring. You block it with your shield. Do you attack?

 Oh, that’s a Venn Diagram, and I remember because I thought to myself, venn is he gonna stop talking about this diagram?

 Yeah, you know what, she is my mother-in-law, and I’d like for us to have a good relationship.

 Uh, it’s tonight, but it’s first-come, first-served, so we should probably get there early and wait in line.

 In fact, that’s usually the trick to it. What time do we need to get there?

 Yeah, sleeping under the stars with other fans who love the show as much as we do.

 Boy, all this standing’s making me tired. Good thing I brought my collapsible stick chair.

 Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chairs on sticks are comfy.

 Well, let’s get back to Penny. Hey, weren’t you telling me something great about your company car?

 Uh, if you ever need a reference or anything, just let me know.

 Yeah, of course. What else could it be? Boy, do I love America.

 I’m telling you, I’m not on drugs. The government’s out to get me.

 I wanted to thank you for going through all the trouble of planning a second wedding ceremony for me, but unfortunately I cannot attend.

 Not helping, buddy. Mother, Penny and I really want you to be part of this. Please stay.

 Yeah, plus if you leave, Alfred will know he got under your skin.

 I’m glad you decided to stay. It’s gonna be special for Penny and me to share this with you.

 Look, I promise you, neither I, nor anyone, has ever said that.

 Oh, I’m sorry. It’s just we’re meeting Leonard’s parents for the first time, and, and they’re academics and, and intellectuals, and I don’t want them thinking we’re white trash.

 Well, nothing happened, right? It’s over. Until we get married a third time, you guys will never have to see each other again.

 Well, you know, actually that’s not the case. Mary may visit me in New York.

 Oh, not at all. Mary happens to be a wonderful woman. And if it antagonizes you, that’s just a bonus.

 Yes, I am. I’m just feeling a little guilty about all the trouble I’ve caused.

 I’d like to say something. Beverly, I know that we don’t bring out the best in each other. 

 The Air Force contacted me about our quantum gyroscope. They want to have a meeting.

 I was counting on that money. I need to make as much as my wife so I don’t have to try so hard in bed.

 Why? Because I’m Jewish? That’s like me saying, hey, you’re Indian, doesn’t your cousin work in a call centre?

 That’s super helpful, Amy. Thanks a lot. I can’t wait to do that.

 Hey, no problem. Thanks for going to outer space so no matter what I do my mom will be disappointed in me.

 Well, I married a little Catholic girl, so we’re even. Anyway, this is Leonard and Sheldon. The three of us came up with the guidance system.

 Oh, I’m not on the patent. I’m just here because there’s a bumblebee in my office.

 Anyway, like I said in the e-mail, this meeting’s on Thursday. Do you have any advice for us?

 Oh, you know, I also lied about the girl in the bathroom. Yeah, we actually dumped her retainer in the toilet and put it back in her mouth.

 Well, I ran it by some colleagues at MIT, and they thought they could get it done in four months.

 It’s pretty late. You think I’ve got time to run some more simulations on the cooling system?

 Well, we didn’t see you last night, we’re not gonna see you today, so we thought we could have breakfast together.

 Well, to be honest, it’s not like a party party, it’s more like a gathering where scientists of different disciplines get together to share their work and keep current on what’s going on in other fields. I don’t know why I called it a party, sorry.

 You didn’t think I was gonna be in your kitchen this morning, yet here I am.

 Why is it taking him so long to get a drink out of a vending machine?

 Well, this probably won’t work, but has anyone ever tried to just haul off and whup the crazy out of him?

 Happy and well-fed. You see, that’s what I’m taking from that story.

 What, you think you’re the first government contractor who isn’t gonna deliver on time? We’re still waiting for a big space laser Reagan ordered to beat the commies.

 Cohabitation with my girlfriend? That’s a great deal to process.

 But you didn’t listen, and presto change-o, my baby’s inside you. Ta-da.

 I don’t know if I can make it through five weeks living with him.

 If you ever need a break, the owner of the train store will let you leave him there while you get a coffee.

 And I think the most helpful thing we can tell you is no backsies.

 Sheldon, I understand that you like things a certain way and I’m willing to make some concessions, but you have to be open to compromise.

 Well, he wants us to spend more time together before the baby comes.

 Okay. Well, for starters, there’s nothing wrong with keeping our toothbrushes in the same holder.

 You know, people are quick to accuse me of being difficult to live with, but the truth is, Amy is just as challenging.

 They heard me in the bushes once, but they thought I was a raccoon.

 It’s a nice enough spot. You know, if I’m going to start standing up for myself, this is exactly the kind of thing…

 Yeah. Wow, An appearance by George Lucas… ‘s dermatologist. Oh, I want that autograph.

 I once left orange juice in my fridge so long, it tasted like a mimosa.

 I came home from work one day and she had taken everything. I’m warning you, hide your good rocks.

 No, I consider you and Sheldon like my family, and I’m not even sure you think of me as a friend. You have any idea how that feels?

 Well, they finished the work early, but she’s been telling Sheldon they’re behind schedule.

 Thank you for your services, gentlemen. Now, I’m hoping to broaden our audience with your youthful rock and roll music.

 I’m serious, JPL’s actually developing a robot arm that could grab an asteroid before it hits us.

 So their plan for saving the Earth from Armageddon is hoping a bunch of scientists can catch a ball?

 Sheldon, this is not a big deal. It’s a little white lie, everyone does it.

 Not me, I’m a hundred percent honest in all of my relationships.

 See, I’ve known that for weeks, but, you know, I waited till the moment when it would cause him the most pain.

 This is ridiculous. Penny, do you remember when I taught you Ubbi Dubbi?

 Fine, I told Sheldon that her apartment’s been finished, but then you just said it’s not, so now I’m all confused.

 You know, if he moves across the hall for good, Leonard could keep the stuff you don’t like in Sheldon’s old room. Solves everything.

 You guys might want to start eating. But you won’t be living here.

 Still, I can’t believe you can turn ordinary skin cells into functioning brain cells.

 Okay. I’ll leave. But just know, every time I come in here, I’ll be thinking of you.

 Would you look at that? The image we gave it was 45% white noise, and it still managed to reconstruct it.

 Hey, you’re talking about the person I love and have been avoiding for the past three hours. Oh, man. 

 Bert is studying the way microbes in rocks can survive in extreme environmental conditions.

 They say it could be a potential indicator of life on other planets.

 Oh, I laughed so hard, I burst a blood vessel in my nose. It’s fine.

 You know, it’s one thing to be envious, but now you’re injuring yourself. It has to stop.

 Although if you are gonna do it again, please let me know, so I can get it on video.

 Anybody else want to try? I’m gonna go make some more tea and question my life choices.

 It used to. But now that I’m rich and successful, I think I can do better.

 Hey, Sheldon, I’ve got someone here who might make you feel better.

 Don’t worry, I know how you feel. I have never won a Nobel Prize.

 I remind myself every scientific advancement is a victory. Also, I was on Star Trek.

 Oh, it was a good one. He played poker with Sir Isaac, you don’t care.

 Don’t waste your time on jealousy Sheldon, you’re too brilliant.

 Well, my go-to move is usually sleep with the person’s boyfriend, but I kind of feel like I’m already doing that.

 You mean the one with the empty beer bottles in the sandbox? We’ll pass, thank you.

 Oh, I rented a room from your neighbour, the tall guy dressed like a little boy.

 Oh, thanks to the coins I found in your couch, a day longer than I thought.

 Excuse me. It’s none of my business, but it sounds like a lot of this anger is coming from love.

 Well, I’m just gonna keep on talking. Seems like, with Sheldon moving out, you’re in a new phase of your lives and it’s easier to fight than to face the feelings that you have for one another.

 You hate Scotch tape, but you love Scotch plaid. You are a mystery.

 I’m sorry, that’s ambiguous. Is it five minutes apart starting at the top of the hour, or five minutes apart starting with the first contraction, so essentially, like, 65 minutes?

 I’m just throwing this out there, but home births are very popular these days.

 Okay, well, we’ll talk to you guys later. Bye. She said not to come. It’s gonna be a while.

 Well while we’re all awake, why don’t we go to a diner or something?

 This is not how I imagined this day going, I should be with them right now.

 And, and the worst part is that they kicked me out and let Stuart stay.

 It’s not just Howard and Bernadette. I mean, look how far we’ve all come.

 Raj, if it’s any consolation, I’m no better off than I was ten years ago.

 No. If one more person puts their fingers near my uterus, I’m gonna cross my legs and snap ’em off.

 You hear that, Stuart? I’ve got a dog and a godchild, you have nothing.

 Guys, she’s my goddaughter, I think I’ll know when I see her. That one.

 Well, he doesn’t live at Walmart, but he still threw a tantrum when he saw Marshmallow Peeps after Easter. And that’s the same man who complains you can’t find Marshmallow Peeps after Easter.

 Oh. It’s Bernadette. She says they’re running late. The baby threw up on Howard, and then Howard threw up on Howard.

 I rented one of those carts, pushed him toward the open door and just let inertia take care of the rest.

 Oh, it’s my pleasure. Mm. I’m so glad y’all could make it. So, tell me, what’s going on back home?

 You startin’ to see why I didn’t go in there? Sheldon, if you’re trying to prove me wrong, the tighty-whities on your head ain’t changing my mind.

 Stop. Okay. They told Mary they were living together, there was a fight, he got his feelings hurt, then he put underwear on his head.

 Well, we had started binge-watching Luke Cage together, and it was kind of our thing, and then I find out that she watched two episodes without me. 

 How can she hate me? I make her food in my chest. It’s like hating a frozen yogurt machine.

 Leonard, i’ve been meaning to ask you, what size shoe do you wear? 

 If you do that, i’ll win in eight moves. I’ll win in five moves. I’ll win in one move.

 Fine. Lately I kind of feel like you’ve been taking me for granted.

 No, no, no, no, let’s talk about it. I’m the one who’s made all the effort in this relationship since day one. Please tell me what more I could do?

 Okay, you know what? Maybe I’ll take Amy with me to the spa this weekend instead.

 I will bring them home so you can show me how Godzilla takes a shower. 

 Okay. Leonard, I really appreciate that, but I need a little time to myself.

 All right. Can you please just go and we’ll talk about this tomorrow?

 Yeah. And there are a few things we need to stay on top of. So we thought it would useful, and I can’t believe I’m about to say this, um.

 Would you please help us make a relationship agreement? But one that’s tailored to us, okay, we don’t need a bathroom schedule. 

 Although a rule about him texting me from in there might help with the romance. 

 Article 10, subsection C, if questioned Penny may not say that everything is fine if it isn’t. Other unacceptable responses include, it’s nothing, don’t worry about it, and, I said it’s nothing don’t worry about it. 

 She said she didn’t want to see me any more and I found that insulting.

 Careful, I saw this on Star Trek. Smoke’s gonna come out of his ears soon. Hey.

 That a bunch of awkward scientists with no social skills would invent a machine to do it for them?

 You if it’s at MIT, I can make some calls. Maybe we can get Sheldon a prototype.

 Now that Sheldon’s across the hall, have you decided what you’re doing with his old room?

 Well, you don’t need a machine for that, just send a survey card to all your ex-girlfriends and tell them if they fill it out they might win a prize.

 That’s actually not a bad idea. Maybe I could even get them all together, sort of like a, a focus group, to find out what’s wrong with me.

 Remember that when the new TV falls off the wall and crushes us both.

 All right. Now, I’m gonna look at some pictures to prompt an emotional response, and we’ll see if the machine can identify them accurately.

 Okay, remember, it can only detect happy, sad, angry and excited. Not other things you’re feeling, like, what have I done with my life?

 Fine. You invited your drug dealer brother to stay with us for God knows how long and didn’t bother to ask me first.

 I’m not saying you have to ask my permission, but you could have talked to me about it before you said it was okay.

 Not a chance. So, you were telling us how Raj was terrible in bed.

 Well, like you gals, I had to suffer through him to find Bernadette.

 Look, we got really angry at each other, and you just got caught in the middle of it.

 He won’t be mad at me. I mean, you’re the one who doesn’t want my brother to come, so…

 Yeah, right. Wait, is it rose gold? Actually, don’t tell me, I want to be surprised.

 You know, I just read a study that suggests new mothers are better at sensing emotions for up to two years.

 It’s true. Pregnancy causes physiological changes in the brain that result in increased empathy.

 Well, my wife is four-foot-ten and sexually satisfied, so clearly I know my way around tiny things.

 Good for you, on the cutting edge of new technology and still making inappropriate comments about the mother of your child.

 That’s great, but the Air Force approved the specs. We’re good to go.

 You know, I do have a way to get him out of our hair. I’ve been holding onto this for a few years, but maybe now’s the time.

 Oh, boo-hoo. I spent four grand on a gift that only got rid of him for an afternoon. What is that?

 He’s worried about looking foolish. That’s a heapin’ helping of irony right there.

 That’s right. We figured it out all by ourselves. Wasn’t even that hard.

 Come on, Sheldon. You can’t turn your back on physics, and besides, you have no idea what you’re doing with this stuff.

 But if you really want to learn the mechanical side, I can teach you anything you want to know.

 And instead of standing around watching, you can help us build your smaller guidance system.

 This is an Euler’s Disk. It’s a physics toy that demonstrates angular momentum, potential energy, and kinetic energy.

 But Raj is from India, which means he’s no slouch at holding his breath.

 Okay, I want in. Ten bucks says I’ll lose interest before that thing stops spinning.

 Yeah, see, what’s happening here signals brain damage. My God, how long does this thing spin for?

 I doubt it. I met her on G-Harmony. That’s a Web site for geologists to find love.

 Oh, no. Are you sure you don’t want to give her a few more minutes?

 Nah, G-Harmony recommends after two hours, it’s time to cut bait.

 Well, I really envy your relationship. Other than you two only having sex once a year, you’re the perfect couple.

 Yeah, I’m making a bunch of changes. This morning, I fired my dog walker.

 Oh, let me guess. You guys are drafting your fantasy accounting firms.

 Maybe you should find someone to help you get your finances under control.

 Look at you, going to Comic-Con, talking about Ewoks. I really have become the cool one around here.

 Go ahead, make jokes. I don’t know why you think you’re going to Comic-Con, you just had a baby.

 Well, so? So you think Bernadette’s just gonna let you jet down to San Diego for five days and leave her alone?

 Well, it’s no different than when Sheldon used to climb in bed with us during a thunderstorm.

 Don’t worry, we won’t be doing much sleeping anyway. It’s like an all-night party. There’s trivia contests and Dungeons & Dragons. As we like to say, it’s off the chain mail.

 If he could find a girl with a job, all his problems would be over.

 O-o-o-okay, hold on, so if you don’t want to go and I don’t need to bring you, is everything good?

 Hold on, I’m trying to decide if I’m mad at you. No, I’m happy I don’t have to go.

 Dinner’s almost ready. If you like meatloaf, I’m sure you’ll like its cousin, bowl of meat.

 Hey, if you’re still looking to make money, I will pay you to burn that jacket.

 As much as I appreciate this, I can’t accept it, okay? Halley’s my goddaughter, I don’t take care of her for money.

 It doesn’t matter. I’m not keeping this. I’m trying to pay my own way and be responsible. Taking handouts won’t help that.

 You know what, I’m not gonna go either. I’m a father now. I’d rather spend time with my family.

 Well, it’s like that science thing. For every action, you have a gigantic and annoying reaction.

 Hey, look at that. You’ve got a Raj, we’ve got a Stuart. Maybe we should take them both to the park and let them run around together.

 He also never had sex in that room. That’s something else to look forward to.

 This isn’t about me and Sheldon. This is about Rajesh moving in with Leonard and Penny.

 Thank you, but how do I know you’re not saying that just to be nice?

 Come on, I’ll get you some sheets. Then I’ll see if I can beat my high score on the blood pressure machine.

 Things have been going really well with the infinite resistance gyroscope.

 You know, when I was six, I wanted to marry the gorilla from Good Night, Gorilla. Maybe I was onto something.

 The bigger question is, what are you gonna eat with that spoon? You didn’t get any food.

 Or we could do something we’ll all enjoy, like play a board game.

 Thank you, you are a good citizen. Told you. Go ahead, throw my underwear out the window. Same thing’s gonna happen.

 I know, but he was my friend first. It’s like she’s stealing him and they’re just having the best time doing all their dumb girly stuff together.

 Guys, before this gets ugly, remember, the winner gets Sheldon.

 Genius. I was gonna say, why does anyone think Sheldon’s a genius? But I didn’t.

 Don’t you think it’d be healthier if you had your own apartment, grown man?

 Why don’t you think she’s fine? She sounds fine, she looks fine. If I saw her on the street I’d say, damn, that girl’s fine.

 I don’t know where your pants are, but we did find your underwear in a pot on the stove.

 My pants are missing, I don’t remember anything. Penny, this is your youth. What do I do?

 Well, people who are abducted by aliens lose time. I mean, maybe it happens to the aliens, too.

 Oh, that, that’s so cool. How do you, how do you turn that thing off?

 And the best part is Halley won’t remember a thing. Babies are cute, but they’re dumb. I mean, I go like this, she thinks I’m gone, then magically I’m back. I mean honestly, why are we saving for college?

 And don’t get discouraged if the phone lines are jammed. Just keep trying. (Long pause) Oh, thank God, welcome to Fun with Flags.

 So is this your first time dating a scientist? ‘Cause I’m thinking of starting a support group.

 Right. I wasn’t getting any responses, and then I added recent $625,000 MacArthur grant winner, and five minutes later I met my soul mate.

 She’s so perfect, sometimes I think she isn’t real. And then she goes to the bathroom, and I know she is.

 I’m sorry, Bert, but aren’t you worried she’s only with you for your money?

 Actually, it got me thinking that I shouldn’t flaunt my money to find love. I might break up with Rebecca.

 I tried. She’s not answering my calls. Which really hurts because I bought her that phone. I made a huge mistake.

 No, you didn’t. Okay? Look, Bert, when I had money, I dated lots of girls who weren’t right for me. And then I gave up my money, and now I’m alone and living with my friends, and somebody else should probably talk now.

 You guys are nice, but I’m just gonna buy Rebecca a Jet Ski and see if that gets her back.

 It’s totally different. Bert’s money might run out, but I can beg until the end of time.

 Let me just say good-bye. Halley. Look at Mommy. Over here, honey. Say good-bye to Mommy. Look at me. Look at your mother. All right, we can go.

 Doing it right now. Oh, they can’t. There’s an important Little League game tomorrow.

 Cool, I’ll check with Sara. Sara, pull up my calendar. It never works for me.

 You know who’s a super-ager? Jennifer Lopez. Like, what is her secret?

 I drive you to work every day, my brain must look like the Hulk.

 Yeah, right? It’s funny. I got a lot of menu jokes, but that’s my favourite.

 So you wanted to learn something physical and you came to Howard Wolowitz?

 Hey, the circus arts are very physically and mentally demanding. Have you ever tried to juggle?

 Yes, I’m juggling my love for you and my embarrassment of you right now.

 Of course I don’t want you to be unhappy, but I also want you to be smart, and working for an ex-boyfriend isn’t very smart. You don’t have to stop, just slow down, I’ll jump out.

 Oh, no, she’s gonna leave you for someone, might as well get it over with.

 Yeah, see, now I feel terrible, like I’m being selfish and holding you back. What? Say something. Yeah, that is pretty annoying.

 You know, it’s nice of you to acknowledge us, but this is your accomplishment.

 Hmm. I don’t care if this thing is burning out my retinas, it makes me feel special. Now, before we field test, I think we…

 Sir, I, I, I’m sorry but I just don’t get it. You came into our lab in the middle of the night and took our prototype and all of our research and didn’t even tell us?

 I guess. And he’ll have you and Leonard right across the hall the whole time.

 Come on, Sheldon. Amy’s only gone for a few months. And now that I’m moving out, your old room is empty, so you can stay there whenever you want.

 Wait, isn’t she the grad student that used to follow him around?

 And get this, I saw an articulating ladder with dual-leg leveling, which delivers stability and adaptability to uneven terrain.

 We’re being ridiculous. There’s no way a woman that attractive is trying to seduce Sheldon Cooper.